02x01 - Sabrina Gets Her License: Parts 1

[bunniefuu]

ALL:
Happy birthday.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll never get this confetti
out of my hair, but thank you.

The hats were my idea.

Seventeen has gotta be better
than .

I mean, I've got a great boyfriend,
I'm not new at school,

and I've finally gotten used to
being a witch.

- I'll have the liver-and-brie omelette.
- Here's your present.

I love presents.

It's a handbook.

One of these days,
we have to talk about cool presents.

This is a study guide.

You see, when a witch turns ,
she has to take a test

to get her witch's licence.

Will I have to parallel park
my vacuum cleaner?

It doesn't work like that.

But for some reason you do
have to take an eye exam.

A quizmaster will come
in the next few days and test you.

- You only have two chances--
- Don't worry. I can handle it.

[HORN HONKS]

I've gotta run
or I'm gonna miss my bus.

Unless my other present is a car.

- Don't forget this.
- Next year, clothes, right?

She's never gonna study.

We have got to tell her
about the consequences.

You know the rules.
We've given her the book.

Now it's up to Sabrina.

I'm sorry.
I thought I asked for an omelette.

Hello.

Don't be shellfish.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[VALERIE GRUNTS]

- Can I help you?
- I can't find my locker.

I'm Valerie. This is my first day.

I'm Sabrina. I was new last year.

Don't worry.
It's a pretty friendly school.

Freak.

- So, what's your locker number?
- Um...

- Twenty-seven.
- That's right near mine. Come on.

- So where did you move from?
- Minnesota. We move a lot.

- Why'd that girl call you a freak?
- Libby?

Because she's a cheerleader,
and she has a limited vocabulary.

Oh, so you're not really odd?

No. Well, not in a way
that anyone knows about.

Good, because just once
I'd like to be in a cool crowd.

Oh, I know that makes me sound
really shallow.

I hate that about myself.
Look, just go on without me.

- I'm dragging you down.
- Here's your locker.

You're still talking to me.

Oh, Sabrina.
Just who I'm looking for.

I think you should take AP Algebra
after school.

It's a lot of work,
but you can get college credit for it.

- I think I can handle that.
- Great.

That's an interesting book.
May I see that?

Oh, it's kind of a family heirloom.
And that's why I keep it in my locker.

Oh.

- Hey, birthday girl.
- It's your birthday?

Or is that a nickname?

Harvey, this is Valerie.
Valerie, Harvey.

I love my earrings. Thanks.

My mom said you'd like them
more than a knife.

Oh, here, taste these.

I baked them for the football
bake sale tomorrow.

Tastes like...

Tell you what.
I'll bake you cookies for the sale.

Thanks.
I was hoping you'd say that.

Better get to chemistry.
See you later.

Wow, teachers like you,
you've got a cute boyfriend...

- Can I be your friend?
- We'll see.

I'm having interviews all week.

You're kidding, right? Because
that's happened to me before.

You'll be the editor this year?

Well, not in so many words.
Well, actually, it was just

that many words. He said,
"You'll be the editor this year."

- Cool.
- And when I am the editor

the school paper
is going to be different.

No freakazoid news.

I can't believe Libby's taking over
the paper too.

- You should take over the paper.
- Me?

Yeah. You'd be great and fair.

And I'm not saying that
because I want you to like me.

- Thanks.
- Do you like me?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Prayers are answered. Yeah.

Fifties, s.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, good.

Looks like our bond matured.

The one we got in ?

I knew people would say "yes"
to sanitation.

You wanna go to the Slicery?

I can't. I'm going to join
the newspaper staff.

I thought you were swamped
with work.

I am, but I can handle it.
And this has the added bonus

of driving Libby insane.
I'll call you later.

Okay, but you haven't forgotten
the dance on Friday, have you?

The big event
honouring all the football players

that everyone's been talking about
for weeks?

I remember it.

But I forgot your name.

[GIRLS SNICKERING]

Looking for the loser convention?

I am. And look:

I found it.

Hi. Hi, I'm Valerie.

Ew, they're multiplying.

I feel good about myself.
I feel good about myself.

- I feel good about myself.
- Don't panic.

When Mr. Kraft gets here
we'll clean house.

Greetings, newshounds.
Welcome to the Westbridge Lantern.

I think there's been a mistake.

Mr. Kraft is the faculty advisor
of this club.

Not anymore.

After years, he's grown to loathe
and detest the paper.

Hi, Sabrina.

Now, this year, the editorial position
is not going to be a popularity contest.

- What?
- Everyone who is interested

can submit an editorial by tomorrow.

This is amazing.

And I didn't even use magic.

Magic?

Yeah. That's Westbridge slang
for curse words.

I hate being new.

SABRINA:
Great cake.

Piece number five
might've been a mistake.

Do I have any frosting on my face?

Well, a birthday should be
a time for fun.

Did you get a chance
to study the handbook?

Not really. Oh, man. Study.
I've got a history test tomorrow.

Sabrina, remember:
The handbook is also important.

Did our parents go through
this t*rture?

Not with me.
I memorized the whole book.

[MOUTHS]
I memorized the whole book.

- Get rid of them.
- What?

The goody two-shoes.

Oops.

Sabrina, yo!

I was just resting my eyes.

Don't you think
you're overextending yourself?

No.

Okay. My editorial's done.

Time for history.

I'm so handling things.

"Patrick Henry gave an impassioned
speech in Williamsburg,

where he proclaimed,
'Give me liberty or give me death.""

Actually, he was gonna say,

"Give me liberty
or give me some other option."

I told him I thought
it needed more punch.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Hi, Harvey.

Oh, hi, Harvey. I'm sorry.
I know I was supposed to call you.

Now, tell me
if you don't think this is deep:

When you assume something,
you make a...

sh**t. I knew I should have
written it down.

If you...

sh**t. Maybe it wasn't "assume."

Sabrina? Sabrina?

Sabrina?

--degrees here
at downtown Westbridge.

Let us greet the day
with The Brothers Chunk.

Ow!

- Who are you?
- I'm your quizmaster.

Please, don't hit.

- Is it time for the test?
- Are you kidding?

You are not ready.
This is a warning.

You haven't cracked this hand.
I mean, not even the knuckles.

Hey. I like that one.

Okay, you've made your point.
I'll study.

- And stop hitting.
- When will I have the actual test?

When you least expect it.

Ohh, I hope I can handle this.

Man, I did lousy on that history test.

I know. I got so frustrated in there,
I almost used magic.

What?

- Curse words, right?
- Oh, right.

Look, Val, I gotta run.
I gotta meet Harvey for lunch.

- Okay. Bye.
- See you.

Oh, no. What are you doing here,
quizmaster?

Well, have you been studying,
Sabrina?

- The test is coming, you know.
- I know. Look, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Oh, I can fix that.

Can you stop time, Sabrina?
Page .

Okay, I'll look it up.

Well, how about speeding time up?

Page .

Okay. I've been warned.

Oh, great. Now you sped up time,
and now I'm late.

- Hi, Harvey. Eating alone?
- No, he's not.

Sorry.
Time kind of got away from me.

I wanted to talk to you
about tux colours.

Can I finish your sandwich?

I can't decide between powder blue
and maroon.

Let me have everyone's attention,
please.

Great. Mr. School-Spirit.

Some of you freshmen
have not met me yet.

I am Vice Principal Kraft.

Just like the cheese.

BOY [COUGHS]:
Loser.

And I heard that.

Now, I am happy to announce
that the pep club has decided

to decorate the dance this Friday with
posters honouring each football player.

- Wow, Harvey, your own poster.
- And that's not all.

These posters will be made
by each player's girlfriend.

So, gals, get busy.

That's ridiculous.

Ooh, let's just hope you have
Tourette's, little missy.

Just because a girl's dating
a football player

doesn't mean she has time
to do artwork for him on demand.

Yeah, well, you see,
we're just talking about

sprucing up the dance,
not taking back the vote.

I think posters are a brilliant idea.

Well, thank you, Libby.

And thank your father
for that box of steaks.

You understand what I mean,
don't you?

I'd feel like your sl*ve.

No, I understand. It's a stupid idea.

- Who needs a poster?
- Right.

So now, what were you saying
about tuxedos?

Oh, I need help deciding--

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Sorry. We'll talk later.

Oh, well. Maybe one day you'll have
a girlfriend who cares about you.

Oh, no.

Sabrina forgot this again.
I know we're not allowed to tell her

what will happen if she fails,
but how about I just zap it to her?

- Hey.
- It's Sabrina's responsibility.

We're not allowed to meddle.

All right.

You know, it's weird.

I keep counting this,
and I keep coming up short.

Really?

[IN JAPANESE]

SALEM:
Oh, please, please. Oh, please.

- Hey.
- Hi. I don't have time to talk.

I've gotta get to my AP Algebra
after-school-lecture, credit,

college-prep thing.

Well, okay,
but can I have the cookies?

What cookies?

The cookies you said you'd bake
for the sale.

- It's starting in five minutes.
- Right. Wait here.

Whoa.

If you wish to run, Miss Spellman,

the girl's track-and-field team
meets after school.

In the hallway, we walk.

Yes, sir.

And, Miss Spellman, I would--

Well, where did those come from?

Bakery?

No, I just bumped into you
five seconds ago.

You did not have any cookies.

Yes, I did.

[STAMMERS]

If I weren't on antihistamines,
I'd look into this.

- Oh, no. Now?
- Are you ready?

Put those back. I conjured those.

Oh, just reverse my spell.

- I don't know how.
- It's on page .

You know,
you really should try studying.

Toodles.

I have to go.
Where are the cookies?

Robbery? I'm sorry, I forgot.
I was really busy.

You know, Sabrina,
you're always busy these days.

It's like you don't have time
to be my girlfriend.

That's not true. I've just had other
really important stuff to do.

- So I'm not important.
- I didn't say that.

Let's just forget about the dance.
I'm sure you're too busy anyway.

Hilda, I've been thinking about what
we should do with the bond money.

I think we should invest it.

Oh, no. You promised
this would be fun money.

Really? Doesn't sound like me.

I don't wanna be practical.

Come on, Zeldy.
Imagine your wildest dream.

Okay.

Another T-bill, please.

No, no, no. Here, I'll show you
how to daydream.

- Is that Erik Estrada?
- Yeah. I loved him in CHiPs.

Oh, but you have to see him
in Dos Mujeres, Un Camino.

But you can't buy Erik Estrada.

No. But maybe you can lure him

with this ' Thunderbird convertible.

- Now try again.
- All right.

Much better.

Ugh.

Sorry. I really like investing.

We are not blowing centuries
of interest on more interest.

SALEM:
At least let me lick your hands.

Sabrina?

You were a little unfocused today.

- Was I?
- Yeah.

You see, six times seven is ,
not .

Sorry.

Man, do I need a cupcake.

Maybe it's because I went generic,
I don't know.

Darn HMO.
Who's supposed to read this?

Hi. Got a minute?

Actually, I'm in the middle
of something important.

Here's your yummy doodles.

Well, whenever you wanna talk,
I'm ready.

Trouble with the little lady?

How about we buy stocks?
That's exciting. It's just like gambling.

No one talk to me.
I have to call Harvey.

We're obviously never going to agree,
so how about we flip for it?

Winner takes all.

Deal.

My head, I win.
Your head, you lose.

Yeah, like I'm gonna fall
for that old trick.

Again.

[YELLS]

What's going on?

His father said Harvey's still not home.
Why won't he talk to me?

Maybe because he's still not home.

Besides, don't you have other
more important things to worry about?

- You rang?
- Great. The stressmaster.

You know, the other kids I quiz
give me stuff.

How about molecular transference,
Sabrina?

Can you do that?

I'd bone up if I were you.

Oh, and remember.

Fudge is a nice way to say, "I care."

You got a cute one.

He's right. I'm not ready.
I don't know molecular transference.

Sure, you do.

You know how to zap yourself
from one place to another.

Yeah. Go ahead.
Put yourself behind the counter.

[SOUND OF ENGINE STALLING]

You're thinking about too much.
Clear your mind. Try again.

[SOUND OF ENGINE STALLING]

Oh, dear.

You've shorted your finger.

- Too much stress.
- Rats.

[METAL CLANGS]

- Ha! Well, look at that. I won.
- Rats.

Okay.

A panel of teachers read
everyone's editorials, and--

We all like Libby's.

Well, all the teachers thought
Libby's was really good.

- All right.
- But not quite as interesting

as Sabrina's.

Sabrina, you are the new editor
of the Westbridge Lantern.

Thanks. I can handle this.

I think.

That's just wrong.

You're the editor.
I'm the editor's friend.

There is no way this can't be cool.

Talk to you later.

What's all that?

Newspaper stuff.

- I'm editor. I know it's more work, but--
- No. It's great.

Lots of famous people were editors
of their school newspaper.

Really? Like who?

Charlemagne?

- Sabrina--
- I know.

- Let's never fight again.
- Okay. And I've been thinking

I'd like to make you a poster
for the dance.

Doesn't that sort of go against
everything you believe in?

Yeah, but big deal.

- Do you have the time?
- Sure.

- Thanks.
- And I bet if the girls in science club

got their boyfriends to make them
posters, you'd make one for me, right?

You bet.

They're not, are they?

I didn't mean that about the dance.
I really want you to come.

- I'd love to.
- Great.

You haven't ordered that
powder-blue tux yet, have you?

There. Poster's done.

- What do you think?
- It's gorgeous.

If you're into gushy.

Okay.
Now time to study the handbook.

I think I'll start with
molecular transference.

Howdy.

- Look, I'm studying.
- Oh, great.

- It's time.
- But I'm not ready.

Hmm. Nope. I don't care.

Okay. Ahem.

Sabrina Spellman,
are you ready to be tested?

I told you, no.

Too bad.

Sabrina Spellman, here is your quiz:

Train A left Sturbridge at : .
Train B left Boston at : .

What time will they meet
in Westbridge?

I can do this.
Okay, what speed are they going?

I believe this is your test.

I know how to find the speed.

Molecular transference.

Come through,
and there's a new ring in your future.

Yes. Excuse me.
Seventy-five miles per hour.

Thank you.

[ENGINEER GASPS]

Who are you?

I'm a dream.

You're dreaming that someone
came for the speed--

Sixty-two miles per hour.
--got the speed, and left.

I hate these night runs.

Got it. The trains should meet
in Westbridge at : a.m.

Right. Unfortunately, there's only
one track in Westbridge.

And it's already : .

Uh-oh.

I know. I'll just divert them. Um...

Trains are big
And they are leaded

Move them away
From where they're headed

[HORNS BLARING]

- I did it.
- Excellent. Except...

- Except what?
- Except when things are diverted

they have to go somewhere.

[HORN BLARING]

[QUIZMASTER COUGHING]

Oops.

You have to remember
that all magic has consequences.

And you have to think about
the consequences before you act.

So I got it wrong?

Ooh, people are gonna write country
music about how wrong you got it.

Let me guess.
You failed your first try?

- I'll get it next time.
- I'm sure you will.

But, unfortunately, there's a penalty.

No dessert?

Witch camp? What's witch camp?

HILDA:
It's like military school.

If military school were run
by really strict, sadistic witches.

It'll be okay.
We'll pick you up in two days.

Two days?
But I'll miss Harvey's dance.

But you'll learn to k*ll
and cook your own food.