01x15 - Hilda and Zelda: The Teenage Years

[bunniefuu]

HILDA: Salem?
SALEM: Yes.

Does this sweater make me
look fat?

- A little.
- I don't get it.

Zelda's clothes usually fit me fine.

ZELDA:
Hilda, coffee's ready.

Aha! Caught you.

Well, I'm kind of hard to miss today.

What's with this sweater?

I put a spell on my clothes

so you wouldn't borrow them
without asking me.

A booby trap.

You are so sneaky.

You know, it makes your legs
look really thin.

[GASPS]

- It rubbed off?
- Yes, I put a time release on it.

You'll be that way for an hour.

You never did learn to share.

ZELDA: Well, I'd be happy to
if you just learned to ask.

- What are they arguing about?
- Like I listen.

Cute sweater.

It's Zelda's. You might want to
ask her before you put it on.

I'm sure she wouldn't mind.

Look, it fits perfectly.

What's happened?

Oh, no. She got you too.
This sweater's hexed.

Why can't I just live
in a normal house?

Why can't a sweater
just be a sweater?

Poor Sabrina.

Zelda, could you give me
a hand here?

Of course.

Grease is "a" word, not "the" word.

Are you kidding? I'd love to meet
the Violent Femmes. When? Where?

They'll be signing CD's at Music
City in Boston. Tonight at midnight.

Midnight? That's perfect.
I have no conflicting plans.

- But I still have to ask my aunts.
- Just tell them what I told my parents.

It's an astrology field trip.

Don't you mean astronomy?

Wow, they're paying even less
attention than I thought.

This will be so much fun.
You, me and the Violent Femmes.

You're going to see
the Violent Femmes?

- Yeah.
- You have to let me come with you.

I will do anything to meet
Gordon Gano.

You know I hate this word, but,
please? The more the merrier.

- All right. You can come.
- Thanks. This is so great.

I love the Violent Femmes.

You're going to see
the Violent Femmes?

- Can I come too?
- No.

Jeez, Gordie, you can't just invite
yourself along.

I thought you just said
"the more the merrier."

Twist my words, why don't you?

Look, it's my car. And I say
any Femmes fan is welcome.

So, Gordie, you're in.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- Cool.
- Shotgun.

Boston, midnight, rock band.

- It sounds kind of dangerous.
- Oh, but it's not.

- It's totally safe.
- What's the name of the band again?

The Violent Femmes.

Which is completely ironic because

there aren't even any femmes
in the band, let alone violent ones.

Look, maybe if you had some
adult supervision.

Hilda and I could go along.

That would be
the most embarrassing thing ever.

I can't show up with old people.

Now don't try sweet-talking us.

You know what I mean. Come on.
Don't you trust me?

We do. But there are lots of
sickos out there that we don't.

And there's always peer pressure
which can cloud your judgement.

So in other words, you trust me,
but you don't trust me.

I'm glad our position is clear.

- You have to let me go.
- Not without adult supervision.

Then I can't go.
You guys ruin everything.

We ruin it because we care.

It's so hard.

I wish there was some sort
of compromise.

There must be some way
to make us all happy.

She could-- No.

Or we could-- No.

Or what if?

This stinks.

If it was up to them, I would stay
in my room and never have fun.

SALEM: I'm a house pet.
It's hard for me to sympathise.

Hey, have you checked out the dust
bunnies under your bed? They're fun.

[KNOCKING]

ZELDA: Sabrina?
- What?

HILDA:
There's someone here to see you.

SABRINA: Who?
ZELDA: Open the door.

BOTH: Surprise.
- Do I know you?

[HILDA'S VOICE]
Don't you recognise us?

[ZELDA'S VOICE]
I'll give you a hint. That was it.

Oh, my God.
What are you guys up to?

We know you objected
to adult supervision,

but how do you feel about
teenage supervision?

You'd go with me
to the Violent Femmes?

Yes. Your friends will never know and
you won't have to be embarrassed.

Just incredibly weirded out.

Ow! This body pinches.

Don't slouch.

So...

- ...what do you think?
- I don't know. I mean, for one thing,

your voices do not sound
like normal teenagers.

We can change that.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Is this better?

[IN MAN'S VOICE]
And how about me?

Oops, wrong direction.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Ahem. There we go.

Not bad. Maybe this could work.

- Far out!
- Swell.

- The word is "cool."
- Cool.

- Cool.
ZELDA: Cool.

HILDA: Cool.
- Cool.

That is so creepy.

What are you doing?
Harvey will be here any minute.

I was just making us some snacks.

- Hey, I can take stairs two at a time.
- Is that what you're planning to wear?

- Why not?
- Here, try this.

Hey.

Don't I look cool?

Next.

- My midriff is showing.
- You're . It's okay.

I am not leaving this house
dressed like a hussy.

You are or you're not going.

[HORN HONKS]

It's Harvey. Let's go.

Now, remember, you're my extremely
shy cousins, Hilda and Zelda.

Wait, no one would name
their kids that.

Okay, you're Hillary
and you're Zellery.

- Zellery?
- Yeah, your parents were hippies.

Go.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

It's very uncomfortable in here.

Yes, but we're teenagers.
We don't care.

Can you turn the music down?
It's a little hard to take.

It's the Violent Femmes.

Oh, I love them.

Turn it up.

Hands back on the wheel.
Ten and two. Ten and two.

Jeez, someone took driver's ed
a little too seriously.

She's right, you know.

I'm always saying that to people,
but they just don't listen.

- Fools.
- Gordon Gano.

- Gordon Gano. Gordon Gano.
- What are you doing?

Reminding myself
why I'm in this clown car.

Gordon Gano.

Just think. The Violent Femmes
are breathing this same air.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Cool? It's downright cold.

Where are the guys? Shouldn't
they have parked the car by now?

And why isn't this bakery open?

Stop complaining.
This is what we drove here for.

How smart. Libby brought a book.

"The Magic Within"?

Now, what's that about?

I'm going to cast a spell on
Gordon Gano.

A spell? Like witchcraft?

Oh, please. That's just twaddle.

This is a self-help book.

It teaches you how to summon
your feminine powers.

That's the magic within.

Hence, the title.

If it works, when I meet Gordon Gano,
he won't be able to resist me.

- What do you mean?
- You'll have to shell out

the . for the details.

But I learned how to do this thing
with my eyes

that will bring any man
under my spell.

Does it go something like this?

No.

And I'm not gonna waste my powers
by showing you.

In fact, I'm supposed to start
conserving my energy now.

Hey, there they are.

Who? I can't see.

SABRINA: It's Harvey and Gordie.
- Man, this line is really long.

- Wow, Libby, you look cool.
- Thanks.

Wait, did Gordie say that?
He knows nothing about cool.

- Oh, that is so cute.
- I wish I brought my camera.

What are you doing?

- I thought you might be cold.
- Actually, I'm warm.

In fact, I'm even feeling
a little flushed.

I'm cold.
Perhaps because I'm barely dressed.

Oh, would you like my scarf?

Thank you, Gordie. How kind.

Zellery, can I speak to you
a moment?

What are you thinking?
You just took Gordie's scarf.

So? I'll give it back.

No. That means he likes you.

And by accepting it, it means you
like him. It's the teenage code.

It's just a scarf.

You are so naive.

We're moving. We're moving.

We stopped.

I don't believe it.
How long is this gonna take?

And frankly, I think it's time
for Alan Greenspan to step down.

I couldn't agree with you more.

Well, that was a fun conversation.
Now can we talk about anything else?

Music, cars, food.

That reminds me.
Anyone want snacks?

- Yeah.
- I brought carrot sticks

- and hard-boiled eggs.
- My favourite.

Who taught her what a snack was?

My legs hurt.
We should have brought chairs.

You know, to sit on.

We know what chairs are.

I'm cold.

I want to go back to the car.

- Great idea.
- I'll walk you.

- Harvey, toss me your keys.
- Here you go.

Hey, bad throw.

Let's go.

I can't take the waiting any longer.

I'm going to see what the holdup is.

Boston really seems to have blown
your cousins' minds.

Yeah, they're not as grown up
as they think they are.

Well, at least we're alone now.

Except for the little match girl.

It was very sweet of you to see me
back to the car.

I'll make sure to lock the doors
when you go back.

I'm not going back.

But you'll miss the Violent Femmes.

I'd rather be with you.

I want to know everything.

Let's start with how you got
such an unusual name.

Zellery.

It's not that unusual.

I think it's tantalizing.
And very poetic.

It rhymes with celery.

[CHUCKLES]

You are just delightful.

Excuse me. Hi. I have a question.

- Gas station at the corner.
- No.

My friends and I have been waiting
for a very long time.

I'm feeling a tickle in my throat.

So I was wondering
if we could pop in,

say hello to the band
and go home to bed.

You mean, let you cut in line?

I think Andrew Jackson can explain it
better than I can.

Hey, I don't let anyone cut.

Especially not for a .

But I'm sick of waiting.

Then you have two choices:
Continue to wait or go home.

But I--

Or keep pushing me
and you won't get in at all.

Now, get back in the line.

I don't like your tone.

I want your badge number.

Move your hand.

I said get back in line, missy.

Missy? Who are you calling missy?

- I'm glad you got cold.
- Me too.

ZELLERY: Sabrina.
- All warm.

We need to talk.

Gordie just asked me to go steady.

I knew it. What did you say?

I'm thinking about it.

What? I forbid you to date Gordie.

I mean, I'm thinking
about how to say no.

I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I warned you about wearing his scarf.
But would you listen? No.

Maybe you could talk to him for me?

You got yourself into this mess,
you get yourself out.

- How else are you gonna learn?
- But I-- Unfair.

And don't pout, Aunt Zelda.

Your face is gonna freeze like that.
Now, go let him down gently.

- What's going on?
- Oh, my cousin's got a little problem.

Hey. Get back here.

HILLARY:
Sabrina, help.

- Isn't that your other cousin?
GUARD: Hey.

Yeah.

Just think about it. I've got all night.

Excuse me. Hi.

Gas station on the corner.

No, you have my cousin in your car.

And I was just wondering,
is she in big trouble?

- She stole my badge. I want it back.
- If I could just talk to her,

- I'm sure I could straighten things out.
- Fine, you talk to her,

because I don't want to.

So would you like to tell me
what happened?

- No.
- I can't help you if you don't tell me.

- I didn't do anything.
- What's in your hand?

If you give the badge back,
he'll let you go.

- I don't want to.
- Aunt Hilda, give the badge back.

Sir, here's your badge.

- Okay. Bye.
- Don't you have something to say?

- I'm sorry.
- Like you mean it.

- I'm sorry.
- That's better.

Now, go ahead.

Get back in line.

- I'm glad that's over.
- We'll talk about this more at home.

- Gordie?
- Don't.

The pain is still too fresh.

Did they call Hillary's parents?

No. I think I'm cold again.

- How are you doing?
- Terrible.

- These hormones are driving me nuts.
- I know.

I forgot how emotional life
is when you're a teenager.

No kidding. Once was enough.

The line's moving.

- Are we getting close?
- Real close.

- Watch out, manhole.
- Ah!

Just kidding.

All right. We're next.

Finally. This is gonna make up
for everything.

Hey, on behalf of the Violent Femmes,
I want to thank you all for waiting.

- Are we going in?
- Unfortunately,

the store is now closed.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What?

Oh, boy.
Can I talk to you a moment?

Look, I'm sorry about the timing--

You have to let us in.

I mean, talk about Violent Femmes,
if they don't meet the band,

they will be four extremely
violent femmes.

I'm the one who has to drive them
all back to Westbridge

along with one lovesick dude.

Do not make me do that.

You know what I'm saying.
You've been there, right?

Hartford. Led Zeppelin. .

- Go on in.
- Thank you.

Really, thank you.

Do you see them?

Yes. Oh, there they are.

I thought they said the last group
was the last group.

No, I guess the last group was
the second-to-last group.

- Now, this group is the last group.
- Oh.

- Thanks for coming.
- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for coming.
- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for coming.
- Thanks for coming.

GANO: Thanks for coming.
HOFFMAN: Thanks for coming.

RITCHIE: Thanks for coming.
- Put me in front of Gordon Gano.

You are in front of Gordon Gano.

Oh, let me summon
my magic within.

- Gordon.
- Thanks for coming.

Aren't you going to look at me?

- Do you have a question?
- Yes.

Which do you prefer,
stuffing or potatoes?

Huh?

- Is something wrong with your eyes?
- Should we help her out?

A half-hour infatuation spell
ought to work.

Wow!

You're fantastic.

- I must know your name.
- Libby Chessler.

Can I play a song for you,
Libby Chessler?

If you like.

Guys, let's do "Please Do Not Go."

But I have a cramp in my hand.

And we don't have our instruments.

We'll use these.

Come on. It's for Libby.

A one, two, three, four.

[SINGING] Tell you, man,
I'm stuck on this Lovely girl

'Cause to me she mean
All the world

But then she like another guy

I fall down dead
She never see the tears I cry

I said, please, please
Please do not go

Please, please, please
Do not go

This is so...

- Cool?
- Yeah, cool.

I wrote that for you,
even before I knew you existed.

I thought so.

Happy? The car is outside.

We've gotta go.

This can't be it. I just met you.

Hey, why don't you come hang
with us at the hotel courtesy suite?

Would you? Would you?

- Sure. That sounds like fun.
- Great.

We're at the Copley Plaza.
Bring any friends you'd like.

She said yes!

It worked. It totally worked.

I unleashed my magic within.

And now we get to go party
with the Violent Femmes.

Not so fast.

Gordon said I could bring anyone
I wanted.

I'm cool with you and the boys,

but I'm afraid that doesn't include
the Olsen twins.

What? But--

They came with us.
We can't ditch them.

They're no fun.

All they did was whine, complain, and
talk about the Federal Reserve Board.

Frankly, they're an embarrassment.

You owe them more than you think.

- I owe them nothing.
- You ate an egg.

You are on the verge of cool here.

Don't blow it.

Now, are you gonna dump them
or not?

No.

Hillary and Zellery aren't just
my relatives, they're my friends.

And if they don't go, I don't go.

Come on, Harvey, Gordie.

If Sabrina's not going, I'm not going.

And if Harvey's not going,
I'm not going.

Fine.
More classic ' s rockers for me.

I'll take a cab and go alone.
See you.

We can't let her go alone.
It's not safe.

Someone has to go with her.

Not Harvey. He's our ride.

I've got it.

Gordie, could you do me a favour?

Anything.

You could sit closer.

Not tonight.

Sabrina, can we talk?

Now's not really a good time.
Maybe next week.

- I feel awful.
- She was right.

We do ruin everything.

We've got to make it up
to her somehow.

I know, we could-- No.

Or, what if--? Wait,

first I've got to get out of this body.

Me too.

After you.

- Much better.
- My turn.

Oh, I'll say.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[KNOCKING]

- Can we come in?
- I suppose.

Oh, good. You're back
to what passes for normal.

Look, we're really sorry
we embarrassed you.

And we feel we owe you some fun.

So...

Ta-da!

- I get to clean the house?
- No.

- You get to fly.
- On a vacuum?

Yes. See, old-time witches
used broomsticks,

but vacuums are must faster
and more efficient.

You're gonna let me fly?
I don't believe this.

It's true. You proved tonight that
you can handle the responsibility.

We were very impressed by the way
you refused to buckle to peer pressure.

And most importantly,
you called us your friends.

Stop. You're embarrassing me.

- Is the bag inflated?
- Check.

- Are you set for low shag?
- Check.

Then you're all ready for liftoff.

Now, keep your hands at and .

- Don't flood it.
- I won't, I won't.

- She's up.
- I'm up.

This is great.

Wait, you forgot to tell me
how to land.

Just use the magic within.

I'm flying and cleaning the air
at the same time.

I think I'll buzz the Copley Plaza.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

I thought we were gonna party,
not watch stupid cartoons.

Shh! I missed what Ren said.

He's going to the
Muddy Mudskipper show.

I've seen this one three times.

Yeah, it really holds up, doesn't it?

I can't believe this is
what you guys do for fun.

Don't you want to play more songs
for me, Gordon?

- Not really.
- Are you sure?

Maybe you should have
your eyes checked.

My reserves must be depleted.

Come on, Gordie. Let's go home.

In a second.
This is my favourite part.

- Mine too.
- Gordie, you're the coolest.

Unbelievable.

Maybe I do need to get
my eyes checked.

I can see my house from here.

- Hey.
- Hello, Sabrina.

- How was school?
- Fine.

How's Harvey?

Oh, he's got a bit of a cold.

- And Libby?
- Unfortunately, she's great.

She won't stop talking
about the Violent Femmes.

So everyone's fine? Everyone?

You know, you can ask about Gordie
if you want.

Well, did he say anything about me?

I mean, Zellery?

Yeah. As a matter of fact he did.

Really, what?

Let me try and get every word
exactly right.

He said, "Tell her
I want my scarf back."