01x06 - Whose room is it anyway

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Go together like ♪

♪ A horse and carriage ♪

♪ This I tell ya, brother ♪

♪ You can't have one ♪

♪ Without the other ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ It's an institute ♪

♪ You can't disparage ♪

♪ Ask the local gentry ♪

♪ And they will say
It's elementary ♪

♪ Try, try, try
To separate them ♪

♪ It's an illusion ♪

♪ Try, try, try
And you will only come ♪

♪ To this conclusion ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪♪

Okay, everybody.
Gather round.

I want you to watch me
pay these bills.

Aren't you gonna
dress in rags

like you did
last month?

That was to prove
a point, Peg.

A point that obviously
wasn't taken too seriously.

Now, the Bundy household
is going to cut down

on unnecessary
expenditures.

What can we do to help?

For starters, we can cut down
on our electricity.

Bud, are we
in the living room?

No, Dad.

Then turn out
the light.

Sure, Dad.

Dad?

What?

I'm in the
living room now.

You're also on thin ice.

Turn out the light.

Like it or not,
this family will learn to save.

Where the hell are
the rest of the bills?

On the coffee table,

under your new $
glow-in-the-dark tackle box.

Okay. Everybody
gather round.

Would somebody please
turn a light on in here?

I can't see a thing.

Sure, Dad.

Kelly, are we
in the kitchen?

No, Dad.

Then what do we do?

We'll learn.

We'll all learn.

Look at this.

Everybody in the world
gets a tax refund. Not me.

Me, I work in hell,
I earn nothing.

Bud, where else
aren't we?

In a good neighborhood?

Go on upstairs and
turn out those lights.

And, Kelly...

Let me guess.

You want me to go outside
and beg for cheese.

No, I want you to cut down on
your entertainment expenditures.

You know, records,
movies...bleach.

Fine, but I'm
warning you.

I'll steal bleach before
I give up my blondness.

Good girl.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want
to get that, Al?

Who spent $ . at a place
called Little Toenails?

I'll get it.

Hi. We've been nut picking
and we brought you a bag.

Got a nutcracker?

You're looking at her.

I've got one somewhere.

Would you close the door.

You're letting out
the heat.

Is that what you make?

You're gaining
a little weight there,

aren't you, Marce?

I found
the nutcracker.

Do you think
I'm gaining weight?

Eh...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Al, would you get the door
for once in your life?

Who the hell spent
$ on granular facial scrub?

I'll get it.

Hi. Hi, Al.

What do you want?

I missed Marcie.

Aw, look at that, Al.

It's only been a few minutes,
and he misses her.

Why don't you
just k*ll me?

Close the door.
The heat's getting out.

If you want to cut down
on your heating bills,

do what we did.

Install extra insulation.

Not only is it
a monthly savings,

but we got a nifty little
rebate from the government

for energy
conservation.

Believe me,
it had a lot to do

with that big tax refund
we just got.

The only thing is, we don't
know what to do with the money.

Why don't you
have a couple of kids.

They'll suck it up
like a Hoover.

That's a vacuum
cleaner, Peg,

in case you want to do
something different

with your afternoons.

Did we come
at a bad time?

Don't mind Al.

It's just his time
of the month.

Bill time.

So, what are you gonna spend
your refund on?

We were thinking about taking
a romantic trip to Paris.

I've always wanted
to go to Paris.

Oh, yeah, Paris.
Where they hate Americans.

Where they won't let
our bombers fly overhead.

Oh, yeah, until
they get invaded.

Then they come crawling back
to us, beret in hand,

for us to bail them out
with my tax dollars.

That's where you
want to go?

No. We just said that
to kid you.

We hate the French.

Know what I'd do
if I had a few extra bucks?

b*mb the French?

No, I was talking about
a little extra money.

Anyhow, I'd like to add on
to our house,

you know, just to have
a little room for me.

Somewhere I could go, relax,
sit back, read the paper.

Another bathroom, huh?

Actually, we considered
adding on to our house

when we bought it,

But we'd need you
to sign a variance

to give us permission to build
that close to the property line

and it seemed
like an imposition.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

We're friends.
Aren't we, Al?

Who, you and me? No.

Would you really
consider it?

I mean, there would be
some extra noise

and dust for a while.

Ah, why not?

It's something we can
hold over your heads.

Come on, Steve.

Let's go look through
our dream house file.

Hey, thanks, you guys.

That was nice of you.

Yeah, I'm a nice guy.

What is this?
$ for chopped sirloin?

You never make me
chopped sirloin.

Who the hell got
the chopped sirloin?

Why do you give Buck
chopped sirloin,

and I get tuna?

Why doesn't he get tuna?

Because tuna
makes his breath smell.

And yours is hereditary.

Dad.

I just wanted
you to know

that I've listened
to you.

And I haven't spent
any money today.

Good boy.

Yeah. I sure hope
Kelly hasn't.

Oh, my God!

Kel, what's
in the bag?

I bought some new jeans.

Dad, you told me
to buy new jeans.

You said that you hated
the way these looked.

Oh, all right.

Tough luck, maggot.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, Al.
What can I do for you?

Steve, come on in.
Sit down.

What are you doing?

Everybody's doing this.

And yes, if everyone
was jumping off of buildings,

so would I.

Kel, collect call for you
from Australia.

Excuse me.

There must be some sort
of a misunderstanding.

I thought
we had code words

for things like this.

We're late
on our code payments.

Well, a couple of years,
they'll be gone.

So, Steve,
how's the addition?

Well, we just talked about it
last night.

We haven't had much time
to do anything about it.

Yeah, good, good.

I was thinking that while
the girls are at the gym,

this would be
a good opportunity

for us to just kind of
sit around and sh**t the bull.

Hey, great.

Well, yesterday
at the bank--

Ha ha ha ha!

Great story, Steve.

Listen, you know
the kind of room

I think you and Marcie
really need?

A poolroom for you and me.

I don't know.

I think Marcie and I should
get a room we both like.

She's got one.
She's got the kitchen.

You need something
to fill up your life

and I think this room
is the perfect thing.

See, Steve, remember how great
it was when you were a kid

and you had your own room,

and you had the privacy
to do whatever you wanted to?

You can do
those things again.

I don't need
to do that anymore.

I've got a wife now.

And a terrific little wife
she is too.

She would never stand in the way
of you wanting your poolroom.

Listen, think of it, Steve.

A little refrigerator
for your beer.

A little powder
on your hands.

That feeling
of the cue stick

sliding through your fingers.

That squeak of the chalk.

But most of all,

that feeling of adrenaline
coursing through your veins

as you make that
two-cushion bank shot,

-ball in the side pocket.

[SIGHS]

Gee.

That was a great workout.

You want some pie?

Sure.

It really does give you
an appetite, doesn't it?

Ah, the boys are at your house,
talking about your new room.

So, what kind of room
is this going to be?

An all-purpose room.

What a waste.

Why not build a room
with a purpose?

Like an exercise room
for you and me.

Ice cream?

Sure.

Gee, an exercise room
would be great.

Then we wouldn't
have to wait in line

to use their equipment

and be laughed at
by women with good bodies.

Chocolate sauce?

Okay.

I don't know, Peggy.

Steve and I wanted a room
we could both use.

Oh, Steve has
his own room.

He has the kitchen.

Besides, aren't you sick
of dragging me along each week

to be your free guest
at the health club?

I mean, they know
I'm not gonna join.

Doesn't that
embarrass you?

Well, not as much
as you stealing towels.

Hey. That sign said:

"Guest towels. Take one."

Look, Marce, if you build
an exercise room,

not only will you
look better,

but you'll live longer.

And isn't that
the best possible present

you could give Steve?

Whipped cream?

What the heck.

I'm gonna have
an exercise room, right?

Right.

Now, this exercise room should
have a little refrigerator

for our juice
and other healthy things.

Listen, honey, I think this
is a great move, adding a room.

Listen, you guys,

thanks for
suggesting it.

What are
neighbors for?

Our pleasure.

Steve, let's start getting
bids from some contractors.

And architects.

And designers.
I want to move on this thing.

I love you, Marcie.
I love you, Steve.

I hate them, Peg.

They hate you, Al.

Yeah, but they're gonna
have a nice little room

where I can go and sh**t pool
and have fun.

I hate to break
this to you,

but that room is gonna be
an exercise room for me.

Oh, and Marcie, I guess,
if she can find the time.

I don't think
she will, personally.

Forget it, Peg.
I'm getting a poolroom.

I'm getting
an exercise room.

Not a chance!

Look, Marcie
is on my side.

She makes the money,
she's got the power.

Yeah? I make the money,
and I have no power.

Why is that, Peg?

Well, we'll deal
with that tomorrow.

The important thing is,
I want that poolroom,

and Steve's
gonna get it for me.

Marcie will run
right over him

like a tractor
over a road apple.

Not this time, Peg.

This time, he's gonna be

the little road apple
that could.

Ha, ha!

Oh, yeah?
Call him back here

and we'll settle this
once and for all.

All right, fine.

Steve-- Oh.

Excuse me.
Could you come back in?

We want you
to settle an argument

between me and Peg.

Now, is that addition
gonna be a poolroom

like Steve wants

or an exercise room
like Peg wants?

You want
a poolroom?

You didn't say anything
about a poolroom.

Well, you didn't say anything
about an exercise room.

I thought we weren't gonna
make any decisions

without consulting
our life partner.

Well, it looks like
you made one

without consulting
me, Ms. La Lanne.

How do you like
my little road apple now?

It ain't over until
the fat lady sings.

You don't even
play pool anymore.

At least I exercise.

So I can be healthy
and live longer for you.

Oh, Marcie.

♪ La la ♪♪

But I suppose I could
exercise at the club,

rather than have you risk
injury or disease

at the local pool hole.

No, your body
is much more important

than my having
a good time.

We'll build
your exercise room.

I don't want you
to be unhappy.

I don't want you
to be unhappy.

Look, it's obvious

that things are heating up
here a little bit too much.

Why don't we take a minute,
relax, sit down and cool off.

Now, Steve will
cool off right here.

Come on, Marcie. Let's make you
a cup of coffee and calm down.

How you doing, Steve?

Are you comfortable?

Sure, Al.

How could you be
without a backbone?!

You know damn well

you and me wanted
this pool table.

How come she's the one
racking the balls?

Al, it wasn't worth
fighting about.

Oh sure, our rights
are not important?

Anything a woman says
is fine with us.

When did men
become such losers?

It used to be so great
to be a man.

Women were there
to please us.

They'd look after the kids

and we'd go out
and have a good time.

That's the natural
order of things.

What happened, Steve?

Well, Al--

I'll tell you
what happened, Steve.

Somebody told women they should
start enjoying sex too.

That was the beginning
of the end.

Now they like it,
but it's work for us.

Everything's work for us.

It's this equality thing.
It's k*lling us.

You know who I blame?

The French?

I think it's this Curie guy
started the whole thing.

He's the guy
that let his wife

take the credit
for discovering radium.

But she did
discover radium.

Probably because
he left it out one night.

That never would
have happened

if he had his own room.

Einstein had his own room.

You think Einstein invented
the theory of relativity

in his wife's
exercise room?

No. He was in his own room
with the door closed.

Now, you make
a decision, Steve.

But make the right one.

Remember, a man's castle
is his pants.

Why is it men always
get what they want?

Steve's not getting
what he wants.

He will.
They always do.

And we let them.

You know, no matter
how far we've come,

we are still subservient.

It all started with Adam.

You know, when he said,

"Yo, Eve. Get me an apple,
would you, babe?"

And she did.

And now you are gonna repeat
that same mistake

by giving Steve
a pool table.

You can't draw
parallels there.

That's like comparing
apples and pool tables.

We're talking
symbols here,

and what they
do to men.

You see,
they start out normal,

and then puberty happens.

And suddenly, they're
acting like peacocks

and thinking
they're Italian.

You know,
a lot of people

say that puberty
has to do with hormones.

I blame it on poolrooms.

You see, that's where
they hang out,

elbow each other,
smoke cigars,

and make up names
for boobs.

But Steve seems
to really want this room.

Yeah. Just like Al really wanted
the basement for his room.

You know, that's why
we bought this dump.

Because it had a basement.

I wanted a sewing room.

You know, someplace
I could go and drink wine

and hide from the kids.

Al wanted to build a boat.

A boat he'll never finish.

So once again,

a woman gives up
her dream for a man.

Don't do it, Marcie.

Ruin Steve's dream now
for the both of us.

I'm not sure that's
the best solution.

Marcie, I didn't want
to have to tell you this,

but the women
in the neighborhood

really look up to you.

Really?

Mm. They know they
can't do what you do

because they're married
to men like Al,

men who look at their own
ear wax and smile with pride.

But you give us hope.

You and your
Susan B. Anthony--

or should I say,

Marcie B. Rhoades
Aerobics Studio?

I had no idea.

I know you didn't.

You've got to do it, Marcie.

Let the women look to you
and admire you,

oh, except for those two women
who live in the brown house

and say they're sisters.

Don't let them
admire you too much.

I don't know.

Steve's so unselfish
and kind and sharing.

Is he?

Come on, Steve.
Let's go home.

I think we have something
to talk about.

Yes, we do.

I've decided
I want a pool table.

Ha! And a bag of apples
too, I suppose.

I'd like to think
I can have apples if I want to.

They're coming,

and they've
made a decision.

Here they come.

Marcie's walking in front,
and she's got the plans.

Yeah, but Steve's
eating an apple.

Well, we've been
talking for hours,

and we've reached
a decision.

Well, what's it
gonna be?

We decided to build

an all-purpose room
for both of us.

It's going to be
a sitting room

where we can escape

the pressures
of the living room,

where we can be
alone together

for uninterrupted
quality time.

It's going to have
a bay window,

a love seat,
and a loom.

Yes, because we've always
wanted a loom with a view.

I guess all that's left

is for you guys
to sign the variance.

Uh...I don't know.

What do you think, Peg?

I don't know.

It's an awful lot
of digging

and hammering
early in the morning.

And the dust.
Oh.

Yeah, I gotta be honest
with you guys,

It seems like
a lot of trouble to us,

and for what?

You don't need
another room.

I can't believe
you would entice us

with a room
that we might enjoy

when all you wanted was for us
to sign the variance.

We don't like
to be manipulated.

I feel so used.

I think you two
better leave.

You're the ones who said
we should build a room.

Little late for
an apology now.

I expected
better of you.

But we ordered
a loom.

That was a little presumptuous,
wasn't it, Marcie?

Now just a second, Al,

because I've reached
my boiling point.

Easy, honey.

Not this time.

I listened to
your Einstein theory,

I listened to your
"Man's castle is in his pants,"

and I watched while your wife

tried to shatter
my wife's hourglass figure.

And now you are gonna hear
what I have to say.

STEVE:
Vive la France!

The nerve
of those two, eh?

I guess I'll
have to go on

being her guest
at the health club.

Hey, Peg. You think
there's any room

for a pool table
in our basement?

Yeah, if you wanna
get rid of the boat.

Oh, honey,
we can't do that.

We're gonna sail
the Great Lakes

on that baby someday,

just you and me.

The freedom of the sea.

I'm gonna finish it
too, Peg.

I know you will, Al.

And I'm gonna
vacuum someday too.

I know you will, Peg.

Hey, honey...

I thought of a great
name for the boat.

You know what
I'm gonna call it?

The Al Bundy.

I'm think I'm gonna
go down in the basement

and look at it right now.

Bud, are we
in the basement?

No, Mom.

Then what do we do?

[AL SCREAMS]

[THUDDING]

[***]