05x15 - Love Is a Many Complicated Thing

[bunniefuu]

There.

Nothing says love like a gussied up internal organ.

Any big Valentine plans?

No.

no, no big plans yet.

Behold, Hilda’s valentines brew.

I’m calling it cappu-pinko.

It looks like warmed over Pepto-Bismol.

Oh!

It tastes like it too.

That’s because it is.

Are you sure you’re not going overboard with this whole valentine thing?

Absolutely not.

Hilda’s is going to be the place for hot, young couples in the know.

Desserts, coffee, cabaret, I’m going to perform.

Can you think of a better way to end a romantic evening?

Argh, I can’t think of a faster way.

Oh, speaking of romantic evenings, I gotta get out of here.

I still have to make my plans for Valentines Day.

Which, I’m sure, includes a stop at Hilda’s?

Yeah, right.

It’s my first Valentines Day with Morgan.

I want everything to be perfect.

I’m planning a moonlight cruise around Boston harbour and as the boat gently rocks, we can snuggle beneath the stars.

Sound romantic enough?

Sure.

Only if you’re into that whole nautical display of affection thing.

I really admire you, Sabrina.

What do you mean?

Well, the guy that you’ve had a thing for is, apparently, head over heels for your roommate and you’re dealing with it like a mature, rational adult.

What does that feel like?

You just have to accept it and not let it get to you.

You know?

It’s nothing to get upset over.

Well, I am so impressed.

Dou you think you can help me finish off these decorations?

Mmm, no problem.

OK , maybe I am just a tad upset.

Sorry about that.

No, no problem.

Next time I get to lead.

Smooth.

Guys like a girl who can do her own stunts.

Isn’t he cute?

We’ve been smiling at each other all week.

I’m hoping he’s gonna' ask me out for Valentines Day.

Oh, please, don’t tell me you’re another one of those poor, pathetic souls who feels worthless if she doesn’t have a date for Valentines Day?

Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you now.

Sabrina, Valentines Day is nothing more than a commercial rip off.

They should just rename it St.Suckers Day.

Miles, tell her that Valentines Day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.

In cahoots with the flower companies and the catering manufacturers, and I have a hunch that the trilateral commission is also involved.

Phew, I never realised how much you two have in common.

So, Hilda, got any valentines plans?

Oh, yeah.

Big going's on down at the coffeehouse, and you?

Watching marathon.

Well, we’re doing better than most years my friend.

Cheers.

Of course, Zelda probably has incredible plans that will put us both to shame, just like she’s thrown in my face every Valentines' Day for the last six hundred and eleven years.

Guess again, girlfriend, I happened to catch a peek at her appointment book.

Salem!

That’s private!

Hey, I had to use the box and I needed something to read.

Does anyone know why there’s sand in my day-planner?

What are you smiling about?

Oh, nothing.

What you doing Wednesday?

Hoping to catch up on some reading, grading some papers.

Oh, my lord, look at that, it’s Valentines Day.

And, you don’t have any plans and I do!

I am throwing a huge Valentines bash down at my highly successful coffee establishment.

Hilda, when are you going to get it through your head that Valentines Day is not a competition between us?

I’ve been waiting for this day for six hundred and eleven years.

You really ought to get yourself a hobby.

I have a hobby.

Gloating!

Yes?

Hi, I hate to bother you, but I noticed that a few of your outgoing letters didn’t have stamps.

Oh, sorry about that.

Thank you for bringing it to my attention.

It’s my job.

And you do it so well.

Say, would you like to be my date for Valentines Day?

Well, sure.

Most people just give me a dollar or some stale candy.

Oh, a delightful sense of humour.

OK, well, um Wednesday then, see you at eight, argh.

Calvin.

Well, I’ll see you at eight Zelda.

or Hilda Spellman.

Zelda.

What?

Well, how could I say no and break his poor, little civil servant heart?

Oh, and you can make that six hundred and twelve in a row.

I don’t mind not having a date for Valentines Day, it’s just, I’m gonna' miss the romantic stuff, you know?

Yeah, I had this one romantic Valentines Day.

This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, a necklace and earrings.

Wow, that’s quite a haul.

Yeah, that’s what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.

Well, at least you know he’s not with another girl.

Oh, I’m sure I don’t wanna' hear another word about Valentines Day.

Hey, guys.

Guess what Josh and I are doing for Valentines Day?

Oh, well that was a blissful nanosecond.

Josh is gonna surprise me with roses.

Red, not pink.

And chocolate.

Dark, no nuts.

And then he’s taking me to dinner at this fabulous seafood place.

Gee, I never knew I was so thoughtful.

By the time she’s through with you, you’ll be thoughtful and broke.

Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me.

I will see you later.

What happened to the whole moonlit, romantic harbour cruise?

I never got a chance to tell her about it.

You know Morgan.

She knows what she wants.

Josh is so perfect.

I mean, sure, he needs a little push in the right direction, but what man doesn’t?

Oh, this is absolutely the best relationship I have ever been in.

Oh, well you certainly have a lot to compare it to.

Thank you.

So, what are your plans?

Oh, no big plans yet.

But I’m hoping something’s going to happen with this guy in my philosophy class.

Name?

Kevin O’.

something or other.

Kevin O’Connor.

Tall, artsy, asked me out, I rejected him.

Perfect for you!

Don’t worry, I will set the whole thing up.

Oh no, no, no, no.

You really don’t have to call him.

Please, Sabrina, it’s the least I can do.

I mean, I owe you.

For what?

You’re the one who introduced me to Josh.

Oh, well in that case, start dialling.

You owe me big time.

Don’t tell me you’re standing here trying to look cool just so Morgan’s friend can discover you in the hallway?

Why do you keep asking me questions you don’t want to hear the answers to?

Sabrina?

Hi, I’m Roxie and, yes, the poor girl with water coming out of her nose is Sabrina.

Yeah, it’s important to keep your nasal cavity well hydrated.

You must be Kevin.

Yeah, it’s nice to meet you.

Well, this is of weird, but I guess we have a date for Valentines Day.

Morgan did tell you that, right?

Because if she didn’t then things just got really weird.

No, no, no, she told me.

I’m really looking forward to it.

I mean, you know, if you are.

Oh, yeah.

Of course I am.

So, argh.

Morgan will give you the details.

She’s got the whole thing worked out.

Morgan?

Yeah, we’re doubling with her and Josh.

I think the four of us will have a really great time.

I’ll see you.

Bye.

The four of us?

Hmm, a double date with Pete and Patty Perfect.

That’ll be a rocking good time.

It won't be so bad.

I mean, Kevin seems nice and Morgan’s easy to take in small doses, , and Josh and I have so much history we’re practically like cousins.

All I can say is, I’d rather be in a Turkish prison that on that dumb date.

That could be so easy.

I can’t believe you’re actually going through with this.

What could you possibly have to say to a mailman?

Well it just so happens that I’ve been doing some reading.

and the history of the postal service is actually quite.

why is there sand all over it?

Airmail pilots were strong and brave.

You’re only going out with this guy so you’ll have a better Valentines Day than me.

Well, sister, and I mean that literally, this is gonna' be one for the record books, 'cause after tonight, I am gonna be the toast of Westbridge.

The queen of V.D.

Valentines Day.

That certainly says V.D.to me.

Morgan, hurry up.

We’re gonna be late!

Guess it’s just gonna be the two of us.

Got any plans for tonight?

What’s that supposed to mean?

We’re in the same house.

I’m not doing anything, and I just thought maybe we could play Risk or battleship, or.

I’m gonna go to my room now.

Roxie, why are you so mean to Miles?

I didn’t say anything.

You could destroy somebody with a look.

Yeah, it’s the one good thing I got from my mom.

We’re late, so make it quick.

Blah blah blah I look gorgeous.

blah blah blah.

Breathtaking!

OK, let’s move out, Spellman.

Bye, Roxie.

Have fun tonight.

And try to be nice to Miles.

I’ll try, as long a dork-boy doesn’t make me play Perquackey.

I have a feeling you won't mind.

Make Miles’ good points as clear as a bell, make Roxie think he’s really swell.

What are you mumbling?

Oh, argh, little pre-date pep-talk.

Go team!

Roxie.

I don’t mean, in any way, to inv*de your space, but I just remembered it’s Planet of the Apes week on the Sci-Fi channel.

Do you mind?

No, I guess.

not.

I never realized what beautiful eyes you have.

You aren’t, by any chance, talking to me, are you?

Do you see anyone else here?

So, argh.

argh, did you grow up in Westbridge?

Argh, yeah, well I, you know, I moved here when I was sixteen.

that’s really interesting.

No, it’s not!

Come on people, cut to the chase!

Now Sabrina writes for the paper and is an accomplished scuba diver.

Kevin writes songs and once won the battle of the bands.

You dive?-You write music?

Sometimes people just need a little push in the right direction.

And you’re awfully good at pushing.

Thank you.

If you would like to pick out your lobsters, we can get started on your entrées.

Oh, I can do it.

My dad's a seafood wholesaler, so I know my way around a crustacean.

Oh, make sure they’re alert, between two and three pounds and the shells aren’t discoloured.

Thanks for pointing that out.

You’re welcome, honey.

Oh, I’m starting to get that tingly feeling.

Is your throat closing up?

Because you might be allergic to the shrimp.

That is so weird, I just wrote a song about someone who’s allergic to shrimp.

Really?

Well it must be hard to find something that rhymes with allergic.

Hello!

Trying to express an emotion here.

I think tonight is the night that Josh is finally going to say I love you.

To you?

I mean, like here?

Tonight?

I didn’t know you guys were that serious about each other?

Very serious, but here’s my problem.

Now, when he says it, do I kiss him first, and then say it, or do I say it and then kiss him?

Say it and then kiss him.

Sabrina?

you know, why don’t I go mull it over in the little gulls room while I freshen up?

Let me guess, you didn’t trust me to pick out your lobster either?

No, I’m going to wash my hands.

Listen, Josh, I just wanna' say I’m really happy for you and Morgan.

I mean, I think it’s great that everything is working out for you guys.

Sabrina, I’m breaking up with Morgan tonight.

What?

I have had it.

I am so sick of her ordering me around and telling me what I should and shouldn't do.

But it’s Valentines Day.

Well, she’ll have something to remember it by.

A kiss-off.

and that cross-eyed lobster.

Josh, you can’t break up with Morgan, you really care about her.

I know, but she drives me insane.

All right, I give my heart and soul to her, I get nothing in return.

What am I supposed to do?

OK, but don’t do anything until I powder my nose.

Well, can’t that wait?

I guess it can’t.

Julie McCoy, I’d meet you on the Aloha Deck anytime.

Help, I’m having a little mid-date crisis.

You think you’ve got problems?

Captain Stubbing just got dumped by Phyllis Diller.

OK, so since the words Help and Crisis aren’t registering, is Aunt Zelda around?

Yep, she and Cliff Clavin are playing post office in the other room.

So.

So.

Oh, here’s a question.

Argh, the new nine digit zip code, crazy fad or here to stay?

I’m not sure,

I think it’s a law or something.

Aunt Zelda, sorry to interrupt.

Oh, you’re not interrupting.

Sabrina, meet our new mailman, Calvin.

Sit, eat, let me get you a plate.

You’re the niece, aren’t you supposed to be on a date?

Oh, I was on, I mean I am on a date, but the whole Josh, Morgan thing just exploded.

Well, give me the shorthand.

Who’s Josh, who’s Morgan?

Well, Morgan’s my roommate and Josh is her boyfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend while I still had a boyfriend, but once I got rid of that boyfriend and wanted Josh for my boyfriend, we were just friends.

With you so far.

Now he wants to break up with Morgan because he thinks that she doesn’t like him but I know that she does.

I’m sorry, what’s the problem?

If I don’t say anything to Morgan and they break up, that makes Josh technically available.

It’s an interesting dilemma.

Does Sabrina help them fix their relationship or does she keep her mouth shut and claim the man who could be rightfully hers?

Exactly.

Well, in that case Sabrina, Morgan’s your friend.

You’re going to have to put your own feelings aside and do whatever you can to help her.

But she can’t deny her feelings for Josh.

Hence the dilemma.

Is there any kind of um.

magical solution that might solve this?

Afraid not.

No, your Aunt's right.

There are no simple solutions when it comes to relationships.

Do everything you can to help your friends, then if they still break up, you won't feel guilty about, argh, making your move.

Wow.

That’s good advice.

Thanks, mailman.

Gotta go'.

You know, that really was good advice.

I had no idea you were so sensitive.

Do you have any idea how many copies of I deliver?

Sorry, but you know how ladies rooms can be.

or maybe you don’t.

I hope you don’t.

Oh, look, lobster!

Oh, they’re so small.

I told you to get the ones that were bigger.

Oh, well, argh, sometimes they take a few minutes to plump.

Happy?

Yeah, of course she’s happy, everyone’s happy.

Are you happy, Kevin?

Yeah, and if the waiter brings me a big bib I’ll be really happy.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

No one eats until we have a toast.

Morgan, maybe they don’t wanna' toast.

Maybe they’d just like to eat.

Josh, what is the matter with you?

You’re always telling everyone what to do.

Is that what you think?

Yeah, it is.

Argh, well I, you know, I think he means that sometimes you can just be like a tad over.

Excuse me.

Our business.

Don’t yell at Sabrina, she's just trying to help.

I don’t need her help.

Right, you don’t anything from anybody.

What I don’t need is your attitude.

Oh, really?

Do you want a list of things I don’t need from you?

Oh, a list?

Nice to see you’ve finally organised something on your own for a change.

I am so out of here!

And don’t even try and stop me.

Morgan, wait.

If you see the waiter, could you tell him that we need some more butter?

Look, I am sorry you guys had to see that.

I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with Morgan.

Let’s face it, we were never meant to be together.

I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.

Josh, Morgan is in love with you.

What?

She told you that?

Yeah, she told us that while you were over playing God with the lobsters.

Really, well, if she’s in love with me, why is she always bossing me around?

Well, maybe she doesn’t know it bothers you.

Maybe that’s just her style.

Have you ever talked to her about it?

No.

Well, I think you owe it to yourself and to Morgan to get all your feelings out there before you break up.

Or get back together.

Maybe you’re right.

Josh, I think you need to talk to her.

Yeah, well after that cr*ck about the butter, I don’t think that’ll be an option.

Good point.

Gotta go'.

Oh, hey.

What about our date?

Oh, it was fun.

Call me.

Come on, Miles, it’s no big deal, I just wanna' hold you.

I understand the situation, but intimacy’s very frightening for me.

Then get ready to be terrified.

If anybody cares, I had a very traumatic evening.

That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window?

Well, I’ve got a window too.

Morgan, you're here.

I really want to talk to you about this evening.

How could Josh treat me like that?

I thought he cared about me.

He does care about you, he just.

doesn’t like to be bossed around.

So, I have an opinion.

If I hadn’t organised the whole evening, we never would have gone anywhere.

Yes, you would have.

Josh wanted to take you on a romantic moonlight cruise.

Really?

But why didn’t he tell me?

You didn’t give him a chance to.

If you guys don’t start listening to each other more, you’re gonna end up bossing around somebody new every month.

Well, that’s what I used to do.

until Josh.

He’s so sweet and sensitive.

You know, the one guy that I actually could see having a long term relationship with.

Oh, Sabrina, I don’t want it to be over.

Don’t tell me, tell him.

But, I.

I don’t even know where he is.

Argh, he’s at the coffeehouse.

How do you know?

Oh, just call it a hunch.

I’ve gotta' get some coffee!

Well, hello, welcome to Hilda’s.

Oh take a seat.

So, are you ready to give up?

Admit that my Valentines is ten times more fabulous than yours could ever be?

Actually, this date is going extremely well.

This mailman delivers.

Aargh, just so I’m clear, you’re saying that this random guy who arbitrarily rang our doorbell is turning out to be your dream date?

It’s a crazy world.

Yeah, it’s freaking hysterical!

All right, you’re done.

OK, happy Valentines Day.

What a great holiday.

I’m about one bad relationship away from being one of those women who has thirty cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends.

Hurry Back, Big Fat Lier, Diners Ready.

I had another cat, Can’t Commit, but he ran away.

Oh, there’s Josh, go talk to him.

Oh, I can’t.

Well if you don’t, I will, and who knows what I’ll say?

All right, I’m going.

Thanks, Sabrina.

Hi.

Hey, honey, are you OK?

Yeah, I did the right thing.

Josh and Morgan should be together and.

well, I should just get on with my life.

Well, hey, how was the guy you went out with?

Oh, he was really cute, but I screwed up the whole date before I even got a chance to know him.

I’m going to go home and eat my weight in chocolates now.

Oops, sorry.

Oh, hey, we gotta' stop meeting like this.

Kevin, look, I’m really sorry about tonight, I handled things really badly.

Do you think we could try it again?

Yeah, I’d like that.

So can I, argh, buy you a cup of coffee?

Sure.

Here’s another thing I hate about people in relationships.

That they’re in relationships.

You know, I know a great place down the street.

Yeah.

I had a really great time tonight.

Yeah, we’re on a role, you know.

It’s our first night out and we’ve already had two dates.

So, is it too early if I call you tomorrow?

You can call me as soon as I get inside.

Whoops, I guess Miles had a few more good points than I realized.

I know how this looks.

I tried to put up a fight but she’s very persistent.

Oh, well since it’s almost the end of Valentines night, let’s give Roxie back her bite.

Oh, my God!

What have I done?

You’ve made this the most special Valentines Day ever.

You repulse me!

I’m OK with that!