04x12 - Sabrina, Nipping at Your Nose

[bunniefuu]

Oh, this beautiful carol
takes me back.

Mumsy would hum it
while she baked gingerbread

until she realised
that the oven was set too high.

And then,
the screaming would start.

Oh, I love Christmas.

Salem,
I hate to throw a wet Yule log

on your warm hearth
of Christmas memories,

but Zelda and I aren't getting you
an -wheel big rig.

But it's all I asked for.

Face it, you're bad with gears.

Fine, I don't need your gifts,
because this year,

my true love is sending me
the Days of Christmas.

Who is your true love?

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I ordered it from the Other Realm's
online -Cents Store.

Oh, I love the -Cents Store,
except for that exact change rule.

It's a beautiful way for me
to tell me, "I love me."

Oh!

This endless cold snap
is making me snap.

This is the worst time of year.

You're not anti-Christmas again,
are you?

No. I'm anti-windy, sub-freezing,
post-apocalyptic weather.

I love Christmas.

Oh, Salem, it says here,

your first -Days-of-Christmas
present is about to arrive.

SALEM:
Danny Bonaduce?

This is the best Partridge
in a pear tree I could ask for.

Happy holidays, everyone.

Cool, eggnog. You got any ham?

Back in the tree, Bonaduce.

I've gotta get a better agent.

Okay, I am terrified of going outside.

If I see my breath one more time,
I'm gonna smack it upside its head.

MAN [OVER RADIO]:
Now it's time for WWBG's

Christmas Getaway Contest.

The first caller to answer this question
correctly will win four tickets

for a weeklong trip to tropical Jamaica,
starting Christmas Day.

What, Jamaica? Four tickets?

One, two, three, and a mortal?

We can bring Harvey.

Oh, wait. We have to win it first.

The subject is science.

Oh, science, we won.
Aunt Zelda, just answer it.

Sabrina,
I don't know everything about science.

You think you do.

Here's our question.

What parameter measures
relative magnitude of viscous forces

to Coriolis forces and the rotating
flow of viscous, incompressible fluids?

Well, everyone
and his donkey knows that.

- Ekman number.
- That's correct.

- I can't believe it, you won.
- We're going to Jamaica.

This man says
we're going to Jamaica.

Oh, my gosh, Harvey and I
are gonna have so much fun.

There's old-age stuff
for you guys to do there too.

Sabrina, Zelda won the tickets.

She should pick the mortal
of her choice.

I vote for Antonio Banderas.
Oh, please.

- Of course, Harvey can come.
- Thank you, Aunt Zelda.

You're the greatest aunt
who ever lived.

Don't worry, second place
is nothing to be ashamed of.

[BELL RINGS]

So, Harvey,
you have any plans for Christmas?

Well, my mom's taking my little brother
and the baby to visit Grandma.

So that means
it will be just me, Dad

and his patented "the working man
never gets a break" speech.

Fantastic. Well, I mean,
I have a great surprise for you.

Just don't many any plans for a week
starting Christmas day, okay?

I was gonna go to the Freddy Krueger
marathon at the revival house.

No, don't buy tickets for that.
You hear me?

Don't make plans.
Do not make plans.

Okay, I won't make plans.

No, even planning not to make plans
smacks of making plans.

Don't.

[WIND BLOWING]

Oh, I have never seen
the clock shop so busy.

My feet are k*lling me.

Ugh. My cheeks are k*lling me.

From smiling at the customers.

Pretending to be polite
is so exhausting.

Look at these two turtledoves.

They're just turtles
with wings stapled on.

Since when did the -Cents Store

start selling cheap
and shoddy merchandise?

Maybe they really can fly.

- No, they'd have to be alive to do that.
- Eh?

Ready?

This almost makes me wish
I wasn't Muslim.

Yeah, you'd miss the flatbread.

- Should we leave the tree naked?
- No, children might see it.

Hey.

Sabrina, tell your Aunt Zelda
that Grammy is going to Vegas

and she will not take me.

So now that Zelda is off to Jamaica,
I'm spending another Christmas alone.

I'm sorry.

Oh, and you can add this. Pbbt!

What was that?

Oh, my principal-slash-
aunt's boyfriend.

And it's sort of my fault that he's gonna
be alone-slash-sad on Christmas.

Yeah, see,
I would have blamed the personality.

Maybe I should talk to him.

Aah! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

I ho-ho-hope you all enjoy the holidays.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[LAUGHING,
SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

SALEM: They're the three French
hens I ordered.

Not what I had in mind at all.

Okay, I give up trying to keep pace
with teen fashion.

It's for Jamaica. Harvey and I
are gonna frolic with the fishes.

Since we can't gamble.

MAN: We interrupt this programme
to bring you a special weather bulletin.

Due to severe winter conditions,
all airports on the eastern seaboard

- have been closed indefinitely.
- No. You can't do that.

You can't ruin mine
and Harvey's vacation.

I know you're disappointed,
but look on the bright side.

It will be a white Christmas.
That's pretty cool, huh?

And we'll all be together,
that's the important thing.

Oh, you're talking crazy talk.

Great. I've just been called crazy
by someone in a rubber suit.

No two snowflakes are alike,
my butt.

You're all united in your mission
to ruin my Christmas.

You know, Mark Twain once said,
"Gee, this moustache itches."

And he also said,

"Everyone talks about the weather,
but no one does anything about it."

Oh, so what you're saying is,

I should use my magic
to change the weather?

- What a great idea.
- Hmm.

So that I may be able
to travel freely,

send the snow away,
I mean it, really.

The snow, it stopped. It stopped.

[WIND BLOWING]

Aah!

Looks like the spell went wrong
in an unexpected way.

How unusual.

This look is not gonna work
with my new bikini.

We're swamped
and we're short-handed.

Why do they only loan prisoners
out to clean highways?

Let's get some help
from the Other Realm.

To help us cope
with the Christmas rush,

send us workers in a hurry,
in other words, mush.

You two look like Santa's elves.

The uniforms always give us away.

I'm Powell, this is Pressburger.

It says here, you left Santa's workshop
over creative differences.

- Please elaborate.
- I don't wanna slam Santa,

but let me put it to you this way.

He doesn't have much of a sense of
humour when it comes to fat jokes.

Not even the funny ones.

And that kiss
between me and Mrs. Claus?

There was mistletoe
all over the workshop.

Tell me about your years at Harvard.

Complete fabrication.

Thank goodness. You're hired.

Christmas elves?

What a great promotional gimmick.

Hey, lady, Sensurround
was a gimmick, we work here.

SABRINA:
I'm feeling a little warm.

Turn the air conditioning up
before I melt. Hurry.

SALEM:
Okay, okay.

Boy, whenever the molecular structure
of your body changes,

you become really irritable.

I'm remembering a formula I learned
in seventh-grade science.

Burning hot electrical bulb
equals heat.

Don't worry, Sabrina.

I'll figure out a way to keep you cool

until you can figure out a way
to reverse the spell.

Figuring stuff out
is not our strong suit, is it?

Hey, stop drinking that.
That's my unreconstituted right leg.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sabrina, what happened?

What's with the puddle?

I had a little accident.

We can't reverse the spell.

The only way to plead your case
is to go directly to Mother Nature.

Could we do it now? In the words
of another famous witch, "I'm melting."

WOMAN:
Hello, Steve, Hurricane Steve?

Yeah, this is Mother Nature.

I need you to make a swing through
the Virgin Islands later this week.

Don't give me any of that
"I'm just a tropical storm" business.

Get off your tailwinds
and get down there, pronto.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mother Nature? Um...

We're sorry to bother you.

She's Zelda Spellman,
I'm Hilda Spellman.

- And this is our niece, Sabrina.
SABRINA: Hey.

Sorry for my appearance.
I'm a little pail right now.

Oh, I know you. You're the selfish brat
who changed the weather.

SABRINA: Yeah, but that's
all water under the bridge.

In fact, I'm water under the bridge.

This spell always makes people
talk in puns. I hate that.

And you should know that the
snow was stopping tonight, anyway.

SABRINA:
Whoo-hoo. I'm Jamaica-bound.

In a Thermos.

What Sabrina did was wrong,
but she is a first-time offender.

Can't you please change her back?

Teenagers are enough of a handful

without them clogging
our drainage systems.

Oh, well, it's Christmas time,

and I don't wanna be
unseasonably mean.

So okay.

Ah. Thanks. I'm sure there's a town
you need to reduce to rubble.

So we'd better get going.

Just a minute.
You're not getting off that easily.

I'm going to punch some data
into my supercomputer,

which will scientifically decide
the most severe punishment for you.

Oh, no.
What terrible fate awaits me?

Not a tornado.

[WIND HOWLING]

Oh, not hail.

Oh, no, not lightning.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

You must spend time with a certain
Willard Kraft and cheer him up.

No!

How about a little hail?

Be strong, honey, be strong.

Wear this Christmas-tree pin
on your lapel.

When the star on the pin
lights up like this,

Mr. Kraft will be sufficiently cheered
and your punishment will be over.

Great. On top of everything else,
I have to wear an ugly accessory.

I can't find Mr. Kraft anywhere,
and I've called all his usual haunts.

His home, Custer's Steak House,

Pat Buchanan for President
headquarters.

Have you tried Westbridge High?

Oh, come on, being at school
during Christmas vacation?

That's beyond pathetic,
that's pathelog--

That's where he is.

[RUMBLING]

[SALEM WHIMPERING]

It's the nine ladies dancing.

Nine of the largest,

most ungraceful ladies
you'll ever meet.

Knock it off.

Some of us are trying
to sleep away the morning.

That's odd.

We're missing money
from the cash register.

Well, I know you didn't take it,

and I know I didn't take it,
so who could it be?

We're going to the bank
to make a deposit.

- We'll be back in .
- See you.

Who could it be?

Yes, I've found some kids
that are qualified for suspension.

What are you doing here?

I just came by to see what
your favourite Christmas food is.

Figgy pudding. Go away.

That's so funny,
because I was thinking about you,

and I was thinking, "He looks like
a figgy pudding kind of guy," so...

I baked you this.

- Do you think I'm a fool?
- Rhetorical question?

This was not baked with love,

but just to curry favour
with the man in power.

But guess what?

I'm going to eat all of it.

I've got it.

Powell and Pressburger
stole our money.

Hilda, you always suspect
the worst in people.

Come on,
have some faith in your fellow man.

But just in case the little hooligans
snatched the dough,

let's watch the surveillance camera.

Even when you hire people
you don't know

on the spur of the moment,
it can still backfire on you.

Oh, it makes me so mad.

Hilda, this is the Christmas season.

We must have compassion.

ZELDA [OVER MONITOR]:
Powell, Pressburger,

straighten up the backroom, okay?

POWELL:
Sure thing.

Straighten up the backroom, okay?

[LAUGHS]

Those felonious little rogue elves.

Oh, come on, lighten up.

Look at me, I'm Hilda.
I own a clock shop.

I pay minimum wage. Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, they're sled-k*ll.

Twelve drummers drumming,
eleven pipers piping.

[DRUMS AND BAGPIPES
PLAYING]

[SOBBING]
One cat crumbling.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

- That was good, huh?
- Yes, it was.

And you're feeling
cheerful now, huh?

I can feel the sugar surging
through my body, giving me comfort.

- You can?
- Yes.

And I can feel that now
my sugar rush is officially over.

Oh, no, we're getting further away
from the land of cheerful.

I don't really care
for this time of year.

Oh, I'm never gonna get to Jamaica.

[SOBBING]

Oh, okay, let's snap out of it.

- Who wants to go for a walk?
- Not me.

- Great, let's go.
- No.

I just want to remind you two,

that Christmas
isn't just about getting stuff.

Or say, money.

It's also about honesty
and overcoming your bad impulses.

That's a good point.

In fact, we've gone out of our way not
to get drunk during business hours.

Oh, we're at Zoo-zoo's store.

Hi, Monkey.

- Hi.
- I need to speak with you alone.

I can't hear.

I have tried everything.

I was pushing him at the park
on the swings just now,

and not even so much as a "whee."

You've gotta help me.

Honey, I'd drop everything in a second
to help my Willard,

but according to Mother Nature,
I'm not allowed to.

It's your punishment
to cheer him up.

Oh, I can hear again.

Yeah, how's that
for cheerful good news?

Is this thing on?

Mr. Kraft, why are you so miserable
at Christmastime?

Because I've never had a good one.

At least, none that I can remember.

Maybe I can help.

- This area is for employees only.
- What's wrong with me?

Did I just say what's wrong with me?
Because I couldn't hear it.

I'm gonna take Mr. Kraft back
through the grandfather time clock

so that he can remember a good
Christmas, and I can go to Jamaica.

All right, well, if you leave him
back there, I didn't see you.

Mr. Kraft, this grandfather clock
will cheer you up.

Thank goodness I can hear again.

There's nothing worse
than losing your hearing.

[KRAFT PANTING]

You see that sad, lost,

- lonely-looking boy over there?
- The one with the coal?

I'm the even more pathetic kid
next to him.

If you think this is bad,

you should see me a few years
from now at the orphanage.

Oh, no, not an orphanage.

[KIDS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

Mr. Kraft, which one are you?

That's me, on the outside as usual.

I didn't have it good
like those orphans.

Oh, how I envied them.

Didn't you have one happy Christmas
in your whole life?

MAN:
Merry Christmas, Willard.

A sled? Oh, boy.

I wish I'd gotten this
before we moved to Miami.

But I don't care. This is great.

[SCRATCHING]

MAN: Willard,
you're scratching the pavement.

That was a good Christmas.

- Whoo-hoo! I'm going to Jamaica.
- What's that?

Um...

[NO AUDIO]

And they lived happily ever after.

Who did?

Oh, Mr. Kraft,
did you go deaf again?

You know, you had that glazed look
on your face during my whole story,

like you were in some
reflective, revealing daydream.

It was the most powerful
daydream of my life.

And you know what, Sabrina,

I think I've figured out the secret
to a happy Christmas.

- Really? What is it?
- Low expectations.

As long as you look at Christmas
as just one other day

in the long,
endless drudgery that is life,

then you won't be disappointed
when joy doesn't come.

Well, I'm glad I could cheer you up.
Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

- Ugh!
- Hilda,

there doesn't seem
to be any money missing.

Let's check the security camera
just to be sure.

That Zelda woman was right.

It was wrong to take their money.

Oh, those little dears.
They put the money back.

You see, I knew if I just lectured them,
it would do them some good.

Wait, do you see the lady
who just came in the store?

Is she shoplifting?

No, no. I think she's looking.

Oh, well. Thank goodness
for surveillance cameras.

Yeah.

They were on to us about the money,
but they'll never miss a clock.

I love this time of year.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Come in.

Hey.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Oh, back at you.

Oh. Here's your present.

Harvey, a diamond bracelet.

Actually,
it's "I can't believe it's not diamonds."

Twice as shiny,
but at a fraction of the cost.

Well, I love it.

It will look great with my
"almost onyx" necklace you gave me.

Tickets?

Oh, passes to the Freddy Krueger
marathon at the revival house.

- I won't sleep for a week. Thanks.
- Heh-heh.

Speaking of nightmares, do you wanna
try the Christmas cookies I made?

You bet. I coated my stomach
before I came over.

Movie tickets?

Then who did she give
the extra ticket to?

[DOORBELL RINGS,
KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, no.

Zelda Spellman,
you foxy Santa Claus.

A trip to Jamaica.

I have never had
such an incredible present.

Well, you know what a scamp I am.

Oh, excuse me, Zellie, don't we need
to speak to Sabrina alone?

Be right back.

HILDA:
Sabrina. Oh.

You gave Willard Kraft
the extra ticket?

- And credited it to me?
- Mr. Kraft is the bane of my existence,

but for some reason, I feel he should
have at least one happy Christmas.

I don't know what got into me.

- It's called the Christmas spirit.
- It's called insanity.

Ah. I can hear again.

I didn't expect headphone-related
hearing loss until my 's.

Well, I guess we're Jamaica-bound.

Ugh. What ever happened
to the whole global-warming thing?

SALEM:
Cheer up.

I complained to the -Cents Store

and they sent me
a baker's dozen of doughnuts.

Thirteen crullers calling.

Oh, yeah.

- It's official. All airports closed.
- Tsk.

Well, at least we all get to stay here
and have a white Christmas.

That's the spirit.

And you know what,
if we can't go to Jamaica, then...

[REGGAE BAND
PLAYING "JOY TO THE WORLD"]

We'll bring Jamaica here.

Yeah, mon.

Wow.
This is way better than a fruitcake.

Harvey.

Even though , people
are without electricity,

I'm happy you're snowed in.

- I get to spend Christmas with you.
- Ha-ha.

Well, let's grab a refreshment,
and groove to the reggae, mon.

Anybody wanna buy a pair
of slightly-used Bermudas?

I really see this, right?

This is not another daydream?

I'm sorry about the snow, Monkey.

I know how much you wanted
to go to Jamaica.

I do not care.
I am not alone on Christmas.

Let's boogie.

It was a show. Get over it.

There was no real Reuben Kincaid.

[GEESE HONKING]

Powell. Pressburger.

Oh, what a lovely gesture,
but we actually have a lot of clocks.

Not as many as you think.

We stole this, but we're sorry.

Well, the important thing is,
you righted a wrong.

And we heard you had jerk chicken.

I don't mean to pick on your elves,
but aren't you mixing themes?

What a great Christmas.

But it's strange
how it started snowing.

Mother Nature said
it was supposed to warm up.

Well...

Wait a minute, where's Hilda?

- Aunt Hilda?
- Yes, I admit it.

I'm selfish, but there was no way I was
going to Jamaica with Willard Kraft.

[PLAYING "JOY TO THE WORLD"]

ALL:
Happy holidays, everybody.