01x12 - Trial by Fury

[bunniefuu]

[WOMAN SQUEALS]

Yep, this is where I live.

Ai-ya-ya-ya-yai!

- Hey.
- Sabrina, you're home.

Just in time for our
Cinco de Mayo celebration.

Cinco de Mayo?
It was just el New Year's.

We know, but while the rest
of New England

is complaining about the weather,

we are turning up the heat with a little
south-of-the-border fiesta.

- Crispy flauta?
- No.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

- You guys are weird.
- Well, excuse us for having fun.

- We were going to ask you to join us.
- But if you're too uptight.

Don't say that.

There's nothing worse than
when your parents call you uptight.

Come on, loosen up.

You know you want
to wear a sombrero.

Now, try an olé.

Olé.

Hey, that was sort of fun.
All right, I'm in.

- Where's the salsa?
- Over here, but it's kind of spicy.

I think I can handle it, cat.

[SCREAMS]

Hot, hot, hot.

Feels warmer in here already.

We'll be back in...minutes.

So R equals seven plus over two,
or nine--

[SNEEZES]

And R equals seven
minus over two, or minus two.

That's it. I've reached
my chalk limit for the day.

- What is it, Sabrina?
- I have a question.

I know that. That's why I said,
"What is it, Sabrina?"

Well, in that problem, the roots
turn out to be round numbers,

but what if the roots
turn out to be irrational?

Irrational? You mean,
like teenage girls?

Just express those roots
in radical form.

You mean as a fraction?

- Didn't you read the textbook?
- Yeah, but it's kind of confusing.

Well, let's find out who's confused

and who isn't by having
a little test tomorrow.

[STUDENTS GROANING]

And you can all thank Sabrina for it.

I was just trying to learn.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
WOMAN: Is Salem there?

- Speaking.
- It's Shelley.

Shelley?

SALEM: Zelda, you'll never guess
who called. I'll give you a hint.

- Shelley.
- Shelley.

Your ex-girlfriend?
The one who left you?

She didn't leave me.
She just needed some time by herself.

- Two decades?
- Three.

But, and I repeat, but,
from the sound of her voice,

I'd say she has crawling back
on her mind.

I see.

Did you happen to mention
that you're a cat now?

Is it that noticeable?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Oh, not again.

Hilda, stop that.

It wasn't me.

- Sabrina?
- What's wrong?

Mr. Rothwell's giving us
a huge math test tomorrow.

So now I have to go memorise
formulas, like X equals why me?

You watch that finger, young lady.

Negative B plus or minus
the square root of B squared

minus four AC over two A.

[SINGING] Shake your whammy fanny
Funky song, funky song

Shake your whammy fa--

- Harvey.
- What?

You're singing "Funky Song."

Now it's gonna be stuck
in my head during the test.

Sorry, I didn't even know
I was doing it.

Well, I'm really nervous,
so please don't sing.

Okay.

Negative B plus or minus
the square root of B--

I hear you thinking it.

- I can't think it?
- Not while I'm studying.

- Can I at least finish this verse?
- Yeah, but hurry up.

[MOUTHING]

- Okay, done.
- Good.

Negative B plus or minus
the square root of--

I hate Rothwell.

Look, Sabrina, you know this stuff.

You know you know it.
You just have to relax.

I can't. You see this?

This is me freaking out.

Okay, now, please, can I just study?

I promise, I won't make a noise.

You can turn the page.

- Gordie, hurry.
- Wait.

How do I find the slope of a line?

Oh, it's easy, you just--

I lost it. The slope slipped.

If only we had more time.

Much better.

M equals...

I knew that.

[SINGS]
Shake your whammy fanny

Okay, it's M equals Y sub two,
minus Y sub one,

over X sub two, minus X sub one.

- You saved my life.
- Thank me later, right now, move!

Move, move, move.

Five, four, three, two--

- F.
- Poor Emma.

I think she stopped to help
that girl in the wheelchair.

Too late. Bye-bye.

All right, let's get started.

The test consists of questions,
for a possible points.

The first five are worth nine points,
the next five eight points,

the last five are little three pointers.

You may begin.

- What was that?
- I dropped my pencil.

Oh, please,
I know what's going here.

You're leaning over to look
at your neighbour's test.

- No, I--
- That's it.

Come sit at my desk.
You'll take the test there.

Then I won't have to worry
about you cheating.

But I've never cheated
on a test in my life.

Then this should be no problem.

SABRINA [ IN VOICEOVER]:
Okay, get to work.

Negative B plus or minus--

HARVEY [SINGS]:
Funky song, funky song

SABRINA: Harvey...
Why did I study with Harvey?

Because he's cute.

I wonder if we'll get married.

No, no, no. Pay attention.

Negative B plus or minus--

I hate Rothwell, I hate Rothwell.

Oh, no, can he hear me think?

I've gotta relax.

Can't tense up.

[SCRATCHING]

Why is everyone writing so loud?

Why did Napoleon want
to rule by himself?

No, math, stick to math.

You know this stuff.
You can do this.

Negative B--

[BELL RINGS]

- What?
- Pencils down.

Time's up.

"Then add one macadamia nut
and he will have an expanding butt."

What's going on?
I heard an expl*si*n.

Oh, you're just making soup.

No, I'm stirring up a little revenge
for Mr. Rothwell.

- What happened?
- It was so humiliating.

He made me take the test
in front of the whole class.

- Like, some sort of zoo monkey?
- Yeah.

Koko hate teacher man.

Anyway, I know I flunked,
so I'm giving him an expanding butt

until I can find the perfect
revenge spell.

Well, you know, nothing says payback
like just desserts.

"The spell that guarantees
he'll get what's coming to him."

But it's only to be used
as a last resort.

You might want to try to deal
with him the mortal way first.

- You mean TP his house?
- No, talk to him.

I don't want to. You talk to him.

- Mr. Rothwell?
- Yes.

Hi, I'm Hilda Spellman,
Sabrina's aunt.

I wanted to talk to you about
the test that she took today.

Excellent timing, I just finished
correcting them, I'll find hers.

Oh, thanks. See, she's upset
because she thinks she failed it,

but I know she didn't, because she's
very bright and she studied so hard--

- She got an F.
- That's impossible.

- Are you sure you added it up right?
- Ms. Spellman, I'm a math teacher,

but feel free to double check.

There were questions.

The first five were worth points.
The next five were worth .

And the last five were worth .

Sabrina got two of the biggies,
three of the middies,

and one of the babies for a total of
points, what percent of a hundred?

Oh, questions, points,
carry the two...

- I have no idea.
- Forty-five percent.

Jeez, no wonder she failed.

But I didn't have a chance
to study for this meeting.

More lizard's leg and don't skimp
on the howlet's wing.

Let's put in this jar
of cocktail onions.

- It's been in the fridge forever.
- Yeah.

- What smells so sweet?
- Revenge.

It's time to teach
Mr. Rothwell a lesson.

With a number two cauldron?

- It can't be that serious.
- It is.

- Keep stirring.
- Wait,

there's been a breakdown
in communication.

I will go talk to him.

As physicist to algebra teacher,
and we will work this out logically.

And no one seeks vengeance
until I get back.

Can we at least make
his butt a little bigger?

As big as you want it to be.

I wanted to discuss this rationally,
but you're making it hard.

Hey, she failed the test.

- What do you want me to do about it?
- The circumstances were unfair.

If it makes you feel better,
you can blame this on me,

but I think we both know
these problems start at home.

What problems?

Hey, if a kid can't master
the quadratic equation,

that says to me,
dysfunctional family.

- We function just fine.
- Tell it to a social worker.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get to the gym.

This is so great. Thank you so much
for backing me up.

Well, you were percent
right about this guy.

Please, no percentages.

Is it revenge yet?

Mm. It's really spiteful.
Let's finish the spell.

Hilda, you do the honours.

Adder's fork and blind-worms sting.

Lizard's leg and howlet's wing.

For a charm of powerful trouble,

fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Take it away, Sabrina.

Fair is foul and foul is fair.

Hover through fog and filthy air.

- Now what?
- Wait and see.

You cackled.

This is gonna be so cool.

[BELL RINGS]

Weird. Rothwell is never late.

Maybe he called in sick.

Or maybe he had car trouble.

Or maybe the earth yawned
and swallowed him up.

It could happen.

Oh, toothpicks.

I am late for the first time in my life,

because I've been the victim
of a great injustice.

- Yes.
- I got a speeding ticket.

Speeding ticket?

Three witches
and a number ten cauldron

and the best we could do
was a stupid speeding ticket?

Maybe the lizard's leg wasn't fresh.

I thought it smelled funny.

Great. Rothwell will probably
just go to court and weasel out of it.

Court? The spell is working.
He'll find his just desserts there.

Let's go early and get good seats.

And don't worry,
justice will be served.

Oh, yeah?
Then how come his butt deflated?

SALEM: What do you think?
Red Lamborghini.

This has to impress
my ex-girlfriend, Shelley.

Sure. Now all you have to do is lose
the paws, the whiskers and the fur.

SALEM: Hey, so what if I'm a cat?
This car says I got it going on.

It's a travesty of justice, sir.

I mean, I know red.
Red is the colour of rage.

And that light was not red.
It was yellow.

Yellow as the sunshine.

Well, in light of your flowery prose

and the fact that
the arresting officer didn't show,

I'll cut your fine in half.

Half? Sir, half an injustice
is still an injustice.

Case closed. This court is in recess.

Wait, come back here.
I want that judge. He was easy.

- Mr. Rothwell?
- Do I know you?

Well, of course you wouldn't
recognise me.

Not without tears
streaming down my face

like a harsh, unforgiving rain.

I'm Clifford Weaver,
your former algebra student.

Wait, you're a novelist now.
You wrote Rage Against the System.

I loved that book. It was full of hate.

There's Mr. Rothwell.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Oh, I think that's for us.

Either that's part of the spell,
or the bailiff keeps steaks.

- I bet that's our judge.
- In the refrigerator?

Yes. Witch judges take turns in
the deep freeze to prevent media bias.

For example, Judge Samuels
has been in here since .

Wow, a man untouched by CNN.

Now, that's a good night's sleep.

Hi, Judge Samuels.

Here's the deal, we are--

Shh. Not a word.
I must stay pure for the law.

Just a cup of cocoa
and I'm in business.

Guilty. Order.

One more outburst like that and I'll--

All right, I'm ready.

Court is in session.

Jeremy Rothwell.

You are charged with violating
Vehicular Code, section - ,

driving at an unsafe speed.

- How do you plead?
- Not guilty.

You are also charged with violation
of the Existential Code, section -B.

Multiple counts of being mean
and unfair. How do you plead?

What is this? I never heard
of an Existential Code.

You have to read the fine print.

- How do you plead?
- Not guilty.

- Ha!
- Plea entered. Strike the "ha."

Prosecution may present its case.

- Are the people present?
- We're the people.

We are? Cool.

- Sabrina, what are you doing here?
- Didn't you hear?

We're the people.

- Proceed.
- Thank you, Your Honour.

The people would like to call
as their first witness...

...Clifford Weaver.

[GARGLES]

Mm.

Minty fresh for my lady.

I'd be more nervous
if I weren't so good-looking.

And yes, he failed me.

But, I mean, listen to those words.

He failed me.

Throw the book at him, judge.

Thank you, Clifford.

Your Honour, I'd like to cross-examine
this witness.

Well, then proceed.

Clifford, you wrote the book

- Rage Against the System, correct?
- Correct.

Isn't it true that
The New York Times

picked you as the best of the
new breed of angry young writers?

I resent that moniker, but, yes.

Well, what made you angry,
Clifford?

Was it your mother
holding your hand?

Was it the librarian
patting your head?

Or was it me?

I gave you that anger.
I spoon-fed you that rage.

I made you what you are today.
You should thank me.

You never helped me. That's a lie.

No further questions.

I've never been so angry in my life.

That's my second novel.

Quick, call another witness.

The people call...

...the arresting officer.

- So he was speeding?
- Definitely.

- And was he mean?
- Mean?

Mean, disagreeable,
unkind, knavish. Mean.

Well, he threw
his registration at me,

then he muttered under
his breath, "What a jerk."

But I heard him.
I have really good ears.

And lovely eyes.

Thank you.

No further questions.

The people call our next witness...

...Sabrina Spellman.

Well, normally I don't like
to say bad things about people,

but, as I am under oath,

Mr. Rothwell is completely unfair.

He doesn't like kids,
he doesn't like math,

he doesn't like teaching or chalk.

These are very serious charges.

Have you any proof?

I could call my friend Gordie.

- Proof, proof. Any proof?
- It doesn't exist.

Mr. Rothwell's unfairness lies
only in the hearts and minds

of those students whose love of math
he has destroyed.

Including yours, Sabrina?

It's too early to tell, but there's
a chance that for the rest of my life,

I will fear math.

I will sweat every time I have
to calculate a tip.

I will put off balancing
my chequebook.

I will play blackjack,
but I will not understand it.

If you understood it,
you wouldn't play it.

Thank you. You may step down.

Counsellor, are there
any other witnesses?

The people rest.

Would the defendant like
to make a closing statement?

Yes, I would.

Your Honour, I'm not a babysitter.

I'm paid to teach math,
and that is what I do.

Yes, I could be more sensitive,

but let's face it,
the world is full of people like me.

People who choose favourites,
people who don't accept excuses,

people who are unfair.

Well, life is unfair

and I'm just helping my students
to get used to that.

Mr. Rothwell, just one last question.

Do you intend to teach high school
for the rest of your life?

Are you kidding?
I'm just doing this until

I can start up
my own software company.

Thank you.

Well, I shall return with my decision

and a fresh cup of cocoa.

SALEM: Flowers, soft lights.
What's missing?

Oops. Almost forgot.

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS ON RADIO]

Oh, yeah.

I've reached my decision.

With respect to
the Existential Code violation,

this court finds you not guilty
due to insufficient evidence.

With respect to
the Vehicular Code violation,

- the court finds you guilty as charged.
- Oh, nuts.

But we'll waive the usual $ fine

and instead sentence you to a lifetime
of teaching high school algebra.

What? That's not fair.

- Case closed.
- No.

No!

No, no, no!

This trial shall be stricken
from all mortal memory.

Court is adjourned.

Wait a second.

How can being sentenced to teaching
high school be sufficient punishment?

Because it's the worst thing
Mr. Rothwell can imagine.

But now kids are gonna be stuck
with him year after year.

Well, whether he means to or not,
he teaches a valuable lesson.

- Some people are just jerks?
- Yes.

But if you study hard and you don't
let him get to you, you'll pass algebra.

And then you can forget it.

But he's trapped in math forever.

So he did get his just desserts.

And now I think we should get
frozen desserts.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SALEM:
The door's open.

- Salem?
SALEM: I don't believe it.

You look even more stunning
than the last time I saw you.

It's so good to see you too.

- No, stay back.
- Why?

You said you wanted to talk,
so let's talk.

You want to talk?

- You have changed.
- You could say that.

- Is that your cat?
- That-- Yes.

They make incredible companions,
you know.

So, what's on your mind?

Us and how we broke up.

See, at the time I felt shut out.

You were so consumed
with global conquest

and I resented taking a back seat
to world domination.

But, here it is, years later,

and now I realise

that you were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Go on.

I know it's kind of sudden, but
I think we should give it another try.

I don't see why not. I care about you.
You care about me.

Enough words. Salem, hold me.

- Oh, Shelley.
- Oh, no, your cat.

Get off me.

- Salem?
- I can explain.

Salem? Is that you?

- Yes.
- You're a cat?

- Technically.
- Who's your friend?

A mannequin?

How long were you
expecting this to fool me?

Another seconds?

All right, look,

I got caught and they sentenced me
to a hundred years as this.

This is not what I had in mind.

SALEM:
We can work it out.

SHELLEY:
Sorry, cat. This is goodbye.

I loved you.

But I'm better now. I like to snuggle,

I have great night vision,
and I'm super, super clean.

It's so unfair.

[SOBBING]

Which equals the square root
of negative four, or two I.

Got it. Perfect.

You seem a lot more relaxed today.

Yeah, well, I decided
I'm not gonna let Rothwell get to me.

And I'm even feeling
a little sorry for him.

Did you hear the financing fell through
on his software company?

And have you noticed
how big his butt's gotten?

No. Okay, last problem.

[SINGING] Shake your whammy fanny
Funky song, funky song

Shake your whammy fanny
Funky song

STUDENTS: Shh!
- Sorry.

[MOUTHING]

Poor Salem.

Are you gonna be okay?

SALEM:
I guess, with time. No.

Don't worry,
you'll be happy again soon.

Please.
Shelley was the love of my life.

What would ever replace her
in my heart?

Maybe this will help.

A giant ball of yarn!

Oh, this is the best ever.

I thought you'd like it.

Like it?
I don't even remember her name.