03x12 - Whose So-Called Life Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

[MUTTERING]

Hey, Salem,
when did you start painting?

When no one would read
my screenplay.

I need a creative outlet.

Well, my background in this area
is pretty much limited to spin art,

but I like what I see.

Well, let's not forget my model.
She deserves some of the credit.

Do you mind if I put my nose back?
I've gotta sneeze.

For your safety, please watch
the following video.

Oh, you can read a magazine, but you
didn't have time to read my screenplay.

I got through volumes one and two,
but then it seemed to drift.

This is Enchanted By,
the magazine for witches.

Anything in there
about dating mortals?

You'll do anything to work the fact
that you're dating

into the conversation.

That's not true.

Has anyone seen my book bag?

The guy I'm dating has books.

Sabrina, I want you to check out
this month's Enchanted By.

There happen to be some
very edifying articles.

"Nose Warts: How to Hide Them."

Oh, good, it's got pictures.

The guy I'm dating has a nose.

Okay, I'll stop.

I want you to read the bulletin
from the Witches' Council.

They're advising witches
under the age of

to refrain from charitable magic.

Whew, relieved of the burden
of helping others.

Charitable magic can have disastrous
long-term consequences.

For instance,
the teenage witch in Ohio

who zapped away
her best friend's acne.

- How thoughtful.
- Seemed that way,

but as it turns out,

her best friend was destined
to one day discover a cure for acne.

So now, no cure.

And now,
instead of being a scientist,

she'll be a smooth-faced wino.

I'll add that to my list of , other
witch rules I'm supposed to follow.

Would you mind terribly
if I asked for that in a crystal bowl?

As an artist, I'm sensitive
about these things.

Allow me.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

ZELDA:
Sabrina, that was charitable.

You didn't listen to a word I said.

Oh, come on. Salem's not gonna
accomplish anything in his life.

I'm still way ahead
of half the Kennedy children.

Harvey, you're gonna be late
for Chemistry. What are you doing?

Trying to open my locker.

You think my gym shoes
could be causing a vacuum?

SABRINA: I know I'm not supposed
to do this, but I doubt

there's a Nobel Prize
in Harvey's future.

Whoa, somebody's been working out.

Sabrina, I've gotta ask you something.

If it's about your hair,

yes, it does look
like a woodland creature's home.

Oh, yeah? Well, I

didn't really have time
to fix it this morning.

You know, Libby, speaking of hair,

how's your chronic lice problem?

I mean, you should be charging
those little fellows rent.

That was great, Sabrina.

Look, I hate to put you
in the position of having to say no,

but my mom's always on me
about having a friend over for dinner,

and I've been putting it
off for years,

but she's like a dog with a bone.

Val, stop being so insecure.

- I'd love to come over.
- Really?

Tonight is charades night
at the Birkhead house.

Sounds like fun,

and it beats "throw out the
fuzzy food" night at my house.

You know, painting has opened up
a whole new world for me.

My soul is soaring.

Now, how can I use
this God-given talent for material gain?

I know. All I need is a human.

Close enough.

It smells like turpentine in here.

Did you order from that
sushi place again?

Do me a favour
and take these paintings

down to that hip new gallery in town.

You know, the one with all
the driftwood art.

I can't. Brock's picking me up
for our date any minute.

Besides, no gallery would ever
buy paintings done by a cat.

How about if you're the painter?

We'll split the commission
right down the middle: Eighty- .

[DOORBELL RINGS]

But I don't like your paintings.
They're creepy.

Why don't you paint
something pretty on velvet?

Hilda, Brock's here.

Who ordered sushi?

- Hi, Hilda.
- Hi.

Say, who's the artist in the family?

These paintings are remarkable.

Oh, it's really just a hobby.

SALEM:
Oh, yeah.

So you see, Sabrina,

being a safety inspector
boils down to this:

people pay me to do
their worrying for them.

Do you get a bonus for panicking?

By the way, Warren, I picked this up
for you on the way home.

- Great bicycle helmet.
- Oh, no. We wear them in the car.

Twenty bucks to keep
that information inside these walls.

Have some chopped beets, Sabrina.

Mom's a nutritionist.

Everything we eat is healthy.

I never said being my friend
would be easy.

Don't worry. I can make
almost anything disappear.

What a beautiful shade of red.

I could use that colour
to create a masterpiece.

No, I'll just eat it.

Twenty-six, , .

Now you may swallow.

Hey, look, a wishbone.

I once choked on a ham bone.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Why don't you and Mr. Birkhead
make a wish?

No, thank you.
We're not the whimsical sort.

Come on. Live a little.

Well, all right, then.

But everyone shield your eyes,
there may be bone shards.

SABRINA: I guess this is sort of
charity, but I'm so bored.

Make a good wish.

Their lives are so dry
Here's what we'll do

Take whatever they wish
And make it come true

Ah.

Okay, who wants, or is willing
to try, rhubarb pie?

Yummy.

[HUMMING]

Looks like pie. I--

[SNIFFING]

Smells terrible.

Bad colours. I don't--

I won't eat this. I refuse to eat--

[CHEWING]

Strong.

- Round.
- Round. Oh, I've got it.

The Effect of Gamma Rays
on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds.

Wow.
I couldn't even get Little Women.

I'm such a loser.

Okay, that makes
the final charades score:

Sabrina, .
Everyone else, two.

Well, I really gotta get going.

I'm really tired and no wonder.
It's : .

This is the latest
anyone has ever stayed,

including blood relatives. Thank you.

It was nice to see you, Sabrina.

Dinner was terrific
and thanks for the recipe.

That lima bean loaf
really did taste like tofu.

Leave before she tries
to put some in a sack.

Gotta go.

You really livened up
our evening, Sabrina.

In fact, that's what I wished for.

That our Valerie would be happier
and more upbeat like you.

SABRINA: A happier Valerie.
What could be wrong with that?

So, what happened at the gallery?

- They bought all the paintings.
- Yes.

And they wanna have
an exhibition of your work.

I mean, our work. I mean, my work.

Don't you wanna hear
about my date?

No. Let's see the money.

Here.

Why did you want it all in singles?

SALEM:
So I can do this:

I'm rich! Rich, I tell you!

Salem, it's only
a few hundred dollars.

I'm well-off! Well-off I tell you!

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, Sabrina,
that was really fun last night.

For the first time in years I didn't have
my "naked in the Superdome" dream.

I'm glad you're in a good mood.

Yeah, I just feel different
for some reason.

I'd like to thank the two of you
for always travelling together.

It helps me insult you
that much more efficiently.

Libby, better run along.
Aren't you late for your--

"Future Bitter Divorcées
of America" meeting?

My worst nightmare:
freaks in Sensurround.

That felt great.

Well, better get to Algebra II.

She is more upbeat. Man, I'm good.

"A -foot ladder is leaning
against a garage.

Its base is feet from the wall.

How high up does the ladder reach?"

Oh, I know. The ladder is--

. feet high.

Why, Valerie,
that's another one right.

Either you've been studying, or have
I been mouthing the answers again?

No, Valerie's just becoming

more like a person
that's good in math.

So have you noticed
anything different about Valerie lately?

Now that you mention it,

she seems a lot more happy
and relaxed, like you.

Oh, well, you mean that
she reminds you of me, right?

Not that she's actually
becoming like me.

Guys don't struggle
with issues like that.

- Valerie, wait.
- I can't.

I signed up to help
with Spanish tutoring.

Me too.
Since when do you speak Spanish?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

That's Spanish, you know.

- Valerie--
- Sabrina--

- You first.
- I just--

- Stop!
- Stop!

So weird.

It's like we have
the same brain or something.

Man, I'm late. Gotta go.

- Oh, Sabrina.
- Hi, Mrs. Birkhead.

- I was on my way to Science Club--
- Valerie said she's gonna join that.

Oh, well, there's a surprise.

Anyway, I was just wondering

about the wish you made
the other night.

Do you remember your exact words?

I said, "I wish our Valerie
could be just like Sabrina."

- "Just" like me?
- Uh-huh.

Let me go get Valerie.

Try and stay calm.

It would be so unusual
for a spell to backfire on me.

Hey, Sabrina.

And they say
no one bats a thousand.

Valerie, your hair
looks just like mine.

I was gonna say
the same thing to you.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Hey, I could get used to that.

Harvey, did you just do
what I think you did?

You mean, kiss Valerie?

But I kiss everyone.

It's my Italian blood.

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

You're Slovenian.

Hey, I just got off
the phone with Brock.

He asked me out on another date.

I'll get in touch
with the people at Ripley's.

I really think Brock might be the one.

I mean, there's no posing,
there's no pretence.

It's just a totally honest relationship.

So you told him you're a witch?

Of course not.

Oh, by the way, the gallery called.

They wanna pick up
some more of my paintings.

Brock's so impressed.

Fine, but I should inform you
that my style has evolved.

I now work with found objects.

Old bicycle inner tubes,
seashells, bio-waste,

and incorporate them into my art.

Sounds awful.

I'm gonna be famous.

Here we go. "Wishbone Spells.
See Sanders, Colonel. Page ."

What? Salem, there's paint
all over the page I need.

- Do you have any idea why?
- I've been cleaning my brushes on it.

I heard that Lichtenstein cleaned his
with Perrier and hundred dollar bills.

Thanks a lot.

I granted Mrs. Birkhead's wish
that Valerie be like me.

Not just like you.

Would we be having this conversation
if I had left it vague?

This is bad.
Pretty soon there'll be two Sabrinas

and Valerie will disappear forever.

How can I phrase this in a way that will
capture the spirit of the moment?

Help.

Here's what you do:

move to the Pacific Northwest
and live out your days

under an assumed name.

I recommend "Agnes."

- Salem, you're useless.
- I'm an artist, not a logician.

There's gotta be a way around this.

Hey.

If Valerie's acting like me,
all I have to do is start acting

the way she used to act before
she started acting like me.

She'll start acting like her old self
and stop acting like me. Get it?

Would this be a bad time to tell you
you're sitting on paint?

I have an idea.

Have you ever thought
about dying your hair brown?

Like it would make a difference.

I just know I'm gonna flunk
next week's history test,

the Science Club
wants to kick me out,

and I'm pretty sure I'm the most
unpopular girl in school.

- Really?
SABRINA: Great, it's working.

Well, then I have to cheer you up
because life is great and you're great.

Jeez, am I really that obnoxious?

Come to dinner at my house.

I know that my aunts
would love to see you.

- Your aunts?
- Oops, I meant parents.

I won't take no for an answer.

See you tonight.

I know this can work,
I just have to be twice as insecure.

It's times like this I hate
coming from a loving environment.

I just know I'm not
gonna get into college,

and I'd bet anything Harvey's
gonna break up with me,

and the economic instability in Russia
is really affecting my sleep.

You will get into college,
Harvey won't break up with you,

and Russia probably will collapse,
but we don't live there.

Valerie has taught us so much
with her new upbeat attitude.

It's like when I was looking over
these plans for a new bridge at work.

I realised when I say, "not safe
for humans," I'm like a broken record.

MRS. BIRKHEAD:
Everyone hungry?

We've got fried chicken, onion rings,
fatback and crackling.

Mom bought the new
Elvis recipe book.

After dinner, can I go run
with scissors again?

SABRINA: This is gonna be
harder than I thought.

Salem, I've got bad news.

I just got back from the gallery
and your latest paintings bombed.

Oh, no.

But the good news is
I've still got a date with Brock.

He really likes the way
I handle setbacks.

See you.

Fame, you are a fickle mistress.

Well, I still have my art,
and that's what's important.

I got into this
because I love painting,

not to get rich.

[CRYING]

Who am I kidding?

I just made a down payment
on a mail-order bride.

[CONTINUES CRYING]

- Hi, Sabrina.
- Hey.

Hey, Sabrina.

You know, I'm thinking
of changing my name to Sabrina.

I mean, after all,
it's what everyone calls me.

"Sabrina Birkhead."

No, no, no. "Sabrina Sirkhead."

Sounds better with something
with an S, wouldn't you say?

Is nothing sacred?

Hey, Harvey,
what do you say you and I

hit the Slicery this afternoon alone.

I know I'll be hungry.

Oh, that does it.

Now it's time to play hardball.

She's not stealing my life
or my boyfriend.

Let's see if she still
wants to be like me.

[GROWLS]

Sabrina, has something
been bothering you?

Anything with just
three chords ain't music.

Believe me, Sabrina, I recognise
a cry for help when I see one.

Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
speaking with someone your own age

who's a little more mature.

I know, Valerie.

[SALEM SOBBING]

Salem, you know, Vincent
van Gogh was a great artist,

and he never sold a single
painting during his lifetime.

SALEM:
Really?

What a loser.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Wonder who that is.

Ooh, maybe it's Brock.

- Who is it?
MAN: Delivery for Spellman.

"Rest In Peace."

"Deepest Sympathy."

"Say hi to God for me"?

Be glad you didn't get
our biggest seller: "Good Riddance."

Hilda, did you know
you're in the newspaper?

Really? Where?

The obituary page.

Have you died and not told me?

Either the afterlife is a disappointment
of enormous proportions,

or somebody owes me
an explanation. Salem?

Look, everyone knows
a painter's paintings

get more valuable after he dies.

I'm just speeding up the process.

I'm referred to
as your "long-time companion."

Everyone is going to think
that I'm dead.

SALEM:
What's the big deal?

You don't leave the house
that much anyway.

SABRINA:
So this is how it ends.

Me with a ring in my nose
and no way out of this mess.

Well, at least the spell
can't get any worse.

Sabrina, you're not gonna believe this.
I have magical powers. Watch.

The phrase "spiralling out
of control" comes to mind.

Oh, don't worry.
I promise to use them responsibly.

I'd never do anything
frivolous with them.

What are you looking at, freaks?

Well, most of the time.

It looks like you don't quite have
a handle on that magic of yours.

We better go somewhere
and figure out what to do.

You're not gonna turn me
over to scientists,

- or sell me to the government?
- Oh, of course not.

Not right off the bat, anyway.

I came over as soon
as I heard the news, Zelda.

Tell me, how did it happen?

Um...

Would you excuse me
for a moment?

Who do we invite to the wake?

Hilda, Brock's here.

Oh, that's right. We've got a date.

Not so fast. He thinks you're dead.

Well, when he sees me,
he'll know I'm not.

SALEM:
You can't go in there.

He's not as dumb as he looks.

He'll know you faked your death
because your paintings weren't selling.

- I'll tell him they weren't my paintings.
- And he'll know you've been untruthful.

And the beautiful
relationship you two had

will be tainted by lies and more lies.

Just my luck.

I meet the guy of my dreams,
but I die.

I'll let him down gently.

I know it's gotta hurt, Hilda,

but you did kind
of bring it on yourself.

Wait a minute.

What am I talking to a cat for?

I don't have to tell Brock
about the paintings.

I'll tell him the newspaper
made a mistake.

Hilda Spelminsky died.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, there, there.

It's okay to cry.

Just use this tissue
instead of my blouse.

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Brock.

The newspaper made a mistake.

[SCREAMING]

HILDA:
Brock.

[BROCK SCREAMS]

Okay, that's not the way
he usually greets me.

Uh, sorry, but Brock said
he needed closure

so I zapped in some photos
of you in a coffin.

I'm so pale.

You're dead.

Okay, stay here and lay off the magic.
And I'll go figure out what to do.

Look, I've been thinking about it
and it's gonna be so weird, Sabrina.

I'm gonna have to hide my powers

and make up all sorts of excuses
for the rest of my life.

You have no idea what kind
of stress I'm gonna be under.

Right. I have no idea.

Have you guys got a minute?

Oh, look, Hilda.

Sabrina's going
through that charming

"to assert my independence I'm making
myself as ugly as possible" phase.

I'll explain later. I may have gotten in
a small problem with charitable magic.

You did?

Didn't you read the advisory by
the Witches' Council in my magazine?

It couldn't have been more explicit.

I blame the school system.
My retention's not what it should be.

So now Valerie's a witch.

Not a particularly good one, but still.

All right, Sabrina.

Here's what you have to do
to reverse the spell.

First, change your clothes.

There's no reason
to make the situation sadder.

Ah. Then you've got to
take Valerie home

and somehow convince
Mr. and Mrs. Birkhead

to say, in these precise words:

"We're happy Valerie changed."

- Got it?
- Why do I want them to say that?

I want them to be not happy
that Valerie has changed.

We know it's ironic.

We know it's illogical,

but believe it or not,

we know more about these things
than you do.

Fine, okay.

Shouldn't be very hard.

Mr. and Mrs. Birkhead are
thrilled with the new Valerie.

What happened?
You guys were so upbeat before.

Remember that bridge
I was telling you about?

It's still standing.
Twenty feet below sea level.

I just got fired for recommending
a heart patient loosen up and try lard.

Well, what about Warren?
I mean, you seem happy.

[IN HOARSE VOICE]
I found out the hard way:

electrical sockets are not toys.

If you ask me, our troubles started
about the time Valerie changed.

Oh, but you're glad
she changed, right?

Not at all.
We miss the old Valerie.

But you didn't realise how much
until she changed,

so you're really glad she changed.

- No.
- I see.

Okay, I know what
will liven things up.

Let's play charades.

- Now?
- Now?

I'll go first.

It's not the name of a book or a movie.
It's just a particular phrase, okay?

- Small?
- Tiny?

- Wee?
- Yes. Okay, "we." Next word.

Oh, I've got it. Happy.

Okay, "We're happy--"

- Valerie?
- Okay, "We're happy Valerie."

- We're almost done.
- Mom, Dad,

I can't keep it a secret any longer.

I've got magical powers. Watch.

Valerie, you changed
Warren into a dingo.

"Changed." You said "changed."

You said,
"We're happy Valerie changed."

Uh, did I just see
what I thought I saw?

Of course not.
It's that crackpot diet of yours.

You eat enough pastrami
and bear claws,

you're gonna start seeing things.

What--? What happened?
How did I get here?

You seemed to believe
you had magical powers, dear.

You tried to change Warren
into a dingo.

I did? I am such a loser.

[CRYING]

Oh, our baby, she's back.

SABRINA: That's all?
- Yes.

You've gotta read
and chronologically organise

all of your aunt Zelda's
Enchanted By magazines.

Then we'll consider the matter settled.

And to make sure you actually
read and don't skim,

there will be a quiz
when you're done.

Fine by me.

As a frequent victim
of your punishments,

I'd say you guys are getting soft.

SABRINA:
Whoa.

Did I mention that I've been
a loyal Enchanted By subscriber

for over years?

Believe it or not, this is nothing

compared to the International Male

she's got stacked in the basement.

This is child abuse.

Do you know how many
paper cuts I could get?

SALEM:
You think you've got it bad?

And I'm supposed
to be on my honeymoon.

[CRYING]