01x16 - Trevor's Pants

[bunniefuu]

TREVOR: Boys, boys. You notice
anything different about me?

ARI: Uh, no, but I noticed

something different about your mom

when I left her house this morning.

- ALL: Oh!
- Boom! You just got Ari'd.

Nice, Ari.

No. New suit.

David set me up with his tailor.

My guy's a magician.

He'd have to be to make Trevor look hot.

- You just said Trevor looked hot.
- You love Trevor.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Damn it.

ARI: Pinkus, hand me my briefcase.

And open it for me.

I'm sorry, what... am
I the summer associate?

- DAVID: He's not.
- Right, right.

Pinkus. So dumb.

Ugh. Chekhov Chill?

- Oh!
- You just got chilled.

You guys.

ALL [CHANTING]: Chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug...

[SHOUTING, CHEERING]

All right, all right,
I have an announcement.

That's actually a celebratory cocktail,

'cause starting this Monday,
you are no longer lowly scum.

You are a full member of the team.

No. No way. I'm getting promoted?

Mazel, Pinkus, and we're
taking you out tonight.

- Yes!
- Yeah, my folks are in Europe,

so we're hitting the country estate.

ALL [CHANTING]: Pinkus, Pinkus,

Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus, Pinkus,

Pinkus, Pinkus... [LAUGHTER]

TREVOR: This is gonna
be the best night ever!

Yeah!

♪

JAY: No, that's great.

Uh-huh. We'll be here.

That was the jeweler.

He thinks he might have
found someone, babe.

- No way. That's amazing.
- What's going on?

Oh, remember the vintage
watch we took off the corpse

of Hetty's dead robber baron husband?

How exciting do you
think our afterlives are

that we wouldn't remember that?

Well, we may finally have a buyer.

How much does he think we can get?

Enough to knock out
our entire debt, babe.

And the guy's coming up from the city

this afternoon to look at it.

Ooh, man, we really need
this sale to go through.

What is that smell?
Oh, yeah, desperation.

Listen to me, the most important
bargaining chip you have

is the ability to walk away.

I would argue a lead pipe beats
that, but I get your point.

The ghosts are saying we
shouldn't act too desperate.

Oh, guys, come on. Have some faith.

I'm a master negotiator.

Do you remember the deal
I got us on the Mini?

I don't know that that was
the victory you think it...

Babe, has our undercarriage
rusted? Has it?

No, I think not.

And they threw that in for free.

PETE: Man,

picking something to watch
is much more difficult

than it was in the ' s.

[CHUCKLES] Too many choices.

SAMANTHA: Pete, just make up your mind.

Maybe go back through
the romantic comedies,

- comb through those again?
- No!

Thor not watch romantic comedies.

Thor hate love.

You okay, there, big guy?

Thor had a pretty emotional
therapy session the other day.

A lot come up. Thor discuss
feelings about Flower.

Oh. And what did the therapist say?

[EXHALES] She thinks I should
tell Flower how I truly feel.

And I agree with her.
This is the new you, buddy.

You talk about things.

Thor scared.

Can it ever really work out
between a hippie and a Viking?

Oh, now, that's a romantic
comedy I would watch.

[CHUCKLES] Can you type
in "hippie and Viking,"

see if anything comes up?

Oh, yeah, sure.

[SIGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Welcome. Hi. I'm Sam, and this is Jay.

Hey, what's up, man? I'm Ari.

Hey, what's going on?

All right, well, we're really
excited to have you here.

Not too excited. Just the
appropriate amount of excited.

[CHUCKLES] This is gonna be a disaster.

Hey, you know what is nuts?
I've actually been here before.

Oh, yeah.

He does seem familiar.

Holy crap. Is that Ari Cantor?

- ALL: Oh!
- Boom! You just got Ari'd.

Wait, you know him?

Yeah, he's, like, my boy.

- Know who?
- I... I was just asking Jay if he knew you.

[CHUCKLES] I mean, we just met.

Right, so now you know him.

Yep.

Anyway, yeah, I knew this guy

whose parents owned this
place, David Woodstone.

My great-great-great-grandson,

who was actually kind of a louse.

Uh, David was my uncle.
I didn't really know him,

but his mom was my great-aunt Sophie,

who I inherited this place from.

He was obsessed with strippers.

I heard he was a good guy, though.

Man, this place is really
bringing back some memories for me.

JAY: Wow, well, I could show you around,

or do you want to see the watch first?

Nah, not yet.

Cool, uh, yeah. Let's chitchat.

That's how not big of a deal

this whole watch transaction is to me.

Uh, right this way.

I can't believe this.

Trevor, you know this guy?

Ari and I worked together.

He was in my crew. We
were, like, best friends.

No way. That's crazy.

You want to know something really crazy?

He was here the night that I d*ed.

Okay, how did you die, and why
aren't you wearing any pants?

You've never asked him about this?

I was always curious, but
I didn't know the etiquette

- around ghost deaths.
- [CHUCKLES] Tell her the story, Trev.

TREVOR: All right.

I thought you'd never ask.

It was the year .

Y K was behind us, mad
cow was Europe's problem,

and the future was bright.

- Oh, yeah.
- All right!

Ari, can you hand me
that pillow, please?

Why? Is there a Chekhov Chill behind it?

[CHUCKLING]: Oh...

'Cause if there is, you know the rules.

The attempted chiller
is himself chilled.

[ALL SHOUTING]

- Damn it!
- No one chills the A-dog.

Drink up, Lefkowitz.

Oh, your day will come.

Keep dreaming.

Here we go.

ALL [CHANTING]: Chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug... [CHEERING]

- T-Money. Come on.
- That was awesome.

You better get your
buzz on, too, Pinkus.

- Help you stay warm during the Run of Fun.
- The Run of Fun?

It's just so humiliating.

Uh, what's the Run of Fun?

How about, instead of any hazing,

we just party and celebrate
Pinkus's promotion?

Dude, hazing is to prove loyalty.

We all went through it.

To question it is to break the bro code.

♪

Are you breaking the bro code, bro?

Psych.

- Got you.
- [LAUGHTER]

- You're running, Pinkus.
- DAVID: All right, ladies.

Time to take this night up a notch.

ARI: How I love Woodstone's
secret drug drawer.

It's so baller.

DAVID: Name of the
game is pill roulette.

Take one, find out what happens.

I'm first.

I wish there was a
green one for T-Money.

But yellow and blue make green.

[LAUGHTER, SHOUTING]

What?!

Damn!

- Two pills!
- [LAUGHS]

And I was a total legend.

For two hours until your heart exploded.

Tell her how you lost your pants.

This is classic Trev.

Well, post-drug cocktail, pre-death,

I had sex with the hot limo driver.

All right, so you d*ed having sex?

No, I d*ed about minutes later.

Then why were your pants not on?

Because we were gonna do it again.

Does a boxer put his robe back on

between rounds one
and two? Come on, Sam.

THORFINN: So,

you probably won't
remember this, but, uh,

several months ago,

during Viking funeral,

I was supposed to be sucked off.

Right.

And you said, "No, Thor, don't go.

I love you."

And then I wasn't sucked off,

and then you said, "Never mind."

Okay, yeah, yeah, this is
ringing a bell. Yeah, sure.

So...

I was wondering if, maybe,

there was truth to the thing you said

before you said, "Never mind."

Yes, there was.

Really?

Yeah, but-but that was when I thought

I couldn't have you.

So you only want Thor if Thor not here?

I have intimacy issues, man.

But you had boyfriend Ira.

I remember. He run away like Dane

when att*cked by bear.

Well, Ira and I only worked
because it was never just us.

We always had a third.

First, there was
Phyllis, the blanket hog.

Then Dorothy, another blanket hog.

Blanket politics are
really big in throuples.

The point is,

we always had a buffer to keep things

from getting too intense.

Sorry.

Well, maybe we get buffer.

Huh.

But who would be the third?

ARI: th-century Jacques Bijoux.

- A rare find.
- Mm-hmm.

But not in great condition, is it?

What? Let me see that?

TREVOR: Sam.

I want to hear about the old days.

Bring up my name.

- ... some nicks on the bezel.
- Fine. So, uh,

you mentioned that you
used to hang out here

with my Uncle David.

Was there a guy named Trevor
Lefkowitz in your crew?

Um, it's hard to say.

I knew a lot of Trevors.

What? We were bros.

Right, i-it's just that, you know,

Uncle David did bring
his name up quite a bit.

Oh, because I thought that you said

that you didn't really know your uncle.

Surely, he must remember
the night that you d*ed.

Yes. Smart.

Okay, we were here to
celebrate Pinkus's promotion.

- Bring that up.
- A... and where exactly is the bezel?

SAMANTHA: You know, I think
that it might have been

this one time you guys were all
up here for Pinkus's promotion,

is what I remember my
Uncle David telling me,

as a child, during one of our few chats.

JAY: Hey, babe, I think this is

hardly relevant to the
negotiations at hand.

[LAUGHS]: Right? How is this relevant?

I don't know...

I'm gonna go make a quick phone call.

What are you doing? You're blowing it.

I'm sorry, but Trevor
says he knows the guy.

None of this makes any sense.

How does someone not
remember their best bro?

Oh, well, Hamilton pretended
to not know me at a party once.

And then "got my name wrong"

several times over the years after that.

[LAUGHS] Classic archrival shenanigans.

What is this for?

We just wanted to ask you

some questions about yourself.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, well,

you know I do love talking about myself.

Ask away.

I would not describe myself
as a "people person," no.

I mean, no, I wouldn't say my body

is particularly hairy. Why?

Is this a sex thing?

Am I willing to go with the flow?

No.

Yeah, this is a sex thing. I'm out.

My strong suits? Well, I'm can-do.

Selfless. I tend to put other
people's desires and needs

before my own.

Oh, and I have excellent
hand-eye coordination.

He's perfect.

Great. Perfect for what?

Look, I came up here to buy
a watch, and ten minutes in,

she's grilling me about a dead man.

Did one of you guys
snitch? I guess I'm just

kind of worried that
maybe, I don't know,

I'm being blackmailed?

- Blackmailed?
- This is getting interesting.

No, I'm not on dr*gs,
but I wish that I was,

'cause I'm freaking out right now.

Oh, right. The secret drug drawer.

I don't know. How long do you
think cocaine stays good for?

Who would ever keep it around
long enough to find out?

TREVOR: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean, "snitched"?
What's he talking about?

He has obviously done
something nefarious.

Dude is shaken. [LAUGHS]

Are you telling us everything?
What really happened that night?

I told you, I took some bad
pills, had totally awesome sex

and then d*ed.

But I don't know what
he means by snitching.

Because there's something you
don't know about that night.

None of you do.

Ari betrayed you, Trevor.

What did he do?

He's the one who broke the bro code.

[GASPS]

Oh, come on. That was gasp-worthy.

There's something wrong with you people.

What do you mean, Ari betrayed me?

Okay, look, something happened,

and I never told you
because I know how much

you loved your bros.

You had just d*ed and were
understandably a little confused.

What the hell is going on? [SHOUTS]

Who are all you guys?

We are ghosts.

While most spirits pass on,

we are the unfortunate
few cursed to spend...

- ARI: He's dead!
- Okay, well, I'm talking here.

What the hell? This is nuts!

You know, it's a little loud in here.

Maybe we do the welcoming
ceremony in another room.

Why do you have an arrow in your neck?

Oh, because I'm dead.
But I'm jumping ahead.

We'll get to all that.

Where are your pants, man?

Yeah, probably should have
kept those on. Big mistake.

SASAPPIS: While everyone else left
to tend to you, I stuck around.

You were in good hands, and
I was having too much fun

- watching these jerks freak out.
- I am not freaking out!

Oh, God, what are we gonna do?

Maybe we call ?

No, I am, like, % cocaine right now.

We are not calling the cops.

I can't handle going to jail.

I can't handle going to the Sheraton!

There's only one way out of this.

We call our dads.

They didn't even try to help you?

It gets so much worse.

Okay, my dad said we should lawyer up.

- We're probably gonna be fine.
- "Probably"?

My dad says hide the body.

What are you talking about?

We weigh it down, drop
the body in the lake

and never speak of this again.

Agreed?

SASAPPIS: And that's
exactly what they did.

I'm so sorry, Trevor.

Okay, it's not good,
obviously, but they were scared.

Trevor, stop defending them.

They were kids. Some
of them were barely .

Well, they would've been
grandparents in my day, but go on.

I'm just saying, I would've
done the same thing.

No, you wouldn't have, and
you know you wouldn't have,

'cause you were different from them.

- How do you know?
- Because I know the story

of how you really lost your pants.

[GASPS]

[GASPS] Oh, come on.

[LAUGHS] Congratulations, Pete.

THORFINN: Yes, Thor also very
comfortable with new development.

Not rethinking it at all.

Look, truth be told, uh, now
that I'm fully up to speed

on what you guys say I have won,

I'm not really sure I want the position.

Oh, well, we can do
any position you want.

Not what I'm saying.
Uh, I'm talking about

the general position of being the third.

Maybe I could watch. Nope. Hate that.

Uh, thank you, though,

and good luck.

I'll be cheering you guys on.

From afar. Not from the same roo...

You understand.

[SOFTLY]: Is it possible
that I could leave?

- Thank you.
- Uh...

I already told you how I
lost the pants, remember?

Refractory period in between
rounds with the hot limo driver.

SASAPPIS: Yeah, first of all, you
never had sex with the limo driver.

Here's what really happened.

Can you stop doing that?

[LAUGHTER]

So, uh, I don't really understand.

Um, the Run of Fun is
that I have to somehow

make it back to the city
on foot with no money,

wearing nothing but a T-shirt?

Sounds like you understand perfectly.

[LAUGHTER]

These guys are mean.

DAVID: He's for sure
gonna get hypothermia.

[LAUGHTER]

SASAPPIS: But before Pinkus left...

Have fun.

... you tracked him down.

Pinkus.

You don't have to do
this if you don't want to.

But I really want the promotion.

All right.

Don't tell anybody about this.

You take my money clip, you get a cab.

I want that back Monday, though.

Serious? Thank you, Trevor.

Oh, wait.

A cab's not gonna let you
in without any pants on.

I learned that the hard
way during my Run of Fun.

Okay.

[SNIFFLES] Get out of here.

Y-you're just gonna go
back in there with no pants?

I'll make up something brilliant.

Wait. Take my boxers.

I don't want your boys
rubbing up against my new suit.

[CHUCKLES] Fair enough.

- Be free.
- Thank you so much.

[EXHALES]

Guess who just had sex
with the hot limo driver!

[OTHERS EXCLAIMING]

Trevor, you're a good guy.

I had no idea.

Okay, a little less
shocked would be nice.

I don't understand, Sass.

Why did you never call me out
about the limo driver thing?

Because I knew why you lied.

Helping Pinkus meant breaking
the bro code that you lived by,

and I knew that was important to you.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe those
guys would do that.

ALBERTA: Well, sh**t,
let's take them down.

Tell the press. Ooh, Sam
can help us ruin their lives.

That's not gonna make me feel better.

That job, those guys, that was my world.

Maybe I never had any bros at all.

Maybe my whole life was a lie.

And are you sure Trevor
didn't, like, put hot sauce

in the man's pants to
burn the guy's wiener?

I wish there was something we could do

to make Trevor feel better.

Well, he said he didn't want revenge,

so we just have to honor that.

No, he said he didn't
want to ruin their lives.

But I have another idea to get revenge.

And it is super douchey,
so he's gonna love it.

I don't know if you're distracted

or if you're Art of w*r-ingme
with your negotiation tactics,

but I'll tell you what, you're good.

Bro, I'm not even thinking
about the watch right now.

Okay, % off, final offer.

Hey, how's it going in here?

I got him right where I want him.

Ari, uh, could I talk
to Jay for a second?

You can wait in the living room.

Oh, yeah, of course.

You can talk to Jay all you want.

Wh-what do you guys want to talk
about, exactly? Is it about me?

'Cause if it's about me,
I feel like I should know.

Where were you just now?

Just took a walk, down by the lake.

Oh, that's lovely.

I-I didn't even know
that you had a lake here.

I'll be in the living room.

What is going on?

Ghost stuff. We just have to
wait in here for a few minutes.

[GASPS SOFTLY] Good
news, I have a surprise.

Oh, really?

Uh, what is it?

Well, I was getting the sense
that you were a little nervous

about the whole "finding a third" thing.

- Maybe a little.
- But, of course,

I still have my hang-ups about
the whole one-on-one thing,

so I found a compromise.

It's Crash's body.

Oh, yes, it, uh... That...

[LAUGHS] Surprise.

Well, I figured this
is, like, a happy medium.

The two-and-a-half
solution, if you will.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, I cannot do this.

No, no, no, he's cool with it. Watch.

Yeah, you're cool
with that, right? Yeah.

He's cool with it.

Yeah... Wait, no, wh-where you going?

It's not that. Look,

if you not okay with
just Thor, I understand,

but if it is more time you
need to feel comfortable,

I can wait.

Really?

I've been here a thousand years.

Only met you years ago.

Blink of an eye.

So we can wait till moment is right.

But it might be a long time.

Thor think that maybe
Flower worth the wait.

Aw. [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Okay, we should get out of
here. I think I got it revved up.

Flattered, but, uh, no, thank you.

[STAMMERS] Nice to see you.

Uh, why are you
bringing me in here? I...

No.

I don't want to look at this guy.

Trevor, you thought
you did not have bros,

but you are mistaken.

You have bros. And we are they.

Enjoy.

What did you guys do?

Oh, just watch.

- Y'all think he's gonna do it?
- Trust me.

- This'll work.
- ALBERTA: There you go.

Go to the drug drawer.

- [GRUNTS]
- There you go.

- ISAAC: Right there...
- HETTY: Right there.

- Oh, you're so close.
- Do it.

ALL: Do it, do it, do it...

[ALL CHEERING]

"I know what you did. T-Money"?

Oh, my God, you guys.

I believe some sort of celebratory
declaration is in order?

Ari Cantor, I've waited
years to say this to you.

You just got chilled. Boom!

- [LAUGHTER]
- Come on!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Is, uh, everything okay?

Um, look...

I don't know what kind
of sick game this is,

but how about this?

I'll pay you double what
you're asking for the watch,

and we agree to never
speak of this again.

Deal. No take-backs.

See? Told you your hubs could handle it.

Good job, babe. Say, Ari,
is that a Chekhov Chill?

When you find one of
those, aren't you supposed

to do something with it?

ALL: Ooh...

Seriously?

I don't make the rules... bro.

Get down. Down.

[CHANTING]: Chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah! That was the best!

- That was the most amazing thing.
- [WHOOPS]