01x10 - Al Loses His Cherry

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Go together like ♪

♪ A horse and carriage ♪

♪ This I tell ya, brother ♪

♪ You can't have one ♪

♪ Without the other ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ It's an institute ♪

♪ You can't disparage ♪

♪ Ask the local gentry ♪

♪ And they will say
It's elementary ♪

♪ Try, try, try
To separate them ♪

♪ It's an illusion ♪

♪ Try, try, try
And you will only come ♪

♪ To this conclusion ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪♪

Kelly, breakfast!

And be quiet, honey!

Don't wake your father!

Oh, Bud, you eat so fast.

That's because
you cook so good.

Bye, Mom.

Not so fast.
You're not going anywhere

without a good,
healthy breakfast.

Mother, I'm .
I'm old enough

to know how to use
a vending machine.

Get over here
and eat.

God, I hate
to eat sitting down.

I think she should
clean her plate like I did.

Sure, Mom.

I'm stuffed.

They're waiting for me
at the mall.

What do you do
at the mall, anyway?

Nothing.

You know
what they do?

Sometimes they look
in the shoe store...

and laugh at Daddy.

Well, all the kids do.

It's not like
they know he's my father.

And they never will,

if you want to live
to hang your next rat.

I'd ground
both of you,

but then that would mean
you'd be here all day.

So, your punishment is
you're grounded tomorrow

when your father's home,
and I'm out shopping.

Can I go now?

Please.

Where's my miniature
golf coupon?

It's in the drawer.

What's this
with the fake engraving?

Oh, that's
the invitation

to your cousin
Harriet's wedding.

Oh, puke.

Harriet.

You don't
have to go.

The thing is, your father and I
have to go out of town for it.

Bud, who can you stay with?

I'm not allowed
in anybody's house.

Well, we'll
find someone.

[AL COUGHS LOUDLY]

Daddy's up.

Well, we'll
see you later.

Okay. Be home by .

Oh, and Bud,
don't bite anyone.

And Kelly, don't
get anything pierced.

Yeah, Mom.

Morning.

Coffee.

In the pot.

Boy, I love it when you
get up before I do,

and I got the bed
all to myself.

Gee, you'd never know it,

the way you put your foot
on my behind and push.

Here's your
breakfast, honey.

Mmm. Oh, just
how I like them.

Ah, you dirty,
shiftless bag of...

Al, don't feed that
to the dog.

The cholesterol
is very bad for him.

Bacon?

Boy,
I hate Saturdays.

Damn kids come to the mall
and make fun of me.

Yeah.
Wouldn't it be nice

if we could go off together,
just the two of us?

Not really.

You know where
I'd really like to go?

Where?

Milwaukee.

I smell your family
coming on.

What's up, Peg,
Beer Fest ' ?

Is it time
for your mother

to defend her
keg-sucking crown?

Is she moving up

into the heavyweight division
this year?

Can't stand
that a woman won, huh?

Hey, there were
a lot of people there

demanding
chromosome tests.

Just you and Dad.

I don't care, Peg.

I'm not going to one
of your family gatherings.

It's not a gathering,
it's a wedding.

Who's getting married?

Harriet.

Harriet?

You mean someone
answered the ad?

Some people
will do anything

to keep
from being deported.

Hey, Jose
is a very nice man,

and his English
is coming along just fine.

Me habla not going.

Al, we have to go.

The whole family
is coming.

Oh, really. How about Elmo,
the human surprise?

Are they bringing him?

You know, he makes
a very good living.

Well, they won't have his cage
at the wedding, Peg.

Well, you have to admit,

there's one good thing
about my family.

They gave you me.

Getting me sentimental
ain't gonna work with me, Peg.

Now, you send Harriet
a card,

you give Jose a copy of
the Pledge of Allegiance,

but I'm not going.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yes, you are, and you cannot
walk out on this argument.

Watch me.

Fine, but when you come home,

we're picking up
where we left off.

That's fine.
Then I'm not coming home.

Eh, you'll
be coming home,

and Mr. and Mrs. Bundy
will be attending.

♪ You're once, twice
Three times a lady ♪♪

See, I told you.

You can dance
in these shoes.

Well, I'll take them.

Luke, what
are you doing?

Selling shoes, man.

You work on commission,
you go the extra mile,

And that, my friend,
is the extra mile.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

Oh, your son
is very nice.

Yeah, she must have been
something , years ago.

Get away from me, Luke.

Hey, Al. You know,

there's something
I've learned over the years,

Whenever someone yells at me,
it's not me.

How could it be?

So, what's wrong?

I had a fight
with my wife.

I knew it wasn't me.

How bad was it?

Well, I got pretty mad.
So I laid down the law.

I told her
I'm not coming home!

So, uh...where can I
get some flowers, cheap?

I thought you said
you weren't going home.

Let's face it. I've got
no choice. I have to.

That's the trouble

when you're married
with children.

They know
you're coming home.

Al.

What?

What do you think I should
have for lunch?

Hey, I'm pouring out
my heart here.

I'm sorry.
I thought you were done.

No, I'm not.

I'm not at all.

I gotta find
a place to stay.

I can't afford a hotel.

If I go home,
then I'm saying I'm sorry,

so I can't go home,
I gotta...

make her wonder,
make her...worry,

make her...miss me.

Then I can go home,
so she can yell at me.

Where am I gonna stay?

Everybody comes
to the answer man.

The choice
is obvious, Al.

You set up a cot
in the stock room.

I'm staying
with you, Luke.

For free?

Yes.

You know, I haven't done
something like this

in a long time.

Yeah, kick back with a buddy
and a six-pack and be men.

You know, Luke, I...

This is really helping me out.
Thanks a lot.

Hey, the day Luke Ventura
can't help a friend,

that's the day he's got
something better to do.

MAN:
The divorce judge
will now render his verdict.

JUDGE:
Mr. Gannon, your lovely bride
of eight months

deserves far better
than you.

I can't grant her that,
but I can grant her...

percent
of your net worth...

your Ferrari
and your stocks.

And you, Mr. Gannon...

you get the children.

This court is adjourned.

What a great show!

Oh, yeah. You know,
that's a real judge.

More coffee?
Okay.

Listen, Marce,

Al and I have to go out of town
to a wedding next week.

Do you think you
could watch the house?

Sure.
I love weddings.

Where are
they registered?

Department
of Immigration.

How ' s.

Well, if you can't
find anything there,

we have a lot
of good gift catalogues.

Why don't you and Al
come over later?

Better yet,
come over without Al.

I'm afraid I'd have to.

He's mad at me
about the wedding.

We had this big fight.

He was so cute.

He said
he wasn't coming home.

You don't
seem too concerned.

Marcie, this is Al.

I mean, where's
he gonna go?

He might drive around
for a while

till he has to use
the bathroom and eat.

Then he'll come
slinking back,

pretending
nothing happened,

and we'll go to bed,
and nothing will happen.

Well, I'd be worried if Steve
threatened not to come home.

According to my book,
Man and Other Primates,

after a marital spat,

the man is most vulnerable
to outside stimuli.

What does that mean?

There are a lot of man-hungry
barracudas out there.

The first little wink,

his shoes
will be under her bed.

Well, that should
end it right there.

Here it is,
home of the big boy.

I can't believe
you live in a building

where all your neighbors
are stewardesses.

I used to live in a building
with a lot of married people.

Sure, the sex was great
during the day,

but it got lonely
at night.

Take a load off.
Sit down.

No TV?

It's in the bedroom
with the cameras.

You want a drink?

Yeah, uh...
got some scotch?

I got everything.

One of the many benefits
of living in a stew zoo.

You want a deck of cards
or a barf bag or something?

Nah, I'm cool.

Peggy must be
eating her heart out.

If she could see me now.

What a night,
huh, buddy?

I'm gonna kind of
get comfortable.

You make yourself
at home, buddy.

Yeah.

Eat your heart out, Peg.

♪ By the time
I get to Phoenix ♪

♪ She'll be risin' ♪

♪ Hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hmm hmm hmm her hair ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi.
Hi.

We're the Cherry
sisters.

Terry and Sherry
Cherry.

I'm, uh...
uh...

Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.

Luke!
Luke!

Cherries!

We brought you this.

Our mother taught us never
to go anyplace empty-handed.

Or without a dime
for a phone call.

Oh, we didn't
bring anything for you.

Would you like our dime?

Aren't they sweet, Al?

Uh, Al! Al Bundy.
That's right.

Ladies, I'd like you
to meet my friend,

Al "The King" Bundy.

LUKE:
Let's get
comfortable here.

Come on.

Ooh,
you redecorated.

Oh, I love it.

It's kind of
a Wild Kingdom feel.

I like it.

Luke, you know,
Sherry and I were just talking,

and I really need
a man's opinion.

Okay.
Come sit on my lap.

Sure.

I don't know
what to do.

My boyfriend wants
to move in with me,

but he still wants
to see other people.

Let me tell you something.

You don't let him move in

unless he's willing
to make a commitment.

Thanks, Luke.

So you wanna go
in the bedroom?

Sure, as long as I'm here.

Everyone comes
to the answer man.

♪ You're once, twice
Three times a lady ♪

♪ And I love... ♪

♪ You ♪♪

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

So, what do you
do, Al?

Oh, I'm a, I'm a...

You know, a shoe thing.

They're gonna
be in there a while.

Looks like
you're stuck with me.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hi, sis.

Gee, you and Harriet
must really be excited.

Oh, I wanted to tell you

that Al and I
are coming to the wedding.

Well, don't cry.
I have to bring Al.

Jose called off
the wedding?!

Why?

He won the lottery?

Oh, poor Harriet.

Well, I'll tell Al.

He'll just be devastated,

but maybe we'll see you
for Schnitzel Week.

Love you too.

[PEG SIGHS]

Hi, Kel.

Hi, Mom.

Is Dad
in the bathroom?

No.

If he's not
in the bathroom

and he's not
watching television,

where else
could he be?

I think your father's
working late.

The shoe store
closed hours ago.

You had a fight,
didn't you?

Of course not.
What would we fight about?

The fact that you
have no money

and Bud and I are
great disappointments to you.

You are not
disappointments.

Look, we did have a fight,
but don't worry.

Your father
will be home soon.

Well, I hope
wherever Dad is,

he's nowhere near
another woman.

Mom,
I hate to tell you,

but as a boyfriend
stealer myself,

the best time
to get them

is right
after a fight.

Oh, who would
want your father?

Mom, let me tell you...

When a woman gets
to be around your age,

they get real desperate.

I've seen them
at the mall.

Their hungry, vacant eyes
scanning the escalators,

pretending to shop
near the men's dressing rooms,

praying that
some man, any man,

will walk up and say,

"Does this tie
go with this shirt?"

I don't have
to tell you what's next.

Can I have
Dad's chicken?

Sure, honey. Why don't you
take it upstairs.

Oh, look.
Don't worry about Daddy.

He'll be home soon,

and I know where he is.

He's over at Telly's Bar

having a beer, watching the game
on the big screen,

lying about how many
shoes he's sold.

Hello, Telly?

Is Al Bundy there?

Well, could you
check the bathroom?

So my sister and I
got jobs as stewardesses

because we thought

that's the way
to become pilots.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

The reason she's in first class
and I'm in coach

is 'cause she's much
smarter than I am.

One time I went
into the cockpit

and I actually saw her
sitting on the pilot's lap

helping him fly
the plane.

She must have
been very good,

because he told
the copilot to get out.

You know, you have
very strong forearms.

Yeah.

It must be from
all that flushing.

Well, that and,
you know, working out.

Yeah. You know, men are
always making passes at me

because they think
stews are easy,

but we're not.

TERRY:
Oh, Luke!

Luke, Luke!

He's not
out here, sis!

Let me ask you
something, Al.

What does a nice guy
look for in a girl?

Uh...you.

Really.
You're beautiful,

and you're blond,

and, uh...

you're facing me.

I like that in a woman.

Don't worry. The right guy
is going to come along.

You know, I really feel
comfortable with you,

like I can talk to you
and be myself.

I don't have to live up

to any of those
stereotyped expectations

everyone has
of a stewardess.

You know,
always waiting on people,

attending to their needs.

Would you care
for a beverage?

No, thanks.

I'm looking for
a serious commitment,

Someone who'll
stay the night.

Then I gotta think there's
some guy out there for you.

I hope so.

See, I'm not like
my sister.

I need a man
to make me whole.

Ooh...

Well, I think
I'd better get going.

You want a massage?

Sure.

Ooh, you're tense.

And there are
tears in my eyes.

Well, I better
get going home.

Can I come with you?

What are my chances
Peg's in a coma?

No.

Listen, I know that
I'm in a bachelor's pad,

and that I've got
the forearms of a Java man,

but I gotta tell you...

I'm married...

with children.

That's okay.

Excuse me.

Uh, listen, you're
really, really great,

and any guy would be lucky

I mean, jackpot lucky,
to be with you,

but I hope
you'll understand.

See, I've been married
a long time,

and it just
wouldn't be right.

You got any pictures
of yourself?

No. No, that wouldn't
be right either.

Listen, I gotta go.

Take care.

You are so honorable.

Your wife must be
really wonderful.

Well, she's a pip...

But she's my pip.

Hey, guys.

You wanna make a movie?

Yes, I do.

Goodbye.

Yes, I do.

[CAR PULLS UP]

Oh, gee, Al,

I'm so glad you're home.

Wear this.

[***]