♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm living is the life for me
♪ Land spreading
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan just
gimme that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Goodbye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!
(horn honks)
- What is this?
- The new truck you
ordered from Mr. Haney.
- This isn't the truck I bought!
- It's the one he gave me.
- That miserable Haney.
I shoulda known better than to
buy anything
from... (horn honks)
- Good morning.
- Mr. Haney.
- I can see by the pleased
expression on your face
how happy you are
with your new truck.
- Mr. Haney this is not the
truck that I bought from you.
- It isn't?
- No.
The truck you showed me
and the truck I bought
was almost brand new.
- Oh well I couldn't
give ya that truck.
See that was a floor sample.
- A floor?
- Now shall we
get down to business?
You gave me $200 deposit.
So you still owe me
a balance of $250.
- I'm not giving you any $250.
- Well then I'm afraid I'll
be forced to take legal steps.
- Mr. Haney, if there are
any legal steps to be taken,
I'm the one that's
gonna take 'em,
because this time you
made a big mistake.
- Impossible.
- You gave me a bill of sale
with the other truck's
motor number on it.
So you're guilty of fraud
and perhaps larceny.
You can go to jail
for what you've done.
- To jail?
Well rather than have
a dissatisfied customer,
I'll return your $100 deposit.
- $200.
- Are you sure?
- I have your receipt.
- Well in that case, well
I'll give ya the money.
Here's your.
Doggone I must have a hole
in the pocket of my other suit.
- Mr. Haney.
I want the money.
- I'll have it here by
the first of the month.
- Now.
- Well it'll take a
little longer than that.
- Alright, I'll give ya
'til six o'clock tonight.
- Aw but...
- It's either
that or go to jail.
- Where am I gonna
get that kinda money?
- That's your problem.
Come on Eb, let's
get out in the corn.
- $200!
Well I can get the $10 back
that I let my
brother-in-law have
for letting me use his
truck as a floor sample.
But the other $190
might not be that easy.
- Why I ever buy anything
from Haney is beyond.
What the?
What happened to my corn?
- I don't know.
I never saw it look so good.
- Musta been Colby's cow.
- You mean Irene?
- This is the 2nd time this
week she's trampled my crops.
- At least somebody's getting
some enjoyment out of 'em.
- I told Colby
to fix that fence.
- It wouldn't do any good.
She's in love with your bull.
Barbed wire
wouldn't keep her out.
- You know I don't have a bull.
- Then she must
be in love with you.
- She's not in love
with. (cow moos)
- Uh oh.
Here's your sweetheart.
- Out!
- You two wanna be alone.
- Eb, will ya stop it.
Out, get out.
Out, go on.
- Irene, he's trying to tell
ya that the romance is over.
(playful music)
- [Colby] So there
you are, Irene.
- Look, Mr. Colby, look
what your cow did to my corn.
- Not Irene.
Why I've taught Irene to
tiptoe through a corn field.
- Look, can't you keep your
cow on your side of the fence?
- Not unless you fix it.
- Why should I fix it?
- 'Cause it's your fence.
- The fence is on
the property line,
it belongs to both of us.
- Looks like the break
was on your side.
- The break is on both sides!
- Well if you fix your side,
I won't have to
worry about mine.
- Alright, I'll fix it, but if that
cow breaks through again
and does any damage
to my crops I'll, I'll.
Well I wont' be
responsible for my actions.
- You'd better listen
to him Mr. Colby.
There's no telling what he'll
do when he gets his riles up.
- Come on Irene.
- Alright Eb, now
let's get some tools
and fix the fence.
- Oh hello there.
- And good morning.
My card.
- Thank you.
- Lady.
- Oh, you want your card back.
- Madam please.
My name is Wheeler.
I'm with the
advertising department
of the Salt Lake City
salt lick company.
- Oh, I was once
in Salt Lick City.
- No ma'am, that's
Salt Lake City.
We manufacture a salt lick.
- Well we're not very
big salt lickers here.
- Well maybe you
could tell me something.
Do you own that property down
there along the county road?
- No.
- Do you know who does?
- My husband.
He keeps everything in
his name, except my name.
- All I really wanna know is,
would your husband allow
us to put up a billboard
advertising our salt lick on
that property along the road?
- I don't think so.
- We'd be willing to pay him.
- Well, that wouldn't
make any difference.
He's a real hot head
about billboards.
He always said that the
countryside should remain unspoiled.
That if Mother Nature
wanted billboards,
she would have
gotten in touch with you.
- Well thanks anyway.
- You're welcome.
Did you want your card back?
- No, you can have it.
- Well that's good and solid.
The cow won't be able
to get through there again.
- Huh, she won't have to.
She found another way in.
- Oh that miserable.
Get out, get out!
Go on, get out!
Look at these tomatoes.
- Yeah, they look better
than they did last year.
- Mr. Kimball.
- Yeah, I noticed your
corn field looked better too.
- Look, Mr. Kimball,
we're a little busy.
- Hey, you better fix
that hole in the fence
or that cow is liable to
go over to Colby's place
and cause a lotta damage.
- That's Colby's!
- Well how'd she get in here?
- Through that
hole in the fence!
- Boy you oughta fix that.
- Look, I...
- I can't move her.
- That's no way to
try to move a cow.
I took a course in
college on cow moving.
There was one method
that was advocated
by Professor Lucius Feltweiner.
- What was that?
- You get a shotgun
and scare her off.
- If I had a shotgun
I think I would.
- Would you like to borrow mine?
- No, I...
- I took another course
in college that might work.
Animal psychology.
- Look, Mr. Kimball.
You're just wasting our...
- What's her name?
- Irene.
- Irene huh?
My dear, I would
like to talk to ya.
You understand?
(cow moos) (playful music)
- Holy hole in the fence.
Did you see that?
- What did you say to her?
- Well I told her you said
that if she didn't
get out of here
you were gonna borrow my
shotgun and blow her head off.
- Goodbye Mr. Kimball.
- Oh, well goodbye Mr. Douglas.
- How come you're so dirty?
- Huh? Oh!
- We were fixing the fence
to keep Mr. Douglas'
girlfriend out.
- Oh?
- Her name is Irene.
And she's in love with him.
- She's a cow.
- Well that's a nice
way to talk about a girl
who's in love with you.
- He's an 18 karat cad.
- She's Mr. Colby's cow.
And she keeps
breaking down the fence
and trampling my crops.
And if she does
it once more, I'll...
- You'll what?
- He'll blow her head off.
- Eb will you?
- He's gonna borrow
Mr. Kimball's shotgun.
- That's enough Eb.
- But.
- Just run along.
- Yes sir.
- Well you certainly
are a hot head.
- I am not a hot head.
- Well then why did
you want to borrow
Mr. Kimball's sh*t
g*n to shoost the cow?
- I didn't want to borrow it.
- Here's the shotgun you
wanted to borrow Mr. Douglas.
- But.
- Well!
If I ever saw anybody with
a guilty look on their face.
And a shotgun in
their hand, that is you.
- Look, I didn't...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
Guess who broke down the fence
and is in your apple orchard
eating all your apples?
- Oh that miserable.
Well I'll fix her.
- Oh Oliver, don't do it.
Don't do it!
- We'll put the billboard
up right over there Phil.
- This side would be
better Mr. Wheeler.
- No that property
belongs to a hot head
who doesn't like billboards.
- Oh, well we don't wanna
tango with another one of them.
Remember the farmer
that took his shotgun to us?
- Vividly.
Come on, let's unload the truck.
- Irene I warned you.
Now get outta here.
Go on, out!
(g*n fires)
- Was that a shotgun?
- Yeah and it's coming
from the direction
of the hot head's farm.
- [Oliver] Will you
get outta here?
- We're going, we're going.
Let's get moving.
(playful frenzied music)
- Irene, what would it
take to make you go home?
(cow moos)
I'm sorry, but I'm married.
- I think it's a good idea
for you to talk to Mr. Colby.
With your husband running
around with a loaded shotgun.
- Oh I don't think that
Mr. Douglas would sh**t anybody.
- Uh oh.
Holy smoke.
- What is it?
- Irene.
- Why is she sleeping this way?
- She ain't sleeping.
- You mean she.
- As a doornail.
Mr. Douglas finally did it.
- Oliver.
Oliver how could you?
(sobs)
- Stay here.
Holy toledo.
- Is the cow really...
- She d*ed a grade A death.
I guess she went out
the way she wanted to.
With her cream on top.
Boy if Mr. Colby
finds out about this,
he's gonna come
gunning for Mr. Douglas.
- What can we do?
- May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Douglas sh*t
Irene in a fit of rage.
- Your husband is a cow k*ller?
- What can we do?
Mr. Colby might
shoost my husband.
- Let me examine
the corpus delicious.
(hollow thunking)
It's a dud.
Maybe there's some way
I can parlay this into $190.
- Well Mr. Haney?
- It's Irene alright and
she's beyond morsel help.
- Oh the poor thing.
- But at a time like this,
we must think of the living,
namely Mr. Douglas.
And how to protect him
from Mr. Colby's wrath.
- Yeah.
- Now you two go home and
act as if nothing had happened.
And I'll get rid of the
rigor before mortise sets in.
- How much is that
gonna cost Mr. Haney?
- Let's not discuss
money at a time like this.
- Oh that's very kind of you.
- Oh I'll be around
later for my $50.
- Why are you staring at me?
- It's the first time I've
been this close to a k*ller.
It's a little frightening.
- What is he?
- Oh Oliver, oh Oliver.
Why did you do it?
Why, why, why, why?
- Have you been taking
Joan Crawford lessons?
- Just like pretty boy Floyd.
He's gonna brazen it out.
- Eb, take this g*n
back to Mr. Kimball.
- Oh no.
You're not gonna get
my fingerprints on it.
I ain't gonna take
the rap for ya.
- What?
- You should be ashamed of
yourself, trying to frame him.
- You two haven't been at
the antifreeze again have you?
- Oliver, why did you do it?
Why, why, why?
- Will ya stop with the
vi vi and tell me vat vat?
- You sh*t Irene that's vat vat.
- You're outta your mind.
- No Oliver, you're the
one that's out of your mind.
That's how we're
going to get you off.
You're going to plead
temporary insanitation.
- Yeah there's always been
a streak of insanitation
in my family.
- Oh but don't worry Oliver.
I will stick by you.
- Lisa, I appreciate
your loyalty,
but I did not k*ll
Mr. Colby's cow.
- You fired the
shotgun, didn't you?
- In the air, straight up.
- That's the way we found her,
with her legs in
the air, straight up.
- Lisa I did not...
- Anyway Oliver, you
don't have to worry.
We got rid of her.
- Thank you, very much.
- Boy, there goes a
real coup cow k*ller.
- Well I know that you and
Irene were very good friends.
- Mrs. Douglas.
- Oh Mr. Haney.
- Is the k*ller around?
- No he's out in the apple
orchard fixing a fence.
- Good.
You'll be happy to know I
took care of that little matter.
I gave her a nice service,
dignified but simple.
Now may I have my $75?
- I thought you said $50.
- Well I figured you'd
want an organist.
- Well I don't have
the money with me.
- A check will be fine.
- Well thank you.
- Oh, if you don't mind,
just make it out to cash.
- Who's he?
- Uh, he's the organist.
Ogden Cash.
- There you are.
- 'Course we're not
outta the woods yet.
- We're not?
- No ma'am.
Mr. Colby hasn't
missed Irene yet.
And when he does, he'll
know what's happened
and he'll come a
gunning for your husband.
- What can we do?
What, what, what?
- That's one of the finest
impressions I've ever seen
of Joan Crawford.
- Thank you.
- Now the only way to keep
Colby from missing Irene
is to replace her
with another cow.
You wouldn't happen to
have a cow would you?
- Well just Eleanor.
But I can't give her up.
I couldn't do that to her.
- Well either you
do it to Eleanor
or Mr. Colby'll do
it to your husband.
- Oh I'm sorry Eleanor.
- Now if you will just make
me out another check for $15.
- What is that for?
- Transporting
Eleanor over to Colby's.
Now normally
there'd be no charge,
but unfortunately I'm
driving a unionized truck.
- Oh, well.
- But I don't need a cow.
- All I'm asking for is $100.
- And I wouldn't
give you $35 for her.
- Sold, $35.
- What's the matter with her?
Dried up?
- Colby, I resent you casting
nasturtiums on my honesty.
- Why are you so
anxious to sell her?
- Well I'm having a
gigantic cow clearance sale.
I'm getting rid of all my cows
to make room for a flock of
sheep I'm considering buying.
$35 eh?
You got a deal.
- Oh, Mr. Haney.
- Is the moo moo
m*rder*r at home?
- No.
He went to Drucker's.
- Probably to get a tranquilizer
for his jagged nerves.
- No, he went
to get a fertilizer.
- Well that'll take the edge
off of a jagged nerve too.
- Anyway, I brought it over.
- Brought what over?
- Follow me.
I'm sorry it took so long.
- What took so long?
- Having Irene stuffed and
mounted as per your order.
Ain't that a work
of taxidermical art?
- Yes, but I didn't order it.
That wasn't your
voice on the phone
saying to have Irene stuffed
and mounted for $100?
- No, it wasn't.
- Perhaps it was your $50 voice?
- Well why would I want
to have Irene stuffed?
- As an object lesson to your
husband to curb his temper.
By having this
stuffed version of Irene
in such a prominent
place as your bedroom,
it will serve as a constant
reminder of his dastardly deed.
And I guarantee that he'll
never k*ll another cow again.
- Well, if it help to
curve his temper,
it's worth $25.
- Uh, I believe the last
figure mentioned was $50.
- $35 is the highest.
- Make it $45 and
you've bought yourself
a stuffed constant reminder.
- Alright, you put it in the
barn and I'll get your money.
- Mr. Douglas, this
ain't gonna work.
- Why not?
Something's broken,
you tie splints to it.
- Boy you've really blown
your mind since you...
- Since I what?
- Since you.
Holy smoke.
Look!
It's the ghost of Irene
come to haunt you.
- What?
- Haunt him.
He did it to ya.
But I tell ya it was
the ghost of Irene.
- How can it be the ghost of
Irene when the ghost of Irene
is in the barn,
in there stuffed?
- Where did you get this?
- I bought it from Mr. Haney.
He had it stuffed for me.
- This ain't Irene.
This is a phony.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, look what
it says right here.
Property of the Salt Lake
City salt lick company
advertising department.
- I should've known better.
Mr. Douglas never
could shoost anybody.
- He might start now when
he finds out about all the money
you gave Mr. Haney.
- Well maybe we
better not say anything.
- It's okay with me,
but how are you gonna
explain where Eleanor is?
- Oh, I forgot all about her.
You go over to Mr. Colby
and get her back.
- Okay.
What about stuffy?
- Well I have to find out
a way to get rid of her
before Mr. Douglas gets back.
- Looking for something?
- Yes, we had a stuffed
cow on top of our truck
and it fell off along
here somewhere.
- Have you seen it?
- Well that all depends.
Is there any reward?
- $10.
- Don't go away.
May I be of assistance?
- Mr. Haney.
You should be
ashamed of yourself.
- Why?
What did I do?
- Starting from the beginning.
You made me think that my
husband was a cow shooster.
Then you charge me to
get rid of the evidence.
And then you charge me
again for this stuffed phony and...
- You haven't told your
husband, have you?
- No, and I better not.
Otherwise we'll have a
stuffed Mr. Haney around here.
- You'd better get rid of this
before Mr. Douglas sees it.
- Well that was I
was trying to do.
- Let me take it
off of your hands.
- How much will that cost?
- Nothing!
Just a $10 trucking fee.
- I like nothing better.
- But...
- Nothing!
- Very well, I'll do it
as an act of mercy.
- Yep, this is it.
- Good.
May I have the $20 reward?
- I said $10.
- Oh that's correct.
But I had to pay $10
outta my own pocket
to the folks that found it.
Because they had
become so attached to it.
- Alright, here's your $20.
- Good.
This should do it.
- Eb, Eb!
- What's the matter?
- Eleanor's missing.
- Well then why are
you calling for Eb?
- Do you know where she is?
- What does she look like?
- Are you stalling me?
Where is Eleanor?
- The question is
where is Eleanor?
- Here she is.
- There she is.
Does that answer your question?
- Eb, where've you been?
- Oh we were jogging.
- Jogging?
Let me have her.
- You owe Mr. Colby $35.
- $35!
- What was that about $35?
- Who said that?
- You did.
- I didn't hear it.
- Eb.
Take Eleanor to the
barn and milk her.
- Yes sir.
- Lisa, what's going on?
You two've been
acting funny all day.
First you accuse me of...
- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas.
- It's five to six,
I suppose you've come
to ask for an extension.
- No sir.
I have come to
give you your $200.
If you'll count it please.
- Where did you
get all this money?
- Oh I picked it up.
A little here
and a little there.
- Mostly here.
- Satisfied?
- No.
There's only $195 here.
You're $5 short.
- I am?
Somewhere along the line I
didn't charge somebody enough.
Surely you'll trust
me for the other $5.
- Mr. Haney, I've put up with
enough of your shenanigans.
This time I'm gonna
teach you a lesson.
I want the $5 now.
- Well I haven't got it.
But I could tell you a $5
story about a stuffed cow.
- Nevermind Mr. Haney.
Here's your $5.
- Thank you.
- Why did you give him the $5?
- Well I heard the
stuffed cow story
and I don't think
you would've liked it.
("Green Acres Theme Song")
- [Woman] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
05x19 - The Cow k*ller
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.