08x26 - The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, Sam

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Bewitched". Aired: September 17, 1964 - March 25, 1972.
Samantha falls in love with and marries Darrin Stephens only for him to find out that his new wife is one of a secret society of powerful witches and warlocks and that a twitch of her nose brings magic.
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08x26 - The Truth, Nothing But the Truth, So Help Me, Sam

Post by bunniefuu »

this is Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned
for Bewitched.


Out here.

What are you doing?

Uh, potting.

I, uh... I thought you were gonna
sleep late this morning.

Yeah, but I find it hard
to sleep in a half-empty bed.

Oh, heh. Well, I had
these pots on my mind...

Oh, I must look a mess.

Yeah, but what a beautiful mess.

Let's see, now.
There's a nice clean spot.


Let me wash up.
I'll fix you some breakfast.

I haven't got time
for breakfast.

I have
an 11:00 appointment.

Then I have to stop off
and pick up

a special surprise
I found for you.

What's the occasion?

It's an everyday occasion.
I love you.


I'm getting nauseous.

Up here, my darlings.

Endora, must you show up
without any warning?

Like the flu?

Durwood, you are very ignorable.

Let's keep it that way.

Mo... Oh.


Sweetheart, don't forget
that Larry and the Franklins

are coming over for dinner tonight.
No, no.

I'll be home early.

I still say
you're a beautiful mess.


The bologna in this place

could supply a delicatessen
for a year.

Mother, if you don't like it,

why don't you go someplace

where the eavesdropping
is better?

The way you lap up that syrup,
my darling, it's pathetic.

Why shouldn't I?

Because he's a mortal.

And because
when your average mortal

starts bringing home presents
to his wife,

and there's no occasion,

believe me,
there's been an occasion.

You have a very suspicious mind.

Your naiveté is sick-making.

Or are you living on
fabrications just as they do?

No, I'm not.

Darrin is not
your average mortal.

He doesn't tell lies.

Nonsense, they're all the same.

Every one of them,
including your precious Durwood.

Why, I wager...


I just remembered
something urgent I have to do.

I won't be long.

Well, take your time.


Love is blind.

Oh, well.




Good morning, Betty.
Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, Betty, I wanna show you

a little gift I bought
for Mrs. Stephens.

Oh, what's the occasion?

Oh, no occasion.

Just like that?

Aren't you sweet.

She happens to be crazy
about unicorns.


Right. It's her favorite animal.


Um, a mythical favorite.

Anyway, I found this
in an antique store,

and I can't wait
to give it to her.

Upon that unicorn I put my spell.

Approach it
And the truth you'll tell.

Step back
And once again you'll speak.

Those lies so dear
To mortals weak

I wish my boyfriend
were like you.

Especially I wish
he were married like you, to me.

Do you know
how long we've been engaged?

Eight years. It's a disgrace.

Oh, it's lovely.


Eight years, huh?

Has your boyfriend
ever seen you in that dress?

I beg your pardon.

Yes, sir.

That's some tight dress,
is what it is.


I-I'm sorry if I'm wearing
something that's inappropriate.

No, no, uh, not at all.

It's a charming dress, Betty,

and I have no right
to be so personal.


I don't mind your being
personal, Mr. Stephens.

To tell the truth, I wore
this dress especially for you.

I hoped it'd get to you.

It's two sizes too small,
and I thought it would be nice

if you noticed I was a woman,
just once.

Mr. Stephens, I...
I was only kidding, really.

I don't know
what made me say that.

Yeah, well, that makes us even.


Mr. Stephens' office.

Yes, sir, I'll...
I'll ask him.

It's Mr. Tate. He wants to know
if you've come up with anything

on the
Cora May Sportswear account.

Yes, I've come up with
a beautiful case of indigestion.

Uh, hi, Larry.

The answer is no,
I haven't come up with a thing.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hear me out.

In view of the fact

that you gave
everybody else in the office

a chance at losing that account
before you gave it to me,

and considering the fact
that I've been on the account

for exactly 24 hours, I think
you've got a lot of nerve

expecting me to perform


Oh, good.


I can tell you this
to your face.

You spent a year

running the Cora May account
into the ground, and...


And, uh, uh,
no one in my time or memory

has ever put up a more valiant
struggle to save a sinking ship.

Is this some kind of a joke?

Oh, I knew I could rely
on your sense of humor, Larry.


It's a pretty dumb joke,
if you ask me.

Yeah, I guess it was.

What's bugging you this morning?

I gave you
the sportswear account

because I thought
it would be a challenge.


And I wanted no part of it.

She's a miserable lady.

I hate doing business
with women, anyway.

It's a marginal product,
and I have no intention

of knocking myself out.

Besides, I'm king of the hill
in this agency.

That's the way things are.

Right, Larry. Sure.

I hope you'll be
in a better mood tonight.

Oh, don't worry,
I'll be a good boy.




I didn't really mean
all that stuff

about the king of the hill.

It's just that, if anyone
can land that account,

you can.

See you tonight.

I'll, uh, be
looking forward to it.



Big sh*t.


I'm coming, I'm coming.

How do you do, madam?

Do you believe in magic?
Probably not.

But I'm sure you'll agree

that anything that makes
housecleaning a pleasure

has to be magic.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but...

Think of what you can do
with the time you save.

I tell you,
the Mindmaster Vacuum Cleaner

is sweeping the country.

"Sweeping the country," get it?

[LAUGHING] I get it.

Just a minute, buddy.
I was here first.

It's my husband.

Oh, how do you do, sir?

I was just telling the little
lady what a great little...


What a dog
this vacuum cleaner is.

I mean, that's what
I should have been telling her.

I take it you're not interested.


Well, you can't win 'em all.

With this dud,
I can't seem to win any of them.

What got into him?

Can't imagine.

Well, I suppose
there comes a time

when a man just
can't hack it anymore.

What kind of a kiss
do you call that?

A cautious kiss.

I didn't feel
like getting a roller in my eye.

Oh, sweetheart,
I... I'm sorry.

I just finished
putting up my hair,

when that pest arrived.
Do you mind?

Of course I do. All men do.

If women just realized
how ridiculous and unfeminine

they looked with all that
hardware in their hair...

You want me to look pretty,
don't you?

Well, look at it this way.

How would you feel if I came
tripping down the stairs,

with shaving cream
all over my face,

and offered you
my forehead to kiss?


Well, I wouldn't be
at my most attractive, would I?

Well, no, you're not right now.

I think his honesty
is very refreshing.

Thank you.

If the sight of me
is so distressing,

I'll just go back upstairs.


Endora, there are lots of things
I don't need right now,

and you're on the top
of the list.


SAM: Mother, dear?

You still find
his honesty refreshing?


Oh, sweetheart,
here's that surprise

I told you about this morning.



Oh, Darrin, it's beautiful.
Mother, look.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Who picked it out for you,

Oh, oh.


Let's see,
it isn't your birthday,

it isn't your anniversary.

So there's only one explanation.

Durwood has a guilty conscience.

Oh, Mother.
Stop being yourself.

That's like asking
Niagara to fall up.

All right, all right.
Mother, bye-bye.

Earlier, I couldn't help
but overhear

that you were having
a little, uh, dinner party?

So why don't you two run up
and get dressed?

I hope you have
a lovely evening.

Thank you, Mother.

ENDORA: Don't worry
about your mother.

I'll find something to eat,

Okay, fine.

Darrin, don't make Mother angry.

She's very difficult
when she gets angry.

Since when does she have to be
angry to be difficult?

You're right, Durweed.

I don't have to be angry
to be difficult.

But it helps.

Oh, Darrin, when are you going
to learn that Mother knows best?

And what Mother knows best

is how to be difficult.

Well, so far so good.

It's possible that your mother
has come to understand

that you cannot mix in-laws
with business dinners.

Mm-hm. It's possible.

It's also possible
that it don't rain

in Indianapolis
in the summertime.



You talk about women's lib.
Why, to me, it's laughable.

Any woman worth her salt
can make it

if she has the will
and the talent.

Why, I started my own company
at the age of 25.

Is that right?
My, that's really impressive.

Ha, ha. You must be very proud
of you wife, Mr. Franklin.

Hm? Oh, yes, indeed.
She's quite, eh, remarkable.

Thank you, dear.

You're slouching.

Oh, speaking of business,

I think you should
know that we at McMann & Tate

consider Stephens to be
our number-one creative talent.

Tate, don't you think
you're being a little outré?

I am?


I mean, if we're going to
discuss business,

wouldn't it be more civilized
to wait till we've had a drink?

Well, here are the drinks.

Good, ha, ha, ha.
Now we can discuss business.


Here you are, Larry.
Oh, thank you.

Uh, Darrin, do you know
what Cora May was telling me?


She started her own company
when she was only 25.

Really? Well, that makes it
a very young company.

Oh, ho, ho!
I see your plan, you old fox.

You've assigned
the charmer on your staff

to my account, haven't you?
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Don't you try to con me
with flattery,

because you'll be
wasting your time.

I am interested in one thing
and one thing only,

and that is results.
Right, Walter?

Right, made 25 years of age.
Isn't that remarkable?

You haven't even been listening.

Yes, I have, dear.
What did you say?

I s...

Here we are.

She comes in beauty
Like the night.

Bearing tidbits
From Olympian heights


My goodness.

You better save your poetry
until you've tasted those.

Speaking of poetry,

I had a great idea today
for a slogan for my dress line.

I'll give it to you gentlemen,
for nothing.

Great, Cora May. Let's hear it.

Ready? Heh-heh! Walter.

Whatever you say, dear.

Well, I haven't
said anything yet.

Oh, what's the slogan,
Mrs. Franklin?

Well, it goes like this.

Confucius say,
"Don't be messy-messy,

buy a Cora May dressy-wessy."


Oh, that's... cute.


Yeah. That's great, Cora May.

We'd never have thought of it.
Darrin, make a note of that.

We'd better discuss it
at the meeting tomorrow.

DARRIN: Oh, I don't have
to make a note of that,

because I couldn't
possibly forget it.


But, in truth, I must admit,

it's very forgettable.

What was that you said?

Well, I mean,

"messy-messy," "dressy-wessy."
Heh, heh.

You were kidding, weren't you?

Darrin, you must admit,
it's pretty catchy.

Oh, re... Relax, Larry.

I know the Cora May account
is a pet of yours.

That's the reason
you should be truthful.

That's right, Darrin.

Cora May's account
is very important to me.

Let's not forget it.

Let's also not forget

if anybody laughs at my pet
accounts, it's going to be me.

Oh, boy.


Larry. Darrin.

Hey, now, come on,
stop clowning around.

Mrs. Franklin's
apt to take you seriously.



Stop teasing Mrs. Franklin.

They always do this
with a new account.

It's sort of
a little game they play.

They must lose
quite a few accounts that way.

Uh. Rarely, rarely.

They're very careful to do it
only with a client

they know
has a terrific sense of humor.

Oh. Well, that's one thing
you can say about me

with... With no fear
of contradiction.

Right, Walter?

You're absolutely right, dear.

A sense of humor has...

Has always been an important
ingredient in my success.

Why, I-I could always laugh
at misfortune

in those...
Those grim days

when I was pulling myself
up the ladder, rung by rung.

I worked my way up
in the dress business, until...


Why don't you knock it off,
Cora May?

What did you say, dear?

You didn't work your way
into the dress business.

You were kicked into it,
by your father

who gave you $25,000
to leave home.

how can you talk like that?

Easy, dear,
because it's the truth.

But... But... But...

I have had it up to here,
Cora May,

with that Horatio Alger bit
of yours.


Uh, Mrs. Franklin,
suppose we get back to business?

A... B... Yes, I...

I think business is the only
safe subject we can discuss.



For years I have been clamming
up while she sounded off

about being
the great career woman,

playing "I Love Me"
on her big fat trombone.

And, Cora May, don't you ever
jab me in the ribs again.

Do you have anything else
to say, dear?

Yes, something I've been wanting
to say for a long time.

When you put "career"
in front of "woman,"

a large part
of the woman disappears.

There's more,
but that'll do for starters.

Well. Uh.

I think I'll, uh, check my roast

while, uh, Darrin
changes the subject.



H... Hasn't it been warm?


I know you're behind this.

I also know
what you're trying to prove.

And if it'll make you
feel any better,

you have proven your point.

You're creating
a disaster out there.

"You were right.

Mother knows best.
Message enclosed."


"You ain't seen nothing yet."

Mrs. Franklin,
I have a great deal of respect

for your judgment
regarding your advertising,

and I'm certainly willing
to exchange campaign ideas.


Except when you start
throwing around nonsense

like "dressy-wessy."
Oh, no.

Darrin, have you gone bananas?

Not at all. I think a little
frankness is a healthy thing.

It's also stupid.
Oh, dear.

[MAGIC NOISE] I don't think so.

It's time somebody
leveled with Cora May.

Oh, boy.
And, Cora May,

it's time you listened
for a change.

Oh, surely, you don't mean
what you're saying,

Mr. Franklin.

You never talked to me like that
in your whole life.

Well, you never shut up
long enough for me to.


You know, they say this kind
of a constructive argument

is very healthy for a marriage.

Mrs. Franklin,

it might be a good idea
if you listen to your husband

and then to your advertising

Keep going, my boy,
you're making lots of sense.

Never says a word.

All of a sudden,
can't shut him up.

Walter, I have waited for years

for you to stop being
the suffering, silent martyr.

I must say, you picked
a beautiful time

to turn yourself on.

Well, I am liberated, Cora May.

Mrs. Franklin, I'm not through...

Darrin, couldn't we discuss this
at dinner?

Is dinner ready?

No. But I thought
the dining room might be safer.

I think Samantha's
absolutely right.

We should postpone
this discussion until...


Until right now.

Darrin, there are many ways
of handling clients.

And this isn't any of them.

Cora May, we don't tell you
how to make your dresses.

And we don't want you telling us
how to handle your advertising.


Well, why aren't you laughing,
Cora May?

What happened to that
sense of humor of yours

that got you through
those dark days

when you were
climbing the ladder?

Mrs. Franklin,
if you would just leave

the creative side of advertising
in our capable hands...

Darrin, why don't you let Larry

tell Mrs. Franklin
where to get off?

He's the boss.

would you mind butting out?


Darrin, you stop
picking on your wife.

She's a nice, lovely,
charming lady.


For heaven's sakes, Walter,
turn it off.

Where are your manners?
You're a guest in this house.

Oh, Mrs. Franklin,
don't worry about that. I mean...

I'm not finished yet.

Neither am I.
I have a lot to say.

Cora May, why don't you
just keep quiet for a change?

Just who do you think
you're talking to?

He was talking to me.

No, I was talking to my wife,
and I am not finished yet.

I believe
I was doing the talking.

You were, you were.

Please, couldn't I interest
anyone in some rare roast pork?

I am going to finished
what I have to say...

Cora May...



Darrin? Oh, excuse me.

What would you like
for breakfast?


Well, it's all still in there,

and it's not rare anymore.

Forget it.

I wish I could forget
the whole evening.

Did you get in touch
with your mother?


Finally. And got a confession.

Here's the culprit.
Mother put a truth spell on it.

She wanted to prove
that mortals can't stand

to tell the truth
to one another.

Well, this mortal can stand
telling the truth.


Your mother pulled a low,
sneaky, mean, underhanded trick.

How's that for the truth?


I'll get it.

Oh, Larry.
Good morning, Samantha.

Lovely dinner.

Well, it's all still out there,
if you want some.

Hi, Darrin.

I just dropped by
to let you know

I was practically up all night

trying to calm down
Cora May and her husband.

With a lot of smooth talk,
and a little infighting,

I managed
to salvage the account.

But I do think you owe her
an apology.

Well, Larry, I...

There's no need
for him to apologize.

You'll just have to get along
without one.

Maybe I can get along
without him at the office too.

Well, Larry,
if that's the way you feel,

go ahead and try it.

You've got a deal.


That's the worst deal
I ever made in my life.

I need you at the office,
Darrin, you know that.

I can't get along without you.

SAMANTHA: Oh, isn't it
nice to hear the truth?

What about
Mr. and Mrs. Franklin?

Actually, I wasn't
up with them last night.

Cora May called me this morning.

It seems that they continued
that donnybrook they were having

and cleared up
a lot of old misunderstandings.

They're happy as larks.

Actually, Larry, everything
turned out beautifully.

I guess so.

Heh, heh.
I can't wait to tell Mother.


Yeah, she just
loves happy endings.


Well, I'll see you later
at the office, Darrin.



This little fellow really works,
doesn't he?

Let me give it a test.


Honey, you're beautiful,
sweet, clever, adorable,

and I love you madly.

It works.

Well, it doesn't work on me,

but I love you.

And that is the truth,
the whole truth

and... et cetera.


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