03x07 - You Bet Your Family

[bunniefuu]

You pays your money and you
takes your chances, Rusty.

Bite me. You've been lucky all night.

That's Lucky over there,
with the poker face.

- Uh-huh.
- What do you got?

Just deal.

[LUCKY LAUGHING]

Ah-ha.

- I'll call.
- A pair of eights.

Three of a kind. Come to Papa!

- Oh, no, not again.
- How does he do it?

- It's like he's got radar or something.
- Yep.

Rusty, there's a coaster right there.
Is it so hard to put your beer on it?

- Sorry.
- God, it stinks in here.

Don't you guys know
how bad smoking is for you?

ALL:
Hey! Easy! Easy!

Okay, that does it.

From now on,
we play at Lassie's house.

Pick me! Pick me!

SABRINA:
Well, thanks for listening.

I know the results of my Sassy quiz
can't be all that interesting.

Sure they are.

Now, how did you score
on sassitude?

[CHATTERING]

Ever get the feeling
you're missing something?

- Hey, what's going on?
- Libby just pulled up in her new car.

Libby has wheelage?

Well, it's nice to know that
good things happen to horrible people.

I know everyone
is going to want a ride,

so I should warn you,

the selection process
will be Darwinian,

survival of the cutest.

Can you believe the way
everyone's worshiping her?

- Let's just ignore her.
- Okay, so, um...

Why do you think you scored
so low on that quiz?

I gotta tell you, I think you are
the kind of girl that other girls respect.

Thanks. You really wanna look
at the car, don't you?

- Do you mind?
- It's your DNA talking.

I understand.

Hello, Roast Beef?
This is Katmandu.

Give me ten cans of tuna
on the Seahawks,

and I'll call you before
post time at Pimlico.

Later.

Salem, I thought I told you
gambling is illegal in my living room.

I'm on a roll, slim.
This is my shot at some real action.

Not just fleecing
the neighbourhood cats in Boggle.

What, bingo at Our Lady
of Perpetual Sorrow?

Try the hippest poker game
in the Other Realm,

hosted by none other
than Diamond Dave LaRouche.

- The Diamond Dave?
- Born to misbehave.

The wiliest gambler
west of the crack in time?

- He the man.
- Absolutely not.

Oh, yeah-- Huh?

Salem, you know I despise gambling.
It's throwing away good money.

Besides, no one wins
against Diamond Dave.

But I'm red hot. Not even double D
can stop this streak.

- Please.
- The subject is closed.

Besides, you can't get
to the Other Realm on your own,

- so you might as well forget about it.
- I'll buy you something pretty.

STUDENT:
Cool car, Libby.

People are acting like Libby's dad
bought her a shuttle.

- It's just a car!
- Convertible.

With the CD player in the trunk.

All the controls
are on the steering wheel.

You're not helping.

You guys hear about the class trip
to the Celtics game?

Let me guess. Your dad
bought you the Celtics too?

Nice try, Freaka, warrior princess.

I was just wondering
if Harvey needed a ride.

Don't you have to take
the bus to those things?

Not if you have a car.

The school bus is gonna look
like a magnet school for losers.

Well, that's why we were gonna
take Harvey's car, right?

Right. Except it's up on blocks.

For how long?

You can count on it for graduation.

Well, I'll be saving shotgun
for you, Harvey.

And Claude the bus driver
will be saving shotgun for you.

We have got to get a car.

Do you realise what this stamped
and sealed envelope represents?

Yet another unrequited love letter
to Robert Downey Jr.?

You are incorrect.

This is the final mortgage payment
on our house.

You're kidding! It's really ours now?

Yep, electrical work that's not
up to code and all.

[BOTH CHEERING]

Let me guess. It's double coupon
day at the market?

- Honey, we paid off the house.
- It's really ours now!

Woo-hoo!

Wait a minute! That's great!

Now that you have
some free cash lying around,

you can take on car payments
for your favourite niece.

Not gonna happen.

But come on! Don't quit!
We're jumping, it's a great day.

Sabrina, we've been
over this a hundred times.

You're not responsible enough
for a car yet.

Well, the least you could do
is let me borrow your car

for the Tuesday field trip.

Oh, we can't. A group
of scientists are gonna

line our cars up and floor them,

to see if we can reverse
the Earth's rotation.

Just an excuse to meet people,
but I made a commitment.

I'd trade all my magical powers
for an ' LeBaron with low mileage.

Sabrina, most kids
in high school don't have cars

- and they do just fine.
- The bus will be fun.

Fine. But bear in mind
that a car is less expensive

than a lifetime of psychotherapy.

You didn't see me.

Well, you're kind of hard to miss
in your Sunday-go-to-meeting suit.

Don't tell the brain trust downstairs,
but I've been invited to play poker

at Diamond Dave's high-roller suite.

- And that's a good thing?
- Are you kidding?

This is my chance to pocket
some serious simoleons,

greenbacks, dinero, moola,
shekels, scratch, wampum...

- And those are...?
- Money, baby.

Oh.

- Oh, hey, could you buy me a car?
- Page me next week.

Right now I need every penny
to play the legend.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Mr. Saberhagen?

Ah. Homina, homina, homina.

Welcome to what we
at Diamond Dave's

- call "VIP plus."
SALEM: Finally!

I'm gonna get comped!

Good luck. And buy me a car
when you come back.

SALEM:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you gals
make your own costumes?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

I bet she has a car.

Guess I'll just have to
conjure up the car myself.

Okay, let's see.
Essence of tyre burn.

Myrrh.

And STP, "The Racer's Edge."

Yes!

Let's see how popular
Libby is when I'm mobile.

[CAR KEYS BEEP]

No!

I told you it was a good idea to activate
that uninsured teen driver block.

Sabrina, it's just a bus.

Well, can't I tap into my college fund?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON PIANO]

Four of a kind.

Well, what do you know?

A royal flush.

- Gee, that sounds better.
- It is.

That's the fifth straight hand
you've won.

That's why they call him
Diamond Dave.

Not Amber Dave,
not Aquamarine Dave.

"Diamond Dave."

And that's why
I can afford to have a butler

who sits on his butt when
my Fanta needs refreshing.

Right, boss.

Are you sure
you don't want a break?

Are you nuts? Now I've got you
right where I want you.

The game is high-low
criss-cross Mexican stud poker,

deuces and bugs are wild.

Did you catch any of that?

[CRYING]

Number three was the lightest
pencil I could find.

Maybe if I don't press too hard,
people won't notice.

The trip is next week, people,
so it's crunch time for those of you

who haven't purchased gifts yet.

Have you made up your mind, Harvey?

Thanks, Libby, but I

really had my heart set on the bus.

Suit yourself. I'll try not to g*n it
as I pass you on the thruway.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

Thanks, Harvey.
That was really nice of you.

Hey, if we're on the bus,
then the bus is the cool way

to go to the field trip.

Well, you know it doesn't work
that way, but thanks.

But I thought
a face card beats an eight.

But, Salem, eights are wild.

[SALEM WHIMPERS]

Five-card draw. Ante up.

Last chip, last chance.

Huh. Oh, yeah!

You are not gonna believe this hand!

Just bend over and kiss my furry--

I believe it's your turn.

And I believe I'm gonna raise you.

Unbelievable.

I finally get a winner, and I can't raise.

I've given you everything I own.
My traveller's cheques,

my X-Men number one
in near-mint condition,

my Beanie Babies.
I'm tapped out.

Well, I'd really like
to work with you here.

Do you own any property?

Hmm.

SABRINA:
This brown one would be good.

Or maybe this beige one.

I like the beige one.
It brings out your immaturity.

Immature? My life is over, people!

[SALEM CRYING]

Where's your medallion, Salem?

Diamond Dave said
he could melt it down

and sell the gold to a dentist.

Tell me you didn't play him.

Kind of, sort of. And I got
into a little trouble.

See, I kind of bet something
that wasn't mine to bet.

More like...

Well, actually, it was yours.
Kind of a big thing.

Please tell me
you didn't bet the house.

How do I say this?
Oh, boy, I'm feeling woozy.

SALEM: Okay.
- Did you bet this house?

Well, no.

Actually, I bet

you.

They seemed to take that pretty well.

Did you guys paint the piano?

Ah, ladies, welcome
to the gaming floor.

- Diamond Dave.
- You mean, Salem bet us?

- And lost?
- Oh, this is absurd.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Your magic's no good here,
and neither is your credit.

I won you fair and square
in a game of Texas hold'em.

A game sanctioned by the Other Realm
Bureau of Gaming and Fishing.

For the next years,
you'll be doing menial jobs for me.

And Diamond Dave likes
things done the mortal way.

You will be my new cook.

That cat is going
straight to the pound.

And you are my new maid!

That cat is going straight
to a violin factory.

And you-- You will be my new
personal assistant.

Wait! You can't keep us here.

I have a life and--
And a boyfriend, and--

Did I happen to mention the job
includes driving my Porsche?

Woo-hoo!

No fair. She got a cute uniform.

It's my business to be popular.

You ladies are
now part of that formula,

and I like my ladies upbeat and zesty.

We are cleaning, and we are smiling.

I'd like to start with a light meal,

burnt bacon, peanut butter,
four bananas, hand-mashed in a bowl.

Would you like a spoon
or a straw with that?

In the grotto, and today, cookie.

Everybody heard that?
I get to drive a Porsche, right?

He called me "cookie."
We've got to find a way out,

and, of course, Salem will help.

[SALEM GRUNTS]

SALEM:
I'm okay!

That was so much fun.

Not bad for my first time
driving stick, huh?

I'll be in the grotto
until the guests arrive,

and what do we say, Hilda,
when I come home?

- Evening, governor.
- Needs work.

Diamond Dave wasn't kidding
when he said he was popular.

It's like driving around with the pope.

People fawning all over you
is very overrated.

I don't need that kind of attention,
as I pointed out on my website.

He's starting to remind me of Libby.

I'm starting to think that money
is the root of all popularity.

Don't forget fear.

Well, Libby has that too.

Sabrina, money is just
a shortcut to popularity,

and shortcuts never work.

Well, they do for Diamond Dave.

You look awful. What's the matter?

Oh, something to do with chitlins.

Look, I have a plan
to get us out of here.

I want each of you to get me two
of the ingredients on this list.

But we can't use magic.

Our fingers may have crapped out,
but we can make a sleeping potion,

and I'll mix it into Diamond
Dave's next culinary atrocity.

If it works, we can make a break for it
while he and C.K. are zonked out.

I am so in.

Did I mention I'm driving a Porsche?

Okay, I'm in too.

ZELDA [VOICE-OVER]:
All we need is the feather of a fowl,

preferably ostrich or emu.

Two ounces of chlorophyll.

A tad of faux animal fur.

Try not to damage the coat
when you take it.

Some body hair,
the coarser the better.

And top it off with a little
alcohol for flavour.

Toss in a little more
of that comb cleaner.

One sip of this,
and he'll be out for a week.

And I haven't even added
the nose hairs yet.

[CACKLING]

Shh. It's only natural

to get carried away when we're
gathered over a cauldron.

But remember, this potion
is our last resort.

I'm still hoping Salem will save us.

Woo, doggie! Yee-haw!

[SALEM CRYING]

Okay, I've had my fun.
Now I've got a family to save.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ooh, my wontons.

I have to say, you gals
are doing a stellar job.

C.K., if I were you, I would definitely
be hearing footsteps.

That's a good one, double D.

[GIGGLES]

Okay, who's ready for some tongue,
mini-marshmallow and yam soup?

Just like Mama used to make.
Zelda, the grub has been magnifico,

but, you know, I've been
thinking of making Hilda

my official food taster.

What? And deprive you?

Well, I've been
so hot at the tables recently,

you never know who might be
messing with my lucky meals,

and we might as well start
with a steaming bowl of tongue.

But C.K. has seniority.

Yeah, he should have the honour.

That bum? I give him a gift
every day I don't can him.

I think I'm starting to see
a pattern in your humour.

Here. You've earned it, Hilda.

Go ahead, unless there's
something wrong with it.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, you know what? It's chunky style.
That's my favourite.

DAVE:
Uh-huh.

I find that highly suspicious.

She's tired.

- She's been working really hard.
- Yeah.

Don't let us interrupt your dinner.

You witches dosed my dinner.

Does this mean I get
to cook for you again?

Nice try, ladies.

I hope you enjoy your new job,
manning the septic t*nk.

I still get to drive the Porsche, right?

[SNORING]

[SCREAMS]

What? Oh, man!

I dreamt I was out of food.

Woo.

Check out all the dead soldiers.

Wait a minute. I am out of food.

Now I've really gotta save them!

Whoa. Easy on the bunion, princess.

When you're done,
use the clear polish.

Not that frosty stuff
you used last time.

It's called Lady Meringue.

Can I get you anything?

How about a friend to watch my back?

Double D, I said I was sorry
about the food thing.

"The food thing?" You mean
the attempt to poison me?

Why would I wanna hurt you?
You're my oldest friend.

He's your oldest friend?

We went to school together.
I gave him a kidney.

He gave you a kidney?

What did I say when we signed
the release forms?

- No guilt trips.
- Come on, Dave.

- You're fired.
C.K.: But, Dave--

You heard me. Now mush.

If that's the way you want it.

But just remember this.

The only reason you aren't alone
in this house

is because you're good
with a deck of cards.

As a human being,
you're strictly an amateur.

Well, you know what?
That kidney you gave me

isn't exactly a Cadillac.

How could you do that to C.K.?

I mean, he may be a kiss-up
with no personality,

but he's your friend.

Sabrina, as long as I have money,
I'll have friends.

But they aren't real friends.

And you're not really a butler,

but you'll be doing C.K.'s job
from now on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You can start
by answering the doorbell.

[SCOFFS]

Diamond Dave?
Allow me to introduce

Mr. Catchow, an incredibly
irresponsible Asian gambler.

Me crazy for Pai Gow.

[SALEM SCREAMING]

- What was that?
- Oh, look, a putty tat.

The potion still hasn't worn off.

What exactly was your plan?

Um... This is pretty much it.

I figured once I got inside,
I'd get inspired.

Perfect.

Now you're all mine.

And I got myself
a new shoe buffer.

[SALEM CRYING]

Excuse me. I'm sorry.
This is hugely unfair.

We can't be held responsible
for anything

that a professional gambler
wins from a common house pet.

A house pet who's rated
by Caesars Palace.

How about a game, just you and me?

If I win, we all get to go home.

And if you lose?

We'll stay for years
and clean your garage.

Sabrina, no, we're witches.

Twenty years is a drop
in the bucket to us.

It may take Hilda that long
to straighten up.

You look so familiar to me.

Sit like a lady, dear.

Sabrina, I'll see your bet,
and raise you.

If I win, you all stay here
with me forever.

- Done.
- Poker?

No. My game.

- Chutes and Ladders?
- My game, my rules.

- Only if I get to be Butch.
- Done.

--Four, five, six.

One, two-- sh**t. A chute.

I haven't lost this game since
kindergarten. I ain't gonna start now.

We did say two out of three, right?

I am so close to the winner's circle,
I can smell the champagne.

Sabrina, that has to be
your last chute.

It's not like I'm doing this
on purpose, Aunt Zelda.

Yes!

Six sweet steps to victory.
Oh, the glory of it all.

I can't believe it. This is my game!

- Not anymore, kid.
- It's all right, Sabrina.

You played great.

And it's not like forever lasts--

Oh, dear lord, forever.

Is the room spinning or is it me?

She's having a reaction
to the potion.

Hey, Saint Vitus' dance,
take it outside.

You know what, big shot?

I spit in your grotto.

I think we need to put some
coffee on for Aunt Tipsy.

You know what? I never liked you,
and your cleft really bugs me.

Oh, dear. Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.
I'm so sorry, Diamond--

Is it me, or is Diamond Dave
slumped over the table breathing

yet clearly unconscious?

That's a pretty fair assessment.

Hey! Look, he had extra dice
up his sleeve, and it's all sixes.

- No wonder he always won.
- Let's get out of here.

SALEM: He must have cheated
with me too.

I was robbed!

I should at least get the Leroy
Neiman painting as compensation.

Ow. My head!

I said I was super-sorry.

If I say it again,
will you save my racing forms?

No.

You're not even allowed
to watch Wheel of Fortune.

Morning. I'm late. I promise to eat
all the unbruised parts on the bus.

Are you gonna be okay
about taking the bus to the field trip?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

You know, after a week
at Diamond Dave's,

I can honestly say that I do not want
to be like Libby.

It's not money that makes you happy.
It's friends like Harvey,

who ride the stupid loser bus
with you.

Oh, we're so glad you see that.
Aren't we, Hilda?

Ow.

One more thing before you go.

- You're k*lling me here.
- Oh, I think you'll make it on time.

We decided you deserved
a little reward

for having such a good attitude.
But just for today.

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

What are you,
a secret agent or something?

- Hop in.
- Hey, check out Sabrina's ride.

Where did you get that?

Oh, my aunt's waggon broke down.
This is a loaner.

I'd offer rides, but it's a two-seater.

- Hey, where are you going?
- I think the bus is coming.

If I'm not gonna ride in a Porsche,
what's the difference?

But I have an opening.
Next to an air bag.

Come back!

We'll try not to g*n it
when we pass you on the thruway.

Any threes?

Go fish.

Any fives?

Yes, and I had my heart set
on that new can of tennis balls.

Uh. Read them and weep.
Pay the lady.

- My wife's gonna k*ll me.
- Hey, I won fair and square,

and I'm taking my winnings.

[ALL GRUMBLING]

And buying you all rawhide treats.

God bless this woman.

ALL: All right! Yeah.
- Okay, settle down.