03x04 - The Lie Detector

[bunniefuu]

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♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
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♪ Movin' on up ♪
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♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

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♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

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♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

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It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
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♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

[QUIETLY] ♪ ...morning ♪

♪ Like the day Is dawning... ♪

GEORGE: Hey, hey, hey!

How's my foxy
tomato this morning?

Well, if you squeeze any harder,

your tomato's gonna
turn into ketchup.

Where's Lionel?

We can't have him being
late his first day at work.

He's getting dressed.

George, I've been wondering.

Do you think he'll
be able to handle it?

Sure he can. He's been
getting dressed for years.

I mean, studying for
his master's degree

and working at the same time.

Don't worry about Lionel.
He can handle anything.

He's my son.

And mine!

Yeah, but he overcame that part.

What are you fixing
for his breakfast?

His favorite dish.

Food.

Look what I got for him.

His own desk plate.

"Lionel Jefferson, Engineer."

Oh, that's nice, George.

But isn't it ostentatious?

No, it's real brass.

What made you think
about getting him this?

Well, I got it for two reasons.

One, he's the first Jefferson
ever to become an engineer,

and two, with a sign
like this on his desk,

them honkies will know he
wasn't hired to shine shoes.

Morning, Mom. Morning, Pop.

Good morning, Lionel.

Morning, my son.

[LAUGHS]

What?

Don't you notice anything
different about the table?

No.

The sign, the sign!

Oh, the sign!

Hey, I don't need that, Pop.

I already know where
to sit for breakfast.

Hey, man, I was
just putting you on!

Hey, Pop, you know,
I really appreciate this.

It's terrific. And I'm
gonna use it too.

Are you excited about
starting work today?

Why should I
be? It's just a job.

But aren't you nervous?

What kind of work
will you be doing?

At $18,000 a year, he'll
do whatever they tell him.

Well, um, I'll be working
with digital circuitry,

integrated bypass systems,
analytical frequencies

and remote resistance factors.

They ain't paying you enough.

Sure they are!

Teletex Electronics
is a great company.

He's lucky to get a job there.

When I was his age, I was
lucky to find a job anyplace.

I even worked in a
smelly old fish market.

I hated that.

They really worked
you hard, huh?

The hardest part was after work.

I had to run all the way home

to keep the alley cats
from eating my pants.

Well, I gotta go now.

But you haven't eaten anything!

Are you sure
you'll be all right?

Hey, I'll be fine, Mom.

You just take it easy.

You want me to call you a cab?

You don't wanna be
late. Bosses hate that.

I know because I'm a boss.

Hey, Pop, I got plenty of time.

Now, you be sure and
have a nice, hot lunch.

Uh-huh.

And if it rains, I'll be
sure to wear my rubbers

and I'll pin a little
nametag on my chest

just in case I get lost.

Oh, Lionel, I didn't mean it...

Hey, Mom, now, look. I'm
just a dude going off to work.

No big thing.

Oh!

Oh!

Hi, Jenny.

Oh! Oh, Lionel, I'm
so happy for you!

Oh. Well, what was that for?

For your first day at work.

Oh!

Well, wives are supposed to
kiss their husbands goodbye

at their door,

but since we're not married yet,

I had to come
downstairs to your door.

Well, thanks, Jenny,

but, you know, you really
didn't have to get up so early

just for a little
thing like that.

Well, see you all later!

Is he feeling all right?
I mean, he's so calm.

He takes after me.

We don't believe in getting
emotional over things.

All right, I got me a job!

A job, yeah!

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah.

Well, nice seeing
you again, Jenny. Bye.

George!

There's just one
thing, Mr. Jefferson.

My father would like
to invite the three of you

to dinner tonight.

Oh, that's nice!

That's out. Why?

Because I've got a photographer
coming over to take our picture.

What sort of picture?

A family portrait.

We haven't had one
taken since Lionel was 12.

Oh, yeah! I remember that one!

Lionel kept getting
too close to the camera.

His head looked like a
great big old watermelon.

That's because you
squeezed all three of us

into that little photo
booth on Coney Island.

So now we got us
a real photographer,

we can't go to dinner.

But, George, the
photographer will be here at 6.

We could go after that.

Will you just mind
your business?

Tell your father we'd
love to go, Jenny.

All right! Thank you so much.

You don't know what
this means to me.

You don't know what
this means to me.

But you shouldn't
be thanking us!

We should be thanking you!

No, Mrs. Jefferson, believe
me, I should be thanking you.

Mom is away
visiting her parents,

and after three
days of my cooking,

I deserve something
decent to eat.

Bye! Bye!

[TELEPHONE BUZZES]

Yes?

Good! Send him in.

Hello... Lionel!

How are you? I'm Bill
Hoffman, director of personnel.

Nice to meet you, sir.

You don't have to
call me "sir." Oh, fine!

"Your Majesty" will do.

"Your Majesty"?

It's just one of
my little jokes.

I like to put people at
their ease with a little joke.

I expect you're a bundle
of nerves right now, huh?

No, not really.

Yes, I thought so.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

Almost everybody is
when they first come in.

Then I tell my little joke
to put them at their ease.

Ah, that's a good
idea! Thank you!

Why don't you sit down. Thanks.

Yes, here at Teletex Electronics

we try to avoid the
stiff, impersonal image

so many businesses have.

Great!

We feel we've created

a relaxed working
atmosphere here.

No stress, no pressure.

Would you like a Tums?

No, thank you.

I've been going
over your record.

I want to tell you,
I'm quite impressed.

That's nice to know.

And it's important to
give a good impression.

Rich Little would do well here.

Impression. Rich Little.

Oh, yeah. Ha-ha.

This is a package we
give all our new employees.

We really take care
of you here, you know.

It has all the information about
such things as credit union,

pension fund, group
health insurance.

It covers you and your family.

Are you married, by the way?

No, I'm single.

Any children? What?

Oh, I get it! That's one
of your little jokes, huh?

No, that's one of the little
questions I have to ask you.

No children. Good.

[TELEPHONE BUZZING]

Yes?

Fine. He can come in now.

Our Mr. Tulley is
going to go over

the personal history
form you filled out.

Why, did I leave something out?

No, no, no, don't be nervous.

It's standard procedure.

Just the final part
of your processing.

Morning!

Ah, Tulley. This
is Lionel Jefferson.

He's gonna be working
on the third floor.

Lionel, Roger Tulley.

Hi.

Good morning, Mr. Jefferson.

Well, I have got a
meeting to go to, Lionel,

so if I don't see
you again today,

welcome to the world
of Teletex Electronics.

Thanks, Mr. Hoffman.

I want you to remember

the door to my
office is always open.

If it isn't, just knock.

Mmm, well, that's nice to hear.

And if I don't answer,

go away, because it means
I'm in here with my secretary.

Good luck!

He seems like a real nice guy.

Who?

Mr. Hoffman.

He has a good
personality rating.

Would you mind taking off
your jacket, Mr. Jefferson?

What?

Your jacket. You'll
have to take it off.

Sit right here, please.

Lift your arms, please.

Thank you.

Um, I believe my
personal history form

is in that file on
Mr. Hoffman's desk.

How do you know
that? Did you peek?

Well, no, it's just that he
was just reading from it and...

What's this?

A polygraph.

You mean a lie detector?

We prefer to give
it its correct name.

Polygraph.

What are you
going to do with it?

Oh, now, just relax

and try to answer the
questions as best you can.

What kind of questions?

Oh, nothing difficult and
nothing for you to worry about.

We just want to verify the
information you gave us

on your personal history form.

Well, why do you have to
verify anything when I've just...?

Oh, now, just relax.

Relax.

Is everything all right
for you, Mr. Prescott?

Oh, splendid, splendid!

You know, you have a
charming apartment here.

Thank you.

And you and Mr. Jefferson
are such charming people too.

Didn't Lionel get
home from work yet?

LOUISE: No, not yet.

Oh, maybe he's staying late to
give his boss some good advice.

It's nice to see people
so proud of their son.

It's a pity there aren't

more folks like you in
the world, Mr. Jefferson.

I know.

Why don't we take a sh*t of the
two of you before he gets here?

Oh, that will be nice, George.

Splendid, splendid.

Now, Mr. Jefferson,

why don't you put your arm
around your wife, like this.

I know how.

I thought we'd take
some pictures in color

and some in black-and-white.

Which, in this case,
would be the same thing.

Hey, Lionel,
you're just in time.

Come on, stand over here.

[CHUCKLES]

This is my son Lionel
I was telling you about.

Hi.

What a fine-looking young man.

We're having our picture taken

in your honor.

Pictures?

Did you have to
work late? No, Mom.

Now, everybody look over here.

Now, when I count to three, I
want you all to say, "Cheese."

All right?

One... How's the
job going, Lionel?

Two... I don't have
a job anymore.

Three. Jeez!

What do you mean, you
don't have a job anymore?

Just what I said, Pop.

But you just started.

What happened?

Did you talk back to
your boss? No, Pop.

Stay too long in the men's room?

Pop, what happened...

Did they suddenly
notice you're black?

No!

Mr. Jefferson, please!

Give the boy a chance.

What happened, son?

Well, you see...

Will you keep your
hands off everybody?

He ain't your son, he's my
son. He's going to tell me.

Now, what happened?

I keep telling you
he's my son too.

I know that. I just
said he wasn't his son.

Well, I want to hear
what happened,

but Lionel can't talk
unless you shut up.

Okay, I'm shutting up.

Lionel, tell us
why they fired you.

They didn't fire me,
Mom. I walked out on them.

What?! You walked out
on a great job like that?

I thought you said you
were going to shut up.

Go ahead, Lionel.

The first thing they
did was sit me down

to take a lie detector test.

A lie detector test? Why?

They think you stole something?

No, they make
everybody take one.

Maybe you'd like to
wait on these pictures.

Why?

Well, you have
this problem and I...

I was talking to Lionel.

Why do they make everybody
take a lie detector test?

Well, they say they just want to

verify a few things
about their background.

So, what happened?
You fail the test?

No, I told them what they
could do with their test

and then I walked out.

Why?

Because I answered every
question on that application.

If they don't believe
me, the hell with them!

Who said they
didn't believe you?

The minute they hooked
me up to that machine

they were saying
they didn't believe me.

You gave up an
$18,000-a-year job just for that?

Yeah, because nobody's going to

strap a bunch of
electrodes on me

just to make sure I
ain't lying. It stinks!

You've got a very
bright son there.

He ain't my son.
That's her son talking.

And I'm proud of him. He was
standing up for his principles.

You see, Mr. Jefferson.

Your wife agrees with me.

What are you doing here anyway?

Waiting to take a picture.

There ain't gonna
be no pictures taken.

Pack up your stuff and go home.

Well, back to bar mitzvahs.

Okay, Lionel, now, this
is what it's going to be,

no ifs, ands or buts.

You're gonna go back
there tomorrow morning,

say sorry, and take the test.

I can't. Why not?

Pop, I just can't.

Lionel, come in the kitchen
a minute. I want to talk to you.

Why can't you
talk in front of me?

Because this ain't
for your ears to hear.

At a time like this, a
person's got to talk to a man.

You're right. And you
be sure to listen to Lionel.

Maybe you can learn something.

Would you get out of here!

Sit down, Lionel.

Come on, son. Relax.

You don't have
anything to worry about.

You're among friends now.

What is it, Pop?

Okay, Lionel.

You know I'm your father,
and you know I love you.

You know there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you.

Whatever you say to me now

ain't gonna go outside
of these four walls,

not to your mother, not
to your girl, not to nobody.

You can trust me.

I know that, Pop.

What are you trying to hide?

What?

What are you afraid might
come out on that test?

Nothing!

Come on, Lionel.

You don't have to be ashamed.

Everybody's got
something to hide, even me.

You? Well, what
have you got to hide?

Never mind that,
I'm talking about you.

Now, what is this big secret
that you're keeping from us?

Did you get busted
or something? No.

Okay, Lionel, you went
out with a lot of girls

before you took up
with Jenny, didn't you?

Well, sure.

Are there any little
Lionels running around?

Hey, Pop! Now, that's
a terrible thing to say.

Why? Some of the
biggest people are doing it.

Congressmen, senators.

Some of them got
whole families on the side.

Now, look, Pop,

for the last time, I'm not
trying to hide anything.

Then take the test!

No. No! No!

Lionel...

You still here?

Lionel, I'm your father.

All that talking and he
still doesn't know that?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, honey.

Here you are, Lionel.
And congratulations!

That's just like you, Willis.
Always saying the wrong thing.

I beg your pardon?

Hey, Jenny, come on in.

Oh, we're just in
time for pictures.

There's not going
to be any pictures.

Mr. Prescott's leaving.

Something George said?

Well, what's happening here?

You look like you just
lost your best friend.

Worse than that. He
just lost his best job.

How could he?

He wasn't there long
enough to make a mistake.

Honey, you lost your job?

Yeah.

They wanted me to
take a lie detector test,

so I said no.

And you walked
out just like that?

I thought that job
meant so much to you.

Not as much as
my right to privacy.

You want privacy?
Lock yourself in the toilet.

All right, now
listen, Mr. Jefferson.

That job means
a lot to both of us,

but if Lionel feels
this strongly about it,

I respect his feelings
and so should you.

Bravo, young lady.

I agree with you.

Prescott!

Yeah, I know.
Shut up and get out.

Can they really force
you to take a test like that?

Yeah. Is it legal?

It is in most states,
unfortunately.

Thousands of companies
around the country use them.

What kind of
questions do they ask?

Oh, they can ask you anything.

Questions about your
past, your personal lifestyle.

Do they ask you how a kid

could make it all the
way through college

and still come out stupid?

Pop, try to understand.

I don't want people
probing into my mind

and digging into my
innermost feelings.

I don't want to share
that with anybody.

Not even with me?

Hey, with you, anything.

PRESCOTT: Oh, don't...

Don't... Don't stop doing that!

This picture I'll
give you for nothing.

But you're missing
a great picture.

Well, George, uh, shall
we open the champagne?

What for?

To drink it.

Oh, come on, George.

Look on the bright side.

Things aren't all black.

What's so great about that?

Don't be down on Lionel, George.

It took a lot of courage
to do what he did.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Courage don't buy
groceries. They want cash.

Good evening. Is Lionel
Jefferson at home?

Yeah. Who are you?

I'm Bill Hoffman,

personnel director
for Teletex Electronics.

Oh! Oh! Pleased to meet
you. I'm Lionel's father.

Come on in. Come on in.

Lionel, look who's here.

What are you doing here?

I was hoping I could talk
to you for a minute, Lionel.

Or for two minutes,
if you've got the time.

Sure he's got the time.

Meet my wife, Louise.

How do you do? Hello.

And these are...

Oh, it don't matter
who they are.

My father's a great kidder,
Mr. Hoffman, just like you are.

Oh?

And just as funny.

Oh, as good as that?

This is my fiancée,
Jenny Willis.

Hello. Hello.

And her father.

[LAUGHS]

Tom Willis.

Hello.

Lionel, I heard what
happened down at work today.

It's a good thing Tulley
didn't take your advice

about what he could
do with his polygraph.

Sometimes my son sh**t
his mouth off without thinking.

It runs in the family.

If there was a problem, Lionel,

why didn't you come
and talk to me about it?

Well, I just didn't think
it would do much good.

That's where you're wrong.
We'd still like to have you.

You hear that, Lionel?
You got your job back.

Does that mean

I still don't have to take
the lie detector test?

That polygraph test is a
harmless little procedure.

Forget it.

Lionel, are you crazy?

Lionel, if it were up to me,

I'd say never mind the test.

But my boss insists on it,

and I've got to follow orders.

Well, would you
jump out of a window

because your boss
ordered you to?

Depends on how big a
bonus he'd give me to do it.

You walked right into that one.

You see, Lionel, he's not asking
you to jump out of a window.

He's just asking you
to take a simple test.

It is such a simple thing.

What harm can it do?

Plenty!

Now look, it's bad enough
that you investigate me,

ask my friends all sorts of
personal questions about me.

But when you want to
hook me up to a machine

to dig into my head to find
out what makes me tick,

that's going too far.

Lionel, we've got to know...

You have no right to
know that much about me!

You're not buying me,
you're only hiring me.

What's he talking about?

He's trying to tell you he's
not ready for Big Brother yet.

Lionel, please reconsider.
As a favor to me.

A favor? A favor?

Wait a minute.

Lionel, he's not
here to save your job.

He's here to save his.

Say what?

Yeah. Mom's right.

Teletex Electronics
hired me for three reasons:

I'm young, I'm a college
graduate and I'm black.

That's not true.

We'd have hired you
even if you weren't young.

Come on, Hoffman, you
know what he's talking about.

Well, we do feel
a responsibility

to give minorities a chance.

You mean the only reason you're
here is because Lionel's black?

No.

I was going over
his file again...

More investigating?

He's got one of the best records

I've ever come across.

I'm here because I think you're
gonna make a damn good engineer.

This isn't another one
of your little jokes, is it?

No. I mean that.

Thanks.

I mean something else too.

I want you to start
work in the morning.

Okay! Good!

Hey, wait a minute.

What about that
lie detector test?

Forget it.

But I thought your boss said

everybody had to
take a lie detector test?

That's right.

What'll you tell him

when he asks if Lionel took one?

I'll lie.

Would somebody open
the door for me, please?

Where are you going?

I'm leaving. Leaving?

I thought you were
here to take our picture.

Yes, but...

Then why aren't you
taking our picture?

And make it quick.

We're taking the
Willises out to dinner.

Now, wait a minute, George.

Dinner is our treat.

That's right, Mr. Jefferson.

We invited you, remember?

It's no use, Jenny.

When George wants to pay
for something, he pays for it.

Me? I'm not paying.

But you said... Lionel is! Me?

Sure. You got a
job now, don't you?

And you don't even
have to take the test.

I know.

But what about all the
poor guys who still have to?

Right.

I just hope they got fathers
as understanding as I am.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: The
Jeffersons was recorded on tape

in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on... ♪