04x06 - Maisel vs. Lennon: The Cut Contest

[bunniefuu]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING,
SQUEALING PLAYFULLY IN DISTANCE]

[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS]

[GROANING]

[DISTANT, MUFFLED CHATTER]

[SIGHS]

[TOYS SQUEAKING]

[ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC
PLAYS IN DISTANCE]

[TOYS CLATTER]

[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

[QUIET CHATTER IN DISTANCE]

[RUNNING FOOTSTEPS]

[ABE] Lenny.

Good morning. Would
you like some coffee?

- I...
- We have bagels, bialys, grapefruit.

- Zelda could make you a blintz.
- Oh, yes. Go with the blintz.

The blintz is a wonderful choice.

I'm sorry, who are you?

- Miss December.
- You look different.

It was the night you were
talking about Miss December.

We were in jail together.

Well, I've been in jail
with a variety of people.

[ROSE] Oh, by the way,
we told the children

you were in their room because you had

a tummy ache from
eating too many cookies.

We'd like you to stick with
that story, if you don't mind.

Personally, I advocated for the truth.

[ROSE] I wasn't in the
mood to describe a mild case

of alcohol poisoning to a
five-year-old, so if he asks...

- Who?
- Ethan.

I don't know who...

If a child asks you why
you're here, your answer is...

I thought you said he was bright.

I was talking about his humor.

As a man, he could be a total idiot.

Excuse me.

Uh, last night, I had
a few more things on me.

- A... a coat, shoes, a wallet.
- [CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE]

- D... Does anyone else hear that?
- [MIDGE] Success.

Hey, look who's finally up.

- Wait. You.
- Oh?

- I know you.
- I know you, too.

And you are a very sound sleeper.

Ethan climbed right over you

to get his fire truck,
and you didn't budge.

Wait. Oh, God.

[LENNY MUTTERING]

- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- That's the Hudson River out the window.

Upper West Side.

You're right... he must have
someone else write his material.

- You want some coffee?
- We offered. He just stared.

I'm sorry I wasn't
there when you woke up,

but I'm toilet-training my daughter.

When she does good, she gets the song.

And today, she did very, very good.

Yesterday was a disaster.

We have to replace the wallpaper.

Well, everybody has their ups...

- Uh, could I...
- Hmm?

- Do you want to take a shower?
- I do not want to take a shower.

[ROSE] I think you should take a shower.

Thank you very much,
lady in the kitchen.

I will shower when I... sh*t.

[MIDGE] Oh. Ow.

How did I get here?

- What do you remember?
- Nothing.

Well, last night, I was
driving home from the club,

and I saw you passed out on the ground.

I tried to ask you
where you were staying,

and you said, "Nice hair."

- I said, "Nice hair"?
- No, but for the sake

of our friendship,
let's stick with "hair."

Anyhow, I said, "Thanks,"
and I brought you here

and stuck you in my son's room.

- Oh, with the tiny bed.
- Well, he's five.

- Was I robbed last night?
- Not that I know of.

Where are my shoes, my
jacket, my wallet, my watch?

Zelda insisted on pressing your jacket

and shining your shoes, and
I took your wallet and hid it

because Ethan's going
through a money-eating phase,

and I have no idea where your watch is.

- Let me go look.
- Wait.

- I need your pants.
- I need them more.

They are wrinkled. They are bad pants.

Well, you just have to
get to know them better.

[MIDGE] Okay! I found your watch!

Oh. Zelda, the jacket looks great.

You want to give her your pants?

Take a wild guess.

- He's keeping the pants, Zelda.
- [ZELDA CLICKING TONGUE]

Shoes and wallet.

Ethan did find it, and he took a bite

out of a ten spot,
so I'll reimburse you.

I could not find your tie,
but it'll turn up eventually.

Keep the tie.

- Lenny.
- I have ties.

Thank you for this, but
the next time you see me

and you think that I might need help,

please just keep walking.

[MIDGE] Hey.

Hey. Drama queen.

Dead end.

Can we please... Lenny.

The elevator...

[BUZZING]

[BELL DINGS]

Why the hell do you live
on such a high floor?

Why are you... Really?

Lenny!

Morning, Mrs. Teitelbaum.

Lenny!

Lenny.

Don't you have cabs
on the Upper West Side?

Honestly, they may be
steering clear of you.

- Here.
- What's that?

- That's your shoe.
- No, I'm wearing my...

Two seconds ago, it was on.

- Why are you so upset?
- I have to get home.

I basically scraped you
off the sidewalk last night,

and you're mad at me?
You should be thankful.

I'm thankful. Go back inside.

Protect the wallpaper at all costs.

You do know you're acting
like a child, right?

Of course I'm acting like a child.

I'm a comedian. Please go back inside.

Lenny Bruce. That's Lenny Bruce.

- Hey, Lenny.
- Yes. Hello.

- Lenny, you're the best.
- Thank you.

I don't understand what's going on here.

- You don't?
- You're the king, Lenny. The f*cking king.

Thank you. As my
subject, you're dismissed.

- Both of you.
- [DRIVER] Lenny.

If you want a cab, you
might want to try...

- Don't tell me how to get a cab.
- [DRIVER] Lenny!

I wasn't telling you how to get a cab.

I was telling you where to get a cab.

- [DRIVER] Lenny!
- I can get a cab.

I've been getting cabs
since before you were born.

Hey, Lenny, I'm talking
to you. Look at me.

Is this really how you act
when someone does you a favor?

I'm over here giving you compliments,

- and you're ignoring me.
- I'm sorry, have you two met?

Hey. f*ck you, Bruce. You hear me?

You're the poor man's Mort Sahl.

The-the light's green, sir.

Go iron your pants, you cocksucker.

Why are you acting like this?

Because this is not my scene.

This place, that apron,

Grandma and Grandpa having breakfast,

kids running around learning to sh*t,

Leni Riefenstahl demanding my pants.

Well, the last one's a
little my scene, but...

Wow. I am absolutely stunned.

- I know you meant well.
- Yeah. I meant well.

I brought you to my home
so you could sleep it off

in a bed and not a holding cell.

Sorry my parents and my
kids are not your scene.

I don't care about
the kids. I have a kid.

- You do?
- Yes.

- Boy or girl?
- Girl.

- You've never mentioned her.
- Really?

In all the times we've
been sitting around knitting

and making apple dolls while
the pies bake in the oven,

I've never discussed my child with you?

You know why? Because
we're not supposed to.

That's not how it works. We're comics.

[À LA DRACULA] Creatures of the night.

We discuss debauchery and p*rn.

We make jokes about dictators
coming over for dinner.

Ten minutes on how
Stalin likes his steak.

We don't wear aprons and
discuss potty training.

If I want to talk about my
daughter, I'll call my mother.

What are you doing?

I have to take a piss.

Well, come back upstairs
and use the bathroom.

If I use your bathroom,
you'll play music.

I don't want a soundtrack while I pee.

Finally.

Look, I'm...

I know I'm... Here.

I'm sorry. What do you
think happened last night?

No, it-it's for the taxi, the
shoe polishing, the blintz.

Christ.

It was a really terrific carpenter.

- [ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- [MAN] Ice cream! Ice cream!

[KIDS CHATTERING EXCITEDLY]

[TAXI DRIVER] Hey.
Aren't you Lenny Bruce?

[LENNY] Just drive.

[OPERATOR] Operator.
What's the number, please?

Yeah, hi. I'm looking for
the number of a nightclub.

What's the name of the nightclub?

I don't know the name, but
I do know it's in Chinatown.

- Does that help?
- No.

Okay, well, could you
look up clubs in Chinatown?

[CHUCKLING] No.

Well, could you list off anything

that sounds like a club in Chinatown?

I could. Could you answer all my
other calls for the next six hours?

You know, I'm a talent manager.
Ever thought of going onstage?

Oh, wait. Joel Maisel.

- Try Joel Maisel's club in Chinatow...
- [CLICK, DIAL TONE]

Hello?

You were supposed to share.

- Dinah.
- [DINAH] Yes?

I need to get Mike Carr.

I left word earlier twice.

- Did you use my name?
- God, no.

Good.

Appreciate you eating all
this on my bed, by the way.

You should have the lady find the club.

- What lady?
- The lady who sits out there.

Have her find the club.

That's why she's there, right?

Sitting there every day, just listening?

Do not eat on my bed, and
mind your own business.

No. That's too much
direction at one time.

- [DINAH] Thank you.
- [MAN] Have a good day.

[DINAH] You just got another one.

Wines of the world.

The "O" in "world" is
a little globe. Cute.

You better hide it before
Alfie gets his passport out.

Miss Lennon sure is grateful
to you for something.

Well, she's grateful the voices
in her head haven't unionized.

Listen, Midge's ex has
a club in Chinatown,

and I'm trying to get the number.

- I'm on it.
- I don't remember the name.

- Yep. I'm on it.
- [GIRL SHOUTS, LAUGHS]

- Who is this again?
- That's my niece.

- My sister had to work today.
- Uh-huh.

I'm not sure if that's the
most professional thing to do.

- [GIRL] Hello, sir!
- Oh, it is.

Every office I've worked in,
all the secretaries did this.

It's not lost on me you don't
work at those offices anymore.

Shh. I'm on the phone.

It said there were cookies in here.

I hate being lied to.

Hey, how about you go find a cute blonde

so you can saw her in half or something?

I have Joel Maisel on the line.

You did not find him that fast.

- Yes, I did.
- Joel Maisel?

- Yes.
- You found Joel Maisel?

- Yes.
- I didn't tell you his name.

- You gonna pick up the phone?
- I am gonna pick up the phone.

Now, that's a f*cking magician.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Joel? Hello.

Susie Myerson at Susie
Myerson and Associates.

- How are you today, buddy?
- [JOEL] Who is this?

It's Susie Myerson of Susie
Myerson and Associates.

I hope I am not interrupting anything.

Who is this?

You are a very funny guy.

Anyhow, Joel, I'm calling
today to talk to you about...

Wait, you do know who this is, right?

I've narrowed it down to either
Bette Davis or Rock Hudson.

I am just trying to
reset our relationship.

We don't have a relationship to reset.

Let's set one.

I am a talent manager.
You own a nightclub.

We may wind up doing business
together down the road.

So just shut your g*dd*mn
trap and act professional.

"Manager." Come on. You have one client,

and she can come down here
anytime. She knows that.

Actually, I have an
exciting new client now.

One that you haven't f*cked.

- Comic?
- Magician.

Like card tricks and sh*t?

No. Much more than card tricks.

He is a master of sleight of hand.

An illusionist. A hypnotist.

Hell, he may actually be magic.

And there's no one like him anywhere.

I would love for you to
book him in your new club,

which I have heard wonderful
things about, by the way.

Stop that. It's unnerving.

I will take any slot that you give him.

He's very cool, super hip.
The kids are gonna love him.

Well, I got to see what he does.

Absolutely.

First show's free. If he
knocks you on your ass,

you book him for a month. Deal?

We'll see.

Mm, savvy businessman.

We are gonna make
beautiful music together.

All right, bye.

I was sitting on the cookies.

[SOPHIE] Oscar Levant,

how many seconds do you want to use

- for your next question?
- Um, uh...

You have in the bank.

I'll use, uh, .

All right, in seconds,

name every state that
begins with an "M" or a "C."

Start the clock.

Uh, "M," uh, Mississippi,
Missouri, Maine, Melinda.

- No, that's not a state. That's an ex-wife.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

You secede from the union?

After she fired on my Fort Sumter.

[LAUGHING]

Mama, Papa, the kids are
asleep, and I'm heading out.

[SOPHIE] ... but Sandy over here

just got att*cked by a microphone.

Sandy, what the heck just happened?

[SANDY] I got hit in
the head with the boom.

[SOPHIE] I know. I heard the boom.

[SANDY] I'm sorry. Who's talking?

[BROADCAST CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[SANDY] Luckily, I'm wearing
two kinds of hairspray.

[BROADCAST CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[SOPHIE] Pete's the culprit.

All right, Oscar, I didn't forget you.

Start the clock.

[OSCAR] Montana, uh, California,

Connecticut, Cucamonga. Is that a state?

A state of confusion is more like it.

- [OSCAR] What else is new?
- [BELL RINGS]

[SOPHIE] Time's up.

- Ooh. What did he miss?
- He missed Michigan.

- He missed Colorado.
- That's right.

- What's going on here?
- It's Seconds Count!

- It's so fun.
- And Sophie is hysterical.

She's at her absolute best.

I was talking about the TV trays.

- They're for Sophie's show.
- If you miss an episode,

you can't converse with
anyone the next day,

because it's all people
want to talk about.

So on Thursday nights, we eat here.

Different. Okay.

Well, the kids are asleep,

the fridge light's
out, and I'm taking off.

So long.

[SOPHIE] Okay, in your
remaining time, name...

You do know she tried to destroy
your daughter's career, right?

- Who? Sophie?
- Yes, Sophie.

- Water under the bridge.
- Whatever you say.

- Carry on.
- [SOPHIE] Sandy, it's not the Big D.

- It's Austin.
- [SANDY] Austin!

It's not water under the bridge.

We're missing the program.

It's nostalgia, right?
You remember her from radio

and a time when it was fun to
play with a hoop and a stick?

No, it's because we
think she's hilarious.

She's our new Chaplin.

No comment. Adieu.

Okay, if you meant Buddy Chaplin,

the guy who measures feet
at the kids' shoe store

and is rumored to have a
dead piece of a Siamese twin

sticking out of his
stomach, then yes, maybe.

But Charlie Chaplin?

Modern Times? The
Gold Rush? I think not.

- I thought you didn't have any comment.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Damn! Missed it. She
just said something funny.

She never says something funny.

It's all ridiculously
contrived "bon motts."

- That's all it is.
- They're not contrived.

And if you had studied
French instead of Russian,

you'd know it was
[FRENCH PRONUNCIATION] bon mots.

Well, that's mo' than I needed to know.

Thank you.

Sophie's contrived, but that's funny?

Okay, I heard that.

Oh, we're missing the commercial.

It's a laxative commercial.

Yeah, but she does them,
and she does them funny.

She's so irreverent. And
she's lost so much weight.

I think I've said my piece.

- Peace would be nice.
- Amen.

[BROADCAST CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

- [APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
- [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

[GLASS SQUEAKING]

[MAN] Hey! What's going on up there?

[HORN HONKING]

[MAN] Come on!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHISTLING]

- [HORN HONKING]
- [MAN] Whoa!

[GLASS SQUEAKING]

The hot water in the shower is back on.

The coffee area was cleaned,
and we got a new coffee maker.

We got cream and sugar even
though sugar means bugs.

That's what sugar bowls are for.

We will get a sugar bowl.

We moved the paint cans and
tarps from the storage room.

The floor-to-ceiling mirror's been hung.

The new seamstress is
here. She did not come with

her own sewing machine,
as you had promised,

but when we moved the
paint cans and tarps,

we found out we actually
had a sewing machine,

so there you go.

The roof will be fixed next week.

We found Duke's trumpet.

We cannot find Duke.

The dr... The dressing
room speaker works now,

and we were unable to remove the urinal

from the ladies' room, so
we turned it into a planter.

Boise, this is good progress.

I just might make a stage
manager out of you yet.

Hey, I'm not a stage manager.
I am a manager manager.

I manage the stage, yes,
but I manage other things.

The front room. I manage that.

The loading dock. I am
definitely the manager of...

Well, I share that
responsibility with Dave,

- but when deliveries come, I am...
- Wrap it up.

- I got to work.
- Yep.

[APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLING SOUND EFFECT]

[GLASS BREAKING SOUND EFFECT]

- [MAN] Hey!
- [HORN HONKS]

Whoops.

[AUDIENCE WHOOPING, WHISTLING]

[WOLF WHISTLE]

Two gin rickeys, three banana daiquiris,

a Singapore sling and a White Russian.

- Extra Russian.
- Gin and sin, rum runner, sidecar,

three grasshoppers,
one with whipped cream.

Kenny, where's my sherry flip?

I got three mai tais here, no flip.

Hold your horses. What
came after grasshoppers?

- Sherry flip.
- Extra cherries.

Sherry flip, sherry flip,
sherry flip, sherry...

- Thank you.
- How's it going, Kenny?

Out of white wine.

Bartender, six palomas to
that table right down there.

And keep 'em coming.

- Paloma, paloma...
- Uh, excuse me.

We're gonna need a grapefruit.

- [JACKHAMMERING SOUND EFFECT]
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING, WHOOPING]

[MAN] Oh, yeah.

[MAN ] Whoa.

[WOLF WHISTLE]

[LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES]

- [MUSIC ENDS]
- [MAN] Hey!

- [GLASS BREAKING SOUND EFFECT]
- [CHEERING]

[MUSIC RESUMES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

- Excuse us.
- [CHEERING]

- Hi.
- Look, there she is.

- Well...
- [GLASS BREAKING SOUND EFFECT]

Hello, hello, hello. Wow.

- Look at all the ladies in the audience tonight.
- [WOMEN CHEERING]

You do realize the Bergdorf sale
is about blocks north, right?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Dresses here are also half off

but probably not in
the way you're thinking.

Hello, ladies. You lost?

She's getting married this weekend,

and we brought her here.

So I could talk her out of it?

[LAUGHTER]

- What's your name?
- Nora.

Congratulations, Nora.

What's your fiancé's name?

Montgomery.

Got a picture?

Not bad. Huh?

But remember, one day,
you go to bed with this,

the next day, you wake up with that.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm just kidding, sir.

[MOUTHING]

[APPLAUSE]

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

[TYPEWRITER BELL DINGS]

And... stop.

[BELL DINGS]

How's it going in here?

- [WHISPERS] I like the look.
- [WHISPERS] I know.

They're my smart-girl
glasses. Totally fake.

- They look so real.
- [SQUEALS]

Ladies, I can hear every word
you are pretending not to say.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I am impressed.

- Dody...
- Imogene.

... has just broken her previous record,

which she set exactly ten minutes ago.

words a minute.

Not my personal best,
but it was James Joyce,

- so I was very nervous.
- I'm sorry, what?

I was transcribing Finnegans Wake.

It feels like you're writing gibberish,

but apparently, he's a genius.

I had a feeling you
two would hit it off.

Hit it off? That's putting it mildly.

- Dody...
- Imogene.

... is a diamond in the coal mine.

I don't think that's the
saying, but I don't care.

My God, to have the freedom
to write but not have to type?

My whole life will be different.

- So I'm hired?
- I will never let you leave.

- I'm a hostage! Yay!
- [ZELDA] Miss Miriam!

Coming, Zelda!

- So, Dody...
- [MIDGE] Imogene.

Ready for some Proust?

The real question is: Is
Mr. Proust ready for me?

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

The fridge is dead.

I come in, I open, no
light. Things are warm.

I try to see if it's plug.

I plug there, I plug
there. It's not plug.

Yeah, the light was out last night.

What do you mean, "the
light was out last night"?

I opened the fridge last
night, and there was no light.

So it d*ed last night and you
just left it there to stink?

- I didn't know what it meant.
- You didn't know what it...

What kind of woman are
you? You were married.

You had children. How did that happen?

Well, it had nothing to do with
the fridge, I can assure you.

[SPEAKING POLISH]

Zelda, I will fix it.

In the meantime, let's
ask some of the neighbors

if they can store some
things for us, huh?

[SIGHS]

[ROSE] Come on in, Norma and Lorraine.

We'll sit down, have some iced tea,

and you can tell me
everything about yourselves

- that might be of interest...
- [TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING LOUDLY]

- Abe.
- Rose.

This girl is a prodigy.

If the government knew about her,

she'd be locked in a lab getting probed.

- Time.
- Ha!

Excuse me, ladies.

Abe, I reserved the
living room yesterday.

- Didn't you consult the chart?
- I did not consult the chart.

Well, it was your
idea to make the chart,

so I assumed you would
consult the chart.

- We're almost done.
- After all, you made the chart.

- I'm leaving. Dody...
- [MIDGE] Imogene!

Gather your things and follow me.

We can go to the bathroom.

That's where I usually work anyway.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- I'm going to get that tea.

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Goodness, what is happening here?

The fridge d*ed, and Zelda
forgot she taught me Polish.

Hello?

- [TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]
- [ROSE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

Oh. Hi.

I'm Miriam Maisel.

You two look like you have
a refrigerator at home.

Well, yes, that sounds wonderful.

I would be honored to attend.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Thank you.

How could you not teach your daughter

about the light in the fridge?

There's a light in the fridge?

Miriam, guess what.

I have been invited to the
Small Business Women's Council

annual luncheon in Brighton Beach.

- Really?
- That's right.

Your mother's now officially
known as a small businesswoman.

No, wait. A small women's business.

No, I'm the owner of a business,

and it's small, and I'm a woman, so...

Well, I'm getting a free lunch.

Congratulations, Mama. Really.

Thank you.

Miriam.

What?

I offered. They took.

[ROSE] You didn't even
ask them to sit down first?

Oh. Yeah. Would you like to have a seat?

Goodbye, Miriam.

I am so sorry. That was my daughter.

She's... hilarious. She
was kicked in the head

by a horse when she
was a child, also, so...

[PATIENCE AND PRUDENCE:
"THE MONEY TREE"]

♪ Pull up an easy chair
and sit yourself down ♪

♪ And lean back ♪

♪ While we tell you about the folks ♪

- ♪ Who live in the town of Greenback ♪
- [MAN] Wow. Gorgeous.

[MAN WHOOPS]

♪ They never have to work
on their hands and knees ♪

[MAN] Ooh-wee, she is a
beaut. Ain't she a beaut?

♪ 'Cause they live in a place
where money grows on trees ♪

[GROANS]

♪ Oh, the money tree, the money tree ♪

♪ It's a beautiful sight to see... ♪

Dinah? Dinah!

[GRUMBLES]

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!

- Somebody loves you.
- This is not love.

They came with a golf
pro, but he had to leave.

- I have his card.
- Get me Sophie Lennon.

- On it.
- [KIDS SHOUTING, LAUGHING]

They're f*cking multiplying.

[DINAH] Thomas, when
you catch her, wash her.

f*ck! f*ck.

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[DINAH] Sorry. I know.
I was gonna move those.

I've got Sophie Lennon on line one.

Dinah, there's only one
line. Stop saying "line one."

But when people hear "line one,"
they think there's a line two.

- It makes you sound important.
- I am important, Dinah.

- I'm important.
- I want people to know that.

- Close the door.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Sophie, it's got to stop now.

It's not Miss Lennon.

Oh, goody. Humbert Humbert.

Put your boss on.

I'm afraid I can't.

She's having her Roman wax.

- Her what?
- [SOPHIE SCREAMING]

[DAWES] It's the removal of hair

from where it shouldn't be.

- [SOPHIE] Dawes, ask Susie how she liked the...
- [RIPPING]

[SCREAMING] Cadillac!

Did you like the Cadillac?

Dawes, tell her I hate the Cadillac,

the luggage stinks, and
that there's no point

in sending gifts, so just stop.

Miss Lennon wants you to have them.

That's the point of gifts.

[SOPHIE] Oh, and ask her
if she liked the Carava...

[SOPHIE SCREAMING]

[DAWES] She stopped a
couple syllables short,

but I believe she was
inquiring about the Caravaggio.

Dawes, I have no idea what
the f*ck a Caravaggio is,

but you tell that crazy
woman we had a deal.

- I help her, and she goes the f*ck away.
- [KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

[DAWES] She's objecting
to your generosity.

[SOPHIE] She got me the game show.

Dawes, tell her that.

- She says...
- All I did was get her on Gordon Ford.

She got the game show herself.

So she can take back her gifts
and give them all to herself.

- [SOPHIE] Dawes, tell her I...
- [RIPPING]

[SOPHIE SCREAMING WILDLY]

Your guess is as good
as mine on that one.

Goodbye.

Dinah, get me a new g*dd*mn orange.

You want me to fall over
dead from a heart att*ck.

Is that what you want, Miriam?

Because you're doing a great job,

if that's what you want.

I don't want you to have
a heart att*ck, Moishe.

You have been so good to me.

I really have, haven't
I? I'm a good man.

But I need to be honest here.

I just need a smidgen of a skosh
more time for my next payment.

What's that? A smidgen of a skosh?

Is that like a bissel?

Say, a couple weeks?

I just bagged a giant Tupperware order

from our professor neighbor in nine-B.

She brought the whole Barnard
geology department in on it.

They're gonna use them to store fossils.

Now, I'm not talking a
Brownie Wise level order here.

What's that? A Brownie Wise?

She was the first one to toss

a bowl filled with water
to one of the guests

to demonstrate its airtight sealability.

Brownie is a Tupperware legend.

Call an ambulance, Shirl!

But I don't get my cut from the order

until the check clears,
and the check was drawn

from a bank in Toronto,
so guess she's Canadian.

Now that I think about it, she
does say "a-roond" and "a-boot."

"Skosh" and "smidgen"
are not words suitable

to a legally binding contract, Miriam.

Are you aware of that?

Moishe, I'll let you go.
Thanks for understanding.

Your grandchildren love you.

That's not gonna work this time!

[SIGHS] I need a drink.

How'd you get jelly on your shirt?

Oh, Dinah had a niece with jelly on it.

[MARIO] It's not fitting
the business model.

[BOISE] We have a business model?

Girls, booze, men paying for
it. That's the business model.

But she's funny, right?
You said she was funny.

Yes, she's funny, but she's
turning the place into...

I don't know what.

- Are you talking about me?
- [SIGHS]

I thought you'd left.
And hey, you didn't knock.

- [KNOCKS]
- Are you talking about me?

- What is this, Boise?
- Terrence, Mrs. Maisel

and her pushy little
midgety manager, Susie.

Terrence is our partner.

Very important partner.

And Mario is what he looks like.

Mrs. Maisel, you've
scared up quite the ruckus.

How? The house is packed every night.

Yeah, with the wrong kind of people.

What's the wrong kind of people?

The kind that make
pork chops for dinner.

- Short-order cooks?
- Women.

So what if the audience is women?

So what? This is a jiggle joint.

- Don't say it like that.
- This is an entertainment venue

- catering to a select male clientele.
- Who like titties.

- So?
- [BOISE] So, men come here to get away from women.

Except the women onstage.

The whole place smells different, too.

- What are you smelling?
- It's what I'm not smelling.

Beer, piss, ammonia.

I changed the smell?
That's a neat trick.

And is that so bad? That the
place doesn't smell like piss?

Oh, good. Bunny has something to add.

- I don't like the smell of piss.
- Me, neither.

And for me, it depends
on the circumstances.

I'm sorry, you guys should be sore.

Maisel's hogging all the spotlight.

All I know is that since she got
here, the coffee's much better.

And there's less weird guys
hanging around backstage.

She got us a seamstress, too.

Now our clothes don't fall off us.

They're supposed to fall off you.

- Terrence, the business model.
- Not that you're asking,

but the women tip better, you know.

I wasn't asking, but thank you.

Women are more generous and giving.

That's a fact of the species.

We give life to f*cking babies.

You're off the clock, Bunny.

No, you're off the clock, Boise!

It wasn't an insult, Bunny.

I'm saying you're off
the clock. Go home.

They're not discreet, either,
and the cops are noticing.

When a show's over, men leave.

These women, they hang around
out front laughing, chatting.

So what? Makes the place seem fun.

This business is illegal.
Do you not understand that?

Booze sales are up, though.
Am I reading this right?

Yeah, Terrence, but
it's crazy fruity stuff:

banana daiquiris, mai
tais, pink squirrels.

- Those are drinks?
- And they all want

those tiny little
umbrellas stuck in them.

Over my dead body am I
buying tiny little umbrellas

and a feminine product dispenser.

- They got those?
- Sure, they do.

Geez, so classy. It'll
be like the Frick museum.

Well, receipts are up.

That's what I'm seeing...
across the board.

So I say, if we're raking in
simoleons, we stick to the path.

- What path?
- Order the tiny umbrellas.

And the feminine dispenser.

I want our customers
dispensed while they're here.

And keep doing your act.

Just like you're doing
it. 'Cause we'll have both:

gentlemen's entertainment
and a funny girl comic.

- Let's call it a night.
- [SUSIE] Hold on a second.

Sounds to me like it's
time to give my girl

- a cut of the bar tab.
- N... no way.

Then I'll book her somewhere
else, take the audience with us.

We have a contract.
Remember the contract?

With an unlicensed, illegal strip club.

Whoa, everybody calm down. Jesus.

He's tough. He should work the door.

Uh, we'll discuss a
cut of the bar tomorrow.

- Let's do it now.
- I'm tired.

I want to go home and watch Gordon Ford.

Eddie Fisher's going to explain himself.

Oh, sh*t. I want to
watch Gordon Ford, too.

So, tomorrow. Good night, all.

Will you go home?

How about a couple of
banana daiquiris, Kenny?

Ladies.

Ooh!

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Got it, Zelda.
- [BOWL THUDS]

I'm sorry about the fridge.

Please don't be mad at me forever.

I'll try. I will try.

- Hello?
- [ICE CLATTERS]

[DINAH] Hi. Miriam Maisel?

That's me.

[LAUGHS] You sound funny.

- Pardon me?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Dinah, Susie's secretary.

I was just saying that
I think you're gonna be

a huge star 'cause you sound funny.

Well, thank you, Dinah.

- Hold for Susie?
- You got it.

Susie, Miriam Maisel on line one.

Nothing's flashing.

I think the hold button's broken.

Well, put her through, but call someone

and have 'em fix the hold button.

We've only got one line.

I can't call someone
while you're on the line.

[SUSIE] Just put her through!

- Hello?
- Hey. Listen.

I wanted you to hear it from me,

not one of the dopes at the deli.

Hear what?

L. Roy Dunham struck again.

He caught your show at
the Wolford Thursday night,

and he wrote about it.

It's pretty brutal. Don't read it.

But that was a great show.

I know. He'll move on.

Something else will send him
slithering in another direction.

When? When will he
stop? It's been months.

I don't know. Forget him.

The audience loves you.
That's all that matters.

Yeah, you're right.

The show was good.
The audience was good.

Everything's good.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [PHONES RINGING]

Hi. I'm looking for L. Roy Dunham.

- And you are?
- Miriam Weissman.

Miriam Weissman.

- So, two S's?
- Yes.

- Great. Wait here.
- Thank you.

Mrs. Maisel.

L. Roy Dunham.

Nice to finally meet you.

You smell good in
person. Is that Arpège?

I don't understand. You're...

- L. Roy Dunham.
- You?

- Me.
- You're the one

who's been writing all
those terrible articles?

Actually, I think they're
pretty good, but yes.

- But... you're a woman.
- What?

And you've always been a woman.

I have, yes.

Be a better story if I hadn't,
though, right? [CLICKS TONGUE]

So, Mrs. Maisel, what can I do for you?

You can stop writing about me.

Mm, I don't think so. What else?

Well, you can tell me why you
write all that sh*t about me.

Oh, there's that classy
verbiage I love so much.

Oh, so I offend you? Is that it?
Don't think I'm ladylike enough?

Would you believe I just
don't find you funny?

I would not, 'cause I'm hilarious.

You just make great copy, you know?

Don't see a lot of female comics
as it is, but one like you,

looks like you, talks like
you, it kind of writes itself.

- These are hit pieces.
- No!

You called me a slut.

Just implied. I cleared it with legal.

Wow. You seem really proud of yourself.

Well, you caught me on a good day.

I just got the window desk.

Took it from Eddie over there.

Hey, Eddie!

Oh, he's a little sore.

He had this desk for five
years, and he's really good.

You should read his
pieces on government waste

and corruption and
cronyis... [IMITATES SNORING]

Okay. Time to go.

I'm sorry you're upset,

but look at it this way, I'm
keeping your name in the press.

I'm a gin girl, in case you
want to send a thank-you gift.

Okay, go ahead.

Take your best sh*t.

If you think you're gonna destroy me

or run me out of the business...

Oh, God, no. That would be terrible.

I mean, you're a gold mine.

The Sophie Lennon rift was good,

but following it up with
the Shy Baldwin fiasco?

Thank you, seriously.

Do you have any idea how hard
it is to do what I'm doing?

To-to go into these clubs
run by men, dominated by men,

and go up there and try
to make men listen to me?

Of course. That's why I write about you.

Because when I hand my
editor a piece about you...

the rougher the better... I get print.

I get placement. I get this desk.

I'm no longer a skirt.

I mean, hey, it's tough
being a woman in journalism.

Keep up the good work.

[ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES]

[LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]

[SOPHIE] So they banned
him from the Paramount lot

- for the rest of the summer.
- [LAUGHTER]

He came in disguise once,

and they booted him out onto Melrose.

[LAUGHTER]

Miss Miriam, your great
friend Sophie Lennon's here.

She's not my great friend.

She just told us a disgusting story

about Mickey Rooney and a frozen banana.

Too much funny.

- Isn't that sweet?
- It's so amazing

to have a funny person
like that here in the house.

Yes. Zelda, why don't
you give us the room?

Come on, everybody.

Thank you, Miss Sophie.

No, thank you, Miss Zelda.

- Goodbye, all.
- She's so funny.

- Bye-bye.
- [LAUGHING]

Oh.

Boy, the rooms you play are
getting smaller by the day.

Goodbye.

You're not just a little bit
curious why I'm here, hmm?

You look thirsty. Can
I get you something?

This is my apartment. And
no, I don't want anything.

Then you can wait outside, Dawes.

- Gladly, ma'am.
- [GASPS]

- I hate that.
- [SOPHIE] Let's see.

The last time I saw you,
you were resplendent in red.

And you were gagging from
your epic Broadway choke-fest.

Fine, let's get down to it.

I need your help.

- For what?
- You know what.

I want Susie back as my manager.

- Sophie...
- That woman is the future,

and she makes me feel confident,
and I need her in my corner.

Sophie, I couldn't get
Susie to do that if I tried.

And I am not going to try.

Why?

Why?

Because I hate you. Hate!

With the burning hate
of a thousand suns.

It's a lot of hate, Sophie.

It starts here, boils here, brews here.

It is a seething, writhing,

lava-spewing volcano of hate.

I really hate you.

You're in financial straits.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.

This... is a charade, hmm?

You are in debt up to
your alabaster tits.

- Missed your calling as a poet.
- Hmm.

- You want me to list off your creditors?
- Sophie...

Your grocer. Your baker.

Your dry cleaner, he's cut you off

and won't even return
your last batch of clothes.

You owe $ to the electric company,

to gas and water,

on your Bloomingdale's charge.

Your fridge is out, and boy,
is Zelda pissed about that.

But your biggest debt
is to one Moishe Maisel.

That's your father-in-law, isn't it?

Who told you this? Susie?

Oh, God, no.

My private investigator.

He can find anything on anyone.

And failing that, he can
plant anything on anyone.

But in your case, there's
no planting necessary.

You are a full-blown garden.

Why are you doing this?

Because I have an offer.
Come work on my show.

I'm sorry?

Do the warm-up. You
know what that is, right?

You are deranged.

You come out before the broadcast,

you greet the audience,
you give them the rules,

tell a couple of jokes.

Sometimes you throw candy at them.

- No way.
- It's easy.

They're there to laugh
and get out of the heat,

and I keep that studio cold.

The hours are minimal, and
it's a quick subway ride away.

And the money... you will
be paid a lot of money.

Too much money. I'll see to that.

And how could this possibly
help you fix things with Susie?

My only chance at getting
her back is through you.

If we get along, Susie will calm down,

and then she'll come be my manager.

I would never work for you.

You won't be. You'll be working for NBC.

And the best part? You
won't have to see me.

You'll perform, you'll
leave, and then I come on.

And that's the way it'll be.

And in a year, maybe
less, you'll be debt-free.

I'll even throw in a fridge.

And I'll muzzle that L.
Roy Dunham for you, too.

That bitch needs a comeuppance.

Women should help each
other out, don't you think?

♪ ♪

[SONG PLAYING IN CHINESE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SONG CONTINUES IN CHINESE]

- Where is he?
- I don't know.

We had dinner down the block.

I came ahead to make
sure everything was ready.

- He may have hit a bar.
- A bar?

Is this guy a drunk?

Let me use your phone.

I shouldn't have let
him out of my sight.

Did I let you talk me into
booking a drunk magician?

I don't even know who the f*ck to call.

'Cause I'm all for a
magician disappearing

but not before he goes onstage.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why are you still here?

You're supposed to be on a train.

I know. Can we talk?

What's wrong?

- Office.
- Sure.

- Be right back.
- [PHONE LINE BEEPING]

Oh, sure, and it's my pleasure
to hang up the phone for you.

[BEEPING STOPS]

I never should've booked this guy.

Sight unseen, I did it.

I'm an idiot.

Well, I'm pregnant.

Did you ask me what I
wanted to talk about?

No.

Oh, okay. I wanted to talk

about the fact that I'm pregnant.

- When you're ready.
- You're pregnant?

- Yes.
- You're sure?

- Yes.
- You're sure sure?

Joel, there's a custom in my culture.

It's an ironclad, foolproof way
to tell if a woman's pregnant.

- What is it?
- It's taking a damn test at a doctor's office.

- I'm sure.
- sh*t.

- sh*t.
- Uh-huh. My first words, too.

So we're on the same
page there. That's good.

This is my fault.

- I know better.
- So do I.

- I mean, I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.

- I'm on a path, you know?
- Yes, I know.

- I'm gonna be a doctor.
- I know.

I'm gonna be a doctor.

I know. I heard you.

I'm gonna be a doctor!

I know you're gonna be a doctor.

Why do you keep saying
you're gonna be a doctor?

I'm not saying it to
you. I'm saying it to me.

You have to say it over
and over and over at first

so you know the other person heard you,

and then again and
again to remind yourself

that you're actually gonna be a doctor,

and then over and over so you remember

you're gonna be a doctor
and you don't forget

and you don't lose focus
and you don't get pregnant!

- Mei...
- I go to bed saying I'm gonna be a doctor.

I wake up saying I'm gonna be a doctor.

I know. I've woken up next to you.

You're gonna be a
doctor. It's a done deal.

You got a residency interview tomorrow.

- It's gonna happen.
- Oh, my God.

I've got a residency interview tomorrow.

- Go. Get on a train.
- But I'm pregnant.

- I think it's safe.
- There's jostling.

Mei, we'll figure it
out. We've got time.

I've f*cked up a lot
of things in my life.

I'm not gonna f*ck this up,
too. Let me get you a taxi.

I've got one outside.

Then go.

And call me from the station.

And as soon as you get to Chicago.

And when you get to
your hotel. And when...

I'll call a lot. I promise.

You're gonna be a doctor.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[LIVELY CHATTER]

[FOOD SIZZLING]

[BELLS JINGLE]

Alfie.

You're very mad at me.

- I've been looking all over for you.
- [SNIFFS, COUGHS]

That is not a spice.

I may have just snorted gunpowder.

g*dd*mn, Alfie, there's a room
full of people waiting for you.

- I am aware.
- But you don't give a sh*t?

I didn't say that.

- You been drinking?
- I thought about it.

So you're just doing a little shopping.

Getting a jump on Christmas?

You know, it was just about
years ago to the day

that I won the Major Bowes Amateur Hour.

- I was .
- Impressive.

Orson Welles took me to lunch.

He ordered for both of us.

Then he asked a very pertinent question:

"What does it mean for a
magician to perform on radio?"

- That's a pretty good question.
- And then he ate both lunches.

Sounds like Orson.

When he finished, he went to the john

and I drank his martini, and I liked it.

It was like punch but
with that terrific snap.

Can't guess what this is. I'm buying it.

Alfie, do not do what you're doing.

- What am I doing?
- You're talking yourself out of it.

Am I?

You are the best I've seen.

You are not a hack. You're special.

I really believe that.

You can do this. Let me help you.

I don't know. I just feel...

What? What do you feel?

Everything.

I got a good eye, Alfie.

You are client number two
of what's gonna be a roster

of groundbreaking f*cking clients,

so I am not giving up on you.

[SIGHS] Lost causes...
is that your specialty?

I don't know. Ask Sigmund f*cking Freud.

I can, you know. I talk to the dead.

Fine. Tell Siggie to watch
you, because g*dd*mn it,

you are getting back up there,
because if you are gonna fail,

you're gonna fail with an audience

and you are gonna fail spectacularly.

- Is this a pep talk?
- Hell yes.

It's using the word "fail" a lot.

But you get the gist.

Now, you are not going on tonight.

Hmm? I'm gonna buy that
thing for you that you want,

and you're gonna go
home and play with it,

and once it breaks, 'cause
all this sh*t in here

lasts like a minute, you
are gonna start practicing

for the new gig I am
booking for you tomorrow.

That man at the club will be very upset.

He's not a man. He's Joel.

I'll deal with him.

Just don't drink. Okay?

Because you are the lousiest, sloppiest

- f*cking drunk I've ever met.
- [CHUCKLES]

Now, where's that thing you want?

It's in your pocket.

Motherfuck, you are good.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[BIRD CAWING]

- [TRAIN HORN BLARING]
- [PIGEONS COOING]

I'm trying to get the
f*ck away from her.

- I know.
- This is not getting the f*ck away from her.

It's money. It's anonymous money.

She's an evil genius.

Patricia Highsmith modeled every
psycho in every book after her.

I need the cash. I need a fridge.

She sent me luggage and a car.

It's local. No travel.

No? Too bad, 'cause I have
luggage and a car you could use.

- [SUSIE SIGHS]
- Susie?

These are housewives.

- You can't say "tits."
- I won't say "tits."

You think you can do this
without saying "tits"?

I think I can.

f*ck!

[LIGHTER CLATTERS ON DESK]

She had sex with Cubby O'Brien.

So? Wait, what?

The Mouseketeer? I don't believe that.

You really want to work for a woman

who defiled America's sweetheart?

I don't think Cubby O'Brien
is America's sweetheart.

America loves g*dd*mn Cubby
O'Brien, Miriam! Wake up!

f*ck!

[SEAGULLS SCREECHING IN DISTANCE]

Mrs. Weissman, follow me.

- Rose Weissman.
- Hmm.

We finally meet
face-to-face.

You find the place okay?

I did. It's lovely.

I've never been to
Brighton Beach before.

- It feels like such a treat.
- Please sit.

I'm Benedetta.

Benedetta... ?

- No last names.
- Oh, yes.

You know my last name, though.

- I'm Gitta.
- Molly.

- Miss Em.
- Well, nice to meet you all.

Is this the whole group?

You drink sherry, don't you, Rose?

I do. I mean, not during the day.

Oh. Thank you.

I just have to say I
think it's a wonderful idea

to have a Small
Business Women's Council.

Women coming together to
share a common purpose.

It's like the Girl Scouts

without the annoying camping element.

Ooh, the herring is so nice today.

So tell me, Benedetta, what
exactly is your business?

Me? Oh, I help people.

So noble.

I help them find each other.

I help them fall in love.

I help them get married.

You sound like a matchmaker.

Miss Em, what is your business?

Well, I am what I like to
call a matrimonial matron.

Otherwise known as a matchmaker.

[BENEDETTA] Gitta, what about you?

Matchmaker. Pass the mustard.

- Molly?
- I am a nurse part-time,

and I teach clogging on the weekends.

I'm kidding.

I'm a matchmaker.

What about you, Rose Weissman?

Well, I'm also a matchmaker.

And how long have you been
a matchmaker, Rose Weissman?

You know, "Rose" is fine.

Rose Weissman has not
answered my question.

And she also hasn't passed the mustard.

Well, I'm relatively new
to the game. A few months.

You seem to be doing
very well for yourself

in such a short time.

- Beginner's luck.
- Uh-huh.

Have you ever seen a
dog try to eat the kibble

out of another dog's
dish, Rose Weissman?

- Thankfully, no.
- It's ugly.

- Very ugly.
- A dog has one dish.

He shouldn't have to share
his kibble with anyone.

Ladies, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

So you're not working as a matchmaker?

Well, yes, I am.

But I assure you I'm not trying to eat

the kibble out of anyone's dish.

You bagged the Melamid girls.

- Melamid's my territory.
- I don't understand.

Manhattan is divided
up into territories.

It's the only way to keep
the peace after the wars.

The wars?

You don't want to know about the wars.

Lost a lot of good ladies in the wars.

However, once everyone got
their piece, the wars stopped.

Now we each have our territory.

Little Italy, Lower East Side.

Upper Manhattan, Harlem,
Washington Heights.

West End, Midtown, Hell's Kitchen.

Jews are everywhere,
but I stick to the Jews,

and Melamid's a Jew.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't
know about the territories.

- You got our letter, didn't you?
- What letter?

The letter that you ignored.

The one that said "stop."

Oh, that letter.

Yes, I did get it.

I just didn't understand it.

You didn't understand "stop"?

- It's one word.
- What are you, an idiot?

No. I understand it now.

Good.

But, ladies, really,

New York is such a big city.

Surely, there's enough
business to go around.

I don't think you've
been listening to us.

You are not welcome.

You are intruding.

You are competition that
we do not need or want.

Now, we are ladies, and as ladies,

we wanted to give you a chance.

If you had pulled this
stunt out in Staten Island,

all that would've been
left of you is that hat.

And I don't want to tell you

what they would've done to the hat.

We can make this very, very
ugly for you if we choose to.

What are you saying?

For starters, we know
about your daughter

and that nudie show.

Mr. Melamid would not approve.

None of your other
clients would, either.

What my daughter does has
nothing to do with my business.

Business?

What do you know about business?

Matchmaking isn't a business.

It's a tradition going
back decades, centuries.

My family has been pairing up Harlem

since Harlem had two A's in it.

You got to stop.

- Stop.
- Stop.

- Stop and pass the salt.
- Are we clear?

Good.

Now...

shall we eat?

Mm.

The cutlets here are so thin.

And crispy.

That is a lovely hat, by the way.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[MARVIN] It's a good audience today.

Mostly tourists, a few locals,
couple of nuns. The usual.

[MIDGE] I'll try not to insult the pope.

[MARVIN] Crowd work's always good.

They love it, so feel free to interact.

And at some point, we'll be throwing

game-branded pot
holders out to everybody.

- They love pot holders.
- As do I.

Just keep in mind that the one thing

everyone out there has in common

is the thing we all have
IN COMMON: we love Sophie.

[COUGHS] Sorry.

- Yes. We love Sophie.
- [MAN] Ten seconds to warm-up!

Okay, looks like we're ready.
Go out there and have fun.

I'm gonna wander around a little.

Break a leg. Better yet, break Sophie's.

Go on. I'll see you later.

[SIGHS]

Good afternoon, everyone.

You ready to see Seconds
Count! with Sophie Lennon?

[CHEERING]

That's too bad, because
this is a cooking show.

- Who likes salmon casserole?
- [LAUGHTER]

No, no, you're in the right place.

So, a couple of things
to keep in mind today.

No smoking, no snacking, and
when that red light goes on,

it means the Russians are invading.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Or we're rolling. One of the two.

Both are pretty exciting.

And when Sophie comes
out, I'm gonna need you

to yell like your hair's on fire.

And if at any point your
hair really is on fire,

the exits are there and there.

[LAUGHTER]

Boy, good-looking crowd today.

You two look like you're in love.

- Am I wrong?
- We're engaged.

[AUDIENCE] Aw.

Exciting.

And do you want kids right away?

- Uh, uh, I think so.
- Yes.

Great. Well, I've got two for you.

Their names are Ethan and Esther.

I'll have them bathed
and delivered to you.

Just feed and water them regularly.

- Nice doing business with you.
- [LAUGHTER]

Hi there. Susie Myerson, talent manager.

Just dropping by to
say hello to Mike Carr.

Following up on a lunch
from a couple weeks ago.

- You on the list?
- Sure. Who do I see about the list?

Me. Your name's Susie Myerson?

Actually, it's, uh... Carol Jacobson.

- Yep. There I am.
- So you're Gordon's stepmother?

Yep. Love him like my own.

Keep walking.

It's always "keep
walking" with these people.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

So I'm getting the sense that

a lot of you are from out of town.

Let's see a show of hands. Come on.

And how many of you are toting
New York City guidebooks?

Some of you have 'em.

Fess up. Uh-huh.

Let me see that.

You know, this is the only place
in the world where you can see

a Broadway musical, a
game show and a mugging

- all in one day.
- [LAUGHTER]

Let's see. Says here,

"For your own safety, try
not to look like a tourist."

Which is tough when you're
carrying a guidebook.

I guess they just want you to
look like a very stupid local.

- [LAUGHTER]
- What's with the laughs?

It's your girl. She's good.

Very good. Crowd loves her.

Oh, good.

It's going to work.

[LAUGHTER]

[MIDGE] ... walk
around with a hobo stick

and a half-drunk
bottle of Canadian Club,

and no one will come
within a mile of you.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [WOMAN] She's so funny!

[WOMAN ] She's a riot.

[Midge] "Coney Island: a great
spot to visit for a day trip."

"New Yorkers walk quickly, so
consider picking up the pace

so you don't annoy the locals."

The other good way not
to annoy the locals?

- Leave town.
- [LAUGHTER, CHEERING]

Whoa. Was it that funny?

[SOPHIE] No, but I am.

[CHEERING]

Sophie, hello.

- Is the show starting?
- Oh, in a few minutes.

I just thought I'd come out here

and say hi to these beautiful people.

[AUDIENCE] Aw.

Oh, sounds like you're
done with the appetizer

and want to get to the entrée, huh?

Good deal, Sophie, but you know,

rushing a meal could give you gas.

[LAUGHTER]

Not unless the appetizer's
rich, so we're fine.

Let's take a poll, huh?
You want me to leave?

[ALL] No!

The people have spoken.

- [APPLAUSE]
- Ah.

Now, let me be your guide to New York.

Don't bother with lunch
at Tavern on the Green.

You want to get
day-drunk in Central Park,

grab a bottle and meet me in the Ramble.

[LAUGHTER]

My advice? Skip the
horse-and-carriage ride.

If you're looking to get
bounced around while breathing

the smell of manure,
hail one of our cabs.

[LAUGHTER]

And you can skip the
carousel in Central Park.

If you want to go around in circles

with a bunch of idiot children,
come to my writers' room, huh?

And there's no need to schlep
to the Museum of Natural History.

If you want to gawk at a dinosaur,

you're already in the right place.

- [LAUGHTER, GASPING]
- [SOPHIE] Oh, so funny.

So, so funny.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mike.

Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.

Mike. Mike.

- What?
- Susie Myerson.

From the Stage Deli.

- Sophie Lennon?
- Right. How you doing?

The Sophie Lennon thing
went good, you got to admit.

- Gordon was happy.
- So I'm one for one.

Listen, I got a client, a k*ller comic.

She is wowing 'em out there, man.

And Gordon's show is the perfect place

to break her on national TV.

Thought I'd offer her to
you before I go to Jack Paar.

- Great. What's her gimmick?
- What?

Breakdown? Felony
conviction? Sex triangle?

- She's a comic.
- I don't get it.

- She's just a really good comic.
- Okay.

Guess I can send one of
my guys. Where's she gig?

Oh, she's actually doing
warm-up for Sophie as we speak.

Never mind.

Uh, but her regular
gig's at a place Midtown.

She is selling out the
room. It's big stuff.

- Where, the Latin Quarter? Roxie's?
- No.

- So it's a joint downtown?
- No.

- If you want me to see her, where the f*ck can I see her?
- Where?

Where?

I got no f*cking place
for you to see her, Mike.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[MIDGE AND SOPHIE LAUGHING]

Wow, look at that hairstyle.

Wilt Chamberlain couldn't
see over that thing.

[LAUGHTER]

Your hair is so high, you
don't need a hair stylist,

you need an air traffic controller, huh?

Her hair is so high,

her split ends have altitude sickness.

Oh. Her hair is higher

than Midge's unpaid dry cleaning bills.

Her hair is higher than
Sophie's blood pressure.

Her hair is higher than the pedestal

Midge puts herself on.

Ha! Her hair is higher
than Sophie Lennon

on a Tuesday night.

Hell, Tuesday morning.
Hell, every morning.

Well, how's it going,
sir? What's your name?

- Ma'am, what's your name?

- Morty.
- Stella.

- Morty, where are you from?
- And where are you from?

- Milwaukee.
- Westport, Connecticut.

- Morty from Milwaukee.
- Well, it's great to have you here.

- That's got a nice ring. "Hey. I'm Morty from Milwaukee.
- If I need anything else from you today,

- I'll just call out, "Stella!"
- You know my wife, Patty from Poughkeepsie."

Will you turn my mic up, fellas?

Mine, too, fellas. Trying
to reach the back row here.

Stella, would you like my autograph?

Be happy to give you one.

Or an incurable venereal disease

not seen since the days of Columbus?

She'd be happy to give you that, too.

Watch your tongue here, dear.

We're not in that sleazy
grind joint you work in.

Correct. We're on the
set of a game show.

Such a nice place for
an over-the-hill comedian

to live out her twilight years.

- And what a game show.
- [AUDIENCE GASPING]

Another poll. [LAUGHS]

Who loves Seconds Count!?

[CHEERING]

Seconds count, like when
you're defusing a b*mb.

Which makes sense, since half
of Sophie's jokes are bombs.

Or like when you're pulling
the cord on a parachute.

Did you have to do that when Shy Baldwin

- kicked your ass off his plane?
- [AUDIENCE GASPING]

I get the laxative
commercials now, Sophie.

Perfect for someone so full of sh*t.

All righty, folks!

Who wants a free pot holder?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[w*r: "WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS?"]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ I've seen you around
for a long, long time ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I remembered you
when you drank my wine ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ I've seen you walking
down in Chinatown ♪

♪ I called you, but you
could not look around ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ I paid my money to the welfare line ♪

♪ I see you standing in it every time ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ The color of your
skin don't matter to me ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ As long as we can live in harmony ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ I'd kind of like to be the president ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ So I can show you how
your money's spent, whoo! ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Sometimes I don't speak right ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ But yet I know what
I'm talking about ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪

♪ Why can't we be friends? ♪