04x01 - Alex Tells the World

[bunniefuu]

OK. OK. OK.

Oh my goodness, we're back.
You're right, it's a long walk.

Yep. For some of us it was.

Excuse me! My arms are tired from
hanging on and trying to steer.

Your ears are really tiny but really cute, as well.

Oh we were stuck in that government facility.
I was afraid I would never see Waverly Place again.

I missed you.

There was definitely
a horse parade here recently.

I must have lost pounds on that walk.

Do you know how long it's going
to take me to gain that back?

Why is the Sub Station all boarded up?

Oh, gosh.
I gotta get in there.

Oh.

I want to take a bath
without somebody yelling at me,

"Hey, lady,
get out of my pool!"

Go away, government agents!

I have a soda g*n and it's
loaded with root beer!

Harper, it's us.

We escaped from the government guys.

I'm not fallin' for that.

The real Russos are too lame
to escape from anywhere.

Harper, open up.

We'd flash in there,
but we don't have our powers.

We only got back by hitching rides,

taking buses and a lot of walking.

You didn't walk at all.

You had me carry you like a camel.

Love.

Too lazy to walk?

Aw, Alex, it really is you!
Hold on, I'll let you in.

I just have to dismantle a bunch of
booby traps I set to protect myself.

Hi, guys.

Oh! It's so good to be home.

Oops. I forgot
to get rid of that one.

♪ Everything... ♪

♪ is not... ♪

♪ what it seems ♪

♪ Seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Um... I'm gonna go
check the lair.

I'm so glad you guys are safe,
but aren't you worried about

the government agents coming back for you?

Do you really think

they want anything to do with us anymore?

You guys don't even have your powers.

You're nothing
without them. Nothing.

Guys, come on! There's
something wrong with the portal.

I can't contact anyone in the Wizard World.

I've tried wiz-com,
wiz-phone, wiz-text,

and just straight up
yelling into the thing.

Hello?
Are you listening?

Nothing but a wiz-echo.

It's just a regular echo, Mason.

We don't put "wiz" in front of everything.

Look, the wiz-mergency
wiz-light is on.

This means the powers are still down.

Oh, no. The government
must have captured everyone.

This is bad. That means they
still have Professor Crumbs too.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with the officer in charge.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

We have to do something
to save the Wizard World.

Hello, officer.
Yes, I'd like to report...

That you are doing
a great job. Yep.

Keep it up.
Love ya.

Alex, what were you gonna tell them?

Not that I love them.

People don't hear it enough.

Alex, you know you can't reveal magic.

Oh, even I know that.
That's why I just make people think I'm dumb.

So if I slip up, they figure
"The kid's an idiot."

And I slip up all the time, so...

who's dumb now?

Alex, you can't call the police.

We just need to lay low for a
while, until this blows over

and do nothing.

The Wizard World is captured,
and you want us to do nothing?

Fine.
Ah!

The one time we ask the laziest
girl on Earth to do nothing,

she wants to do something.

I'm just happy she didn't ask me
to carry her up the stairs.

Dad... so, uh,
what's the plan?

Well, we're gonna take down those boards,

and we're gonna
re-open for business.

OK, are we talking in code?

N-no. It's business
as usual.

There's the code.
I got it, I got it.

Is anyone gonna help me with this?

Well, it's nice to have you guys back.

There's gotta be something I can
do to save Professor Crumbs.

For once in my life, I'm not just
satisfied flipping through a magazine.

Maybe what you need is a new magazine.

Would you like to have a look
at my Dogmopolitan?

That's it.

That's it. This would be
a huge story in a magazine.

Or newspapers, or on TV.

OK, first things first. I gotta
get my parents out of the house.

And then, I'm gonna call
a bunch of reporters over,

and expose that the government
is holding wizards.

What will that do?

The whole world will see
that wizards are people, too,

and then they'll feel sorry
that they're captured,

and force the government to let
Crumbs and the others go.

Plus, I might get my picture
in a cool magazine.

Exposing wizardry?

Isn't that a big no-no
in the Wizard World?

That would be like a werewolf

bum-scooching in public.

Mason.

See?

Ah. It feels good
to be back in business.

Yes. Yes, it does, Father.

But, oh wait. We cannot
be back in business.

We are totally out of ham.

How did that happen?

You... you guys better go
to the butcher

before we get swamped
by a bunch of ham lovers.

You know what?
You're right.

I think it's National Ham Month.

Theresa, grab some cash and we'll go.

Get it off! Get it off me!

I got it, I got it.

Careful, it takes a very steady hand

to keep the trap
from re-engaging.

It re-engaged!

Get it off of me!
I got it!

Harper.

It snapped! It snapped!
Get it off!

I thought you said you got
rid of all the booby traps.

That one isn't mine.
But it sure was fun

watching you go,
"It snapped, it snapped!"

Pretty good booby trap, huh?
I've got them rigged

all over this place to catch
any government intruders.

Max, I said
"business as usual."

And I thought that was code for "Rig
this place like there's no tomorrow."

You had better get rid
of all your booby traps

by the time we get home from ham shopping.

Welcome everyone.

I know that you're all here because I said.

Lady Gaga would be on a motorcycle

jumping over a shark t*nk,

but... OK. Um...

But that was just a front to get you here.

I have something more
important to tell you.

What could be more important than Gaga?

The government has unfairly taken

a whole population of wizards hostage.

That's right, wizards.

Wizards.

I know because I'm a wizard, too.

Alex?

Wizards?

Like, with magical powers?

No, no.

Wizards. Powers.

This is a prank, and you all fell for it.

You were like...

OK, it's time to go now.

You can all leave. Go.

No, it's true.
It's true.

And those are my brothers.
They're wizards, too.

And I'm a werewolf.

Alex, what are you doing?

I hope she doesn't tell them we have wands.

And we have wands.

If the government hadn't
turned off my powers,

I'd be able to turn that pen
you're holding into a snake.

My powers are back!

Oh, my gosh! And you all
just saw I'm a wizard.

She is a wizard!

This is amazing.
Wizardry exists!

Now, go spread the word, so that
we can save the Wizard World.

Go on! Go.

Professor Crumbs?

Did you just...

What happened with the swirling
and the reporters and...

You have gotta teach me that!

Alex Russo, you broke
the ultimate wizard rule:

You exposed magic to the world.

Or rather, attempted to.

No, no, no, no. I...

I was trying to save you.
You were trapped with all the others.

That whole secret government facility

was a creation of my fertile imagination.

What? So, you just
made all of that up?

Who does that?

The boss man does.

It was a test.
A test to see

if you were worthy of
becoming a full wizard.

You failed miserably.

A test? Wow.

This wizard training thing has
gotten a lot tougher since I did it.

So all those reporters
weren't actually here?

Mere ions from my wand.

Although I am guilty of
going gaga for Lady Gaga.

Wait. We got thrown
in jail, escaped,

struggled home for , miles,

for a wizard test?

Oh, ho. You owe me a new
pair of shoes, boss man.

Agreed.

Will these strappy sandals do?

Oh!

They're cute!

Alex, I'll see you in Wizard Court

to face the charges for exposing magic.

It's the greatest crime anyone can commit.

I tried to stop her.

Justin Russo, I'll see you
in Wizard Court as well.

Pardon me?

For exposing wizardry to Agent Lamwood.

To stop aliens from attacking the Earth.

Aliens. As if.

Professor!

What were you thinking?

Um, I think we're in the wrong place.

Nope, this is Wizard Court.

Wizards are very efficient and like to
do all their court stuff in one place.

Basketball court, tennis court.

Today at four o'clock, Wizard's Court.

It's four o'clock.

Oh, man! Why isn't there a
food court? That is a court.

Oh. It's Wizard Court already.

I guess I stretched for nothing.

We will play a rematch later.

All right.

Everybody, please take their seat.

Court is in session.

Professor Crumbs is my judge.

What was I worried about?

I've talked circles around
that guy tons of times.

May I introduce our
endless panel of judges?

Oh, yeah. That's a lot of judges
to talk circles around.

Alex and Justin Russo are charged

with exposing wizardry to the world.

Justin Russo has requested
to defend himself.

Thanks, Mom.

Alex Russo, meet your lawyer,
Mr. Loser.

Seriously? I get a lawyer
named Mr. Loser?

What's your first name?

It's Bigtime.

Bigtime Loser? Come on!

Alex, give him a chance.
He might be good.

My client would like to plead guilty.

I mean, not guilty.
I mean, double dribble. Double fault.

I'm not good at this. I quit.
I am such a loser!

Don't worry, Alex. You don't
need that bigtime loser.

I'm gonna do what you do best
and lie like crazy.

Aw, I love it when we share things.

Miss Russo, take the stand.

Yes. Yes, Your Honor.

Can I say, you look so handsome
in your little tennis get-up.

You don't look a day over years old.

I know, I look good.

Don't push it, Miss Russo.
OK.

Now, is it true that you were held
in a secret government facility?

Secret government facility?

No. No, I was never in a
secret government facility

because it never existed.

I beg to differ.

Well, I beg for table scraps.

Let's review the evidence, shall we?

Bring out the crystal replay ball.

We're gonna watch TV?

Oh, now I really wish
they had a food court.

I can't watch TV without a corn dog.

Here. I was saving it to
keep you quiet at church.

Just eat it.

Judges, I have proof that Alex Russo

was held in a jail cell
at the government facility.

Dad, I have my hidden
mini-wand in my boot.

I can get us out of here.

What do you have to say
for yourself now, Miss Russo?

That thing gets a really good picture.

I can't find my last booby trap.
Can you help me find it?

Oh, no. I don't want
any part of that.

After everything that's been going on,

all I want to do is sit and relax.

Max. Does your trap include your
clothes hamper mounted to the ceiling?

Yeah, it does. Let me know
if you see that, by the way.

Oh, that's it!

Now, listen, Harper, when you get up,

a pile of dirty clothes,
snacks I didn't finish,

bathroom floor hair and
banana peels will smother you.

It's like my own personal
avalanche of filth.

Oh, man.
What a predicament I'm in.

It's bad.
Yeah, it's...

But, you know, I have
to go to the bathroom.

Hey, why don't you sit here for a second?

Then I'll come back, and
then I'll figure this out.

Yeah.
Yeah!

I guess we can make that work.
Let's bum-scooch on three.

And then you're gonna come right bk, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna be right back.

One... two...

Three.

Ciao, man.
Nice.

That was a good bum-scooch.
OK, I'm gonna be back.

Right back.
Yeah.

Hey, yo, taxi!

Mr. Russo, if you are prepared
to defend yourself,

you may proceed.

The defense calls Justin Russo.

I'm sorry, Justin. I had
to bring you in for this.

Now I cross to the witness box
and I answer.

I understand.

Then I'm the lawyer again.

You know something, Justin?

Quite frankly, you are
the most trustworthy,

honest guy that I know.

And I find it unfathomable that
you could ever expose magic.

Now go to the witness box.
This is good. This is good!

I agree, Justin.
It is unfathomable.

Stop this!

You're driving me crazy
with this back and forth.

Duplicate yourself.
You're making me go...

Of course, sir.

Edgebono-utoosis.

Gentlemen...

of the basketball, tennis,
and Wizard Court.

I ask you,

are we certain that Justin was
the one who exposed wizardry?

Or, perhaps could it have been
someone who merely looked like him?

Or, was it someone who looked like me?

You're good.

You even got me convinced I'm innocent.

My client has admitted guilt.

What?

The crystal replay ball, please!

I'm a wizard.

And I...

rest my case.

Why are you doing this to me?

Because I'm Justin and you know
me better than anyone.

You know that I abide by truth and justice.

And I admire you for that.

Very well, I think we've heard enough.

The judges will now deliberate at length.

What's that?

You have a verdict already?

Oh, that's never good.

Judges, input your ruling.

Really?!

Please stand for sentencing.

Alex Russo, you are now demoted

from level three down to level one

in your family wizard competition.

But that's all the way
back to the beginning.

And Justin Russo, you have been demoted

from level five back to level one.

Level one?

But Max is a level three.

How are we gonna catch up to him?

It will be nearly impossible.

There was only one sibling
who passed my test

who did not expose wizardry.

And it appears most likely

that Max Russo will be
the next family wizard.

No!
Come on!

Um, excuse me, Your Honor,
Professor Crumbs.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Max can be a little...
unpredictable.

Oh, come on now.
I'm sure Max is on his way

to becoming an outstanding citizen.

Let me show the court

what this young man is all about.

Wait, why am I sitting here again?

Buried in my own avalanche of filth.

I love it.

Yeah. That's disgusting.

Wow. I can see why
you are concerned.

However, the penalty is set.

Game. Set. Match.

I'm off to tennis.

I really thought I was
gonna be the family wizard.

And I really thought
that some way, somehow,

I was gonna cheat you out
of being the family wizard.

Max. Max!

Whassup?

Look, we have something
important to tell you.

It looks like you are going
to be the family wizard.

Really? What about you guys?

We got penalized, and now you're way ahead.

Well, then, that settles it.

I'm gonna be the family wizard.

Now who wants to help me reload
the hamper so we can celebrate?

Follow me.

Come on, where are you guys going? It's really easy...

Hey, yo! Taxi!