03x13 - What Price Harvey?

[bunniefuu]

[SINGING]
La la la la la!

I don't think I've ever seen you
so happy.

Me neither. Which is
a really sad commentary on Hilda's life.

Hilda always gets this excited

when she's gonna see our cousin
Zsa Zsa Goowhiggie.

- Gesundheit.
- She's my favourite relative.

She's a great practical joker.
Tons of fun.

If you call putting k*ller bees
in someone's bonnet "fun."

Oh, well, maybe you were too swollen
to laugh.

Well, I'm gonna say my hellos

and then get back to work
on my subatomic microphone.

Still trying
to prove electrons can hear?

- Don't laugh.
- Because they might hear me?

And you,
instead of fooling around with Zsa Zsa,

you should be practising your violin.

- You've got an audition in two days.
- Which is two days away.

[HISSING]

[SCREAMS]

[THUD, HILDA EXCLAIMS]

This is vintage Zsa Zsa.

Okay, Zsa Zsa, you can morph
into your human form now.

Gotcha.

[SCREAMS]

So. "Goowhiggie." Is that Swedish?

Other leprechauns look up to me.

There you go.

When did you start selling cosmetics?

When the trust fund dried up. Ooh!

Here is the latest beauty product
from the Other Realm.

"Instant Hobo"?

What, when the jar's empty,
you can live in it?

[LAUGHS]

I think I'm getting bags
under my eyes.

Okay, you all missed your cue
to say:

"No, Salem, you look fine."
That means I need some concealer.

Salem, I'd love
to sell you some products,

but your name's all over
the bad checklist.

- What about my aliases?
- They're gonna have baggy eyes too.

[SOBS]

Zelda.

- This colour could be for you.
- Oh?

- Oh! Oh!
- Ha-ha-ha-ha.

You know, they must miss you two
at the Algonquin.

- Whoo!
- I'd love to stick around

and wonder what you
two have been drinking.

- But I gotta get to school.
- Oh, Sabrina.

Sabrina, please, try this blush.

I wonder what's gonna pop out

and cause you two
to laugh uncontrollably.

Hmm.

- Hey. Nice colour.
ZSA ZSA: Uh-huh.

SABRINA: Not bad.
- Really.

- Thank you, Zsa Zsa.
- Oh, you're welcome.

[CHUCKLING]

Bye-bye.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

HARVEY:
Hey, Sabrina.

Ho. Did you enrol in clown college?

Uh! Zsa Zsa.

Harvest season
at my aunts' vineyard.

So did you sign up
to take any college-prep classes?

Oh, I decided
I'm not taking the SATs.

I'm gonna be a mechanic,
so I'm not going to college.

Really? No college?

What a day. Who would've thought
an executive vice president

would have so much to do?

Drive.

So what if your engine's on fire?
What are you, a girl?

- Harvey, I'm home.
- Oh, hey, honey.

Did you see the new car?

Yeah, it looks like
it's up on new blocks too.

And as soon as I find an engine
and some tyres,

I'm taking my girl for a ride.

[TIRES SCREECHING OVER TV]

Oh, it's getting exciting.

[BELL RINGS]

See you after class.

Wait, so you're really
not gonna go to college?

Nope.

Not even clown college?

SALEM:
Cha-cha-cha-cha. Aha.

The concealer at last. Hmm.

That cherry lipstick looks delicious.
No. Beautify now, eat later.

Do you think I should be worried
that Harvey isn't going to college?

- I didn't go to college.
- He's doomed, I tell you. Doomed.

Oh, I can't imagine
what it would feel like to have no drive,

so little ambition.
Not that that's a bad thing.

I can't imagine what it would be like
to be so driven.

- You never had time for fun.
- I have fun.

Working nonstop to achieve a goal
is enormously pleasurable.

Oh, that's right. They have that
new all-work ride at Disneyworld.

May I offer a suggestion?

Walk-a-mile moccasins.
You each buy a pair and then switch.

They help you understand
how the other person feels.

Couldn't we just have
extensive family therapy?

Maybe we should try them, Hilda.
It's only a mile, and they're pink.

Well, I can see
why you'd want to be like me,

but why would I want
to be like you?

All right.

Ah. Yes.

Now switch.

SALEM: Say, everyone,
are there still bags under my eyes?

Salem, where are you?

SALEM:
I'm right here, in front--

Oh, dear Lord.
I used too much concealer.

- I'm invisible.
- And in debt.

But on the bright side,
you really can't see those bags.

[SALEM SOBBING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Knock, knock.

Oh, hi, Zsa Zsa.
I don't have any time for any pranks,

so just leave the joy buzzer,
and I'll shock myself with it later.

This is business, honey.

Now, I overheard
about your little friend, Harvey,

and I've got the perfect product.

- "Pure Ambition"?
- It's a cologne.

A little dab,
and your man will be more ambitious

than the entire
William Morris mailroom put together.

Whoa, it's a little musky.

Well, they do say that success
is percent perspiration.

Gross.

I'll take it. Put it on my aunts' tab.

I'm telling you, man, this East German
transmission's driving me crazy.

I figure it's either a valve or they're
plotting to take over the world again.

- Harvey. I got you a present.
- What for?

Boyfriend's Day.

It's a holiday that the retailers
came up with

to fill in the slow sale season
between Christmas and Easter.

Just put it on.

Ew. It smells like my dog
when he's rolled in something dead.

But I like it.

Hey, after I replace that valve,

I think I'm gonna overhaul
the whole engine.

You're not talking about SATs,
are you?

Come on, man, we can fix this car.

We just need to be
a little more ambitious.

After you fix the car, you're gonna
drive it to a college-recruitment centre?

Right?

I guess a little dab didn't do him.

We've been wearing these
moccasins for a while,

and I don't feel any different.
Do you?

No. Although I do have a sudden urge
to track bear.

Hey, Hildie. Wanna fill up
all the holes on the golf course?

No, thanks.
I'm going to practise my violin.

And I have research to do.

Although golf-course high jinks
sound like fun.

Ah! Hey. Hoo.

Oh, the smell.

It's not that bad, is it?

[GROANS]

- Where are you going?
- To bathe.

And to take the practise SAT test.

Ah. The sweet stench of success.

Ahem. Hello?
Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Oh, I think you do.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]
Excuse me, shopkeeper.

Do be a sport and let me out of here,
would you?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, didn't you say
that somebody was coming over

from the grant committee
for a presentation?

Oh, that's right.

- And I've got to get right to work.
- Mm-hm.

- Just one more call.
- One more.

[GIGGLES]

Salem?

SALEM [IN DEEP VOICE]:
Salem's not here.

Oh, well, then he won't want me
to open any of those cans for him.

SALEM:
Oh. Wait, here he is now.

Salem, how about
some of that sockeye?

SALEM [NORMAL VOICE]:
Love some.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, bright boy.

You might be invisible,
but these cans aren't.

- Put these away.
SALEM: Party pooper.

And put that tongue
back in your mouth.

Don't you have some research
to do?

- Hildie. Your nose is running.
- No, it isn't.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes, it is.

[GASPS]

I'm just glad
I don't play a wind instrument.

[GIGGLING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BELL RINGS]

So you seem to be working hard.
How do you think you did?

Oh, I forgot about the test.

I was drawing up my design
for the new racecar I'm gonna build.

It's completely aerodynamic,
and it has cup holders.

I'm gonna get Zsa Zsa
right in the Goowhiggie.

[SPRAYING]

That Ambition cologne

only made Harvey more ambitious
towards cars and beverage caddies.

Well, Harvey's ambition
needs to expand

beyond his usual horizons.

The cologne may not be enough.

I'm not buying any more stuff.

Well, I'm not sure
I have anything that's appropriate,

although I did sell
the Ambition deodorant to Bill Gates.

But it's not for Harvey.

- Bill Gates?
- Mm-hm.

And Michael Eisner,
he swears by Ambition shampoo.

But it's not for Harvey.

Oh, and he wouldn't be interested
in the Ambition after-shave.

I'll take the whole line
of Ambition products.

Wonderful.

And with your $ purchase,
you'll receive this lovely tote bag.

- Forty dollars?
- Forty dollars.

- Put it on my aunts' tab.
- Mmm.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh.

Ambition is a good product.

Almost as good
as my favourite perfume,

Reverse Psychology.

Man, these Ambition products
are heavy.

[SALEM GIGGLING]

- Salem.
SALEM: I love these free rides.

Although I could've done without
your stopover in the bathroom.

Harvey will never
put these products on willingly.

Just gonna have to do it
the hard way.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[SPRAYING]

Oh, hey. I'm so glad to see you.
I just came to an incredible decision.

I'm gonna do everything I can
to achieve my full potential.

Oh, that's great.

And you're starting out
by clearing out your locker?

I'm starting
by dropping out of school.

That's not gonna look good
on your college application.

Hey, so why are you
dropping out of school?

- To be a mechanic?
- Of course not.

I'm gonna pool my lawn-mowing,
paper-route money together

and put a down payment on a garage.
I'm gonna be an owner-operator.

Great. So was Goober Pyle.

I am here to interview Zelda Spellman
regarding her grant proposal.

I'll go get her.
Zelda is a terrific researcher.

Very hardworking, dedicated,
professional.

[ZSA ZSA AND ZELDA LAUGHING]

HILDA:
Zelda. Zelda.

This is Boris Lermontov,
the head of the grant committee.

Oh, Mr. Lermontov.
Please sit down.

- Ahem.
- All the way down.

- Oh.
- I can't find my spectacles.

[ZSA ZSA AND ZELDA LAUGHING]

Here they are. I'm sorry.
The house isn't level.

I suppose you find time to do
actual research between guffaws.

I'm sorry. I would like to get serious
and discuss my latest endeavour,

- the wedgie project.
- Aaah!

[LAUGHING]

So it did make the boy ambitious.

If you consider foregoing
a high-school diploma

to spend time with leaky carburettors
ambitious.

- And I do.
- Just tell me how to reverse the effect.

Sorry.
Once Ambition has been applied,

you have to let it run its course.

Great. Well, this is as ambitious
as he'll get, right?

Should be.

You just used a little, didn't you?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Harvey?

Let me guess. You haven't been
working on cars, have you?

No. And I've got great news.

Instead of going to the bank
for a loan,

I got on the Internet
and used my savings to buy yen,

which I converted into German marks,
and put the whole thing on pork bellies.

And when I left home,
I was up $ million.

Course, it's all on paper.

Eleven million dollars?
Think of the college you could afford.

Good idea.

Maybe I'll buy one.

SALEM: Ha-ha-ha.
- Salem, stop that.

SALEM:
I'm invisible, and you can't catch me.

I'm invisible, and you can't--

SALEM [MUFFLED VOICE]:
You will hear from my lawyer.

God bless Claude Rains.

Well, Boris Lermontov called.
Looks like I'm not getting that grant.

And after that wedgie,
he's joining the Vienna Boys Choir.

I hope this teaches you
to act more responsibly.

Oh, you're right. I really need to.

ZSA ZSA:
Here I come.

Hide. Zsa Zsa's it.

HARVEY: Cancel my : . Tell the
mayor I can't make his fundraiser,

but tell the governor I can make his.
Now, I want you--

- Harvey, what's going on?
- Excuse me.

But you can't talk to Mr. Kinkle
without an appointment.

It's okay. I've got seconds free
if we keep walking.

Well, it's good to see
you're back in school.

Yep. I'm here to see
how much it'll cost to knock it down.

- What?
- I need a headquarters for my empire.

So I'm gonna rase the entire block
and put up a skyscraper.

But you can't. There's a orphanage
and a retirement home on this block.

And lucky for me,
old folks and kids are bad negotiators.

Sabrina, you should drop out
of school.

I've got enough money
to support both of us.

And despite your intelligence,
I think you'd make a great trophy wife.

I've gotta do something.
I can't stand what Harvey's become.

Dope fiend? Degenerate gambler?
Petty thief?

An aggressive, ambitious
multimillionaire.

How awful.

- Tell Harvey I always liked him.
- I've gotta show him

he's going down the wrong path.

Well, why not cast
a prognosis-hypnosis spell?

Shows a person what could happen
if they keep doing what they're doing.

- There's such a spell?
- It's a classic.

And it's perfect for this situation.

Thanks, Salem.
Is there anything I can do for you?

[SARCASTICALLY]
No. Can't think of a thing.

- Okay. Gotta go.
- Uh--

Sabrina. I'm--

[SOBS]

Curse my sarcastic nature.

Harvey? Harvey Kinkle?

Move it.

Sabrina? Did my parents let you in?

I'm here to show you your future.

No more lobster and chocolate cake
before bed.

Who's that?

Trixie, your third wife.

As vacant and as dimwitted a woman
as ever walked this Earth.

- Great bone structure.
- Mm.

Hello, family. Father's home.

Now, I must get back to the office.

Harvey. Honey.

Rex and Lucy
have been feeling a bit down lately.

- And they are?
- Your children.

- Oh, right, right.
- I'm not sure they feel loved.

Oh, no problem.

I'll have my secretary
write them an affectionate note.

TRIXIE:
About that....

I think you've seen enough. Let's go.

What's all this?

It might have something to do
with the chemical plant

you put on the football field.

Fair enough,
but why the gas masks?

HARVEY:
What's all this?

The results of years
of Kinkle Inc.'s desecration of the land

in the name of corporate profits.

- Wow.
- See that one lone tree over there?

That's the state park
you commissioned.

If people don't like all this, why don't
they just move to the country?

This is the country.

You should see what you've done
to the city.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Let me guess, my birthday party?

No. Your funeral.

[GUESTS CHEERING]

Everyone is glad you're dead.

Because you
and your boundless ambition

have systematically wiped out
all that is good and right with the world.

- Wow.
- Something to think about, huh?

So now that you've seen your future,
how do you feel?

Bad. You know what I regret most?

- Everything?
- That state park.

- What a waste of space.
- Uh--

Aunt Zelda, I really messed up.
I need some sage-aunt advice.

Sure, honey. Just let me finish
melting my army men.

Sabrina. I just heard on the radio

that they're demolishing your school
tomorrow

to make way for, and I quote,

"Industrialist Harvey Kinkle's
new chemical plant."

Did I mention I might have dumped
some Ambition products on Harvey?

Mm. And things turned out well, I see.

Aunt Zelda, what am I gonna do?

Very unsafe, Private Ryan.

Let's take a look
at Ambition's ingredients

and have a talk with Zsa Zsa.

Something's weird here.

Cousin Zsa Zsa, you sold me Ambition
with no Perspective.

And that's dangerous.
You've sold Blind Ambition.

Perspective is imported.
It's very expensive.

Well, import some now. I mean it.

Okay, okay.

There's your Perspective.

- Put it on Sabrina's tab.
ZSA ZSA: Mm.

[SCREAMS]

MAN: Should we have the
bulldozer roll over the protesters, sir?

HARVEY:
No. Get their names and addresses

and remind me
to destroy their lives later.

Okay, Harvey,
time for a little Perspective.

Gross, gross, gross.

MAN:
Sir, are you ready to break ground?

Let's not tear down the school.
I like the food,

and I've heard good things
about the educational stuff.

And I'd like to give all my money
to the orphans and old people.

And old orphans get twice as much.

I gotta get back to working
on that engine.

I feel like my old self again:
relaxed, content

and broke.

It's good to have you back, Harvey.

But did you have to give it all away?

My dad thinks I might have had
what's known as a manic episode.

Ha. So glad your dad
figures these things out. Heh.

Well, here's my SAT-prep class.

Mind if I join you?

- Really?
- Yep.

I want to be the brightest,
best-educated,

most widely read mechanic there is.

I love a boy with ambition.

[SNIFFS]

Huh.

Your moccasins are off my feet.

Wow. Well, good.

Maybe you can buckle down
and get your work done

and stop with the pranks.

Yours are gone too. Wow.

You know, that was
a really interesting experiment.

I rue losing the grant,

and yet there was a certain lightness
in not feeling so driven. I found that--

[BLOWS HORN]

I'm back.

Sabrina. Could you either
remove these bandages or k*ll me?

Ah. Oh-ho.

[SCREAMING]

[THUD, SALEM GRUNTS]

- Salem, you're visible again.
- Yes.

But I think I've broken every bone
in my body.

So could you please put the bandages
back on?

Well, thanks for coming,
Cousin Zsa Zsa.

Aside from the fact that you switched
Hilda and Zelda's personalities,

almost destroyed my boyfriend's soul,
made Salem invisible,

and took us
for every penny we've got...

it's been a nice visit.

And I've got a present for you.
It's a clue to the family secret.

Never gets old.

Actually, a snake really is a clue
to the family secret.

Well, I'm off. Toodles.

Bye.

Well, I'm glad we threw out
all those Ambition products.

All that was left
was a little bit of shampoo.

Oh, no. I think I used it
to clean tape off Salem.

How many times do I have to tell you?
Greed is good.

Greed clarifies. Greed strengthens.

Now get me Trump on the horn,
pronto.

Yes, I'll hold.