02x07 - Uncle Bertram

[bunniefuu]

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East
Side Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe apartment ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East
Side Movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece Of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn On the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't Nothin'
wrong with that ♪

♪ We're movin' on
up Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East
Side Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East
Side Movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got a
piece Of the pie ♪♪

Weezy, I think it's time
we changed our furniture.

Why? What's wrong
with our furniture?

It's all brand new.

I think you've been
working too hard, George.

You don't understand.
Look at this auction catalog.

Antiques, Weezy. Antiques.
That's what we need.

Why do we need an old
table full of wormholes?

Because them
wormholes mean money.

Well, if they mean money,
then we must have been

millionaires when
we lived in Harlem.

Termite holes don't count.

We got to have them kind
made by the French worms.

They got class.

Because they been
dead a long time.

Oh, boy.

Woman, what do I have
to do to educate you

to the fine things in life?

Well, paying $2000 for something

we don't need just because
it's old isn't fine, it's dumb.

I'll tell you what's dumb:

Trying to argue with
a stubborn woman.

Good morning, Mom.
Good morning, Pop.

Good morning, Mom.
Good morning, Pop.

Good morning,
Lionel, how are you?

Fine, thanks.

Good, have a seat. Thank you.

Maybe I'm stubborn,
but I'm not stupid.

And I wouldn't
think of getting rid

of new furniture for old junk.

It ain't old, it's antique.

Lionel, you ever
heard of this guy,

[MISPRONOUNCING] Louis X-V?

Louis X-V? Does
he play for the Mets?

Don't they teach you
nothing in college?

I mean this guy:

Oh, Louis the Fifteenth.

He was the king of France.

Yeah, well, he was a king,

but he was sure
a good carpenter.

He made half the
stuff in this catalog.

Well, if you're going to
that auction, be careful.

Why? Any little move you make

could be mistaken for a bid.

Scratch your nose,
at the wrong time

and you could end
up paying through it.

George, you're not really
going to that auction are you?

Sure I am. And
you're coming with me.

Oh, no, I'm not.

All right, if you
want to be surprised

with what I come home with.

Okay. I'm coming with you.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

That's my girl,

can't stand to be without
me a minute can you?

I just want to make sure
you don't buy anything

I'll be sorry for.

Because if there's
anything we don't need

in this apartment,
it's a very old,

moth-eaten antique.

Hello, Louise.

Hello, Mother Jefferson.

We were just talking about you.

Won't you come in?

I don't see how you can
live in a building like this.

I just had a very narrow escape.

What?

Narrow escape?
What happened, Ma?

The nerve of that man, I've
half a mind to call the police.

What man? That dirty old man

that rode up in the
elevator with me.

Oh, my God, what did he do?

He called me toots!

Hey, that's great Ma!

That means you're still a fox.

Shame on you, I think he
was trying to pick me up.

Well, you know, you got one
of them old wiggly-jiggly walks.

Maybe he just
couldn't help himself.

I don't think he meant any harm.

Well, he didn't mean any good.

I don't know why you're
so upset, nothing happened.

You're right, because I'm
not that kind of a woman.

Besides, I had this hat pin.

Can I get you anything, Tom?

No, thanks dear. I'm really
enjoying this cottage cheese.

Is this bothering you, Daddy?

The pancakes? Of
course not, Jenny,

I'm having no trouble
sticking to my diet.

All it takes is will power.

Oh, last week, I would have
eaten a whole stack like that.

Last week, you ate
two stacks like that.

Well, you are now looking
at the new Tom Willis:

Trim, slim, youthful.

How many pounds have you lost?

Hm? Oh, I don't know.

I haven't had time to
get on the scales yet,

but it must be at least, uh...

Whatever it is, I'm proud of
you, Tom. That's wonderful.

Anybody home?

Is that you Uncle Bertram?

Well, it ain't the Avon lady.

Good morning.

What's that you're
eating? Cottage cheese?

Yes, would you like some?

No, I hate cottage cheese.

It's supposed to
be good for you.

What's wrong with things
that are good for you?

Everything. It's only
things that are bad for you

that give you any pleasure.

Where'd you rush
off to this morning?

Shopping. I ordered that
carpeting for the terrace.

Why don't you have a
cup of coffee with us?

Oh, I could use it.

It's colder outside
than an old maid's bed.

Here, I'll get it.

Why don't you sit
down right here?

Come to think of it,

it was pretty cold
in that elevator too.

I met a sassy young
lady on the way up.

A real looker.

She almost gave me the eye.

She almost gave you the eye?

Yeah, with her fist.

Just because I called her toots.

Did you have any breakfast
before you went out?

I never touch it.

If I did I'd start looking
like my nephew here.

What do you mean?

The old beach ball.

You really must
be socking it away.

You look as though
you gained 10 pounds

just since I've been here.

Don't say that.

Some people are just
born to be fat and that's that.

There's nothing you can do
about it. It's all in the genes.

In Tom's case, it's
hanging over his jeans.

Don't listen to him.

Oh, it's all right, Jenny,
I'm not discouraged.

When I make my mind up
about something, that's it.

And I just made up
my mind. He's right.

It's in the genes. Why fight
it? Thanks, Uncle Bertram.

Yes. Thanks a lot.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I bought you
something for the house.

You didn't have to do that.

You should have told
me that before I bought it.

What is it?

Well, I decided to fall back

on my 40 years as a fireman.

And I got you: Ta-da!

Oh, a fire extinguisher.

Uncle Bertram, I've
been meaning to ask you,

what made you
decide to be a fireman?

Well, all the other
men in my family

were lawyers and politicians,

so I decided, one of us ought
to do something worthwhile.

Oh, don't believe him, he
just liked to put out fires.

Our family thinks I'm
the strangest corkscrew

that ever lived.

Not true, Uncle Bertram.

It's Helen's family that thinks

you're the strangest
corkscrew that ever lived.

Now, Tom. We love
you, Uncle Bertram.

You are the only one
from either side of the family

who never gave us any
static when we got married.

The Willis family may
have been solid white,

but we never had as
much heart and soul

in our whole body than you've
got in that little thing there.

I'll second that.

Uncle Bertram, that's beautiful.

And besides, you learn
when you're a firemen

all kinds of guys can
go into that smoke,

but we're all the same
color when we come out.

Hurry up, Weezy.
We'll miss the auction

if you go any slower.

Don't tempt me, George.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hey, that's for me.

Where you going?

Jenny's picking me up.
We're going to a rock concert.

Ain't you got no better
way to spend your time?

Hey, you're right, Pop.

Maybe we can run
away and get married.

Lionel, hi, love.

Lionel, Mr. Jefferson,

I'd like you to meet
my great-uncle Bertram.

Hi. Hi.

That h*nky... That guy's
not your great-uncle.

He's your father's.

Pop!

Forget it, I like a fella
that speaks his mind.

In his case, it won't take long.

That's right. Because
you're just visitor here.

And I probably won't
never see you again. Bye.

You'll be seeing each
other again, I'm sure.

You see, Uncle Bertram's retired

and he's staying
with us for a while.

Well, that's your problem.

Oh, don't worry
about Mr. Jefferson,

he's always this way
when he's in a good mood.

He may be right.

A lot of us old guys do have
problems with their families.

No, not you. I mean,
hey, you're a handy man

to have around to have around
the house and you know it.

Uncle Bertram is
carpeting our terrace.

Hey, that's pretty classy!

Indoor/outdoor
carpeting on the terrace!

Mm. I bet he's charging
a bundle for it too.

No, it's a hobby.

I'm charging zip.

I get a kick out of doing
something with my hands.

I could do it for you,
too, if you like sonny.

Sonny?

All you have to
pay for is the carpet.

Hey, that's kind of nice,

a man like you

still keeping active,
that ain't a bad idea.

Come on, Jenny. See
you, Uncle Bertram.

See you.

Bye. So long, Pop.

How long you
figure it would take?

Well, let's see.

So long, Pop. Jenny and
I are going to elope now.

Yeah, yeah, have a nice time.

Well, I could do it in a
day, once I get started.

A day? Good.

Okay, George, I'm ready.

Oh, hello.

Uh, Louise, this is Jenny's
great-uncle Bertram.

Glad to meet you. How do you do?

He's going to do some
carpet work for us. Free!

What?

Well, while I'm here, I
might as well measure up.

George, I'm going to take a nap.

Hiya, toots!

That's him! That's the
masher from the elevator!

Who you calling toots?

Her! I always call a
pretty woman toots.

Listen, old man, save your
"toots" for your own kind.

That's telling him, George.

Oh, now, toots, I hope
you're not taking his side.

Of course she is,
she's my mother.

Well, we can't hold
that against her, can we?

Beautiful, charming women

often have lousy, rotten brats.

Now look, sir...

Quiet, George.
Let the man finish.

Thanks, sweetie, I'll
be out on the terrace.

If you want, come up
and see me sometime.

Look, Ma, Louise and I
are going to the auction.

Maybe you better come with us.

Don't worry about me, George.

I can take care of myself.

Okay. Bye, Ma. Bye.

Hey, open the door. I
thought you were on my side.

Not when you get fresh.

You can just stay out
there until you cool off,

toots.

[KNOCKS]

Nobody home.

[SCREAMS]

Did you drop something?

You gave me a terrible start.

Shame on you, a man your
age ought to know better

than to act like that.

Look, toots, if you're
going to chew me out

let's go someplace
where it's comfortable.

That was terrible, giving
me a fright like that.

Why an old... I mean a
middle-aged woman like me

could have a heart att*ck.

Oh, not you. You're
much too young for that.

Oh, just how old
do you think I am?

Well, it's hard to tell
with good-looking women.

You still got a lot of
spring in your step.

I didn't need you
to tell me that.

You must have been pretty young
when you had that son of yours.

Oh, I was practically
a child bride.

Really? Jenny
said George was 46.

That would make you about...

You can sit there and gab
if you want, but I'm cold,

so I'm going to make
myself a nice cup of hot tea.

Do you mind making
that tea for two?

Oh, I suppose
it'll be all right,

it's the only
Christian thing to do.

Here, let me do that.

Now listen, don't make
yourself so much to home.

Because you're not
going to be here that long.

There's nothing like
a good snort... of tea

to pick you up.

May I?

Thank you, well, you're finally
showing some good manners.

Why not? I'm an
officer and a gentleman.

You were in the army?

No, the fire department.

Lieutenant, retired.

Mmmm-mm.

I don't know when

I've tasted tea this delicious.

I made it with happy tea bags.

Oh, so you were a fireman.

I would have worried myself sick

if my husband had had
a dangerous job like that.

What did your wife think?

I don't know, I never had one.

Oh.

Oh, it's no great mystery,

I just never found
the right toots.

Well, I guess I was lucky.

William and I found
each other early.

Lord knows we went
through some times.

The Depression, huh?

No, the marriage.

You know, it isn't
easy being married.

It was a struggle right
up until the day he left me.

He left you? That's terrible.

He couldn't help it. He d*ed.

Well, that's no excuse.

Do you want some more?

I certainly would.

Coming up.

And this time, don't be
so stingy with the brandy.

You knew?

Why, you little devil!

How come you didn't ever let on?

I can play games too.

Well, there's nothing
like spin the bottle.

I always say people of prime age

ought to get primed
once in a while.

You know, that's exactly
the way I feel myself.

When I was in the department,
I had some close calls.

You want to hear one? No.

Good.

I remember one winter,
we were fighting a hotel fire

over on the West Side.

It was so cold,

that the fire hoses
snapped like dry macaroni.

No. That's right.

So we boiled some water,
and started a bucket brigade.

But by the time
I got to the roof

to throw that water on the fire,

it froze solid and it
came out in one chunk

and landed on my great toe.

I never had such
pain in my life.

Oh, my, what did you do?

I hoped around on
one foot for a while,

and I was screaming so loud

I didn't notice
where I was going.

And I hopped right off the roof.

I fell 15 floors.

Good heavens! What happened?

I lost both my legs.

Oh, you!

You can't believe
everything I say.

Well, then how
am I going to know

when you are telling the truth?

There's only one way.

Whenever I say
what's in my heart,

my eyes puddle up.

Like right now.

Believe this. I like you.

Well, how about some more tea?

I'd love it.

Okay, Ralph, now push this end.

Yes, sir. This end,
sir. Don't worry sir,

we got it into the elevator,

and we can get it
out of the elevator.

Hold it, hold it, Ralph,
it ain't coming that way.

Besides, you'll scratch it.

Why worry about
that? You said yourself

it's the scratches
that makes it valuable.

Not the new scratches,
the old scratches.

I got an idea, Ralph. You
get behind, I'll get in front.

Yes, sir.

Ready, Ralph? Ready, sir.

Okay, when I say
"now," shove it.

Sir?

Just get behind
there and push! Now!

I think it's beginning
to move, sir.

Be careful!

This armoire cost me 1100 bucks.

If it falls and breaks,
you can forget your tip.

Don't worry,
sir, if it does fall,

I'll throw my body
between it and the floor.

Now it's moving!
Now it's moving!

Now it's really stuck.

Something's wrong
with the elevator.

I just ran up all 12 flights.

Luckily, I'm in
tiptop condition.

All that morning
jogging really pays off.

Otherwise, I never
could have done it

with such ease.

Why are you all
standing out here?

George is redecorating
the elevator.

Oh, I say!

What a magnificent armoire.

Yeah, but it's stuck
in the elevator.

So it is. So it is.

But I can readily see
what the problem is.

You can?

Certainly, just one little
effort in the right direction

should do the trick.

There. See what I mean?

Yeah, but we were trying
to get it out of the elevator.

Aha.

That's another problem entirely.

However, I think... Hey!

Well, if there's
nothing else, sir.

I better be getting
back to my post.

Hold it! Sir?

I'm holding you
responsible for that armoire.

I want it out of that elevator
and in my apartment.

But, sir, if the two of
us couldn't handle it,

how can you expect me...

No problem, sir, I'll carry
it up the stairs if I have to.

That's what I call

throwing good money after bad.

♪ Shine on Shine
on harvest moon ♪

How come you left the
radio on in the kitchen?

We don't have a
radio in the kitchen.

What?

♪ June or July ♪

♪ Springtime ain't
No time to love... ♪

What the hell's
going on in here?

Oh, George, we're having a
nice cup of tea and we're having

such a wonderful time.
Aren't we, Bertram?

You can bet your BVD's, kiddo!

Okay, the party's over.
Get your hat. Bye. Out.

Oh, George, leave them
alone. They're just having fun.

It ain't fun trying to
get my mother drunk!

Oh, yes, it is, George.

Now, Mama, you ought
to know better than that.

George, your mother has a
right to pick her own friends.

You keep out of this,
Louise. I can talk for myself.

George, I got a right
to pick my own friends.

And right now my friend and I
are going out for a bite to eat.

Mama, no, you should
hang around with this guy.

What do you see in him anyhow?

We have a lot in common.

Like what?

We are both old.

Old.

Let's go, toots!

Weezy, tell me, where
did I go wrong with Mama?

Look at it this way, George.
You're not losing a mother.

You're gaining an antique.

ANNOUNCER: The
Jeffersons was recorded on tape

in front of a studio audience.