03x08 - And the Sabrina Goes To...

[bunniefuu]

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

Wow, all this just because I finished
my invention for school?

You shouldn't have.

Even though I did spend
three weeks working on it,

not to mention missing
The English Patient on HBO times.

Cool your jets, Edison.
The horns don't toot for you.

This is for our cousin Larry.

- What did he invent?
- Nothing.

But cousin Larry has come to expect
some fanfare

since he became
an Other Realm emperor.

He has his own country,
I get dirty looks

for taking up too much couch space.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

ZELDA:
Here he comes.

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

Zelda. What a delight.

This must be Sabrina.

- Kiss my ring.
- But I hardly know it.

I can't wait to talk to you
about the family--

[TRUMPETS PLAYING]

I have a--

[TRUMPETS CONTINUE PLAYING]

Two witches walk into a bar.
Stop me if you've heard this one.

So where is your lovely sister?

She's at her high school
equivalency reunion.

They hold it every year. At Costco.

Oh, I'm gonna be late
for my symposium in the Other Realm.

I've proved yet another
unsolvable theorem.

Yes, well, before you go,

I must tell you, I've discovered
a very curious fact.

You're your own grandpa?

I found out that Zelda
is the rincess of Massapequa Park.

The country that borders
my country, Massapequa.

Aunt Zelda's a princess?

Not puh, just er.

Really tiny countries
can't afford a whole princess.

Okay, but nonetheless, Aunt Zelda,

there's a whole country for you
to run, and me to inherit.

SALEM:
Back off, Napoleon.

Zelda promised me my own
sovereign state for my birthday.

Or was it a chew toy?

We witches live so long that we
constantly accumulate useless land.

Just last week, I found out
I own a driveway in Ashtabula.

Would you like me to take
the country off your hands?

- Would you?
- I've got the papers right here.

Just one little signature.

If you press really hard.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to sign these
after my symposium.

So, Sabrina, finally we get to talk
about the family secret.

I'd love to, Emperor Larry,
but I've gotta get to school.

Today's the invention fair,
and mine is really cool.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

I think I know the family secret:

Lack of proper excitement
over teenage achievements.

It's a combination
hairdryer-lipstick applicator.

Excellent. I see them in hotels
everywhere.

Except Europe,
where the current's weird.

- So, what does yours do?
- Oh.

It filters the water from the school's
water cooler, leaving only pure H O.

Watch.

[FOUNTAIN RATTLES]

Wow, the water's so pure,
I'm still thirsty.

- Sabrina.
- You're gonna win for sure.

Thanks. It's so nice to have
someone else excited about it.

My aunts didn't even care
that our tap water has radon.

All systems are go for the first-ever
pepperoni pizza putty prototype.

Does the pepperoni pizza
putty prototype have a point?

Say you order a plain cheese pizza
and it arrives with pepperoni.

Simply place the pepperoni pizza
putty prototype like so, and voilà.

Hey, it really works.

One question: why don't you just pick
the pepperoni off with your fingers?

What do I look like, an animal?

Valerie, I like your invention.

- Really?
- What about mine?

Excellent, as usual. Nice work.

Thank you.

[HAIR DRYER WHIRRING]

KRAFT:
Huh, swell.

Now I look like
one of Red Skelton's paintings.

Coming through.

Harvey, I think someone studied.

All right. C-plus.

B-minus. Yes! Once again,
I'm comfortably ensconced

in the middle of the bell curve.

All right, Valerie.

- I got an A.
- As usual.

Uh, Mrs. Quick, I'm not sure,
but is this an A?

Actually, it's an A-plus.
Now let's all turn to chapter .

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Just getting ready
for the millennium.

- Oh, I got third place.
SABRINA: That's great.

First! I got first place.

I got a green participant ribbon.

- Congratulations.
- I got third.

All right.

- And I got first.
- Knew it.

- I told you it was a good invention.
- Thank you.

[SABRINA CLEARING THROAT]

Well, nice work, Kinkle.

You're the only football player
to actually finish an invention.

- What about me?
- Hello.

Hey, Valerie.
I heard you got third.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Sabrina--
- Yes, I did.

- I mean, you go first.
- We're doing a walk for orphans.

- Do you wanna sign up?
- Why?

So I can do great,
be the best, walk the most

and have everyone ignore it?

Actually, it's so
the orphans can get cable.

Oh, hi, honey. I wasn't
expecting you home for lunch.

What's the matter?

I got an A-plus on a really hard test,
won a blue ribbon on my invention.

- Uh-huh. So, what's the problem?
- That. No one's excited.

Oh, honey, it's just that you get A's
and win things so often,

you can't expect a parade
every time.

How about one person walking by
with a hearty, "Well done"?

I, on the other hand,
solved an ancient math problem

and the Other Realm scientists
sat there like a group of mutes.

Of course, now that they're covered
with smallpox they might be livelier.

I would just like one person
to get a little keyed up.

Huh! Sabrina, did I dream it,
or did you win a blue ribbon?

Yes, I did.

Is that available for shredding?

This magic book is useless.

It shouldn't take this long
to find a quick fix.

What are you looking for?

When I go back to school,
I want my good work acknowledged.

But I haven't found anything
under awards, accolades,

prizes-- Not even lip service.

Check the recipe section.

Just do it. Do it.

- It's just desserts.
- Exactly.

That's what you want,
your just desserts.

Oh, I see.

"With one little bite
of this just dessert

you'll get the recognition
your good work deserves." Cool.

Wow. You're lucky.

When I was a witch,
just desserts was a prune.

[BELL CHIMES AND
THUNDER CRASHES]

An old prune.

Aunt Zelda,
this is Olga and Zampano

from your country
in the Other Realm.

What do they want?

Your greatness knows no bounds
oh, great rincess.

Seeing you brings honour
to my whole family.

I'm just guessing, but I'd say
they're here to worship you.

Okay, just dessert, I hope you
bring me praise and not just cavities.

Sabrina, you got an A
on your math test.

Hey, everyone, Sabrina got an A.

Sabrina also won the invention contest
or have you forgotten that?

Not at all. Look.

"In honour of Sabrina Spellman."
And I didn't even have to die.

Okay, okay. Everybody, attention.

Because of the outstanding work that
Sabrina has done on her schoolwork,

the school board has decided
that no existing grade is adequate.

So, Sabrina, we give you this:

[CHOIR SINGING MENDEL'S
"HALLELUJAH" OVER SPEAKERS]

Okay, I have to remember
to be modest and humble and...

Oh, the heck with it. This is great.

Thank you.

[ZELDA MOANS]

Oh, go on.

You couldn't admire all my work.

But we do, rincess.

Your face is on all our money.

We assume you
shaved your beard.

Ah, I thought I heard you, Zelda.

Ready to sign the papers?

You know what?

I think I'll hold on to my country.

Well, it's your country.

It's your choice.

- Right.
- Of course, this means w*r.

- What?
- Change your mind?

- No.
- Neither did I.

You promised me that country,
and I want it.

Prepare to fight.

Fine.

Would this be a good time
to discuss taxes?

How did your just desserts
turn out?

Great. But that little bit of acclaim
has given me quite a sweet tooth.

Don't do it, Sabrina.

You're only supposed
to eat one bite.

I know, I know,
but a couple more won't hurt.

[SABRINA CHEWING]

Sabrina...

Way to eat cake.

I can't believe I ate the whole cake.

Ooh, crumbs.

Whoa. Sabrina.

The way you closed your locker,
that was awesome.

Yeah, I'm thinking of going pro.

- Sabrina, do that again.
- Do what again?

That thing where you let oxygen into
your mouth and carbon dioxide out.

- You mean breathing?
- Yes. That's amazing.

Oh, there you go again.

Oh, you know me, I'm a fool
when it comes to keeping myself alive.

May I?

Zampano, you beast. It is mine.

You already have her napkin.

SALEM:
So, milady,

now that you and Emperor Larry
are at w*r,

might I suggest
you leave certain strategies

to Minister of Defence Saberhagen?

No, you mightn't suggest that.

You're not my minister of defence.

You're not involved in this
in any way. Scat.

This is going to be very awkward
to tell my staff.

Rincess Zelda, I am but a simple
peasant in roughly woven garments,

but may I be your footstool?

Well, okay.

But as long as you maintain
your dignity.

Obviously, when Zelda said, "scat,"

she was speaking in code.

Let's see, if I translate it
into Esperanto,

and back into Hebrew... Right.

I'm pretty sure she meant, "Destroy
Emperor Larry and all he holds dear,

so Salem can rule his country."

Give or take a letter or two.

As you all know, I was planning
to give you another test today,

but I've decided to skip the test
and just give Sabrina the A.

Really? Thank you.

I even bought party hats and trail mix,
so we can all celebrate Sabrina's A.

Hey, everybody.
They just declared peace in--

Excuse me, Sabrina got an A.

Wait a minute,
Sabrina got yet another A?

And-- And I don't have a hat.

[STUDENTS CLAPPING]

People who put fawning down
just aren't getting any.

[CHUCKLING]

I hope Emperor Larry
likes this sleeping potion,

because it's the last thing
he'll ever taste.

[CHUCKLING]

Salem, what are you doing?

Making s'mores.

Well, don't make a mess.

I've got battles to plan,
and I don't have time to clean.

Yeah, I'm making s'mores.

S'more poison for Emperor Larry.

[CHUCKLING]

Look, it's Sabrina, woo-hoo!

[SHOUTING AND CLAPPING]

[BAND PLAYING
MARCHING MUSIC]

- What's the parade for?
- If they can have a parade

honouring men
who have merely walked on the moon,

I think we can have one
honouring a little girl

who has done
her literature homework.

A letter from the Other Realm.

You could have just brought
the letter.

You didn't need to bring
the scalding toaster.

Oh, it's from the Witches' Council.

They wanna have a dinner honouring
my achievements in math and science.

That's wonderful.

But what is this math
and science of which you speak?

My work.
You said you admired all my work.

That we've seen so far.

Then you just adore me
because you think you should,

not because I deserve it.
I've got to find Emperor Larry.

[b*mb WHISTLING
AND EXPLODING]

Great. We're under attack.

This assembly was called
to honour everyone

who worked so hard
on the walk for orphans.

I didn't know there was an assembly.

But we've decided to turn it into the
first annual Sabrina Awards instead.

All right, show's over, do-gooders.
Take a seat. Go on.

Hit it.

[MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

S is because
She's so sublime

A is because
She's awesome all the time

B is because
She's the best babe in school

R because
she really makes me drool

And I is for
The icon she's become

N is because she's great
She makes me numb

And A, it's redundant to say

Is the great mark she gets every day
No matter how it's spelled

Sabrina is unparalleled

Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina, Sabrina
Sabrina

- Sa
- Bri

Na

[SHOUTING
AND CLAPPING]

Salem, I have to get in touch
with Emperor Larry.

I've made a huge mistake.

I wanted recognition.
I didn't care who--

SALEM:
Look out.

Duck.

Dive.

Salem, what is going on?

I set up a bunch of booby traps
for Emperor Larry.

Remember? You told me
to terminate with extreme prejudice.

- I never said that.
- Sure, nitpick.

Well, I am sure being here
at the first annual Sabrina Awards

means there is going to be lots
of entertainment tonight.

Jeez, who writes this garbage?

Well, that-- That would be me.

Um, it's you again.

And the nominees
for Best Relaxed Sabrina Moment are:

Sabrina eating lunch.

Sabrina leafing through
a magazine in Study Hall.

Sabrina humming
a Phantom Planet song

she heard on the radio that morning
and can't get out of her head.

Sabrina at this very moment.

And the Sabrina goes to...

Open it, open it, open it.

Oh, my goodness,
the Sabrina goes to Sabrina Spellman.

[SHOUTING
AND CLAPPING]

Oh, what a beautiful award.

Well, the Sabrinas
are such an honour,

and I'd just like to share this award

with everyone else
nominated in this category.

Thank you.

So Massapequa Park is all yours.

I surrender.

SALEM:
No.

[CHUCKLING]

Excellent.

- Can I make a quick call?
- Certainly.

If I can get my sentry
on the cell phone,

I might be able to call off
that napalm attack.

Rincess Zelda,
your scones are ready.

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I've decided to abdicate my throne.

- I blame you.
- No, no, no.

Look, maybe I should
go to my country,

and explain my decision
to the rest of the population.

- You mean Isadore?
- Is that the capital?

No. Isadore is a man.

The rest of the population, in fact.

You love him, don't you?

Only three people
live in my country?

Yes, and despite that,
parking is still a nightmare.

Come on. They're about to announce
another winner, and it could be you.

I'll tell you what,
why don't you go accept for me?

Oh, boy. I'll be sure to mention

that you're for Native Americans
and against fur. Okay.

Oh, Sabrina, congratulations.

I just knew you'd win
for Best Supporting Sabrina.

Gordie, you really worked hard
for those orphans, didn't you?

Well...

Ah, heck, not as hard as you did
on that Jumble this morning.

Well, I did use ink. But...

Well, I feel awful.

And the winner is...
Look at this, we have a tie.

Sabrina and Sabrina.

Stop it. Stop it.
Sit down, for crying out loud.

Look, all I wanted was a little
recognition for doing a good job.

But not at the expense
of those who are truly deserving.

So I'm giving all my Sabrinas to Gordie
and the other do-gooders.

[STUDENTS CLAPPING]

What's Sabrina doing?
This never happens

at the American Music Awards.

Cue the band. Cue the band.

So it turns out constant praise
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

From now on, all I want
my hard work to bring me

is a high school diploma,
admittance to a good college

and a high-paying job
with benefits.

But that's it.

I'm sorry.
I should have been more helpful.

If I hadn't been so busy
thinking about myself,

I would have remembered to tell you
that good work is its own reward.

But how do I end this spell now without
winning a Pulitzer for my book report?

Eat this and the spell
will be reversed.

- What is it?
- Humble pie.

Oh, that's awful.

Oh, I'll never get the taste
of humility out of my mouth.

Well, I'd love to sit and chat,

but I am being honoured
in the Other Realm.

Finally.

Excuse me, your majesty,

but it seems someone else
could use a piece of humble pie.

But it was a really hard problem.

Well, all right, but just a small piece.

Zelda, let me make one more plea for
rethinking this surrender foolishness.

I just know Larry's rear flank
is vulnerable.

Salem, as someone once said
to Alexander the Great:

have some pie.

[CRYING]

Another C-plus?

- Yes.
- Nice work, Harvey.

- B-minus.
- Nice work, Valerie.

- A.
- Nice work, Sabrina.

Once again, you get an A,
and nobody makes a big deal out of it.

Yes!

Next time, let's try to have a nice visit
without going into a state of w*r.

Well, it won't be as much fun,
but okay.

I almost forgot. For you, a horn.

Let me guess: it's weird, it makes
no sense, I don't know why I have it.

It must be a clue
to the family secret.

You have got great deductive
skill, Sabrina.

Maybe one day you can join
one of my secret death squads.

Huh.

He's kind of fun for a tyrant.
Will we see him again?

Probably at the post-w*r
reconstruction summit.

Somebody has to clean up
the punji sticks in our front yard.

Oh, Salem, did you get rid
of all those booby traps?

Absolutely.

What exactly happened
while I was at school today?