07x01 - Try and Catch Me

[bunniefuu]

Do you really think
I didn't know?

Three, two, one, bingo!

This is Peter Falk
Here are some scenes from
the next episode of Columbo

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am
Nothing to write with

But he took off his belt

I'm Lieutenant Columbo
and I'm looking for
a Miss Veronica Bryce

Me!

Do you think Veronica did it,
Lieutenant?

But she could've got an idea

who did k*ll him

(CLOCK TICKING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE
All right, Veronica, this
ones for the Ladies Club

Just a rough copy
to play with

I come before you as
the author of 32 books
on the same subject

In other words,
I have one of the most
limited minds in the world

Thats bad enough,
but to limit myself

to writing about m*rder
seems to

Veronica dear,
you still here?

VERONICA Just winding up
III be right in

Oh

Galleys ready, Abigail?

This much, anyway
Good

I should have sent
you home hours ago

Oh!

Something wrong?

Don't you hear it?

No

I think it's a nightingale

We haven't had any for years

I don't hear anything

I'll be sure
these get off in the morning

Just one small thing

Would you call
Edmund for me?

Ask him to
stop by tomorrow

Phone your nephew

Well, he's not my nephew

He was merely
married to my niece

That's an entirely
different thing, my dear

Perhaps he would
like to take me for
a walk on the beach

2:30 would be nice

Okay

Wait a minute
I do hear something

What?

A nightingale

What a clever girl you are

Good night, Abby

(DOOR CLOSING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE
manage an escape from
my own particular pathology

I have, heaven help me,
made attempts at humor,

romance, a childrens novel,

and one perfectly
detestable essay on

the deterioration
of the British royal family

since the American Revolution

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

ABIGAIL: As for
the broad Pacific,

I find that rather
an effeminate body of water

EDMUND: Nobody but you could
put down a whole ocean

Oh

Down on the Cape,

when I was a girl, I watched
the Atlantic day and night

How it churned
and boiled and roared

Did it roar the night
Phyllis was drowned?

Abby, please don't

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I loved my niece
With all my heart

With all the love
that I could ever
give anyone

You loved her, too,
didn't you, Edmund?

She was my wife

And you loved her?

Yes, I loved her

It must've been
terrible for you

Alone in a sailboat,
coming up from the cabin

and Phyllis gone

Disappeared in the darkness
and we never had even

the comfort
of finding the body,

of knowing
she was safely buried

The Coast Guard tried

And you tried

I know what you did

Everything you did

(HORSES APPROACHING)

She was only five years old
when I gave her the rights
to the play Birthday Present

I would have
left her everything

Now, there's no one but you
We're all that's left of her

So, when I die,

I intend to make you
my principal heir

Abby, I can't
Don't comment

I detest being edited

I'm not gonna stand here
and discuss your death

Just accept the fact
you'll inherit
a great deal of money

Don't pretend
that doesn't please you

There

Life is short,
life is fleeting

I'm glad you're
not going to protest

because, you see, Edmund,

I really have made up
my mind about you

and about me

(STOPWATCH TICKING)

Annie, my bags are ready

MARTIN: Anything
in this document
to the contrary

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

notwithstanding,
being of sound mind

Oh, Miss Mitchell,
your nephew finished
with his dinner

Edmund? Did he eat well?
Oh, very well, ma'am

Isn't that nice?

I always like to hear
a young man
has a good appetite

(TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Edmund, how nice you look

Oh

Dressed for the occasion

I didn't realize
there was an occasion

I want to sign my new will
in your presence

Give you a lovely
sense of security

Abby,
I want you to understand

I hope you live forever

I don't want anything
from you

It's not a question
of what you want

It's what I want

And I do not
intend to live forever

If I did, I wouldn't go
flying around in airplanes

I wouldn't sleep a wink

if I don't settle
all this business
before we take off

m*rder of the Year closes,
you know, tomorrow night

I wanna be there
for the last performance

After 19 years,
you've had a pretty good run

Well, the rights belonged
to Phyllis, you know

And to you now,
since the accident

I understand they'll
be doing it in Warsaw

Oh, Edmund, would you
bring me my jewel case
It's in the safe

EDMUND: Certainly

ABIGAIL: Large leather box,
rather flossylooking

You'll find it

Martin is coming with me

He speaks very sternly
to my publishers

Abby, the light doesn't work

Oh

It hasn't worked for months

I'll have to speak
to Veronica about it

Now, this comes

Well, that goes with me

Oh, I'll need some cash

Those metal boxes,
third one from
the top

There you are

My God, Abby

Somebody's God,
I suppose

Back it goes

Respectfully

All right, Abby

Edmund

Nice to see you again, sir

Thank you

Could we gather here,
please?

Abby,
this is your new will

Your signature is here

Edmund, this is your will

Mine?

I took the liberty
of asking Martin

to draw up your will, too

You're my heir,
I'll be your heir

If you should
predecease me,

a most unlikely event,

then the rights
to m*rder of the Year

would come back
to where they started
Is that all right?

I should have
thought of that myself

As you said, Abby,
we have nobody
but each other now

May I have a pen, please?

Aren't you going to read it?

Why?

Don't you think I trust her?

Now, Martin, would you ask
Veronica to witness these?

Abby, that plane is not
going to wait for us

They might if I ask them

It might at that

(DOOR CLOSING)

There
The deed is done

Edmund,
there's just one more thing

Only three people
know the combination

My attorney,
Veronica and myself

Now I want you to have it,
too

Abby, I'd rather I didn't

Well, Martin would also
rather you didn't

But this is my safe

We'll sneak around Martin
and do as I wish

I want you

to drive away,

then come back
the service road

Wait for me
by the side door

and I'll see Martin
doesn't disturb us
for a few minutes

Whatever you say, Abby

Have a fine trip, Abby
Mr Hammond

We will, dear

Abby, we're cutting it
awfully close

I'll just get my coat

Martin, I have to
show you something

Not now, Abby
Now!

I'll say goodbye,
now, ma'am

Goodbye, Annie

Abigail, you are
the most exasperating
woman I have ever met

I accept all superlatives

(CHUCKLES)

It's this switch
It hisses

And the lamps don't go on

There could be a fire

For Pete's sake, Abby

Well, you're so clever
with these things

I won't sleep a wink
if you don't fix it

With what?
This

(CHUCKLING)

Anything, Abby, anything
to get us out of here
Oh, I love you

(INAUDIBLE)

(TICKING)

This is the alarm

It has to be off,
as it is now

Okay

Now, the combination

Write it down, dear

You have to turn
it to the right

three times,

then start it
in this position,

on the 12

Right

No trick at all

Now you must memorize it

(GASPING)

We've forgotten the wills

These have to go in the safe

Where do they go?

Those metal boxes on the top
Okay

Edmund,

you m*rder*d my Phyllis

Do you really think
I didn't know?

Madam, your switch is fixed

Of course, it is

ABIGAIL: Thank you, Martin

Don't dawdle, Martin

Remember,
we do have a plane to catch

MARTIN: The next time, Abby,
let's take the day flight

ABIGAIL:
Days are for work
Nights are for play

Stewardess,
may I have another Scotch?

VERONICA ON PHONE I still
cant believe it, Abby

I opened the safe this morning
and he was there

Edmunds body

You have to come back
right away, please, Abby

ABIGAIL: Stewardess, may I
have another Scotch, please?

(POLICE DISPATCHER
CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Abby, are you all right?

Yes, absolutely
I'm so sorry I had to
call you like this, but

I'm Abigail Mitchell

I heard nothing at all
strange that night

And I'm a very light sleeper

(CLOCK TICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Miss Mitchell?

I'm Sergeant Burke

You know about
the body in there, ma'am?

(STUTTERING) Yes

We'll have the safe
right open

Six, five, four,
three, two, one,
bingo!

Did you hear anything?
Nothing

Soundproof

Excuse me, ma'am

You're Abigail Mitchell,
"the best in m*rder"

I just want to say, ma'am,

that it's a very great honor
to meet a famous author

I just wish
we were meeting
under happier circumstances

Thank you, young man
You're very kind

My name is Lieutenant Columbo,
ma'am Homicide

Mr Galvin, the deceased,
I understand he was
your nephew

No blood relation
He was married to my niece

Yes, your secretary told us

how your niece d*ed

in a boating accident
four months ago

They loved each other so

It's inconceivable that

another accident
could take Edmund's life

Excuse me, ma'am

What accident was that?

My safe, his death

Oh, I doubt that
was an accident, ma'am

I doubt that very much

Now, he did have
the combination
to your safe

I gave it to him last night

And we found it
in his pocket

But could you just take
a look over here, ma'am?

All done, Lieutenant

Anything else?

Out back, Sergeant

You know what
we're looking for

Yes, sir

This is your burglar alarm,
ma'am

When your secretary
came in this morning
to open the safe,

she found the alarm switch on,
like this

Now, the question is,

how did your nephew
get into the safe

all by himself

when the alarm
was on the whole time?

I can't imagine I

I'm so confused

Oh, I can't really imagine
you confused, Miss Mitchell

Not someone who can
plan a m*rder like you

I mean all your mysteries,
ma'am

But me,
I don't mind admitting
that I'm confused and I am

because

we didn't just find
your nephew's body
in the safe

Now, all this was spread out
on the floor of the safe

just the way you see it

(STUTTERING) That's
one of my manuscripts

The Night I Was m*rder*d

Well, it was pulled apart,
ma'am

Nothing missing
All the pages are there

But pulled apart

You don't suppose
Edmund was reading
it to pass the time?

Surely he must have
expected to be rescued

Well, the light in the safe
doesn't work, ma'am

And he only had six matches,

which he used up

Poor soul

Burning up his oxygen

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am
Nothing to write with

But he took off his belt

His belt?

His belt, ma'am

It has little flecks
of black something,
like paint, on the buckle

The medical examiner says
the same black stuff

is under your
nephew's fingernails

Scratching at the door
of his death trap

Oh, hideous

Well, the thing is, ma'am,

the only black paint
around the door

is on the outside

And then, Miss Mitchell,
there are these

Two pieces of paper
with torn edges

Nothing on them

Oh, dear

I'm afraid
I can't absorb it all

Baffling, isn't it?

I was hoping
you might be able to explain

Do you mind
if we leave this room?

The whole thing
is so oppressive

Certainly, ma'am
I understand

Oh, Abby,
I put a tea tray
in the living room

After that, you really
should get some rest

I couldn't possibly, dear

Besides,
I have work to do
with Lieutenant Columbo

"I have work to do
with Lieutenant Columbo"

I wish Mrs Columbo
could hear that

I'll tell you, she's one
of your biggest fans

I mean, the day that
one of your books comes out,

she's the first one
to put her order in
at the library

Delighted, Lieutenant

This certainly
is a charming room

Very nice little things
you have standing around,
ma'am

Very nice

Very nice

You know, a woman
in your position, ma'am,

(PLAYING THIS OLD MAN)

I'm surprised you don't have
an attorney here with you

I don't understand

No I mean,
an important person like you

and how you had your attorney
here last night

and he flew
to New York with you

and I would've thought that
he would come back with you

I did not consider it
appropriate to return

to a corpse in my safe
in my home,

hand in hand with my lawyer

The image lacks civility

One lump, two?

Three, thank you, ma'am

You know what
I'm dying to ask you?

All those books,

all those
brilliant schemes,

how do you think of them?

By putting myself
in your position

Isn't that something?

That's just what
I said to Mrs Columbo

I said,
"When that woman writes,

"she don't think
like a m*rder*r,

"she thinks like a policeman"

(CHUCKLING)

Having composed myself,

I'm ready to think
like a policeman now

I believe I can explain
what happened here
last night

and why the switch
was on this morning

Oh, I would
appreciate that, ma'am
That would be a big help

Uh

Can I sit in this?

Well, that's what
it was made for 400 years ago

(CHAIR CREAKING)

I gave Edmund
the combination to my safe

after my decision to leave him
a great deal of money

Are you aware of that?

Yes, ma'am
We found the wills
in one of those metal boxes

He drove away just before
we left for the airport

My attorney was here
at the time

My maid, my secretary

Later last night,

Edmund must have returned

He knew I keep a great deal
of money in my safe

You mean
he came back to steal?

Well, let's say
to take an advance
against his inheritance

It seems I misjudged Edmund

But you see, Lieutenant,

I neglected to turn
the alarm back on

when I closed the safe
last night

I called Annie
from the airport, my maid

She came into
the living room
to switch it on

Edmund was already
in the safe, I believe

He heard her coming,

he panicked,
he pulled the door shut

and the dial
must have jumped

and locked itself

It does that sometimes
You may check it out
yourself

I already did, ma'am

Well, then you see,
it was an accident

Well,
that certainly makes sense

An accident

That's probably what it was

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me
Lieutenant, we found it

Can I talk to you?

Yes, Sergeant

(INAUDIBLE)

Excuse me, Miss Mitchell

I can't tell you
what a big help you've been

A big help
to Lieutenant Columbo

I wish my publishers
could hear you say that

(DOOR CLOSING)

(COLUMBO WHISTLING
THIS OLD MAN)

(WHISTLING FADES)

VERONICA: Abby

Here, you'd better drink this

It looks like an awful day

Yes, doesn't it, dear?

Nephew's

Wait a minute,
let me see that shoe

That's a very nice shoe

You like that shoe, Sergeant?

It's very nice, Lieutenant

Well, it's practically new

That's terrific
I'm looking for a pair
of shoes just like this

You see,
I like them rounded toes

It's Frenchstyle
The French started that

Oh, made in Italy

Well, what's the difference?
I like them, you see

Used to be very big
in this country

How do, ma'am?

Well, if you fancy them,
Lieutenant,

as Edmund's legal heir,

I'm empowered to make you
a gift of his shoes

Oh, that's very kind of you,
ma'am, but no thanks

It's true I am in the market
for a pair of shoes

and I was caught
by the style,

but they're not my size

They do fit the footprint,
though

We're making
a plaster cast

Yes, very impressive

But we do know
that Edmund was here

Remember? He was
found dead in my safe

Well, the only
question is, ma'am, how
did he get into the house?

Presumably with a key

My niece knew
that I kept them here

She must have told Edmund

Here, wait a minute

There

(GASPING)
Uhoh, fingerprints
Is it too late?

I would say so,
yes, ma'am

Well, then if there's
nothing else

Well, as a matter
of fact, there is,
Miss Mitchell

It's about your
nephew's car keys

You and everyone else
saw him drive away

We found the car back there
on the service road

So he had to have car keys

But there were no
car keys on the body

So the question is,

what happened to his keys?

I can't imagine
What do you think?

Oh, I'm not a writer, ma'am

It's not what I think,
it's what I can prove

And I can't prove a thing
about those car keys

But I'm gonna work on it,
ma'am

I'm gonna work on it
very hard

Could I have one
of these flowers
for Mrs Columbo?

I insist, Lieutenant

Wait till I tell her
it came from Abigail Mitchell

Goodbye, ma'am

Ma'am,
if there's nothing else,

I'll be turning in

Yes, it's time
we all had some rest

What are you doing, Annie?

That policeman, ma'am,
the one that's in charge

He kept putting
his cigar butts in the sand

I dumped it out
and made it nice and fresh

Dumped it where?

In the trash, ma'am

It was just before
the garbage truck come

Oh, thank you, Annie

Oh, ma'am, one more thing

Yes?
There were some keys
here in the sand

Were there?

Yes Miss Veronica
said they were hers

She'd been looking for them

And Miss Veronica
took her keys?

Oh, yes, ma'am

How fortunate for her

Good night, Annie
Good night

Oh, Abby

Before I split,
I thought you might like

the draft of
the women's club speech

Oh, thank you, dear

Good night

Oh, Veronica
Yeah?

Is there anything else?

I can't think of anything

Can you?

Not for now

Tomorrow is another day,
isn't it?

It better be

Good night, boss

Good night

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SCREECHING TO A HALT)

ABIGAIL: You may take this
as another confession

I cannot write
any kind of fiction

that doesn't have
a m*rder or a sleuth
in it There you are

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

As Agatha Christie said
when someone asked her

why she didn't write
other kinds of novels,

"Madam, one does what
one can, not what one can't"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Very good, you know

Putting the m*rder*r
behind bars

is the business
of detective fiction

or committing him
or her to the executioner

Why?

Why do so many readers
take joy in that?

Is it because
we're punishing something
that we feel in ourselves?

Is there m*rder
in our civilized hearts?

Obviously, there is in mine
And I'm wellpaid

(ALL LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING)

Well, now, well, now,

there are murderers
and then there are murders

Once upon a time
the offended party

could issue
a challenge to a duel

What a wonderful solution
to a problem!

By the time
the duel ended,

the problem
no longer existed

Of course, dueling existed
only for our forefathers,

not our foremothers

Chauvinism at its very worst

However, however,

women were the cooks

and there was all sorts
of poison available

(ALL CLAPPING)

(ABIGAIL CHUCKLING)

In our midst today,
ladies,

there is someone who
deals with m*rder

In fact, for him,
it's a fact of life

Real and frightening,
a dark probability from
which he must defend us

I wonder if we could

prevail upon Detective
Lieutenant Columbo

of the Police
Homicide Division

to say a few words to us?

Oh, come on

She got you

You're adorable

Listen! Perhaps, perhaps,

Lieutenant Columbo
will speak to us

on his special field,

hypermodern
chemical techniques

and their application
to advanced criminology

There you go

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I talk better
when this is lit

I didn't expect
anything like this

I came here
just like you to enjoy
the famous Abigail Mitchell

As for all that
chemical stuff,

I think Miss Mitchell
was putting you on

because I don't know
anything about that

And about my work being
dark and frightening,

I'll tell you the truth,

I'm not sure about that,
either

I like my job
Oh, I like it a lot

And I'm not depressed by it

And I don't think
the world is full of criminals

and full of murderers

Because it isn't

It's full of nice people
just like you

And if it wasn't for my job,

I wouldn't be getting
to meet you like this

And I'll tell you
something else

Even with some of
the murderers that I meet,

I even like them, too

Sometimes

Like them
and even respect them

Not for what they did,
certainly not for that

But for that part of them
which is intelligent

or funny or just nice

Because there's niceness
in everyone,

a little bit, anyhow

You can take a cop's word
for it

Thank you, ladies

(ALL CHATTERING)

ABIGAIL:
Oh, thank you, dear

Thank you so much
I'm so glad you liked it

How nice of you to come

Miss Mitchell, ma'am
Yes

I thought you made
a wonderful speech

You're gonna forgive
my little prank?

I'm gonna tell you a secret,
ma'am

I enjoyed myself

(LAUGHING)

I'll tell you the reason
that I wanted to see you,
Miss Mitchell

I would like to
take a look at your
nephew's apartment

Whatever for?

Oh, if I knew that,
ma'am, I wouldn't
have to look at it

Now you're inheriting
the property and all,

so, I'd like you
to be there, too
I could run you over

My car is right here
It's French

Very rare

Oh, yes, I can see why

Would you consider joining me?

I'm gonna make a request,
ma'am

Would you allow me
to drive this car?

Okay
Thank you very much

Abby, are you all set?

Well, it was all set

But you see,
now I have a mission
with Lieutenant Columbo

The travel agency called
about the stateroom

You want me
to take care of it?

Oh, yes
Just tell them "A" deck again
Right

You know, I can remember
the only new car my father
ever bought

How proud he was
The way it smelled

Kind of like the inside
of a Pullman car

It wasn't like this, though,
I'll tell you that
Mmm

My father never owned a car
Not until I bought him one

I was 20
I'd just sold my first book

Shall we compare
poverty stories, Lieutenant?

Not in a RollsRoyce, ma'am

What a treat
to watch a consummate
professional at work

(MUMBLING)
You may ignore me
Proceed to detect

Well, there won't be
much to watch, ma'am

Oh

What did you say
that your nephew
did for a living?

Well, now, you see
those quaint objects
up against the wall?

Those are called skis

And this funny
whatchamacallit,

this over here,
that is called
a tennis racket

Now,
this gizmo on the wall
is a sailboat's wheel

You may deduce what
Edmund did with his time

Any enemies, would you say?

Oh, I can't imagine
why there should be

Are you still going
to hold to that theory

of malice and m*rder?

Until I find those keys,
ma'am

Are they in the drawer?

You're putting me on again,
Miss Mitchell

Would you kindly observe me
in this other room?

Back there at
the Ladies' Club, ma'am,

when you were
talking to Veronica,

she said something
about a stateroom
and you said "A" deck

Oh, yes, yes

I'm sailing in three days
The Far East

Off with the old,
on with the new
Whatever that means

I've decided to do
my new book on shipboard

Oh, I wouldn't count on that,
ma'am

We're gonna need
your presence here in town

until this thing is settled

There's nothing to settle

Bear with me, ma'am

My plans were made
weeks ago

I know you'll understand

I do not understand

You'll have to discuss
this with my attorney

Well, I think we're
finished here, Miss Mitchell

What, precisely, have you
found out from all this
poking around?

I'm surprised, I really am

Didn't you see it?

Evidently not

Your niece and her husband,
you said they were very much
in love

Well, they couldn't have been

In fact,
they must've had
a very poor marriage

You see, Miss Mitchell,
there aren't any pictures
of Edmund's dead wife

Not a single one

And I'll be very glad to
talk to your attorney, ma'am

Playing hooky again, huh?

That's the blessing
of being two years
ahead with my books

I can squander an afternoon

I thought you should know
that Lieutenant Columbo's
back again

Is he?
Mmmhmm In the library

Whatever does he
expect to find in there?

(BEE BUZZING)

These? Edmund's car keys

I knew the police
were looking for them

So were you, Abby
In the sand

How very thoughtful of you,
dear

I believe we'll
have this one, too

Oh, yes, it's lovely

Abby,

I've been meaning to
speak to you about my salary

After all, we've been
together nearly four years

I thought
more like a bonus

Perhaps a long trip
You've never been to Europe

Oh, but I wouldn't wanna
be away from you for too long

Besides, it might end up
like one of your plots

I mean
by the time I get back,

the police might even somehow

suspect me
of murdering Edmund

Yes, I understand

I thought maybe
we could travel together

On your cruise

I've never been on a cruise

Delightful idea
You could help me
with my book

And there'd be plenty of time
to talk about our futures

Oh, Abby, I

I do hope you don't think
I'm forcing myself

Oh, my dear,
I'm always been baffled

by people who say
they won't submit
to force

I can't think of anything else
to submit to, can you?

(CLOCK TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

MARTIN: Lieutenant Columbo?

Lieutenant Columbo?

Yes?

How do you do?

I'm Martin Hammond,
Miss Mitchell's attorney

Oh, right

You were in New York
Yes

Would you care to join me?

Lieutenant,
I trust you realize that

Miss Mitchell is
a rather influential lady

Oh, I'm aware of that, sir

I saw all those pictures
of her

signed by Eisenhower
and Truman

and Kennedy
and Mahatma Gandhi

How did she know
Mahatma Gandhi?

Perhaps from her travels

By the way, she intends
to travel again

She's leaving
the day after tomorrow

Oh, I don't think
I can permit that, sir

Why not?

Well,
as Miss Mitchell said,

the body was found
in her safe in her house

But Edmund
had left this house

He drove away in front
of three witnesses,

one of which was myself

He returned,

well, I don't know when,
but it was some time after

Miss Mitchell had
departed for New York

That's a fact to which
I also am a witness,
Lieutenant

So do you propose
to hold her as a suspect?

No, sir, I don't think
I could properly do that

As a material witness, then?

No, I don't think
I could do that,
either, sir,

since the lady wasn't here

Do you think that
these two pieces of
paper go together, sir?

No, they do not

Would you say
that something is missing?

I would say something
appears to be missing

You're a very good attorney,
sir, very convincing

Goodbye

Goodbye, Lieutenant

Very good lawyer, sir
Very convincing

(MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

Great Roll off
the right foot, honey

Fine

Dance it, enjoy it

Great More hips, hips, hips

Good Now make it
sensual but dignified,

it's not a striptease

Combination, hips Great

Both sides, use both sides

Arms up

Stomach, stomach, good

You're terrific

Excuse the interruption,
ma'am

I'm Lieutenant Columbo
and I'm looking for
a Miss Veronica Bryce

Yes, Lieutenant?

You?

Me!

Excuse the interruption,
I'm sorry

More questions?

Just a few

Thank you
Over here

All right Thank you

Excuse me

Hey, that's quite a costume
you got there, ma'am

I thought this was just some
kind of an exercise class

Well, that's
exactly what it is

Now, what can I do
for you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?
Yes, ma'am Yes

Now, it's about
how you came to find
Edmund's body in the safe

It wasn't very difficult
I just opened the door
and there he was

What I mean is how did
you come to open the safe

on that particular morning
at that particular time?

Do you usually open
the safe once a week,

twice a week, once a month?
How often?

Whenever I have
something to put in it

That morning I'd finished
typing Abby's new book

The Night I was m*rder*d,
that book?

No, no
The Night I was m*rder*d
was last year's book

This is a brandnew one

She told me to be sure
to lock it in the safe

as soon as
I'd finished typing
the last few pages

When did she tell
you that, ma'am,
the night before?

Yes, the night before

Excuse me, Lieutenant,
but this is the last class
before we sail

You mean you're sailing
with Miss Mitchell?

Does that surprise you?

Well, yes, ma'am, it does

It's just that there
in front of the Ladies' Club,

I got the impression that you
were making the arrangements
just for her

Oh, did you?

Well, I'm included now,
is that all right?

Oh, certainly

Excuse me Pardon me

Sorry, sorry, ma'am,
forgive me

(BIRDS CAWING)

COLUMBO: Good morning, ma'am

What a nice surprise

Oh! Good morning, Lieutenant

Do you love surprises
as much as I do?

Well, that depends, ma'am

I've had some nasty ones

And given a few,
I guess

Do you come here often?

Well, sometimes
in the mornings,
walk my dog

Is he all right?

Well, yes, ma'am

Do you see something wrong?

He seems to be
scraping bottom

Well, that's the way
they were made

He likes to
look at the boats

We come down here
in the mornings
and walk and think

In my business,
the thinking never stops

He loves the ocean

How can you tell?
It makes him frisky

Had enough?

Okay Now don't go away
Stay

He's trained

Amazing

I've been
watching the sailboat

Oh, beautiful thing
Not to me

It's like the one
Phyllis was drowned on

I looked into that, ma'am

She disappeared
from the boat

But the police,
they don't know for a fact
that she d*ed of drowning

I didn't know the police
took all that interest

It was so officially closed

Well, there was nothing else
they could do, ma'am

No

Nope Nothing else

That must have
been very hard losing
someone you love like that

I've been very lucky

I've lost my parents,
that's the way of the world

But to lose
someone that young,
that's like being cheated

That's very hard

I'm beginning to be
very fond of you, Lieutenant

I think you're
a very kind man

Don't count on that,
Miss Mitchell

Don't count on it

Here, dog, come here, dog

Come on

I still think
Edmund was m*rder*d

And I'm still looking
for the car keys

When I find the keys,

I'll find the m*rder*r

You quite sure,
Lieutenant?

Very sure, ma'am

These are the car keys

And I didn't m*rder Edmund

He drove away,
I went to New York
Remember?

I found them this morning,
out back

Out back?

COLUMBO: Right there, ma'am?

Next to this sprinkler?

ABIGAIL: Right there

Right there

Well, ma'am,

I don't know what to say

Well, you might say
Edmund dropped his keys

I'm a very old woman
I know you think I'm stupid

To tell you the truth,
I'm only really
intelligent when I write

Still, it seems clear to me,
there was Edmund's car,

there were the keys
and there was Edmund

Yes, ma'am,
that certainly explains it

It certainly does

I'll be running off now

Goodbye, young man

Oh, Lieutenant Columbo

Just one more question

Yes, ma'am

Are you prepared to
drop your m*rder theory?

The ship hasn't sailed yet,
ma'am

(HORN BLARING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Have a fine time now,
ma'am

And you too, Annie
You enjoy your vacation

I will I will

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, Martin

All brighteyed
and bushytailed,
aren't you?

Yes!

Well, you are quite a girl,
Miss Abigail Mitchell

I just write well

Thanks for rescuing me from
the Lieutenant's clutches

Oh, that was my
very great pleasure

Oh, Veronica, bon voyage

Oh, thank you, Mr Hammond

Well, take care, love

And call me any time
you find a body in your safe

Abby, my God,
it's like a dream

How can I thank you?

You'll find a way, my dear

Is it all right
if I go on deck?

You're free to do
whatever you please

Excuse me, Lieutenant

All visitors must go ashore
Are you sailing with me?

Oh, it's not that
I wouldn't like that, ma'am

Mrs Columbo and I tried it
It was terrific

Then goodbye

Thanks for seeing me off

Well, the fact is,
Miss Mitchell, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave with me

Well, that's impossible

Not really, ma'am

I have a bench warrant here
to show to the captain

May I ask why?

Well, ma'am,
it's those car keys again

You see these pictures,
ma'am?

These are sh*ts
of Edmund's footprint

taken out there
in back of your house

That was the day that
Veronica found the body

Now, this picture here,

we had a section
of this blown up

Here's the blowup

You see by this
sprinkler head here,

that's right where you said
you found Edmund's keys

Right under that bush, ma'am

But there aren't
any keys there,

not the day that
Edmund was k*lled

You see that?

So how can you say
that you found them
there yesterday?

The curse of old age,
Lieutenant, forgetfulness

One bush is
much like another

Do you want me to speak
to the captain, ma'am?

I'm gonna be
needing your help
back there at the house

Excuse me,
I need my coat out there

And I'll need mine

(WHIRRING)

If you don't mind, ma'am?

Is this the important help
you needed?

Oh, no, ma'am
I'm gonna need a lot
more help than that

To the desk, ma'am

You see these two
pieces of paper, ma'am?

You can see that
there is a missing piece

And I kept saying to myself,

I kept thinking,

there's Edmund locked
in there in the safe

Now supposing, just supposing,
I'm right and you're wrong,

there he is locked
in there by the m*rder*r

And he certainly must've known
who that was

If I'm right, that is

Would you agree, ma'am?

If you insist

Then, I said to myself,
if I was Edmund,

if I knew I was
going to die in there,

I would want
the m*rder*r punished

I would certainly want
the police to know
who m*rder*d me

But you have nothing
to write with, Edmund

Absolutely correct

And even if I could've
written out an accusation,

I would have no way
of being certain

who would be the first person
to open the safe and find it,

or destroy it

I mean, for all Edmund knew,

it could have been
the m*rder*r who would be

the first person
to open the safe

But I can't get it
out of my head

that the dead man
left us something,

a message

Some sort of sign

(EXCLAIMING)
The missing piece of paper

Not exactly, ma'am

That's a puzzle, all right

But I keep thinking
that Edmund maybe

left us a different
kind of puzzle

These safe deposit boxes,
ma'am,

they've all been in and out of
the safe a half dozen times
since the m*rder

Stacked every which way

May I put them here?
Sure

Now, you remember that
Edmund had black paint

under his fingernails
and on his belt buckle

like he was trying to
scratch at something

And the only black paint with
scratches is on these boxes

Nice, fresh, new scratches

Do you see the scratches,
ma'am?

(EXCLAIMING)

His message from the grave

Please, ma'am,
bear with me

It's like we have
to interpret them,

put them in
some kind of order

If there is an order,
that is

That's why I need your help,
ma'am

Your particular
kind of mind

I suppose we could
start almost anywhere

Let's turn this top box over

and see what that's like

What do you make of that,
ma'am?

A "V" "V" for victory

Perhaps he was
expressing his lifeforce

(GASPING)
Or is it "V" for Veronica?

How very cruel of her

Do you think Veronica did it,
Lieutenant?

Oh, I doubt that, ma'am
I doubt that very much

But she could have
got an idea who did
k*ll him

Really?
What a clever girl she is

Perhaps it's upside down

(EXCLAIMING)

An unfinished "A"
"A" for Annie

Did Annie, my maid, do it?
We haven't got a butler

Abigail Mitchell

"A" for Abigail, ma'am

Was he accusing me?

Are you accusing me,
Lieutenant?

I wasn't here

Right, ma'am
That's a fact

Well, let's take
this second one
and turn it around

Well, we could turn this
upside down and put it on top

Mmmhmm

A "Y"

Maybe it's a cosmic question,
"Why? "

Dear Edmund in the safe,

questioning
the meaning of life

Or why he was m*rder*d,
ma'am?

Oh, every character I write

knows exactly
why he was m*rder*d

Let's try again

About those car keys,

the only way you could have
got them after Edmund left

is for Edmund
to have come back before
you left for the airport

And you were with him, ma'am
Edmund and you were together

That's very extravagant
of you, Lieutenant

Can you prove that?

No, ma'am, no

Not a chance

What do you make of that,
ma'am?

(GROANING)

An arrow An arrow

pointing straight down

Do you think he wanted to call
attention to his new shoes?

Excuse me, ma'am

ABIGAIL: An arrow

pointing straight to heaven
Heaven is my destination?

He wanted us to know
the light doesn't work

He was always
a bit of a complainer

It's the title page
from your manuscript, ma'am

The Night I Was m*rder*d?

It's the missing piece

You see, these two words
have been rubbed out
by a b*rned match

Would you mind
reading it for me, ma'am?

Out loud, please, ma'am?

"I Was m*rder*d"

Go on, ma'am

"by Abigail Mitchell"

m*rder*d by Abigail Mitchell

Deathbed testimony

That's considered very
strong evidence, ma'am

I understand why you
did it, Miss Mitchell

Veronica will spit
when she hears

I don't suppose you would

consider making
an exception in my case?

An old woman,

quite harmless, all in all

Under the circumstances,

your kindness

I thank you
for the compliment

But you're a very
professional person
in your work and so am I

Very professional indeed

Just think, Lieutenant

If you had investigated
my niece's death,

all this need
never have happened