03x24 - Silent Movie

[bunniefuu]

ZELDA: I have something
very important to tell you.

Something that could change
all our lives forever.

- You're buying me a new car.
- You're having my baby.

- Stop it. Let her talk.
- You see--

Oh, we're finally getting
a cabana boy.

No.

Now, I know you're not going to like
what I'm about to say,

but be warned,
I don't wanna hear it.

Say it.

Okay.

I think Willard Kraft
is going to propose to me.

- I don't wanna hear it.
- Will you excuse us?

[SCREAMING]

I heard that.

Who you calling chicken?

I was so excited about getting a job
at the school store

until I found out Mr. Kraft
is gonna be my boss.

Well, I was so excited about life

until I found out Mr. Kraft
is gonna be my new stepuncle.

Your Aunt Zelda's
marrying Mr. Kraft?

- It can't be.
- Oh, it be.

- I am so, so sorry.
- I've got a plan.

I'm gonna act as obnoxious
as possible.

He won't wanna live
with a troubled teen.

Sabrina, can I talk to you alone?

Sure. If we can get rid
of Miss Third Wheel over here.

Sorry, I was just trying to act
obnoxious, you know, for Mr. Kraft.

Oh, good. I was worried
it was a new nickname.

Miss Third Wheel. I like it.

So I have something important
to tell you.

Harvey, your Adam's apple
is quivering.

This is perfect. Nice and quiet.

Sabrina, I...

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Anyways, Sabrina...

[JACKHAMMER DRILLING]

I just wanna say that...

[TYRES SCREECH]

[CRASHING]

Sabrina, I--

[BELL RINGS]

I give up.

Okay, well, let's get together
and almost talk another time.

So as you may or may not know,

next Saturday
we're having our policemen's ball,

- and I was wondering--
- Well, I'd love to go, um, Dale.

Ma'am, I'm selling tickets.

Oh. Well, I'll take two.

Will there be firemen there?

- What you reading?
- Nothing.

Well, I'm off to the kitchen.

Today's Bride?

I accidentally picked it up
instead of Omni.

SALEM:
Zelda.

Excuse me.

SALEM: Zelda, darling,
as your bridal consultant,

I insist you make some decisions.

Ice sculpture or chocolate fountain?
Both would be gauche.

And when did Salem
become Mr. Salem?

I just want
a simple garden ceremony.

Honey, if we're going that route,
let's just book a polka band.

Am I the only one unwilling
to overlook the obvious?

That Salem is fired?

Huh?

No. Obvious fact number one:

Willard hasn't asked you
to marry him yet.

And obvious fact
number two--

You said, "number two."

Willard is unfortunately
still in love with me.

I don't know
why you wanna marry a man

who's pining after your sister.

You forgot to mention
obvious fact number three:

You're nuts.

Do you have any idea
what Harvey was trying to tell me?

Do you mind?

I need a notebook that doesn't clash
with my sweater.

- Today.
- That'll be $ . .

I hate to ask you this,
but could I pay you later?

I spent all my allowance
on my cousin's prosthetic leg.

Oh, Libby, that's so sad.
Yeah, I'll write you an IOU.

I don't think
she's gonna pay you back.

- Why?
- Well, there's her lame excuse,

the fact that she's Libby--

- She bought the cousin story.
- And that.

Hey, there. Hey. Hey.

There's future Uncle Mr. Kraft.

I wish my Aunt Zelda realised
what a villain he is.

I know. I get woozy
every time he heads my way.

Is he heading my way?

Yep. Time to put
my most obnoxious foot forward.

Well, I just scored a shipment
of used computer-science books.

There haven't been that many
technological advances since the ' s.

Yeah? You and what army?

Okay, that wasn't obnoxious.
That was just stupid.

Maybe Mr. Kraft won't wanna live
with an idiot.

Now, what makes you so sure
that Willard is going to propose?

Look, there have been many hints.

If you don't believe me,
just bake a wedding-indicator cake.

Good idea.

The proposal hints
We will review

Does this schlub
Wanna marry you?

Zoo-zoo, there is something personal

I've been working up the courage
to ask you.

- Okay, monkey, what is it?
- Now, be patient, my love.

First, you must meet Grammy Kraft,
so she can give us her blessings.

Blessings?
She's probably a lady of the cloth.

Please, just give me a teensy-weensy
little cluey wooey.

Well, let's just say that this spring
might be a pretty busy time for us.

Spring.

Spring wedding? Spring bride?
Get it?

Hello.
The man has not gotten over me.

Willard.

KRAFT: Not to worry.
The rosette broke my fall.

Do you see the way he's looking
at me?

Okay. I'll take your IOU,
but you have to sign it.

Here you go.

Have a nice day, "Obi-Wan Ken..."

Hey.

Hey, Valerie, I need to talk to you
about Sabrina.

Harvey,
your Adam's apple's quivering.

I wanna tell her something.

Something I've never told another girl
before,

but I can't get the words out.

Well, what is it?

I love you.

Aw.

You do know I meant Sabrina, right?

That is so sweet.
You've gotta tell her.

What if she doesn't say it back?
I'll be devastated.

[BELL RINGS]

I gotta go.

Whatever you do,
don't tell Sabrina anything.

Harvey wanted to say "I love you."
He's never said it to another girl.

Harvey loves me?
Harvey Kinkle loves me?

It sounds better without Kinkle,
doesn't it?

Yeah. But, look,
he's afraid that you won't say it back.

Of course I'd say it back.
I feel it back.

So you're sure she'll say it back?
Well, how do you know?

It's...a girl thing.

Then I'll tell her this Friday.
That'll give me time to get a haircut.

- This Friday?
- Yes, but you know nothing.

Have I lost my mind,
or should you two hens be in class?

Okay, that was a perfect chance
for you to be obnoxious.

I've changed tacks.

If I can find one thing I can stand
about Mr. Kraft, one tiny, little thing,

I can focus on that,
and that'll get me through to college.

Just what part of "tuck your shirt in"
don't you understand?

Well, he doesn't hit.

One tiny little thing.

Ow, ow, ow.

You mean, meow.

- A little cat humour.
- Very little.

I've got a hangnail
on my pointing finger.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You might wanna work
on your bedside manner.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just I'm relieved your magic is out.

Willard and his grandmother
are coming to dinner tonight,

and you won't be able
to use your magic to spoil the evening.

She's still got a mouth.

I think he's going to propose.

He said he's bringing
a very special box.

Probably pine lined in satin.

Move.

I know I can find something I like
about Willard Kraft. I know I can.

Miss Birkhead,
you get these deadbeats to pay up,

or it is coming out
of your own paycheque.

What? Oh, please,
save your tears for debtors' prison.

Move.

He has no odour to speak of.

Harvey, I'd love to go out on Friday.
I mean, how are you?

Fine. So I was wondering,
wanna go out on Friday?

- Okay.
- Okay.

[VALERIE CRYING]

Excuse me,
I have to go visit Lake Valerie.

Now, what should I make
for dessert?

No, it looks like I'm trying too hard.

- Me like pie.
- Pie.

Marvellous.

Grammy Kraft is bound
to like one of these.

Hangnail. Caught. Help.

Hold still.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

Oh! Thanks.
Could you zip me up, please?

Gladly.

[LAUGHS]

I meant the dress.

I love you. I love you.

- I love you.
SALEM: I love you too.

If you loved me, you'd knock.

- So, what's new?
- Eh, not much.

Got a letter from Mom, k*lled a plant,

and overheard that Mr. Kraft is asking
for Zelda's hand in marriage tonight.

Tonight?

I need air.

That did absolutely nothing.

Aunt Hilda, is it true?
I thought we had more time.

I know. He's marrying Zelda
to get back at me.

- The ultimate revenge.
- What are we gonna do?

I've done everything.

I even stooped so low
I tried to see the good.

I guess we just have to accept it,

and envision ourselves
as one big, happy family.

I'll take Jan Brady to block.

Why does Mr. Kraft
have to rear his ugly head?

I should be looking forward to my date,
and those words

that'll make it the happiest day ever.

- What's happening Friday?
- Nothing.

I want everything to be just perfect.

There. We're going to have
a lovely supper,

and then afterwards,
you'll wheel Grammy Kraft

into our new handicap bathroom.

[MAGIC CHIMES]

You do that for him, and yet
I can't have a racquetball court?

And then Willard will ask me
to be his wife,

and I'll say yes,
and everything will be wonderful,

and we will all live
tolerantly ever after.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

They're here. I hope I look okay.

She's so excited. We've only
been thinking about ourselves.

Well, you're just a teenager,
and I'm me.

I know, but, look,
we can't ruin it for her, okay?

We've gotta make a pact.

We won't say a word
no matter what Willard Kraft says.

HILDA:
No matter how offensive or vile.

Hello.

- Well, that's my breaking point.
- Mine too.

Well, I guess
we should shut the door.

There's a real storm brewing.

- Well, where's Grammy Kraft?
- She's coming.

She always insists
on driving her own car

despite the legal blindness.

We are still going to have
a family dinner, though, aren't we?

Oh, yes.

Hilda and Sabrina just went upstairs
to check on their ant farm.

Their workers are trying to unionise.

There's gotta be a way
for us to keep quiet through dinner.

I know a "mum's the word" spell,
but my magic's still out.

Oh, I'd be happy
to shut your mouth.

Hey, you know what I mean.

Okay. Here it is.

So nothing unkind
Will be heard

Just remember
Mum's the word

Okay, let's do a test.

Sorry, Hilda,
my heart belongs to Zoo-zoo.

- Mum.
- That's great, Aunt Hilda.

Mum.

Is that all you can say?
What a stupid spell.

Oh, okay. I think I'm gonna go

with "if you can't say anything nice"
spell.

"To enact spell, press here."

MAN:
Cripes, shut your pie hole.

[MOUTHING]

Yeah, that's more like it.

And you don't think we should have
waited for Grammy Kraft?

No. No, she's a slow driver,

and she's always stopping
for hitchhikers.

Listen. Are you gonna
finish those potatoes?

- Mum.
- You're right. They are good.

Sabrina, you've been awfully quiet,
and that's greatly appreciated,

but why don't you tell us
about school?

Yeah, I'd love to hear
about that ant farm.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, I think Grammy's
really gonna like you.

And later on, I wanna get you alone,
and finally ask you that question.

You have a question for me?

Gosh, I wonder what that could be.

Sabrina,
I have something to say to you,

and it can't wait till Friday.

[MOUTHING]

Yes, I know my Adam's apple's
quivering.

I have to get this off my chest,

and please don't say anything
until I finish.

You don't need to take notes.
I'll be brief.

Sabrina, I love you.

Jump in any time here.

I should have known a girl like you
wouldn't love a guy like me.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

It's nice to hear the sound
of my own voice.

La, la, la, la--

I gather you want an explanation.

Did you put a silent spell
on you and Hilda?

Well, when you incant two silent spells
under one roof,

everything under the roof
becomes a silent movie.

Why didn't it kick in
when you cast the spells?

Because.

Why am I so worthless?

That's just rude.

Sabrina?

I can't find my car keys.

Sabrina, I sure hope you know
what I should do about Mr. Kraft.

Hey, we're in colour. And I can talk.

Just reminding myself
to appreciate the little things.

Sabrina, I just want you to know

that I understand
if you don't feel the same way about--

Harvey...

I love you.

Really?

Cool.

Very cool.

So now that we've got that
out of our systems,

would you excuse me for a minute?

Would you excuse us a minute?

Excuse us.

Miss Birkhead?

Are you having any luck
recouping those IOUs?

I'm selling my kidney on eBay.

So the movie ended
just because Harvey and I kissed?

Whoo!

Sabrina, a silent movie always ends
with a kiss.

Or some wacky outtakes.

I can't believe I spent
half my special evening over-gesturing.

I'm sorry, Aunt Zelda.

We just didn't wanna say anything
that would ruin your big moment.

But thankfully, my mistake showed you
that Mr. Kraft really is a villain.

Uh-huh.
And Harvey really is a Mountie.

It was just a movie.

Are you upset
just because you weren't the lead?

- Everyone, continue enjoying pie.
- You bet.

- Except you.
- What? What?

Well, we're finally alone.

Uh-huh.

So, what was this question
you wanted to ask me?

Yes, there is a question.

Would you mind
getting down on one knee?

Oh. No.

Oh, Zoo-zoo, my dear.

Will you...?

Will you...do my taxes?

Receipts?

I've waited my whole life for this?

You know, for some reason

I thought the night we proclaimed
our love would be more romantic.

Me too, but this is good pie.

Aunt Zelda, I'm sorry things didn't
turn out the way you wanted them to.

Well, it all worked out.

Willard and I talked, and once
we cleaned the shards of glass

out of his moustache,
he asked me to go steady.

So you are happy for me?

Oh, we're just happy
you're not getting married.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[GASPS]

Did my silent-movie spell
turn into a horror-movie spell?

ZELDA:
No, it's just another relative

with another clue
to the family secret.

Oh, I see the family resemblance.

Aunt Hilda,
you look just like Fay Wray.

- You think?
- Fay Wray is the clue,

but we are related to Kong.

He's a third cousin
with a pituitary problem.

Oh, okay, so I've got Fay,

a picture of me,
and a picture of Robert E. Lee.

Fay, me, Lee.

Family.

So the Spellman family secret
is about the Spellman family.

I got nothing.

SALEM: Sure, I'd love to hang out
with you guys.

Call the Air Force.