04x16 - Gas Pump, House Dump and Stew Volcano

[bunniefuu]

DAN: Ask around, look on the Internet.

I'm telling you, they've already
got punctureless tires,

and they've been hiding it
from us since the s.

Did you ever see one of
those Keystone Kops movies

where they're chasing bootleggers?

cops hanging off of one
truck, never a blowout.

Never.

Okay, who gave the Michelin
Man an energy drink

first thing in the morning?

That drink was in the fridge,
and it had my name on it, Dan.

Community property, baby.
I left half in there for you.

Actually, I drank the other half.

It's cute you think there's rules.

Hey, everyone.

Yes, yes, it is me.

The guy from the Olinsky
Hardware commercial

you all know and love,

playing on the pumps at the Stop 'N Gas!

Oh, my God. It's really you?

Here, just make it out to Darlene...

- Ah.
- ... the woman who is so sad

- that you're so excited about this.
- Mm.

For your information, the gas pump ads

have been a great promotion for us.

We've increased our sales by %.

Oh, man. I could use
that at The Lunch Box.

Now that football season's over
and basketball season's going,

everybody's hanging out
at The Drink and Dribble.

Oh, yeah. That's where The
Squat and Gobble used to be.

I miss the old Squat and Gobble.

That place would still be going

if they'd have had chairs in the joint.

Hey, Jackie, I can make you
a gas pump commercial

like mine, no problem.

We can sh**t the whole
thing on my phone.

Really? Could I come
up with the concept?

Sure, yeah. It just has
to be under seconds

or you get cut off by the
Sasquatch eating a Slim Jim.

Excuse me.

I was just upstairs grabbing
more stuff to take to Aldo's,

and why is there a dining room
set on my side of the bedroom?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Now that Darlene and
Becky are moving out,

I-I thought I'd bring some
more of my stuff over

and downgrade to a smaller storage unit.

Interesting how Louise is
slowly taking over the house.

She's my wife.

What exactly are you doing over here?

I'm the wise elder everybody
comes to for answers.

Look, Louise is too nice
to say this, but I'm not.

She's not trying to take over anything.

She's just trying to
carve out some space

in a house overrun with
-year-old step-grown-ups.

She just wants some
privacy with her husband.

Well, we're all on the same page.

None of us want to accidentally see

what you two need privacy for.

But I-I can't find a decent house
in this city that I can afford.

Wait, you're a Conner.

You're supposed to buy
something you can't afford

and then wake up every
night for the next years

with your heart racing.

Huh. It ain't my heart. That's GERD.

I'm just gonna have to
start looking further out.

Maybe it's time to let go
of that dream of a place

overlooking the Lanford salvage yard.

Hey, I'm a part of this, too.

I know house prices are lower

the farther away you get from Chicago,

but how far can you go?

Eventually, it's just,
like, Missouri, right?

Whoa. I can't have Becky
moving any further out.

She's already late three times a week

and she only lives a few blocks away.

That reminds me.
I'm gonna be late today.

See? This is what I'm
talking about. I just...

I feel overwhelmed over there.

It's like I'm trying to brush
the ocean back with a broom.

Yeah, you're the wise elder.

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

- [Knock on door]
- [Groans]

That's not good. Nobody knocks
on our door in the afternoon

unless they expect to find us home.

It's Blansky, the cemetery guy.

He must smell death around us.

Does anybody have a cough they
haven't been able to shake?

Hey, Don! How's it going?

I'm okay.

Hey, how come I never see
you around these days?

You're at the cemetery.

That's what I mean.
Stop eating so healthy.

Uh...

I haven't had the pleasure.

Hi, Don. I'm Louise, Dan's wife.

And he doesn't die
till I'm done with him.

Oh, well, hello.

Somebody made a deal with the devil.

Uh, but I'm actually here
for another reason.

I heard through my realtor that
Darlene was looking for a house?

Yeah, stop right there, Don.

Don't try to convince me
that a crypt is a tiny house.

Ah, I've got something better.

You know my funeral
home down on Pulaski?

Well, business is so good,

I'm moving into a bigger space.

Mm, well, don't expand too fast.

Who knows? People around here
could start wearing masks

and eating right.

Anyway, it's a small Victorian,

and it only became a funeral home

when my grandfather opened
the cemetery in the s.

I've been in that place.

Did some drywall work for
your dad. It's beautiful.

Look, we really appreciate
you stopping by

- and making our day weird, Don.
- Mm-hmm.

But Darlene and I really aren't in
the market for a funeral home,

but if you hear of a
converted slaughterhouse,

give us a ring. Bye-bye.

Don't rule it out.

It's like me. It's adorable,
well-maintained,

and won't be on the market for long.

Take care of yourself,
guy. But not too good!

Listen, he wouldn't be
sniffing around here

if he had a ton of buyers.

You may be able to get
this place for a song.

Yeah, because it's full of ghosts!

I'm not raising my kid
in a funeral home.

Look, it's not my dream house
either, but Dad's right.

It's close by, and I-I don't believe
in spirits lingering in a house.

Do you believe in adult
children lingering in a house?

'Cause that's what I'm trying to fix.

Go look at the place.

♪

Okay, so all I did was stand
behind the counter at my store

and say, "Hi, I'm Ben Olinsky
from Olinsky's Hardware.

Come on down for everything
you might need

for your home, car, or RV.

And I don't know why
we call it 'hardware,'

because when you come
in, I make it easy."

Huh? Just do something like that.

It's just simple with a touch of genius.

Okay, here's something
that won't put you to sleep

with the pump in your hand.

All right. We're gonna start
on a regular metal lunch box,

and a hand comes in, opens it up,

and the entire Lunch
Box restaurant is inside

with all the customers and everything.

And then the camera swoops
over to a bowl of stew,

and I'm in the stew

and I'm swimming across
it like Esther Williams.

And then a big spoon comes
in and scoops me up,

but before it throws me
into the giant mouth,

I say, "Hey, hungry.
Don't bite my head off.

Come on down to The Lunch Box.

We'll feed you happy!"

[Laughs]

I love it.

I do, too. I love it. I love it, too.

- I just have one question.
- Yes?

Do you have $ million?

What? You told me you could do
the whole thing on your phone.

No, look.

Come on. This is what I can sh**t, okay?

Uh...

"Hi, I'm Jackie Harris
from The Lunch Box.

Come on down for some heartwarming stew.

I don't know why we
call it 'The Lunch Box.'

We should call it 'The Hunch Box,'

'cause I've got a hunch you'll love it."

See, and I'm not even gonna charge
you anything for the writing.

I should charge you for
having to listen to that.

Hey, come on. This started as a favor.

I know, but you're at an advantage.

People need hardware.
They don't need stew.

I've got to move people into the place

and I've got to do it now!

All right. All right, all right.

- I'm... I'm... I'm about ready to...
- Listen...

Okay, just...

Do you have anything that's
just a little less grand?

Yes, of course.

Okay, now, it's Mount Ve-stew-vius,

and instead of lava
coming down, it's stew,

and people are running towards
it with bowls and spoons.

So, what do you think?

- Huh.
- [Laughs]

I think I can't see what you're seeing

until I take whatever you're taking.

♪

Look at all the character in this place.

Stained glass windows.

Pressed tin.

This is the original oak floor.

- This place is actually really nice.
- Mm-hmm.

It's a shame that the dead
people never get to see this.

Well, feel free to look around.

We still have some stuff to box up.

- [Cellphone rings]
- Oh.

Probably another offer.

W...

Mom, I'm working right now.

Well, if you want me to come over,

then make the fish sticks.

Wow, this place is way better
than anything I've seen.

Holy cow. This place has an elevator!

What's he still doing here?

Is this what happens
when the check bounces?

Oh, no! The door's closing by itself!

That's what elevators do.

So, what do you think so far?

I... probably would want to
make some small changes,

starting with the body in the elevator.

Okay, there's no body in there, okay?

That's where I'm storing my jazz albums.

Listen, let me save everyone
some time, okay?

No one's interested,

and I'm in over my head
at the other place,

so here's the deal.

No money down.

You take over the mortgage.

$ a month, and it's yours.

bucks?!

That is so cheap!

I wouldn't even have to pay rent, right?

Sure, but then you get the basement

with the rest of the stiffs.

Make up your mind.

The offer's only good until
the fire next Tuesday.

I... Oh, I got to pick up hamburgers.

My mom b*rned the fish sticks.

Would you lock up when
you finish? Thank you.

Oh, you put them in the oven.

You turn the oven on
high. How hard is that?

I do it all day long.

[Door closes]

Oh, this is a great idea.

This is where they let the kids play

so they don't have to
deal with the funeral.

Oh, wow. You had one of these.

Hey, look. I fit.

And my feet touch the floor.

Oh.

I don't think this is a playroom.

Then what is it?

"Look for Mommy in the Clouds."

"Daddy Will See You Later."

"We're Gone, But We Haven't
Stopped Loving You."

Oh, man.

This is the room where
they try to console kids

who are overwhelmed by grief.

We've been so creeped
out by all the body stuff

that we forgot about all
the grief and suffering

that families have felt in this house.

What's "Charlotte's Web" doing here?

Charlotte dies.

Charlotte dies?

Finish a book, Becky.

This is the book I'm
reading to Beverly Rose.

We have the drive home to come up
with a new ending to the story.

How about, "Charlotte is priced
out of the real estate market,

and she has to go live in her dad's web,

like the -legged loser that she is."

- That's great stew.
- You bet it is.

Why don't you come down
and see for yourself?

We'll be here. At The Lunch Box.

- Cut.
- No.

- What? That was perfect.
- No, I don't know.

I-I don't know. I don't know.

I-I feel a little stiff or something.

- Oh.
- I want to come across as warm

- and inviting.
- Okay. All right. No problem.

Let's try again.

- Okay.
- Ready?

Uh... yeah.

Action.

Mmm!

[Southern accent] I say, how's that
stew treating you, Sugar Lump?

[Southern accent] I do declare,
there's a hair in this here stew.

- [Normal voice] Okay.
- All right, cut.

- Guys, come on. What are we doing?
- Oh.

Uh, we're looking for a
little thing called "tone."

What you had was good. I am telling you,

- simple sells at the pump.
- Yeah.

But it's not good enough.

I mean, I'm k*lling myself
trying to increase sales,

and if we only have seconds
to grab an audience,

- then it has to be perfect, right?
- Yes, yes.

- All right.
- My God!

I want you to be happy with it,

- so here we go.
- Yeah.

Ready?

Um...

yeah.

Action.

- That's great stew.
- You bet your ass it is,

and if you're the hundredth person

that comes through that door
and says, "I want stew,"

you're getting a date with
this feisty young thing.

You're pimping me for stew?

It's advertising . Bait and switch.

Right? Come in for the hot girl,

you get the hot stew. What the...

All right, look. It's your decision,

but it is kind of feeling like
you've blurred the line

between diner food
and human trafficking.

Okay.

I don't need your moral
judgment. You don't get it.

I'm carrying this whole
thing on my back, all right?

We all don't get to coast through life

because Daddy handed us a business.

Hey, wait a second. I don't
know what your problem is.

- I am here to help you out.
- Then stop getting in my way.

Oh, well, you know what? That's
the first thing you've pitched

- that I can do.
- Oh, great.

That's just great.

I mean, am I crazy?!

You're always crazy,
but this is loco grande.

No, you don't understand.

Something's gonna break,

and it's either gonna
be me or this business.

No, I understand.

I mean, of everyone in the
family, you're my role model

for what you can accomplish

with the dignity of a hard day's work.

Well, thank you. All right, now...

get on the counter and dance.

Where the hell are you going?

Oh!

So what'd you guys think of the house?

Can I call the moving company?

Well, it's beautiful.

They kept the original Victorian
feel inside the house, too,

and Blansky offered Darlene the place

for $ a month, no money down.

But...

"But"? I'm not hearing the "but."

It's too sad.

That's a house with decades

of grief and sorrow baked into it.

Honey, people have d*ed
and people have mourned

in any house you're gonna buy.

You throw a coat of paint on
it, put your stuff in there,

I'm sure it'll feel
completely different.

All right, I didn't really
want to do this,

but I found a couple
places out in Rockford.

They seem nice, and
they're in my price range.

Rockford? That's over an hour away.

We're never gonna see you guys.

Yeah, I don't want to live
all the way out there.

You know, for a barnacle,
you have a lot of demands.

Dad, an hour is not that far away.

Chicago is only an hour away.

When you lived there,

I missed five years of
my grandkids' lives.

Don't make me feel guilty about moving.

I worked really hard to
get myself to a place

where I can buy a house.
I need to do this now.

Your life. Your decision.

- Mm.
- Mommy,

Louise read me the rest
of "Charlotte's Web"

while you were gone.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey.

I know it's sad that she d*ed.

She d*ed?

Not in the version that I read her.

I-In our version, she goes on
the road with her rock band.

Oh, right!

She dyed her hair purple,

because when you're in a band,
you have to have weird hair.

Okay.

I love this age!

Yeah, but they're not stupid forever.

♪

[Chuckles] St. Patrick's
Day was a week ago.

Why are you still dressed like that?

Oh, that pub a couple blocks away

is selling green hot dogs for a dollar.

All right, you ready to att*ck those
weenies, you big LepreConner?

- Jackie.
- Ben. We need to talk.

Boy, do I know that tone.

Robin, it's time for you
to fight the Joker alone.

So, Ben, I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have said
that about your dad.

That was way over the line,
'cause I know how hard you work.

Thank you, Jackie. Apology accepted.

- [Chuckles]
- What's going on with you?

Oh, just, here's the deal.

I never wanted anything so
bad as having The Lunch Box,

but first I was doing it with
Roseanne and then Becky,

and now I'm doing it all alone,
and it's hours a week,

and even when I'm not there,
I'm just always stressed about it.

Last week, in the middle of
me and Neville making love...

- Mm.
- ... I shouted, "Oh, God!

My lemon meringue is expired!"

I just want to raise the profits

so I can sell the place
and have my life back.

Well, hey, when I first
got the hardware store,

I was tearing my hair out. I hated it.

So how did you cope with it?

Well, I found shortcuts.

Do you have payroll software?

Do you have an inventory tracking
program on your computer?

- I don't think so.
- Yeah.

I guess I would know if I did, right?

Yeah. I learned everything
from Roseanne,

so I've got a big stack of napkins

with all my financial
stuff scribbled on it.

What I'm hearing is, you want
me to update that system.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're working way
harder than you have to,

and I can help you
set all that stuff up.

I might even be able to get you down
to a relaxing hours a week.

Oh, my God!

- That would be fantastic.
- Yeah.

'Cause I love The Lunch Box.
I got so many memories there.

You know, that's the family business,

and where would I get money, anyway,

if I wanted to start a new business?

My mom's getting old, and
I'm running out of time

- to swindle her again.
- Ha ha.

Mm.

Any time you feel like
it's all too much,

you just give me a call, day or night.

Really? Day or night?

Mm...

Let's say day or...

later in the day.

♪

Sorry we're late.
Traffic was a nightmare.

So are you girls moving to Rockford?

Maybe. The house was built in the ' s,

so it's got that cottage cheese ceiling,

but that goes perfectly with
the gigantic vanity mirror bulbs

in the bathroom, which, by the way,

really light up that
avocado-colored toilet.

But it's cheap, so I love it.

You know, I've been thinking.

There might be another
way to tackle this.

You're not gonna get another opportunity

like that funeral home.

The only thing you don't
like about that house

is the house.

Right.

Well, when you're buying a house,

the house is the important
part of the house.

What if you guys tore
down the death palace

and then your father
built you a new place

on the same property?

Who? What?

You know, Darlene was gonna
get a loan to buy a house,

but now with Blansky's offer,

you could spend that money
on construction materials

that you could use to build a new house.

I'm sorry, you said "you."

Were you talking to a much
younger man behind me?

Are you too feeble to build
a house anymore, old man?

Oh, you are a dangerous rapscallion.

Of course I can build a house.

Can you really?

'Cause if you die in a room
while you're building it,

we're back to square one.

I can build it.

Oh, my God. I'm getting
a brand-new house!

Thank you!

- Oh, this is amazing!
- Oh.

And thank you!

I know how much you want
our dad all to yourself,

and after you get that, please
remember you asked for it.

Let's go call Blansky before
he breaks out the gasoline

and oily rags.

- Oh, you're awful good to me.
- Oh.

Someday you're gonna have to tell me

what you're getting out of it.

Mm.

Well, when I figure it
out, I'll let you know.

And don't worry.

I'll... I'll help you out
with the house.

Oh, it'll be so nice. I can see it now.

You up on a ladder with your
cutoff shorts and tool belt.

Me looking lovingly up at you,

trapped under a piece of drywall,

clutching my chest from
a massive heart att*ck.

It'll be great.

♪

She's gonna blow!

It's Mount Ve-stew-vius.

Everybody grab a spoon and a bowl

and dig into a hearty
meal at a great price!

♪

Wait.

♪

Or nowadays, you can just come
on down to The Lunch Box,

where happy hour stew deals are erupting

between : and : every day!

♪