("Green Acres
Theme" by Vic Mizzy)
(speaking in foreign language)
(duck quacking)
(speaking in a foreign language)
(duck quacks)
- Lisa, I'm starved,
what are we gonna...
What's the duck
doing on the table?
- He's having lunch, except
he doesn't want to eat.
- Well, he doesn't have
to have it on the table.
Alright, duck, get off.
- Oliver, you know he only
understands Hungarian.
- Tell him to get off the table.
(speaking in a foreign language)
- If you were any
kind of a father
you'd learn to talk
to him in Hungarian.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not planning on talking
to him in any language.
Now, can I please have some...
What's that mess?
- It's Hungarian duck food.
It's got shredded
prunes, jellied liver,
and it's stuffed
with a fish sauce.
(audience laughs)
I can't understand
why Drobny won't eat it.
It used to be his favorite
food when he lived in Hungary.
- Fine.
Now, what's for lunch?
- You can have this,
he didn't even touch it.
(audience laughs)
- I wouldn't go near
that with a snorkel tube.
- You love shredded prunes.
- I never had shredded prunes.
- You know how you always
put fish sauce on everything.
- When do I put fish sauce?
- Oliver, I am
worried about Drobny.
He doesn't eat, he's
tossing in his sleep,
and he gets headaches.
(audience laughs)
- A duck doesn't get...
- I think I know
what's wrong with him.
He's homesick for Hungary.
- Then let's send him home.
- Uncle Janos sent
him to us as a present,
we can't send him back.
- Alright, we'll
have him deported.
An anonymous call to
the immigration authorities
ought to do it.
(audience laughs)
- Oliver, that's not a
very nice thing to say!
- You've been
pampering him too much.
- You don't understand.
Like, all Hungarians
he's very sensitive.
Now, if you would play
with him once in a while.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not playing
with any dumb duck.
(duck quacks)
- Now you did it!
- What's he...
- He's going into the bedroom
with his security blanket.
(audience laughs)
♪ Green Acres is the place to be
♪ Farm livin' is the life for me
♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide
♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside
♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay
♪ I get allergic smelling hay
♪ I just adore a penthouse view
♪ Darling I love you
but give me Park Avenue
♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air
♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife
♪ Good bye, city life
♪ Green Acres we are there
(upbeat music)
(upbeat Hungarian music)
- Lisa?
Lisa!
Lisa, I can't
work with all this.
(audience laughs)
(duck quacks)
Hey, you dirty.
(duck quacks)
I ought to give you such a...
- Oh, a child beater!
- I'm not a... He bit me.
- What did you do to him?
- Nothing, I just turned
off the record player.
- No wonder he bit you.
He was listening to
Hungarian Gypsy music.
(duck quacks)
- Well I don't care...
- They're his favorites.
And if you were
any kind of a father
you'd sing one to
him once and awhile.
(audience laughs)
- Will you stop
calling me his father?
(duck quacking)
(speaking in a foreign language)
What was that about?
- He wanted to
know what you said,
and I told him that you
said that you're not his father.
(duck quacking)
He said he's happy to hear that.
(audience laughs)
- Can you keep him quiet?
I'm trying to get
some work done.
(upbeat music)
- That's a good, little boy.
(upbeat music) (loud knocking)
(pig oinking)
- Oh, it's you.
That's all I need.
(pig oinks)
There's nobody home.
- Oliver.
Did I hear Arnold?
- Yes, I was just
saying good bye...
- But I was expecting him.
Come on in, Arnold.
(pig oinks)
- I don't want him
in here I'm trying...
- Oliver, I called the Ziffels
and asked them
to send Arnold over
so Drobny had someone
to play with his own age.
- Honey, I'm not running a zoo.
- Drobny.
(duck quacks)
- Lisa, please...
- Drobny, this is Arnold.
(duck quacks) (pig oinks)
I think they're going
to be good friends.
- Not in here, they're not.
- But Arnold came
over to play with Drobny.
- They can play outside.
Come on, outside, both of you.
(pig oinks) (duck quacks)
- Play nice.
I wonder what game
they're going to play.
- Russian Roulette
would be nice.
- Oliver!
(pig oinks)
(duck quacks)
(pig oinks)
(duck quacks)
(pig oinks)
(duck quacks)
(pig oinking)
Well, how are you
two getting along?
(pig oinks)
Oh, that's terrible.
I forgot all about that.
- What's the matter now?
- Well, they can't communicate.
You see, Drobny can
only speak Hungarian
and Arnold only speaks English.
(pig oinks)
He also speaks
French and Spanish,
and a little bit of Japanese.
(audience laughs)
- Japanese?
(pig oinks)
- And sayonara
to you too, Arnold.
(upbeat music)
- Will you shut that thing off?
(upbeat Hungarian music)
Drobny! (door slams)
- Oliver, did...
What happened to the stove pipe?
- Oh, I slammed
the door to keep out
that stupid
Hungarian rhapsody...
- What are all these papers?
- I'm trying to fill out
my state income tax.
- Can Drobny help you?
He has nothing to do.
(audience laughs)
- Lisa, please
let me finish this.
- Alright, darling, go ahead.
What's that $400?
- It's a deduction for
business expenses.
- Oh, you're going
to try to do that again.
- What?
- Remember the
last time you tried it
you almost finished up in jail
and I was going to bake
you a cake with a saw in it?
(audience laughs)
- Lisa, please, will
you leave me alone?
- Alright.
Can I get you some more coffee?
- No thanks.
- I'll get you some.
- Hi.
- [Lisa] Hello, Eb.
- Oh, I see the
chief is working.
- Yes, and he doesn't
want to be disturbed.
- What's he working on?
- His tax form.
- Oh, cheating the
government again, huh?
(audience laughs)
- This time it's the state.
(audience laughs)
- Look, would you two mind?
- You'd better be careful.
Last year we almost
lost you to the Feds.
(audience laughs)
- Eb, will you please?
- If mom hadn't baked
you that cake with a file in it
you'd still be in the pokey.
(audience laughs)
- Eb, will you do me a favor?
- Where's Drobny?
- Listening to Gypsy music.
It soothes his nerves.
- Well, I got him a present
here that ought to cheer him up.
Drobny!
(audience laughs)
- Eb, will you...
- What did you get him, Eb?
- This.
The guy in the store said
this is real big in Hungary.
It's called a Budapest Banger.
(audience laughs)
- What does it do?
- I'll show ya.
- Eb, no, no, Eb, alright!
Stop that!
- He doesn't like
anything Hungarian.
(audience laughs)
- Look, take that thing
and get out of here will you?
(duck quacking)
- Look what I got
for you, Drobny.
(duck quacks)
- Show him how it works, Eb.
- No, not in here.
No, no, not...
(ball bangs)
(Lisa squeals)
- Where did the ball go?
- It's in Mr. Douglas'
coffee cup.
- What did you
put it in there for?
(audience laughs)
- You nitwit!
You ruined my tax form.
- I'm sorry, Drobny.
I'll see if I can fix it for ya.
- Don't bother, Eb.
I don't think that will
help him with his problem.
He needs friends.
- You know it's too bad him
and Arnold didn't hit it off.
- Oh, they would have, if
there wasn't a language barrier.
(audience laughs)
- You know something?
If you were any kind of
father you would hire a tutor
for Drobny so he could
learn some English.
(audience laughs)
- I'm not his
father and I don't...
- I know just what he needs.
He needs a girlfriend.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you call your cousin
and see if she'll
go out with him?
- Which cousin is that?
- The one with the web feet.
(duck quacks)
- I wonder where we
could find a girl duck.
- Yeah, one that
speaks Hungarian.
- Oh, that won't be necessary
if they start a romance
because love is the one language
that everybody understands.
(audience laughs)
Except him.
(upbeat music)
(singing in a foreign language)
Where are you going?
- I'm going into Druckers.
I wanna see if he
has another tax form.
- I'll go with you.
I'll see if maybe
Mr. Drucker knows somebody
who has a girl duck.
I told Drobny about the
girlfriend and he likes the idea.
(audience laughs)
- I really don't
care what he likes
but if you want to
come with me let's go.
- Come on, Drobny,
we're going for a ride.
- Oh, no, no, not Drobny.
- Of course.
If he wants to have a girlfriend
he's going to be the one
who chooses her.
- I don't wanna take that...
- Anyway, we're not going
to be the kind of parents
who are going to choose
a romance for their child.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(duck quacking)
Oh, hello there, Mr. Drucker.
- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas.
- Mr. Drucker,
I'd like to get a...
(duck quacks)
- Oh, hello, Drobny.
(duck quacks)
Say, how's he feeling?
I heard he was homesick.
- Yes.
He's still pretty
down on the dumps.
(audience laughs)
- The Budapest Banger
didn't cheer him up?
- Mr. Drucker, could I
please get waited on?
- Sorry, what is it you want?
- We want to get a
girl duck for Drobny.
- We want a tax form.
- Do you know
anyone that has any?
- Tax forms or a girl duck?
(audience laughs)
- Girl ducks.
- Look, Lisa will you...
- Girl ducks, huh?
- And it should be a
girl from a good family.
You see Drobny has
royal blood in him.
- Oh really?
- Yes, in Hungary his
father was the head duck
in the palace barn.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, well I be.
It's an honor to have
you here, your duck-ship.
(audience laughs)
- Oh for the love of...
Mr. Drucker, could I please
have a state tax form?
- Oh, of course, I have
one here someplace.
(duck quacking)
Oh, I just happened to think,
Ben Miller has a girl duck.
No, he had it for
Christmas dinner.
(audience laughs)
- If he'd like one
for this Christmas.
- Oliver!
(duck quacking)
Now you've hurt his feelings.
- Oh, I thought he couldn't
understand English.
- He doesn't but he knows
when he's being
sold down the river.
(audience laughs)
- Here we are, state tax form.
(duck quacks)
- This form has already
been filled out by somebody.
- It has?
- Yeah.
- Oh, just cross out these
figures and put your own in.
(audience laughs)
- Haven't you got a new form?
Please?
- New form.
New form.
Oh say, you're in luck.
Here's one that's
only five years old.
(coughs)
- You've been coughing
an awful lot lately.
If you hear of anybody
that has a girl duck
be sure to call me.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh good.
- Well, let's go.
- Come on, Drobny.
On the way home Drobny
and I will sit in the backseat.
I don't want him
to catch your cold.
(upbeat music)
Oh, Oliver.
- Lisa, I'm going to work
on my tax in the bedroom
and I don't want
to be disturbed.
- I'll see that
nobody bothers you.
(upbeat music)
(duck quacking)
(upbeat Hungarian music)
- b*at it!
(duck quacking)
- What is all the commotion?
- It's that darned duck again.
(duck quacking)
- He says you hit him!
- He's a liar.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the barn
and I don't want to be
disturbed by anyone.
Especially you.
(audience laughs)
- I keep telling you he
doesn't understand English.
(duck quacks)
You're right, he
is a big sore head.
(upbeat music)
- Hi, Eleanor.
I'm gonna give you a check up.
Open your mouth and say ah.
- Mr. Kimble.
- No, no, not
Mr. Kimble, just say ah.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Kimble.
- Oh you don't seem
to understand, Eleanor.
All I want is a simple ah.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Kimble!
- Oh, Mr. Douglas.
- What are you doing?
- Cow's acting very strange.
She keeps saying "Mr. Kimble."
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Kimble, what do you want?
- I don't know, what do you got?
(audience laughs)
It's not what you got,
it's what Eleanor's got.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, the chief
sent me out to check
all the cows in
the neighborhood.
- What for?
- Cow throat.
- Cow throat?
(audience laughs)
- Shh!
It's a disease that cows get.
Well, it's not a
disease it's more of a...
Well, you can always
tell it by feeling the throat
right there.
(audience laughs)
Uh-oh.
Would you open your
mouth and say ah?
- Go on, Mr. Kimble.
Now cut it out!
- Can't anybody
give me a simple ah?
(moos)
Hey, that's close
but it's still not it.
- Look, there is nothing
wrong with Eleanor.
Now would you mind leaving?
I'm busy.
- No, you go right ahead.
What are you doing?
- My income tax.
- (laughs) You
never give up do ya?
Still trying to get that old
$400 deduction, huh? (laughs)
- Good bye, Mr. Kimble.
- So long, Mr. Douglas.
Say, by the way I
hear you're looking
for a friend for Drobny.
Would you be interested in
a goat that speaks Armenian?
(audience laughs)
Well, it's not pure
Armenian it's...
- Good bye, Mr. Kimble.
- So long, Mr. Douglas.
Good bye, Eleanor.
(Eleanor moos)
(upbeat music)
- Oliver.
- [Oliver] Yes, dear?
- Where are you?
- In the bathroom.
- What are you doing in there?
- I'm working on my income tax.
It's the only place I can get...
- Oliver, something
terrible has happened.
Drobny disappeared.
- Wonderful.
Close the door on your way out.
- Oliver, this is serious.
- Lisa, just let me
finish my work.
- I think he ran away from home.
All his things are gone.
- What things?
- His security blanket,
his Gypsy record.
(audience laughs)
- Did you count our silverware?
- Oliver, this is serious.
Oh that poor, little duck
is out there all alone.
We've got to find him.
- Look, I'm not running
around looking for a duck.
- Oliver, please?
You know he was so unhappy.
He was telling me last night
that he was thinking of
hitchhiking to Budapest.
(audience laughs)
- Budapest?
- Mrs. Douglas!
- Oh, you found him!
Where was he?
- He was trying to
hitch a ride to Budapest.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, the poor, little fellow.
He's shivering.
- I'll give him a hot bath.
(audience laughs)
- Where are you going?
- To draw a hot tub for Drobny.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm doing my tax form in there.
- No wonder the little
nipper wants to go home.
You're so unfriendly to him.
(audience laughs)
- Maybe we should
send Drobny home.
- Good, now that
that's settled...
- Of course he
would be happy here
if we could find
him a girl duck.
- Oh, forget it, there
aren't any around.
(duck quacking)
(Drobny quacking)
- I think Tarzan's
found his mate.
(audience laughs)
(ducks quacking)
- Come on Oliver!
- Down, boy, down.
(duck quacking)
- Oh, Mr. Haney, I
might have known.
- Mr. Haney, is
that a girl duck?
- I believe so.
She answers to the
name of Gertrude.
- Then it is a girl.
- Not necessarily.
Your brother used to answer
to the name of Florence.
(audience laughs)
- Mr. Haney, does
Gertrude speak Hungarian?
- I never asked her.
Gertrude, do you
speak Hungarian?
(duck quacks)
You do?
She said she speaks it fluently.
(audience laughs)
- Oh brother.
- She'd be perfect for Drobny.
Mr. Haney, is she for sale?
- Ooh, there's a
superfluous question.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I wouldn't
think of selling her.
- But, Mr. Haney, Drobny
needs a wife to make him happy.
- In that case,
you may have her.
Now, may I have your
check for $600 please?
- I thought she wasn't for sale.
- Oh, well she's not.
I'm just renting her
to you for $20 a day,
the first month
payable in advance.
(audience laughs)
- That sounds reasonable.
- It sure does.
- It's not...
I'm not spending
$600 for a duck.
(duck quacks)
- Gertrude said if you
was any kind of a father
you'd be glad to buy your
son a female companion.
(audience laughs)
- And she's right.
(duck quacks)
- Drobny wants to
make friends with her.
(ducks quacking)
Look at that, it's
love at first sight.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, it is.
This heart rendering moment
is certainly worth $600.
- It's worth more than that.
- It sure is.
- No it isn't.
- Oh, but Oliver please?
(ducks quacking eagerly)
Please, Oliver?
- Oh for the...
Look, Mr. Haney, I'll
give you $20 for the duck.
- Oh, I couldn't take the...
Well, I guess I'm just an old
softy when it come to romance.
(audience laughs)
Oh, by the way, would you be
interested in a honeymoon trip
for Gertrude and Drobny?
- Yes, we would.
- No, we wouldn't.
- It'd only cost $200
and that would include...
- b*at it!
(audience laughs)
- Oliver, thank you buying
Gertrude for Drobny.
You've made Drobny very happy.
Just look at them.
(ducks quacking happily)
(door slams)
(upbeat music)
I think they want to be alone.
We better get lost for awhile.
- Well, I'm not getting
lost, this is my house.
(door rattling)
Hey!
How'd they lock the door?
- Now do you get the message?
(audience laughs)
- Look, hey! (bangs on door)
Come on, come on you two.
Break it up in there.
(bangs on door)
(upbeat Hungarian music)
- You're wasting your time.
Once a Hungarian
honeymoon starts
there is no way of stopping it.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- How're the newlyweds
getting along?
- What newlyweds?
- Drobny and Gertrude.
- They're hardly newlyweds.
They've been married
over five weeks.
- They sure sent me a pretty
postcard from Niagara Falls.
(audience laughs)
- Niagara Falls?
- Where else would you expect
a duck to go on his honeymoon?
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Drucker...
- They're living out
of your place now?
- Yes, but Drobny is building
them a house to live in.
- It's not a house.
Just a little thing
Eb's building for them.
- Yes, but Drobny
drew up the plans.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Mr. Drucker,
could I... (phone ringing)
- Excuse me.
Drucker's store.
What?
Oh, yeah, just a second.
It's Eb, for you.
- Hello.
Eb, yes?
What?
Well boil some water
we'll be right home!
- What's the matter?
- We are going to
be grandparents.
(ducklings cheeping)
Aren't they cute?
- What else could they be?
- Just like a
grandfather, so modest.
(cheeping)
- Drobny named
that one after you
and that one after you
and the third on after me.
(chick cheeping)
- Isn't that chick?
- Yeah.
(birds cheeping)
(audience laughs)
- I wonder how Drobny's
wife explained that to him.
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
06x21 - A Girl for Drobny
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Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.