06x01 - She's Having a Baby: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

And today, on And Yet It Lived,

meet Simeon Pathetica,

an ape that even
evolution passed by.

Note the stooped shoulders

and the dull, blank look.

Can I have your autograph?

Not today, Peg, I
got some big news.

You know how I'm
always digging in my ear

with the point of a pencil?

Oh, my, this is good news.

You betcha.

Well, today, purely by accident,

I found out that I was using

the wrong end of the pencil.

I discovered that
if you turn it around

and take off the eraser,

you can get a real kind
of suction action going.

Get a load of this, honey.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Mm.

But, honey, it still
has an eraser on it.

That's not an eraser.

Oh, my God.

Ah, what's for supper?

What would you like?

I'd like a nice, juicy steak.

Why, that's just waiting
for you on the table.

Huh?

Made you look, made you look.

Al, you'll never learn.

So, honey, uh, I was thinking.

Don't you think we need
a little savings account?

You know, like any moderately
successful 13-year-old?

Hey, don't kid yourself.

I got plenty of money saved up.

Oops.

Well, it doesn't matter,
you're not getting any.

I'm gonna get me a Big
Boy socket-wrench set.

Man, it's gonna be great.

I can go around this
house and tighten more nuts

than you did in high school.

Ah, yes. And I have
the trophies to prove it.

So, anyway, Al,
I've got some news,

and I've been waiting for...

Wait, hold it.

I'll bet that's some of the
guys wanting to see my eraser.

Al. Peggy.

We have a little announcement.

Jefferson and I are pregnant.

Oh! Oh-ho-ho,
Marcie, that's great.

You're kidding?

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I knew it right away too.

You know how when Michael
Jordan goes up in the air,

he just knows he's gonna
do something special?

Well, I had the same feeling

when I approached the hoop.

There was no blocking
that shot, eh, baby?

Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al?

Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.

D-don't you have
anything to say to me?

Oh, sure.

Ah. You're a dead man.

It's all over.

Today is the first day
of the end of your life.

Hey, I'm looking
forward to being a father.

To hear my child
say its first words,

take its first steps.

Yeah, keep that in mind

when you're at the
newsstand at 3 a.m.,

praying they'll be asleep
before you get home

with your copy of Heinie.

Ah, what a grand jest.

Yeah. Soon my hellhounds
will be out of the house,

and I'll be free,
free, free. Ah.

Except for her.

God, I feel great.

I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.

Uh, Al. I think this might be

a good time to tell you...

Yeah, not now, babe.

Once my kids leave the house,

I'll finally be able to do

what every man
is supposed to do.

I can watch TV.

I can...

Well, I don't know,
but it doesn't matter.

It's still better than having
a screaming, crapping,

money-sucking little vampire

bobsledding me to the cemetery.

God, I feel good.

Honey? Yes.

Guess what. What?

I'm pregnant too.

Oh, Al. Hold me.

Ohh.

How far along are you?

Five months.

Well, Al.

I mean, didn't you
notice I was getting fat?

Well... yeah.

But...

Oh, hold me.

Whoa, whoa. W-wait
a second. Stop.

That can't be right. When? Why?

How?

Wait a second.

Let me check my journal.

Five months ago, you say?

Oh, Al, isn't it a dream?

No-ho. It better be.

Let's see now. April, April...

Ah, were we go, April. Week one:

"Sold shoes, watched TV."

Week two: "Sold
shoes, watched TV...

wept."

Week three: "Sold shoes,
had a few beers, passed out."

Uh-oh. "I dreamt I...

fell in the washing machine.

Woke up feeling cheap."

Peg, what in God's green
earth did you do to me?!

Well, I couldn't help myself.

You looked so cute

trying to pull your
underwear up over your head.

Well, I'm not made
of stone, you know.

Peggy, this is so exciting.

We can be pregnant together.

Yeah, Al. Congratulations.

This is great. Gee, our
kids will grow up together,

and they'll be old enough
to leave the nest together.

Gee, I'll be in my 50s

when that happens,

and you'll be, what, 102?

Oh, Marcie, this
is so wonderful.

The pitter-patter of
little feet after 18 years.

This is truly a
joyous day for us all.

What did you do?

Can't you control
your animal urges?

Of all the bonehead blunders

a middle-aged man

with no income can make.

God.

You leave him alone
for one second...

Did you not know

the evil implications
of your deed?

Bad Daddy. Bad, bad, bad.

Bad.

So, Mr. Sow-
My-Wild-Oats-At-50...

what are we gonna do now?

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

We'll be living off
the scraps of scraps.

Slipping in puddles
of baby juice.

Our home and our clothes

smelling of the
befouled buttocks

of a child born out
of middle-aged lust.

Oh, shame.

As if what you did
wasn't bad enough.

But with our mother,
for God's sake.

Well, this is one fine

"How you doing?
Fine, thank you."

Hi, kids.

Did Daddy tell you the news?

Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.

Happy, happy, happy.

Now, kids, I don't want you
to be jealous of the baby,

because I'll always
have time for you.

After all... you were my first.

Hm? Uh, I was your first.

Mm-hm.

Really? Ha-ha. Mm-hm.

Oh, well.

What's important
now is the baby.

Did you congratulate
your father?

Oh, sure. Oh, sure.

Way to go, Dad. Yeah. Oh.

You sure know. You know? You...

You old dog. That's great.

You old... It's just fabulous.

Oh. Well, I don't know
about anybody else,

but I've got a hankering

for a nice cream-cheese-
and-coffee-grind sandwich.

We love you, Mommy.

You stink.

Do you think it's safe for Mom

to have a baby at her age?

I mean, what is she, a million?

All right. Now,
listen up, everyone.

Just because I'm pregnant
I don't want you to think

I'm gonna be
demanding or anything.

Your lives won't change a bit.

"And here's a
picture of Mr. Rooster.

'Cock-eye-doddle-doe.'"

Uh... Honey, not to me.

To the baby.

Oh.

"And the duck
went 'quack, quack.'

"And the dog went 'bo-wow.'

And the family went to..."

Excuse me, honey.

What, are you guys on vacation?

Rub, rub.

Thanks for everything,
Johnny Appleseed.

Bundy, Bundy, Bundy...

Bundy, you're
gonna be a superstar!

Just don't blow it, kid.

Oh, come on, coach.

What could possibly stop me?

Hi, honey.

Oh, Al.

Are you as happy as I am?

Well, how could I be?

Well, you should be
happy. It's your baby too.

Oh, happy. I thought you
said am I as heavy as you are.

Now stop teasing me.

You can barely tell
that I'm pregnant.

Get over there. Oh.

Bologna and Miracle Whip.

Mm.

Want some? Mm.

Gee, Al. I don't
know about you, but

I'm horny as hell.

Well, so am I, but
you don't see me

bothering you with it, do you?

Oh, come on, Al.

If you don't, the
baby won't see you fail

till you take it to work.

That was a good
one, wasn't it? Yes.

We got Daddy good,
huh? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So, what do you say, Al? Ha-ha.

Are you ready?

Oh, sure, I'm all afire.

I don't know what
turns me on more:

that sexy failure talk
or the bologna shrapnel

hitting me in the eye
at 90 miles an hour.

Oh, all right, you big sissy.

We don't have to
do it. Good night.

Ah, good night.

Ah, jeez.

Al? What?

Let's talk about the baby.

Why, did he do something cute?

You have a terrible attitude.

I am not talking to you anymore.

You stink. Ah.

Good night.

Al? Hm?

What should we name the baby?

The Reaper?

Well, what if it's a boy?

Well, we could name
it after my father.

I don't wanna
name it Town Drunk.

Well, then, don't ask me.

Al, can we afford this baby?

No.

I didn't think so.

Gee, I'm glad I'm
not in your shoes.

Good night.

Al, Al, Al.

Al? CROWD: Al.

Al! Al!

Al! Al!

Al! What?!

Honey. You know,
I was just thinking.

If you wanted to
get an extra job,

you know, after
the baby was born...

maybe you could get
one delivering newspapers.

You know how they
throw them on the porch?

You'd be really good at that,

because you used
to play football.

You remember?

Oh, hi, honey. Ha.

You wanna come and join us?

We were talking
about breast swell. Ha.

Well, congratulations, Marcie.

You finally get to
go bra shopping.

Oh, Al. I don't have to tell you

how much easier it is to
lug around small things.

Now, Al, if you have nothing
to add to the conversation,

just please go sit down.

Mm. Move over.

Not here.

Can't you see we're pregnant?

Now, go sit over on the stairs

in case I need something.

This is my home, and
I will not be relegated

to sitting on stairs.

I go anywhere I want!

Anybody got a problem with that?

You two are on thin ice!

Who are you gonna
tell the baby he is?

Well, for the first 10 years,

Bud and Kelly thought he
was the dim-witted handyman.

So why change what works?

Oh, well, at least I
have no complaints.

My Jefferson can't
do enough for me.

Would you believe, right now,

he is out getting me a pie.

Sometimes he is so good to me,

it just brings tears to my eyes.

Well...

here it is.

I drove 50 miles, holding it up

so the cherries didn't
settle on the bottom.

This is not a large.

Is this all you think of me?

Is this all you
think of your child?

Well, you just march yourself
right back to Wisconsin

and get me a real pie, mister,

or you don't love our baby!

Okay, honey,

I'll be right back
with another pie,

you stinking, slimy...

He spoils me so. Oh.

Well, my Al spoils me too.

Al, get me some water.

Look, it's Harry Hormone.

Use a condom,
go to jail, eh, Dad?

Hey, Mom.

We made the list.

Oh, good idea.

I'll have Jefferson
make one for me.

What kind of list is it?

Well...

see, I'm gonna be the
best mother in the world

to my new baby...

so I asked the
kids to make a list

of everything they never had.

So I'll know everything to do

for my little
"precious-wecious."

Although, I can't imagine
what they'd put on this list.

I mean, they had everything

they could possibly
want as babies.

But let's just see what they
thought they didn't have. Hm-hm.

"Milk.

"Immunity vaccinations.

Love."

Oh-ho-ho-ho. You
scamps. Heh-heh.

"Rednig blicks"?

That's "reading
blocks." I wrote that.

Aha.

Well...

I think that's a good idea.

Bud, why don't you be in charge

of helping the baby with those.

Thanks, kids.

Wait. Mom, you...
You're just kidding

that this kid's gonna
get the stuff we didn't.

I mean, you're gonna
love us all the same, right?

Oh, well, of course I will.

We were a family
before the baby,

and we'll be a
family after the baby.

Now, you're sucking
up all the baby's air.

Go sit with your father.

I was just born to be a mother.

Look how far down

the chain of love we are.

She's got us sitting with him.

Oh, what an odious mess we weave

when first we
practice to conceive.

Now, kids, I know you
think this is bad for you.

But in a... A little while,

you'll be up and
out of the house

and on your own
in just two, three...

30 years.

So as you can see, the only one

whose life has truly ended is...

Daddy.

Oh. That's true, yeah.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

You still don't know,

do you?

Kids, no matter what the
future might bring, it's...

It's still nice to know
that we're a family,

and that we'll go
through things together.

Uh, who'll give me
a "Whoa, Bundy"?

What... What do you want
from me? I wasn't even awake.