06x26 - The Ex-Secretary

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Green Acres". Aired: September 15, 1965 - April 27, 1971.
Oliver & Lisa move from NYC to a farm to live off the land and have a simpler life.
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06x26 - The Ex-Secretary

Post by bunniefuu »

(upbeat music)

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin'
out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just
give me that countryside

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dahling, I love you
but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪
The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green acres we are there

(upbeat music)

- What are you doing now?

- Same thing I was doing before:

looking for a Christmas card.

- Boy.

Once I don't send you a
card, then you fall all to pieces.

- No, no, it's not from you.

It's from Carol Rush.

- And whom may I ask is she?

- She was my secretary
when I was practicing law

in New York.
- Oh?

Was she the tall brunette who
always wore tight sweaters?

- No, you made me f*re her.

- Was she the blond
girl that always wiggled

when she walked
through the office?

- No, you made me f*re her, too.

- Then who was Carol
Rush? (slams drawer)

- She was that

plain up and down girl that
used to wear the sweatshirts.

- Then why are you looking
for her Christmas card?

- I'm not looking for the card,

I'm looking for the
envelope, the return address.

She moved to California,

and I'd like to get
in touch with her.

- [Lisa] So, you can
start up with her again?

- Do you know what this is?

- I know it's a trick question.

But I say it's a watch.

- Right, my father
gave it to me.

- What's the connection
between the watch

and the little Miss Up-and-down?

- The watch is broken.

It's an old time piece.

I broke it once before.

Miss Rush took it to a
jeweler on Madison Avenue

who was able to fix it.

And I can't remember his name.

So, I wanna write to her
and see if she remembers it,

so that I can send the
watch to the jeweler

and have it repaired.

- Boy, when you make
up a story, it's a beaut.

- Aha!

Carol Rush, 110987

Hope Avenue, Los
Angeles, California.

(quirky music)

- Oh, Carol, there's a
special delivery letter for you.

- Be right there!
- Okay.

- No check.

- Oh, come on, Harry,
that belongs to Carol.

Put it down.

- Oliver Wendell Douglas.

- Oh Mr. Douglas.

Oh, that's the attorney
she used to work for

when she was in
New York, remember?

- Oh.
- Carol, come on.

You're breakfast
is gonna get cold.

- Morning, Sis. Morning Harry.
- Hi.

- Hi, honey,
there's your letter.

- It's from Mr. Douglas.

- There's no check in it.

- Harry X-rayed the envelope.

- Oh.

That's too bad.

- What's the matter?

- Mr. Douglas broke his watch.

- Oh, well that was darn
nice of him to let you know.

Can you just imagine a
guy waking up and saying,

"I broke my watch.

"I must write to my old
secretary and tell her.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Douglas's
father gave it to him.

It's very old, and there's this
jeweler where I once took it

that knows how to fix it.

- And Mr. Douglas wants to know

if I could remember his name.

I remember he had a Swiss name.

- Irving Fondue?

(audience laughs)
- No.

His store was on Madison Avenue,

and 38th Street.

No, it was 39th Street.

- Why don't you try remembering

while you eat your breakfast.

Come on, honey.

- I haven't got time to eat.
- What's the matter?

- I'll miss the bus.

And Mr. Oglethorpe is
expecting a very important client,

and he told me if I'm
late again, he'd f*re me.

- Oh, there are plenty of jobs.

- How would you know?

- Well, I'll see you later, huh?

- Oh, yeah, dear,
don't forget your lunch.

- Oh, yeah, thanks. Bye.

- Bye, hon.
- Good-bye.

(whiumsical music)

- Miss Rush.
- Good morning Mr. Oglethorpe.

- What are you doing?

- I'm typing the letter
you dictated last night.

- With the cover
on the typewriter?

- Well, you said it
was a private letter,

and I didn't want
anybody to see it.

- You didn't want
anybody to see it?

- That's why I came in early.

- It is 9:25.

- Well, not according to the
clock you always f*re me by.

- If you weren't
my wife's cousin...

- How is Cousin Sophie?

- I don't know.

I haven't talked to
her psychiatrist lately.

Now, do you know what you did

with my list of
available properties?

- Yes, sir.

That's under L for List.

(whimsical music)

- What's this?

- L for lunch.

- Miss Rush, please
keep your lunch the L out...

Out of the L.
- Yes sir.

- I'm expecting a
Mr. David here any moment.

Would you do me a favor?

Please try to act like a real
secretary when he gets here?

- Yes sir.

Who's Mr. David?

- A very important businessman.

- Then why is he
coming to see you?

(audience laughs)

- Because my friend, Morey
Palmer, recommended me to him.

He's president of the
Westside Building Corporation.

They're the ones who build the

big skyscrapers
in New York City.

- Oh.

Do you know if he
put a building on

38th Street or 39th
Streets on Madison Avenue

that has a Swiss jeweler in it?

- A Swiss jeweler?

- I think his name is Beckholt.

No, it wasn't
Beckholt, it was...

Oh, I just can't remember.

- Well, will you try to
remember just one thing?

When Mr. David gets
here, don't talk to him,

just bring him right in.
- Yes sir!

(whimsical music)

Nothing like Beckholt.

- Good morning.

- Oh, good morning.

Mr. Oglethorpe is expecting you.

Come this way.

- No, but I...
- Right this way please.

Come right in.

Mr. Oglethorpe,
Mr. David is here.

- Mr. David, I'm certainly
pleased to meet you.

- My name isn't David.

- It isn't?
- No.

- Well, Miss Rush, didn't you
ask the gentleman his name?

- No sir.

You told me not to talk to him.

- I didn't...

- What's your name?

- Oh, it's Allan. Mark Allan.

- Allan Mark Allan.

I guess you need
the Mark in there

to separate one
Allan from the other.

- I'm here about the office
that you have for rent.

- Oh, I'll show it to you.

Right this way.

- Thank you, sir.

- That's the office.

I just have to get the key.

- Now, here.

- Right.

Oh, by the way, what
business are you in?

- Oh, I'm an attorney.

- I used to work for an
attorney in New York.

Mr. Douglas.

Oliver Wendell Douglas.

Do you know him?

- No.

- I thought you might have
since you both have three names.

- I only have...

- I got a letter from
him this morning.

He broke his watch and
there's this, oh, I got it.

- Oh.

(whimsical music)

- Right this way.

I hope you like the office.
- Yeah.

(knocking on door)
- Come in.

- Mr. Oglethorpe?
- Yes.

- I'm Lawrence David.

- Mr. David, come in, come in.

Why didn't my
secretary announce you?

- Oh. There was
nobody out there.

- Well that...

Oh, well, sit down, sit down.

- Thank you.

I've really been looking
forward to meeting you.

Morey Palmer says you're
the one man in Los Angeles

who might be able to help me.

- My entire organization
is at your disposal.

- That's Frisbee.

He comes here every morning
looking for Mr. Cal Sheimer.

- Cal Sheimer?
- Yeah.

He's the man that
used to rent this place.

He sold lingerie
through the mail.

I used to get all my
bras from him wholesale.

- That's very interesting.

- Mr. Casheimer
bought that chair.

He left it here
when he went away.

- Where'd he go?
- He d*ed.

Oh, not here, in Buffalo.

- How much does
the office rent for?

- Mr. Oglethorpe
wants $75 a month for it.

- That's a little steep for me.

- Mr. Oglethorpe will take 50.

He's desperate to rent it.

- I guess that I
could afford 50.

- If that's too much of
a strain, how about 35?

- That would be wonderful.

- I'll have to ask
Mr. Oglethorpe first.

- Now, this property
here on Front Street

will be very good for you, but

they want $2 million for it.

- Well, that's great.

We estimated we'd have to
pay four million for the land.

- Four million?
- Well, after all,

it's going to be a $40 or
$50 million dollar complex.

- $50 million?

- That's right.

That's why I came to you.

Morey Palmer said you're
used to dealing in big figures.

- Mr. Oglethorpe, would
you rent the office for $35?

I know you said
you wanted 75 for it,

but with business
being the way it is,

I thought...
- Miss Rush.

This is Mr. David.

- How did you get in here?

- Well, I...
- Mr. David?

Haven't we met before?

- I don't think so.

- You look very familiar.

Doesn't he, Mr. Oglethorpe?
- Go rent the office.

- For 35?
- Yes.

- Oh.


You got a deal.

$35 a month.

- Oh, Miss Rush, thank you.

(whimsical music)

- Now, how soon did you
wanna start work on the project?

- Oh, immediately.

My backers are ready now.

- Oh.

May I ask who your backers are?

- Well, every time we
construct a complex like this,

we form a corporation,

we usually sell stock to
a few private individuals.

- Oh, well, I was wondering

do you suppose it would
be possible for me to

buy some shares in the project?

- Well, I don't know.

I'd have to check that with
my associates in New York.

You realize that the
smallest unit we usually sell

is around $50,000.
- 50?

I don't have that much.

I'll have almost
$40,000 from the

commission on this land sale.

Then I could add
$10,000 of my own.

- Oh, my goodness,
almost one o'clock.

Look, why don't we continue
our discussion over lunch, hmm?

- Good idea.

Would you call the
Wild Fox restaurant,

and make a reservation
for me for luncheon?

- Which Wild Fox
restaurant is that?

- There's only one.

- Good.

I didn't want you to
show up at the other one

and not have a reservation.

- You didn't want me...

Come along, Mr. David.

- We never met, huh?

- I'm afraid not.

- Would that I
could say the same.

- Steinbocker.
- Huh?

- Does that sound like
a Swiss watchmaker?

- Well, I'm really not
into Swiss watchmakers.

- Steinbritter and Company.

That's it.

No, the and Company is right,

but it wasn't Steinbrute.

Come to think of it, it
wasn't and Company either.

It was and Sons.

(phone ringing) Oh, excuse me.

(whimsical music)

Oglethorpe Realty.

- Is this Carol Rush?
- Yes, it is.

Who's this?

- Oliver Douglas.

- Mr. Douglas.

What a coincidence.

I was just reading a letter
from you this morning.

- Yeah.

Miss Rush, do you happen
to remember the name

of that watchmaker?

- Yes sir.

It was Something and Sons.

- Something and Sons?
- Yes sir.

I'm not too sure
about the and Sons,

but I'm positive
it was something.

- Well, that's very...
- Miss Rush?

I found this in the
bottom drawer of

the desk.
- Oh!

- Miss Rush?
- Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Allan just found one of
Mr. Cal Sheimer's brassieres

in his desk drawer.

- One of Mr. Cal Sheimer's...
- Yes, you see he was...

- Miss Rush, you forgot...

What kind of an
orgy is going on here?

- What's an orgy?

- Well, it's a...

- Mr. Oglethorpe, I don't
think you understand.

I found this in the
bottom drawer of the desk.

- Oh, good.

You may keep it
for your honesty.

- Miss Rush?
- Oh, yes, Mr. Douglas.

- Who's Mr. Douglas?

- He was my former boss.

- Lucky him.

- That wasn't a
very nice thing to...

- I want you to come
into my office immediately,

and bring my checkbook.

- But I was...
- Immediately.

- Miss Rush?

- Mr. Douglas, I have to go now.

But you haven't told...

- It's been wonderful
talking to you.


(whimsical music)
(audience laughs)

- Think I've got about
just enough money.

- For what?
- None of your business.

- You're not a nice person.

- I don't have to
be, I'm your boss.

(phone ringing)

Well, answer the phone.

- Oglethorpe Realty.

Well hello, Mr. David.

You know, I have been
trying to remember...

- Give me that.

- Hello, Mr. David.

Oh, yes.

Oh, they did?


Would you let me think
it over for a few minutes?

I'll call you back.

Good bye.

$10,000 I can
just about swing it.

- Swing what?

- Well, Mr. David has
offered to let me in on this

complex they're building,

but he needs my
check for $10,000 today.

- What are you going to do?

- Get my wife on the phone.

- Oh, you're gonna
check with Cousin Sophie.

- And what's wrong with that?

- She always you could
never make up your own mind

about anything important.

- Oh?

- I guess she doesn't
think you're very smart.

- Oh?

Make out a check for
Mr. David for $10,000,

get him on the phone,

and tell him I'll be at
his hotel in 10 minutes.

(whimsical music)

- Hi.
- Well, hi.

You're here home early.

- Mr. Oglethorpe
closed the office early.

He's celebrating a
big deal he made.

He went to Las Vegas.
- Oh.

- Oh, I wish he'd
have let me know.

I could have sold him a great
system for sh**ting craps.

- Is that the same system

you lost our mortgage
payment with?

- Fruit?

- Oh, Carol, did Mr. Douglas
call you at the office today?

- Uh-huh.

- Did you remember the
name of the Swiss jeweler?

- No.
- Oh.

- It's been right on the
tip of my tongue all day.


- What a bird brain.

- Bird brain.

That's close.

It had something
to do with a bird.




That's it.


Horace Billingsly.

- Horace Billingsly was
a man who defrauded

that client of mine with that
phony real estate scheme.

- Oh, that's where I
remember Mr. David from.

He was Horace Billingsly.

- Well, he skipped town after
he cashed my client's check.

- Holy smoke!

It's been wonderful talking
to you again, Mr. Douglas.


- [Lillian] What's the matter?

- Mr. Oglethorpe gave
Mr. David a check for $10,000.

He's a crook.

- I always thought that
Oglethorpe looked a little shady.

- Not Mr. Oglethorpe, Mr. David.

- Well, then you better call
Mr. Oglethorpe right away

and tell him.

- I can't.

He's on his way to Vegas.

- It's probably too late anyway.

David must have
cashed that check already.

- He couldn't.

Mr. Oglethorpe
didn't give it to him

until after the bank closed.

- Well, then we
better call the police.

- What good is that?

They can't do anything if
he hasn't cashed the check.

- I've gotta get
that check back,

or Mr. Oglethorpe
would be ruined.

What can I do?

- Just give me a minute girl.

I'll think of something.

(whimsical music)

- Now, you know what to do.

First, you try to get
David out of the room

so you can look for the check.

- Suppose I can't?

- Well, then we pull
the old badger game.

You rip your dress, you scream.

I bust in, I say
I'm your husband,

and it'll cost him
$10,000 to keep it quiet.

- Do you think it'll work?

- It worked on Ironside,
and he's in a wheelchair.

(audience laughs)
- Oh.

- Now, look, I'll give
you a half hour from now.

That's till nine o'clock.

If you haven't found the
check by then, scream.

- Well, I...
- Now, Carol, don't worry.

I'll be right here.

- Well, here goes.

(whimsical music)
(knocking on door)


- Yes?

- Don't you remember
me, Mr. David?

I'm Carol Rush,

Mr. Oglethorpe's secretary.
- Oh, yes.

- Is he here?
- No.

- I better look and make sure.

Mr. Oglethorpe?

Mr. Oglethorpe?

Well, I guess he's
watching the parade.

- What parade?

- Oh, they always have a
big parade this time of year.

Why don't you go
down and watch it,

and I'll wait here for you.

- I don't like parades.

- Oh.

Did you have dinner yet?

- No.

- Well, why don't you go
down and grab a bite to eat,

and I'll stay here
and watch television

until you come back.

- Well, I was,

I was planning on
having dinner up here.

- Oh.

Would you mind if I
had dinner with you?

- Not at all.

What can I get for you?

- Why don't you run
down to the corner

and pick up some spare
ribs and bring them back.

- They have great spare
ribs right here in the hotel.

I'll call room service.

Would you like a drink first?

- Yes.

- Scotch?

- Fine.

- Any particular brand?
- Hi, Harry.

- Oh, hi Joe.

- You looking for the game?

No, no.

Why is there one tonight?

- Yes, Studs is
having one in there.

He needs another hand.

You wanna sit in?

- Why not, I got
a little time to k*ll.

- Drinks will be right up, and
they'll send dinner up later.

- Sit down over here.
- Is this your coat?

- Yes.

- Well, you shouldn't
hang it on the chair.

The shoulders
get all out of shape.

- Is this a wallet?

- I guess.

- Well, you shouldn't
carry it in there.

That's the first place
a pick pocket goes for.

They just reach
right in and take it out.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's all right.

- Here.
- I'll just
put it down over here.

It won't be in anybody's way.

- Oh, were you packing?

- Yes.

- That's no way to pack.
- Oh.

- You'll get
everything all wrinkled.

- Look, you don't
have to bother with that.

Why don't we just

come over and sit right here.

(knocking on door)
- Room service.

- Oh excuse me.

- Here you are, sir.
- I'll take that.

(whimsical music)

Here, tip's on there.

- [Joe] Thank you, sir.

- Looking for something?

- No.

Uh, yes, yes.

A lot of times, you
find loose change.

It falls out of
people's pockets.

What time is it?

- 10 of nine.

(whimsical music)

- Pretty lucky tonight,
Harry, aren't you?

- Yeah, yeah.

Deal the cards, will ya, I
don't have too much time.

- You know, you're
a very pretty girl.

- Oh, you're just saying that.

- No, I'm not.

- Well, somebody just said it.

- Why don't we...
- I have a headache.

- You do?

- I'll tell you what?
- What?

- Why don't you go
down to the drugstore

and get me an aspirin.

- I have some in the bathroom.

Hang on. (whimsical music)

Well, here we are.

Here's the water.

What's that?

- What's what?
- That.

- How did that get on there?

- You're acting very peculiarly.

- What time is it?

- Nine o'clock.


- Was that a scream?

- Well, that was for me.

- Where do you
think you're going?

- To answer that scream.

- You're not going anyplace.

Not while you have all our loot.


- What's the matter with you?

- It's this nervous
condition I have.

It's called the nine
o'clock scream.


- It's up to you.

- I don't know what
you're up to, but...

- Don't you touch
me, Mr. Billingsly.

- Billingsly?

Why'd you call me that?

- Did I call you
that, Mr. Billingsly?

Oh, I mean...

- No wonder you kept
saying you'd seen me before.

You worked for that
lawyer in New York

who was going to
prosecute me for...

I'm sorry about this, Carol,

but I'm going to have to
do something about you.

- I don't see why.

Why don't you just give me
back Mr. Oglethorpe's check,

and we can forget
the whole thing.

- I can't do that.

- This is where the game is.

Open up, this is a
raid! (Carol screaming)

- What was that?

- Scream.

- Okay, you take
care of the raid,

I'll take care of the scream.

- Harry, I just don't understand
how you could play poker

while that man was
trying to k*ll my sister.

- I only played a few hands.

- Don't blame Harry.

If it hadn't been
for the poker game,

the police never would
have arrested Mr. David.

- Yeah, everything worked
out just the way I planned it.

- Harry, take out the
garbage. (knocking on door)

- Oh, I'll get it.

- Oh, thanks hon.

(whimsical music)

- Mr. Oglethorpe.

Come in.
- Thank you.

Miss Rush, I never thought
I'd have to stoop to this, but

I'm here to thank you
for saving me $10,000.

- We'll take a percentage.
- Harry, the garbage.

- You know, it's kind
of hard to believe

that Mr. Billingsly was a crook.

He had such an honest face.

- So has Oglethorpe.

You can't tell anything by that.

- Didn't your wife ask you
to take out the garbage?

Miss Rush, I'm
very grateful to you.

To show my appreciation,
I'm going to give you a $5 raise.

- $5 a week?
- A month.

- Oh.

- Some sport.

- Well, I'll be running along.

- Oh, Mr. Oglethorpe,

would you mind if I
took the morning off

to have my hair done?

- Take the whole day off.

- Oh, Mr. Oglethorpe, thank you.

- Good bye.

- Wasn't that nice
of Mr. Oglethorpe

to let me have
the whole day off?

- Honey, today's Saturday.

- Oh.

- What a dimwit.
- Dimwit.

That's it.

That's the name
of the watchmaker.

Jonas Dimwit.

Or was it Dimwitty.

No, it wasn't Dimwitty,
it was more like


No, Shultzheimer's not
right. (whimsical music)

("Green Acres theme")

- [Eva] This has been a
Filmways presentation, darling.
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