02x25 - Rumor Mill

[bunniefuu]

- You started your report yet?
- Almost.

Everyone knows a good paper's
percent writing,

percent colour-coordinating
your highlighters.

Well, if and when you do start it,

at least you'll have a nice, quiet place
to work in.

Zelda and I are gonna take a trip.

Is that a euphemism
for "plastic surgery"?

We haven't decided
where we're vacationing,

although Hilda is pushing
for Atlantis.

The kelp is in full bloom.

Will you be all right alone
while we're away?

Are you kidding? I've never had
the house to myself. Gotta call Val.

Ow.

Right after I finish my paper.

- Such a good girl.
- And so trustworthy.

What a coincidence.
The topic of my paper is child abuse.

Let them eat cake,
but save me some.

ZELDA: You need a hand with those?
- No, thanks. I got them.

Huh! Do you mind?

Check this out. "Time-space
continuum excursions.

Three days, two nights."
And you come back younger.

Oh, let's try something
really different.

"The third ring of Saturn.
Now with single-deck blackjack."

Let's go see the world's largest

- ball of twine.
- Twine?

One question. Why?

And please let the answer be
that you have a fever.

[STAMMERS]
Twine? Is that the brochure?

And, if so, can I keep it
in my basket?

Come on, Hilda,
we always go to the Other Realm,

but we never get to see
any real Americana.

At least tell me
it's somewhere exotic.

It's in Kansas.

Oh, the Paris of the Midwest.

Do you think this knapsack
would accommodate

a substantial ball of twine?

- Why?
- Just asking.

Oh, great. It's the Green Hornet.

So how's the report coming?

I have every reason to believe
it will garner a fine grade.

- You still haven't started yet.
- Nope.

Well, it's gonna be tough
now that you have to sign up

for community service
in the Other Realm.

What? But I didn't do
anything wrong.

Community service isn't just
something pro athletes do

to avoid jail time.
In the Other Realm,

giving back to the community
makes you feel good about yourself.

But I already feel fabulous
about myself. I love me.

If you want your witch's licence,
you do charity work,

and you have to give it your all.

You can't just phone it in.

Okay, get off my back.
I'll help others. Let's go.

Sorry. You have to do it on your own.

Fine.

- What's this?
- My homework.

Give it your all.
And don't just phone it in.

Oh, man, Walden?

Nothing happens in this book.

SABRINA: Maybe something
will jump out at me.

[READS]
"Washing Old Witches"?

Nope. And, may I add, gross.

- Hi.
- Hi. "Easy Way Out."

- Well, this shouldn't be too hard.
- Yeah, that's what I'm hoping.

Plus, it's being run by my uncle.

[HORN HONKS]

Hello, young lady, Dashiell.

I always get a little misty
whenever I see

there are young people today
who still believe

in the old-fashioned values
of community service.

- Bobby Calzone.
- Sabrina Spellman.

Hi. I see you've met my nephew,
Dashiell.

A good, fine, young witch...
for a half-mortal.

- Hey, I'm half-mortal too.
- Cool. Are you right-handed?

Yeah. Wow, it's like
looking in a mirror.

You know, here at Easy Way Out,

we're always on the lookout for a few

special witches like yourself.

This is real community service, right?
I promised my quizmaster I--

Sabrina, you'll be working
at the Rumour Mill.

How's that for real?

- Is that good?
- Are you kidding?

In this realm, rumours are considered
the highest form of entertainment.

Think Riverdance with a conscience.

But I always thought
rumours were bad.

Oh, mortal. Trust me, kiddo,

the Rumour Mill is the USO
of witchly community service.

A morale builder.

As a matter of fact,
rumours have actually been proven

to make witches healthier.

Wow, I feel more noble already.

Come on, witches need our help.
Let's start our first smear campaign.

Okay. I'm ready to hit the open road.

- "I'm with stupid"?
- Don't personalize it, Zelda.

I'm just trying to blend in
with Middle America.

Fine. Just put your stuff
in the pickup I rented.

What? Are they out of dump trucks?

It'll be fun.

For an all-American journey,
an all-American vehicle.

All right, let's go.

I call shotgun.

Salem, you're not going.

- You have to stay here with Sabrina.
- What?

You didn't think we'd leave a teenager
completely unsupervised, did you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you telling me
that this family is going to see

the world's largest ball of twine,

and the cat isn't coming?

- Sorry.
- With all due respect, ladies,

would I leave you behind
if I were going to see

the world's largest eligible bachelor?

Yes. If our entire goal
was to unravel him.

Hey, don't forget to water the plants
and bring in the mail.

[SOBS]

You know, In Cold Blood
took place in Kansas.

Welcome to the Rumour Mill.

We spread more rumours by a.m.

than most hairdressers do all day.

Is it always this busy?

I'm going to guess
you guys don't get government funds.

Hey, hey, hey. This room brings
more joy to downtrodden witches

than a thousand soup kitchens.

Really? It seems kind of rundown.

Well, if I'm lying, I'm dying.

Now, listen up. Here's how it works.

First, you think up a juicy rumour.

For instance...oh, I don't know.

Say, Sabrina's quizmaster wears...
a skirt.

Then you chuck your rumour
in this black hole over here,

word gets out, and, hey, presto.
The masses are entertained.

In some cases, even healed.

And my quizmaster won't mind
wearing a skirt?

Rumours aren't true.
They're just entertainment.

Like pro wrestling.

Whoops! I got a Stromboli stand
on the south side of the realm,

and it don't run without me.

- So are we set here?
- Sure.

Beautiful. Go get them.

Where do we begin?
I don't know many witches.

- I live in the mortal realm.
- Really? Me too.

Revere, Massachusetts.

Westbridge. Hey, you guys had
that huge linebacker

who pulverized our quarterback.

And then the game started,
and things really got bad.

Hey, maybe we should start rumours
about people we know.

Why would Other Realmers
care about them?

Well, my uncle said
all rumours are entertaining.

We might as well entertain ourselves
in the process.

"Mike Stratton, Revere linebacker,

is also the captain
of the synchronized swim team."

I like charity.

Okay. Here goes.

Libby Chessler

is so mean,
her parents made her move out.

Let me guess. Cheerleader.

- This is fun.
- Yeah. And the best part about it is

we're helping witches.

Without having to clip their toenails.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

No doubt about it,
we pulled the best community service.

Yeah. But I think washing old witches
would be fun too.

If I got to do it with you.

The hills are alive
with the sound of gossip.

And we used up all the paper,
Uncle C.

Oh, nice work. We haven't had
so many rumours started

since Walter Winchell worked here.

Now you two better
skedaddle on home.

So soon?

Well, I guess it's back
to the mortal realm.

You wanna get there
through my laundry chute?

Sure. Hey, you know, I was thinking
maybe I'd volunteer here again,

like, tomorrow at .

How about : ?

You didn't let me finish.

Like : .

I just hope our rumours
made an impact.

Trust me.

Just because my parents
have threatened to evict me,

doesn't mean they've stopped caring.

That's weird. That sounds like
that rumour I started about Libby.

Pumpkin, we mustn't. It's wrong.

Not wrong. Inappropriate, perhaps.

But I say...

...the heck with it.

I love your fire.

Okay. And that sounds very similar
to that other rumour I--

Sabrina, do you have
any veal and jelly in your locker?

I have this tremendous craving.

Harvey, please tell me you're having
a bad love-handle day.

It's weird. None of my clothes fit,

my breasts are tender.

I'm gonna be sick.

Okay. And that's the rumour I started
about Harvey being pregnant.

That settles it.

This is a major coincidence.

Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda!

Is anybody home?

Salem, what's going on?

Oh, sh**t.

Ah, Sabrina.

I want you to meet the heads
of the four families of Westbridge.

- Don Calamari.
- How you doing?

Don Ameche.

Don Tutti Fruitti.

And, of course, Don Da Don Don.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Salem, you're not in the Mafia.
It was just a rumour.

[MOBSTERS LAUGH]

Gentlemen, you will have to
forgive my little friend.

Sometimes she talks

when she should be reading
her magic book.

Then she would know that rumours
started in the Other Realm

become truths in the mortal realm.

Oh, well, in that case, Don Salem,

on this day,
the day of your daughter's wedding,

how do I make it stop?

You don't. Some of us like
being Mafia bosses.

Me, I like it. I get to wear a cool suit.

- You want I should whack her?
- No.

Nothing happens to Sabrina
while her mother's still alive.

Gee, thanks. I'll just go ask
my aunts for help.

You didn't start a rumour about them?

No, I--

Oh, no.

When you said you wanted
to navigate, I assumed it was because

- you could read a map.
- And I can.

We are right in front of that

terrifying thing!

But where have they been
abducted to?

I got a warehouse near the waterfront
for that kind of stuff.

Scusi, Don Tutti Fruitti,
not that kind of abduction.

But grazie.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Zelda, can you use your finger?

- No. Can you?
- No.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Oh, sure, it may not be
a huge ball of twine,

but aliens are pretty nifty.

Well, if you could navigate,
we wouldn't be here.

This is my fourth abduction
this month.

My wife's gonna k*ll me
if I'm late with the ice cream again.

Perhaps this gentleman

can teach you how to tell
when the map is upside down.

[SPEAKS IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

Say it, don't spray it.

That means he's ready to remove
all your organs.

But watch it, I tell you.
He's got cold hands.

Or, actually, tentacles.

Isn't that great? Back off, shorty.

You don't understand. You're next.

And if he don't operate
on you, then--

- I'll tell you whose fault this is.
- It is not.

No, Hilda.

There's a third witch
we haven't factored in.

Uh, ladies first.

Sabrina.

[CONSOLE BUZZES]

Thanks a lot.

I rarely use my liver.

Harvey, how'd you get
so pregnant so fast?

How should I know?
Get off my back.

Sorry, Sabrina.

I'm just kind of emotional these days.

It's okay. I'll figure something out.

Somebody better figure something out
because these are not birthing hips.

Libby, what's wrong?

My parents have kicked me out.

Oh, I had no idea.

And I had absolutely nothing
to do with it.

My mom says
they don't love me anymore.

My dad says they never did.
What am I gonna do?

I'm so sorry.

I'm never gonna do that to my baby.

I've gotta find Calzone.

That sounds really good.
With chocolate sauce on it.

Oh, Willard, Willard, Willard.

- No. Call me Vice Principal Kraft.
- Oh!

Oh, get a room.

Calzone, you better show your face.

He's not here.

Well, we've gotta find him.
All my rumours came true.

I know. So did mine.

You don't understand.
There's a very nice boy

who's staring down the barrel
of a C-section.

You think I like this?
My sister's a unicorn.

Well, it's all your sleazy uncle's fault.

Hold on now.

We need some advice.
Can your quizmaster be trusted?

We'd better hope so.
He's our only shot.

Quizmaster, quizmaster
Helping others is great

Now get your butt in here
Before it's too late

There's a rumour going around
that you have something to do

with this hemline.

I cannot abide a cat who would let
his owners give him a name

that robs him of respect.

What would you have us do,
Don Salem?

Whack Fluffy.

I'll send two of my best guys.

No, wait. I want that cat to wake up
with a mouse head in his bed.

Of course, godfather.

On second thought,
bring me the mouse head.

To top it off, I'm beginning to feel sorry
for Libby.

That's how bad things have gotten.

I told you not to take
the easy way out.

No, you said not to phone it in.

Besides, the guy said
that rumours help in the Other Realm.

Oh, and you believed him?
You know rumours are bad things.

There are a lot of things I used to know
that turned out not true. For example,

I used to be pretty sure
that people couldn't fly.

Oh, sh**t. That reminds me.

I gave my cousin Lillian bat wings.

Hilda, I noticed something
while they were examining him.

Yeah. He should get
that mole checked.

No. They undid his restraints

in order to conduct the experiment.

I bet we can trick them
into freeing our arms.

And then we can
zap ourselves home.

No, we can't override this magic.

And then we can hit them.

Yes. And provided you don't navigate,

we can steer this baby home.

Please, before they touch me again.

Oh, you love it.

- Who is your quizmaster?
- My Uncle Calzone.

Calzone? I know him.

Do me a favour and go see
if he's at his Stromboli stand.

Oh, sure.

Are you gonna be okay, Sabrina?

She's going to be fine.

- That kid is trouble.
- What do you mean?

His uncle has had a score to settle

ever since I got him kicked out
of the quizmasters for cheating.

Why did he come after me? With all
due respect, you were the snitch.

Nothing's more embarrassing
for a quizmaster

than to have a pupil fail
to get their licence.

Although getting caught in that skirt
came close.

- I'm not gonna get my licence?
- After the havoc you wreaked?

Well, isn't there anything I can do?

Well, all the damage you've done
will slowly go away

after you start a vicious rumour
about yourself.

And make it a good one.

I can't even get my grandma
to return my phone calls.

- Sabrina.
- Hi, Libby.

I just heard a rumour about you.
I wonder if it's true.

I knew it. You've got no teeth.

Sabrina's got no teeth.

I just heard
that Sabrina has no teeth.

Ew.

Whoa.

Hey, Harvey, feeling better?

Yeah. I must have been eating
way too much salt. Sabrina?

- Yes?
- I just wanted you to know,

if you ever need your food pre-chewed,
I would do that for you.

How sweet.

You always make me smile.

No, don't.

Sabrina, there's a phone call for you.

And could you make it quick?

I need to call the Smart Women,
Foolish Choices hot line.

I'd love to move back in, Mom.

Yeah, but before we go into that,

you'll never believe
what's happened at school today.

Hello. Yes, it's me.

Of course I'm willing to testify
against Calzone.

I said, I'll testify.

I said-- I'll be right there.

Marone, that's good sauce.

I add a little garlic, oregano,
and then I put some sugar in there.

That's my secret. That's my trick.

[CRASH]

- It's the feds!
- They're coming to get us.

I plead the Fifth.

Nice landing, Zelda. It's okay,
I didn't wanna have children anyway.

Hey, I haven't driven a clutch
in a while.

I better go. Uh...

Now, I may be a farmer,
but these fellas in your sitting room

sure do look like mob bosses.

Hey, guys.
That Sabrina got no teeth.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, come back.
We were all gonna go to Vegas

and get comped at Boylesque.

Salem, I'm sure there's an explanation
for turning our house into a social club.

But first, where is Sabrina?

I will tell you only if you promise

never to ask me
about my business again.

It just isn't the same
with the guys gone.

Where is Sabrina?

The Witches' Council called her in.

We better get there.

Guess I wasn't meant
to be a mob boss.

[BURPS]

I think I'm garlic-intolerant.

Yes, we understand that you think
your quizmaster rocks.

But unless you can produce
this Calzone,

we must hold
your quizmaster responsible

for all the trouble you've caused.

Are you aware
that you have no teeth?

I did it to right a wrong.
Can anything be done about it?

Only because we're all about
to lose our lunch.

Well, like I said, I don't know
Calzone's present location,

but I hope it will please the court
to call other witnesses

who may have information
about the weasel's whereabouts.

Now, just a moment.
Is this Calzone a weasel?

Because we've been looking
for a man.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Oh.

The court calls Dashiell Calzone.

- Are you the fugitive's nephew?
- Yes, I am.

- And do you know his whereabouts?
- I...

- I do not know, Your Honour.
- He's lying.

And I'm about to get demoted
to crossing guard.

We're not going to demote you.
We're gonna arrest you.

You can't let your pupils
run amok like this.

Bailiff, take the quizmaster
into custody.

No, you can't do this. I've got tenure!

- Don't worry, I'll get you out.
- Sabrina, wait.

Stay away from me.
My quizmaster was right about you.

I hate to do this.

Oh, good. This place
has such great karma for me.

Sabrina, I need you to know

I had nothing to do
with the trouble that you're in.

But I do know where my uncle is.

Well, why didn't you say anything?

Because the council
can only send him to jail.

See, where I come from,
that's a bad thing.

Calzone's a wheeler and dealer.
Jail would be fun to him.

- I want him to suffer.
- Well, how do you plan on doing that?

Well, I happen to know
my conniving uncle

is hanging out in the mortal realm.

"Calzone comes clean
in quizmaster frame-up

and vows to spend the rest of his life
cleaning up dog parks."

[DOGS BARKING]

[READS]
"Barehanded."

You're good.

- Friends?
- You kidding? You saved me

and my quizmaster.

So how far is it
from Westbridge to Revere?

Oh, about five minutes by spaceship.

Oh, hi, guys. Uh, this is Dashiell.

Sabrina had nothing to do with this.
It's all my fault?

He's cute. But unfortunately,
I heard a rumour that you're grounded.

Oh, you have to stop
reading those tabloids.

- Okay, I'm grounded.
- It's not so bad.

My parents are making me
clean up Lillian's guano.

- You'll need a loofa.
SABRINA: Check.

- And grab that bunion stone.
SABRINA: What?

Just take it. And plenty of Band-Aids.

- Oh, and a squeegee.
- Squeegee?

Sabrina, when you clean
old witches--

Hundreds of old witches.

--anything that saves time
is a welcome tool.

I know you guys are just trying
to gross me out, but it's not working.

We tried. Oh, one last thing.

- The tongue scraper.
- It scrapes tongues.

No problem.

Didn't work.

- Is she gone yet?
- Yeah.

BOTH:
Tongue scraper. Yuck!