01x11 - Out in the Burbs

[bunniefuu]

If somebody put a g*n to my head...

...and forced me to say my favorite thing
about the suburbs...

...I would have to say
it's the water pressure.

The water doesn't have to inch its way
up to the 10th floor...

...like it did in the city.
It's always right there when you need it.

Gushing, powerful, hot.

You're kidding me.

- Your water shut off too?
- I still have shampoo in my hair.

Trust me, I have a worse situation
involving soft soap.

- Well, should we call the super?
- I am the super.

- Okay.
- Hey. Uh, what's going on?

- I told you he had a good build.
- I stand corrected.

Okay. What...? Can I help you?

Bad news, George. Somebody ran over
the fire hydrant on your front lawn.

Okay. We don't have a fire hydrant
on our front lawn.

- Well, you do now.
- Heh-heh.

Oh.

Wow.

This is a first for Chatswin High...

...having an undercover narc
on the premises.

It's very exciting. It's like The Wire.

I don't know how exciting it is that kids
are using and distributing steroids.

Very. But I promise to keep this shizzle
on the DL...

...so I don't blow up your spot.

I appreciate that.

I'm gonna introduce you
into the school population...

...the way I introduce every new student,
by assigning you a buddy.

Tessa.

Tessa?

This is Josh Sherman.

Josh is a new student here
at our school.

And since you're our most recent addition
to Chatswin...

...I couldn't think of anyone better
to show Josh the ropes.

Are you sure?

I'm still looking for one
to hang myself with.

She's so wry.

Moving here from the city
is challenging at first.

- There's a lot of stuff to get used to.
- Like what?

Who's this loser?

- I'm Josh.
- Tessa showing you around Losertown?

Well, if this is Losertown,
wouldn't that make you a loser?

Oh, wow, logic.

- Is everybody like...?
- Most.

Most.

Man, I thought Manhattan
cost a fortune.

There hasn't been a day
since I moved here...

...that something hasn't broken down
or needed painting or caulking...

...weather-stripping or resurfacing.

Sounds like my wife.
Ha-ha, I'm just kidding. Jill looks great.

For a woman in her 40s.
Ha-ha-ha.

I'm just joking.
I married too young.

- Ha-ha-ha-ha. Stop me.
- Heh.

Hi.

And that is my other problem.

- Dallas?
- Yeah.

Look at the way she's smiling at me. Ahem.

That's the way she smiles
at everybody.

Look at the way
she's eating that banana.

- That's the way she eats everything.
- What? No, it is not.

Trust me, things have been weird
ever since she kissed me.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And wait and what and huh?
She kissed you? Where?

- On the lips.
- Where in the world?

Oh, at my house on Christmas.
I told you that.

You certainly did not tell me.
I would have remembered.

She's smoking hot.

- She's married.
- Which makes it hotter.

- Your wife's married.
- Yeah, but she's married to me.

Lisa, this is Josh.
He just moved here from Chicago.

Hi, Lisa.

I've never been to Chicago,
but I'm a big fan of the musical...

...and found Queen Latifah to be an
unexpected surprise in the movie version.

Nice meeting you.

- I think I have a sh*t with him.
- Why do you think that?

He hasn't had time
to form an opinion about me...

...based on what everyone else thinks.

Just do me a favor and put in
a good word for me, would you?

I don't know.
Tell him I'm nice and smart and...

And not related to him.

Tell him I'm adopted.

I think I left my car keys.

- Oh.
- Looking for these, Daddy? Ooh.

Oh. Heh.

- Dallas.
- Mr. Sneaky-Face tried to sneak out...

...without saying goodbye.

No, actually, Mr. I-Didn't-Wanna-Bother-
You-Face didn't wanna bother you.

Well, I want you to bother me, George.
You should know that.

I do know that.
But I don't want to bother you.

I think you and I should talk.

- So talk.
- Well, not here.

This club is full of busybodies
and nudgy-noses. This is private.

I'll call you.

She still has my car keys.

So, Josh, you remember that girl Lisa
I introduced you to yesterday?

- No.
- You know, kind of dirty-blond hair...

...hazel-brown eyes,
loves Queen Latifah?

Oh, Lisa. No.

Josh. She's super nice and smart.

And adopted.

If you're into that sort of thing.

Which some people are.

- Boom. Ooh.
- Who's that?

Wait a minute. I'd spent enough time
in the West Village to recognize that look.

That look meant that Josh
was never gonna like Lisa.

Because Josh was gay, and it was,
for lack of a better word, fabulous.

- What you doing?
- Studying for a Spanish test.

Oh. Well, if you're stuck on "ceiling,"
I think it's el techo.

Or is that "armpit"?

So this new guy started
at Chatswin today.

- Yeah?
- He's super nice. Real gay.

But I think he's in the closet,
which is bumming me out.

Everybody has to be honest
about who they are.

Exactly.

Have you met people?

Very few are completely honest
about who they are.

- I am.
- You'd have no problem...

...with people knowing you DVR
For the Love of Ray J?

We all have our secrets.

Ugh.

I took French.

Squeeze it.

- You gotta squeeze it, George.
- Hm?

Uh... Oh.

Hey, Dallas.
What a coincidence.

- Not really. I followed you here.
- Yeah?

- Here, feel these. Feel my melons.
- Okay.

See how full they feel
in the palm of your hand?

That's how you know
they're juicy and ready to eat.

Okay, you know, I don't think
I'm gonna get any melons anyway...

...so I'll see you later.

George, I've been calling you
and you haven't answered.

And I'm starting to feel
like maybe you're avoiding me.

Avoiding you? That's crazy.
Why would I? I wouldn't. I'm not.

Good.
Because I have a proposal for you.

- I would like for you to design...
- Dallas, you are a married woman.

What does my being married
have to do...

- ...with you designing my boutique?
- Nothing.

- I just think the two of us...
- Oh, look who it is.

- Golden raisins.
- George.

Would you like a coupon
for ground chuck?

- No, thanks, I'm fine.
- Take the coupon, George.

- You're gonna need it.
- What's that supposed to mean?

We're gonna hit you where it hurts.
Right in the...

- Cinnamon rolls.
- What?

George, that geyser on your lawn...

...caused extensive water damage
to our driveway.

And, sadly, we're gonna have to have
the whole thing re-paved.

- Ooh, that sounds expensive, George.
- Oh, it will be.

And if George doesn't pay for it,
we'll sue.

- Don't want to.
- But we will.

The Shays are a litigious people.

Well, what do you think, George?

Half price on your ground chuck
or design my boutique?

- When do I start?
Heh-heh-heh.

Hey, Tessa. Do you know Ryan Shay?

After all this time in suburbia...

...my gaydar was still as finely tuned
as Liberace's piano.

Yeah. I know Ryan. Why?

I don't know.
Just seems kind of popular.

Maybe the sort of guy
I should kind of get to know.

- Sort of kind of, huh?
- Yeah.

Because he's "popular." Heh.

Yeah. What's wrong with that?

- Look, Josh, you can tell me the truth.
- The truth about what?

I'm not gonna judge you
I'm from New York.

- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- Fine, fine.

I won't ask and you don't have to tell.

You're barking up the wrong tree
as far as Ryan Shay is concerned.

He is, tsk, straight as an arrow.

But his body, it's so muscular.

I know.

- And that's usually a telltale sign, but...
- Oh, my God, you do know.

- You can't out me.
- I won't.

Nobody's ever figured it out.

Wouldn't it be better
if it was out in the open?

What? No. Are you kidding?
That would ruin me.

- I wish the world was a different place.
- Yeah.

Okay, so Ryan Shay's not my guy.

Is there anybody else
worth checking out?

I do have the sneaky suspicion
of Dave Donsky.

- School quarterback?
- Donsky.

Got it.

I'll sniff around, see what he's into.

- Not a word to anyone, right?
- Right.

Thanks, Tessa.

Gotta get out of this closet.

I saw you and Josh talking yesterday.

- You think he likes me?
- Almost.

- What does that mean?
- He likes your brother.

- Josh is gay?
- We never had this conversation.

Heh, that's impossible. Josh can't be gay.
The guy who carves our meat?

Ta-d a.

Now he's gay. But Josh?

Easy to spot the obvious ones.

You're forgetting about guys
like Dave Donsky.

The quarterback?
He's the most masculine guy in school.

- Gay.
- Not gay.

- Clay Aiken gay.
- Clay Aiken's not gay.

- He's just a tender soul.
- Lisa, he's openly gay.

He's as gay as Josh. Who is gay.

You don't understand.
Josh is my destiny. I know he is.

I've ordered computer renderings...

...of what our future children
will look like.

Where did you obtain these photos?

The little boy looks like a serial k*ller.

Who, Losh? He's just misunderstood.

You have to find someone else
to procreate with.

- Josh is playing for the other team.
- Well, guess what? It's draft season.

And I predict Josh will switch teams.
I can turn him.

I am ballsy enough to try.

I'm sure Josh will like that quality.

- You the man.
- No, you the man.

- Hooah. You the man, man.
- Hooah. You the man too.

- Cool, man.
- Hooah.

- Mr. Wolfe? Do you have a minute?
- Absolutely.

I am just bidding
on a Perfect Strangers box set...

...and I'm all yours.
I'm not sure they really were cousins.

Who knows?

Anyway...

...I feel sort of embarrassed
coming to you about this...

...but I have this friend who's ashamed
to be gay and refuses to come out.

Let me guess. It's you.

No, it's a friend.

It always is.

Anyway, I thought maybe
you could tell me how you handled it.

Handled what?

- Coming out.
- From Indiana?

It was no big deal.
I just packed some bags...

...and jumped on a bus.

Oh...

- Okay.
- But let's get back to your "friend."

Right, uh...

He seems like such a great guy...

...and I know he'll never be happy
living a lie.

It's like I always say to my GF, Heidi.

"Heidi, I love you.
I love being heterosexual with you.

If for some reason
you're not feeling it...

...just let me know so I can find
another woman to be heterosexual with...

...because I have needs."

Sounds like you guys
have a great relationship.

I just wish my friend would realize...

...that people who don't accept you
for who you are...

- ...aren't worth knowing anyway.
- Totally.

Isn't she gorgeous? She's a Virgo.

Oh, George.

- Doesn't this space just ooze potential?
- It oozes, all right.

I am finally ready to share my passion
with the world.

- So, what? Shoes? Purses?
- Shoes and purses?

How shallow do you think I am?
I'm selling paperweights.

- Pa...? Paperweights?
- Oh, not just paperweights.

Crystal paperweights with 3D
laser-etchings of your loved ones.

Look, this is me and Yakult.

See how it's like a little hologram
in there?

Here's Dalia.

And this one, ah, is you.

Oh!

I bet your brain is just spinning...

...thinking about all the things
we can do in here.

On the ceiling. On the floor.

- Up against this wall.
- Okay, Dallas, that is enough.

- Beg pardon?
- Let's just talk about...

...what we're really talking about here.
This job...

...this whole store,
it's an excuse to spend time with me.

Well, someone's self-esteem is intact.

Oh, come on.
Laser-etched 3D crystal paperweights?

- Who the hell wants those?
- People who love the spectacular.

Oh, please.
The only thing spectacular here...

...is the lengths you are willing
to go to trying to seduce me.

So thank you very much,
but I am done thinking about...

...what we could do
up against that wall.

I was talking about a display case.

Sorry, dude. High-five.

- Lisa...?
- Don't harsh me, bro. High-five.

- Why are you dressed...?
- Dressed like a man?

Because I am the man. High-five.

I don't want to.

It's cool. Heh.

- Bye, Lisa.
- Bye, bro.

Hey. Tessa. Tessa.

I just wanted to, uh, thank you
for turning me on to Dave.

- So things worked out?
- Heh. Are you kidding?

I'm gonna nail this guy, Tessa.

Today.

Today? Don't you wanna take things
a little slower?

Absolutely not. He's the one.

I can't let him get away.
In fact, do you wanna watch it go down?

- Wh...? Where's it gonna go down?
- Right here. In the hallway.

Right now.

- Police. Freeze.
- Jump him.

Go, go, go

Narcotics, New York Police Department.

You are under arrest
for the possession and sale of steroids.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say
can and will be used...

As I watched it go down...

...I realized I shouldn't be pulling
anyone over on the h*m* highway...

...because my gaydar
was clearly broken.

So how is my famous chicken parm?

- Kind of dry.
- Well, yeah, that's what it's famous for.

Remember that new kid
I was telling you about at school?

- The gay one?
- Turns out he wasn't so much gay...

...as he was an undercover
narcotics officer who wasn't gay.

- A narc? Ha-ha-ha. They still do that?
- Heh, apparently.

- Wow.
- I'm the idiot...

...for thinking I understood the guy
when I was completely wrong.

I can't believe I jumped to a conclusion
like that. I feel so stupid.

You're not stupid, Tess.
You're just an Altman.

On the ceiling. On the floor.

We could do it right here.
Right up against this wall.

- Uh, Dallas?
- Oh, George.

Joe, why don't you get that bid
to me ASAP...

...and I'll get back to you
even ASAP-er, okay?

Okay, fine.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So Joe seems like a good guy.
- He is.

You must be shocked
I'm going forward with my store...

...considering it was just a ploy
to spend time with you.

Okay, so maybe
I jumped to the wrong conclusion.

I think it's hereditary.

But look,
after what happened at Christmas...

Christmas? Oh, of course.
The kiss?

Yes, the kiss.

That kiss had nothing to do with you.
That was about me and Steven.

- How so?
- It's no secret things aren't perfect...

...between him and I.

I spent so much time
keeping my head down...

...just carrying out my duties as a wife,
as a mother, as a size two.

Sometimes I have to remind myself
to look up...

...and think about the things that I want,
and then I did and there you were...

...standing in the wrong place
at the wrong time, I guess.

- I guess.
- My marriage may not be perfect...

...but, George, I'm fixing
to rediscover myself.

I'm fixing to laser-engrave
my own happiness...

...into a glistening ball of crystal.

I'm a store owner,
I'm an entrepreneur...

...I'm an independent woman
in the 2000-teens. Holler!

So, what do you think?
The job is still yours if you want it.

- I want it.
- Ah, George.

I'm gonna have my lawyer
draw up some contracts...

- ...just as soon as possible.
- Yep. Okay.

So that...? That kiss, that was about
you and Steven, then?

Yep.

Because, I mean, you know,
it felt like it was about you and me.

No, it wasn't.

- So he's not gay?
- No.

But he is married.

Okay. So we're looking at
a sister-wife situation here.

Right.

So lose the hat.

Announcement, everybody.
Announcement.

As I'm sure you've heard by now...

...Chatswin High had its very own
undercover narcotics officer...

...snooping around the school
for illegal substances.

Laxatives are not illegal.

Anyhoo, I just want everyone
to remember...

...that if someone offers you dr*gs
of any kind, say no.

And if a stranger offers
to drive you home from school, say no.

And if the cafeteria ever serves
veal medallions again, say no.

Seriously, you guys...

Oh, and one more announcement.
I'm gay.

So from this point on,
I will be driving a Miata.

Please let me know
if you have any questions.

Thank you so much
for the encouragement, Tessa.

I can finally be open about my passion
for deep V-neck T-shirts...

...and anti-aging face creams,
and ice skating in August...

...and Stephen Sondheim,
and Dieux du Stade.

So Josh wasn't gay
and Donsky was going to juvie.

But at least something good
came out of all this.

- And that something was Mr. Wolfe.
- Cat on a Hot Tin Roof...