03x05 - Pancake Madness

[bunniefuu]

I love going to the movies
in the Other Realm.

You see next year's blockbusters
before they're even made.

Mm, those poor mortal actors.
They actually think they have free will.

Ow.

What is going on?

This is what it feels like
to be a mime.

That's odd.

The closet's never
refused entry to anyone before.

Well, we'll have to
figure it out after the movie.

What? You're just gonna
leave me here?

Sorry, Aunt Hilda. We're late.

We won't have to
sit through the movie

listening to you say,
"Now, which one is he?"

But--

[THUNDER CRASHES]

This is so unfair.

So looks like it's just you and me.

Wanna do each other's hair?

Take that as a "no."

I think my dinosaur
is double-parked.

Oh, Salem, you must be up early
for your paper route.

Can I zap you something to eat?

Good idea. You know,
I've always felt breakfast

is the most important meal
of the morning.

Know what we never have
in this house?

- Possum.
- No. Pancakes.

Pancakes for breakfast?
You're mad!

Pancakes?

No!

You know, the whole
fork-up-to-my-mouth thing

implied I was gonna eat those.

No pancakes. Not in this house.
Not ever.

What are we, fanatic waffle people?

You mustn't ever eat pancakes.

No one in our family can eat them.

- It's a family secret.
- The family secret?

Just a family secret.
But not being able to eat pancakes

is one of the darker
and more frightening secrets.

Wow, makes the whole
Prince of Tides secret seem tame.

All Spellmans have a terrible
weakness for pancakes.

One bite and you won't
be able to stop.

Mmm. I can quit anytime I want.

Salem is not affected
because he's not family,

but we're deadly serious
about you, Sabrina.

Oh, no. Are we about to have
the parent-child pancake talk?

We should have told you this
a long time ago.

One bite of pancakes
and you'll be hooked for life.

It's almost as shameful
as being hooked on phonics.

Well, maybe it won't affect me
because I'm half-mortal.

We can't take that risk.

Because our feelings
For Sabrina really matter

Here's a spell to prevent
The aforementioned Sabrina

From conjuring pancake batter

Well, what am I supposed
to do for breakfast?

Try a poached egg.

Yuck.

This is ridiculous. Whoever heard
of being addicted to pancakes?

Haven't you learned by now
to believe what your aunts tell you,

no matter how silly it sounds?

It's always for your own good.

But they look so syrupy good.
One teensy bite can't possibly hurt.

Sabrina, no. S-- Sabrina.

There. I ate pancakes,
and I don't feel one bit addicted.

I knew my aunts were overreacting.

Just to save her from herself,

I better destroy the rest of these.

SABRINA: Hey, what you eating?
- Pancakes.

Really? Can I have some?

Normally I would,

but this may be the only
hot breakfast I get this week.

My mom's not really into cooking
much since she got pregnant.

She pretty much spends
her whole morning barfing

- and yelling at my dad.
- Come on. Just one little bite.

Since when did you become
such a pancake fiend?

Ha, I'm not a fiend.

Ew.

They say she keeps all her
belongings in a shopping cart.

My aunts did this to me.
They put weird thoughts in my head.

I am not getting hooked
on pancakes.

Hey! What's in that?

French toast. Move along.

I can't find anything wrong
with the linen closet

except that musty,
grandmothery smell.

But that came with the house.

Then why am I the only one it refuses
to transport to the Other Realm?

You don't still have
that plate in your head, do you?

You think it's that plate in my head?

Have you done or said
anything lately

that might have angered
the Witches' Council?

Of course not.
I've been an absolute peach.

[SIREN WAILING]

Or perhaps I've done something.

- Andrews. Witch Immigration.
- Immigration?

Well, you've obviously made
a gigantic mistake.

My sister and I have lived here
for over years.

Someone in this house

has been living
in the mortal realm illegally

without filling out
the proper paperwork.

[CHUCKLING]

Paperwork?

Offer him a bribe.

We're gonna have to run a F.I.T.
That's a field immigration test.

- Read this sentence aloud, please.
- Fine.

"We went out and about
again and again

in our Ford Falcon."

You're next.

I've got nothing to hide.

"We went oot and aboot agayn
and agayn in our Fared Felcon."

- Arrest her.
- What?

Those results were completely
inconclusive, eh?

Hilda, you never filled out
your paperwork to live in this realm?

It was years ago.
I was busy chopping wood

and trying to keep
Ben Franklin's hands off me.

Where are you taking her?

Back to the northern sector
of the Other Realm,

where she came from.

Hilda?

I'll FedEx you your cap
with the earflaps.

Stop trying to lick my hands.

There's no syrup on them.

Okay. Today
I'd like to spend some time

making a list of possible ways
to raise money for this year's prom.

Anyone?

Anyone at all?

Last year I wrote, produced

and modelled
in a fabulous fashion show.

Didn't that lose $ ?

So? I got to keep my wardrobe.

We could raffle off a Cadillac.

Do you know someone
who has one?

No. I'm just an idea man.

I'm in the mood for pancakes.
Are you holding?

Sabrina, you usually have
good ideas.

What sort of a fundraiser
would you suggest?

Pancakes!

Are you suggesting we have a
pancake breakfast to raise money?

No, no. I wouldn't want
to have breakfast

with those soft, flaky, fluffy,

buttery, melt-in-your-mouth...

Do you have any?

I think it's a charming idea.

A pancake breakfast it is.

Sabrina, you're drooling.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hilda?
- Zelda, can you hear me?

You've gotta get me oot of here.

[MEN GRUNTING]

Are you all right? Is it just awful?

Well, somebody just traded me
for some badger pelts.

So in answer to your question,
yes, it is awful.

Do you mind?

I'm trying to have
a conversation here.

All right. Where were we?

Oh, yeah. Help!

Don't worry, Hilda.
I'll think of something.

Okay, Frenchy, that's it.
You're oot of here.

Gotta be something in this house
that tastes like pancakes.

Oh! Maple-cured ham.

Blechh.
Stupid thing just tastes like ham.

- Hello, Sabrina.
- Oh, home from school.

Felt like a snack. Maybe fruit.

I've got to fill out forms

or Aunt Hilda will be trapped
in the Other Realm forever,

which I know has its upside,
but she's my sister after all.

[GIGGLING]

Honey, are you all right?
Your hand is shaking.

I don't think so.
Maybe your eyes are shaking.

Okay. I know I can just sit here,

watch TV and not think
about pancakes.

MAN [ON TV]: Mannix,
you've broken every rule in the book.

You can't eat pancakes
during a high-speed chase.

MAN : Rommel's dilemma
came down to one agonising choice:

Hitler or pancakes.

WOMAN:
Hello. You're on Loveline.

MAN :
I like pancakes.

[SCREAMS]

SALEM: Jeez, I'm the only cat
I know who has insomnia.

Maybe it's that -hour nap
I took today.

Is that a light I see in the kitchen?

Sabrina!

Ahh! No, no.

You're making pancakes,
aren't you?

You're hooked.
You're a flapjack fiend.

No, I'm not! I-- I'm not.

Yes, I am.

I'm hooked. And you know what?

There's a big pancake breakfast
tomorrow at school

and everyone's gonna know
my shameful secret.

- You've gotta help me.
- I'll help you through this.

There's no problem
you and I can't solve together.

Except maybe world hunger.

And w*r and global warming and...

Maybe we can't solve this problem.

Okay, we can brew up a syrup

that'll make you hate
the taste of pancakes.

You can take it with you to school

and pour it on
before you take that first bite.

- It'll taste so bad-- Eh.
- Quit flapping your lip, cat,

and give me the first ingredient.

[IN WHEEZY VOICE]
You're pressing on my Adam's apple.

[CLEARS THROAT AND PANTS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oyster juice.

Great. Now, this time, in the beaker.

Oh, Sabrina,
you brought your own syrup.

Yeah. I'm germ-phobic.

Me too. I brought gloves.

Hey, I saved you a seat,

and I got you an extra-big stack.

I'm just gonna have a bite.

Yesterday they were all
you could talk about.

Oh, so a woman should be seen
and not heard, is that it?

Are you okay? Is that twitch new?

Hey, Sabrina,
this one fell on the floor.

I thought you might like it.

Okay. What's the catch?

Ew, squared.

Okay, I'm just gonna put
my syrup on these and then...

My syrup. Where's my syrup?

No! Wait!

I gotta get out of here.

Oh, these taste awful.

My syrup. Just one bite.

Hey, these aren't awful.
They're delicious.

They're blueberry.
I don't like blueberry.

Oh, no. More! I need more!

What are you all sitting there for?
I need pancakes!

I need more pancakes!

I hope nobody noticed that.

Finally, I have filled out the last
of Hilda's immigration papers.

"Emergency. Please rush."

Now to get them
to the Other Realm.

SALEM: Why do you still use
the pony express?

I got a coupon years ago.

He could have at least
cleaned up after his horse.

There are wood shavings
everywhere.

That was fast.

I was worried he wouldn't make it
through Comanche country.

"Thank you for filing your request
for a change in immigration status.

Please expect a response
within five to ten working years."

- Years?
- Ooh, that's too bad.

I am really gonna miss, uh... Helga?

I can't wait years to get Hilda
out of that frozen purgatory.

If I want my sister back,

I'm gonna have to take matters
into my own hands.

You're gonna form your
own ragtag band of commandos?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

SABRINA:
Aunt Zelda, help!

Sabrina?

I think I'm retaining water.

Or syrup.

Oh, dear.
I think I know what's happened here.

Let's get you inside.

- Suck it in.
SABRINA: I am!

[GRUNTING]

How many pancakes did you eat?

I don't know.
I lost count after the first .

You know, there's a bright future
for this girl in professional wrestling.

Salem, that was totally uncalled for.

Sabrina, you're crushing my foot.

You should have listened
to your aunts.

But I realise that young people

sometimes think they know
more than their elders.

Kids.

The first thing to do
is to get you back to normal size.

Ah, thank you, Dr. Brickman.

I'm cured.

- Sabrina!
- It's a crepe!

You have to go cold turkey.

I know it's hard.

When I gave up red meat,

I was ready to k*ll.

But I had to. The old ticker.

Fine. I'll-- I'll start
my recovery right now.

I hear there's a -step meeting
at Howard Johnson's.

Oh, how long
do I have to stay in here?

It may take a few hours.
It may take a few days.

But there's no other way
to beat this thing.

Couldn't this be one
of those things we just accept?

Honey, I'll be back as soon as I can.

I've got to go to the
Other Realm to rescue Hilda.

But Salem, if there's an emergency,

you know where to call, right?

The Money Store?

Yes, I have your pager number.

Oh, don't worry. I went through
the same pancake detox years ago.

You'll get through it.

Just remember, it's times like these
that build character.

I don't want character.
I want pancakes!

Keep busy.
That'll make the time go by.

MAN:
I got kids.

Sure could use a mama.

- Hilda.
- Oh, Zelda!

Please tell me you have
my citizenship papers.

At midnight,
it's Crazy Klondike Bride Daze.

No. I'm gonna sneak you
across the border.

- It's our only hope.
- Are you sure? It's so dangerous.

We could get lost in the storm
and freeze to death.

We could be eaten by bears.

Not if youse my wife, you won't.

Okay, come on, Zelda, mush!

No.

Blueberry.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

[SINGING] Flapjacks, griddlecakes
Flannel cakes, hoecakes

We don't care
Just give us mo' cakes

Cook 'em up, stack 'em up
Ten miles high

Pour on the syrup
And my, oh, my

Cakes on the griddle
Fill up your middle

The answer to the riddle
Is cakes on the griddle

That's right

The answer to the riddle
Is cakes on the griddle

That's right

The answer to the riddle
Is cakes on the griddle

That's right

The answer to the riddle
Is cakes on the griddle

[SCREAMS]

That's right

The answer to the riddle...

Salem, you gotta get me
out of here.

Hey, Sabrina, hungry?

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

- Who are you?
- Why, I'm Mrs. Mapleton.

I'm the syrup dispenser
of your dreams.

Why are you here?
What do you want?

I'm here to help you, dear.

- Can you get me out of this room?
- Of course.

We'll go someplace
where you'll feel safe and happy.

Take hold of my handle.

Ooh! Sorry if it's a little sticky.

How can I be sure I can trust you?
After all, you're a giant syrup dispenser.

So I guess that means
I'm not a good person?

Come on.

Where are we?

We're at the
International Pancake House.

Now that I'm trying to kick
pancakes, good place to take me.

Everyone's here because they love
pancakes just like you do.

But I don't wanna
be hooked on pancakes.

I forgot about my friends.
I forgot about my family.

All I could think about
was getting more pancakes,

eating more pancakes.
The butter, the syrup--

Maybe I'll just have one little stack.

There's nothing wrong
with liking pancakes.

Why should you have
to suffer and spend

your whole life craving
something you can't have?

If I stay here, I'll never see
my aunts or my friends again.

Friends hurt you.
Friends cancel plans.

Pancakes don't.

And they smell delicious.

Why not take just one little bite?

Well, since the fork is here...

Oh, there it is:
the border to the mortal realm.

- Oh, we've made it.
MAN: Freeze.

Oh, like we could do
anything else in this weather.

- Where do you think you're going?
- To the mortal realm. To our home.

So we'll be on our way
and you can get back

to chasing Snidely Whiplash, okay?

Before I let you go,

I have to ask questions
about the mortal realm

to prove you live there.
Standard procedure.

Fire away. I do have three Ph.Ds.

What are the names
of the Hanson brothers?

Who?

Isaac, Zachary and Taylor.

What actor from Marcus Welby
just married Barbra Streisand?

- Ooh, ooh. Robert Young.
- James Brolin.

- Sports. Who's the best--?
- Michael Jordan.

- Correct. You can go.
- Yes!

- Oh, not you. Her.
- But-- But--

You didn't answer one question. There's
no way you live in the mortal realm.

But I do. I-- I know who wrote
Pride and Prejudice.

I-- I know who--
Who discovered the uranium isotope.

Nobody in the mortal realm
knows those.

- Hilda!
- I'll help you, Zelda.

Go back to the bar
and wait for me. You'll be okay.

Tonight's ladies' night,
and you'll be the only lady.

[CHANTING]
Eat, eat, eat.

Eat, eat, eat.

Eat, eat, eat...

HILDA:
Sabrina?

Sabrina?

There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.

Sabrina.

It's okay. It's Aunt Hilda.

- Is it over?
- There's only one way to be sure.

- No.
- Oh, very good.

- So how do you feel?
- Like I want pancakes.

But I guess that's how
I'm always gonna feel.

I'll just have to take it
one day at a time.

I'm so proud of you.

I should start getting
my life back together.

- I'm off to the mall.
- Not so fast.

If Aunt Zelda were here

she'd give you
some kind of parental lecture,

but because she's still waiting
for me to save her, I'll have to fill in.

Um, Sabrina, you--

Should listen to you guys
and trust your advice.

Right. And--

Realise that it's easier to solve
problems when I ask for help.

Exactly. And always--

Know that my family is there for me.

Right. Man, I am good.

ZELDA:
Sabrina! Hilda! Come quick!

[ZELDA GRUNTING]

I guess it's time to put chains
on this hamper.

Aunt Zelda, you escaped.

How did you get oot? I mean, out?

I was sitting there, waiting for you,
in that awful saloon when...

MAN [ON TV]:
Down the right wing,

he's got a man open,
crosses the blue line.

He's looking for a shot.

Oh, I don't know how many of you

are familiar with Swan Lake, but--

[GLASS BREAKING
AND MEN BOOING]

And the next thing I know,
I was being tossed across the border.

- But Sabrina, how are you?
- Oh, I'm fine.

Aunt Hilda helped me through it.

Oh, well, I'm glad
Hilda helped someone.

I'm just glad not to be
hallucinating anymore.

Oh, hi, Mrs. M.

Who is she talking to?

I was-- She was--

[SIGHS]

Hard day.

Lots of sugar.

[SLURRING]
You know what, Charlie?

You're my only friend.

[CRYING]

You're my only friend
in the whole wide world.

SABRINA:
Salem,

how many catnip mai tais
have you had?

- What's it to you?
- Salem, this has gone too far.

Your litter box is a mess.

You can't keep your cat food down.

You owe money to pet stores
all over town.

You have to admit you've become
powerless over catnip.

That your life has
become unmanageable.

You know what, Sabrina?

You're my only friend

in this whole wide world.

Let's get you home before
you start singing show tunes.

SALEM:
My mother was a saint.

I could take anyone in this place.

Come on!