07x13 - Sabrina in Wonderland

[bunniefuu]

I'm late, I'm late,

but not so late
that I don't have time to ask,

"What the heck is going on?"

Just trying to start my day
in a civilized manner.

Are you sure you wouldn't like
a little tea, Mr. Wiggles?

Salem, you can dress it up and call it
whatever you want, but it has to go.

But I want a pet.

- Hate to break it to you: You're the pet.
- Qué?

I don't think my roommates
will find this

cat-and-bunny show
within the scope of their reality.

Morning, Sabrina.

Hey, Roxie. Hi, Harvey.

Cute jacket. Coffee.

Fortunately, she has her own reality.

Fine or ultra fine?

I think I'm gonna go
with the ultra fine.

Fine, Leonard.

You're right.
The ultra fine is too thin.

No, I don't care what kind of pens
you pick out for the office.

This is a huge decision.

One that we are gonna be writing with
for the next few months of our lives.

I know it's scary, but just pick a pen
and make a commitment.

- But...
- No more pen talk.

- I just want to...
- None. I have a lot to do, okay?

I don't have time
for any more distractions.

Unless they're wearing a leather jacket
and have a perfectly chiseled jaw.

Yeah, yeah.

I think an article on the band's
first album would be great.

Especially if I'm the one writing it.

All right,
you just tell me what you need, okay?

Launching this band
is my number-one priority.

I am completely...

...focused.

Ooh, is he still looking?

- Yeah.
- Ahem.

Oh, now he's smiling.

Now Cole looks like
he's saying something a little snotty.

Oh, now he's laughing.
But not too much.

Hey.

But he seems awfully friendly.

- Well, do you know who he is?
- Uh, no.

But you're about to find out.
He's coming here.

- You want me to go?
- No. Oh, go.

Stay. Okay, go.

It's a good thing
you're not a crossing guard.

No, I mean it. Go.

You know, you're smoking.

- Wow, talk about your opening lines.
- Heh, heh.

No, I kind of meant the, um,
pen that you're sharpening.

Oh. Uh.

Now it's perfect. Ha, ha.
Now it's ultra, ultra fine.

Ha, ha. Hi, I'm Aaron Jacobs.

Aaron Jacobs, the band promoter
I've heard so much about

and oh-so incorrectly pictured
with a beer belly and a bad rug?

- Ha, ha.
- I'm Sabrina.

Spellman?

The, uh, girl
whose column I never miss.

- Nice to finally meet you.
- Heh.

I'm sorry if my hands are sweaty.

Um, I was just, um, flexing
one of those exercise thingies, heh.

It's okay. My, uh, heart is b*ating
so fast I didn't really notice.

Yup. Probably too much caffeine,
you know. Heh.

- You know, I love your writing.
- I love your band.

I just wanted to, um, tell you
that I'm a big fan of your writing.

You know, it's, um, honest.

Oh, well, I try.

You know, my motto is,
"Give me some truth."

John Lennon song, right?

Sounds like
we might have a lot in common.

I mean, at least musically speaking.

Oh, I'm betting
way more than musically.

Phew. Is it hot in here.

Well, look,
you've, uh, probably got a lot to do now

that your, um, pen is ready to go.

- So, uh, I was wondering maybe we...
- Whoa, is that the time?

Uh, you know,
I, uh, was supposed to, um...

People, you know. Ha-ha-ha.

And it was very nice. I gotta go.

FYI, she's not interested in
charm and good looks.

Trust me, or, uh...
Well, she'd already be taken.

You ran out? Without him?

That is so not how this story
is supposed to end.

I'm telling you, I don't know
what happened. I just panicked.

Well, if you want my professional
dating opinion, you're an idiot.

Going with Big Red on this one.

Well, my head, my mouth, my heart,
they were all out of control.

I think my feet just assessed
the situation and screamed "fire."

Sabrina,
that sweaty-palmed, heart-racing,

stomach-in-your-throat feeling
is what dating is all about.

That and a free dinner.

ROXIE:
She's right, sort of.

You know, I'm not a big believer
of love at first sight,

but that sounds exactly like
what this is.

You owe it to yourself to find out.

I don't know, you guys weren't there.

There's something about him
that just wasn't right.

Not right is you talking yourself
out of liking this guy

because he has some mythical host
of unknown problems.

You know,
she does that all the time.

Okay, the ganging-up thing?
Little annoying.

All right, maybe I overreacted.

I mean, if the Fates ever throw us
together again and he asks me out,

I'll go.

The Fates have a very twisted
sense of humor. That's him.

Don't look.

Here he comes.

Oh, my God. I'm getting a zit.

SABRINA:
Maybe he is the one.

And this is how I always pictured
it would be.

It's like time is standing still.

Wait a minute.

Time really is standing still.

Aah! And I did it.
Why would I do that?

Maybe I'm sensing danger.

Maybe I'm supposed
to protect myself.

Maybe I should stop
talking to myself.

Hi.

I'm not quite sure
what happened this afternoon

but, um, I promised myself if the Fates
ever threw us together again...

No, I gotta go.

You've gotta admit, she's quick.

And don't take it too personally.

You know, fast, unexplained exits
are kind of her specialty.

Oh, I was right.

"When a witch perceives
extraordinary danger,

time may freeze so she can
access the situation and escape."

To Tahiti with the cat.

Worth a sh*t.

You know,
it doesn't actually say he's a thr*at.

Well, I just have to figure out
why I'm so scared of Aaron.

I got it. Call him up.

Meet for coffee? Catch a flick?

Look, I stopped time.
Clearly, something is amiss.

Oh, here, here's a spell to figure out
what makes somebody tick.

"To know a person's intentions,
gather something from their head,

mouth and heart."

Okay, head, mouth and heart.
Where's my, uh?

Oh, never mind. You can keep it.

Hi and bye.

You know,
if this is about overwatering the plants,

I swear I did it out of love.

Sabrina, this is a dating intervention.

Aaron seems like a great guy.

Yeah, what is wrong with you?

Handsome, smart and funny
is like winning the dating lottery.

Without having to stand in line
with poor people.

You haven't really dated anyone
since Josh.

We're beginning to think
you've forgotten how.

Whoa. Have either of you
actually talked to him?

Do you know anything about him?

Let's just say he wasn't super-chatty
after your most recent dine and dash.

Besides, those are all things you learn
by going on a date with someone.

Look, I know you guys mean well,

but you're just gonna have
to trust me on this one.

Ever feel like you're only getting
half the story?

Every other day of my life.

Something from his head.

Well, it's been almost a year
since we broke up,

but she still calls.

Not over your ex yet,
eh, sonny boy?

- Typical.
- I beg your pardon?

Uh, just making conversation,
hold still. Unh.

- Oops.
- "Oops"?

Well, you know, in my defense,
I did tell you to hold still.

Something from his mouth.

Fillings? Tongue?

Spit?

Ouch, ouch and gross.

James, if you, uh, hypothetically had to
get something from somebody's mouth

for a way out-of-control
scavenger hunt, what would it be?

Well, I know what you'd get
from my mouth.

Probably words
you wouldn't wanna hear.

Like, "What kind of
stupid question is that?"

- Was that helpful?
- Not at all.

I tried.

Finally. It's about time, man.
You got those contact sheets?

Don't forget
to drop off contact sheets at Scorch.

Ah. You got it bad, man. That's...

She was right here
two seconds ago.

Yeah, that's okay.

I seem to have that effect on her.

All right.

Uh, top of the list
for the scavenger hunt, chewed gum.

Okay, now something from his heart,
or as they say in español, "el hearto."

I don't know about this place, Aaron.

There's a serious cheese factor
going on.

Ha, ha. Oh, really? I think it's great.

You know, it's so retro.

It kind of reminds me of Happy Days.
I loved that show.

That'll do.

"Olé- ter."

So you still chasing
that writer chick?

Hey, any girl who looks like that
and can quote Lennon,

she's the girl for me.

Hi, normally I don't interfere
with my friends' lives,

but I think I'm about to make
a big exception.

I have to mix this all together and I'll
finally know what makes Aaron tick.

Something from his head,
a lock of hair.

Something from his mouth,
words he spoke.

And something from his heart.

He really loved your show, Potsie.

Thanks, Mrs. C.

Cool. What makes him tick?

A watch, of course.

Hey, look,
it even has his name on the back.

You know, that's gonna make it
impossible to return.

I just have to wind this sucker up

and I'll finally know
what sinister thoughts

are lurking beneath
that cool handsome exterior.

Sabrina, we need to talk.

Oh, cute. Salem's got a pet.

Yeah, and they need time to bond.
So why don't we talk in the other room.

Morgan, I'm really busy,
so if there's any way this could wait...

There is not. It's too important.

Well, then make it quick.

First of all,
you're missing an earring.

And it looks like something
gnawed a hole in your sweater.

Oh, I love this sweater.

Oh, someone is this close
to becoming stew.

Sabrina, I think that I am
a little more experienced

in matters of the heart than you are.

I really believe that you are missing
a huge opportunity with Aaron.

- And it's only because...
- Morgan, you have to trust me.

I mean, there might be a lot more
to this guy than we know.

Give me two minutes and we'll be
discussing his prison record.

What? Prison?

Oh, my God. Roxie.

Okay, now, let's find out
what makes Aaron...

The watch, it's gone. Where is it?

You know the old expression,
"Hare today, gone to Maui"?

See?
This is why you cannot have a pet.

Okay, where are you,
you furry little pickpocket?

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- You startled me.
- Oh, what are you doing here?

Uh, you didn't happen to see
a rabbit go by, did you?

Uh, no.

Look, I know this might seem
kind of weird and stalkery,

but, you know,
I have on good authority that...

You're gonna run away again,
aren't you?

Afraid so.

I swear, rabbit, you better
give me back that watch or else.

[GRUNTS]

Whoa.

I'm guessing this would be
the "or else."

Nice hole. Very rustic.

A journey first you must take.
Love and future are at stake.

I have spent way too much time
and energy making that watch.

I've gotta figure out

what makes that hunky stranger
lurking in my house tick.

- I don't have time for your magical...
- Cookie?

Maybe just one.

SABRINA [IN HIGH VOICE]:
Hey, come back here.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Whoa, talk about carbo loading.

- So how did it go?
- Better.

I almost got out a whole sentence
this time before she ran out.

Well, I know she'll be back.
She's pretty partial to dinner.

Yeah, that may be,
but I think it's time I took the hint.

No, please.
Come in for a few minutes.

You know
you want to see her again.

Okay, fine. But I have my dignity.

If she's not back in a week,
I'm out of here.

You know you've got
a big chunk of hair missing

from the back of your head?

CATERPILLAR:
Hey, baby.

Ha, ha. Nice dress.

You should talk. James?

I answer to a lot of names,
but James ain't one of them.

Of course you don't.

Why populate an annoying
alternative universe

with annoying people I know?

- That was rhetorical, right?
- Yeah.

So, uh, have you by any chance seen
an exceptionally spry white rabbit

with a pocket full of stolen property
pass by?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, except he was more brown
than white.

And, you know, he wasn't so much
a rabbit as he was a tree squirrel.

Come to think of it,
that may have been Tuesday.

Bottom line me,
have you seen him or not?

No, I guess not.

Has anyone told you
you're misleading?

Just this furry little guy
with a big pocket watch.

- So you did see him?
- Who?

[SIGHS]

All right, he may have mentioned
that I had a lot in common

with this watch he was carrying.

The watch? What did it say?

All I saw was the word misleading
on his face.

Aaron is misleading?
Not a quality you want in a boyfriend.

Ooh, you single?

How about you put me in a shoebox
and take me home?

No, but, uh, I'll look you up
the next time I go fishing.

No, Sabrina has lived here
since high school.

So, what about you?
Where are you from?

Oh, all over.
We moved around a lot.

Roxie, I'm so glad I found you.

I went all the way to the diner
to warn you...

Not to have the pulled pork.

- It's bad.
- Uh, oh, okay.

So, what else can I tell you
about Sabrina?

What are you doing?

I, uh... Trying to subtly get you
to come over here.

Excuse me for just one second.

What is he doing here?

Sabrina thinks that he may have
a prison record, or worse.

You're insane.

And I don't mean your normal,
nutty, endearing insane.

He's a great guy.

He's just asking a ton of questions
about Sabrina and...

And being incredibly vague
any time I ask him about himself.

Who's being endearing now?

Okay, I'll keep an eye on him.

You try and find Sabrina.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

And how creepy is it
that he's just hanging out here?

Well, I did invite him to stay,
but he accepted awfully quick.

Very suspicious.

Oh, good, good,
another guest has arrived.

No, no, no, I'm not staying. I just...

Whoa, do the names Leonard
and Cole mean anything to you guys?

No, but if they're coming,
they have to bring their own chairs.

Oh, and cheese.
Cheese would be nice.

I'm reluctant to ask,
but have you seen the White Rabbit?

Oh, yes.
We know exactly where he is.

We won't tell you
until you have a cup of tea with us.

All right, but it has to be quick.

Because I've got company upstairs,

you know, with a misleading heart,
but great hair.

- It has to be a very small cup.
- Sure.

- No, don't sit there.
- Why not?

Well,
what if I want to sit there later?

Wow, self-centered
in two different dimensions.

So, what will it be?

We have black tea, brown tea,
green tea, chamomile, Darjeeling,

jasmine, orange pekoe...

I'm sitting there now.

- Oolong, almond, blackberry,
peppermint...

- Excuse me, I'm sitting there.
- Pick a tea and pick a seat.

No, that would require
too much of a commitment.

Commitment is bad.
Very afraid of commitment are we.

It's just like the rabbit's watch read.

- The watch said fear of commitment?
- Plain as day.

It was fairly committed
to its fear of commitment.

Wonderland has been irritating
and perplexing,

but at least now I know
what makes Aaron tick.

Who wants to get involved
with somebody

who's afraid of commitment?

I'm trying to find somebody
who won't steal my chair.

Irish, peach, chrysanthemum, ginger.
Oh, dear.

Looking for someone?

Salem... I'm not even gonna ask.
Yes, I'm looking for someone.

Any idea where the White Rabbit
might be?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Impressive, but I don't have
time for all this double talk,

riddle-me-this, riddle-me-that,
fading-in-and-out business.

It's my best trick.

Wanna see my best trick?
It's called toothless Cheshire.

Point taken.

He's playing croquet
with the queen.

Dang. I always forget.

Whenever you fall
into a parallel fairy-tale universe,

always skip ahead
to the last chapter.

Oh, did you see the watch?

Excellent craftsmanship.

But you probably want to know
about the big secret.

Finally, we're getting somewhere.
What's the big secret?

How should I know?
It just said "big secret."

You know, another thing
I always forget. Cats:

Unhelpful no matter
what story you're telling.

So that's it?

That's all you have to say
about the last three years of your life?

You quit MTV, started your own label,
got into A and R

and now manage a band?

Sounds just a little sketchy.

Okay, I think my time here
is just about up.

Oh, not so fast.

What makes you think
you deserve a girl

as special as Sabrina
in the first place?

You know, I'm not uncomfortable
with waiting in silence.

- You broke my wicket.
- Well, I think you broke my foot.

- Off with her head.
- What?

- You're kidding.
- Kind of.

I just like saying it.

So up for a game of croquet?

Oh, no, I'm not really one for games.

Although I would be up
for a hand or two of gin rummy.

That's too bad.

Playing games is what really makes
that watch of yours tick.

Aaron's a game player too?

You know,
this is getting worse by the character.

I thought I might find
the White Rabbit here.

Oh, he's already played through.

But if you can get your ball
to the other end of the field...

I can see him
and be through with this farce?

That's the game.

A Number flamingo,
diamond boy.

And stand back.

Fore!

[CLOCKS TICKING]

Okay, rabbit,
what do you have to say for yourself?

Close your eyes and touch the tree,
you'll find the watch you need to see.

For crying out...

You show the watch
to every caterpillar, cat,

and crazed milliner you come across,
but I'm the one who has to choose?

Fine.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Hey, it worked.

"Misleading, fear of commitment,
games player, big secret."

Happy you do not seem.

Well, I guess part of me
was kind of hoping

that Aaron would turn out
to be a good guy,

but all the awful things everybody here
told me about him were true.

What? This is my watch?

At Salem's request,
I made it for thee

with the ring from your ear, a pencil
and the sweater you hold so dear.

But I don't understand. I mean...

Sure I've been misleading and I guess
you can say I've been playing games,

and heaven knows
I have a big secret,

but am I really so afraid of commitment
that I'd stop time?

We must know our own heart
before we can know that of another.

Well, I guess I really was trying
to protect myself.

I mean, Aaron is someone
I could totally fall for

and I just don't want
to get hurt again.

[RINGING NEARBY]

The truth we know
for it rings so clear.

So, what's up with this whole Yoda,
Confucius, grasshopper thing?

Yeah, the tourists seem to like it.

Thank goodness you're back.
You were right about Aaron.

He's here and there's something
very strange about him.

I don't think he's the problem.

Hey.

Hi.

Look, I know I owe you
a huge explanation,

but I don't really have one.

All I can say is that I'm sorry
and that I'm scared

and I didn't mean
to play games with you.

The point is, I'm not the kind of girl
you should be running after.

Hey.

Then stop running.

Well, when you put it like that.
Ha, ha.

Are you sure you don't want to at least
take a peek at Aaron's watch?

Nope. I want to find out what makes
him tick the old-fashioned way.

You know, you could have told me
that your little white rabbit friend

was the White Rabbit.

I thought you met him
at my cousin Cheryl's bat mitzvah.

Oh. He looks different sober.

That was a very nice thing
you did for me.

I just didn't want to see you
making a big mistake.

And it might be nice
to see you in love again.

You're turning into a real softy.

- Promise not to tell anyone?
- Promise.

We're not gonna hug, are we?

No, you're safe.

SALEM:
Because I wouldn't mind.