01x13 - Johnny B. Gone

[bunniefuu]

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Go together like ♪

♪ A horse and carriage ♪

♪ This I tell ya, brother ♪

♪ You can't have one ♪

♪ Without the other ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪

♪ It's an institute ♪

♪ You can't disparage ♪

♪ Ask the local gentry ♪

♪ And they will say
It's elementary ♪

♪ Try, try, try
To separate them ♪

♪ It's an illusion ♪

♪ Try, try, try
And you will only come ♪

♪ To this conclusion ♪

♪ Love and marriage ♪♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, why doesn't
somebody move this?

Hi!
Hi!

Have you seen Al?

Too many times.

I can't believe
he's not here yet.

Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he's okay.

Who cares if he's okay?

We've got minutes

to get to the closing
of Johnny B. Goode's.

They're tearing it
down tomorrow morning.

The burger place?

Oh, it is much more
than a burger place.

They've got fries.

You know,
it's really a shame

that they would tear down
a landmark like that.

People come from miles around
just to get a burger...

and to look at the grease
stain on the wall

where Al used
to rest his head.

And to think some people
waste their time

going to Yellowstone.

It's really gonna be
a night to remember.

After all the people
who have tickets get in,

they're gonna
close all the doors.

Then people all over town
are gonna honk their horns

in a fond farewell.

Sort of like Al does
in a funeral procession.

It sounds like you've got
a lot of memories there.

More than
anywhere else.

After all,
it's where I met

the man I wanted to spend
the rest of my life with.

And I met Al there too.

Where could he be?
Oh, well.

He wouldn't miss this.

This is one of the few places
that still lets him in.

So I see you're all ready
for your big night.

Well...

it's not just
my big night.

I hope my dinner
party goes well.

See, if I get the
manager's position

at Kyoto National,

then Steve is in line
for my old job at our bank.

I was hoping they'd
give it to a woman,

but out of respect for Steve,
I'm staying neutral.

That's nice.

It was so
nice of you to let us

keep our poached salmon
in your refrigerator.

Ours was so full already.

Al didn't touch it,
did he?

No. He actually liked
having it around.

He said it gave
the refrigerator

kind of a foody smell.

Well, I'm off
to cement our future.

Oh!

Look at my dress!

Look at my fish!

Look at my floor!

I've got to go home
and change.

Keep an eye
on my fish.

It's keeping
an eye on you.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

The bankers
just pulled up.

You sure it's not Al?

Al doesn't drive
a Mercedes

with the license
plate "YEN MEN."

I can't go over there
like this!

You could wear
something of mine.

Maybe I can go
over there like this.

No, I can wash this out by hand
and throw it in your dryer.

That should only take
minutes.

What about your company?

Oh, Steve can stall
for that long.

He'll just show them
our river-rafting slides.

Got any Woolite?

Oh, yeah. I got some
as a gag gift for my birthday.

It's upstairs
in the bathroom.

Thanks!

You can keep it,

but just leave me the bow.

Al...

loves...

Peggy.

Sorry I'm late,
but I was in such a rush,

I sideswiped a car

parked out in front
of Steve and Marcie's house.

Well, if they can afford
to buy a Mercedes,

they can afford
to pay for it.

Didn't you leave a note?

Sure I did. I said,
"Next time, buy American."

Come on, Peg, hurry up.

We gotta get
to the restaurant.

We're in the group
that's going in first.

Number eight.

You're kidding. How did you
get such a low number?

You know how Bud's
always complaining

I don't let him
stay out late enough?

So I told him he could sleep
on the sidewalk last night

at Johnny B. Goode's,
and he got us number eight.

Bud wasn't home
last night?

Oh, well. At least he was
doing something worthwhile.

Man, I'm starved.
I can't wait to sink my teeth

into one of those burgers
one last time,

and those great fries.

I still hold
the record.

I think I can still eat
bags in one sitting.

Oh, you are great, honey.

It stinks in here.

What's that thing?

Oh, that's Marcie's fish.

She spilled it
on her dress.

She's upstairs
washing it out

Look.
I wrote you something.

Aww...

"Al loves Piggy."

That ought to be
an E, Al.

I'll fix it.

I think I got
the stain out.

Oh, Al, I didn't know
you were here.

Well, there goes
my appetite...

and my favorite towel.

Marcie, I'll put that
in the dryer for you.

Who's been playing
in my fish?

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!

After they get past number
eight, we can't get in!

Oh, I'm ready, Al.

I'm sorry, Marce,
but we gotta go.

I'll be okay. Does the dryer
buzz when it's finished?

How would I know?

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

My life is over.

That's nice, honey.

If you're hungry, there's
sandwiches on the table

and little fish bits
on the floor.

Life stinks.

Yeah, well, it doesn't
get any better.

We'll be at
Johnny B. Goode's.

Wait a minute, Al.

We can't go
with Kelly like this.

Why not?

Life will stink
tomorrow.

I know mine will.

All right.

Kelly, this usually
takes an hour.

I say,
"What's the matter?"

You say, "Nothing."
I say, "Come on, honey,

I know something's
wrong. What is it?"

You say, "Nothing."

So let's cut the crap.
What's wrong?

Nothing.

Come on, honey,

I know something's wrong.
What is it?

And keep in mind I haven't
eaten anything all day.

Okay.

Well, Judy's having a party

for all the kids who count,

and I wasn't invited.

Well, honey, if they
were really friends--

BOTH:
...they would have
invited you.

Well, thanks
a lot, Mom.

So what you're trying to tell me
is I have no friends.

That's great. Why don't
you really cheer me up

and tell me again
how lucky I am

to have inherited
the Bundy forehead?

I can't believe it.

I just have to face it.

I'm not popular anymore.

And I've got the forehead
of a dolphin.

Hey, that's
one smart fish.

Oh, I'm ruined!

Well, at least we'll know
where she is tonight.

I'd better go up
and talk to her.

Peg, we got number eight.

We got seven minutes
to get there.

If she starts crying,
give her some money.

That always works
with you.

I don't know.

My parents never talked to me
when I had a problem,

and I turned out fine.

We're never gonna make it.

I got an idea.

Do you see a fish eye?

No, but I see
a chicken leg.

Hello, Johnny B. Goode's?
Who's this?

Hey, Spike, it's Al.
You got a minute?

The hell with the
People magazineinterview.

You gotta do me a favor.

You know my friend
Fat Charlie?

Yeah, the fat one.

He's got number ,
and I got .

Would you mind
if I traded with him?

Great. Would you go out
in the parking lot and tell him?

I'll get there
when I can, okay?

Rock 'n' roll forever.

Come on, Peg.

The fries aren't
getting any younger.

Neither are you.

Marcie, I got three questions
for you.

What are you doing
in a towel,

what am I supposed to do
with the Takahashi brothers,

and why didn't you tell me
you mixed our rafting slides in

with the ones of your sister
giving birth to the twins?

Well, number one,
I spilled.

Number two, get out our camera
and ask them how to use it.

And number three,

it's for a lecture I'm giving
at our women's group,

"Childbirth
and River Rafting:

Two of Nature's
Bumpy Rides."

Now go home,
go upstairs,

get me a dress,
and hurry!

Which dress?

The power dress.

Now, go!

Peg, does the phrase,
"Hurry the hell up"

mean anything to you?

I've taken care
of everything.

We are one phone call away

from this whole thing
being settled.

[RINGS]

Hello.

Kelly, it's for you!

That should do it.

Marcie,
make yourself at home.

Watch TV if you'd like.

Oh, and don't
pet the dog.

He might expect it
from us.

Come on, Peg.
Hurry up.

People magazine's
down there.

We might get
our picture taken.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Come on!

KELLY:
Mom!

How could you?

You made her mother
invite me?

It was bad enough not being
invited in the first place.

Now I'm the crybaby

who had her mother call
and beg to invite the nerd.

That's what I am now.
The nerd.

I spent years bleaching
and dying and piercing

just to create
this awesome image,

and it is shot to hell
with one phone call.

Oh, Daddy!

But I was number !

Honey,

I know how you're
feeling right now,

but look, things aren't
as bad as they seem.

Even nerds get married.

Look at Marcie.

Great. That's just how
I want to spend my life.

Sitting there
in my natural hair color,

fondling a dead fish.

Let me handle this, Al.

Kelly, honey, your friends
are mad at you now,

but you'll
be a celebrity

when they see the picture
of Daddy and me

in People magazine.

I'll be there with my hands
tied behind my back,

eating bags of fries.

Yeah, and I'll be
leading the crowd,

cheering, "Chug a spud!
Chug a spud! Chug a spud!"

Oh, how proud I'll be.

Look, you guys go
and have a good time.

I'll be okay.

If I'm gonna be a nerd, fine.
I can deal with it.

In fact, I'll start
practicing right now.

Read any good books
lately, Mrs. Rhoades?

As a matter of fact,
I have.

It's called
The Living Planet.

Would you k*ll me
with it, please?

No, look,
you guys just go.

I mean, after all,

if I had a chance
to have fun,

I wouldn't let one of your
problems stop me from going.

Of course,
I'm not a parent.

Our little Kelly
is really growing up, Al.

Sit up, dear.

That's how you get
the Bundy forehead.

Come on, Peg. We're
running out of time!

Hi, Dad. Mom.

Honey, there's dinner
on the table

right next to
your sister's head.

Where'd you put my car?
What car?

Dad, tonight's the finals

for the Run 'em
and Wreck 'em Rally.

I've got post position
in an hour.

Are there gonna be
any nerds there? I'll come.

You weren't invited,
Kel.

Bud, are you sure
I promised you?

Dad, you said
you'd fix it last night

if I'd sit on the cold pavement
in front of Johnny B. Goode's

with a bunch of sad old geezers
singing Beach Boys songs.

But did I promise?

Get the car, Bud.

We're never
gonna make it.

I probably don't have
enough time to fix the car.

Here, Peg. You go
and have a good time.

Aw, that's sweet, Al.

But I can't go
without you.

My memories of Johnny B. Goode's
are of us being together.

I'm glad to hear
you say that.

Because I had no intention
of giving you this ticket.

Hurry up, Bud!

Never wanted to get married.
I'm married.

Never wanted to have kids.
I got two of them.

How the hell
did this happen?

Hello, Spike? Al.

Listen,
is No-Jaw McKenzie there?

Yeah, the one
with no jaw.

Is she there?

Great. Listen,
she's got number .

Tell her I'll trade
my number for it, okay?

Yeah, thanks. Rock 'n' roll--
Yeah, something.

Give me the car.

Get out of my way.

Nice to spend these father/son
moments together, Dad.

Shut up.
I'm trying to read.

Oh, great.
This is Japanese.

Oh, here we go.

Uh, "Achtung!
Ihr hapft dikaf--"

These
aren't instructions.

It's the history
of World w*r II.

Oh, here it is.

Uh, "Attention.
Vous avez--"

Hell. More people
we should have k*lled.

Where's American?

Oh, here it is.

Here it is.

"Battery check before--

To put cable on,
be sure--"

Will you
hurry up, Al?

Yeah, I'll quit lollygagging
here any minute.

Bud, here. Put these
batteries in something.

See if they work.

Dad, can I ask you
something real quick?

Yeah, okay. What?

What's Mrs. Rhoades
doing in our living room

wearing your favorite towel?

You want to hear
a long, boring story

about a short,
boring woman,

or you want
your car fixed?

All right.
"Put the red terminal

in the...
leconduizez."

Oh. My friends
the French again.

"The conductor."

Why don't they just say,
"Put the red wire in the hole"?

Oh, here it is.
"Put the red wire in the hole."

So typical.

Over there solving
the male child's problems

while your daughter
takes the back seat.

You should be
used to that, Kel.

I know there was a mix-up
in the maternity ward.

Somewhere
in a game preserve,

two orangutans
are picking lice

off the head of my
real baby brother.

Al, talk to Kelly.

How was
your day, honey?

You're standing
in my light, Kelly!

Daddy...

You wanted advice,
I gave you advice.

You didn't want advice,
I left you alone.

Ok. Here's my advice--

I'm not a monkey.

We know, son.

Is my dress ready yet?

For your body? No.

I'll go check on it.

Kelly, there were plenty
of parties I wasn't invited to

when I was a kid.

There's a mystery.

Here's another-- What the
hell's holding that towel up?

So to continue, Kelly.

I just showed up.

I just stood there,
big smile on my face.

I said, "I'm here"

and went straight
for the food.

They didn't want me,
but I had a great time.

And if they didn't,
too bad.

If you want
to be there, be there,

even if they hate you.

You're a Bundy.
Start acting like one.

I'm going to my room.

That's a girl,
go where you want to go.

I'm taking the binoculars.

If I can't be there,
at least I can see

the lights from my room...

If I can fit the strap
over my forehead.

Dad, I sure hope you're better
at fixing cars than lives.

You call these lives?

Almost ready, Marce.

How long does it take
to dry a dress?

In the machine's defense,

Al fixed that too.

I have an announcement.

Shut up.

Where's Steve?

How long does it take
to find a dress?

It's not like he's
going through his stuff.

His stuff has to be all
folded very carefully

and neatly put away
in his drawers, all color-coded

like his stupid socks.

Does Al
have a sock drawer?

Yeah. It's
called the floor.

RADIO: Johnny B. Goode's
is sure hopping tonight.

Batteries work, Dad.

Shh!

Yes, it's closing night
at Johnny B. Goode's,

But we're having fun,
aren't we?

Yeah!

Now stand away from the doors.

We're getting ready
to let people in

with numbers
from to .

Aw, Peg!
I traded for !

What am I gonna do?

I'll call
your friend Spike.

And I'll tell him to trade
with my friend Easy Edie,

you know, the one that turned
you down in high school?

She's got number .

Okay, we're almost ready
for the fry-eating contest!

Chug a spud! Chug a spud!
Chug a spud!

Those people
are morons, Dad.

Give me the batteries.
I'm done with the car.

What are all those
extra parts?

They're--
they're extra parts,

for Koreans
or something.

Steve, where
have you been?

I got halfway
out the back door,

And Mr. Takahashi said,
"Hey, where you go?"

So I couldn't
just leave.

We started
talking baseball.

Then we got into the sake.

I wrote a haiku.

Give me this.

You call this
a power dress?

I can't wear this
among bankers!

I was in a hurry, I grabbed
the first thing I saw.

I did that once,
that's how I got Peg.

Marcie, there's nothing
wrong with that dress.

Okay. We got number .

Ooh! Nice dress.

Sorry.

[DRYER BUZZES]

Never mind.
My dress is dry.

Go back
and stall them.

Right. Uh, let's see.

Ooh! They mentioned
their new Mercedes.

I'll have them
show it to me.

Ok! Here it is!

There it goes.

I saw that.

Okay, okay, must be something
wrong with the batteries

in the remote control.

Are you sure it couldn't be
one of those extra parts.

You said that about
our real car, didn't you Bud?

And it's running fine.

I mean, it's running good enough
that it can slam

into a $ , Mercedes
and keep on going.

RADIO: Chug a spud!
Chug a spud! Chug a spud!

That's a record
so far tonight, eight bags.

Once there was a guy
who could eat bags--

Al "The Pig" Bundy.

He wouldn't pay for them,
but he'd eat them.

Well, it looks like
they're going to be

seating the last group
in about minutes.

That means
it's last call...

For cholesterol!

Remember, you can still
be a part of history.

When we announce the doors
are closed for good,

We want people all over Chicago
to honk their horns

to say goodbye
to Johnny B. Goode's.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I was blind.

I guess I can just
kiss this job goodbye.

They're trust their bank
to some harlot.

I might as well
put on go-go boots

and sing
Nancy Sinatra songs.

Well, I like it.

I think you
should be proud.

Just go on in there
and show them what you got.

That's how Peg got me.

I'd never let any real people
see me in this.

That's it!

I just saw Judy's trying
to steal back the boyfriend

I stole from her.

I'm not letting her
get away with it.

I'm a Bundy.

I'm going right over there
and knock her teeth out.

Nice dress,
Mrs. Rhoades.

Well, if she can do it,
I can do it.

I'm not a Bundy--
Thank God--

But I'm going home
right now

and getting that job.

There. I think they were
just put in wrong.

It's working.
Get out.

Thanks, Dad.

Peg, as much as I hate
to see you run, run.

How much time
have we got, Al?

[HORNS HONKING]

Well, Johnny be gone.

We just missed
the end of an era.

Yep.

Well, we'll start a new era.

How? We don't
have any traditions.

We're Bundys.

We still have one tradition.

Remember what
we used to do

when we came back
from Johnny B. Goode's?

In my parents'
living room?

Yeah.

[TURNS ON TELEVISION]

[***]