01x13 - The Return of the Barracuda

[bunniefuu]

That's it. Left hook.
You got him now.

Did you see that punch? He ain't gonna
never grow hair on that spot no more.

Look at all the women in
there screaming, melvin.

It's surprising how
many women like fights.

But they go for
different reasons.

A man like to believe
that's him in the ring winning,

And a woman like to believe
that's her husband there losing.

[ Bell rings ] [ whistles ]

Turn the sound down
during the commercial.

That's a good
fight, isn't it? Yeah.

You want another can of beer
before the next round starts?

Yeah, that would be nice.
Lamont, where's your father?

I don't know, melvin.

Instead of being here with us, enjoying
a great fight and having a good time,

He's probably sitting in
some movie, alone and bored.

Mmm. That's a nice smell.

It is nice, isn't it?

I love the smell of the ocean.

Is that what you smellin'?

I thought it was me. I got
on my mennen skin bracer.

I meant it's nice being
so close to the water.

But you smell
good too, fred. Yeah.

Last time I was in lover's
lane was in st. Louis years ago.

Just the three of
us. The three of you?

Yeah. Me and a girl and
the guy that mugged us.

I'll bet you were a real romeo in
your younger days, weren't you, fred?

Yeah. I wish I knew
then what I know now.

Wish I had now what I had then.

But I do pretty good
with what I got left.

You certainly do.

Yeah. Donna? Yes, fred.

I'm sure glad you left
your coat at the house...

And we could get
together again. So am i, fred.

After that last fight, I
couldn't get you out of my mind.

Every time I looked at a piece
of junk, I could see your face.

What does that mean?

It means I was
thinking about you.

I just couldn't get
you out of my mind.

I understand.

You know, we really never
got to know each other.

No, we didn't. We didn't
give it no kind of chance.

It's like that song. ♪
Gettin' to know you ♪

♪ Gettin' to know
all about you ♪♪

Gettin' to a movie
every now and then...

Is no way of gettin'
to know anybody.

And I wasn't gettin' anywhere.
You know what I'm gettin' at?

Yes, fred. Fred, how do you
think your son will react?

The last time he was very much
against our getting married.

- Don't worry about him.
- Lamont's very
attached to you,

And I don't want him to think I'm
trying to shake you loose of him.

I've been a bachelor for over
20 years. I'm ready to get shook.

You'll have to
tell him. I'll tell him.

And what will you tell your
friends? What do you mean?

You're young and pretty
and got a nice figure...

And you're a good driver.

What will you tell 'em when
they ask you what you see in me?

Why, I'll tell them
that you're sweet...

And generous and handsome.

- You know that,
don't you, fred?
- Yeah, I know it,

But I like to hear it
every now and then.

Oh, dear. Look at the time.

Time to go? I'm afraid so.

I have to be up
early in the morning.

Well, before we go, I have
something for you to make it official.

Oh, fred.

A ring.

My engagement ring.

Well, it ain't yours yet, but it will
be after I make 35 more payments.

Oh, fred, isn't that
pretty? Beautiful.

See, you are sweet,
just like I said.

What was that other
thing you said I was?

Generous? No, no.

Handsome. That's the one.

Oh, fred. How can
I ever thank you?

Well, you could start by
giving me one across the lips.

Okay.

Fred?

Fred?

There ain't nothing good on
after the fight, is there, lamont?

Let's turn this thing
off. Ain't nothing on.

There's a horror
movie on later, melvin.

Yeah? Yeah.

The creature with the big mouth.

“A prehistoric monster invades
the city of washington, d.c...

And eats up the
united states senate.”

Was that the one
with ann-margret?

No. This is with lani
hiroshaki. It was made in japan.

They really know how to make
those horror movies, those japanese.

You know all those godzilla
movies? They were all made in japan.

I know that, melvin. I'm not
exactly stupid, you know.

I wish they'd do a godzilla
movie with a black man, don't you?

I never really thought about it.

They couldn't have
done it a few years ago.

But I'll bet it'd be all
right to do it today.

Show a black man gettin' the
best of the monster for a change.

I guess one of the reasons
that we never seen that...

Is 'cause they don't have too
many black people over in japan.

That's okay. Send
one over there.

Send sammy davis.

Make it godzilla
meets sammy davis.

Sammy works everywhere.

[ Car drives off ]

Was that a car, melvin?
That must be pop coming home.

Hello, son. Hello, melvin.

Was that a car I just heard?
Did you get a ride home?

Uh-huh. Donna harris dropped me
off. You remember donna harris.

She was here a few weeks
ago. It was on again, off again.

Now it's back on again.
Oh, yeah. Donna harris.

The practical nurse. The
barracuda. Don't call her that.

Where did you go, to the movies? Did
she massage the back of your neck again?

No, I went for a ride,

And yes, she did massage
the back of my neck.

She can drive and do
necks at the same time.

Pop, I don't understand you. I
thought that was all over with.

Well, son, I got to thinking.
Maybe we didn't give it a chance.

And you're really serious about
this? It's not just fun and games.

I'm serious, and I hope
it leads to some fun...

'Cause I'm too old
to be playin' games.

I'm gonna tell you like
I told you the last time.

I think it's ridiculous, a man
at your age gettin' married.

It's ridiculous,
and I'm against it.

Well, I guess I better be
shovin' off. You two wanna talk.

Wait, melvin. You can listen to
this. You like one of the family.

That's right. Why don't you stay?
You got married a second time.

Tell us about those
three exciting moments.

How you got engaged, how you got
married and how you got divorced.

So what? Melvin ain't no one-woman
man. He like to play the field.

And that's bad when you marry a
woman who like to play the field also.

And the bleachers...

The grandstand...
The parking lot.

Tell him, melvin.
Don't do it, fred.

I'm tellin' you, don't
do it. Just don't do it.

Tell him how ridiculous it is for a
man at his age to be getting married.

Don't do it.

I'm gonna do it anyway. Shucks.

I ain't listenin' to y'all.

It's nice to have a practical
nurse around when you get my age.

Especially if something happens.

Fred, at your age, ain't
nothin' much gonna happen.

I ain't paying neither
one of you guys no mind.

I'm going in the kitchen and get
me some applejack, make me sleep.

Remember what I
said, fred. Don't do it.

Melvin, I think you
said enough already.

Good night. Good night.
Good night, lamont.

I wouldn't do it. He shouldn't do
it. Remember what I said now, fred.

I know. I know. Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Hey, pop, let me talk to you.

Listen to me. Son, you
want some applejack?

Make you sleep. No, I
don't want no applejack.

You ought to try
some of this applejack.

Gee whiz, it's almost all gone.

You better put applejack
on the grocery list.

And get some mineral
oil and pluto water.

And some prunes.

What do you need
all that stuff for?

The applejack makes me sleep,
and the other stuff make me get up.

Would you stop all this
nonsense and listen to me.

What I'm trying to tell
you is for your own good.

We got a good thing going. Why do
you wanna get married and mess it all up?

It ain't a bad thing to have a little
female companionship around here...

And nice little silky things
hanging in the bathroom.

You got companionship.
You got me and melvin.

But y'all don't have no nice silky
things hanging in the bathroom.

What about your age,
pop? Who gets married at 65?

You better read your bible.

Abraham got married
when he was over a hundred.

- Had six kids.
- Abraham had some
help from the lord.

I don't intend to have no six
children, so I won't need as much help.

Well, I can see it's not doing
any good talking to you.

Nope. It's too late.

I gave her an engagement
ring tonight and made it official.

What? That's right.

You're really not kidding about
this. I told you I wasn't kidding.

All right. I'm not gonna
say another word about it.

Good.

If you wanna get married and
mess up this home, just go ahead.

I'm going to.

I'm not gonna have
another thing to say.

That's great. Good night.

Just remember one thing. What?

Two can play at this game.

Just what does that mean? Well,

If you're gonna get married,
I'm gonna get married.

You get married?
You don't think I can?

- I suppose you can.
- If somebody as old
and ridiculous as you...

Can find somebody,
then so can i.

For every man, there's a woman.

And for every dummy,
there's a dummy.

Dummy.

♪ Gettin' to know
all about you ♪

♪ Gettin' to like you ♪

♪ Gettin' to know you like me ♪♪

♪♪ [ Humming ]

What is that thing on your head?

- What's it look like?
- It looks like
gray crabgrass.

Listen. For your
information, it's a hairpiece.

A lot of men wear 'em nowadays,
so what's wrong with that?

You really are ridiculous. Where
did you get that thing from anyway?

You know walter king?

His son works at a furrier, and they
had some tails and paws laying around,

So he made this for me.

It's squirrel.

Yeah.

Well, be careful when you walk through
the park with that thing on your head.

The squirrels are liable to drag
you off with the rest of the nuts.

If you're gonna make fun of
it, I ain't gonna even wear it.

Good.

What are you doing all
dressed up? You going out?

Not when there's somebody
coming to cook dinner.

You remembered. Donna's
gonna be very happy about that.

She's a practical nurse,
and she's neat and tidy.

And when she passes by, you
can smell rubbing alcohol.

Sounds terrific.

Yeah, seem she cup
her hands like this...

And you stick your nose in
there and sniff real hard... [ Sniffs ]

Clear up your sinuses.

I can see a lot of interesting evenings
ahead for you two, once you get married.

Trying on your squirrel hairpiece
and sniffing her cupped hands.

When she gets here,
you be nice to her.

Don't worry, pop. I'll be cool.

I know how you feel about her,
but you don't have to call her “mom.”

Just call her “donna”
or “mrs. Harris.”

I'll think of
something to call her.

Now, don't start that again.

Don't do like you did the
last time. What did I do?

You talked about age and stuff,
and that's how we got in that fight.

You talked about her age and gray
hairs and bags up under her eyes...

And varicose veins.

- Does she got varicose veins?
- No. And don't look
at her legs.

Is there anything
else I shouldn't do?

Yeah. Just don't
talk about nothin'.

I'll be cool, pop. Don't
worry. [ Knocking at door ]

There she is now.

And remember what
I told you. I know.

[ Both ] don't talk
about nothin'.

Donna.

Good evening, fred.
Lamont. Good evening.

- It's nice to see you
again, lamont.
- Thank you very much.

What you got there? Our dinner.

I thought I'd prepare most of it at my
place so as not to mess up your kitchen.

That was very thoughtful.

Smells good. What is it? It's glazed
ham and candied sweet potatoes.

I'll just take it in the
kitchen and get started.

All right, darling.

You get a whiff of
that? It smells delicious.

Glazed ham and rubbing alcohol.

Don't start that again.
Don't worry, pop. I'll be cool.

[ Knocking at door ]

Ah. I'll get this.

Hi, honey. Hi, sheila.

- Am I late?
- No, you're just fine.

Pop, this is sheila monroe.
Sheila, this is my father.

Hi, pop.

Ooh, he's got that same arabian
look in the eye that you've got.

The sheik and the
son of the sheik.

Yeah.

Say, sugar, I'd like to freshen
up. Where's the ladies' room?

If you mean the
toilet, it's upstairs.

The bathroom is
upstairs to your left.

Thanks. He's cute.
I'll be right back.

♪ The sheik ♪♪

Where did she come from?
Where did you meet her?

That's sheila. She came
to cook dinner for me.

What are you talking about? I told you
donna was coming over to cook dinner.

What do you think she's
doing in the kitchen now?

She's in there cookin' your
dinner. Sheila is gonna cook mine.

What? You know it's no good to
have two women in the kitchen.

That's the way it's gonna be
when we both get married, isn't it?

Two women in the kitchen. You
mean you're gonna marry her?

I might. If you can
get married, so can i.

Where did you meet
her? At a taco stand.

- A taco stand?
- That's right.

We were standing next to each other
and the filling dropped out of her taco,

So I helped her
stuff it back in.

Isn't that romantic?

Two dummy taco-stuffers.

I thought you got
dressed up for donna.

You didn't even tell me
about this other girl.

Now that she's here,
just watch what you say.

Here she come now,
old dummy taco-stuffer.

Excuse me, lamont. If
your last name is sanford,

How come the monogram
on your towel says “h.i.”?

That's my middle
name... Holiday inn.

He's funny, lamont.
Yeah, he's a riot.

All right. I'll
just set the table.

Hello. Hi, mama.
What's happening?

Donna, this is sheila.
She's a friend of lamont.

- He invited her here tonight.
- Oh. Are you gonna
have dinner with us?

I don't know. I...

It's already prepared and
there's so much. Please join us.

Might as well. We're
gonna have some leftovers.

Might be better, lamont.
I just had my nails done.

And they're not quite dry.
All right, all right. Okay.

Good. Sheila, come with me and
help me get the other things.

Meantime, you gentlemen
can get the chairs.

Come on. You know, I've
got four false fingernails.

That's some cook you got there.

I'm glad you didn't depend on her to
fix dinner. We'd have starved to death.

She would've cooked. She
just got talked out of it.

You told me yourself she couldn't
even keep the stuffing in her taco.

- Sheila can cook anything.
- You mean she can
defrost anything.

Here we are. Lamont,
fred, please sit down.

Mmm, mmm. Wow. That
sure smells good.

It looks good. I sure
hope it tastes good.

Sheila, can I help you?

Oh, yes, thank you.
Sure looks tasty.

Anybody mind if I smoke?

Well, um, if you're asking
me, I'd rather you didn't.

Why don't you wait
until we finished eatin'?

Why can't she smoke
now if she wants to?

- 'Cause we eatin' now.
- Listen. I don't have to smoke.

- But mostly it's because
it's bad for her lungs.
- Well, they're her lungs.

But I don't want no
bad lungs at my table.

Well, it's my table too.

If you don't want me to, I
won't. Go ahead and smoke.

Mr. Sanford, I
don't have to smoke.

You heard what
donna said. No smoking.

Just a minute. She's not
giving any orders at this table.

Don't you call her a “she.”
She's your future stepmother.

Not if I have anything
to say about it.

You don't have
anything to say about it.

Yes, I do. Not after I give
you one across the lip.

Wait a minute. You just can't
come in here and tell me that.

I can tell you...

Fred, please, don't do that!

[ Fred, lamont arguing ]

You... Donna. Donna.

Donna, honey, what's the matter?

Fred, I will not be talked
to that way by your son.

We've got to clear this up
right now. He didn't mean no harm.

[ Lamont ] why didn't you
smoke? I didn't think...

Everyone was going to
get so uptight. Excuse me.

[ Lamont ] who are you
gonna listen to, them or me?

Don't be yellin' at me. Don't
tell me not to yell at you.

I told you to
smoke! I don't care!

[ Both arguing ] will y'all be
quiet for just a moment.

Lamont, you owe donna an apology. Go
in there and say something to her now.

I'll say something to her all right.
I don't wanna cause no problems.

I put the cigarettes away. [ Donna ]
don't you come in here yelling at me.

What is the matter
with you? Excuse me.

[ Donna, lamont arguing ]

Shut up! Oh!

I'm gettin' sick of this whole
evening, you know that?

Yeah, me too, and... [ Donna ]
you started all this trouble.

Trouble? I didn't do anything. It
started with you wanting to smoke.

I'm supposed to be
blamed for everything?

Yes, because whoever heard of putting
all that poison in your system anyway?

Just a minute. Just a minute. Just
a minute. Just a minute. Shut up!

Shut up. You sound like a
bunch of clucking ducks.

Clucking ducks? How dare you!

We don't have to sit here...
Come on. Let's get out of here.

[ All shouting, indistinct ]

Cluck, cluck,
cluck. Cluck, cluck.

Cluck, cluck, cluck.

You know, son,

Maybe you were right when you said we
shouldn't have two women in the kitchen.

Yeah. That's true, pop.

We can sit down together and
have such a nice, quiet evening.

As soon as you add two
women, everything changes.

- Every time, it happens, pop.
- Something about their nature.

Must be. Must be. They
say men always start wars.

Yeah. That funny?

Let's sit down and have
a quiet dinner together.

Let me help you with your
chair, father. Oh, thank you, son.

I'll just join you here.
I'll sit down next to you.

Yes. Now we can have
an enjoyable evening.

How about some of these nice
greens, son? Thank you very much, dad.

A few potatoes? Oh, thank you.

Marshmallow and stuff.
Beautiful. Thank you.

A little more. Thank you, dad.

How about some
ham? Ham? Of course.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. What you pick
the ham up with your hand for?

What's wrong with picking up...

What do you want me to pick it
up with, my foot? Use the fork.

[ Both arguing ]

Well, there's the finishing touches
to a perfectly rotten evening.

[ Phone rings ] yeah.

You turn out the lights and
I'll get the phone. Okay, son.

Hello.

Yeah, he is. Hold on.

It's the barracuda.

Listen. Now's your
chance to tell her off.

I will. And don't
hold no punches back.

I ain't holdin' back
nothin'. Give it to her.

Hello. This is fred sanford.

That's s-a-n-f-o-r-d
period, speaking.

I'd like to talk to you
about tonight too.

Yeah, I'll let you talk first.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, no, I didn't mean to
call you no clucking duck.

What a meant was,
like a cackling hen.

No, donna, wait a minute, honey. Don't
cry. Don't cry. Please. Listen to me.

Yeah, I remember
the night in the car.

Right.

Huh?

You mean now? On the phone?

♪ Gettin' to know you ♪

♪ Gettin' to know
all about you ♪

♪ Gettin' to like you ♪

♪ And hope you like me ♪♪

[ Lamont ] sanford and son is recorded
on tape before a live studio audience.