02x03 - Dummy for Love

[bunniefuu]

Ugh. That one's yours.

Sorry, waffles is my limit.

And that's something I really didn't
wanna know about myself.

Let me guess.
A tribute to Belgium?

We're trying to win
the great waffle sweepstakes.

Inside one of these specially marked
boxes of waffles

is a genuine, solid-gold waffle.

Some parts of Canada
not eligible.

Oh, good.
I thought you were just wasting time.

When you're finished with the toaster,
would you send this

to the Other Realm for me?

Oh, man. You got called for
witches' council duty?

Yeah, and I have to send in
a postponement letter.

I'm just too busy with my chemistry.

I don't have to do
witches' duty anymore.

And that's just one of
the perks of being a felon.

Please don't forget to send it.

- What do we look like to you, morons?
SALEM: Get the camera.

- I promise. I'll send it.
- Thanks.

Oh, by the way,

did you happen to think
that the solid-gold waffle

might be in the heavy box?

[IMITATES MAE WEST] Why don't
you come up and see me sometime?

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
But call first.

Look at him, Sabrina.
Kirk. Isn't he beautiful?

And it's all on the outside,
where it matters.

Hey. You're on the football team
with Kirk.

Tell me everything about him.

- Think he gets athlete's foot a lot.
- Carry me over, sweet Jehovah.

You okay? You seem kind of down.

I just found out that Joseph Stalin
was a bad guy.

Yeah, the whole school's
taking it really hard.

No. It means I flunked
my European History exam.

Didn't have time to study
now that coach

added an extra hour
to football practise.

If you talked to him,
he'd let you out early.

I did talk to him.

Coach said, "Anybody can read,
but you can't teach speed."

Ridiculous.

But I guess that makes
sense coming from a guy

who wears a weight belt
to lunch.

SALEM:
What you writing?

An editorial for school

about how too much emphasis
is placed on sports

and not enough on
intellectual achievements.

- Seriously, what are you writing?
- Hey.

- Careful. Tree in the kitchen.
- Thanks.

Must have spilled some bark extract

when I was making a spell
for that guy I dated.

- Randy?
- Yeah. Oh!

I hope it made him a better listener.

[SOBBING]

ZELDA:
Hilda!

You forgot to mail
my postponement letter.

I have witches' council duty
starting tomorrow.

Oops.

ZELDA:
I can't believe this.

I was this close to
finding a cure for acne,

and now there's no hope
for the oily.

HILDA:
Why don't you just take the notice

and throw it away
and say you never got it?

- I've heard witches do it all the time.
- Because it's wrong.

And I don't wanna set
a bad example for Sabrina.

Don't worry.
Watching you throw away a letter

is not gonna make me
knock over a liquor store.

I mean, I definitely will serve.
I want to serve.

- It's just that now is not a good time.
- Attagirl.

Why couldn't I have been
an only child?

What's going on here?

Don't bother looking
for your editorial.

I took it out.

It was totally offensive
to cheerleaders.

You can't do that.
Valerie's the editor.

Wrong. I am.

Why is Libby saying
she's the editor?

Because I kind of let her
be editor for a week

in exchange for
introducing me to Kirk.

That makes sense. They do that
all the time at the Washington Post.

I know it was a stupid idea,

but I really think this is the guy
I'm supposed to marry.

- Well, did you at least meet him?
- Not exactly.

Libby pushed his face into the
fountain, then blamed me for it.

He seemed more wet than smitten.

The printer's on my way home.
I could take that if you want.

Gee, thanks.

Much better.

Sabrina.

- I really liked your editorial.
- Thanks. You were my inspiration.

I know.
I just hope coach doesn't find out.

Oh, well. Blocking-sled drill isn't so bad
once you go numb.

There you are.

Hi, Libby. Thanks for putting
my editorial in the paper.

I didn't. You must have.

And you also must have doctored
this ridiculous photo of me.

- I don't even like pie!
- Everybody likes pie.

How can you win a pie-eating contest
if you don't like pie?

[LIBBY GRUNTS]

Sabrina, you have to write a retraction
to your editorial.

What? But it's an opinion.
You can't retract an opinion.

Oh, you can, and you will.

The biggest donations to this school
come from high school sports,

and I will not let that go away
because of some teenage Gandhi.

I think it would be wrong
for me to do that.

Look, I am in charge here.

And in order to maintain a free press,
you will write whatever I tell you to.

I was sticking up for my boyfriend.

He failed an exam because the coach
wouldn't let him study.

- Your boyfriend's name is Harvey?
- Uh, no.

[COUGHING]

Excuse me, I'm choking.

Sabrina causing trouble again?

Oh, I have seen her type
a million times.

- The individual.
- Keep your eye on her, Mr. Kraft.

There's something weird
about that girl.

You're a good American, Libby.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
You best take cover.

Me and this tree here
have some business to tend to.

Shouldn't we call a professional?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Just a suggestion.

Doorbell.

Mr. Kraft, what are you
doing at my house?

Well, surprise is
a vice principal's only friend.

Hello. May I help you?

Well, I certainly hope so.
I'm Willard Kraft.

I'm the vice principal
of Westbridge High.

SALEM [COUGHS]:
Loser.

I'm Sabrina's aunt.
Is there some sort of problem?

Well, Sabrina has written
a very offensive editorial,

and I think it best that
she write a retraction to it.

But it's an opinion.
You can't retract an opinion.

That's what she said. I mean,
what is this place, some kind of cult?

[CHAIN SAW WHIRRING]

And what is going on in there?

We just have
a really loud icemaker.

Oh. Hi. I was just--

"The holy city which is your face,
your little cheeks the streets of smiles."

E.E. Cummings.

- Who are you?
- Willard Kraft, vice principal.

Hilda Spellman. Not interested.

You know, I've never
seen anything like this before.

- It's called a tree.
- Right.

I'm glad our niece is being taught
by someone so worldly.

You know, once you get this out
of here, the floor's gonna be a mess.

I'd be happy to give you some tips
on refinishing, you know, over coffee.

- Or maybe dinner and dancing?
- No.

[CHAIN SAW WHIRRING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I know my mother says
I'm too dramatic,

but this time I'm serious.

If I don't talk to Kirk soon, I will not
be able to take in another breath.

Don't you quit on me, Val!

Oh, come on,
it was a little funny.

There's gotta be something
in here that could help Val.

Aha.

Perfect. Cupid.

Love is beautiful, love is alive
Send me Cupid for just $ .

You're Cupid?
You don't look like Cupid.

Gee, never heard that one before.

I want you to make him
attracted to her.

$ . .

Let's see here.

- Hey, you just touched my butt.
- I didn't, I swear.

Yes, you did.
You just touched my butt.

If he's gonna fall in love with him,
I want my money back.

Wait. Just wait.

- Hi. What's your name?
- I...

I can't remember.

You'll never guess who
just asked me out. Kirk.

- Should I still guess?
- I'm so excited, I can't eat.

I can't even sit down.
I think I'm gonna throw up.

- Hey.
- Oh...

What's wrong?

Coach was a little hard on me
in practise yesterday.

He didn't like your editorial
very much.

Oh, no. He found out
I was your girlfriend?

And I bet I know how.

- Maybe I should just write a retraction.
- No.

It would be wrong for you
to write something you don't believe in.

No matter how it affects my spine.

Sabrina.

Here's your next assignment
for the paper.

Mr. Kraft says you're not allowed
to write editorials anymore.

I have to write an article
on lunch menus?

No, you just have to transcribe
the menus.

Can you handle that?

[SQUEALS]

KRAFT:
Sabrina.

I don't even like pie!

You filled Libby's locker
with pies, didn't you?

Libby's locker? Pies? Me?

You. And I think this warrants
a little time in detention.

- Oh, but that's not fair.
- Oh, Sabrina.

And that would really
upset my aunt Hilda,

who likes you so very much.

Really? Why, I didn't
get that impression.

Oh. She's just shy.
Doesn't get out much.

Interesting. Yeah.

That business about the detention?

Now, that does not
have to happen this year.

All right. Thanks, Mr. Kraft.

Still catnip to the ladies.

Please? Please? Please?
Please go out with Mr. Kraft!

No. He's a goofball.
Now leave me alone.

- He's nice to me when you like him.
- When have I ever liked him?

Well, you did, kind of, today.
But to change the subject,

- I think he's suspicious of my magic.
- Then don't do magic at school.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm reading a
very important George Clooney article.

- Please! Please, please!
- No!

- Please?
- No!

SABRINA: Come on.
HILDA: No.

Please! Please! Please!
Please! Please! Please!

Never!

Okay, we'll talk about it later.

[PHONE RINGING]

Phone.

- Hello.
- Hi, may I speak with Hilda, please?

One moment, please.
Salem, what am I gonna do?

It's Mr. Kraft calling for Aunt Hilda.

Start speaking in Spanish
and hang up.

[IN HILDA'S VOICE]
Hello.

Hi, Hilda.

This is Willard Kraft.

I was wondering if you'd like
to have dinner on Saturday night.

Why, I'd love to, Willard.

That was amazing. Now do Nixon.

SABRINA: Love is beautiful
It's never corrupt

Send me the $ Cupid
Unless the rates have gone up

I chafe.

Look, I need you to make my aunt

temporarily attracted
to my vice principal.

No problem. First, of course,

I'm going to need your aunt
to sign a release form.

I didn't have to do that last time.

That's because we were dealing
with a minor. Minors don't sue.

Oh, I should say rarely.

But doesn't a release form

sort of eliminate
the element of surprise?

Yes, I'm sorry,
but people never used to sue.

Now the slightest
little thing and, boom,

I got the nice diaper on
and I'm standing in front of a judge.

Sorry, then I guess
I just can't do it.

Well, if you change your mind,
here's my card.

I also do catering.

Salem, what am I gonna do?

I have to get Aunt Hilda out
on that date tonight.

I could go instead of Hilda.

You know me.
Any excuse to wear taffeta.

There's gotta be something in here.
What's this?

"How to make your friend
act like a dummy. Great for parties."

Oh, I know that spell.
The Charlie McCarthy.

They still have their motor skills,
but you have to talk for them.

That's perfect. I'll sneak along
on the date and talk for Aunt Hilda.

Will you distract Zelda
while I put the spell on Hilda?

Hey, is a dog dumber than a hammer?
That's a yes.

I've been meaning
to talk to her anyway.

What is it, Salem?

I don't wanna be late
for the witches' council.

Ahem. Now that you're on
the witches' council,

I thought I'd show you
a different side of Salem.

I can't get your sentence reduced.

No longer the world-domination
Salem of the past,

but a more charitable Salem.
Shirt-off-your-back Salem.

That's kind of his nickname
down at the shelter.

Salem, how do you know
Mother Teresa?

Fundraiser.

- Bye, Sabrina.
- Wait. Where are you going?

- The gym.
- But you can't!

I mean, you don't need to go
to the gym. With that body?

I don't go for my body.
I go to flirt with that cute juice boy.

- Wait! Aunt Hilda!
- What?

- It's so awful.
- What's so awful?

Uh...

Being a teenager!

[SABRINA SOBBING]

You and Albert Schweitzer.
You and Desmond Tutu.

Salem, these are obviously
doctored photos.

It hurts me that you would...

I can't keep it up.
I don't know those guys.

They wouldn't return my calls.

[SALEM CRYING]

I just don't wanna be a cat anymore.

Oh, don't cry. Your fur will mat.

[SOBBING]

Okay. I'll put in a good word
at the witches' council for you.

- You will?
- Sure.

What's this? You and Shari Lewis?

Uh, ahem. That's actually from
my personal collection.

There, there.

[SABRINA SOBBING]

Be a dummy, be a fool, switch off
Your brain, so please don't drool

Let me give this a try.
My name is Hilda.

Let me give this a try.
My name is Hilda.

- Cool.
- Cool.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Oh. Hilda, you look beautiful tonight.
- Thanks.

- You look totally hot.
- Really?

- These are for you.
- Thanks. Let's go.

Okay.

You were awfully quiet in the car.

Hi. Whew!
I mean, what a great place.

Yeah, it's my favourite.

- There's a booth.
- Cool.

WAITRESS:
What'll it be?

Sweetie, you're gonna
have to order something.

I'll have iced tea
and the cowboy special.

--from Indiana, and my father--

I'll have an iced tea
and a cowboy special.

Fine. Well, the waitress
should be here shortly.

The special? That's a lot of meat.
Comes with four kinds of beans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm real hungry.

- My father was a bricklayer, so--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm real hungry.

Okay. Miss?

So I haven't spoken to my ex-wife
or my brother since.

You know, this is my first real date
since the divorce.

Although the free time
has been good for me now.

I've been able to spend some
real quality time with my grandma.

I told you that I'm living with her,
didn't I?

Yeah, you grossed me out
with that earlier.

Enough about me.
Tell me about yourself.

Not much to tell. I play the violin.

I want you to stop being mean
to Sabrina.

I haven't been mean to Sabrina.

[MOUTHING] Have so.
You've been mean to Harvey too.

Have so. You've been mean
to Harvey too.

Now, I don't know what
she's been telling you--

Just promise to quit it.

I promise.

Woo-hoo.

Kind of pushy, aren't you?
I think I like that.

Sabrina! I'm so glad you're here!
What are you doing here?

Look, you can tell me later.

I'm on my date with Kirk,
and I can't go through with it.

- You're here with Kirk?
- I don't know a Kirk.

I peaked.
I was so excited about my date

that I got ready too early.
About six hours too early.

Now my hair and my makeup,
it's all going downhill.

- You have not peaked.
- You have not peaked.

Really? You mean that?

- Yeah, you look totally beautiful.
- Your hair looks great.

And that is a totally cool outfit.

Really? You don't think it makes me
look a little too hippy?

- Thanks, I needed that.
- Oh, come here.

- What's on my face, an eyelash?
- Yeah, come here.

- How's this?
- No, closer.

- You are feisty, and I like that.
- Make a wish.

Okey-dokey.

[SCREAMS]

Too much garlic?

[YELLS]

KRAFT:
Oh! Oh! Oh, no. Oh! Whoa!

[BOTH SCREAM]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Save your breath.
Come on, young lady.

You taking me to
the witches' council?

No, I'm taking you
to your Aunt Zelda.

She's much better
at punishing than me.

Oh, Sabrina, how could you
put a spell on Hilda?

I think when you threw away
that juror letter,

it did have a bad effect on me.

I'm sorry. It was incredibly stupid.

Hey, can my punishment be
that I had to eat pounds of steak?

Witches' council resumes
in ten minutes.

You know, putting a spell
on a guardian is very dangerous.

It leaves us unable to protect you.
What if there was an emergency?

Why are you wearing
that awful dress?

You don't understand. It was the only
way I could save Harvey from Kraft.

Oh, so you were doing this
to save Harvey?

- Right.
- Is that the only person

you were trying to save?

- Yes.
- So it was a totally selfless act?

- Okay.
- Let's see if you're telling the truth.

Sabrina, if you're telling the truth,
you'll be able to stay inside the circle.

Looking good.
I'm staying in the circle.

But that's not all.
You have to stay inside the circle

while wrestling your conscience.

- That's my conscience?
- Apparently.

[SUMO WRESTLER GRUNTING]

Okay, I may have been trying to
save myself just a little.

Hey! I confessed!
Wait! I'm not in the circle!

Why can't my conscience
speak English?

So how'd your date go with Kirk?
Do I get to be maid of honour?

Not yet. I mean, Kirk's really cute,
and he's totally popular,

which, by association, would make me
slightly more popular,

but he only talked about engines.

Could it be I'm not so shallow
after all?

- Let's hope it's just a phase.
- Let's.

There is something very, very strange
about you and your entire family,

and I'm going to keep my eye
on you.

Sabrina. You wanna go to the Slicery
after school today?

I'd love to, but I can't. I'm grounded.

Don't move.
I got a perfect shot at an oriole.

- I hope you've learned your lesson.
- If I say I have, will you dig me up?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

- Oh. It's raining. We should go in.
SALEM: I am out of here.

What about me?

Thanks. Exactly what I need.
A lightning rod.

I'm sorry. You can't pay me
in anchovies.

- And you won't take a cheque.
- Look, I have to be honest with you.

It's more than that.
It's against my principles.

Is it because I'm a cat
and she's a woman?

No, it's because you're a cat
and she's Shari Lewis.

I can make her so happy.

Besides, she's gotta be tired
of that whiny lamb.

- Not even a lamb. It's a sock.
- You sicken me.

Get a real job. And some pants.