01x18 - Sweet Charity

[bunniefuu]

[SINGING]
Those fingers in my hair

That sly come-hither stare

That strips my conscience bare
It's witchcraft

- Salem, did I hear you singing?
- No, I was just--

It's okay.
I came in because it sounded good.

Oh, come on. I'm no-- You think?

- Yeah, I just wanted a front row seat.
- Me too.

- Right behind you.
- Well, well, well.

- Old Yellow Eyes, you still got it.
- Hit it, cat.

And I've got no defence for it

The heat is too intense for it

What good would
Common sense for it do?

[GAGGING]

Hairball.

Hairball.

Safari, so goodie.

It's an interesting theory,

but I don't think there's a force field
around this table.

Then why isn't anyone signing up
to adopt a grandparent?

Do you think it's clear that these
adoptions are not legally binding?

Hey, guys.

Libby, can I sign you up for the
Adopt-a-Grandparent programme?

Actually, I came here to tell you guys
about my new community service.

It's the Adopt-a-Life programme.
May I sign you up?

- Don't answer, trick question.
- See you, freak.

Frizzy freak.

Frizzy? These happen to be curls.

Let it go, Jenny. Take the high road.

What's going on?

Some foreign exchange students
are sitting at our table.

Deport them.

What's with your socks? Did you
get dressed in the dark this morning?

No. How did this happen?

- Quick, switch socks with each other.
- What?

I need a trend and I need it now.

Hey, Harvey, over here.
We need you to sign up.

I did on my way in.

Yeah, but nobody else has, so could
you do it again and do it loudly?

All right.

Sure, I'd love to adopt a grandparent.

Old people are so much fun.

They know tons of stuff
and sometimes they give you money.

Shh! Don't go there.

Well, at least
we filled the sign-up sheet.

Yeah, but it's all Harvey
and Mighty Mouse.

- So then my dance instructor said--
- Hey, look at her.

She matches.

- What are you making?
- Hair soup.

I thought long tresses
would look nice for a change.

Hmm, tastes really wavy.

Sorry I'm late. It took longer
at the bookstore than I expected.

- Did you get me Cat Fancy?
- Yes.

- Salem, here's your New Republic.
- Thanks.

I hate the politics, but Brustein
on the theatre is a revelation.

- Why do you keep smiling?
- I do not.

- Yes, you do.
- Do not.

Fine, don't tell me.
I can always twist your arm.

Cut it out. Oh, you.

- Ow. You're pulling my ear.
- Let go of my arm.

- Let go of my ear.
- Enough. Okay, I'll tell you.

I met a guy at the bookstore.

Oh, really?
What was his pick-up line?

He didn't have one.

He mistook me for an employee

and asked if we carried any books
on how to meet intelligent women.

Mm-hm.

- Do you think you'll see him again?
- He took my number.

But it wasn't a pick up.

Soup's on.

- You want some?
- Just a smidge in the bowl.

How about you, Zelda?
It's hair soup.

No, thanks. I just got mine cut.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, yuck. There's a hair
in my hair soup.

Of course I remember you, Rick.

[MOUTHING]

No, I'm still here.

- What's she smiling about?
- A boy.

Hold on, Rick.
I'm gonna grab the cordless.

You were saying?

You want some hair soup?
It's really thick and luxurious.

No, thanks. I'm on my way
to the senior centre.

But I should
probably bring something.

Chewy caramels. That's perfect.

This is already better
than visiting my real grandparents.

I don't have to take my earrings out.

How do we know which one
to choose?

I see mine.

I see mine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This is kind of awkward, but would you
like to be my grandmother?

Of course. That would be lovely.

But before I start bragging about you,
I need to know your name.

I'm Sabrina. And what's yours?

- You can call me Nana.
- Great.

An awkward silence.
It's like we really are family.

Here, how about looking
at my scrapbook.

Wow, awesome photo
of Elijah Wood.

Oh, he's my little honey.

- You know him?
- Noah Wyle introduced us.

You know Noah Wyle?

Only through Christian Slater.

I love Christian Slater.
How do you know these people?

Well, when you get to be my age,
you know just about everybody.

Howard?

Did you come to adopt
a grandparent?

No, I'm here to take a photo
for the school paper.

We're doing an article on community
service. It's called "Westbridge Cares."

But apparently not that much.

I'll go set up.

Excellent timing. The photo will be
great publicity for the programme.

Yeah, I only wish we could have gotten
someone cool to be here.

- Thanks a lot.
- You know what I mean.

Someone who others follow.

Like Libby, the Lord High Empress
of Westbridge?

I thought she was
sophomore class president.

Libby would never
show her face here.

Maybe we could fake it.

My dad says that Russia's
on their third Boris Yeltsin.

Oh, come on.
You can't fake a person.

Of course you can't.

Gotta go.

This is the worst thing
I've ever had to do.

Ew.

- All right, I'm here.
- Libby.

What are you doing
at the senior centre?

I thought I'd stop by
and improve your image.

You're gonna help us?

Look, I know I'm completely shallow
and self-absorbed,

but every now and then
I think of others.

All set. If you could stand together.

No problem.

How's this?

You mean, next to you?

- Sure.
- Smile.

Now put that on the front page,
and remember,

old people are the coolest.
You can quote me on that.

I will. Thanks, Libby. What a scoop.

Now that the reporter's gone,
I guess I'll go too.

Bye.

Did you see that?
Libby treated me like a human.

I'm glad we took a picture. Sabrina's
gonna think we pulled a Yeltsin.

Hey, what's up?

Libby was just here.

No. Well, that ought to get
kids involved.

Sabrina, look, the senior-centre photo
made the front page.

Cool. Has Libby seen this?

[SCREAMS]

What is this?

A photo of you standing next
to Jenny.

I would not. This is a fake.

They must have put my face
on someone else's body,

and not a very good one.

But it quotes you as saying,
"Old people are the coolest."

No, cheerleaders are the coolest.

Harvey, you were at the senior centre.
You didn't see me there, right?

Libby, you did a good thing.
Deal with it.

I've been framed.

What's with her?
How can she not remember?

Isn't it obvious?

Libby has multiple personalities,
and we finally met the nice one.

[BELL RINGS]

Now, today we're gonna
be studying sight,

and there's more to this subject
than meets the eye.

- Mr. Pool?
- Yeah?

Before you begin,
I'd like to make an announcement

regarding the front page
of the school newspaper.

You know what?
I noticed that myself.

And may I say, I was proud to have all
three outstanding citizens in my class.

Libby, Harvey, Jenny.
You are the hope of America.

Now, let's hear it
for these everyday heroes, huh?

What was it
you wanted to say, Libby?

Nothing.

We'll be at the senior centre again
today if anyone else wants to join us.

Us? I don't recall seeing you there,
Sabrina.

Hey.

- Hi.
- I see the hair spell kicked in.

I probably shouldn't have had
that second bowl of hair soup,

but I thought muttonchops
would be nice for a change.

You look like Gregg Allman.

I'll take that as a compliment.

- So how was your date with Rick?
- Oh, not so good.

I'm starting to feel really weird
about the age difference.

Normally I don't care
about these things,

but Rick keeps bringing up stuff
that makes me feel old.

- Like what?
- Oh, he keeps talking about

how he can't wait
for the turn of the century.

Big deal. I've done that five times.

Oh, and it's always the same.

I've partied like it was ,
, .

This time I'm staying home.

Exactly.

I think I'm gonna break off
our relationship.

Oh, you haven't even given him
a chance.

You grow a little facial hair,
and suddenly you're on his side.

SALEM:
Hey, look at me. I'm a hippie cat.

Try some fudge.
Pete Sampras sent it to me.

And who sent you the Turtles,
Chris O'Donnell?

No. Leonardo DiCaprio.

Mm. Then I'll have one of these.

Oh, excuse me. I'll be right back.

Guys, where are you going? You gotta
pick out a grandparent while they last.

No, thanks, we only came because
we thought Libby would be here.

- And she's not, so we're going.
- But you can't go.

We need people,
and maybe Libby will come.

In fact, I'm sure Libby will come.
Oh, I think I see her in the hall now.

Oh, man. Not again.

Oh, stupid Libby.

- Hi, guys.
- Libby, you made it.

Sabrina told me you were thinking
of taking off.

- No.
- Old people are the coolest.

You got that right.
Oh, hey, there's Jenny.

Hi, Jenny. How's it going?

Good.

Nana,

Sabrina had to run out for a minute
so she asked me to take over.

- I'm Libby.
- Pleasure to meet you. Turtle?

Mr. Berry, are you sure
you wanna do that?

Well, I admit leaving
my king unprotected

is a somewhat risky strategy,
but I think I know what I'm doing.

Well, you beat me times in a row,
I'm not gonna argue with you.

- Hey, checkmate.
- How about that.

It's time for a victory soda. Libby?

- Yeah, Harvey.
- Can I get you a soda?

Sure, I'd love a ginger ale.

Harvey.

You must have been thirsty if you
couldn't wait for me to bring it back.

- Here you go.
- What's this?

- It's your soda.
- Ginger ale?

What kind of freak drink is that?
I only drink diet.

- But you asked for this.
- No, I didn't.

Now move. I'll get my own soda.

You know, I think
I liked your other personality better,

even if she does pick her nose.

Hey, I got an extra soda.
Do you want it?

I never turn down a free drink.

Harvey, where's my soda?

- You said you didn't want it.
- When?

You called it a freak drink.

I would not.

Yes, I would.

Gotta go.

Oh, stupid old people's
soda machine.

Sorry, sir. I need the phone.

If you have a problem with that,
my name is Libby. Shut the door.

- Finally.
- Hi, Libby, you made it.

This stupid machine gave me
ginger ale. I won't drink this.

I will, thanks.

All right, I'm here.

Isn't anyone going to say hi?

- We already did.
- When you first came in.

I did just come in.
This isn't funny anymore.

What are you doing
with that old lady?

That's the way
the programme works.

You select a grandparent
and spend time with them.

- And what's the catch?
- There isn't a catch.

You get the satisfaction
of doing something nice.

Libby. Libby.

I guess I'll go with her
since she already seems to know me.

Isn't it great?
Look, everyone has someone.

I know. It's working better
than I imagined.

- And it's all thanks to Libby.
- Libby?

You know, deep down,
she's a really good person.

I wouldn't go that far.

I mean, I'm sure Libby can be nice on
rare occasions when I'm not around.

But most of the time,
Libby's just Libby.

Oh, Sabrina. If only you could have
seen the way she waved at me.

But I did. It was like this:

You are not.

I'm the world's biggest
Johnny Depp fan.

Hey, what's up?

- May we help you?
- I just wanted to talk to Nana.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

She's my nana now.

- Aunt Hilda, you got a sec?
- Yeah.

I have a problem.

I'm yours.

I always have time for girl talk.

This isn't about boys.

This is about Libby.

Is she being mean again?

No, she's being nice. It's just as bad.

You see, Jenny and I started
this Adopt-a-Grandparent programme.

- Uh-huh.
- And then Libby got involved

and now she's queen
of the senior centre.

- Why does she always have to win?
- Sabrina, charity's not a contest.

It sounds like when Libby wins,
everybody wins.

Not me. I lost.

She stole my adopted grandmother.

- Then why don't you get a new one?
- Because all the good ones are taken.

Just wait.
People get old all the time.

And remember,
virtue is its own reward.

Thanks for the advice.
Now can I give you some?

Get some tattoos,
you'll work forever.

[LAUGHING]

It's not fair. She was mine first.

Not that I don't enjoy getting
to know you, Mrs. Hardell.

So James Michener's Hawaii.

Now, what's this about?

You make it sound like so much fun,
Mr. Berry.

Why did they call it
the Depression?

Not everybody liked apples
as much as I did.

So tell me more about
Ethan Hawke.

Oh, he's a nice boy.

Does he ever come to visit?

When I call him.

Well, what are you waiting for?

"Poi is made from taro root."

Isn't that fascinating?

I'll read on.

Hi, Sabrina.

I was getting sodas
for me and nana.

That's nice. I'm going home.

So soon? Why?

Well, I've been here two hours and
Mrs. Hardell woke up just long enough

to tell me why foreigners
are ruining this country,

and then she went back to sleep.

Oh, too bad.
Nana and I are having the best time.

In fact, I think this project may turn out
to be very rewarding.

I should thank you for that, Sabrina.

You're thanking me?

Well, I'd better go back in now.

I don't wanna keep my nana waiting.

Ha.

Would you initial here, sir?

Thank you. And it's ma'am.

- Who was that?
- More flowers.

Rick is not giving up easily.

He is one determined young man.

But not so young as to make
a relationship impossible.

They are beautiful, aren't they?

Zeldie, do what you want,

but my female intuition tells me
you still like this guy.

And if that's true,
you shouldn't let age get in the way.

You're as young as you feel.

I'm .

- Do I look it?
- Well, the beard makes you look older.

But you might be right.

There's a lot of stuff
about Rick I like,

and maybe he'll mature.

I think I'll call him.
Oh, and Hilda, thanks for caring.

That's what sisters are for.

Wait, oh. Ow. Don't pull.

And so the outer ear channels
the sound waves to the eardrum,

which picks up the vibrations.

Then three tiny bones in the middle ear
carry the movement to the cochlea,

which is filled with fluid
and cells with tiny hairs that move,

and do you think
I can't hear you whispering?

Come on, I've got three tiny bones
in my ear.

Now, does somebody wanna tell me
what this is about?

Libby's gonna meet Ethan Hawke?
How do you know him?

He's a friend of a friend.

You do a good deed,
you get a little back.

[LAUGHS]

- What's so funny?
- Oh, um, the word cochlea.

You were laughing at me in class,
weren't you?

- I wasn't.
- You were.

- No, I wasn't.
- I've laughed at enough people

to know when I'm being laughed at.

Okay, I was, but just because
I never thought you'd be so gullible.

Gullible? You wanna tell me
what you mean by that?

Quietly?

Let's see.
How could I put this nicely?

Oh, I can't. Nana's whacked.

Look, she doesn't know Pete,
she doesn't know Keanu,

she doesn't know Noah
and she doesn't know Brad.

Yes, she does.
I've seen the scrapbook.

So have I. It's all cut-outs
from magazines,

but have you seen any real proof?

She has a Johnny Mnemonic T-shirt.

Look, I fell for it too.
I mean, who wouldn't?

Until the DiCaprio Turtles.

You mean,
Leonardo didn't make this?

Eat it. Let the sugar comfort you.

Then all the time I spent with Nana
has been a total waste.

No. You made
a dear old woman happy.

Oh, please. If I could sue, I would.

Look, why don't you just forget
about it?

How? It was just announced to
the whole class,

which means it will spread to the entire
school, which is what I wanted

when I thought
I was gonna meet Ethan.

- Libby, you're getting all red.
- I'm so humiliated.

- She's not gonna get away with this.
- What is that supposed to mean?

After school, I'm going to the senior
centre and rip Nana a new afghan.

Look, leave her alone. Why don't you
take it out on me? You love doing that.

I wanna talk to you.

Libby, what a pleasant surprise.

Sit down, Nana.
If that is your real name.

What's wrong? You seem upset.

I am upset. You said
I was going to meet Ethan Hawke.

- Well, you're not.
- So you lied to me?

Oh, that's a little harsh.
In my day, we called them tall tales.

You have no idea what you've done,
do you?

Not really.

I'm going to be teased about this
for weeks.

And then again every time a new
Ethan Hawke movie comes out.

I mean, my only hope is his career
takes a total nosedive,

which means I have to root
against him and I really cared.

- Sorry.
- Sorry is not enough.

You did a number on me.
I hope you're happy, you lying, sad,

- pathetic, old woman.
- Libby.

Libby. Libby.

I never meant to hurt you.

Ooh. She was mad.

Sabrina, you're right.
I thoroughly enjoyed my walk.

Well, a little fresh air
always does one good.

So is it just you and me
or will Libby be stopping by?

Oh, I don't think you'll see her around
here again.

She made up
with her real grandmother.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, I'll miss her.
She's such a sweet girl.

Nana, you're an excellent judge
of character.

Do you wanna catch a movie?

Sure, we'll go see
one of your friends.

I think Ethan Hawke
has a new movie out.

- He called.
- Oh, what did he say?

Asked all about you.

- Hi.
- Hey, where have you been?

Nana and I went to see the new
Ethan Hawke movie.

It's gonna be huge.

Hey, you shaved your beard.

Yeah, the upkeep was too much.

And the weirdest guys
kept coming on to me.

ZELDA: Oh, you nut.
- Who's Aunt Zelda with?

Rick. The younger man
is back in the picture.

I've gotta check this out.

Pardon me.

- Mr. Berry?
- Sabrina?

- You know each other?
- Yes, from the senior centre.

What a small world.

Sabrina is my niece.

You look too young to be her aunt.

Oh, Rick.

I'll leave you two alone.

Hey, Salem, you wanna--?
Whoa!

What happened to you?

Too much soup. Groom me.

Please, groom me.

Hey, Zelda, did you have some
of the tuna noodle casserole

I put in the fridge last night?

- No, why?
- Somebody took a big chunk out of it.

- I'd check with Salem.
- Right. Tuna.

Well, he'll regret that.

- I threw in the leftover soup.
- You didn't.

Yes. I know it has horrible side effects,
but I just hate throwing away food.

- Good morning. What? What?
- Not Salem.

[SCREAMS]