04x21 - The Four Faces of Sabrina

[bunniefuu]

Me, me, me.

Zelda, Zelda, Zelda.

Hey, why do you always
put the bills in my pile?

You're the one who insists
we have heat and running water.

- Zelda.
- Any mail for me?

Sorry, honey, not today.

Why is it taking so long to hear back
from the schools I applied to?

I mean, I got accepted
to the Columbia Record Club

in two days.

- Maybe this will help.
- Oh, great.

A lower rate for the mortgage
I don't have. Thanks.

[DING]

The Other Realm University.
Do you think I got in?

Oh, no, it's thin.
Acceptance letters are always thick.

Open it.

I got in! I got in!

To my alma mater.
Oh, honey, I'm so proud.

Oh, your first acceptance elephant.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

I'm not a peanut, tubbo.

Work couple hours.
Home for dinner.

Oh, Sabrina, wait.

Willard, I'm sure the school board
will renew your contract.

In the meantime,

try squeezing that little rubber ball
the doctor gave you.

I got you something.

"Oru"? Oh, great.

Because my "obu" T-shirt just tore.

It's from
the Other Realm University.

Come on, put it on.

There. Oh, just seeing you in that
makes me so happy.

Yeah, and, you know,
the extra layer will come in handy

in case there's a rogue May blizzard.

But it hardly ever bites.

Dreama, no. It's a mortal prom.

Wearing a live fox fur
could spread infection.

O.R.U. Oral Roberts?
Please say no.

No, I got into my aunt's alma mater.

Octagon Rectangle University.
It's got a great geometry programme.

But you've gotta go to Emerson.
I was counting on it.

Well, there's the little matter
of getting in.

Hey, we can check
the Emerson website right now

- and see if you got accepted.
- Oh, no, no, I can't look.

Ready?

You're in!

- Yes.
- Hey, it's like winning the lottery,

- but I'm still poor.
- And I got you a little something.

Wow, a sweatshirt.

And it's machine washable.

My life is perfect.

So how does it feel?

Hot and lumpy.

So is the food in the cafeteria.

It's a sign. You're going to Emerson.

Harvey, what are you doing here?

I got a letter from Boston College.

And I checked your mailbox.
You got one too.

That's a felony, but thanks.

- You wanna open them together?
- Desperately.

Why are you wearing
an Emerson sweatshirt?

To go with my Lake and Palmer
sweat socks.

Okay, on the count of three.
One, two, three.

- I'm in!
- I'm in!

- You're in?
- You're in?

- We're in!
- We're in!

You know what?
I got us these just in case.

Oh, I assumed we'd put off dressing
alike till we were in our mid s,

driving around Vegas
in our motor home, but...

Looks great.

Look out, Boston College.

I hope my aunts don't mind
paying three tuitions.

KRAFT:
Ow!

You know, I always say,
when the Kn*fe breaks, it's done.

If the government
is going to give away meat,

you'd think they could make it
a little more tender.

[WOMAN SNEEZES]

Hey, keep it down.

He meant gesundheit.

Monkey.

I know you're upset
about the school board,

but why don't you just call them
and find out what's going on?

I did, times.

And at cents a minute,
that gets expensive.

I'm sorry. Gosh.

You know, a person does a good job

and he's rewarded
by being dehumanised

and beaten into submission.

And I was in favour of all that.

Till it happened to me.

Oh, honey, I'm on your side.

Day or night, your Zoo Zoo
will always return your calls.

Well, great.

And all your supportive blather
has made me burn my free meat.

I feel like I'm being pulled
in three directions

by three people I care about.

- What do you think I should do?
- Hike.

We're not allowed
to play football in the house.

No, hike. Backpack.

Spend a year
tramping across the galaxy.

Instead of going to college?
Isn't that irresponsible?

It's what I did after high school.

And by irresponsible,
I mean fun and life-enriching.

See? Problem solved.

My filthy laundry
will look great in there.

Oh, we are going to have so much fun
planning your trek.

And don't let anyone tell you
to take the long way

to the twin peaks of Mars.

Unless you enjoy bleeding gums.

Okay, now I have four people
to disappoint.

Maybe this isn't the best time
to tell you,

but you got into
John Adams College.

Wow! Oh, I can't even think
about Adams.

But I really want you to go there.

- What?
- Just messing with you.

You know I always wanted you
to be a Green Beret.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Where have you been?

It's : in the morning.

I need to talk
about the school board.

Monkey, we talked, for hours.

We even took our phones to bed
in case you needed to talk some more.

And you did.

Now I need to sleep.

- I knew it.
- Knew what?

- You don't love me.
- What?

We talked until a.m.

I made you soup.

I held your hand
and your used tissues.

What are you doing for me now?

You know, Willard, it's late.

We're tired.
Let's not say things we mean.

Not talk to each other
for a couple of days.

What? You're breaking up with me?

No, I just think we need
a cooling-off period.

Which is female code
for breaking up.

You really should go.

So we're not gonna talk?

You forgot your--

[TYRES SCREECHING
& CAR CRASH]

Hilda?

Don't worry, I'm fine.
Just a little fender-bender.

Oh, I got bagels.

Hey! Stevie Wonder, drive much?

I was pulling into my driveway
and you backed into me.

By pulling in, I assume you mean
speeding at miles an hour.

No, but let's go back out
and do it that way.

I hate your boyfriend.

Now, let's all calm down.

The insurance companies
will sort it out.

No way. I'm not taking a rate hike

just because you live
with Speed Racer here.

- I am suing.
- Oh, that's it.

Willard, get out.

- Are you throwing me out?
- Yes.

- You're throwing me out?
- Yes.

Well, I'm sorry.

I can't stay here
under those conditions.

I am so mad.

Oh, don't be.
He doesn't have a case.

Not that.

I forgot the schmeer.

Emerson, Boston College,

Other Realm University,
backpacking.

Salem,
how do you make a decision?

You've come to the right man.

When I was a m*llitary leader,

I made life and death decisions
every day

and one method never failed me.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.

You are a wretched excuse

- for a sounding board.
- Whatever.

Sorry.

I've been awake
since : this morning,

having gone to bed at : .

Sabrina, you're looking
at The Magic of Physics.

Oh, you'll love that course.

Oh, well, it just sort of fell open.

And the professor,
what a wild-looking creature.

Griffin, I believe.

We'll check the yearbook.

Oh, good, I get to feel bad
and look at old yearbooks.

Good morning. Guess what.

I just found out that B.C. has their own
Sports Broadcasting Department.

Hey, another reason I should go.

Wanna drive to their football stadium
and pretend to announce a game?

I'd love to, but...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

apparently, we have company.

Spellman sees daylight
as she heads for the door.

Road trip, Cape Cod.

My frat's having a clambake.
You have to come.

- But tonight's the prom and--
HILDA: Sabrina, good news.

Apparently, I have an aunt in distress,
so we'll talk later, okay?

Voilà, lookie, lookie.

I got you a Uranus rail pass.

Should that be a good thing?

I'm gonna go find you my old map
of Alpha Centauri.

HARVEY: Sabrina.
JOSH: Sabrina, it's not until tomorrow.

ZELDA:
Sabrina, I found it.

HILDA:
Sabrina, good news.

HARVEY:
Are you ready?

JOSH: Sabrina?
ZELDA: Sabrina.

HARVEY: Sabrina.
HILDA: Sabrina.

JOSH: Sabrina.
ZELDA: Sabrina.

Oh, why can't I please
all the people I care about?

Different.

Either I just saw four Sabrinas

or that can of stewed meat
was way past its expiration date.

So I've made my decision.

I'm gonna go to Boston College.

Oh, that's fantastic.

- What made up your mind?
- I wanna make you happy.

Well, right now,
I am chock-full of happy.

HILDA:
You're going backpacking.

You'll be just like Jack Kerouac,
only sober.

I just wanna make you happy,
Aunt Hilda.

Oh, you are going to love Emerson.

Sabrina, I am so happy
that you're going to O.R.U.

And as one scholar to another,
let me just say, yippee.

[PANTING]

Oh, man,
I haven't done that much running

since the time I pretended
I was in a Benny Hill sketch.

This must be it.
Decisions, decisions.

Sabrina's indecisiveness
and need to please everyone

has caused her to be torn apart.

Literally.

I gotta do something.
I gotta warn her.

Or her or ju--

Ooh. A spell for shiny, manageable hair.

Hey, hello, future fellow lion.

Hey, what are you doing here?
Isn't your prom tonight?

Oh, my,
I have been so overwhelmed

with thinking
about going to your school

that I completely forgot about it.

Wait a second.

Did something happen
between you and Harvey?

I mean, don't let going to Emerson
hurt your relationship.

You know,
this prom is something special--

- Like to go to the prom with me?
- Absolutely.

You like gardenias?

Watch it.

BOTH:
For Boston, for Boston!

For thee and thine alone!

Let me guess, Sabrina's decided
to go to Boston College.

Yeah, B.C.'s got everything I want.

Good classes, fun
and most importantly,

Fridays
is eat-your-own-weight-in-noodles day.

Boolah. Boolah, boolah.

Come on, Harv, let's go grab
some guys and throw the ball.

Are you kidding?

Hi, tonight's the prom.

The culmination
of our entire high school experience.

Harvey and I have a lot to do.

I should take a shower.

- Ciao.
- Later, Sabrina. Sabrina?

Now, normally, we'd need
a subatomic particle accelerator

to fuse the molecules.

But with a pinch of magic
and a sprinkle of cardamom...

Voilà, we can create a new element
in the privacy of our own home.

Naturally,
I'm taking Intro to Magical Chemistry.

Oh, dear,
I've monopolised your whole day.

Shouldn't you be getting ready
for the prom?

But what about you? Aren't you
gonna chaperone with Mr. Kraft?

Well, I...

You see, Willard and I
stopped seeing each other.

Please don't cheer.

Aunt Zelda, I'm so sorry.

No matter what my personal feelings
are for him,

I know how much you cared about him
and somehow managed to love him.

I did.

And that's why I think you should go
to the prom

and remind him what a smart,
funny, attractive woman you are,

and leave him regretting the day
he was born.

What a wonderful idea.

There's no reason I can't go
and make him miserable.

Oh, but can't we just do
one more experiment?

Oh, Sabrina,

I've waited my whole life
to hear you say that.

What you doing?

I decided that pack is way too small for
all the things that you're gonna need.

That's why I got you this.

SABRINA:
A Sherpa and a yak?

Well, I hear they're great company,
and I'm sure I'll enjoy the Sherpa too.

Wanna come with me backpacking?

This is one of those
rites of passage

that you absolutely
have to experience alone.

Well, do you wanna come
to my prom with me tonight?

- Sure.
- Hey,

we can set off the sprinklers
during the slow dance.

Oh, I always knew
you liked me best.

I just can't shake
this nagging feeling

that there's something I'm supposed
to tell Hilda and Zelda.

Aunt Hilda, I'm running a little late.

HILDA:
Me too.

Oh, I forgot the blow-dryer.

If Josh calls, tell him I'm on my way.

Okay.

Another minutes.

HILDA:
Make it .

[THUNDER CRACKS]

That Other Realm beauty parlour
was a great idea.

I think I got all the mud out.

Well, there's no reason a woman
can't discover cold fusion

and look like her Internet start-up
just went public.

I'll be right down, Harvey.

I think I left my earrings
in the bathroom.

Wait. Now I remember.

[LAUGHS]

Nope.
Thought I had it there for a minute.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

- Oh, this is so lovely.
- Oh, this is so lovely.

Where's Harvey?
I thought he'd pick you up.

Oh, but I wanted to come with you.

- Is that Mr. Kraft?
- It sure is.

I'd recognise
that spray-on hair anywhere.

- He's looking.
- All right, just walk slowly.

- Think we lost him?
- Yeah.

That security guard
had no sense of humour.

- Confiscating our pig's blood?
- I know.

I swear, sometimes I think I'm the only
one who thought Carrie was a comedy.

Doesn't Westbridge
throw a great prom?

Go Westbridge.

It's nice to finally get
to slow dance with you

without a scoreboard
in the background.

- What would you like to drink?
- Oh, I want what you want.

Don't feel bad, Aunt Zelda.

I mean, in this light, Mr. Kraft
and the lunch lady do look a lot alike.

How'd you get here so fast?

I've been cooling my Guccis here
for about ten minutes.

That a different dress?

Than I had on yesterday.

Oh, delightful. Thank you.

Hope that wasn't awkward
with Harvey.

Why, is there spinach in my teeth?

Oh, is that one mine? Thanks.

What did you do with--? Your dress!

I have been waiting for you
to compliment it all night.

Oh, this is the best song.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

Was it about money?

No. My vacation plans?

No.

I've really gotta start
writing things down.

Hey, Alcerro.

Ta.

Harvey.

- Ah! Sabrina.
- Hi, Brad.

On, excuse me. I forgot something.

I am all over the place today.

I don't know what hurts worse,
my hands or my arm pits.

Willard.

Look at you, you look fan-- Ahem.

I mean, how are you?

Fine.
What in the world happened to you?

What do you think happened to me?

Your sister's malicious

and premeditated as*ault
on me and my property,

and I'm going to take her
for all she's worth.

- Nothing personal.
- Okay.

Continuing in the vein of things
not to be taken personally,

I am breaking up with you,
you duplicitous little worm.

Again, nothing personal.

Hey, have you seen Sabrina?

We were making fun of people

and I would hate for her
to miss this opportunity.

What are you doing here?

Well, actually,
I'm looking for Sabrina.

- Why?
- She's my date.

Does anyone have any lipstick
I could borrow? I forgot mine.

- Oh, sure, I always bring ex--
- Uh-oh.

What--?

It was something big.

So you think
you're here with Sabrina?

No, I know I'm here with Sabrina.

Hey, look, man.

I know you've had a thing for her
all year,

and I hate to use this kind of language,
but you're crossing over a line.

But Sabrina came with me

so we could make Willard
jealous and miserable.

I'm right here.

SABRINA : There must be
a logical explanation for this.

SABRINA : I don't know what's
going on. I'm the real Sabrina.

SABRINA : Wrong, I'm Sabrina.
- Sabrina?

SABRINAS [IN UNISON]:
Do you mind?

Interesting spell.

Get this straight, coffee boy.
Sabrina is my girl,

and this obsession
that you have with her has got to stop.

Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna leave you here
looking like a fool.

Far be it for me
to be the conscience of the group,

but it seems to me that none of you
are doing what you want.

Are you?

No.

I'm only going to the Other Realm U
to make Aunt Zelda happy.

Harvey.

Josh.

Well, it seems the question is
what does Sabrina wanna do?

[ALL SIGH]

No, you're wrong.

Sabrina and I came together

and immediately started making fun
of, well, whoever we saw.

Sabrina and I drove here together.

I haven't seen your niece

and it's been the only positive part
of this whole evening.

Hey, man, do you think I'd really come
to a high school dance by myself?

Miss Spellman,
would you please tell this guy

that Sabrina came with me?

She's a popular little miscreant.

If she likes you so much,
how come she's going to Emerson?

So she can be with you
and all your other imaginary friends?

She's going to Boston College.

Wrong. She's going backpacking.

Hilda, I sense a spell afoot.

You're right.
She's going backpacking.

You know, Zelda,
I am glad that we broke up.

No more ridiculous conversations
about Sabrina Spellman.

Excuse me, there are teen spirits here
that need to be squashed.

So we're all agreed?
We do what's best for Sabrina?

- Agreed.
- Molto agreed.

I'm not sure.

Kidding.
Don't g*ng up on yourself.

Well, I hope the four of me
didn't cause any trouble.

ZELDA:
Marquis of Queensbury, boys.

HILDA:
There's Sabrina.

Sabrina, by any chance,
has some magic gone awry?

Let's see, it's one of the biggest nights
of my high school life.

Of course
some magic has gone awry.

Sabrina, will you set Josh straight

and tell him you didn't invite him
to the prom?

- But I did invite him to the prom.
JOSH: See?

Did this conversation
just take a frightening turn?

No, I invited Josh to the prom

because I wanted you all here
to make a formal announcement.

So now that we're all wearing formals,
here goes.

I don't know
how you're all gonna take this,

but the school I really wanna go to
is Adams.

ZELDA: That's a great choice.
HILDA: Sure.

- You're not mad?
- We're fine with wherever you want.

Yeah.
We just want you to be happy.

Did you think otherwise?

Me?

No.

So are you upset
that you broke up with Willard?

No.

I'm calm and eager for revenge.

Let's get Willard
and his beaten-up Cordoba.

Cool déjà vu.

I had the same conversation
after my prom,

except it was about Brutus
and his beaten-up chariot.

SALEM: I just remembered something
really important I need to tell you.

I think you're a little late.

The cable guy called yesterday

and said he can't come out
until next Tuesday.