[♪♪♪]
WOMAN:
Daily Sentinel.
One minute, please.
MAN [OVER PHONE]: The mayor doesn't
want the article to go to print
until after the next quarter.
Tell the mayor I'm insulted.
I would never jeopardize the
journalistic integrity of this newspaper
for some rent-a-mayor's
political agenda.
Very well, Mr....
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
So, Britt.
Here we are again.
Sent home after another
schoolyard fight.
I know you miss your mother.
So do l.
But I have to take care
of 750 employees
and you have to
take care of yourself.
Still, that seems to be
asking too much.
I was trying to stop
some bullies
and the guy hit me.
Trying doesn't matter
when you always fail.
No! No!
Do you think it makes
me happy to do this?
Yes!
No, it doesn't.
But not a week goes by without
you finding yourself in trouble.
If you're doing this
for attention,
you have all that I can
afford to give you.
And you're wasting my time.
[***]
Frank!
No, no. Not you.
MAN:
Have a seat.
Either one. They're
both very comfortable.
So, what can I do for you?
CHUDNOFSKY:
As you know,
I've worked my entire life,
very hard, to achieve one goal.
Uh-huh.
And that goal,
which l have,
in fact, achieved,
was to be in charge of all the crime
in the city of Los Angeles.
Therefore,
the fact that you assume
that you can
open this establishment
without my permission,
without payment, and sell narcotics out
of it, is completely unacceptable.
Really?
And, to be honest,
quite insulting.
Therefore, you must
sign over ownership
of this establishment to me,
at which time,
you become my employees.
We're your employees?
Yeah.
Or close down permanently.
Choice is yours.
Okay. How do l
pronounce your name?
Tchaikovsky?
Chudnofsky.
Char... Chudofsk...
Chowdofsky?
Chud-nof-sky.
Chudnofsky?
All right.
Chudnofsky, kiss my ass.
[***]
Put your lips to my ass
and kiss it.
French kiss it.
Tickle it with your
gray whiskers.
I got bittersweet news for you.
You're washed-up.
You're old. You're boring.
You're not scary.
You dress like sh*t.
It's over for you, okay?
That's the bitter news.
Now the sweet news is:
You can retire.
You can go play golf,
eat your dinners at 3:00
in the afternoon,
play with your grandkids,
drink Metamucil, old people sh*t.
Okay? Look at me.
I got a name people can say.
My name's Danny Clear.
I deal crystal meth.
People call me Crystal Clear.
It's easy.
Check out my kick-ass
hangout here.
I got shitloads of glass
everywhere.
I got a see-through piano.
Look at my boys.
They're pimped out.
We got Gucci,
Armani,
another Gucci,
tailor-made.
This is what you need
to get to the top today.
Not hard work.
Not dressing like
Disco Santa Claus.
You need charisma.
You look like my Uncle Greg.
A very nice guy, but,
you know, he's a dentist.
Now consider this
your retirement letter.
Boom. It's over.
See your way out.
What, you truly
don't think I'm scary?
[CHUCKLES]
CLEAR:
No.
Okay, okay, you're scary.
sh*t, you're scary.
You just said I'm not.
No, no, you are. You are.
What's a "Disco Santa"?
"A Disco Sa... "?
I don't know.
Sorry.
It was just something stupid.
You said I'm boring.
My g*n has two barrels.
That's not boring.
And it was very
difficult to make.
Answer me!
What?
What could l do
to be more scary?
A better name?
Cooler name?
More color or something.
Uh... Um...
Maybe you could say
something to people
before you k*ll them.
But not now.
It's hard to think with this
double-barrel in my face.
Sorry.
You've given me
a lot to think about.
You're not gonna k*ll me?
Oh, l get it.
You keep me alive
so l can spread your legend.
Okay, l'll do that, man.
I'll spread your legend.
Hey, you forgot your briefcase.
[DETONATOR BEEPS]
[THE ROLLING STONES'
"LIVE WITH ME" PLAYlNG]
MAN:
Let's get this party crazy!
[PEOPLE CHEERING]
[YELLS]
[CROWD CHANTING]
[YELLING]
BRlTT:
Behold, my lady.
[SNIFFS]
Mmm.
That's the good stuff.
Oh, man.
Good morning, uh...
Ana Lee.
Ana Lee.
That's what l meant.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, sh*t.
Son. This what you want
from your life?
This, uh...
This gives you
a sense of fulfillment?
Dad, I told you,
tomorrow l'm enrolling
in ITT Technical lnstitute
and l'm gonna fix computers
for a living, so...
Ow!
I spend
all night writing an editorial
about the nausea this town
has come to inspire.
About the corruption,
the v*olence and the decadence
that we've come to expect
as part of our daily life.
Then I have to turn the page
and see my own
son's contribution
to this mayhem.
ANA LEE:
Sweet! I'm in the paper?
JAMES:
Now, you may think you're
humiliating me,
but you're humiliating
yourself.
Sorry. lf you don't like it,
just ask them not to print it.
It's your newspaper.
I can't, because,
unfortunately, it's news.
That's a good point.
I kept myself out of
the papers for years.
Now do me a favor
and do the same.
And l told you,
stop taking girls
into my garage.
You do it again,
I'll change the lock.
ANA LEE: Okay, but can
you sign this for me?
BRlTT:
Yeah.
"Never stop the partay."
[***]
[INSECTS BUZZlNG]
[DIGlTAL UNDERGROUND'S "THE HUMPTY
DANCE" PLAYlNG ON CAR STEREO]
Look at these.
My shoe.
Hello? Hello?
Hello?
I'm very uncomfortable.
[***]
GIRL:
Who is it?
BRlTT:
Whoa! Paparazzi in the house.
Change the channel.
I think we may have our
first visual on Britt Reid.
Go, go, go! Go! Get in there!
It's for me. Hello?
Get in there!
Get in there!
Get the sh*t! Get it!
And how are you coping
with your father's death?
REPORTER 1:
Give us some insight!
MAN [ON TV]:
If you're just joining us,
James Reid has been
found dead from
an allergic reaction
to a bee sting,
leaving his son
his media empire.
REPORTER 2: How are you coping
with your father's death?
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[JOHNNY CASH'S
"I HUNG MY HEAD" PLAYING]
MAN 1: It was during my
election campaign
for district attorney
that I first met James Reid.
And it was immediately clear
to me that he was a man of
infallible integrity.
He dedicated himself to this city
through his philanthropic endeavors
and his newspaper,
The Daily Sentinel,
a shining beacon of truth.
He was our North Star.
He showed us the way.
Thank you, James.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
MAN 2:
Britt, your father was truly
a great man.
When I started campaigning,
he gave me some...
The best businessman
I've ever known.
He always came out on top.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SCANLON:
Britt?
Britt.
Hey. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to say
that my father
was a federal court judge,
so l think l know how it feels.
When he passed away, I had
some pretty big shoes to fill.
Just like you.
So if you ever need
somebody to talk to...
I mean, if you ever just want to grab
a drink, you want to get cheered up,
I'm around.
Okay, thanks, man.
I really appreciate...
Lock it up.
Yeah. Okay.
Keep it tight.
Cool.
[***]
This is your newspaper,
but the burden doesn't
have to fall on you alone.
I've been your father's
most trusted colleague
for the past 45 years.
I'm gonna make sure
The Daily Sentinel
stays on a path that
would make him proud.
So, what do you think
of all this?
I don't think anything, man.
I don't know a thing
about this newspaper.
I've never even read
a full edition of it.
You can do whatever
the hell you want with it.
I'm not the guy to
run The Sentinel.
Hm.
[***]
JAMES: Trying doesn't matter
when you always fail.
Huh.
Where's my leaf?
[GAGS]
[***]
Stupid bush.
[MUTTERING]
Hello!
Who makes my coffee?!
Will someone explain to me why,
on the worst day of my life,
my coffee tastes like sh*t?!
Your coffee is normally
made by Kato.
Who the hell is that?
He works on your father's cars
and makes his coffee.
You fired him and everyone who
works for your father yesterday.
I want Kato here now!
You're Kato?
I thought your name was Henry.
I thought the pool guy was Kato.
I'm Kato.
I'm sorry to hear about
your father.
He was a complex man.
Yeah.
I have two questions for you,
Kato. Then you can go home.
Why is it that my dad's
mechanic makes the coffee?
And why is it that without you,
the coffee tastes
like crap?
I think it's easier
if l show you.
Holy cow.
Where did you get that thing?
I made it.
Watch this.
You made that?
[***]
[SNIFFS]
Mmm.
Sit with me, Kato.
Tell me your tale.
I was born in Shanghai.
You know Shanghai?
Love Japan.
My parents d*ed when l was 4,
and until l was 1 2
I lived in an orphanage.
I'm sorry. My mom d*ed
when l was young too.
What happened after that?
Then me and a few
friends ran away.
Lived on the street.
How'd you start
working for my dad?
I work in a garage.
And one day your father
came in with a '65 Chrysler.
I know the car well.
He was so happy with my work
that he offered me a job.
I said yes.
The coffee.
How'd that come about?
He used to always say:
[IMITATES JAMES] "No one could ever
make me a good cup of coffee."
Good impression.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] So l built
him the coffee machine.
Well, you make one
damn fine cup of coffee, sir.
Wanna see something cool?
Yeah.
[YELLS]
[***]
Not bad, man.
You did that?
Yep.
Industrial polycarbonate.
What the hell is industrial
polycarbonate?
KATO:
It's the stuff
they use to make shark tanks.
BRlTT:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
Put that away. Are you crazy?
Come on.
Don't be a p*ssy.
Okay.
What are you gonna do?
Whoa.
Dude.
That was awesome. What is that stuff?
How does that wo...?
Whoa, what are you
gonna do now?
And...
Whoa!
That is some
Ben-Hurshit, dude.
Yeah.
Your dad made me do this kind of
stuff over the last few years.
[WHlSTLES]
BRlTT:
That is the balls.
Old man was getting
paranoid, huh?
KATO:
You like that?
Yeah.
Check this out.
Wow.
You drew all these?
This is awesome.
Kato, you are
a really good drawer.
This is really impressive.
Thanks. That's the stuff
I would really like to do.
BRlTT:
Holy...!
Kato, are you a pervert?
I wish I could draw
stuff that sexy.
Beer?
Yeah, l'd love
a beer. Sure.
Thank you.
[***]
Hey, Kato?
What did you think
of my father?
He was fine.
Come on. Just tell me.
He was my boss.
Nobody loves their boss.
Don't sugarcoat this.
You're not going to offend me.
Just tell me, man to man.
He was a bit of a d*ck.
Yep.
BRlTT:
Wha...?
You are...
Look at that.
I am genius.
You are a genius.
Yeah.
You're a mad genius.
I like classical music.
BRlTT: You're a genius who likes classical music.
You know what you are?
A human Swiss Army Kn*fe.
What's that mean?
It's a little thing, you keep
pulling out things.
When you think
there couldn't be any more,
a new cool thing comes out.
That's you.
You even dress like one.
Just need a little plus
on your chest.
Let's drink more.
Yeah, let's drink.
[BOTH SPEAK lN MANDARIN]
KATO:
Yeah.
[KATO SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]
BRlTT:
You're speaking Chinese.
KATO:
Oh, sh*t. Sorry.
I spent three weeks making a new
bumper for his Rolls-Royce.
And the day after l finished,
he crashed it.
He actually said it was my fault.
He screamed at me.
That sounds like him.
Listen to this, here's another
story of the 1 0 million l have.
I'm young, there's a...
Guys are picking on a girl
in school, I try to stop it.
I get in trouble.
What does my dad do?
He takes my favorite toy, and he rips the
head off of it! Right in front of me.
He throws it in the garbage.
I was trying to help!
That's all l was trying to do!
You know, it's unbelievable.
He's an ass his entire life and then,
you know, they build him a statue.
I just don't think...
People are gonna look at it
and think he's great but he's not.
It's totally unfair.
There's no justice.
[BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY NO. 3 IN E FLAT
MAJOR 'EROICA' OP. 55" PLAYlNG ON RECORD]
Well, Kato?
What do you say we get ourselves
some g*dd*mn justice, huh?
You serious?
I'm totally serious.
Let's do something crazy, man.
Let's do something nuts!
Let's just do it.
Yeah!
[HUMMlNG]
Let's roll, Kato.
[THE WHlTE STRlPES'
"RED DEATH AT 6:14" PLAYING]
[IMITATES JAMES] Do you think it
makes me happy to do this, Dad?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come here.
[WOMAN LAUGHING]
BRlTT:
Whoop!
I know what you mean.
[***]
Oh, this looks ominous.
MAN 1:
Where you going, man?
[ALL CHATTERING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
[WOMAN GASPS]
Oh, sh*t. Oh, no.
[SCREAMlNG]
What do I do? What do l do?
Oh, God.
Hey! Leave them alone!
Let's get him!
Oh, sh*t!
I made a mistake!
sh*t.
Guys, seriously!
That's messed up!
Seriously!
No! Aah!
Okay. Okay. No.
I'm gonna give him
a root canal.
Just cut him.
BRlTT:
Get off, man! That's enough!
Open wi...
You're a dead man!
MAN 2: Come on, let's go!
KATO:
Britt! Behind you!
Eat sh*t!
Kato, wait up!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Wait! Wait for me!
Wait! Wait!
[SIRENS WAlLlNG]
Go, go, go.
I'm in! I'm in! l'm in!
Oh, God! That was crazy!
I can't believe that!
Holy sh*t!
Oh, my God, Kato.
sh*t. Pigs.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Are you a good driver?
You kidding me?
When I was a kid,
me and some friends...
BRlTT:
Kato, not now. Just drive.
KATO:
Okay, okay.
Just act cool.
What do I do?
Just act casual.
Pull it over! Now!
What are you doing?
I'm trying to lose him.
I don't know!
Man, now we're in a car chase!
Here he comes!
Show me your hands!
He's trying to k*ll us!
Do the Ben-Hurshit!
The Ben-Hurshit!
OFFlCER:
Oh, no.
Aw. Damn it.
Kato...
I think this is the greatest
moment of my entire life.
I know. Mine too.
[SAM COOKE'S "TWISTING
THE NIGHT AWAY" PLAYING]
Yeah! We rule!
That was amazing!
[YELLING AND GRUNTING]
We are awesome!
That was crazy!
How do you do that, dude? You
b*at the crap out of those guys!
Where l grew up,
it was very dangerous.
I got in a lot of fights
when l was a kid.
But you knew where people
were without looking.
You were so fast.
When my heart starts pumping,
it's almost like time slows down.
It's unbelievable
how cool we are!
Do you hear me, Dad?
We did it!
That was amazing!
Kato, I'm serious.
I'm gonna get real with you,
so just go with this.
It might get weird
and intimate,
but just accept me, okay?
What we did tonight was
fantastic. lt was amazing.
We saved those people, man.
We saved their lives!
So here's what I'm saying.
We keep doing this.
You can b*at the crap
out of a million dudes
because you freeze time
when your heart starts pumping.
We do that every night,
I'm saying!
Kato? Kato?
[***]
♪ We could be heroes ♪ ♪
Hey, hey, hey.
Look, look.
Oh! We're on
television!
We're on TV.
Look at me!
Where am I?
I don't know.
I'm too fast for TV.
Yes, exactly.
MAN 1 [ON TV]:
...Desecrated. And this within days...
We saved those people and they
just talk about that stupid head.
How can we be heroes
if they think we're criminals?
The suspects are considered
armed and dangerous.
MAN 2: I am coming to you live
from Elysian Fields Cemetery...
[***]
Okay.
Think about this, Kato.
What is the one insanely stupid thing
every superhero has in common?
Tights?
No.
Cape?
No, Kato.
It's that everyone knows that they're
the good guy, the hero, you know?
All the bad guy has to do is
start capping innocent people
and he's got the good guy
by the nuts.
It's in every movie,
it's in every comic book.
It's in everything.
It's so stupid.
But if the bad guy
thought the good guy was also a bad
guy, he wouldn't be able to do that.
That's what we'll do differently.
We will
pose as villains,
but we'll act like heroes.
But then the police and the
bad guys will both try to k*ll us.
We're dead already, Kato.
I mean, seriously, look at us.
We've both been completely
wasting our potential.
You a little bit more than me.
What do you want your
autobiography to be called?
Oil Changes and Cappuccinos?
Because I think Balls Deep
in sh*t-Kicking Dudes by Kato
is a much cooler-sounding book.
I would read that book,
and l don't read sh*t.
But when they adapted it into a movie,
I would see the sh*t out of it.
Kato, you should never make
coffee for anyone again.
It's a waste of your talent.
It's not dying that
you need to be afraid of.
It's never having lived
in the first place.
It did feel good
saving those people.
Well, technically, I saved them,
but you helped.
Whatever.
Let's not get technical.
But why would people
take us serious? We're just
two guys who stole a head.
Hm?
I know how to make them
take us seriously.
[***]
All right, gentlemen. Hear ye, hear ye.
Court is in session.
Let's talk shop, okay?
Shall we?
Who's this guy?
Who's your friend?
He's my man.
I'm not your man.
He's not my man.
No. He's not my man.
He's like, you know, he's like
"my man." He's my, uh...
Not... We're plato... It's plato...
We're platonic friends.
Platonic male friends.
He's my
executive associate.
Yes. That's who he is,
and that doesn't matter.
What does matter
is how we tackle
this horrible incident.
Whoever did this means business,
and this is just the beginning.
What are you talking about?
You mean the vandalizing business?
Ah, I get it.
Listen, let's not blow this thing
out of proportion.
I will blow this guy
in any proportion I like.
This is my
newspaper, Axford, and I want
this man on the front page of it.
I want him on the webpage.
I want you to blog about him.
I want him on every
news outlet we have.
I want the whole city to know
how dangerous this man is.
The man that cut the head off
of my father's statue.
Not yours.
MAN 1:
All right.
Since there isn't any real info
on the guy's identity,
um, what do we call him?
[***]
That's easy.
I got it.
This man is called
the Green Bee.
Mm.
It's kind of lame.
MAN 2:
It sounds like a knitting store.
It sounds like an energy bar.
No, that came out wrong. That's not what l meant.
I didn't mean that!
I like the Decapitator.
Well, then make it like
the Green Desecrater.
What's the guy
that drives the horse?
WOMAN:
Or Green Trenchcoat Guy.
The Green Hornet.
No. It's more like...
MAN 2: What?
MAN 1: What did...?
The Green Hornet.
That's pretty awesome.
Much better.
You guys like that?
MAN 1: Yeah, your man's right.
Green Hornet it is.
WOMAN: Looks good too.
MAN 2: The Green Hornet. Yeah.
Okay. Okay. Fine. Fine.
It's decided, then.
The front page of
tomorrow's newspaper
will feature the Green Hornet.
Unless you like Green Bee better?
Anyone? No one?
Oh, that's much worse.
WOMAN: Definitely Hornet.
Okay, fine.
Let's roll, Kato.
WOMAN:
So Green Hornet des...
Oh, no, not "desecrates."
How about decapitates?
It's gonna be a long night.
[***]
I am.
Shh.
We need to think of
a cool name for you.
The Lil' Stinger!
I'm the Green Hornet,
you're Lil' Stinger!
No way.
The Honey Pot.
Get it? Like, bees make honey?
You're my Honey Pot.
CHUDNOFSKY:
What's going on?
Decapitated statues.
I decapitated real people.
No, no. I wouldn't
worry about it.
He won't affect business.
I'm not worried.
Who told you l'm worried?
REPORTER:
DA Scanlon!
With the nightclub bombing,
and now this Green Hornet guy,
some say the streets might
not be as safe as you say.
Look, guys,
stop connecting separate
thoughts with invisible lines.
This Green Hornet thing
is just a prank.
[ON TV] What you guys should
report is that since I took office
crime is down significantly
in the city of Los Angeles.
Thank you.
[***]
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Lenore Case.
I'm the temp for Mr. Reid's
secretarial position.
Today's my first day.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Kato.
It's my first day too.
Really? Well, nice to meet you.
Do you work for Mr. Reid?
I'm his executive associate.
Wow. That must be great.
Yeah, it is. So far.
I have a really
important question.
Who is the hottie-boom-bottie
who's standing right
behind me right now?
I'm kidding. Hi, I'm Britt Reid.
I own this newspaper.
What's going on?
It's such a pleasure. l'm Lenore Case.
I've been sent to be your temp
until you find a new secretary.
Ah.
Jackpot.
Right this way.
So...
got one.
Why don't you tell me:
How do you feel about
the state of this
newspaper
as it stands today.
Go.
To be honest,
this paper has taken a dip
in the last few years
in quality and ambition.
Really?
LENORE:
Well, the entire industry has
because of the lnternet.
So there's a lot of pressure
to print easy-to-digest articles.
And it's the last
family-owned paper in the city,
one of the only not attached
to a conglomerate,
so it's understandable.
BRlTT:
Conglomerate?
The Sentinel used to really
use its independence
to be brazen,
at the very least.
Like that article your father
wrote just after the bombing?
That was reporting. That is the kind
of article that can make a difference.
Wow.
That was good. You know
a lot about this sh*t, huh?
I studied journalism.
I have a minor in criminology.
Really?
Yeah.
Criminology.
The study of the criminal mind.
What are your thoughts
on this Green Hornet
character? Go.
LENORE:
Um...
Well, first, there's
two kinds of criminals.
There's the psycho egomaniac
and the power maniac.
He seems to be the second.
English.
LENORE: He defied authority...
What will he do next?
BRlTT:
Yeah.
What is his next move,
is what I was gonna ask.
[MOUTHS] Write this down.
LENORE:
Well, he'll probably try to
appropriate more power.
He'll hit somebody
on their own turf.
Basically, he'll start out small, and
then he'll work his way up to the top.
I mean, that's what John Gotti did
to Paul Castellano in '85.
And it worked?
LENORE: Yes.
Wow. Look at you!
You really know a lot
about this stuff.
And you're lovely
and beautiful and...
I'm just sitting here thinking, "Why are
you only pursuing this in your...?"
Kato, help me out here.
Twilight?
"Twilight"?
Yeah.
I saw the movie,
but I don't see how this is...
Oh, no, no, no. Not like that.
No. Not like the movie.
I guess if we're doing movies,
it would be more like Cocoon
or something like that.
Yeah. Later
in one's years.
What are you...?
I'm only 36.
You're 36?
Holy sh*t. That's crazy.
Thought you were,
like, 31, tops.
I don't even know if we
can hire a 36-year-old.
We have to build a ramp.
Huh?
Why now?
She doesn't wanna tell you.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
LENORE:
Mr. Kato is right.
I do not feel comfortable.
And if this means l am not going to be
your temp any longer, I'm sorry. lt's...
That's exactly what it means.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Because you are now
my permanent secretary!
Here is what has
gone down, Lenore.
You've displayed two things.
Balls.
And if there's one thing
I like on my women,
it's balls.
Be my permanent secretary.
Are you kidding me?
I'm not kidding.
This is how l do.
This is how l roll,
every day, all day.
I make it rain like this, okay?
Come work for me.
Just say yes. Don't think.
Really?
I'll do it. Yes!
Thank you. Yes!
This is so exciting.
It is exciting.
Thank you so much.
Don't thank him.
Thank you.
Yes.
I will not disappoint you.
I don't think you will.
I will do in-depth research,
fact checking, spell checking.
Anything that you need.
Why don't you get started on more
Green Hornet research? Perfect.
Bam. She is hot.
It's crazy how hot
she is. lt's sickening.
Did you write down everything?
Let me see!
Pervert.
Let's get to work, Kato.
BRlTT: All right, we got a plan.
Start small,
work our way up to the top.
Okay.
We'll need a car.
Yes, we'll need a car.
With some weapons.
Mmm.
And armor.
Cool rims. Spinning rims.
Slurpee machine.
A horn that plays
"La Cucaracha."
Loaded up the ass
with cool sh*t!
I can do that.
Kato, I want you
to take my hand
and come with me
on this adventure.
I'll go with you,
but I don't wanna touch you.
Don't take my hand, but will you
come with me on this adventure?
[THE WHlTE STRlPES'
"BLUE ORCHlD" PLAYlNG]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
No.
[IMITATES g*nsh*t]
I'll pick this one.
All right. This one.
Tell me
what's going down, girl.
Hey, Kato!
Come closer.
I had an idea for the car.
Ejector seats.
Ejector seats?
You don't think
it's a good idea?
BOTH:
Hi.
I'm so excited right now.
I can't wait!
Oh, man. What the hell?
Watch your feet.
I call it the Black Beauty.
Kato!
It's beautiful!
[***]
And it's black.
Wow!
Incredible.
[ENGINE REVS]
Dude, we're forgetting
something important.
Watch this.
That is so wicked.
[COOLlO'S "GANGSTA'S PARADISE"
PLAYlNG ON RECORD]
[SINGING "GANGSTA'S PARADlSE"]
[SINGING]
Whoo!
[MUSlC STOPS]
Where we going?
I have no idea.
I thought you knew.
Oh, okay, l got an idea. Okay.
[PHONE RINGS]
Mr. Reid's office.
BRlTT [lN DEEP VOICE]:
I'm looking at you.
What?
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm totally joking.
Britt Reid calling.
Burning the candle
at both ends, l see.
Wouldn't Mr. Case
be upset with that?
There is no Mr. Case?
Well, that's not
why l'm calling.
Remember we asked you to do
all that Green Hornet research?
Predicting what
he might do next?
If you could send us that?
Those crime maps.
Oh, yeah.
That'd be helpful. Fax it over.
Hold on a second.
Let me see.
It's coming right at you.
Great.
So, what you doing? Just...?
If you need anything else,
let me know.
I'll talk to you soon.
Uh-huh. Bye-bye.
She wants me so bad,
it's crazy.
Uh-huh.
Here we go.
South Central.
Yeah. Okay. We got
14 homicides,
34 assaults,
1 1 6 drug arrests.
This month.
A good place for the Green
Hornet to make his debut.
Let's roll, Kato.
Let's roll.
BRlTT:
This is really far east.
I've never been
to this part of town.
[***]
I think we're in the 'hood, Kato.
Britt, Britt!
Do you think
we start with them?
BRlTT:
Yeah. Just like Lenore said.
Start small, work our way up.
This is really, really intense.
KATO: You don't want to do it?
BRlTT: l do.
Let's do it before
we chicken out, okay?
I won't chicken out.
Who knows who might?
Just pull up to them.
I don't want to talk.
Well, l don't want to talk either.
So get in the back!
KATO: I barely speak English.
BRlTT: You're speaking English now!
Okay, fine!
Oh, this is so stupid.
Okay.
KATO: Calm down.
BRlTT: l am calm. This is scary.
KATO: Shut up.
BRlTT: You shut up. Just let me talk.
KATO: Be cool, be cool.
BRlTT: l am cool. Shut up.
MAN: Yo, you looking
for that good stuff, man?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
I am the Green Hornet.
And l would like to sit
down with your boss.
Sit on this, bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Aah!
Oh, God!
My arm!
[***]
BRlTT: Bean bags! Kato, hit
them with the bean bags!
[ALL GRUNTING]
Yeah! Yeah!
Let me show you how it's done!
Green
Hornet
says hello!
[BRITT GASPS]
Eat my foot,
bitch!
My nuts!
What the hell was that?
Who do you work fo...?
Oh, God. Gross.
Who do you work for?
sh*t. Hey! You!
Come here! Come here!
Hey! Who do you work for?
Chudnofsky.
Guy everybody works for.
BRlTT:
Chov-what-sky?
Chudnofsky.
What kind of a
dumb name is that?
Where do you get
the sh*t you sell?
I won't tell you.
Oh, really? Never?
MAN:
Chudnofsky's on our ass, guys.
We gotta get this
shipment done.
You've just been stung!
Yeah!
You!
This is my town now!
My name is the Green Hornet.
Cool, man.
Nice to meet you.
Cool. How's it going?
Anyway, tell your boss
the Green Hornet
sends his regards.
Dude.
You broke my lab, man.
BRlTT:
Yeah.
I'm sorry about that.
Let's burn this
mother down, Kato.
[***]
Explain yourself, Mr. Tupper.
The guy was crazy, man. I mean,
he drove a car through a wall.
The thing looked
like a half-t*nk.
There was fire
coming out of the thing.
And?
Oh, yeah, he gave me this.
He said that
this is his town now.
A man comes in in an insect
costume and you sh*t your pants?
Look, trust me!
A grown man wearing a mask
is a little bit scarier
than a guy wearing a suit.
You're not pleased with my suit?
Does it fail to fill you with fear?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean
any disrespect.
Do you have any idea how many great
people have k*lled in a suit?!
I like your suit.
Me too.
This is exactly
what I was talking about.
I'm not as scary as some idiot
in a green mask. Come on!
You said it won't
affect business.
Now, this guy ran six
of the biggest meth labs in L.A.
Now because of that Hornet,
he's dead.
Business affected.
I've got reports of the Green
Hornet sh**ting out a camera...
I had a report that
an elderly couple claims
he gave the finger
from the HOV Lane.
That saw the Green Hornet
and his chauffeur in a fistfight
with g*ng members
in South Central.
The Green Hornet raises questions.
We all know that
g*ng proliferation
has been rising.
Okay, that'll be homework.
I got a yoga class.
Don't worry. Anyhoo, bottom
line: Headlines, people.
Get this story out there.
Will the v*olence continue
to spill out onto the street?
What are the police
doing about it?
Is anyone safe
at the mercy of,
dot, dot, dot,
the Green Hornet?
And l want those dots.
I want dots in the paper, okay?
Want us to handle
this delicately?
No.
But DA Scanlon's re-election platform
is based on cleaning up the streets.
You guys are acquaintances.
So if you want us to...
That's a great idea.
You should use that.
Write an article about that!
"Even DA Scanlon is quivering
at the feet of this scourge."
Use the word "scourge."
Write an article about that.
Britt.
Can I talk to you?
Yeah, yeah.
I know what you're trying to do, turn
this newspaper into a discotheque.
But it's not gonna work.
That's not what l'm doing.
She's a brainy broad.
This is a serious matter, okay?
Every line we print,
there's repercussions.
Somebody has to take
responsibility. That's me.
Well, l'm not afraid of these
bastards and you shouldn't be either.
Neither was Daniel.
He made it to the wall.
They k*lled him for wantonly
speculating on the drug w*r.
That's exactly what you and
your little girlfriend are doing.
I know you think my
experience ain't worth sh*t,
but your father listened to me.
So should you.
This is the story l want to run.
I'm going with it, and if he
were still with us, it's what
Daniel Vertell...
Vertellah?
Vertellot? Vertolibe?
Vertalot. lt's what he
would've wanted too. Okay?
That's the story, team.
Run it!
Britt Reid outro.
[VAN HALEN'S "FEEL YOUR
LOVE TONIGHT" PLAYING]
Bzz. Bzz.
"Scourge"?
[GLASS BREAKS]
tail on this Hornet guy!
[SIRENS WAlLlNG]
Yeah!
Red light. Stop!
sh*t, the camera got us.
[TlRES SCREECH]
What camera?
The Green Hornet
and his masked accomplice
stirred up trouble in
the southland today.
v*olence has erupted downtown...
[WHlSTLlNG]
Kato? Breakfast in the house.
Yes.
I just checked the Hornet mail.
Nothing new,
but they'll be a-knocking.
Sounds great.
Yeah.
I have something for you.
Really? Awesome.
"Dear Britt, you are
my shon-di."
What's shon-di?
Brother.
That's awfully nice.
[IMITATES expl*si*n]
I've never had a brother, man.
I always wanted one.
[HUMS FANFARE]
Whoa!
What the hell is this?
It's a gas g*n.
Your Hornet g*n!
A gas g*n?
Yeah.
Why not a "g*n" g*n?
Our enemies have "g*n" g*ns.
What? I don't understand.
What are these?
What is this? What are these?
Are these paint balls?
No. Inside is
knockout gas.
That's insane.
Where's yours?
Do you have one?
Do you have a black version of it?
No, just you.
No?
No.
Well, why not?
Why just me?
You are so special.
I know, but how come
I'm the only one with a g*n?
You don't have
much fighting experience,
so l thought you needed a g*n.
Well, l'll be honest,
that's a little insulting, man.
We were both badasses
the other night.
I kicked that guy in the face
like three times. ln the face.
Yeah, yeah, I remember.
Yeah.
It makes you look cool.
I need to look cool now?
What the hell?
You said my outfit was pimp.
I thought, "That's a weird word."
But you said it was pimp.
It is pimp.
Yeah.
The Hornet g*n
is just an accessory.
An accessory?
Yeah.
Well, then you need
nunchucks, then.
If you don't like it, don't use it.
How does it work?
sh*t!
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay. lt works.
[RESPIRATOR WHIRRING
AND MONlTOR BEEPING]
What the hell?
Kato!
I'm here!
Hey, you're awake.
What the hell?
What happened to me?
What's happening?
What happened?
You sh*t yourself in
the face by mistake.
How long was I out?
What time is it?
Two o'clock.
Oh, that's not so bad, l guess.
On Thursday.
It's Thursday? Are you ki...?
It's not Monday right now?
No. I'm sorry.
Did you put this diaper on me?
Well, what did l miss?
Nothing really.
I did some work on
the Black Beauties.
BRlTT:
"Beauties"?
Holy crap.
KATO:
Backups.
BRlTT: How the hell did
you do this in four days?
It's been 1 1 days.
Whoa, 1 1 days? What?!
Are you kidding me?
I wasn't sleeping,
I was in a coma, d*ck!
But it's okay now,
I fixed the Hornet gas.
The gas only lasts one hour.
Can I see it?
Okay, but be careful
this time. Okay?
I just want to look at it. Just
give it to me for one second...
See you in an hour.
Mr. Reid!
Hey.
Welcome back. I'm so glad
you're feeling better.
I heard that mono
was the worst.
Mono?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, well, it's better
than herpes, right?
Here are your messages.
I have some meetings
I'd like to set up with you.
Cool.
Knock that off.
Here is the research
that you asked for
before you got sick.
Green Hornet!
Me likey!
DA Scanlon called, he said that
he really needs to speak to you.
Boring!
I need to go look
at this stuff.
I read the article you sent me.
LENORE:
What are you doing tonight?
Nothing.
No?
Nothing at all.
Thought maybe we could go get dinner
or get a drink, blow off some steam.
Yeah. l would love to.
What time?
LENORE:
I was thinking 7?
We could meet downstairs.
Seven.
Perfect. I'll be there.
Okay.
Oh! That was awesome!
BRlTT:
Hey, Kato!
Can you make me some coffee?
You don't have your whole
little operation set up,
but whatever you whip up
would be great.
Lenore,
have you had this
little bastard's coffee?
Because it is
scrump-diddly-umptious.
You want a cup?
I'm fine, thank you.
So that's just one
cup of coffee, Kato.
So there's this restaurant that just
opened in the San Fernando Valley,
and it's called
La Maison des la Voide.
The whole thing is you eat
your meal in total darkness.
So with deprived sight,
each bite is like an
orgasm in your mouth.
[PHONE RINGS]
And l was thinking
maybe it would be
Mr. Reid's office.
Fun if...
This is DA Scanlon calling
for Britt Reid, please.
Hello, sir. l'm aware
you've been calling.
No, he's had mono.
Let me look. Maybe there's a chance
we could work that out today.
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
If you ever tell me
to get you coffee again,
I'll b*at the sh*t out of you!
What are you...? What is wrong
with you? Are you crazy?
This is our plan,
you're supposed to work for me!
You got me a Jamba Juice!
We're supposed to be
brothers, man.
We're supposed to be
shon-di!
What happened to that, huh?
I'm sorry.
You should be sorry.
We've become superheroes and
there's a lot of stress involved,
but you don't gotta
freak out about it.
Now can l have the coffee?
I'm joking. I'm totally joking.
You still mad at me, Kato?
No.
Good.
Because you shouldn't
be anyway.
What's up with Lenore, man?
Is she acting weird around me?
No, why?
I "like" like her.
And l can't nail her.
She's completely un-nailable.
It's a terrible fact.
I don't know what to do.
She doesn't like you,
why would you want her?
Maybe it's because she doesn't like me.
Isn't that sick?
That could be it.
Girls are such a drag, Kato.
Thank God we have each other.
Hey! I'm calling a boys' night!
What do you say, huh?
What are you doing?
I didn't know you wanted to hang out.
I'm going for drinks with a friend.
Friend? Who?
Come on.
Tony.
Tony?
Well, have fun!
Hey, wait, wait, wait!
Can I come?
[PIANO PLAYlNG]
KATO: You want to try?
LENORE: No.
Hit the black key.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, l'll try.
Which one?
You know,
this Green Hornet thing
is just crazy, isn't it?
I mean, it's all l can
think about sometimes.
I feel really in tuned with it. Kind of
like that guy with the Zodiac k*ller.
What about the man
dressed in black?
Johnny Cash?
No. His partner.
His partner. No, I don't think
that that's his partner.
That's probably just
some thug he hired.
Anyhow, they'll both
be dead in no time.
Hm?
Yeah.
Why?
Because the Green Hornet's been
attracting way too much attention.
Whoever's in charge
is gonna get tired of it,
call him in to make
a deal, then k*ll him.
It's what Gotti did
to Mangela in '87.
In two weeks. Two weeks, tops,
that's what l give them.
Two weeks?
Dead.
[***]
CHILI: You're not gonna like
this, but we got nothing.
It's like the Green Hornet
didn't exist.
Nobody's done a deal with him,
done time with him.
Nobody's heard of him.
It's like he came
out of thin air.
POPEYE:
Yeah, and I've gotta say,
he's setting a bad example
for the other gangs.
I met with the Armenians today.
They told me if the
Hornet is independent,
they wanna be independent too.
The Armenians truly said that?
And l heard rumors the Koreans
are talking the same.
Which Korean?
Kim.
Kim?
No, Kim never said that.
No, we've been doing business
for 25 years. We're friends.
I'm sorry, boss.
That's just shocking.
POPEYE: Maybe we should go
down there and teach them
to keep their mouths shut.
CHUDNOFSKY:
No.
No. No.
I should k*ll Kim myself.
He's a friend.
[SCREAMS]
And l'll k*ll the Armenians too.
It'll make me feel better.
Wait! Wait!
Aah! Aah!
Great. What about
The Hornet?
KATO:
Britt?
What you doing here?
Guess what, you son of a bitch.
We got mail.
We got Hornet mail!
He e-mailed! It happened!
Come here, look! Come here!
Look, look, look!
"Green Hornet." Me.
"Good job on the
meth lab." Unh!
"The place was costing me money
and l wanted to shut it down."
That's B.S.
"Let's talk about another venture
that could be mutually beneficial.
Please meet tomorrow
at the lot on Fifth and Union
in downtown at 4 p.m."
Another adventure for
the Green Hornet
and his nameless sidekick!
[HUMS]
Looks like we've got
some planning to do.
It could be a trap.
Like how Gotti k*lled
Mangela in '87.
Where did you hear that from?
The History Channel.
Oh, yeah?
Should we go downtown now
and check it out?
No, that's cool.
I got that covered.
You fill up the car
with weapons and stuff.
So you're just gonna come up
with the plan by yourself?
Bingo.
I don't know
if that's the best idea.
Course you don't.
What's that mean?
Oh, it means that you think
you're an awesome karate dude
that can do anything, and that
I'm an incompetent schmuck
who needs a g*n
that sh**t farts at people.
I'm saying, we should
do this together.
I'm saying you should go home.
You should go to sleep so tomorrow you
could process my incredible plan.
Fine.
KATO:
This is so stupid.
We pissed this guy off.
Now we're walking
into his turf.
We walked into their turf
last time and guess what.
We kicked the crap out of them.
And everyone knows: what happens
when you corner a hornet?
You get stung.
"You get stung."
What does that mean?
This is not a game, Britt.
And you're gonna get us k*lled.
If you don't like my plan,
you do not have to be a part of it.
I don't think you have a plan.
I do!
I just haven't told you yet.
And it's amazing, okay?
So are you in, or are you
chickening out like a bitch?
KATO:
You are a bitch.
BRlTT: Not now, Kato, not now.
Turn in here.
[***]
There they are. Game faces, Kato.
Game faces.
KATO:
Shh, shh.
Here's the plan.
Take this, put it in your ear.
You listen in on my phone,
which l've taped to my chest.
When I say the secret word,
which is "Constantinople,"
I'll kick the old guy in the nuts,
you blow them up with missiles.
Whoa! Truck!
Kato, back up!
Back up!
Back up!
Okay, okay, okay.
This is not part of the plan!
KATO:
No sh*t!
[ENGINE STALLING]
Oh!
And so thunder
strikes lightning.
BRlTT:
Okay, don't panic!
[GRUNTlNG]
The worst thing we can
do right now is panic.
Just let me think.
Okay, don't worry.
I'll get us out of here, okay?
KATO: No, you won't! We're
gonna die now, you ass-wipe.
Well, with that attitude
we will! Come on, man!
I think I'm claustrophobic!
Let me think.
Oh, no!
I can't breathe!
Listen, listen.
[THUDDlNG]
We're buried!
We are totally buried!
Okay, okay.
BRlTT:
What are you doing?
Either k*lling us or saving us.
BRlTT: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Missiles armed?
That's your plan?
You'll blow us up.
That's not a good plan!
Disarm them, man!
Shall we part?
Feel like kebabs for dinner?
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
CHUDNOFSKY:
Look out!
[CHILI SCREAMS]
Chili!
They k*lled him!
They k*lled Chili!
[BEEPlNG]
[KATO SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]
[***]
BRlTT:
Run!
[BRITT SCREAMS]
Oh, sh*t.
There's thorns in these bushes!
Shut up!
Shut up!
BRlTT:
This thing has no aim!
It sucks!
KATO:
You have no aim!
Britt!
What?
I smash window, you sh**t in.
Every man for himself!
Go away!
CHUDNOFSKY:
Die!
BRlTT:
Oh, sh*t!
[BOTH SCREAM]
[PANTlNG]
So you just gonna ignore
me now, is that it?
Like a baby?
And go home, eat some
baby food maybe?
Drink some milk?
Why don't you talk like a baby.
Mama, goo-goo.
You baby.
Waah.
Baby.
WOMAN [ON TV]: expl*sives were triggered
from that vehicle, destroying it,
freeing the Green Hornet...
KATO: Dickweed.
You're calling me that too?
I know people call me that.
That's not a surprise.
That's not a mystery.
Why not?
You say rude things
to me all day, every day.
That's not how partners work.
We're not partners.
I'm the hero,
you're my sidekick!
That's what this is.
I'm lndy, you're Short Round!
Simon, Garfunkel!
Scooby, Doo!
Stop fooling yourself. Green
Hornet is nothing without me.
I made the knockout gas. I alone
designed and built the Black Beauty.
And l didn't help at all?
How? Ejector seats?
Exactly.
What a great idea.
You may have started
this Green Hornet thing
because you hated your father.
You're an egomaniac.
I know.
Exactly like your father.
You are a jealous,
pathetic little man!
Fine. You're doing great
with Lenore.
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, oh. Don't you
walk away on that!
What, you're charming
her pants off, that's what
I'm supposed to believe?
No, that is a filthy gesture!
You know I like her!
I confided in you, Kato!
I trusted you!
I told you I liked her!
Stop it! You hit on
everything that moves.
I'm amazed you haven't
hit on me yet.
If you keep talking
like this, Kato,
I'm gonna b*at
the sh*t out of you.
Just so you know.
I'd like to see you try.
You are a yuppie wimp,
and l'm a martial arts expert who
grew up penniless on the streets.
You grew up penis-less
on the streets.
Funny!
Heroes b*at sidekicks, period!
Don't do that.
Do what?
I'm warning you.
Okay, l'm gonna
forget that slap
so we can fix this.
Okay, okay, you're right.
You're right.
Let's talk. I'm sorry.
Sacked you like a bitch, Kato!
Come here!
Chop-chop!
You like that, Kato? You like it?
This is what you get
when you corner a hornet!
You get...
Oh, God!
[KATO SHOUTS IN MANDARIN]
[SCREAMS]
Now I'm gonna hurt you.
I'd like to see you try.
Get this stupid thing off me,
you cheating bastard!
You dirty bastard!
You idiot.
Okay, let's...
Can we end this?
You are so stubborn.
Do you like it? You like it?
No, I don't like it!
You like it? You like it?
I don't like it.
Okay. Now we can end this.
Just stop.
Just stop.
Just stop! Stop!
Stop, stop, stop!
[KATO YELLING]
KATO:
Britt!
Britt!
Help!
Get out of my pool.
Get off my property!
You're fired!
Never come back!
Help!
I can't swim!
[***]
Britt! Britt!
[COUGHlNG]
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
KATO:
Lenore, it's me.
It's me, Kato.
What the hell?
That's for whatever lie you told Britt.
What?
He called me a minx,
and then he fired me.
[SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]
CHUDNOFSKY:
Chili was a fine warrior.
He was a man of
honor and dignity.
We must show our respect.
And we must show it in blood.
Popeye, go forth.
Take these words
and spread them:
The bounty, 1 million dollars.
The prey, the Green Hornet.
Dead, if possible.
Alive, if necessary.
I don't care whence they have
to go, or who they have to do.
I want the head of the Green
Hornet, and l want it tonight!
Find him. k*ll him.
Take him out.
[***]
WOMAN 1:
How do you do?
Everybody, chase The Hornet!
It's about The Hornet.
We want him dead.
All right.
Hey, you, do me a favor.
Listen to me.
He's got a mask on.
I need you to spread the
word, all right? k*ll him.
WOMAN 2:
The mask was green. Yeah.
MAN 1:
Yo.
A green mask.
WOMAN 2: A hit on The Hornet.
A million bucks.
POPEYE:
Good, good.
MAN 2: What's going on?
What's the word?
Listen, this Green Hornet.
He's got a mask on.
MASSEUSE: One million dollar.
The Green Hornet.
VALET:
You got it. All right.
POPEYE:
Hey, Jacko!
MASSEUSE: Hey, man, you
wanna make a few bucks?
[ALL CHATTERING]
[SCREAMS]
CHUDNOFSKY: You failed to
k*ll me The Hornet, Popeye!
[***]
I warned you about this.
You heightened this
thing to a point
where it had to reach
some kind of a climax.
Well, here it is.
I hope you realize now that you
should stay out of my way.
Let me run this paper.
WOMAN [ON TV]: A gruesome scene last night
as bodies were found across the city,
every one of them
wearing green clothing.
[LINE RINGS]
Investigators believe the slaughter
was part of a manhunt...
DA Scanlon's office, please.
The victims were unrelated
and authorities believe
their only connection was
their choice of attire. As a
precaution, police are advising
citizens to avoid wearing
the color green, so as not to be
unwittingly targeted.
This is my fault. This is
what I did with this paper.
SCANLON:
So what?
At least you tried. Your dad
would have understood that.
Look, running a newspaper
must be difficult.
I mean, if it's anything like
running a re-election campaign,
it's gotta be a pain
in the ass. Heh, heh.
Fortunately, I think we can
make each other's lives easier.
How?
There are two sides
to every story.
I mean, some people,
they see an event and they
interpret it as this crime w*r,
you know?
Other people see
the same incident
and they interpret it
as an isolated event.
Yeah.
I guess I could...
help you decide how
these incidents are exposed.
In the public interest,
of course.
Now, if this collaboration
leads to assert my position,
well, I will make sure that you
enjoy compensation in return.
[***]
What kind of compensation?
Mmm.
Frank, are you...?
Are you saying you want me
to slant the news
for your re-election?
Is that what this is?
I thought you needed my help.
We help each other out
so that we can both get ahead.
This is mutually beneficial.
Okay, l get it now.
You went to my dad,
he rejected your offer,
and you think you can
push me around.
That's what you think?
No, what I think
is that you overvalue
your dad's integrity.
You get out of my office
right this second.
[SCOFFS]
This might be
what you're looking for.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Stay here.
Boss, what are you
doing up here?
We were waiting for you down...
Come here.
I've been doing some thinking.
And l had a revelation.
Look, l'm obsolete.
I'm a dinosaur.
Not in the scary way,
in the extinct way.
And it's time for changes.
You know, it's time for me
to gain some...
charisma.
I've no idea what you're
talking about. I mean...
Ha, ha. I'm talking
about a motif. A theme.
A mask.
Perhaps a stylish cape.
I'm talking about the
death of Chudnofsky
and the rebirth of Bloodnofsky.
What do you say?
Honestly?
Yeah.
I think that is the stupidest
thing I have ever heard.
Why is that stupid?
That's not stupid.
Bloodnofsky.
I was gonna wear red.
For blood, get it?
That's scary.
And cool.
Get this:
"Be it my mask or your blood, red will
be the last color you'll ever see."
I say that to people
when l k*ll them.
The Green Hornet k*lled Chili.
I am minus an eyeball here.
You can't go and tell these
guys that, they'll think you've
lost your bloody mind.
I think you're having
a midlife crisis here.
Seriously, you're starting
to scare me.
Want to know a secret?
I'm starting to scare myself.
[g*nsh*t]
Gentlemen,
the reign of Bloodnofsky
starts tonight.
Hey. I'm sorry I fired you!
Get out of here!
I shouldn't have
called you a minx.
Look, please,
just listen to me.
Kato lied about us, okay?
You should have found
that out before you fire me.
Nothing happened?
No.
Oh, thank God! I knew it!
I knew nothing happened!
That ass. He said you did this.
What?
What is that?
I don't know. lt's gross.
That's not why I'm here.
I need you to come back
and work.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'll double your salary.
Things at The Sentinel?
Not what they seem.
As soon as Scanlon
started running,
my father stopped printing
news about hard crime.
He was making Scanlon
look good.
And l have to make it right.
And l realized that if l want to
do what's best for this world...
that The Daily Sentinel is the
most responsible way to do that.
But here's the problem:
I don't know
anything
about journalism.
LENORE: That's the truth.
Look, l need someone who does.
I need someone who
I can trust with my life.
I'm just... Okay?
I need someone who is you.
I need you, Lenore.
Will you please help me?
[***]
Britt, I...
I know, I know.
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
What is your problem?
God.
Why did you do that to me?
Because you tried to kiss me!
Yeah, we were gonna make out.
No, we weren't.
Then I guess I owe you an
apology, because l misread that.
As usual.
Okay. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't plan
on kissing you when I said all that.
Will you come back
and work for me, please?
Pretty please?
Double my salary.
And l want a parking spot.
You don't have a parking spot?
Oh, that sucks.
And if you ever so much
as look at my ass again...
I can't even see it.
I will sue you for sexual harassment.
Do you understand?
Hugs?
Where my hugs at, y'all?
[LOCK CLICKS]
[***]
[PHONE RINGS]
Britt Reid's office.
SCANLON: Frank Scanlon.
Oh. Please hold.
DA Scanlon.
Really?
Yes.
Hello?
Hey, Britt, it's Scanlon.
Listen, l think l owe
you an apology.
CHUDNOFSKY: Too much blood in the gutter.
You win. Let's split L.A.
You get the L. I get the A.
That means we share the gold
and the work.
One million dollars for today.
SCANLON: I think you misunderstood
where l was coming from
and l'd like a chance
to clarify some things.
Things are pretty clear.
I got three words for you:
No.
Suck it, you d*ck face!
Look.
Tell him that you wanna meet him.
This is journalism.
If you wanna be an investigative
reporter, you have to investigate.
Tell him that you
wanna meet him.
Might've gotten disconnected, Britt.
You're right. Watch this.
I was joking.
Yeah, why don't we get together
and talk about things?
That's a good idea. Okay?
Let's meet for dinner. A little
place called Gonpachi Hibachi.
Little place on La Cienega.
Around 8:30?
La Cienega,
8:30.
[***]
SCANLON:
Britt!
Hey, Frank.
Hey, Britt.
Good to see you.
I'm having a sake.
What are you having?
Yeah, l'll have some sake.
Thanks for coming.
No problem.
[CAR APPROACHlNG]
Mr. Chudnofsky?
Bloodnofsky.
Blood-nof-sky.
I commissioned the Green Hornet.
You're the chauffeur.
Partner.
Where's The Hornet?
Right there.
MAN: Whoa, we only
get half the team?
Who says you're the good half?
Huh.
Where's Reid?
Guess.
Oh.
Any of you move, you're dead.
I'm not actually here
for forgiveness, Britt.
I don't understand.
You understand nothing,
so l'm gonna explain it
to you very simply.
If you ever come across any
article regarding a major crime,
a man named
Benjamin Chudnofsky,
or anything that makes
this city think
I am not the fine line protecting
the light from the darkness,
you're gonna bring it to me.
You're gonna bring it to me
and l'll tell you
if it's okay to print
in your stupid little
newspaper.
That's how I did it
with your dad.
And that's how you
and l are gonna do it.
Scanlon, are you saying you want
me to let you write the news?
[SIGHS]
Finally you understand.
Yup. l understand,
all right.
Here's what I understand.
That you, son, just got played
by a player.
Recording device.
USB.
No, you can't have it,
it's mine!
You stupid schmuck!
I got you by
the balls, Scanlon.
I own a newspaper, genius.
This'll be front-page.
I have to say
I'm impressed.
You should be.
It won't do you any good.
How could it not? Are you gonna
k*ll me in this restaurant?
Yes.
What, you're gonna m*rder me?
Yeah. Like I m*rder*d
your father.
I don't think so. My dad was not m*rder*d.
He d*ed of a bee sting.
No, no, your father d*ed of
an overdose of apitoxin,
most commonly found in a bee sting,
which he happened to be allergic to.
But that apitoxin
was administered by me.
[***]
sh*t!
JAMES: Think, Britt. You can figure
this out, my son, with your brains.
It's almost like time
slows down.
That's right. Think. Slowly.
BRlTT: Okay, two years ago,
Scanlon decides to run for DA.
He says he's cleaning up
the streets of L.A.,
which is impossible.
So he asked the media
to slant the news.
And you go along with it
like everybody else?
JAMES:
No way. l refused.
BRlTT: So he... sh*t! What does he do?
So Scanlon decides
to go really dirty.
Makes a pact with a criminal.
Chudnofsky kills your reporter.
Vertolibe? Vertoleeb?
JAMES: l didn't want more bloodshed,
so I stopped reporting on crime.
To be honest,
in the last few years,
this paper has dipped
in quality and ambition.
BRlTT: Scanlon can hold
up his part of the deal,
keeping the media
under control,
and Chudnofsky does
whatever he wants!
To be honest...
But Chudnofsky
had a different plan.
He wanted to take over
all the gangs of L.A.
So that's when you decided
to cut the strings.
JAMES: I couldn't look in the mirror.
I hated every word I said to you
that morning, Britt.
BRlTT: So you start
reporting on crime again.
And now Scanlon is a dead man
unless he proves
he's still in control.
He has no choice
but to organize
a meeting with you,
and he kills you himself.
Ln the end,
you stood up
for what's right, Dad.
Now l have to do the same.
I can see by that expression you've
had on your face for five minutes
that you're piecing this
together, but it's no good.
You're about to be k*lled
by the Green Hornet.
What?
[CROWD SCREAMlNG]
MAN: The Green Hornet's
sidekick! He's got a g*n!
Bluff! Bluff!
Eradicate!
Before you do this, I want
you to know that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for everything.
I forgive you.
Hey, not me. Him, stupid.
Confused?
You should be.
Go, go.
BRlTT:
Let's bail, Kato!
Back here!
We're cornered!
Know what happens
when you corner a hornet?
No!
You get stung!
[BEEPlNG]
Oh, Je...!
KATO:
See? Backups.
BRlTT:
Go, go, go!
What the hell?
He's supposed to k*ll Britt Reid!
He's sh**ting at me!
Embark the vehicle!
Okay, okay, okay.
Are you okay?
Wait. Yeah, I'm fine.
My outfit's back here.
CHUDNOFSKY:
Britt Reid is the Green Hornet!
I know. You hired
a guy to k*ll himself.
CHUDNOFSKY:
Shut up!
Britt Reid recorded
the whole conversation
on some sushi drive USB!
We can't lose him!
We're not losing him,
we're following him!
Oh, Kato. Thank you.
I need to hug you to thank you!
What the hell?
Okay.
To the house?
No!
Here's the dilly yo.
We gotta get this
to The Sentinel.
It's got Scanlon
spilling the beans.
We're gonna put it on the Net.
It's what my father
would have wanted.
You like your father now?
Yes!
You see, he wasn't
a d*ck after all.
Well, he was a d*ck, just not
really how we thought he was.
At the end, he wasn't a di...
It's complicated.
I'll explain later, okay?
It's a lot of conflicting
emotions.
Let's roll, Britt.
BRlTT:
Here's the thing, honestly.
I've been jealous of you
this entire time.
You're awesome. You built this car.
Uh-huh. I know.
You know karate. You're charming.
Thank you!
BRlTT: These guys are
amazingly well organized.
Hold on!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Burn them from the side!
Door g*ns!
What's a door g*n?
Here!
[YELLING]
The other side!
BRlTT:
Your turn!
MAN:
Oh, God!
Oh, sh*t!
We lost him!
He's gone! He's gone!
Yeah!
BRlTT:
sh*t! He's back!
You gotta be kidding me.
These guys are good!
Over there, over there!
We're not gonna make it, dude.
We're not gonna make it!
SCANLON: Yeah,
we're gonna make it!
That's a very big g*n.
[LAUGHING]
BRlTT:
Kato, be careful!
Take the wheel.
BRlTT:
What?!
Take the wheel.
I can't!
Yes, you can!
Nunchucks?!
That was my idea!
Where are you going?
Are you okay?
What are you doing?
sh*t! sh*t!
Kato!
Jesus!
I don't know what
anything does!
Why didn't you
do this in English?!
[KATO SPEAKS IN MANDARIN]
What are you saying?
Closer.
Just jump in!
Turn the knob!
BRlTT:
These guys are sh**ting at me!
Aah!
Sorry! l'm sorry!
Turn the knob!
I don't know how!
Calm down!
BRlTT:
How do I stop it?
How do I stop it?
Oh, God, l'm sorry.
[TRUCK HORN BLARES]
It's on fire!
It's okay.
It's okay!
Next time,
don't touch anything.
Kato! Look!
We made it!
Kato, we made it!
Hell, yeah!
Yeah!
I can't.
Okay, that's cool.
BRlTT:
Oh, we're screwed!
KATO:
Yee-ha!
MAN:
Come on, hurry! Hurry up!
BRlTT:
Whoops.
Did you drop it?
Yes.
sh*t!
[***]
Go get it!
I'll cover you!
BRlTT:
Wish me luck!
Good luck!
CHUDNOFSKY:
Dear Hornet,
be it my mask
or your blood, red will be
the last...
It's Britt Reid!
There he is! Get him!
Don't let them go!
Come on!
Get him! Get him!
CHUDNOFSKY:
Let me sh**t him!
Oh, no.
SCANLON:
sh**t to k*ll!
You brought a gas mask?!
Of course I brought a gas mask!
Just for yourself?!
Where the...?
There!
There! Behind the paper!
Over here!
The helmet,
it fogs up everything.
There. There.
CHUDNOFSKY:
sh**t, sh**t.
Kato!
Kato, save me!
Ha! I'm ungassable!
MAN:
Move it!
Ow!
That was dangerous.
Drop me by the elevators,
I'll take it from here!
KATO:
No, we stay together!
Get in the front seat!
Quick! Quick!
SCANLON:
Tenth floor! Tenth floor!
What works?
Missiles?
Four missiles left.
Hornet g*n?
Check.
Machine g*ns?
Check.
Does it drive?
Front-wheel drive.
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
AXFORD:
Get out!
Get out of here!
You can let me out here.
Bazooka!
Guy with a bazooka!
m*ssile!
KATO:
Fire!
CHUDNOFSKY:
Reload!
Kato, they're here.
Go be a journalist.
I'll kick ass.
There they are!
There!
Come on.
[ALL SCREAMING]
I'm there.
In one minute,
this'll be all over the world.
[SIRENS WAlLlNG]
[HORN HONKS]
SWAT:
Blue team, go!
Start up.
MAN 1:
sh*t!
Yeah.
MAN 2:
There!
CHUDNOFSKY: Can you see him?
I can't see him.
Oh.
[MAN 3 CHOKES]
[CHUDNOFSKY CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
[BEEPlNG]
Oh, l'm so stupid.
SCANLON:
All right, Reid!
Hand over the thing.
BRlTT:
You want it?!
Go get it!
Where is it? Where is it?
I am Bloodnofsky.
I k*lled a thousand before
and l'll k*ll a thousand more.
Now tremble before your death.
For be it my mask,
or be it your blood,
red will be the last color
you'll ever see.
[***]
Britt.
Britt!
[SCREAMlNG]
KATO: sh*t!
Hey!
End of the road, Scanlon.
Okay, okay.
Let's just calm down.
Hand over the sushi.
Oh... Uh, yeah,
hand it over.
We can talk about it.
SWAT 1: On the ground, now!
SWAT 2: Get down!
It's the Green Hornet.
sh**t him!
Aah!
Britt, quick!
I'm District Attorney
Frank Scanlon!
That is the Green Hornet.
Go sh**t him!
SWAT 3:
Down on the ground!
Kato, I screwed up!
Scanlon's gonna
get away scot-free!
No, he's not.
[SCREAMlNG]
[CROWD CLAMORING]
[BRITT YELLlNG]
KATO:
Don't move. Don't move.
BRlTT:
Ow! Oh!
Ow! Whoa.
Holy sh*t!
Ejector seats!
You actually built them!
It was a good idea.
[BEETHOVEN'S "SYMPHONY NO. 3 IN E FLAT
MAJOR 'EROICA' OP. 55" PLAYlNG ON RECORD]
Wow.
This is really scary.
A high-speed chase
between the Green Hornet
and g*ng members has led
to The Daily Sentinel office,
LENORE:
Oh, my God! I called it.
Leaving a trail of demolished cars
and trucks in their path.
BRlTT: Here's the story: We're on
our way to a costume party. Okay?
[SIRENS WAlLlNG]
We gotta get out of our suits.
Where the hell are we gonna go?
MAN [ON TV]: No one knows why
the district attorney...
Aah!
BRlTT: Lenore!
No, no, no.
Lenore, stop!
No, wait!
KATO:
Stop. Lenore!
BRlTT:
Lenore! Wait.
How do you know my name?
Kato.
BRlTT: lt's me. Ha.
Oh, my God.
You assholes!
What the hell are you doing?!
You guys are criminals!
You're criminals!
Oh, my God.
Stop.
We're helping people.
Why ask me to do research
on the Green Hornet
when you are the Green Hornet?
We don't know what we're doing.
We needed you. Don't you see?
You're the mastermind.
What?
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
OFFlCER:
This is the police. Open up.
Please don't screw us. We were
trying to be good people.
Shh!
Think about it.
Hello, officer, can l help you?
We're looking for two
masked men. Seen anything?
Yeah, of course.
Really?
They're all over the news
all the time.
All right. Well, please report
anything suspicious.
Absolutely.
You guys are such
stupid assholes!
What are you thinking?!
Please forgive us. Forgive me.
Are you crazy?
Kiss and make up later.
I don't kiss him!
BRlTT:
I got a b*llet in me!
You and I don't kiss! You guys
might kiss, but I don't kiss you!
I've been sh*t in the shoulder.
Well, then go to the hospital!
No! Don't you see? The police
know the Green Hornet was
sh*t in the shoulder.
If l go to the hospital, they'll
know l'm the Green Hornet.
Yeah, you've
been sh*t. Ew.
BRlTT: Here's what I need.
What?
BRlTT: Get me a spatula
to bite and a Kn*fe.
You gotta dig this b*llet
out of my meat. Do it.
I'm cold.
It's deep inside me.
Oh, God.
Spatula.
Okay, okay. Wait!
Sterilize it!
What?
Sterilize it.
I don't wanna get gangrene.
KATO:
Say it, say it.
Shon-di.
BRlTT: Shon-di.
KATO:
Shon-di forever.
Here we go, this is hot. Let me see.
Just wait.
I'm not ready.
Stop, stop, stop.
Aah! Wait, it hurts.
Okay, l can't do it.
Take me to the hospital.
Would you just shut up?
Okay, look,
if l'm the mastermind of this, just
let me have a second of silence
so l can figure this out!
Okay?
BRlTT:
Mere hours ago,
the Green Hornet and a group
of his criminal underlings
launched a horrendous att*ck
on this building
that claimed the life of
District Attorney Frank Scanlon.
It's unfortunate, but,
you know, that's what happens.
The Daily Sentinel
will be rebuilt.
And to start that off,
I am naming Mike Axford
the new editor in chief.
[***]
Mike's great and he's
comfortable telling me off,
so he's the perfect man
for the job.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
We have to get this paper
back to the ideals
that my father started it on.
I wanna make him proud,
and l hope to
make this city proud of The Daily
Sentinel like never before.
The Green Hornet
sends his regards.
[CROWD SCREAMlNG]
He sh*t me! Aah!
Directly in the shoulder!
OFFlCER: The Green Hornet's
sidekick sh*t Britt Reid!
BRlTT:
Get me to the hospital!
LENORE:
He's been sh*t in the shoulder!
We gotta get him
to a hospital right away!
It worked. Ow.
[SIRENS WAlLlNG]
[DAVlD SARDY'S "GREEN
HORNET THEME" PLAYING]
Kato.
Hey!
We have a secret mission.
Everything
we've done up till now is
complete and utter crap!
This is all that matters.
This is it.
Let's roll, Kato.
It's crooked.
He's kind of...
He's kind of looking...
Down?
Ah, it's fine.
Doesn't matter.
We did it.
We did.
The Green Hornet.
His reliable partner,
the Blue Wombat.
[GROANS]
Oh, man.
Okay, how about
the Red Hippopotamus?
No? Not Red Hippopotamus?
KATO:
Hippos are not red.
BRlTT: l know. Hornets
aren't green. Who cares?
The Orange Albatross.
[♪♪♪]
[THE GREENHORNES'
"SAYING GOODBYE" PLAYlNG]
[JAY CHOU'S "NUNCHUCKS"
PLAYlNG]
Green Hornet, The (2011)
Moderator: Maskath3