Good morning.
Good morning, Eddie.
Eddie, I'm very upset
with you this morning.
I told you to keep Spot's
water dish filled out in the yard.
Last night he got thirsty,
and he went down the street...
and drained Mr. and
Mrs. Hazlett's pool.
- I'm sorry. I forgot.
- Well, Mrs. Hazlett just phoned.
She was very embarrassed when her
husband went out to take his morning dip...
and dove into an empty pool.
What kind of a
neighborhood is this...
where people begrudge a poor,
dumb animal a drink of water?
[Chuckling] Good morning,
everybody. Good morning.
Morning, dear. [Chuckles]
What are your plans
for the weekend, dear?
I just thought I'd stick
around the house.
As a matter of fact, I thought
I might work on the car.
It needs a thorough checkup.
Herman, please, take
it to the service station.
You're not very mechanical.
You're all thumbs.
No, I'm not. Hmph.
What, do you think I was put together by
some kind of nut? Well, please be careful.
Every time you plan a weekend
project, you get in trouble.
Lily, please.
Don't be silly, dear.
How could a clear-thinking,
intelligent person such as I...
get in any kind of
trouble? [Laughing]
Hmm? If you'll get up out
of the oatmeal, I'll tell you.
Alfred, that looks like the perfect
spot to stage our next accident...
The intersection of Mockingbird
Lane and Maple Drive.
Yeah, it's a nice, quiet
residential neighborhood.
But where are we gonna
get a victim, now that
Double-jointed Benny's
been picked up by the cops?
Alfred, I gotta admit that
with that scarred face of his...
and his knack for being able
to throw his bones out of joint,
the insurance companies did
pay off without a second look.
Now, don't worry. We'll find
somebody to take his place.
But where? This
is a big city, Alfred.
Somewhere there must
be some big, stupid guy...
with a face that looks like it's been
in an accident before it happens.
What's new in the paper,
Grandpa? Oh, nothing much.
The New York Museum is sending
some archaeologist to Transylvania.
Hmm. Well, I hope they
don't dig up anyone we know.
Say, listen to this.
"Police Seek Accident
Ring." Oh, what's that about?
Well, they're after
a bunch of crooks...
who stage phony accidents to
gyp the insurance companies.
Phony accidents.
Yes. Isn't that terrible?
Everything is so
synthetic these days.
[Wind Whistling]
Well, I checked the oil
and the transmission.
Now all I have to
check is the differential.
Are you gonna jack up the rear
end? Exactly what I'm gonna do.
[Grunting]
[Laughing]
I'll go get the wrench, Pop.
The corner of Mockingbird Lane and Maple
Drive oughta be around here somewhere.
But, J.R., what's the
sense of sizing it up for
an accident when we
don't even have a victim?
First, we gotta get the lay
of the land, then the victim.
Look, J.R. There's some character
working under that wild-lookin' hot rod.
Maybe he could tell us
where Maple Drive is.
Uh, say, buddy?
Uh, yes. Can I help you?
Uh, excuse me.
Did you ever see such a face?
That's a face?
It must be. He's
talking out of it.
That's the first time I ever
saw a ready-made victim.
Uh, tell me something, sir.
How would you like to get in
on a great moneymaking career?
Oh, I'm sorry,
gentlemen, but, you see,
I've already taken a
course in hotel management.
[Laughing] No,
it's nothing like that.
I'm J.R. Finlater, and this is
my associate, Alfred Swanson.
And have we got a deal for you.
Herman, you're
going to be a what?
You heard me, Lily.
I'm gonna be an actor and
a star in a million-dollar epic.
Herman, two men from Hollywood
happened to come along...
and discover you while you
were working on your differential?
Well, they said Lana Turner was
discovered exactly the same way,
only she was sitting
on a stool in a drugstore.
One of them's a writer, and
one of them's a producer.
That's just where I've been
now. They asked me to their office,
and I signed a contract, and
they start sh**ting me tomorrow.
- sh**ting you?
- Lily, that's a show business
expression, like "Roll 'em,"
"Lights, " "Action, " "Anchors
away," that kind of stuff.
Well, darling, this
is such a surprise.
I know you've got
the looks and the
personality, but you've
never had any training.
Well, Lily, they explained that
it's a documentary, like Naked City.
What they're after
is stark realism.
And they said I was as stark
as anything they've ever seen.
Herman, oh, this
is... This is wonderful.
You, a movie star!
Yes. And, Lily, I'm
doing it all for my family.
We're gonna move to Hollywood, to a
nice, expensive house in Beverly Hills.
And you'll have diamonds, and
Eddie will go to a private school...
where they'll spoil him rotten.
And, Grandpa, you can fly
back and forth to the Old Country.
I do that all the time, anyway.
No, but I mean in an
airplane, and first-class.
That might not be
bad for a change,
to see how the other half flies.
Oh, my son-in-law,
the movie star.
Herman, where's that contract?
You better have me look it over.
They're keeping it for
me down there on file.
And there's no need to worry. I looked
it over very quickly before I signed it.
And it's got everything in it,
including double indemnity.
Double indemnity? What's
that doing in a contract?
Well, they explained
that's the title of the picture.
It's a remake, and I'm doing
the old Fred MacMurray part.
Oh, dear.
Herman, if you have to kiss
your leading lady, I'll just die.
Oh, don't put
yourself out, dear.
But if it bothers you, I'll have them
use doubles for all that mushy stuff.
Uh, when does this great
epic start, uh, sh**ting?
First thing tomorrow morning on the
corner of Mockingbird Lane and Maple Drive.
Oh! How thrilling.
We'll all be down to watch you.
Oh, no, you don't. Uh,
not tomorrow morning.
You see, they're sh**ting the big scene.
They're sh**ting the end of the picture.
They sh**t the end
of the picture first?
Oh, they always do.
And I know it's the end because
as I was leaving the office,
I heard the producer
say to the writer,
"Tomorrow will really
be the finish for him."
[Laughing]
Would you run through the
scene just once more, Mr. J.R.?
Why, certainly. Now, this
is the climax of the picture.
Now, you, as the hero, are
on your way to meet the girl,
when, suddenly, you step
off the curb and, whammo!
You are struck down
by a speeding car.
Couldn't that be a little dangerous?
Yeah, well, it don't actually hit you.
It kind of swerves and misses
you at the last minute. Gotcha.
Excuse me. Yeah?
Excuse me, but
where's the camera?
Oh, uh, the camera. Well,
uh, I'll tell you, Munster.
For the sake of
realism, we've got the
camera hidden in that
mail truck over there.
Very clever.
[Chuckling] Get ready, Alfred!
Just one more question.
Why is your writer driving the
car that's almost gonna hit me?
My writer? Uh, well, because...
not only is Alfred another
Tennessee Williams,
but he also happens to be the
greatest stunt driver in Hollywood.
Well, that's nice.
Okay, Alfred!
[Tires Squealing]
J.R.? Yeah, what is it now?
Well, you forgot to yell, "Roll
'em," and all that kind of stuff.
We can't forget that, can we?
I forgot to say “Roll 'em."
Let's go again, Alfred!
Roll 'em!
[Sighs]
You know something, J.R.?
What, Munster?
If he doesn't write any better
than he drives, we're in big trouble.
May I have my
tea now, Aunt Lily?
In a minute, Marilyn, as soon
as the whistling teakettle boils.
[Factory Whistle]
There we are.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, by the way, Herman phoned.
He said they're gonna sh**t the
movie in a vacant alley this afternoon.
They ran into some kind
of trouble on the street.
It'll be neat, having a father
who's a real movie star.
It's a very colorful
profession, Eddie.
When I was younger
in the Old Country,
I used to hang around the stage
door and put the bite on all the actors.
You borrowed money from them?
No, I put the bite on 'em.
I bet Herman'll be tired and
hungry when he gets home.
I think I'll put a little something
out on the table for him to nibble on.
[Sighs] He just
loves his little snacks.
Now, Herman, in this scene,
you're leaning against
the building right over here.
You're reading this newspaper,
and you're waiting for your sweetheart.
I see. Uh... Oh.
Right on this chalk mark. Right.
That's it. Ah-ah,
not quite so far.
A little bit to the left,
Herman. A little bit more.
That's the idea. [Laughing]
That's good.
That's fine, Hermie.
Just like that.
Perfect.
Yeah, that's great. Oh.
Excuse me, Mr. J.R., but
where's the camera this time?
Oh, uh, the camera? Oh, uh, you
see that ice cream truck over there?
Hmm? Here. Over here.
- Oh, yes.
- It's hidden inside.
Good thinking. But, J.R., it
occurred to me that the camera...
Look, Herman, why're you
making a big thing out of it?
All you have to do is
stand right here on the chalk
mark and don't do
nothin' till I yell, "Action!"
- Well, what about "Roll 'em"?
- "Action"!
I never realized how hard moving pictures
were on producers and writers. Hmm.
Herman, the first
day of sh**ting,
and they're shutting down the picture
already? I hope they haven't called it off.
You said you were
gonna be a movie star,
and I've been out all
afternoon pricing mink shrouds.
Yeah, and I've been practicing
to be a precocious little brat,
so I'll be ready when
I move to Hollywood.
Now, listen, everybody.
Just calm down.
They said it was just a
temporary postponement
till the producer gets
out of the hospital.
He's got a concussion.
They said it was one
of those temporary little
delays that happen all
the time in Hollywood.
Well, I'm glad everything's
gonna be all right.
Oh, Herman, I just can't wait to
see your face on a wide screen,
feet wide and feet tall.
The audiences'
eyes will just pop out.
Oh, I think it's gonna
be an excellent picture.
J.R. told me they're
working on a new ending
for tomorrow that's
gonna be a k*ller.
How does it look,
J.R.? Great, Alfred.
Now, all we have to do is to get
Munster to go through that door,
and then it's one, two, three,
instant double indemnity.
[Alfred Whistles]
I just hope he don't land on
somebody and get us a counterclaim.
Stop worrying, will you?
We'll be at that claims office,
collecting on a policy before
he even hits the ground.
Uh... Uh, close the
door. I can't stand heights.
I just told Spot about moving to
Hollywood, and he's real excited.
Oh, good!
Hey, Spot, how would
you like to meet Lassie?
[Growling]
How would you like to meet
Ed, the talking horse? [Growling]
Hey, uh, Spot, would you
like to meet Carroll Baker?
[Growling]
Oh, Grandpa, stop that.
Spot was never that
way till you let him eat...
that copy of The
Carpetbaggers. Good morning, all.
[All] Ooh!
Herman, you're magnificent!
You look so glamorous.
Pop, you're a gas!
Please, fans, no autographs.
The Method Actor?
One must dig deep to come
up with the right character.
You're telling me. That's
how I found my first wives.
Well, I must be going.
Good-bye, dear. We're
sh**ting interiors today.
I'll try to give you a blast on the
horn between takes. [Chuckles]
This is the most exciting
thing that ever happened...
You in pictures.
Lily, dear, tut, tut, tut, tut.
When one has talent, one
must take these things in stride.
Bye, all.
[Sighs]
Now, Munster, this is the most
crucial scene of the whole picture,
although it's a simple one.
Simple? Right. Now, when we
open up, you're seated at the desk.
I'm seated. Right.
When I give you the cue,
you get up, run across the room,
fling open that door marked
"private" and step inside.
I think I get it. I get
up, go across the room,
fling open that
door and step inside.
Right. Just a minute
now, and I'll check the set.
All set. All set?
Uh, no. No?
No? No.
What's the motivation?
Alfred, give him the
motivation. Uh, uh, me? Uh, uh...
Oh. Uh, well...
Well, you see, you're
working here at the office, see,
and it's, uh...
It's late at night.
And then suddenly from the other room
you hear a scream. It's your sweetheart.
You jump up, and
you run to the door,
and you say, "I'm
coming, darling!"
And you dash inside.
All right. Shall we...
Shall we make it?
Uh, no. No?
No. As they say in Hollywood,
it... just doesn't grab me.
It's right here, Lily... another
article about that accident ring.
Good heavens, Grandpa!
It says, "They pose
as movie producers...
"to lure their victims
into accidents.
Then they collect
the insurance."
And that big dummy Herman signed
a contract with double indemnity.
Now they're gonna wreck
him and collect on the accident.
Oh, my poor Herman!
They'll hurt my sweet
baby. What'll we do?
I can't let anything happen to him.
Who's gonna support me in my old age?
Oh, this is terrible. [Growling]
Don't panic, Spot. Turn down your
burner. Give us a chance to think.
We've gotta keep cool. The
thing to do is call the police.
Oh, come on, Grandpa. Let's.
Well, what's the matter?
I forgot where the
phone is. Oh, Grandpa!
Now, look, Munster. I rewrote
the whole scene for you.
Will you listen to it? sh**t.
This is the office of the
boss of the syndicate.
Right.
Now, it's late at night. Yeah?
And you're going through the
desk, looking for the papers...
that'll save the United States
from being blown to bits.
Huh. Now, suddenly,
from the next room,
you hear a scream.
Uh, but it's not my
sweetheart again.
What sweetheart? It's...
It's your mother. Yeah.
Mother? Yeah, your mother
that you haven't seen in years.
I think it might be
a little too cliché.
Well, y-y-you
didn't let me finish.
You see, because after
the scream, you hear a bark.
Bark? Yeah, a
bark... woof, woof!
Because tied up in
there with your mother...
is the collie dog that
pulled you out of the well...
when you was a little
bitty boy in Scotland.
Now you're talking motivation.
All right now! Then let's
make a take. What do you say?
Right. Right.
There we go. All right.
Sit down... in the seat.
That's the idea. Ready. A...
Action!
Start going through the drawers.
Now you hear your mother scream.
[J. R. Screaming]
And the dog bark! Woof, woof!
Now what's the matter?
We left the camera
in the ice cream truck.
No, no!
That's right, Officer. And now
they're gonna stage an accident...
and collect on his insurance.
Tell them to hurry, Grandpa.
They may be doing away with
Herman at this very moment.
He says, unless someone
stole our bicycle, he can't help us.
Oh! He's giving me
another department.
Now, look, Munster.
Everything is all set.
Now, pay attention. Here.
The camera is behind
this picture. All right?
Your mother and the
dog are in the other room.
Now, let's make a take, huh, for
the final and last time? You ready?
Uh...
Ready. All right. Action!
Now you hear your
mother scream. Aaah!
Woof, woof.
Coming, Mother!
Here! Here!
Here!
You're in the closet!
Look, it's not this
door. It's this door!
A baby can do
it, it's so simple!
All you do is you go to
this door, open the door...
and step inside!
Say, uh, uh, there's
no mother in there,
or a dog or anything.
Uh, there's not
even a room in there.
They must've moved it. I think
you fellows are trying to hurt me.
You know, if you keep this
up, I might get very angry.
I might even report you to
the Better Business Bureau.
Mm, so there.
So you see, Herman,
they were trying to injure you to
collect on the policy you signed.
You know, Lily,
there oughta be a law
against things like this.
Law? Of course there's a law.
And as law-abiding citizens,
we are gonna go to the police station
and file a complaint against these crooks.
Herman, you had us so worried.
One of these days, you'll
put us all in an early grave.
Isn't that just like Lily?
Always looking at the
bright side of things.
And let's be thankful we've
seen the last of these men.
Yeah, J.R., I think the big
goon finally got wise to us.
Our next move is to
get out of town. Yeah?
But first we're gonna make a little
call on our friend Herman Munster...
and put him on
permanent suspension...
in that big movie
studio in the sky.
Gee, what a creepy place.
Looks like rigor mortis set in.
Yeah, and it's about to set
in on Mr. Herman Munster.
Open the door. Why me?
Open the door!
[Door Creaking]
He must be upstairs. Call
him. We'll take care of him.
Mr. Munster. Herman, baby.
Come on down. We
got something for ya.
[Growling] [Yelling]
[Gasps] Did you hear that? I
think something frightened Spot.
Boy, Spot must've
been really shook up.
He b*rned all the
paint off the door.