03x20 - Sabrina's Pen Pal

[bunniefuu]

Hey, look at all the stuff
from the Other Realm.

Hey, I got a letter
from my pen pal Martha.

This is for you from
the Witches' Council accounting office.

And our Christmas presents
from Mom.

- But Christmas was four months ago.
- Yeah, she's early this year.

This is wonderful.
They made a clerical error.

I thought I had six lives left,
but it turns out I have nine.

That seems fair.

You have nine,
Mother Teresa got the one.

This means I can start living
more dangerously.

Hello, X Games.

What did you get?

A locket
with a tiny nuclear reactor inside.

What did you get?

A gift certificate
for ball bearings.

Really?

Yeah,
but it's actually quite personal.

She filled it in herself
in her lovely chicken scratch.

Martha wants me to visit.
Would that be okay?

No.

I don't want to be the only
miserable person in the room.

Of course you can.

Hooray, the toast is stuck.
Danger, here I come.

Careful.
You might touch a coil--

[ELECTRICAL BUZZING]

Are you all right?

Fine.

For an appliance.

Great. You burnt my toast.

I find this the only acceptable form
of dribbling.

What happened
to Mr. Kraft's office?

Some kids filled his desk up
with manure again.

- Happy anniversary.
- What?

Well, it was
two years ago today

that I saw you across
a crowded hallway

and felt a twinge
in my heart.

And then you hit me
on the head with a football.

I wasn't as smooth
when I was a freshman.

- Is this a--?
- Yup.

It's a genuine diamond chip.

- Pretty smooth, huh?
- I'll keep it forever.

Spellman, Kinkle,
into the cafeteria for fingerprinting.

Are you sure you know
how to fingerprint?

Yeah, should ink burn?

Just last night
I completed a private detective course

as evidenced
by this emerald graduation tie clip.

- "d*ck."
- That's right, mister.

And I'm using
my newfound techniques

to get to the bottom of this school's
vandalism problem.

From now on,
nothing gets by Willard Kraft, PI.

Wow, Martha, what a beautiful
library you've got here.

- Martha?
MARTHA: Oh, um...

Well, actually
the library belongs

to the Association
of Other Realm Book Borrowers.

I'm-- Heh. I'm just merely
one of the minions.

Boy, brag, brag, brag.

[SOUNDLESS LAUGH]

You know, you are so funny.

When I read your letters

sometimes I laugh so hard,
I make a sound.

Well, then you're gonna love
my syndicated column.

You've gotta come visit me.

You've gotta meet
my friends and family

and teach them a thing or two
about appreciating my jokes.

Oh, I-- I'm not allowed
in the mortal realm.

I'm a magic-free witch.
I was too timid to use my powers

and so the Witches' Council
took them away.

Oh,
the old use-them-or-lose-them law?

Yeah, if I tried to go back with you,

then they would just stop us
at the border.

You know, you could turn me
into something small

and then smuggle me back.

I mean, they never check
carryons.

Well, but that would
be too much trouble.

No. No trouble at all.

Would you rather be
a duty-free bottle of scotch or a pet?

Oh, could I be a cat?

Hey, you're the one
riding in the bag.

Hilda, look.

With the added power
of Mother's nuclear necklace,

I'll finally be able to save time
in a bottle.

Oh, that's great.
I found a use for my gift too.

Coaster.

Okay, Sabrina, light my fire.

Salem, I'm not gonna launch you.

The neighbours think
we're weird already.

How am I gonna use up some lives
if you people continue to be hung up

on this thou-shalt-not-k*ll kick?

Say hi to my pen pal, Martha.

Oh, sharing your secrets
with a cat?

What a change of pace for you.

[BUZZING]

Hey.

Your finger's suffering a little jet lag.
It'll be fine in a few hours.

Now, if you don't mind,
expose me to a virus.

Sorry, Martha.
We'll try again in the morning.

I'm not coughing up blood.

Aw. You look so comfortable there.

And you didn't att*ck my feet at all
during the night.

Wow, talk about
your good night's sleep.

Oh.

Oh, my. I--

Oh. Well, it-- It must be all that--
That nervous grooming that I did.

That black cat kept trying to goad me
into a Kn*fe fight.

Well, what do you say I get dressed
and we go see a mortal high school?

Oh, you-- You didn't tell me there
were gonna be other people here.

Oh, well, I thought the term
"public high school" implied that.

Oh, Harvey,
meet Martha, my pen pal.

Nice to meet you, Martha.
Where are you from?

The Other Realm.

Drive. The Other Realm Drive.
It's in Virginia.

Did you show her the necklace?

Oh, right. Martha,
look what Harvey gave me.

- Where is it?
- It's right--

Freeze.

I'll be right back.

[SIGHS]

I can't find that necklace anywhere.
What am I gonna tell Harvey?

It's at home.

Oh, Spellman, let me guess,

your friend doesn't have
a visitor's pass.

No, but before society
breaks down completely,

I can go get one. Come on, Martha.

Oh, no. I-- I'm just feeling
a little bit overwhelmed.

I'm going to huddle by
the water fountain, if you don't mind.

Virginians don't get out much,
do they?

Go on to class.

- I will escort your guest to the office.
- But--

[SNIFFING]

Smell that?
It's the odour of detention.

Are we nearsighted, miss?

- Oh, my, my.
- Hmm.

Is that an emerald tie clip or--?

Or am I just fixating
on your eyes?

Please.

No. You are not alligator wrestling
in my living room.

I don't care
how many lives you have,

I don't have time to pick up cat entrails
out of the carpet.

Well, I did it.
I finally settled things with Mother.

Oh, Hilda, I'm so glad
you talked to her.

Who talked? I filled her living room
with tons of cracked corn.

Out of my way.

SABRINA: Mr. Kraft, where's Martha?
- Oh, that is a very good question.

We were enjoying
a skim milk in my office

and she stepped out
to freshen up.

Next thing I know,
the door is locked,

no one is heeding
my screams for help,

and I had to crawl out
through an air duct.

I better go find her.
She's not very good in new places.

In case you haven't noticed,
she's shy.

Shy? Ha. That woman is a brazen--

[CHOKING]

Wait a minute. My emerald tie pin.
It's gone.

Call the police.

[GAGGING]

[ALARM RINGING]

Martha.

Martha, did you come home?

[HAMMERING]

And are you re-shingling
our roof?

There.

I still say we should have gone
for a good old-fashioned moat.

Redecorating?

No, a dangerous jewel thief
has escaped from the Other Realm.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, a wanted poster.

Oh, I hate artist renderings.

They all look like Doodles Weaver
in a stocking cap.

Hey, if you squint,
this guy kind of looks like my pen pal.

- Really?
- Yeah, but it can't be Martha.

She's way too nice.

HILDA:
Jewels.

For an extremely dangerous
criminal.

So then I sort of turned her into a cat
and brought her home.

And having to smuggle her
didn't strike you as odd?

When you say, "smuggle,"
it just sounds bad.

You signed up for a pen pal
with a capital P.

A pen pal with a capital P
means a pal in the penitentiary.

Everyone knows that.

I bet I could round up a few people
who don't.

She was working in the library.

The most dangerous criminals
are always forced to shelve books.

Keeps bloodshed to a minimum.

[SALEM YELLING]

She's got Salem.

Wah-jah!

- What are you doing?
- Expressing sheer delight.

I'm making a type of sushi
known as fugu.

If it's not prepared exactly right,
it can be lethal.

Hope, hope.

WOMAN [OVER TV]: We interrupt
Hey, Let's Wrap Things in Seaweed

for a special bulletin.

Hot dog. I'm gonna miss
how to de-vein the poison sac.

There have been a rash
of jewel robberies reported

in the Westbridge area.

That's right. It was
an emerald tie clip.

And beware, the thief may be trying
to pass himself off

as a licensed private eye
or a member of the Lions Club.

WOMAN: She's been seen
talking to a blond accomplice.

A blond accomplice? Oh, no.

[THUDDING]

Reporting live from Westbridge
High School. We now return--

Those three run way too much.

Oh. Too late. Your pen pal's gone
with the goods.

Okay, I admit it. I misjudged her.

More bad news. I just checked.

All our jewels are missing
from our safe.

Oh, no.

- We have jewels?
- Of course.

Oh. We have a safe?

Let's think.

Since Martha has no magic
of her own,

she probably wanted the jewels

so that she can buy potions
on the magic black market.

So she can have her own magic back,
continue her evil ways,

and wreak havoc
on an unsuspecting world.

Where is this safe?

- I'm in denial here.
- We've got to find her.

Let's see. The book and the rope
came from school.

You better go back there in case
she thinks of anything else she needs.

And I'll call the Other Realm police.

Good. I'll see if there's
any information on Martha

on the Witch Wide Web.

She had lovely penmanship.

BOTH: Oh!
- What are you doing here?

Just getting out of wrestling practise.
What are you doing here?

I-- I forgot my chemistry book.

- Jewels?
- Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

That's where I put the props from
the school production of Rich People

that hasn't been announced yet,
that I'm starring in,

that I haven't told anyone about yet.
Heh.

Is that by Thornton Wilder?

So Sabrina Spellman is a jewel thief

and future prison laundry employee.

Aha. They're in this together.

You know what? You go ahead.
I-- I gotta find something else.

Martha was once in prison
for trying to steal the Star of Orion.

- The rarest gem in the universe?
- Once owned by Elizabeth Taylor.

Whoever possesses it can use it
to steal power from other witches.

Isn't it still on display

at the Other Realm Museum
of Cosmic Debris?

Yes.
Next to a chunk of Skylab.

My guess is,
we go there, we find Martha.

And now for the toxic fugu
inexpertly prepared.

Great. No death.

[GRUNTS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, it's gonna be really hard
to find you in there, Spellman.

Spellman?

Is that a black hole?

Oh. Oh, my eyes!

Okay, Martha, where are you?

You may be a dangerous criminal,

but you're not very good as a hider.
Got you.

[BOTH SCREAM]

- What are you doing here?
- I just followed Martha here.

but I guess our screams have
eliminated the element of surprise.

So we were right.
She is gonna steal the Star of Orion.

We've come up with a plan.

Well, actually,
Zelda came up with the plan

while I looked for gum. Cinnamon?

We'll use
a hand-in-the-cookie-jar spell.

See, once Martha grabs
the Star of Orion,

a cookie jar will appear
around her hand.

The problem is,
we have to be next to the stone

in order to enact it.

Oh, what's stopping you?
I mean, besides the death rays.

We found the control box
that turns the beams off,

but we can't get into it
because it's magic-proof.

Well, why don't you use your
nuclear necklace to blow it open?

That's perfect. Once again,
Mother comes through.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, yeah. Don't we love her.

Nothing.

Okay.

I was just transported by a closet
to another dimension.

I see the problem.

Mother didn't include a battery
with it.

I know we're doomed, but I feel
an incredible sense of justice.

Well, one of us is gonna have to crawl
under those deadly beams,

and these are new pants
so you two can duke it out.

What we need is somebody
who's not afraid to die.

I know.

[SINGING]

Do you mind?

Salem, we need you
to run through these security beams

- to see how dangerous they are.
- It's your chance to cheat death.

Finally. I won't be thwarted this time.
Stand back.

Whew. Warm, warm.
Hot, hot, hot, hot. Oh.

Salem, you big baby,
the beams didn't even touch you.

You don't understand.
I blister easy. I need aloe.

Zap me home,
you mean, mean women.

Why don't we use your necklace,
Zelda?

Oh, that's right, it doesn't work. Heh.

Hello?

Okay. Be cool, Kraft.

You are either lost
in a parallel universe

or you are being digested.

Hilda, I need the coupon for
those ball bearings Mother gave you.

Because your present stinks
doesn't mean you can have mine.

The coupon is shiny.

Perhaps we can use it
to reflect one of the lasers

onto the control box
to open it.

Good thinking, MacGyver.

- Oops.
- Ha, ha.

Not only is my gift
better than yours,

but now you owe me
a whole bunch of ball bearings.

Great. Okay, here goes.

Whoever touches
this stone from a star,

encase their hand
in a cookie jar.

The spell's activated.

[FOOTSTEPS]

That must be Martha. Quick, hide.
I'll turn the beams back on.

Hmm.

This potion better be worth
a bag of stolen jewels.

Why didn't we think of that?

There it is.
All the power in the universe.

It looked better
in the catalogue, but...

[SIGHS]

- Hey.
- We've got her.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Security's coming.
I'm holding the Star of Orion.

That might look suspicious.

[JAR SHATTERING]

Maybe I should have incanted

the unbreakable-plastic-cookie-jar
spell.

- Hello?
- As if it couldn't get any worse.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my vice principal.

Oh, what a mess.
And me without my whisk broom.

- Freeze!
- Oh, finally. I was--

- Hey. Hey.
- Hey, don't hurt him.

- Don't hurt her.
- Hilda?

Oh! Oh, I should have seen this
coming.

Hey, take it easy.
I'm going, I'm going.

Don't hurt them.

Oh, shucks, they didn't hear me.

Martha.

So I guess when we agreed
to be pen pals,

I was the only one
who took the pal part seriously.

You're right, Sabrina.

You've been so nice
and I've taken advantage.

Here, take this stone.
Save me from myself.

See? You aren't all bad.

I knew I was
a good judge of people.

Hmm. Now I have your magic.
See you.

Oh, I'm really glad no one else
was here to see that.

You're in for a world of hurt,
librarian.

Give me back my magic.

Well, at least give me back
my necklace.

[WHIMPERING]
I need more unguent.

It hurts so very, very bad.

[WHIMPERING]

[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, they're not here.

That's right.

Well, it was a good rehearsal,
though.

I'm not asking you again.
Where's the stone?

It's in my kidney?

[SLAPPING NOISE]

- He's innocent.
- Sit down.

We'll get to you later, Poindexter.

Mean.

- Is she your accomplice?
- We date a little.

Ow! Bursitis.

When he said, "Get to you,"
he meant just you, right?

Boris.

[WHIMPERING]

[DRILL WHIRRING]

That's to fix the wobble
in the table, right?

Back off, witch girl.

What are you doing still chasing me?
You don't have any magic.

But I still have my wits
and a penny.

[METAL GRINDING]

- Yaah!
- Whoo-hoo!

Mother of Mercy,
is this the end of Martha?

Okay, where is this Martha
who you claim took the Star of Orion?

- I don't know.
- I'm thinking.

Hail Mary, full of grace--

[DRILL WHIRRING]

ALL:
No.

I gave you back your magic
and your teensy little diamond.

What more do you want?

To turn you in
and save my aunts.

And that diamond was one-twentieth
of a quarter carat, lady.

[ZELDA AND HILDA CRYING]

Oh, no. They're torturing them.

[LAUGHING]

Or not.

Sabrina, thank goodness you're here.
They've been tickling us mercilessly.

[LAUGHING]
Zelda and Willard did it.

Oh, we're saved. Never mind.

- They're not communists.
- This is the woman you want.

That's Martha,
the notorious jewel thief.

Grab her.

Wait a minute. She's a jewel thief

and that's the Star of Orion
in her purse.

I'm gonna go with my gut
and say these people are not guilty.

So who wants to start with
the "Job well done, Sabrina"?

Yes, you did a nice job
of smuggling in a dangerous criminal.

Who then got us arrested
and tortured.

But look on the bright side.

I don't suppose
you could loosen these,

seeing as how I'm already a prisoner
of your charms.

Martha's really come out
of her shell.

He bumped his head
and had some wild dream?

No. We've used that one.

- Bad pork.
- Did it twice.

[GASPS]

- Okay, what happened?
- Just go with me.

Don't you remember, Mr. Kraft?

The EPA found methane
in your office,

and it's known to cause
hallucinations.

So all you need to do is burn your
clothes and take some more sulphur.

Never leave the excuse
to a teenager.

Methane? Sulphur?

Oh, holy day, I'm not crazy.

So Martha convinced me
that she was a dull, nice librarian,

but I still think she was sincere
when she laughed at my jokes.

Oh, honey,
everybody misjudges people.

When Salem was busy
trying to take over the world,

your Aunt Hilda was convinced
he was just a workaholic.

[TOASTER DINGS]

"Salem. A clerical error has been made
on the clerical correction

of your original clerical error.

You don't have nine lives left,
you've got one."

One? Just one.

Okay, I want a helmet,
some body armour,

and a quiet corner
where I can avoid all danger.

And would someone move
that spoon?

Well, Mother just called.

Apparently, the gift certificate was
for gold earrings, not ball bearings.

I misread
her very bad handwriting.

See? She wasn't being unfair.

- So is everything okay with you two?
- I guess.

Although, my bedroom is now filled
with tons of cracked corn,

and I'm not allowed to watch
television for a week.

Cracked corn? Isn't that
one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Run away.