02x09 - Mork's Health Hints

[bunniefuu]

MORK: Nanu, nanu!

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( KNOCK )

Who is it?

( KNOCKING PERSISTS )

Who's there?

( SCREAMS ): Mork!

That novelty store
is a bad influence on you.

I saw this incredible movie.

Oh, Mork,
you scared me to death.

Oh, I'm sorry. My boss said
this would be funny.

I thought an alien would be
funny too, but I guess not.

Was it good for you?

Mort, I know you're working
at a novelty shop,

but, please, don't bring
your work home with you.

Mork!

I'm sorry, Min. Wait,
let me help you dry off.

( BUZZES ) ( SCREAMS )

Mork!

You're so… Just leave me alone,
all right?

I'll do it myself.

I guess I don't understand
very much about Earth humor.

Oh, brother! Yeah.

Well, that's all right,
believe me.

I have a few bleems
to understand you Orkans.

By the way, what is this
message you left for me?

N-F-C-S-T-H-W-C-O.

And what does that mean?

Nfcsthwco.

Oh, Mork.

And what does that mean?

Nelson Flavor called
and said he would come over.

Oh, no. I'm practicing shorthand

so I can have an exciting career
as a credit neurologist.

- Nelson Flavor's my cousin.
- A what?

He's the son of my crazy,
rich aunt.

What's a cousin?

Somebody who's related
to your parents.

Oh, you've struck
a sore note there, Mindy.

I'm a test-tube baby.

Even I'm not related
to my parents.

Why have I never met this man?

Well, he's just so straight.

All right, you want to know
what he does for a living?

He manufactures attaché cases.

Sounds like a brief career.

Ah, but that's his bag,
though. Arr!

He is the kind of guy that
you always get the feeling

he's trying
to sell you something.

He's always slapping you on
the back and shaking your hand.

Oh, combination
mugger and masseuse.

You know, you always have a way
of looking at the bright side.

Well, I have to, Mindy
because, you see,

today I got fired from my job.

Oh, no, Mork, not another one.

Yeah, I sold a whoopee cushion
to a deaf man.

Jeez.

I only have
three music students left.

We're starting to run
kind of low on money.

Well, I have another possibility
for a job today.

I'm going to feed the animals
at the zoo.

Especially the baby elephants.

( KNOCK AT DOOR )
I'd take them for Chinese.

Yeah, but probably the MSG will
make them a little bit hyper.

Probably will, Mork. That sounds
like something you can handle.

Maybe I'll get them stoned first
and they'll get the munchies.

Mindy McConnell, how you doing?

Just fine.

Nelson Flavor, at your service.

I know, Nelson. Gee, I'd give
you one of my cards,

but I left them
in my other dress.

( LAUGHS )

What a little kidder.

( CHUCKLES )

Oh, we used to have such F-U-N.

( CHUCKLES )

Uh, Nelson, I want you to meet
my good friend Mork.

How do you do, Mork?

( BUZZING ) Ah!

( CHUCKLES )

Two little kidders.

Oh!

He was working
in a novelty shop.

Lot of fun.

( CHUCKLES )

Well, Mindy, uh,

reason I stopped by is,

you're my most favorite cousin.

Oh… Hey, wait.

Honesty time.
You're my only cousin.

That's right.

And I just stopped by to say,

"Hey, how you doing?"

Well, I'm…
Well, I'm doing fine.

Uh, since Dad and Grandma
sold the music store,

I've been teaching music
on the side…

NELSON: Great.

Now, with me
there's fantastic news.

I've decided
to go into politics.

Oh, gee, I guess that means

I won't be getting
an attaché case this Christmas.

Oh, darn.

Oh, yes, you will.

You see, the city-council post
is just a part-time job,

so I'll be keeping my business.

Oh, well, I wish you
the best of luck, Nelson,

but, uh, isn't the election
over a year away?

- Oh, yes, it is.
- I gotta start now

if I want my name
to become a household word.

Oh, like "fungus"
or "Johnny Mop."

Sort of.

You see, Mindy,
the reason I stopped by

is that it… There are so many,
many women in my district,

and I wanted to ask you
what they think.

About what?

Anything. Radioactive fallout.

What do women think about
radioactive fallout?

Uh, they're against it.

( IN FEMALE VOICE ):
Hell, no, we won't glow!

Fascinating.

There's a lot more
to this politics business

than meets the old eyeball.

This city-council post
is a steppingstone

to the pinnacle, the ultimate.

Owning your own gas station.

Almost.

I want to be the next Vice
President of the United States,

like my hero, Walter Mondale.

That's quite an ambition.

You think I'm aiming too high?

Well, that's what I want
out of life.

I've studied everything
about Walter.

You know he lives
in Minneapolis?

I read that he lives
in obscurity.

( CHUCKLING ): Friend of yours.

I want to have everything
that Walter has.

I want the power,
I want the glory.

Everything.

Well, excuse me. I… I'm
a little confused by one thing.

Isn't it the purpose
of every politician

to serve people and help them?

Heck of an idea.

You know, that's crazy,

but it's just crazy enough
to work.

I'll do it to help people.

Hey, listen, Nelson,
if you really are interested

in the female point of view,
why don't you hire me?

Yes! You could be
my campaign staff.

How soon can you start?

Sooner, if necessary.

Good. Let's go!

Okay. Hey, Mork,
will you call Jeanie

and tell her I can't meet her
for lunch?

Oh, yes. Tell her I got a job.

All right.

And have a great election.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, it's gone!

Mindy! Mindy, Mindy, Mindy!

Mindy! What? What?

- Have you seen my ex…?
- ( LOUD BANG )

Cigar?

Sure.

Big joke
till somebody gets hurt.

You could put a eye out.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

Okay, see, fellas,
it's like this:

You get this broomstick,

you put a little tape
on the end of it,

you hit the ball,
and then you run after it.

See? Kind of like baseball.

Okay, let me get this straight.

There is absolutely nothing
about this game

that will help me grow
as a person?

I've never heard it
described like that.

- It's… It's stickball.
- You know, it's, uh…

You play it in the street.
You run from sewer to sewer,

and, uh, you…
You use a car for first.

And then you… Like,
a garbage guy for second.

Some… You… You ain't a man
till you hit three sewers,

I'll tell you that.

It's a heck of a game.
It's, uh, super.

Okay, well, so much for bringing
the Bronx to Boulder.

Hey, you know what?

You should have told them
the stick was organic.

These people are incredible.

They don't even leave me tips.

Oh, there is one guy, however,

who does tip me
transcendentally.

Oh, good.

Next time, give him
a transcendental burger.

No buns, no meat.

( CHUCKLES )

You know, Mork and Mindy are
the only normal ones we've met.

Oh, right.

Well, speak of the devil.

( IMITATING PREACHER ):
The devil!

Yea, though he wanders around,

he can hide in the kreplach
and nail you.

Come forward now.

You can leave the potato salad.
Do you know why?

Say "pourquoi" if you know why.
Do you believe? Are you asking?

Pourquoi? Butter!

Come on home! You believe!

Well, at least Mindy's normal.

How you been?

Not bad. I… I got fired
from another job.

Oh, no. Sit down.

What happened this time?

Well, you know, I was supposed
to feed the baby elephants,

so I gave them peanut butter
and their trunks got stuck

to the roof of their mouth.

Then one of them sneezed
and flew across the zoo.

But it's all right, though.

I've got an idea
for a corporate franchise.

It'll be called, um,
Mork's Ice Palace.

Oh. And my motto will be,

"I only have ice for you.
The best you ever thaw."

( LAUGHS ) That's a great idea,

but what are you gonna do
when summer comes?

Stop production.
Don't want to flood the market.

Look, don't be discouraged.

I must have tried
a dozen different things

before I found something
I really liked.

What, running a deli?

No, lying in the sun.

Boy, I gotta tell you, Mork,

I am really proud
of my big brother here.

He gave up all that just
to put me through med school.

Oh. Wish I had a job
so I could be proud of me.

Oh, come on.
Don't worry about it.

Hiya, Mork.

Nice to see you. How's it going?

Mindy said
I could find you here.

Are these your friends?

Oh, Nelson Flavor,
this is Remo and Jean.

How do you do, Remo? Jean?

Say, are you folks, uh,
registered voters?

Yeah, we are. Well, in New York.

Awfully nice
talking to you people.

Listen, Mork, I've got
a little problem.

I wonder if you could
help me with it.

Yeah, that's good thinking.
He'll make it a big problem.

Remo!

I've got too much work.

Far much more work
than Mindy can possibly handle.

I'd like to hire you too.

- Me?
- There's no one else here.
- You mean me?

Oh, joyous exaltation.

♪ Hallelujah Hallelujah ♪

Whoo! Hot dog!

Yeow! Woah-ho-ho-ho!

I'm okay, now.

REMO: Hey!

Thataway, boy! Play hard to get.

Mindy said that you were
very conscientious,

so I'm gonna make you
my executive assistant.

Oh, executive? Does that mean
I don't have to work now?

We'll take a meeting on it.

Fantastic. Welcome aboard.

Glad to have you on the team.

- Thanks, N.F. When do I start?
- Have your service call mine.

Right away. And you call me N.

In fact, you can call me
anything you want,

but don't call me
late for dinner.

( LAUGHING ): I love that joke!

JEAN: Mork.

Good luck.

Hey, Morko, don't blow it.

Hey, uh, wait a minute.

( CHUCKLES )

Mork, what are you doing
with that money?

I always see people forget it,
so I'm gonna give it back.

Mork, that's my money.

Oh, yeah? Describe it.

Round and silver.

Boy, is my face red.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( MORK SINGING GIBBERISH )

Yeah!

♪ Gonna see
What flavors they got ♪

♪ Flavors, ha
Political innuendo, yeah ♪

Hm, yeah!

I had no idea political activism

could be so stimulating.

Really? I'm kind of bored.

Well, at least
we're getting paid.

Yeah. Eighty bucks a week
isn't much.

Wait a minute!
Did you say $80 a week?

Mm-hm.

He's only paying me 60.

That's because I'm an executive.

- You're an executive?
- My title is "office girl."

Well, you get me a dress
and I'll be an office girl.

Well, how we doing today, team?

Ha, ha, ha.

How you doing, Mindy?

Well, that depends, Nelson.

Why are you paying him
more than me?

Oh, he's an executive.

So, what does that mean?
He gets a bigger stapler?

No, that means that he does
all the important,

difficult jobs,

so you're free to make coffee.

What are you, Nelson?
Some kind of a male chauvinist?

Well, look, I don't mind
making a little coffee,

but there's no reason
why he shouldn't too.

Well, all right. I'll go get
a pan and fry some up right now.

I'm… I'm sorry, Mindy.

I thought making coffee
was what women did.

Isn't it genetic?

Oh, sure.

I'm getting some
negative vibes right now.

You want me to hire
another girl?

Why not let the boy do it?

( IN SOUTHERN ACCENT ):
I'll just go in the backyard.

You know,
get out of the house…

This entire subject is academic.

I have some very important news.

Are you interested?

After close scrutiny
of my financial status,

I decided that I can only afford
to pay one of my assistants.

MORK: No.

The first job
I was ever able to keep,

and I wasn't able to keep it.

NELSON:
Oh, no, I don't want to fire you.

Your work's been excellent.

Well, you sure can't fire me.
You'd die of thirst.

That's true.

Therefore, in the true spirit
of American competition,

I'm gonna let the two of you
battle it out to the death.

I can't. I… I care a lot
about Mindy.

And besides, what would I do
without me?

Uh, no, no, that was a…

That was a kind
of a figure of speech.

I'm going to observe you
for a couple of days,

and I'm gonna choose one of you.

Oh, let her have it, please.
She needs a job more than I do.

No, no, no, wait a minute, Mork.

I do want the job,
but you can't just give up.

If you want something,
you gotta fight for it.

I don't want to fight you.

Yeah, but it's not
that kind of fighting.

Competing is healthy.

Well, are you gonna compete?

Sure.

All right. I don't want you
to compete against yourself,

so I'll compete too.

Good boy!

I wish you good luck.

And may the best man win.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

( YAWNING ): Oh, yeah!

Any coffee?

One sec…
Sure, I have it right here,

just the way you like it.
It's ready and waiting.

Oh, I didn't want any
with cream.

Oh, you don't want it
with cream?

I have the history
of coffee right here.

We've got your cappuccino.

We have a little bit
of espresso right there. Whoa!

We've got your coffee
with cream, without cream,

with sugar, with lots of sugar
for your hypoglycemics,

and coffee with no coffee
at all.

Whoop! Listen. Can you hear
inflation? Too late.

Very, very, very impressive.

Very impressive.

But why do you have one
without coffee?

Well, it's kind of a Zen coffee.

It doesn't keep you awake
at night

and gives you kind of that
nirvana buzz.

( IMITATES BUZZING )

Very efficient.

Very efficient.

Efficient.

Me, Morko.

Min.

Yes?

Are you mad?

( CHUCKLES )

Do I look mad?

Oh, no.

Mork… Min?

I'm mad.

Why?

I thought we'd both try
to do the job as best we could.

I know.

You're busy trying to prove
you can hold a job,

and I'm busy trying to prove
that Nelson's a sexist.

Don't all humans have sex?

See, there are just some people
that believe

that men are more capable
than women.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Men and women are equal

throughout the universe
except on Venus.

Oh, yeah? What's so special
about Venus?

Dogs rule the planet and the
cats have to make the coffee.

The point is, is we're acting
ridiculous. Look at us.

So let's try to handle
this situation

in a mature, adult manner,

okay? I agree.

Good.

Excuse me, can I help you?

Well, I hope so.

I sell prosthetic dog ears
for Doberman pinschers.

Yeah, I'll help you better,
though.

Well, I got a problem.
I cater to the curb trade and…

Oh, well, if you have a problem,

I happen to be Mr. Flavor's
personal secretary…

Well, I'm his personal
executive secretary,

and I'll kiss
and make it better. No lie.

( CHUCKLING ):
Yes. Don't mind him.

He's really not a well man.

I, on the other hand,
am a very capable woman

who is privy to even the most
top-secret aspects

of Mr. Flavor's campaign.

Yes, but I'm
his campaign manager.

Say, it with me, now:
Nelson Flavor!

You know it.

BOTH: Nelson Flavor.

You're a fan of it.
It's vanilla.

We're talking all-American,
melting in the hot sun…

( SCREAMS )
…moist, with a cherry on top!

Uh, sir?

Uh… Uh, I wish
you'd come out of there.

We're… We're really
trying to help you.

Something going on here?

No.

No. Just trying
to hold the wall up.

Hold the wall up.

Foundation's weak.

What was that?

Big rat.

Who's in there?

Pinocchio.

Are you Flavor? Uh, yes, I am.

I got a problem, Flavor.

I'll… I'll… I'll help you
with your problem

but first you'll have to
come out of the closet.

Oh, I don't think
that's his problem.

Okay. Tell the g*ons
to take a walk first.

Is that all?

No.

- Look, I'm in canine prostheses.
- Mm-hm.

The city's tearing up the
pavement in front of my store.

I thought maybe
you could stop it.

No problem.

I'll take care of it personally

just as soon as I'm elected.

You have Nelson Flavor
personally to thank.

Here, have a hat.

Take this brochure. Read up
all about me. Don't thank me.

Thank the friends who gave us
all those contributions.

Word of advice, Flavor,

with these two around,
I wouldn't run for office.

I'd run for cover.

Uh, Nelson, don't you think
there's probably a good reason

why the city is tearing up
that man's sidewalk?

There is?

This is probably a more
complex issue than I thought.

Uh… Uh, Mork, give me
a full report on this subject.

Right away.

All right, how is this one?
How about this for a byline:

"Sidewalks aren't all
they're cracked up to be.

Need concrete solution"?

Fantastic! Ha-ha!

I love the way this boy thinks!

Wait a minute. What a mind.

Did you hear that?

Nelson, shouldn't I write
that report?

I mean, after all,
I was hired first.

I have seniority.

Oh, so now you're pretending
to be a Mexican?

Look, Nelson, if you want
to get elected,

you're gonna have to pay
attention to the women's vote.

Now, what about Mrs. Hodges?

She's the head of the Women's
Political League in Boulder.

She's a very important person.

Yes, that's true,
and she's a woman too.

And my landlady, Mrs. Burns.
She's a woman too.

They're everywhere.

I can help you with all of them.

Hm. This is becoming harder
and harder by every…

You got the political savvy,

and you've got all the contacts.

Mork, prepare a report

on who you think
I should hire for this.

Get me in triplicate.

Give me the original,
you keep a copy,

and, uh, throw a copy away.

- Wait a minute! Mork!
- Come on… Nelson!

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.
I tell you what.

I'll make my decision
this evening.

You two take the night off
on me.

And, uh, I'll see one of you
later.

( LAUGHS ): Get it?

Well, Mindy, maybe you're right.

We should be mature about this.

Deal with it as adults.

I'll tell you what.
I'll race you home.

You forget, I have wheels.

Ah-ha! But I've got
more of them!

( UPBEAT THEM PLAYING )

( CHUCKLES )

( THUMP )

Are you still mad at me?

Oh, Mork, do I look mad?

Oh, yeah.

You're catching on.

Min, what's wrong?

We used to have so much fun.

I know, Mork.

It's all because
of this dumb job.

Well, you take the dumb job.

No. Listen, tell you what.

Tomorrow morning,
we'll both go down there

and we'll both tell him
that if he can't find the money

to… To pay us both,
then we'll both quit.

It's a deal?

It's a deal. Okay.

On Ork we call it a partnership
or a group corporation.

Really? Same thing on Earth.

Small world, aren't it?

( KNOCK AT DOOR )

I'll get it. Uh…!

( CLEARS THROAT ): Excuse me.

I wonder who that is.

Sounds to me
like someone with knuckles.

Hiya, Mindy!

Hi, Nelson.
What are you doing here?

Well, I was out politicking
in the neighborhood

and, uh, thought I'd come by.

I've, uh, made my decision.

Well, we've made
a decision too, Nelson.

We've decided that no job

is worth what you've been
putting us through.

And Mork and I care for
each other very much,

but having to compete like this

is making us act
like different people.

And we don't like those kind
of people.

So you either hire
the both of us or we both quit.

I accept your resignation.

Listen, none of your
political jargon, now.

I don't want any Nixonisms. I
want the truth. Honest answers.

Come on, now, clown prince.
How about it? Whoo! Right here.

I'm ready for it.
Let me have it.

That was an answer. We're out.

We are?

I'm terribly sorry,
but I realized

I have a moral obligation
to hire a minority.

I'd like you to meet her.

Suzy!

Oh, here, let me
carry those for you.

Yes. She's a minority?

Uh, Swedish.

That should help you
with the bleached vote.

Just one more thing, Mindy.

I'm speaking to a women's rights
rally tomorrow

and I wanted to know what's
a good subject to speak about?

How about, um,
looking nice for Mr. Right?

I think they'll really
respond to that.

Oh, thanks.

Well, I'll see you guys later.

Us blonds are gonna go
have more fun.

( LAUGHS )

Rod Stewart.

Oh, we… We go see Rod Stewart?

No, we're not going
to see Rod Stewart!

Well. Well,

I've lost another job,
haven't I?

Oh, Mork.

I mean, look at it this way:

You… You've already got a job
observing Earth, right?

Right.

And you're doing pretty well
at that, right?

Well, I… I guess you're right.

Well, so, what does it matter

that you're having
a little trouble

finding the right Earth job?

Well, doesn't matter.

Good. So at least
we're friends again.

No. Why not?

We haven't sealed our
partnership.

Oh. All right, well, on Earth,
we do that by shaking hands.

On Ork, we do it
by trading clothes.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )

MORK: Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

ORSON: So, Mork,

did you finally get that job

you've been talking about?

Oh, not exactly, your bloatness.

It seems here that on Earth,

everyone finds a need
to compete with each other.

They compete in sports,
in work, in everything.

What do they get if they win?

Something called an ulcer, sir.

I don't know what it is,
but it must be wonderful

because everyone
who's successful gets one.

I guess it'll be a while

before you put an ulcer
on your mantelpiece.

Oh, noshu, chiefsmoke.

Although Mindy and I
did have a competition.

Oh? Who won?

We both did, sir.
We decided to stick together.

That's very good, Mork.

You're learning about
cooperation and maturity.

Oh, yes, your preachiness.

I've learned that even though
you win that ulcer,

it's no fun
if you've lost the one

that you wanted
to share it with.

Till next week, nanu, nanu.

( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )