01x12 - Where is the Boss?

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Go together like ♪

♪ A horse and carriage ♪

♪ This I tell ya, brother ♪

♪ You can't have one ♪

♪ Without the other ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ It's an institute ♪

♪ You can't disparage ♪

♪ Ask the local gentry ♪

♪ And they will say
It's elementary ♪

♪ Try, try, try
To separate them ♪

♪ It's an illusion ♪

♪ Try, try, try
And you will only come ♪

♪ To this conclusion ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪♪

Mom, you're cooking!

Well,
it's not every year

Kelly gets promoted
to the next grade.

You know, Kel, for a while there
I was catching up with you.

Another couple of years

and we'd have been
in the same grade.

You could have gone out
with my friend Moosie.

Oh, I couldn't.

Word around school
is that you're dating him.

Come on now, kids.
We're Bundys.

How often do we
get to be happy?

Kelly, I'm so proud of you.

I remember your
first day of school,

How we both cried.

And then you discovered boys,

and I discovered
daytime television.

You know one of these days

you're gonna marry one
of those boys,

and then you'll discover
daytime television.

Is it okay if
I have a life first, Mom?

Sure, give it a try.

Hi, honey.

Peg, I heard some bad news
on the radio driving home.

If you don't use it,
you lose it?

What do I care?
You already got it.

Hey, you know Gary,
the guy who owns the shoe store,

well, he was in a plane

that crashed into the ocean
off the coast of Hawaii.

Gee, everybody gets
to go to Hawaii but us.

Peg, for a change,
you don't understand.

A human life has
just been snuffed out.

Who's going to sign
my paycheck?

What's to sign?

They just hand you
a roll of nickels.

Well, it isn't anything compared
to what you bring home,

like the swine flu you brought
back from your family reunion.

Look, I could end up
unemployed here.

Now, how am I gonna
pay my bills?

Well, if Kelly
ever graduates,

we're gonna have
a heck of a lawsuit

against the board
of education.

We can't count on that, Bud.

You know, they already
call us the Poor Bundys.

I mean, what will they call us
when we have no money?

Those darn poachers?

Eh, what am I worried about?
They're not gonna fire me.

I got experience, I got...

They're not gonna fire me.

You know what really bothers me
about this death thing?

Here's a guy lying dead
at the bottom of the ocean.

And he never even took
the time to meet me.

Well, I bet he's sorry now, Al.

Yeah, you bet.

You know, I worked
for this guy for years

and he never even knew
that I was alive.

You know, I never thought
of this before,

but I deserve
some recognition.

Everybody deserves a pat
on the back every now and then.

Yeah,
what about me, Al?

I'm sorry, honey. I was talking
about people who work.

Now there will be new owners
that will ignore me.

Well, you know, after the family
stops bereaving and all.

You know, Al,
maybe we should send

something special
to the family.

Yeah? How about scuba gear
and a body bag?

No, you're right, Peg.

We ought to get something
big and expensive.

I don't think they'd
appreciate your father,

so, uh...we'll have
to do with flowers.

Al, you never even met Gary.

That's the whole point.

When they see
my present,

they'll
remember Al Bundy.

Well, if you wanted that,

why don't you just
send them your socks?

Mom, how do we know
this tuna isn't dad's boss?

Because we bought it
last year.

I'm gonna call
the florist right now.

You know, Al, all this talk
about death makes you think.

I mean, one minute
the breadwinner is still alive,

and then the next...

You have insurance,
don't you, Al?

Kelly, the guys
in here are naked.

If I ever see anything like this
in your room again,

you can just
kiss it goodbye.

Hello!

Well, they sent
the flowers out.

I sent
so many flowers,

they'll forget
about Gary.

Did you ever think
about sending me flowers, Al?

Why would I do that?
You're still alive.

Well, they should've been
delivered by now.

Stay off the phone.

The family will probably
be calling any minute.

For bucks,
they better.

$ ? Al, where
did you get $ ?

Our vacation money.

Oh, Al, I was planning
on spending that on clothes.

It's all right.

Our future begins
with Gary's death.

Come on, phone, ring.

Tell me
you got the flowers.

"What a guy! We're gonna
give you a raise."

Come on, ring.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello.

Al, it's
the door.

Get it.
I'm on the phone.

Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey, Al, did you
hear about Gary?

Yeah, he's dead.
Great tragedy, and all that.

Stay off my phone.

[RING]

Hello.

That's the oven
timer, Al.

You cooked?

No, it's just
a reminder to order dinner.

Don't use my phone.

Gary's widow
is gonna call.

No, she's not, Al.

Gary's not dead.

We just heard it
on the news.

He's alive?
Are you sure?

Your boss
is quite a guy, Al.

A self-made millionaire.

He was flying
his own jet,

had an equipment failure,
bailed out,

and washed ashore
at a topless hula school.

They made him a litter
from their grass skirts

and nursed him to health.

They think he's a god.

So do I.

Aw, gee, isn't
that great news, Al?

You just spent $
on flowers for a millionaire

so that your family
could starve

and your wife
could go naked.

Believe me, Peg,

I'd k*ll before
I let you go naked.

And no jury would
convict me, either.

All right, all right, so this
guy's still alive. Fine, good.

So, when he gets home,
he'll see the flowers,

see how much I care,

and I'll still
get my raise.

This'll be the best bucks
I ever spent.

I don't think he's going
to see your flowers, Al.

They said the family sent
all the flowers

out to his favorite
charities.

Oh, well, gee,
I hope they send some

to the poor
and stupid home,

'cause that's where
we'll be in a few years.

I told you we're not going
to live with your mother.

Well, Al, at least you have
a boss who is still alive.

Stand back.
It's Mardi gras time.

I got the same stinking
job I always had,

but I'm out bucks.

The only thing
I ever wanted

out of this death
was a little recognition.

Now, not only
is Gary not dead,

he still doesn't
know I'm alive.

But you know, honey,
sometimes at night,

I'm not sure, either...

But then you burp.

You know, Peg, why
don't we just get you

a pointed hat
with a bell on top?

Then you could
squirt me with seltzer.

Doesn't anybody understand
what I'm talking about?

I work for a guy who wouldn't
spit on me if he saw me.

Aw, come on, Al.

Don't be so hard
on yourself.

I'm sure he'd spit
on you if he saw you.

Yeah, I'm sure you're out there
sh**ting hoops

with Mr. Savings and Loan.

Look, I don't know
the guy who owns the bank.

Who knows his boss today?
Who cares?

Well, I do.

I'm going
to meet my boss.

He owes me that.

I'm tracking him down.

I'm going
to give Gary days

to meet me face to face
in Chicago.

He's going to shake my hand,
he's going to say,

"Thank you, Al Bundy.
Nice job."

What if he doesn't?

Then I'm going to quit.

[HUMMING]

Mom, what are
you humming about?

This is the day Dad said
he's going to quit.

So young, so young.

Your father's
not going to quit.

From the time he gets home
to the time he goes to sleep,

he hasn't talked
about anything else.

Yes, but have you notice,
in the last week,

he hasn't mentioned it at all?

That's just your father's
way of saying, "Oops!"

Don't worry, honey.

Your father's
not going to quit.

I don't know.
He's a proud man, Mom.

Of what, dear?

I don't know,

but in case
you're wrong,

I figured out a couple
of ways for us to cut back.

Oddly enough, they
all involve Kelly.

I say we make
a clean break right now

before we become
attached to her.

Bud, she's my daughter.

She's my sister and I'm willing
to give her up.

All right. Who put
this ad in the paper?

"Cheap blond,
, looks ...

"seeks job out of state,

No reading
or writing, please."

Now listen, the day
that I have to get a job,

is the day that I walk
out of this house.

I feel the same way.

Dad's not really
going to quit is he?

I mean, it's like
you always tell me...

"If a man doesn't work,
he's no use at all."

Don't you think
your father knows that?

Just don't say anything
to anyone about Gary,

and I'm sure this
whole thing will blow over.

As long as no one knows,

your father
will never quit.

Five, four, three, two, one!

Goodbye, Al!

So long, shoe man.

You guys
are pretty jolly.

Don't you understand
I'm doing this for us,

the little guys...

And one large woman.

If I can meet my boss,
maybe you can meet yours.

I don't want
to meet my boss, Al.

I steal.

Hey, we came
to see you leave.

Don't let us down.

I'm going.
I'm going.

Wait a second.

Have you seen any sign of a rich
guy in the parking lot?

A helicopter, a plane,
a guy in a suit, anything?

Let me check.

Hey, Ed, do you see
the rich guy coming?

I can't quite hear you.

Some guy in a ski mask

just set off his car
alarm trying to get in.

Hey, mister, no need
to break that window.

I got a coat hanger
you can use.

Look, I got
another appointment.

So if you're not gonna leave,

at least impale yourself
on your shoehorn.

I said I was going,
and I'm going,

but let me
tell you something.

I'm not going
to just disappear.

You'll see me again.

Wherever a fat woman
shoves a smelly foot

in front of some
poor guy's face...

I'll be there.

Whenever someone
comes into the store

and tries to exchange
a pair of shoes

he's been wearing
for three months,

I'll be there.

Whenever
kids come in,

take off
their old shoes,

and try to sneak out
with new ones,

I'll be there too.

Madam...

When Shamu needs a mate,

you'll be there.

Gee, Al, it's almost
: in the afternoon.

You think you might
want to get dressed?

What for?

Aesthetics, and so
you'll look more dignified

when you go beg
for your job back.

I can't do that. You know what
would happen if I went back?

Yeah, I could go back
to enjoying my days.

What do you think I like
being here with you?

It's not like I haven't
checked out the want ads.

Look at this.

All these jobs want a college
degree or computer skills,

or worse... references.

What am I supposed to do?

Stoop as low as this
cheap blond

who can't read or write?

I don't know.

Maybe I should have gone
into my father's line of work.

Al, they have a*t*matic
pinsetters now.

Ah, it's probably
just as well.

I remember many's a night
he'd wake up in a cold sweat

yelling, "Wait! Wait!"

Hey, kids, your father
just moved.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna watch the ballgame.

Excuse me. Spell That Word
is coming on.

And Al, during the day,

this remote control
is mine.

And now, for the His
and Her Car Wax...

Uh-oh, this
is a long one...

Spell newspaper.

[NO AUDIO]

Take me, Trevor,
take me.

Take me.

Where?

Who's that?

That's Jade, the one
with the haunted past.

I thought Iris has
the haunted past.

That's another show.

Ooh, this really
is better, Jane.

Who's that?

All, that's the lady
who sells soap.

It's a commercial.

I can't stand this anymore.

You've been home for one day.

And you are
driving me crazy.

What did I do?
How am I driving you crazy?

Who's that?

Oh...

Go back to work!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Who's that?

Hello.
Hi.

We brought you
some leftovers.

Vegetarian fajitas
and tofu croquettes.

Now don't get
the wrong idea, Al.

We are
not doing this

because you're
out of work.

It's just a coincidence,
we happened to make too much.

You'd really be
doing us a favor

taking it off
our hands.

Ah, who are we kidding?
It's charity.

So, how you doing buddy,

enjoying your first day
out of work?

Ooh, nice pajamas.

Unemployment's really agreeing
with you, big guy.

Well, it all comes down
to priorities.

What's more important,
pride or money?

Money, Al.

I love it.

I love
to look at it,

be around it,
and count it.

That's why I went
into the bank biz.

But that's me,
and you're out of work.

But hang in there,
there's plenty of work

for a man with
your qualifications.

Did you ever try
to shoe a horse, Al?

You know, you are tall enough
to be Goofy at Disney World.

Of course, you'd
have to relocate,

But they have real nice
trailer parks there.

You're enjoying
yourself, aren't you, Steve?

Remember what you
did to my dog, Al?

Yes, I do.

To continue, then.

You could get yourself
some flowers and sell them

at the expressway
off-ramp.

Now, Steve.

Oh, can't I
do one more?

Well...okay.

You could
sell your blood, Al.

They give you juice
and cookies afterwards.

Gee, Al, if you could
stagger home

without spilling the juice,

that would be dinner
for the family.

Personally, Al,
I admire your conviction.

Throughout history,
many men,

considered great
in retrospect,

had to stand alone
for their beliefs.

Although I think Al's
the first shoe salesman.

We're gonna go upstairs
and listen to some records.

Who's the guy
in the pajamas?

Is that your dad?

Are you kidding?

No, no.
My father's in prison.

Um...

That's just
my mom's boyfriend.

Oh, cool.

Do they
have to be here?

Yes, Al. Until the state
takes them from us.

Hey, Dad.

This is Teddy.

His dad's been unemployed
for seven years.

So he's gonna drop by tomorrow

and teach you how to play
a game called three-card monte.

Yeah, it really gets us through
some hard times,

and it doesn't interfere
with welfare.

Oh, kids, juice and cookies
for supper tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Peg, but after
years of marriage,

I have no blood
left to give.

I have no choice,
I'm going back to work.

Oh, that's wonderful, Al.

I'll tell you what, I'll
bring the kids down tomorrow.

You can buy us lunch.

I just love you so much more
when you're not at home.

Poor Al. He really
thought he was somebody.

We knew he wasn't.

Gee, I guess we
should have told him.

You think we should
tell him now?

Yeah.

Al, you're
not somebody.

But then,
neither are we.

Sure, we made
fun of you,

but deep down
we were really hoping

the rich guy
would show.

All of us mall guys
feel that way.

You were right, Ed.

He came crawling back
after one day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, I guess they
ran out of bags

at the jewelry store.

These two guys are carrying
the stuff out loose.

Hey, slow down, boys.

It's too hot to be running
in this heat.

God, this is ugly.

That's your
reflection, Kel.

Hi, honey. I was going
to bring you a sandwich

you know, to save some money,
but then I figured, why bother?

Let's go eat.

Well, well, well.

Prince of
the Penny Loafers.

King of the Canvas-backed
High Tops.

He's back.

You're back.

Well, where's
your pride now, shoe man?

Hey, Al,
isn't she the one

that got wedged
in the escalator?

You must be the wife.

And you must be why
they're starving in China.

Is Al Bundy around?

Over there.

Another spectator.

Go ahead.
Take your shot.

I'm not sure what
you're talking about.

I just want to meet
Al Bundy and shake his hand.

Just who are you?

Gary. Gary Patterson.
I own this place.

You're Ga...

You're Gary?

Our Gary from Gary's
Shoes and Accessories

for Today's Woman?

I'm Al Bundy.

You know something?
I got your letter,

and it really
affected me.

After years of sleeping
with beautiful women

and living life
just for fun,

I thought I'd
visit the trenches,

say thanks, and get
back to the beach.

You know, I know a great beach
over at my house.

Uh, Gar, as you
might have guessed,

this is the wife.

Hit the showers,
Peg.

Al, I want you to know

I appreciate what
you're doing here.

One day, I would like
to have you on my yacht.

Of course I won't,

but I want you to know that the
next beautiful woman I bed down

is dedicated to you.

Could you make it
a blond?

They make life
worth living, don't they?

I wouldn't know.

How about
showing me around?

Sure.

Yeah, well, over here
we have some shoes.

And over here's
more shoes.

Eh, here's
an old bag.

Back here in the stockroom

is where we keep
the rest of the shoes.

Gee, he did it.

He actually
got the owner here.

You should
be proud, kids.

There's a very special
man in there,

and he's talking
to your father.

You see, Daddy
really does count.

Twenty-three, , .

The deal was for .

Worth every penny.

They really thought
you were Gary, Nick.

I've got alimony.
I'll do anything for money.

Twenty-six, ... excuse me.

[***]