03x11 - Christmas Amnesia

[bunniefuu]

I'm never gonna get
these useless lights untangled.

SALEM:
Those lights aren't useless, Sabrina.

They probably grew up underprivileged
and never got a decent education.

Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas.

Is everyone feeling jolly?

I'm just gonna chop them up
into little pieces,

and leave them in a suitcase
by the highway.

I'm going to broaden
my definition of jolly,

and take that as a yes.

Well, the lawn is fully decorated
and awash in lights.

I even put red noses
on the flamingos.

- That is a pretty stupid outfit.
- Oh, yeah? Watch this.

So it's true.
Taste does skip a generation.

Sabrina, why aren't you wearing
the candy-cane outfit that I got you?

Self-respect.

Ooh, that's it.
I'm giving these lights the finger.

There.

Oh, Sabrina,
you didn't have to use magic.

The point of Christmas
isn't to have things perfect.

It's to spend time with your family.

And frustration and cursing
are just part of the joy.

- Uh-oh. Circuit overload.
HILDA: Uh-huh.

- Who's the stupid one now?
- Still you.

Wanna play some reindeer games?

SALEM: Look, the new
' snowboards are sleeker, sturdier

and faster than ever.

We know you want a snowboard,
Salem.

And the threatening letters
are not helping your case.

Love this line,
"Makes a perfect Christmas gift."

Man, that's good writing.

Wasn't the lawn, the roof,
the living room enough?

I mean, does our garbage disposal
really have to be festive?

Sabrina, you are a regular
Charlie I-Hate-Christmas this year.

- What gives?
- I like Christmas.

It's the constant need for family fun
that's bringing me down.

Come on, get in the spirit.

Look at all those lights up there.

People are in the holiday spirit
all over the world.

Look, there's our house,
the brightest one of all.

I knew the all-neon Nativity scene
would put us over the top.

Unfortunately,
truckers keep stopping here for gas.

It's an invitation
to a Christmas Eve party.

Wow, it's at The Cauldron,

the hippest, most exclusive club
in the Other Realm.

But Christmas Eve is the night
we have our family dinner.

And that differs
from every other night how?

We use the good china.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

This is my mom. She came all the way
from Terre Haute

to spend Christmas with me.

And in honour of her visit,
I'm cancelling all tests today.

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

- Hey. Merry Christmas.
HARVEY: Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, if you're into hyperbole.
- What's wrong?

Why is everyone so darn happy?

Well, my mom's morning sickness
is over,

which means we'll be allowed
to have gravy at Christmas.

Ooh, the whole family
sitting around the table,

slurping up thickened
turkey drippings.

That sure says Christmas to me.

- I know.
- Hey, and guess what.

My aunt just hired me at her boutique,
and so far I don't stink.

Ever heard of nepotism?

Jeez, Sabrina,
you're being a real Charlie Downer.

Hey, this'll cheer you up.

Fred Exley just invited us
to his Christmas party.

I could use a night away
from my aunts.

We must have done everything
Christmassy by now.

But you promised us
that tonight you'd come a-carolling.

- But I'd really rather go a-partying.
- But you promised.

Fine, I'll go don my gay apparel.

Is it just me, or have we been
stringing popcorn for hours

and getting nowhere?

[SALEM SWALLOWS]

Salem.

I'm only eating the popcorn

because it helps me
get the string down.

- Well, what song shall we start with?
- Anything dirge-like.

[SINGING]
'Tis the season to be jolly

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Aah!

- What are you guys doing here?
- This is where the party is.

And we all came outside
to make fun of the carolers,

but now that we see it's you...

Help me out here, Valerie.

They're making snowballs
out back. Run.

We'll try and hold them off.

We'll tell them you're lepers. Go.

- A party? What fun.
- I bet they've got wassail.

No, no. We don't have time.
I have to get to reconstructive surgery.

You know what?
I don't think she's getting any better.

We've just got to double our efforts.

SALEM:
It's Christmas Eve. Everyone is out.

Time to see if there's a snowboard
for Salem.

This could be it.

Great. No snowboard.

Huh?

But that's kind of
snowboardy-shaped.

[LOCK CLICKING]

Um, uh... Hurry. We've been terrorised
by the unwrapping bandit.

I must go call the police.

Salem unwrap his presents again?

You expected this year
to be different?

Wasn't that genius?
The music. The costumes.

The spectacle. It was sublime.

Didn't you think so, Sabrina?

Maybe I'm a little too old
for Rugrats on Ice.

- Triple our efforts?
- I vote for giving up.

What's this?

Some delivery guy
from the Other Realm dropped it off.

I didn't pay attention
because it had nothing to do

with things that go fast in snow.

VOICE:
Yo, what's up?

[RAPPING]
There's a Christmas Eve party

In the Other Realm

There's some cool party people
Who are at the helm

You're sitting in the house
And it's already started

You was invited, girl
Why ain't you departed?

[RECORD SCRATCHING]

- Peace.
- Oh, man.

The Other Realm
Christmas Eve party.

If only I could get a little
downtime from my aunts.

But I know they'll say no.

- Yes.
- Really?

Sabrina, we've done everything we can
think of to put you in the holiday spirit.

If you don't wanna eat
Christmas Eve dinner with us,

then you should go.

She could have said goodbye.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- This is a private party.
- I'm Sabrina Spellman. I was invited.

Really?

I don't see your name
on this list.

Trying to zap our name on this list,
are we?

You are so bridge-and-tunnel.

Take her away.

- But...
- Wait. I invited her.

You invited her?

Well, Harrison,
if you say she's cool...

She's very cool.

It's your job to know who's cool.

I'm sorry, Sabrina. I didn't mean to...
I mean, I thought that...

If only I had...

I mean...

[SIGHS]

I'm Harrison. I organise
the exclusive theme parties

here at The Cauldron Club.

Oh, I love this place.
Finally no red and green.

You're exactly the kind of person
we wanted at this party.

Wait a minute,
this isn't about selling Herbalife, is it?

No, no, you're here because you hate
all that family Christmas stuff,

and so does everyone else
we invited.

Well, I don't hate it all.

The presents are nice.

Here, take a shot.

Ooh! I got him right in the eye.

When you hit the other eye,
it actually bleeds.

- How about that?
SABRINA: A reindeer piñata?

PIÑATA: Oh, my spine. Tell Blitzen
I love him. No, not the nose.

- Oh, that just seems wrong.
- I knew you'd like it.

Come over here.

It's a satellite feed
of families in the mortal realm

celebrating Christmas Eve
at this very moment.

It's priceless stuff.

Well, I'm really not into all this.

I mean, you know,
not all traditions are bad.

For example, I like the tradition of

not doing this stuff.

[HARRISON LAUGHS]

Look at these two broads.

Have you ever seen anything
more pathetic?

Let's make it more pathetic.

SABRINA'S VOICE:
Aunt Hilda? Aunt Zelda?

- It's Sabrina.
- She's come home for Christmas.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Oh. It's just the wind.

Those are my aunts.

And none of you are worthy
to gaze upon them,

you hipper-than-thou,
tragically trendy,

irony-addicted, snide,
smirking, jaded jerks.

- Give me that.
- Not the remote.

You're not nearly as cool
as I thought you were.

Well, I consider that
a huge compliment.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to get back to my "pathetic" Christmas.

How could you let Sabrina in here?

Your job is to keep
the uncool people out.

But you said...

And then I thought...

And then...

[SIGHS]

Aunt Hilda. Aunt Zelda.
I've finally decided after all that--

MAN [ON TV]:
With our contestants on-stage.

What we're looking for is...

What happened
to all the decorations?

- And your holiday dinner?
- Holiday? What holiday?

- Christmas?
- Christmas? What's Christmas?

I get it. You guys zapped away
all the decorations to make a point.

Okay, I've learned my lesson.

Now, let's go have our
traditional Christmas Eve dinner,

and watch It's a Wonderful Life.

What is that? One of those new
teen-slasher movies?

Sabrina, you can't stay up late
and watch TV.

- It's a school night.
- But tomorrow's December th.

I know, the start of midterms.

Oh, man, you guys aren't joking,
are you?

Come on, Christmas? Santa Claus?
Reindeer? Little drummer boys?

If you're trying to convince us
that you have a fever,

it's not working.

Most delusions are more coherent.

I admit we could all use a break,

but luckily summer vacation
is only seven months away.

And you need your rest.
Good night, Sabrina.

Good night.

And merry Christmas.

Christmas?

Do you think she's spending
too much time on the Internet?

Sabrina, what happened
to Christmas?

Salem, you remember?

Whatever spell you've enacted
doesn't affect witch familiars.

- I enacted?
- I'm guessing

you must have done something
at that party in the Other Realm.

All I did was turn off the TV
and storm out.

That wouldn't do anything.

Unless you used the remote
and hit the erase button.

I did use the remote
and I might have hit erase.

Oh, no. It's gone.
You've erased Christmas.

It was my favourite
gift-getting holiday.

Wait a minute.
We're jumping to conclusions.

I mean, maybe I didn't erase
Christmas for the whole world.

Let's check.

Do you think maybe in a minute,
the lights will go on,

and the whole world
will yell "gotcha"?

Sabrina, if you don't reverse
the spell in hours,

Christmas will be erased
permanently.

- How do you know that?
- Years ago, I was at a party

in the Other Realm
and I erased Bobunk.

- I've never heard of it.
- That's my point.

I never did figure out
how to reverse the spell,

and Bobunk was gone forever.

Ah, the days of Bobunk.

Salem, I've got to find a way
to bring the spirit of Christmas back.

Maybe if I start
doing Christmassy things,

people will start to remember.

- That didn't work with Bobunk.
- Stop saying Bobunk.

- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, that again.

I'm sorry, I'm not up
on the current hip lingo.

I made you breakfast.
We've got delicious Christmas food.

Here. Some eggnog, a candy cane.
Give it a try.

Oh! Oh, that is disgusting.
Who ever heard of drinking an egg?

- Aah! Oh, I think I chipped my tooth.
- I think I'm gonna be sick.

Feliz Navidad.

Merry December th, everyone.

Hey, guys. There you go.

What's this for?

It's December th, a day to celebrate
and feel merry, right?

Are you kidding me?
My aunt just fired me from her store.

She said it's her slow time
of the year.

Now what am I gonna do
for money?

Thanks, Sabrina.

Hey, I'll sell you this for bucks.

No, thanks. My allowance got cut,

because my dad's
exterminating business isn't doing well.

Nobody has parties this time of year,
so people don't care

if their homes
are riddled with insects.

- Oh, Mrs. Quick, I got you a present.
- Don't try and butter me up, Sabrina.

We're having that midterm today.

It'll do my heart good
to watch the weaker brains explode

in a flashy, fiery eruption.

Mrs. Quick, this isn't like you.

Oh, you try working September
to June without a break!

I miss my family.

Would a tie cheer you up?

[SINGING]
Silent night, holy night

QUICK:
Sabrina?

Stop that.
We need complete silence.

Well, that's why I thought "Silent Night"
would be appropriate.

- Never heard of that song.
- Is it on the new Céline Dion album?

Please be quiet,
and get back to your tests.

HARVEY:
Open up. We want lunch.

In the name of all
that is greasy and deep-fried,

open this door.

Ah. If Charles Dickens' A Christmas
Carol doesn't jog people's memories,

nothing will.

Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge.

I am your partner, Jacob Marley.

You'll be visited by three ghosts.

See, this is because she's hungry.

Why would somebody cut down
a perfectly good tree,

and bring it indoors?

Bah! Humbug.

Please go away.

God bless us, everyone.

Sabrina, I'm afraid you're suspended

until the proper
mental-health professionals

have been contacted.

But no one's had
their Christmas goose.

Anybody wanna sit on my lap?
It could bring back a beloved holiday.

Hey, little girl, wanna sit on my lap?

You could tell me all the presents
you want.

Come on, sit on my lap.

Come on, how could it hurt?
Sit on my lap.

- I said sit on my freaking lap.
- Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.

Oh, I can explain. See, she was--

And it's because I--

[SABRINA GROANS]

Is this your niece?

- I'm not sure.
- She was at Grafton's store

causing a major disturbance.

I was gonna arrest her,
but I decided to bring her here,

and put her in your custody.

Because you're so full
of the holiday spirit?

She's talking crazy.
Merry this, happy that.

If I were you, I'd check her urine.

- Time's running out. I feel terrible.
- You?

Did you see the size
of that snowboard?

I've gotta find someone,
anyone in this world,

who remembers Christmas.

How about Father Christmas?

- Is he real?
- As real as actual Christmas.

I guess right now
that's not such a good example.

See if he's in the Witch pink pages.

He's listed.

You're lucky.
There was no Father Bobunk.

- Father Christmas?
- Hm?

I'm Sabrina Spellman,
the girl who erased Christmas.

- Please don't be mad.
- Ho! Mad?

My dear girl, thanks to you,

we're having our very first
real family vacation.

My wife, Mumsy Christmas,

and the little tykes,
our grandchildren:

Binky, Bunny,

Boopsie, Winnie,

Minnie, Mopsy,

and Fred.

Isn't Christmas important?

But so is spending time
with your family, eh?

Look how many fish I've caught, eh?

After a time one does get used
to the smell.

But couldn't you help me get
Christmas back? I mean, as a favour?

I didn't wanna mention this,
but my country did save your butt

during World w*r II.

I am afraid I can't help you, Sabrina.

Only you can undo
what you've done.

- Thanks, anyway.
- Mm-hm. Ta-ta.

And I'd put some sun block
on these pasty kids.

SALEM:
No Christmas.

No hope for mankind,
and you didn't even bring me a fish?

It's : . Christmas is
almost gone for good.

Maybe now Arbor Day
will come into its own.

We're going to the pharmacy.

It's the perfect time of year
to wait in a prescription line.

SALEM:
It's snowing really fiercely out there.

Conditions are hazardous
and life-threatening.

Pick me up
a NutRageous bar, okay?

Salem's right.
It's really coming down out there.

Well, I suppose I can wait another day
to get my face cream.

No comments
from the peanut gallery.

Honey, are you okay?
We've been worried about you.

I've been realising that there are things
you don't miss until they're gone.

SALEM:
Like a snowboard.

- Hey.
- Ooh.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Someone's gonna end up crying.
Probably me.

I'm starving.

Last one to the kitchen
makes the sandwiches.

You're last.

- No, you're last.
- Let's ask the judges.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

You're both last.

Fine, Aunt Hilda and I
will both make the sandwiches.

I'll take tuna.

Hey.

ZELDA: Ladies, not again.
- Yes!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Dive. Dive.

Oh. I'm still hungry.

Fine. You guys clean up,
and I'll make the sandwiches.

Done.

Thanks. Now, you guys go wait
in the dining room.

You know what?
I'm glad we got snowed in.

Me too.

I'm pretty sure I ruptured something,
but, yeah, it was fun.

You know, Salem,
Father Christmas was right.

All the hoopla of Christmas

isn't as important
as spending time with your family.

Sabrina, you're back.

You decided to spend
Christmas Eve with us after all.

- That's so wonderful.
- It's not Christmas Eve.

Christmas. You said Christmas.

Come on, Salem.

The tree, it's here.

Oh, and the decorations.
They're incredible.

I'm so happy Christmas didn't suffer
the fate of Bobunk.

BOTH:
What's Bobunk?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

You don't know how happy I am
to hear you say that.

We thought we'd stop by
and give you your presents

so we could get back to our families.

Mom's letting us have coffee too.

And it's rumoured
that my parents have branched out

from the traditional
pyjama-and-underwear gifts.

Why are you smiling so much?

Because...

Because...

Because Harvey's
under the mistletoe.

- Anybody want some eggnog?
- Me. I love eggnog.

This is great. All the people
I love most in the world

together under one
beautifully overdecorated roof.

Well, I think this calls for a toast.

To family. To friends.

To Christmas.
It's back and better than ever.

Hey, this one's
from Father Christmas.

Oh, cousin Kris sent you a present.
How thoughtful.

- We're related to him?
HILDA: Distantly.

You kind of forget about it
until he needs money.

Robert E. Lee.

Must be a clue to the family secret.
I can never get enough of these.

"Dear Sabrina,
thanks for the vacation.

Once Christmas returned,
I knew you figured out

what I was trying to tell you
about family.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year,
Joyous Bobunk."

- Speaking of Bobunk, where's Salem?
SALEM: Sabrina, stop this crazy thing.

Oh! My spine.