03x24 - Louise's Physical

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Jeffersons". Aired: January 18, 1975 – July 2, 1985.
Spinoff series from "All in the Family" is about literal upward mobility of couple George and Louise Jefferson who move into a swanky high-rise building.
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03x24 - Louise's Physical

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♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn On the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
Wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We finally got A
piece of the pie ♪

George, I must confess.
I'm really impressed.

You're being a
wonderful husband.

Just because I'm giving
Weezy a surprise birthday party?

What's wonderful is
you remember the date.

Half the time I forget,

and Helen has to remind
me it's her birthday.

Isn't that right, dear?

You're exaggerating, Tom.

I have to remind
you all the time.


Ooh, that's not Louise, is it?

No, no. She's
still at the doctor's

getting her yearly checkup.

Now, look, the main thing is

keeping tonight's surprise
party a secret for Weezy's sake.

Because being
surprised is all of the fun.

What's wrong with you?

Surprise! Hello, everyone!

HELEN: Hi, Mr. Bentley.

Wait till you see what I
have for the party, Mr. J.

I know, it's a bag
full of them things.

Uh, yes, and some of these too!

We can talk about
the toys later.

Right now I'm trying
to figure out a way

to keep this whole
thing a secret.

Do you think it's smart
meeting here like this?

If Louise came in and saw
all of us here, she'll know that...

That's where the old
Jefferson brain takes over.

There ain't no way in the
world Weezy's gonna find out

that we're having a
surprise party for her tonight.

Why not?

Because her birthday
ain't till next Tuesday.


Ah, isn't this jolly fun?

Hey, Bentley, please!

Look, I'm having enough
trouble thinking about

all the things I gotta do today.

And you ain't
making it no easier.

I've still gotta get
over to the jewelers

and pick up Weezy's present.

Then I gotta get all that
stuff from the market.

Then I gotta find an
excuse to get Weezy

to go up to your apartment
without her getting suspicious.


Well, why don't you
just say you're lonely,

you miss your dear
friends the Willises,

and you'd like to
drop up for a drink?

You weren't
listening, Mr. Bentley.

It's got to be something that
won't make her suspicious.

You ever see anything
so goofy in all your life?


Yeah, I'm looking at it.


Bentley! Now, where were we?

Well, we were talking
about a pretense

to get Louise up to our
apartment for the party.

Aha! I have it.

Mrs. Willis, you could
phone Mrs. Jefferson

and tell her that your husband
dropped his pen behind his desk,

and while stooping
to retrieve it,

gave his noggin
such a nasty knock

he was rendered unconscious.

And that you require assistance
in moving him to the bedroom.

An emergency situation like that

precludes any hesitation
on the part of Mrs. Jefferson.

Isn't that a splendid notion?

It stinks.

You're right. It
would never work.

I've got a better idea. Good.

We'll just give you the
key to our apartment

and let you think up something.


You can always come up
with some kind of fish story.

He's been telling
them for years.

Well, how's the party
planning coming?

It was going good up until now.

I just want to know one
thing. Am I invited to this party?

Of course you are.

I didn't hear
Mr. Jefferson say I was.

Florence, look, when I first
got the idea for the party,

you was the first
one I thought of.

I mean, just like a friend of
Weezy, you deserve to be there.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

And besides, you gotta
serve the cake and the punch,

and clean up the
mess afterwards.

Forgive him, Lord.
Remember, he's your fault.

That reminds me. Helen,
did you order the cake?

Uh-huh, from that wonderful
German bakery on 86th Street.

We can pick it
up this afternoon.

Oh, and I've got some very
important things to pick up too.

Like what?

Oh, some confetti,
some serpentines,

and six more of
these little fellas.

Well, since everybody else

is contributing something,
I'm gonna do my part.

Your part is to run
over to the gourmet shop

and pick up the champagne
and hors d'oeuvres.

I mean at the party.

I'm gonna sing "O Promise Me."

But isn't that sung at weddings?

Yeah, but I only know
two songs by heart.

The other one is "What a
Friend We Have In Jesus."

Sing "O Promise Me."

Oh, promise me
you won't sing at all.

GEORGE: Weezy!

ALL: Oh!

Damn that woman.

Weezy, how come
you're home so soon?

The doctor had a cancellation,

and he took me earlier.

What's going on here?

Going on? Why, we
were just, um, uh...

Tell her, Helen.


we were having a
tenant" committee meeting.

Yes. About what?

About what? Uh... tell her, Tom.


uh, Weez, how was your
checkup at the doctor's?

Oh, all right, I guess.

Is everything okay?

Fine, George. Fine.

What's this?

Oh, that's my kazoo.

I brought it with me
to the tenants' meeting.


Why. Why?

Uh, because from
time immemorial,

the kazoo has been
the instrument of protest.

I mean, listen...


Now, hearing that,
wouldn't you protest?

Music has the power
to stir men's souls,

and this kazoo shall
lead the tenants to victory.


♪ Glory, glory, Hallelujah ♪

Mr. Bentley... quit
while you're ahead.

Where are you going, Weezy?

To get an aspirin.

See that, Bentley? Your
kazooing gave Weezy a headache.

You go ahead with your
meeting. Don't worry about me.

You heard Weezy.
Keep the meeting going.


Well, I've always,
uh, taken the position

that the management
of this building

has been extremely
lax in many areas...

Tom, they're in the kitchen now.

Right. Let's get out of here!

No, if we leave now,
Louise might get suspicious.

Right. Let's stay.

So I feel the only way to
handle these problems is...

Tom? Yes?

Shut up.

Here, these will
make you feel better.

No, it won't.

There's something you ain't
telling me, ain't there, Weezy?

You're worried about what
that doctor said, ain't you?

He scared me to death.

Is it real bad?


Then you gotta tell me, Weezy.

No matter how bad
it is, I can take it.

What did the doctor say?

He said... I'll
probably live to be 100.

Oh, my God!

I knew it.

Wait a minute.

What did you say again?

He said I'm in perfect health.

Did you ever hear of
anything so terrible?

Look, the terrible
thing is him telling you

you're gonna live 100 years,

then you coming home and
making me scare myself to death.

George, you don't understand.

I'm facing a long, empty life.

Ah! Why didn't you say so?

Now I know what's worrying you.

You're scared you're gonna
live longer than me, right?

Why should I be afraid of that?

Because I'm fun to live with.

I mean, let's face it. I'm the
bright spot in your life, right?

When you wake up in the
morning, the first thing you see is me.

I mean, what more
could a woman ask for?

That isn't it at all.

It ain't? No.

Hmm, then what is it?

I'm doing absolutely
nothing with my life.

I don't seem to be
going anywhere.

What are you
talking about, Weezy?

I told you I'm gonna take you

to Atlantic City this year.

George, what I mean is

I would like to be doing
something worthwhile.

Being my wife ain't worthwhile?

Look, you don't need me anymore.

My son is all grown
up and married.

I don't even clean my own
house. I don't do anything!

Weezy, look, you
worked hard all your life.

This is your reward.

It's like... Like being
put out to pasture.

I'm not a horse, George.

I'm so tired of being a nothing.

Hey, how can you say that,
Weezy? You're something, all right.

I mean, who was it that
got me out of all that mess

when old Ben
was about to retire?


And who was it

that talked Florence
out of committing su1c1de

when she was
feeling low and down?


And I work my tail off all day

and come home uptight
and not fit to deal with.

Who puts up with me? You.

And just the other
day... Oh, George!

Don't be kissing
me while I'm talking!

Look, there are a lot

of people in this
world that ain't nothing,

but you ain't one of 'em, Weezy.

Because you are something.

You through talking now?


Thanks for cheering me up.

Good, now you stay in
here and dry your eyes.

I'll wrap up this
tenant meeting.

I want to go with
you. No! No! No!

Ain't no need for
you to get involved.

I want to get involved.

You feeling all right, Louise?

Much better. Oh, splendid.

In that case, Madam Chairman,
I move we adjourn this meeting.

Oh, wait a second.

I have a second.
All in favor, say aye.

Uh, Mr. Bentley, I...
Ah, the ayes have it.

W-wait. What's
this meeting about?

Don't trouble yourself, Louise.

But I'd like to help.

We've got it all worked out.

You heard her, Weezy.

Look, you don't
need to get involved.

Oh, yes. We'll take
care of everything.


Mr. Bentley, aren't
you needed at the U.N.?

Oh, I like to think
so, but sometimes...

Like now?

Oh, um, quite right.


Oh, Tom, Helen,

you don't have to go, do you?

Oh, oh, yes. Yes, we do.

You see, we have another
committee meeting to go to.

The Citizens for
Police Brutality.

He means Citizens
Against Police Brutality.

I'm against that too.
Can I come with you?

No, no, that won't
be possible. Why not?

It's a closed meeting to
work out the campaign.

Well, if they need
any volunteers,

I'm willing to do
anything to help.

No, no, we have all
the volunteers we need.

In fact, we're up to our... Tom.

What? Oh, yeah.
Well, goodbye, Louise.


Well, I'm on my way.

Oh, where are you going?

To the gourmet shop.

Oh, good. I'll come with you.

That ain't necessary.

I know, but I enjoy

browsing up and
down those aisles.

And besides, it'll
go much faster

with two doing the shopping.

What's the matter,
don't you trust me?

Of course, but I
was just thinking...

Well, then, will you
let me do my job?

Your job is telling
me what to do,

and my job is doing it.

And I don't need nobody
looking over my shoulder.

I'm sorry.

Well, okay.

But you ought to know
by now how sensitive I am.

Well, bye, Weez.

But, George, where
are you going?

To work. It's
Saturday, ain't it?

But I was hoping we could
do something together.

Why don't you stay home today?

I can't. I got a big
problem at work.

What kind of problem?

Um... Rose Johnson.

She's got husband trouble again.

You mean he left home?

No, he came back.

She don't know what to do,

so I'm gonna go up and
give her some advice.

I've known Rose for
years. Let me help.

No, no, no, no. I want to
handle this Rose business myself.

I don't want you
to get involved.

Look, you just stay here
and rest up for me, okay.

And your little bright spot
will be back about 6:00.

Wow, that dinner
was terrific, Weezy.

You know, you're a great cook.


George... I know the reason

you gave Florence the night off.


Oh! Who gave it away?

Was it the Willises?

Why would the Willises
know anything about it?

Because they... What
are you talking about?

You gave Florence the night off

because you wanted me

to cook dinner for you
and feel useful again.


Oh! Ho-ho!

That's right. That's
what I did, all right.

Man, it ain't easy
fooling you, Weezy.

Well, it was nice of
you to try, George,

but I wanna do more
than just be a good cook.

Okay. You wanna do
something different right now?


Come and go up to the
Willises' apartment with me.

Oh, the Willises don't want me.

They didn't even want me
to go out with them today.

Well, that's good,
'cause they ain't home.

Then why are we going up there?

Uh... well, Tom asked
me to feed his fish.


Hold it!

What is it now?

The Willises don't
have any fish.

They just bought 'em today.

But why do you
have to feed them?

Because they have to
be fed every three hours.

Every three hours?

What kind of fish are they?

Hungry fish. Ha!

It still seems strange that Tom
should ask you to feed his fish.

Why is it so strange? I
used to work in a fish market.

Yeah, but those were d*ad fish.

Which is what the
Willise" fish are gonna be

if we don't hurry
up and get up there.

Well, you'd better get going.

Weezy! 'Cause I'm not going.

Hello, Willis.

Look, I can't get Weezy
to come up there with me.

What?! I gave
her the fish story.

She won't bite.

What?! Well... Bye.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

Wrong number? I didn't
hear the phone ring.

It didn't.

Then how could you...?

I dialed the wrong number.

Oh. Who were you calling?

I can't remember.

You can't remember?

I guess that's why I
got the wrong number.

How could you...?

Come on! You're going
up to the Willises with me.

I said I don't want to go!

Sure you do. And if you're good,

I'll let you feed the
fish all by yourself.

Well, I don't feel
like feeding fish!

Okay. I've got something
else that might give you a lift.

What's that?

A ride up on the elevator.

The elevator's going down.

Okay, then, we'll
take the stairs up.

You need the exercise anyway.

But, George...

Look, Weezy, if those fish
die, it's gonna be your fault.

Oh, wait...

You know, I have heard of
a floating crap game before,

but I ain't never heard of
a floating surprise party.

Shh. Well, if Pop can't
bring Mom to the party,

we'll just have to
bring the party to Mom.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, when I say "Three,"
everybody yell "Surprise."

All right. Okay.

One. Two.

Wait a minute! What is it?

Perhaps I should get up in front

so I can get a really close sh*t

of Mrs. Jefferson's
surprised face.

TOM: Good idea!

All right. All right now.

Is everybody ready?

ALL: Yes. Okay.

One! Two!


ALL: Surprise!



[SHOUTING] Well...
here we are, Weezy!

The Willises' apartment!


I can see that, George.


Louise and George
are here! Ha-ha!

Now... I'm gonna open the door,

and then we're gonna go in!


Okay, George.



Okay! Here we go!

One! Two!


LOUISE: We need some light.


Why not?

Oh, uh, well,

the fish will
think it's daytime,

and they'll want breakfast.

And they ain't had
their dinner yet.


Well. Ha-ha! Here we are!


What are they, talking fish?


Aren't you gonna feed them?

In a minute, Weezy.

Oh, George, you
are being ridiculous.

What are you looking for?

Uh, the fish.

Behind the sofa?!

Well, Willis said
they were kinda shy.

I don't see any aquarium.

Good. I guess I don't
have to feed no fish then.

But you said they'd die.

It don't bother me
none. I hate fish anyway.

Come on.

Where are they?

I know where they ain't.

Maybe George finally
got Louise to go upstairs.

But we came down in the
elevator. We would have seen them.

Not if they took the stairs.

That means they're probably
up there looking for us.

She's right! Come on,
everybody. Let's go.

Florence, you take the cake.

Yeah, I do. Don't I?

Look! The elevator's
coming down.

It must be them.

Let's surprise them
when they get off.


Everybody get ready. All right.

ALL: Surprise!

What in the hell do
you think you're doing?

Terribly sorry.

I thought I was taking
Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson's picture.

Oh, yeah? Well, you
can't fool me, buster.

You tell my wife,
"Better luck next time!"

I say!

I'd have given him a
print if he'd asked for it.

Wasn't that Congressman...?

Yes. And I'll never
vote for him again.

Oh, your poor
camera, Mr. Bentley.

Is it gonna work?

BENTLEY: It's all right.

Florence, what's going on?

Oh, we just waiting for
you and Mr. Jefferson.

Mrs. Jefferson!

Hey, you guys!
It's Mrs. Jefferson!

Louise, where did you come from?

We just came down the steps.

Where y'all been?

We thought you were down here.

Uh, George, what is this?

It's supposed to be a
surprise birthday party for you.

One, two, three, ALL: surprise!

Oh, but my birthday
isn't until Tuesday.

That's part of the surprise.

Oh, this is fantastic.

I had no idea!

You almost spoiled
the whole thing

when you came home early
from the doctor this morning.

You mean, you weren't
holding a tenants' meeting?

No! We were just
getting ready for tonight.

And now, it's presents time!




Happy birthday! Happy birthday!

Many happy returns, Louise!

Oh, Louise, you're wonderful!

Happy birthday
next Tuesday, Weez.


Thank you, all of you.

This is wonderful.

Oh, what's the matter, girl?

Everybody is giving me things.

On my birthday, I only
complain when they don't.

I'm always taking, taking.

Never giving.

Well, you can give me
some help in the kitchen.

With the cleaning
and the cooking.

Your cooking needs some help.

I don't see you
getting no skinnier.

You don't see me getting
no fatter neither, do you?

Only around the mouth.

I'm not talking about
doing cleaning and cooking.

I'm talking about doing
something with my life.

Damn it, Weezy!

Look, I've had it with you moping
around, feeling sorry for yourself,

just because you
ain't got nothing to do.

Look, you got all the
time and money you need.

If you can't find
something to do with it,

you are in big trouble.

We ain't gonna let
you spoil this party

that we worked hard to plan.

Now, I'm going in the
kitchen, get some ice,

and I'm gonna come out here,

and we're gonna have
a birthday party for you,

whether you like it or not!

Boy, is he short-tempered!

And bull-headed.

And right.


There's nothing
stopping me but myself.

I can do anything I want to do.


Well, what do you want to do?

I wanna... I wanna...

I don't know what I wanna do.

Hey. Hey, Mom.

Remember when I was little?

You used to ask me what I
wanted to be when I grew up.

Yeah. You wanted to be a pirate.

A pirate?


And remember, I used to

always ask you what
you wanted to be.


And you said that
you always wanted...

To be a nurse.

Oh, do you still wanna be one?

Sure. But I couldn't...
Well, then, be one.

Oh, no. Be serious.

What am I gonna do,

walk into a hospital and say,

"Hi. I've come to be a nurse"?

Well, sure. They've got a
nursing program in school.

It only takes two years to
become a registered nurse.

Two years?

Do you think I could do it?

You just said it yourself. You
can do anything you want to.

You're right!

Okay, everybody...

how about a toast
for the birthday girl?


You mean, to Nurse Jefferson.

Say what?

Oh, George.

I'm gonna study
to become a nurse.

Isn't that great?

Why? I ain't sick.

I think it is a
sensational idea!

No, it ain't. But, George...

Hey, wait a minute!

She's right. It is a
sensational idea.

You mean you don't object?

I'll be spending a
lot of time studying.

Of course I don't object, Weez.

Oh, George, you're so unselfish.

I know.

Look, Weez...

when you start
working at that hospital,

you can get me all the contracts

to clean the nurses' uniforms...

Oh, George. Sheets, aprons,

doctors' uniforms... Oh, George!

ANNOUNCER: The Jeffersons was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on... ♪
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