02x20 - My Nightmare, the Car

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, Aunt Zelda.
- Good morning, Sabrina.

That's an interesting
take on pyjamas.

By the way, can I borrow
your blue sweater?

Oh, no, honey. You're just not
responsible with my clothes.

Remember what happened when
you borrowed my red blouse?

Who knew silk was so flammable?

Responsible behaviour is taking
care of the things you use.

If I didn't take good care of
my mountain-climbing equipment,

I could really hurt myself out there.

Hey, you're back. How was Everest?

Oh, a little crowded, but I had fun.

- Responsible fun.
- Did Salem enjoy it?

Zelda? Zelda?

Is that a yeti?

I fought the law and the law won.

Quick rehearsal. First, you compliment
him on his sweater vest.

And then you ask him
if he's lost weight.

What are you guys doing?

Oh, we're gonna ask Mr. Kraft
for his permission and some money

to attend a journalism
symposium in New York.

Well, he's in a good mood.

He was smiling when he
filled out this detention slip.

- Mr. Kraft? We were wondering--
- No.

We've got him
right where we want him.

- Mr. Kraft looked really cute today--
- No.

You two are more alike
than you think.

Sabrina, I am not going out
with Willard Kraft again.

Know what we did on our last date?

We toured an accordion factory.

But you guys have
so much in common.

I mean, you could talk about
literature, art,

why Valerie and I should be allowed
to attend this journalism symposium.

No. Just the thought of his lips
in the same building as mine

makes my blood run cold.

That's just what Bacall
said about Bogie.

It's from the Other Realm
Revenue Service.

Mm, let me see.

They're auditing our magic.

You know, bureaucracy makes the
Other Realm seem less enchanting.

This is just a formality.

See, in the mortal realm,

witches are allotted
a specific amount of magic.

They were pretty lenient
until the Pompeii incident.

Some witch with a lava fetish
really messed up.

Auditors check up
on you now and again

to make sure that everything's
under control.

But we have nothing to worry about.
I'll just summon our accountant.

Marty?

Zelda, Hilda. What's up?

It really bothers me that
I don't find this weird.

Are we interrupting anything?

No. Just celebrating
our receptionist's birthday.

Would you like some cake?

- Sabrina?
- It's Valerie.

Hey. I've got big news.

Tell me. Oh, but upstairs.

[KNOCKING]

Is that filing cabinet tapping?

Yeah, Val. There's a guy in there.

Marty.

The Other Realm
is auditing our magic.

An audit? That's what I live for.

Here's your return from last year.

Give it a look-see.

[CORK POPPING]

Oh. Time for the conga line.

Don't worry.
I'll make sure everything's in order.

We'll be in touch.

MARTY: Marge, stop twirling
your blouse around

and get off the copy machine.

Your grandmother wants to
sell you her car?

Isn't it amazing? I mean,
it's not fancy or anything.

Like, there's no air conditioning
or tape player or radio or heat.

And the windows don't open.
And it smells like lilacs.

But, hey, it's a car.

It's your first set of wheels.
It's so fantastic.

I know. There's just one
small problem. I can't afford it.

- Granny's trying to gouge you?
- But I have a plan.

Okay, suppose you and I
pool our savings and buy it together.

- We'll share it.
- What a great idea.

Do you what this means?

Our lives are about to change
in an utter and profound way.

It'll be you, me and the open road.

Free to go wherever
the spirit moves us.

Except left,
because that blinker's broken.

Well, I don't know.

Owning a car is a big responsibility.

We've budgeted for
maintenance and insurance.

And worked out a way
to share it equitably.

See, I get the car every Monday,
Wednesday and Friday

from to and from to : .

Except for every third Wednesday

when Val needs the car
at : instead of : .

See, and I get it every Sunday,
Tuesday and Thursday

from : to and from to ,

except on the second
Tuesday in November

and the fourth Tuesday
in January,

I don't have to return it until : .

And on Saturdays, I get the car until ,
Val gets it until

and then we alternate
every hour until midnight.

I'm getting dizzy.

But you two do seem on top of it.

All we have to do
is figure out leap year.

I guess it's okay with us.

VALERIE: Yes.
- All right.

Okay, so according to the schedule,
the car is mine tonight?

VALERIE:
Yep.

Hey, can I borrow it?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

I can't believe I wanted to share
a car with someone whose motto is:

"I paid for these bumpers,
I'll use them."

Well, at least I don't use
fast-food wrappers as seat covers.

- Hey.
- Do you look for tow-away zones?

What's it like to
lose a car three times

in the same parking lot
on the same day?

[WHISTLES]

ZELDA:
Enough.

You two are too old
to be fighting like this.

Though I bet Sabrina
could have taken her.

I was right. You're not responsible
enough to handle a car.

I think you should ask Valerie
to give your share back.

Fine. I'll buy my own car.

No. You may not have a car.

Really?

Not today, not ever.

It's all Valerie's fault.

I could have handled that car alone.

Refresh my memory.

Was it Valerie who locked me
in the glove compartment?

Hey, nobody likes a back-seat cat.

I never understood why you
didn't buy your own car.

Let's see. There's the fact
that I have virtually no money,

my profound lack of cash

and, oh, yeah, I'm broke.

Well, not here. In the Other Realm.

Over there, cars go for peanuts.

Really? How come?

Cars became more of a novelty item
once witches realised they could fly.

If my aunts ask where I went,
tell them I'm being very responsible

doing something
responsible people do.

Avoiding hot dogs at the track?

Well, I'm sure you'll see our magic
is completely in order.

Thank you for being
so accommodating.

I've never understood it, but some
people just don't enjoy being audited.

Is that right?

Well, we'll summon our accountant

and then you'll be on your way
in no time.

- Marty?
- Marty, it's time for our audit.

Well, that's odd.

Zelda, he's not here.

What's this?

"Dear Zelda and Hilda,

don't take this the wrong way,

but I've run off with
all your magic savings."

Oh, no.

"Someday you'll forgive me,

until then, could you water my plants?
Marty."

This can't be true.

Excuse me.

Another piña colada, por favor.

There must be some mistake.

I'll check the rest of the house--

Not so fast, blondie.

Anything I can help you with,
ma'am?

Quizmaster?
What are you doing here?

Sabrina.

I work here part-time.

Quizmastering may be my life's work,
but it doesn't exactly pay the rent.

Not with the money
you spend on clothes.

Well, I'd like to buy a car,
but I'm pretty sure I can't afford one.

Well, can you afford
a $ down payment

and a buck a month?

If I budget.

Then you can drive home
in this baby.

- Get out.
- Come on.

Let's take it for a spin.

You can see how it drives
and I can pick up my dry cleaning.

Buckle up.

Woo.

SABRINA:
Woo-hoo!

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Mr. Pike,
report to the service desk.

Mr. Pike, please report
to the service desk.

So, what do you think?

This car handles like a dream.

I mean, did you see the way I swerved
to miss that baby carriage?

The last thing I saw
was that school bus.

I want this car.

There's just one last thing
we need to go over.

Now, owning a car is
a big responsibility, Sabrina.

Are you sure you can handle it?

Yes. Jeez, you sound like my aunts.

Everything okay here, miss?

This is my boss.

Responsibility, schmonsibility.

A car like this is all about fun.

Top down, wind in your hair--

Okay. You can save the pitch, okay?

I've got a picture of Lincoln
that's burning a hole in my pocket.

- I'm buying this car.
- You've made a wise decision.

Nothing makes driving
more enjoyable than a car.

Now, you have to be very careful
when taking this car out.

Because accidents, they do happen.

I don't need another
responsibility lecture.

Oh, this isn't a lecture.

I also sell insurance.

So did you go for the Mack truck
like I told you to?

Nothing commands respect
like wheels and girlie mud flaps.

I picked out the cutest little car.

Dual exhaust, ragtop, Connolly hide,
which I think is a good thing.

They even threw in--

--free delivery.

Now, that can't be good
for the transmission.

[KNOCKING]

Sabrina. Are you okay?

It sounded like something fell.

HILDA:
Something like a redwood.

What's going on in there?

Salem and I are clogging.

Good night.

I've gotta zap this to the street.

If my aunts see it,
I can kiss driving it goodbye.

I'd appreciate it if you
didn't imply that I clog.

Why--? Why isn't it working?

Check the emergency brake.

Oh, right.

Good, that'll buy me some time.

Whoa.

- I like this game.
- What's wrong with my magic?

CAR: Nothing.
I just don't like being alone.

You can talk?

CAR:
It was on my sticker.

CAR:
I don't wanna sleep outside.

In case you haven't noticed,
it's cold.

Look, I know you'd rather stay
in my room, but you can't.

My aunts would k*ll me
if they found out.

CAR:
I could catch pneumonia out here.

You could, if you had
blood and organs.

VALERIE:
Sabrina?

Oh, no. Keep it down, okay?

CAR: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You sound like my first wife.

Hey. I thought I heard you.
Who were you talking to?

Pet lizard.
Where did that little guy run off to?

I came by to apologise.

You know all those horrible,
nasty things I said about you?

- I didn't mean them.
- Me neither.

- Friends?
- Friends.

[CAR COUGHING]

[SABRINA COUGHING]

Hey, hot car. When did you get it?

Uh, just a few minutes ago.

From a new neighbour
who's moving to Australia.

It's so cool.

- Can I borrow it?
- But you have a car.

My grandma's ride to church died,
so she wants it back. Please?

Valerie, this is kind of
hard to explain, but--

ZELDA: Those files aren't gonna
carry themselves in here.

HILDA: Just let me hear Jerry
Springer's thought for the day

and I'll meet you in the garage.

Uh, sure, you can borrow it. In fact,
why don't you keep it at your place?

That way you can park it
somewhere warm

and it will never be lonely.

- Lonely?
- British engineering.

Very delicate. Here.

Thank goodness we saved this stuff.

No, I saved it.

I save things.
I just forget where I save them.

That's called losing things.

If I hadn't had the foresight
to put everything in my name,

the house, the phone,
the credit cards

we would never get out
from under this audit.

So how was the garage?
Nice and empty?

It's from the auditors.

Oh, what a relief.

They're cancelling the audit?

No. It says they're
only going to audit you.

Why would that be?

Because everything's in your name.

Good luck, sis. Looks like there's
nothing but free time for me.

And what better way to
enjoy that free time

than by relaxing in the company
of Mr. Kraft?

No.

I really think my plan
is gonna work.

I'll just keep the car
hidden at Valerie's.

You know,
this is how people get hurt.

Oh, no. What are you doing here?

CAR:
Hello to you too.

You know, that little brunette
is a menace to motoring.

And she sings along with the radio.

Either that or she's been injured.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Sabrina. I just looked outside
and I can't find your car.

I think somebody stole it.

Oh, no, no, no. I've got it.
The car's here with me.

Phew!

- Oh, well, good night.
- See you tomorrow.

CAR:
Hey, I heard a good story.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?
- Why did you take the car?

Yeah, it is unbelievable.

I mean, you'd think they'd tire of it
after maybe six or seven times, but no.

These seniors still seem to find
removing my brake fluid very amusing.

Let me get this straight. Your aunt had
an allergic reaction to frozen yogurt,

so you came over to my house
in a cab and took the car?

In a manner of speaking.

Did you drive it to school today?

No. I left it at home.

Hey. Did you guys see the cool orange
MGB parked in front of the school?

- Oh, I did drive it. That's mine.
- But I have the keys.

I hot-wired it.
Can I have the keys back?

Okay. Let me borrow it
during lunch, please?

I don't know.
It depends on how it's behaving.

I mean running.

It was fine.

Thanks, Sabrina.

Where did you ever learn
how to hot-wire a car?

My Aunt Zelda.

She did time.

When are you gonna let me
tune up your new ride?

My dad showed me how to make
a car go miles an hour in first gear.

Why would anyone want
their car to do that?

He didn't say.

VALERIE:
Hey.

- I need my keys.
- Oh, I don't have them.

- I did something you'll love me for.
- I am?

- I lent your car to Mr. Kraft.
- What?

Apparently, he's got a hot date
and a car with no brake fluid.

And guess what
he gave us in return.

Permission and bus fare to
attend the journalism symposium.

Way to go, Valerie.

Did Mr. Kraft say where
he was going on his date?

I don't know. When he started singing
"I'm in the Mood for Love," I got woozy.

So until you produce your
missing savings account,

we're putting a lien on your magic.

No magic cabinet,

no magic cauldron,

no laptop.

[GASPS]

But I'm a witch.
How will I cast spells?

With this.

This isn't magic.

This is a crummy bar mitzvah.

Well, don't you look stupid.

Sabrina, what are you
doing home so late?

I was looking for Mr. Kraft
to return a pen I borrowed.

There haven't been any live police
chases on TV tonight, have there?

Mr. Kraft is at the drive-in
with your aunt Hilda.

- What?
- Isn't that nice?

I'm stunned with happiness.

Hilda knew how much you wanted
to go to that symposium,

so she thought she'd
put in a good word for you.

That was so sweet.

I should thank her.

In fact, I should thank her right now.

A Joe Don Baker retrospective.

- What a treat.
- Yep.

Buford Pusser fans don't come
any bigger than me.

[g*nshots IN MOVIE]

[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING IN MOVIE]

Hey. Hey, car.

CAR:
Oh, look who's here.

Miss I'll-Let-Anybody-Drive-Him.

Look, I promise you can stay
in my room forever, okay?

If you just do me a favour and
behave yourself tonight, okay?

CAR: I bet you don't even care
that I'm parked on gum.

I do care. It's just that's my aunt and
my vice principal in your front seat,

so if you could just
keep your voice down.

CAR:
You really had me fooled.

I thought you were kind
and warm-hearted.

[CAR SNORTS]

Boy, was I wrong.

Did you just snort?

Look, I'll explain everything later,
okay? Honest.

CAR:
Later, later, later.

You never have time for me.

Now you sound like your first wife.

CAR:
That's hitting below the fan belt.

I need to be alone.

No. No, don't do that.
That would be bad.

[ENGINE REVVING]

[HORNS HONKING
AND HILDA SCREAMING]

[HILDA SCREAMING]

[HORNS HONKING]

Please don't be in my room.
Please don't be in my room.

Please don't be in my room.

All right. Chalk one up to the power
of positive thinking.

Aunt Hilda, how was the movie?

I laughed, I cried.
You're in big trouble.

What about Mr. Kraft?
I mean, did you put him under a spell?

No. Fortunately,
he passed out from terror.

Still breathing.

I know it's gonna be a while before
you two are done yelling at me,

so should we brew a magic potion
for Mr. Kraft?

I can't.
The auditors booted my laptop.

Besides, sometimes I worry that
all those potions we give him

are gonna have some sort
of side effect.

[KRAFT MUMBLING]

Willard, you are so witty.
Thanks again for a lovely evening.

- Good night.
- Hilda.

I was--

I have got to start
videotaping my dates.

We have to think of a suitable
punishment for Sabrina.

She has to learn how to
behave responsibly.

It's time like these that I regret
donating our iron maiden to Goodwill.

Well, look at that.

They always return to
the scene of the crime.

Zelda, Hilda, what I did was wrong.

You better not be talking
about buying that shirt.

You two have done so much for me.

You've kept me employed. You--
You put a roof over my head.

How will I ever earn
your forgiveness?

You can start by paying us back
all the magic you stole from us.

There's a slight problem with that.
See, the guy at the casino--

Okay. I'll earn it back. I will.

I just need a place
to lie low for a while.

We know the perfect place.

Zelda? Hilda?

Anybody?

Is that a yeti?

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Any available
service manager, Line .

Quizmaster.

I can't handle this thing.
It's nothing but trouble.

That's why I sold you this car.

To make you realise
you weren't ready for one.

You took a job here
just to teach me a lesson?

No. I've got college loans.

Well, let's take this baby to Guido
and turn back its odometer.

CAR:
Make yourself scarce, huckster.

I need a few minutes alone
with Miss Learner's Permit.

No problem.
That Chrysler's teaching me Spanish.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

[CAR SNIFFS]

CAR: Me too. I've got something
for you on my dash.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Any
available service manager, Line .

"What is a friend?" Aw.

CAR: If you read the inside,
you'll see that a friend is someone

who changes someone's oil
once in a while.

I'll miss you too.

Walking shoes are
a much better investment.

They're fun, cheap and
no way you can ruin friendships

or endanger innocent lives, right?

I loved that sports car.

- Kraft alert.
- How bad could it be?

He already said we couldn't go
to the journalism symposium.

Miss Spellman.

Just the little miscreant
I've been looking for.

Good, because I gotta go
to metal shop.

Me too. If you're late, they
don't let you wear the masks.

Now, hold it.

You know what I have here?

- Your drawings?
- No.

It's a file that I've been keeping on you
and all of your strange behaviour.

But they're illustrated, right?

For instance, the other night
I went to the movies with your aunt.

And the next thing I know,
I'm alone on your front porch.

Explain that.

Oh, well,
you know what they say about

men your age and memory lapses.

Okay, if you say so,
I'll check into the chess club.

Gotta go.

Mother's right.
I need more potassium.

Thank goodness my magic
will be restored next week.

I despise doing laundry
the mortal way.

Here's a tip:
It's not equal parts water and bleach.

Oh, I see you decided to bring Marty
back from outer space.

Not exactly.

Haven't I been punished enough?

I mean, all I did was almost
k*ll you and Mr. Kraft.

Get back in there and do some
more filing, young lady.

And don't just stand around
the water cooler telling jokes.