04x17 - Wizards vs. Asteroid

[bunniefuu]

You got a new locker, Harper?

I had to, since you had mine
refrigerated for your beverages.

Oh, good, and this one can be
a freezer for my ice cream.

You're the best, Harper.
I guess it doesn't matter,

Because we graduate this week anyway.

I'm kind of excited.

You may be stuck in this corral.

A bit longer than
you think, Ms. Russo.

You do not have enough credits to graduate.

What?! But I signed up
for every class I had to,

Even the one where you sit
around all day doing nothing.

That's detention.

Which means...

You will not be graduating!

Take that, Ms. Russo!

Ah!

And to make sure there's no funny business,

I'm going to keep all of the records.

Right here in my new,
Alex-proof safe.

Some students may have to
do without desks next year,

But I still say it was money well spent.

♪ Everything... ♪

♪ is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

♪ Seems ♪

♪ Well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

This just in: NASA has been
tracking an enormous asteroid,

Hurtling through space, which has
suddenly switched directions

And is now on a collision
course with Earth.

NASA is speculating impact
as soon as this evening.

We are all in great peril.

Jerry, what is she saying?

Don't they have a plan to save us?

I hope so.

Ma, did you see me?
Did you see me on TV?

I was the one yelling, "hi,
mom," in the background.

I'm sorry I didn't say
but "hi, mom" is usually.

What those idiots
in the background always say.

Did you guys hear about the asteroid?
Yes, it's terrible!

Yeah, you would think.

Earth isn't gonna be destroyed.

We've been tracking the asteroid for years,
and according to our calculations,

It only looks like it's
gonna hit the Earth.

You see, due to the curvature of Earth's
orbit, its gravitational repulsion,

And a bunch of other stuff you
have no hope in understanding,

My calculations clearly state the
asteroid will pass by harmlessly.

Are you sure? Because that's
not what the NASA's are saying.

Yes, we're very sure.
We've done the math.

Why's that decimal point sticking out?

'Cause it's a chocolate chip.

You guys make math fun.

Zeke, we have a "no snacking while
we're asteroid tracking" rule!

Oh, no. This means
NASA was right.

It's the end of the world!

Oh, my gosh.

It's gonna be OK, honey.

Is there anything in the emergency
handbook that could help us?

Yep, it's right here in the thumb.

"In the event Earth is destroyed,
wizards and their immediate family.

Are welcome to escape through the portal and
live out their lives in the wizard world."

What about me and Zeke?

I'm not leaving Harper behind, Justin.

We don't have to. It's right
here on the back of the hand.

"Each wizard is permitted to bring.

One non-wizard with them
to safety in the wizard world."

I'm bringing my new pet starfish.

He's got a missing leg.

Don't stare at it.
He's very self conscious.

Aren't you, four-leggy?

You can come with me, Harper.

Oh, thank you! And even though
you weren't able to graduate.

From our school, maybe you can
graduate in the wizard world.

I'm sorry, Harper, did you just
say something about graduation?

Oh, Zeke can go
with Justin! Yay!

Yes! I'm going to live!

All my hopes and dreams can continue!

I'm gonna introduce
clogging to the wizard world!

Yes!

All right, does everyone have
their one allotted duffel bag.

Packed with items crucial to your
survival in the wizard world?

Yep, and I totally b*at the system,

Because I'm taking a bag of bags.

Somebody's bag smells like smoked Turkey.

Dad, you're bringing a duffel
bag full of cold cuts?

We're not going to the movies.

I paid for this meat.
I'm not gonna let some asteroid gobble it up.

Your mother's bag is full of mustard,
lettuce, tomatoes and onions.

Uh, sorry, Jerry.

I opted for the irreplaceable
photos of our children, instead!

Am I the only one with my head
screwed on straight around here?

Hey, I am bringing a TV
and a big bag of pretzels.

Nothing in my life is going to change.

OK, so clearly no one
brought anything useful.

When you need shampoo and shoelaces,
don't come crying to me.

More breaking news.

NASA has just hit the asteroid.

With their deep space
asteroid Buster m*ssile.

Unfortunately, the asteroid m*ssile
malfunctioned and has not detonated.

Oh, no!

We apologize if you said "yay"
before I could finish this update.

Earth, as we know it,
will soon cease to exist.

Well...

I mean, I guess that's it.
We have to go.

I'm gonna miss this place.

Let's go.

Really? We're just gonna
leave like this?

What are you doing?

We can't just walk out on a world of people.

Who are about to be destroyed.

Sure, they're not all people we like.

For me, Mr. Laritate
comes to mind.

And most of them don't like us.

Again, Mr. Laritate
comes to mind, but...

They are still people!
Honey...

There are some times when
your family has to come first.

Look, I promise you, when you're
a parent, you'll understand.

Yes, mija. This portal
is our only hope.

I can't believe I'm begging to go to
that freak show of a wizard world.

Well, I'm not going anywhere until I
at least try to stop the asteroid.

I mean, we have powers, people.

Let's use them.

Justin, Max, are you with me?

I'm not gonna let you get all the
credit for saving the world again.

So yes, I'm in.

I'm in too, as long as we don't
take too long, though,

'cause there is an asteroid on the way.

OK, then, it's settled.

The fate of the world is in our hands.

Well, the only thing we can do to stop the
asteroid is take a space shuttle up there,

Find the malfunctioning NASA
m*ssile, and blow it up ourselves.

Why can't you just flash up there?

Zeke, the asteroid is moving
faster than the speed of magic.

Of course!
Dumb, dumb, dumb!

OK, so where are we going
to get a space shuttle?

Why did you glance at your bag?

I don't even
know where my bag is. I didn't.

Why are you trying
to kick it under the table?

What? I didn't...
Oh, there it is!

Come on! I just got a brand-new
Captain Jim Bob Sherwood.

Country cow submarine to replace the
one we lost in Mason's stomach acid.

What? A submarine?

That's not gonna get us to space.

No, but the country cow space
shuttle conversion Kit will.

Really?

Slow motion?
We're kind of in a hurry here.

Oh, come on, it was
pretty cool though, right?

Out of my way, cattle.

No offense.

I just said that because
you're all dressed like cattle.

Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

I'm on a mission.

If the unthinkable indeed happens,

I want to make sure that I'm
surrounded by the things that I love.

Oh, are you going to be
with your parents, Mr. Laritate?

No!

I don't want to spend
my last few hours on Earth.

Listening to my mom and dad yelling at me,

"get a haircut, hippie!"

No, I'll be at school, sitting
in my beloved cowhide chair...

Until the end.

Are you OK, Mr. Laritate?

Yeah.

I'm just thinking how much I'm gonna miss.

Watching you struggle
to graduate for the second time.

Jerry, did he just say something
about Alex not graduating?

Look, our spaceship is set up!

OK... I'm not going
to say goodbye,

Because I know you're coming back.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, old friend.

You and I both know you're
not gonna make it back.

Well... We don't
have to say goodbye,

Because you're coming with!

Whoa! Your leg grew back!

Now I can finally do this.

There's a new sheriff in town.

Be careful up there.
I love you guys.

I'm really proud of you guys.

Thank you.

All right.

Here we go.

Proton, neutron, get gone.

All right, there it is.

Now all we have to do is carefully land,

Find the asteroid Buster m*ssile,
figure out why it didn't detonate,

Get it to detonate, get back
into the ship, blast off,

And get away before
the asteroid explodes. Got it?

Got it.

Now, what did you say
after "there it is?"

Um... Justin?

Why is that asteroid coming right at us?

It's not. We don't
have to worry about that.

I'm plotting a safe course
with a very safe...

It's coming right at us!

Wait, wait! We're landing!

What just happened?

The space shuttle conversion Kit
comes with autopilot.

Well, let's just say I did it.

Yeah, we're not gonna do that.

That's the story I'm going with.

All right, everyone remember,

We're hurtling through space towards
Earth at an astronomical speed.

Why, thank you, Justin.
These are helmets, not blindfolds.

All right, we have to find that m*ssile.

We might not have enough time to find
it, but we have to try our hardest.

How? There's nothing here but
rocks and upside-down rockets.

Max, that's it!

OK, OK.

All right, the m*ssile got stuck on
t-minus nine minutes and seconds.

I just have to enter the correct security
code to engage the manual override.

And set it to self destruct.

Well, can you do it?
Of course.

I just have to find the right combination
of this five digit security code.

By my calculations, there are...

One... One hundred
thousand possible ways.

Not to worry, I'll cr*ck
the code open with this.

Max!

Max, that's highly expl*sive!

Right!

Right, right.

All right, guys, there's not enough time
to try all the possible combinations.

We're doomed.
We just need to get home.

And get to the wizard world
if we still have enough time.

Wait... One, two,
three, four, five.

Alex, that'll never work.

Code correct.

Wow, even I didn't think
that was gonna work.

This m*ssile will self destruct

In nine minutes and seconds.

We gotta get out of here!

Justin, what are you doing?

I'm just taking a memento to prove
I was here when I saved the world.

Nine minutes till self destruct.

OK, we get it.
We're leaving.

That thing sounds like mom
when we're late for school.

Justin, let's go!

Oh, no, guys, I can't move!
My leg is stuck!

Help me!

Ha! I did it!
I got it out!

That is the wrong leg, you idiot!

Really? 'Cause you're the one
who stopped for a souvenir.

On a flaming asteroid!

Eight minutes
seconds till self destruct.

Jerry, I'm worried about our kids.

Do you think they'll be OK?

I believe in them, Theresa.
The only thing that worries me.

Is that they're traveling thousands
of miles an hour in a...

Toy spacecraft.

One minute seconds until self destruct.

It's useless.

We're getting closer and closer to Earth.

You guys have to leave without me.

What?! No, Justin, we're
not leaving without you!

Well, if you don't go,
then we're all gonna...

You know!

No! Bro, leaving you
is not an option.

I just wish there was some way
you could break off that leg.

And grow a new one, like my starfish did.

That's it!

Wait a minute, you can't
just turn me into a...

Animoza, Espinoza starfish!

OK, this might hurt just a little bit.

Alex, you did it!
His leg grew back!

Huminoza Espinoza!

Ow, it did hurt!
It worked!

Detonation in ten, nine, eight...

Seven, six, five...

Four, three, two, one.

Bye-bye.

I just received word from NASA.

That the asteroid buster
m*ssile worked!

The asteroid just exploded
and the world is saved!

Yes!

But... They're still
not back yet.

You don't think they...

I don't know.

Oh, no. Alex.

Hey...

What's up with all the sad faces?

That asteroid will think twice
before coming around here again.

Nice work, kids.
I was so scared for you!

I believed in you the whole time!

I even had a sandwich.

I always knew you could do it, Justin.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't, but that's in the past.

Come on, buddy!
Give me a hug! No.

Come on!
No!

Come on!
No!

Come on!
All right.

Oh, mija!

Now what is this I hear
about you not graduating?

Look, another news update!

NASA is reporting that a small
piece of the asteroid.

Will still hit Earth.
Its impact is projected to be

Somewhere in the Tribeca
neighborhood of Manhattan.

Mr. Laritate is still
at Tribeca prep.

We have to get him out of there.

I just can't stop saving people, can I?

Mr. Laritate,
are you OK?

Yes, I'm fine.

But the safe isn't!

Are the records destroyed?

Yes, all of them.

Gone in a blinding flash.

I don't know how you managed to do it,

But you've bested me again, Russo.

What? You can't really think I had
anything to do with this, Mr. Laritate.

This is the NASA's' fault.

Unfortunately, I neglected to back
up the records on a computer.

I've never trusted those
newfangled thinking machines.

Wow.

No backup of the records?

I wonder what the school board's
gonna say when they find out?

Where are you going with this, Russo?

Yeah, where are you going with this, Russo?

Oh, I think you know.

I'm just saying I don't
want you to get in trouble,

So I will help you recreate the records.

I remember having all passing grades.

And near perfect attendance.

First I get hit by
an asteroid, and now this?

I can't get a break today.

All right, Russo. Due to our
recently condemned school building,

There will be no ceremony.

So consider yourself graduated.

Congratulations.

Alex, this is so great!
We get to go to college together!

Oh... Come on, Harper.

You know we're not gonna
get into the same college.

My grades are way better than yours now.

Hey, Mr. Laritate.
What are you doing here?

I told you there'll be
no graduation ceremony.

I know, but...

My dream was to one day
have you look me in the eye.

And hand me my diploma.

And I'm getting that.

That's your dream?
Yes.

Even your dreams are underachievers.

Still, I'm touched.

OK, here are some diplomas I made for us.

Now, you're gonna call our names,
and we'll come up one by one...

Yeah, yeah, I know
how it goes, Ms. Finkle.

Oh...
Wait, wait, wait!

Harper Finkle.

Alex Russo.

I present the Tribeca Prep Class of .