02x26 - Mom vs. Magic

[bunniefuu]

Okay, fine. See you.

No!

What's the matter, Salem?
Ringworm got you down?

My mother's coming for a visit.

I called to wish her
a happy Mother's Day, and...

Oh, why didn't I just send the
dry-roasted almonds like I usually do?

[SALEM CRIES]

You should be happy
your mother's coming.

I haven't seen my mother in over
a year. I'm a witch and she's a mortal

and if she looks at me,
she'll turn into a ball of wax,

which is the stupidest rule
I've ever heard of--

Hey! We were talking about me.

Well, your mom knows
you're now a cat, right?

[CRYING]

How could you keep that a secret?

It slipped my mind?

You don't understand.
My mother's very critical.

I once wore sandals
to the dinner table

and she sent me to military school.

Were they flip-flops?
Because then I'm with her.

Sabrina, please, don't make me
face my mother as a cat.

She'll hate me. Use your magic.

Send me somewhere. Anywhere.
I'm begging you.

Okay.

Oh, yes. She'll never see me here.

Watch the show, then call me
in the morning. Stat!

- Ah! There's Salem.
- Oh, maybe he won't see us.

SALEM:
Please?

Ugh. Salem, we are not
sending you to Palm Beach.

Okay, Tucson, Chattanooga,
Moose Jaw, anywhere.

She's your mother. She'll find you.

[CRYING]

I still think we should
visit our mother.

I just don't feel like taking
a long trip right now.

Hilda, it'll take a th of a second.

Aunt Zelda, Aunt Hilda. I didn't expect
to find you standing right here.

That's the problem when a linen closet
is your portal to the Other Realm.

Every now and then,
you need towels.

Hi, Dashiell. How was the date?

What'd you do? Where'd you go?
Anyone get kissed?

ZELDA:
We'll leave you two alone.

HILDA: We're her legal guardians.
We're morally obligated to snoop.

I hope you had fun tonight.

I know you never
time-travelled before.

I loved it. Sliding from Canada
to Mexico on the glacier was amazing.

Except for that whole raw-butt thing.

Ha, ha. You're the most amazing,
wonderful girl I've ever been out with.

You must be a mind reader because
that's exactly what I wanted to hear.

HILDA: It's as if you're trying
to tell me something.

You know, I've always heard
that if you enjoyed a kiss,

then the other person
probably enjoyed it too.

Really? I never heard that.

- No. Yes, I did.
- Bye.

[THUD]

ZELDA:
Oh. Ow.

I don't think this is practical.

Oh, Dash.

HARVEY:
Hey.

Ow.

- Where'd you get the rose?
- I found it.

- So, what's new in your life?
- Actually, I need a favour.

Could you help me buy
a Mother's Day present?

For your mom?

Last year, I got her a can opener.

I really have to stop taking
gift advice from my dad.

- Everything okay?
- I miss my mom.

She's still on
an archaeology expedition in Peru.

- You should visit her.
- I would, but then--

Waiting for the ancient city
of Machu Picchu to get an Arby's.

So does your mom like
wine cheese?

She finds it binding.

Really? Well, there's always
jewellery or bran. Ha, ha.

- We'll find something.
- You're the best.

Oh, Harvey.

I have a very big problem.

ZELDA: Hilda?
HILDA: Coming.

Why are you so resistant

to the idea of seeing
our own mother?

Because she likes you
better than she likes me.

What? That's ridiculous.

She loves us both exactly the same.

Perhaps she should like me better,
but I don't think she does.

How come on your th birthday

you got an entire observatory
and I got corrective shoes?

Because I like stars
and you have those funny toes.

Is Salem in the hamper again?

SALEM:
No.

Hello, Braveheart.

SALEM:
Don't make me face her.

See? No one wants
to be with their mother.

That's why there's a billion-dollar
greeting-card industry.

We're leaving.

Salem, tell Sabrina to zap in
something healthy for dinner.

Not just Fluffernutter.

And don't try to escape through your
cat door, because I nailed it shut.

SALEM:
Mean.

Mother never loved me
when I was human.

One little hug and I wouldn't have tried
to take over Poland.

[BELL RINGS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

What are you doing here?

I left my clone
back in my high school.

I just hope I can read
his history notes this time.

Hey, you want to become invisible
and go give the queen a wedgie?

Sounds like fun.

I can't. I promised Harv--

A friend that I'd go shopping.

Just take a rain cheque.

I'd love to,
but I can't break a promise.

Man, I like you.

Would you mind if I just
stared at you all day?

- I'll send you a picture.
- Ready to go shopping?

Sure. As soon as I get
my chemistry book.

- For you.
- Thanks.

Did it rain?

Salem, Mother's here.

SALEM:
Momsie?

- Where are you?
SALEM: Down here.

Salem?

What on earth happened?

I tried to take over the world.

The Witches' Council sentenced
me to years as a cat.

I eat off the floor
and sleep by the dryer.

Go ahead, let me have it.

Salem Saberhagen,
you always disappoint me.

SALEM: Uh-huh.
- You're selfish and irresponsible.

You're a terrible person.

But if you aren't the cutest little kitty

I have ever seen in my entire life.

- I am?
- Come to Mama.

[SALEM GIGGLING]

SALEM:
Chanel?

Well, that was fun.

Sorry I couldn't make up
my mind about a gift.

There's nothing wrong with any
of the sweaters you showed me

- or the perfume.
- Or the earrings or the picture frames

or the foot massagers.

I just really want this present
for my mom to be perfect.

Especially since you wrecked
her car last week.

And I kind of love her.

[CHUCKLES]

DASHIELL: Sabrina.
- Who was that?

The oven. Uh, I forgot,
I'm baking bread.

An oven timer
that calls you by name?

Hey, maybe my mom
would like one.

Sabrina?!

Sorry, you have to go.

I forgot, I have to set off
a bug b*mb.

Um, but maybe we can do the
shopping thing again tomorrow.

Well, can I ask you one more thing?

Whatever it is, the answer's yes.

- Really? So we can go steady again?
- Huh?

Sabrina?!

[IN UNISON]
Who's he?

Uh, Harvey, this is Dashiell.
Dashiell, this is Harvey.

You won't believe this, but you guys
have so much in common.

See, Harvey's a really close friend,

or was until about five minutes ago
when he asked me to go steady.

[LAUGHING]

And, um, Dashiell's this
very new person in my life

who I very recently
have been seeing.

Naturally, I was gonna
tell both of you about...

Well, both of you.

Well, we said we weren't
gonna be exclusive.

And we never talked about
only seeing each other.

Great. This is good.
This is very good.

[IN UNISON]
Choose.

That's odd.

I told Mother we were coming.

That's the problem.
You told her we're coming.

If it were just you, she'd be here.
But since it's me,

she's probably hiding
under a pile of coats.

You're being childish.

I'll just see if she left a key.

More proof. She told me
it was under the flower pot.

- How about now?
- No!

- How about now?
SABRINA: No!

Look, I'll let you guys know
when I decide. Just please go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

No!

What a good kitty my son is. Yes.

- Hi, Mrs. Saberhagen.
- Hi.

You're just a big ball of fluff.

That's what you are.

Isn't he a big ball of fluff?

SALEM:
That's what he is, all right.

I'm going to make my son
a nice big fish dinner.

SALEM:
With fish?

Both of you go home!

SALEM:
Mom's making mackerel.

Salem, can we talk?

SALEM:
Isn't my mother great?

I mean, all mothers are great,
but isn't my mother just plain better

than anyone else's?

Harvey and Dash want me to choose
between them. I don't know what to do.

Did I tell you she brushed me
for hours this afternoon?

It felt so silky good.

- Salem, you're not even listening to me.
- I am too.

MRS. SABERHAGEN: Salem,
you wanna lick the deboning knife?

Gotta go. Good luck
with the bake sale.

Maybe I can't see my mother
without turning her into a giant candle,

but I don't see why
I can't write her a letter.

When it absolutely, positively
has to be there in two seconds flat.

Are you crazy?

You wear those clothes
and ask if I'm crazy?

Your mother is mortal.

You are half-witch. You are not
allowed to send her letters

until you get your witch's licence.
And that includes airmail.

You opened my paper airplane?
I think that's illegal.

Oh, I didn't read it. The Witches'
Council did and they are furious.

They've handed down a decree.

Hey, I think you singed
my eyebrows.

Oh, boy, this is worse
than I ever imagined.

- What does it say?
- Well, because you broke the rules,

you have to choose
between being a witch

or seeing your mom ever again.

I have to either give up all my magic
or never see my mother again?

That's crazy. It's unjust. It's unfair.

I'm pretty sure it's bad
for the environment.

It's the council. They're one gaggle
of bitter old witches.

No one ever said
I couldn't write to my mother.

Well, it's right here
in your magic book.

Not anymore.

You have to choose between
your mom or your magic.

You have hours.

Wasn't choosing between
boyfriends enough for one day? Unh.

"Winner of the Other Realm
Science Fair: Zelda Spellman."

Oh. "Outstanding Student
of the Decade: Zelda Spellman."

ZELDA:
Aw.

"The Best of the Best:
Zelda Spellman."

Oh, you're right.
She loves us both the same.

Oh, come on. There must be
something here of yours.

Oh.

Oh, look.

She kept your hat.

She borrowed it over a hundred
years ago and never returned it.

Really? She always returns
everything she borrows from me.

Aunt Zelda?

Aunt Hilda?

Can you hear me? I need help.

WOMAN:
The Other Realm customer

you are trying to contact
is not available

or has travelled outside
our service area.

Please try again later.

Hey, I'm supposed to have
unlimited roaming with this thing.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen, the other day
when I said choose,

I meant choose me.

I wish that was the only
decision I had to make.

- What?
- Nothing.

You get your mom's present yet?

No, I still haven't found
anything perfect enough.

To get Harvey's mind off
This romantic rift

Send his mom the ideal gift

You're kidding.

Uh, how about this?

Is that Heidi and her goat friends?

- It could be.
- Oh, my mom's been wanting it

for years,
but they stopped making it.

Three cheers for them.

My mom'll pass a stone.

- How on earth did you ever get this?
- Magic.

Carrots?
A little standard, but thanks.

They're not for you.
I bought you a pony named Petey.

- So you like me better?
- Dash, I--

Oh, come on. Look, there's
an unimaginative mortal boy and me.

What's your decision?

I'm thinking nunnery.

Ticktock. Clock's ticking, Sabrina.

- Your mom or your magic?
- Right now, magic.

QUIZMASTER:
Oh, I can still do it from here.

Ticktock. Ticktock.

How would you like
your salmon today, dear?

In huge portions?

- Anybody want carrots?
QUIZMASTER: Ticktock. Ticktock.

Very subtle.

- I'll put some carrots in with the fish.
- No! Don't taint it.

Whatever my pudding cake wants.

Ha, ha. I can't believe I lived all those
years without contact with my mom.

I tell you, Sabrina,
my heart is floating.

I got to go think.

[SNEEZES]

Are you catching a cold, Mommy?
Here.

Oh. Thank you, Salem.

[SALEM CHUCKLES]

Oh, my little boy. Yes, you are.

What am I gonna do?

I know, I know, ticktock.

Salem.

Sabrina, Sabrina.

Oh, I miss my mom,

but I love having magic.

I know what I have to do.

Ah, ah, ah...

[SIGHS]

Maybe you put too much pepper
in the peppers.

- Achoo!
- Bless you.

Oh, I haven't sneezed this much
since years ago

when your father brought home
that stray...

BOTH:
Cat!

No!

[SNEEZES]

Quizmaster!

- I've made my decision.
- Ah, good, because...

[ALARM RINGING]

Sorry, I was just trying
to lighten things up.

- I love being a witch.
- So that's your decision?

But I can't live
without seeing my mother.

Man, you're sure you realise
what this means?

Your powers will be gone forever.

You won't even be able
to do card tricks.

This is the hardest decision
I've ever had to make.

- I've made up my mind.
- All right, then.

Hey, you okay? I've seen
more colour in plain yoghurt.

I feel nervous and insecure

and self-conscious

and extremely depressed.

Then the transformation
is complete.

You're a normal teenager again.

Do me a favour
and zap me to my mommy.

Sure thing.

You could have been
a little more gentle.

- Sabrina? Aah!
- Mom!

[MOM LAUGHING]

- How come I'm not a ball of wax?
- Because I'm not a witch anymore.

- What happened?
- Well, it's a long story.

Is there a dunghill
where we can go sit and talk?

There must be something
of yours that Mother kept.

Give it up, Zelda. There's nothing.

Oh, wait a minute.
I found something.

- What?
- This stain on the carpet.

- I spilled ink when I was young.
- That's right.

Mother had just made friends
with Rorschach.

That's how she remembers me.

A smudge on the carpet of her life.

Wait.

What's this?

"The first thing
little Hilda ever zapped."

My little clay horse.

Why is it in pain?

Because I gave it corrective shoes.

The point is, she kept
this stupid little thing

all these years because
it meant so much to her.

She didn't keep anything
like this of yours.

Maybe she does like me best.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Mother, where are you?

Hilda and I have been waiting--

I see. Uh-huh.

Well, then. All right.
Goodbye, Mother.

What? What? What?

She's with Vesta.

They went shopping.

Vesta bought her some new ears

and now Vesta's taking her
to the Riviera to show them off.

I know she's our sister
and I love Vesta,

but where does she get off
living so long?

Well, it does solve the mystery.

Our mother's favourite daughter.

[IN UNISON]
Vesta.

- More beetle purée?
- No! But thank you.

It was wonderful,
except for the taste.

Oh, the life of an archaeologist.

Ever regret not staying
an archaeology teacher

and living the comfortable
indoor life?

No. I mean, no life is ever perfect,
Sabrina, you know.

Every choice you make you have
your good parts and your bad parts.

- Beetle husk.
- Bad part.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Like, giving up magic was bad,
but then I got you.

Of course, I'm risking malaria,
but it was a lovely sunset.

But I still have to choose
between Harvey and Dash.

You know what I'd do?

I would make a list of pros
and cons for each guy, right?

Then I would throw it away
and follow my heart.

- I missed you.
- I missed you too, honey.

So any other questions you have

that only a mother can answer?

Yeah. How do I get off
this mountain?

Bye, honey. Have a safe trip.
See you soon?

Bye. See you soon.

You know, you might
want to call my aunts

to tell them I might be
a little late. Heh.

Now why are you crying?

My mom went to a doctor
for allergy treatments.

She's gonna take
the needle just for me.

I'm sorry you only got to see
your mother for such a short time.

She's my mother.
A short time's plenty.

HILDA:
Look what I found.

It's Sabrina.

I rode a burro to a truck,

a truck to a bus,
a bus to the airplane.

The burro was the best part.

How was your trip to Peru?

I meant to ask you to pick me up
an alpaca sweater.

What are you doing here?
I don't need a quizmaster.

Soap is what she needs.
And a wire brush.

I know you're going to get mad
when you hear this,

- but this whole thing was a test.
- What?!

Maybe I should have broke the news
away from all these sharp objects.

What kind of test?!
What are you talking about?

Why is he always doing this to me?

Ugh. My clothes are too encrusted
with dirt.

Can someone please kick him?

One of the most important tests
you take before getting your licence--

Maybe the most important.

--is to show that there is
something in this universe

that means more to you than magic.

And you proved that
by choosing your mother.

And we couldn't be prouder of you.

Let me guess.
You two were involved in this?

We had to leave you alone so you
could take the test by yourself.

Although why we couldn't have
gone to Acapulco still baffles me.

Wait, this couldn't have been a test.
I mean, my powers are really out.

Why else would I have to drive
miles in a truck full of chickens?

Your powers were taken away
so you could visit your mom.

Now that you're back,
so is your magic.

- So I can really zap again?
- Absolutely.

Then what am I waiting for?

This is a thankless job.

What about Harvey and Dashiell?

Yeah, who are you gonna choose?
We're dying to know.

Well, my mom said to follow
my heart, so that's what I'm gonna do.

That's how I ended up
sharing a studio apartment

with Vlad the Impaler.

Come on, who are you
gonna choose?

I don't know, but I guess
I have time to decide.

QUIZMASTER: Ticktock.
- Quit it!

Is there an ETA on that bath?

Dash is really sweet and funny,

but Harvey's really sweet and funny.

But Dash is half-witch,
so we have so much in common.

But Harvey and I have so much
history together. I mean, a whole year.

Dash has that great smile,

but Harvey has
those great puppy-dog eyes.

Oh, I don't know how
I'm gonna decide.

What do you think?

I think you smell.

Could we at least
run a bath while you talk?

I don't think it's me.

SALEM:
Good grief, man! Be civilised.

Some of us use a box.