[Herman] Oh, my,
that looks yummy, Lily.
I'll bet there's not a family on the block
that's having a meal like this tonight.
Well, thank you, dear.
But before we start,
Eddie has some news for us tonight
about school, haven't you, Eddie?
That's right. This Saturday
night is talent night at school.
- Talent night?
- Yeah. It's going to be held
in the school gym.
And if any kid has someone
in his family who has talent,
he's supposed to
volunteer them to perform.
And did you volunteer a
member of your family to perform?
Oh, sure. I volunteered the one
who has the most talent off all. Fine.
- What time do I have to be there?
- Oh, I didn't volunteer you, Grandpa.
I told 'em my Pop would
perform on talent night.
- Herman?
- Me?
Uh, hmm, hmm. Well, uh,
well, now. How about that?
♪♪ [Humming]
♪♪ [Bass Note] [Off-key]
Herman?
Herman? Herman!
May I ask you something?
Why of course, Grandpa. Just
what do you think you're doing?
I'm trying to decide what to sing
at Eddie's school on talent night.
You are going to sing?
That's right. And why not?
After all, as they
used to say...
"Herman Munster has the finest
set of pipes in Transylvania."
Herman, they were talking about
your circulatory system, not your singing.
Very funny. You're just jealous because
Eddie volunteered me instead of you.
[Laughing]
And as that great philosopher, Steve
Allen, has said on many occasions...
"Jealousy is the stinkweed
in the garden of life."
♪ Sweetest little fella ♪
♪ Everybody knows ♪
♪ Don't know what to call him ♪
♪ But he's mighty like a rose ♪♪
[Rumbling] [Explosions]
Herman, wh-what happened?
Uh, what happened?
Bobby Darin here just
brought down the house.
Grandpa. Grandpa, there must be something
Herman can do to entertain on talent night.
If he lets Eddie down,
he'll be so disappointed.
I know, Lily. And when
it comes to Herman, I'm
going to break a long-standing
American tradition.
I'm gonna be nice
to my son-in-law.
How kind and noble
you've become since you've
started reading Mary Worth.
What are you gonna do?
Come with me,
Lily. I'll show you.
- Ballet slippers?
- Magic ballet slippers.
When Herman puts these
on, he'll get instant talent.
I got the recipe from Hans Christian
Andersen. I'll show you how they work.
[Grandpa] "Ballet, Old Soft Shoe,
Mexican Hat Dance, the Twist."
Now, I take this
magic dancing powder,
sprinkle it on the shoes,
and they start to dance.
"Sleeping Beauty, Swan
Lake, Nutcracker Suite...
Swing it, shoesies,
with a ballet b*at."
♪♪ [Tchaikovsky:
"Dance Of The Reeds"]
Oh, Grandpa, how wonderful!
I know. Okay, fellows, that's
enough for now. Take five.
Herman, I made these ballet
slippers in your size... E.
I'll just tie a little
bow over the ankle.
Oh, they're so cute.
But gee, Lily, I... Golly, I don't want
to do the ballet at Eddie's school.
People might get
the wrong impression.
You know, that I was a...
Communist or something.
You don't have to do the ballet.
Just pick any magic
dancing powder you want
for any kind of dance
you want. Be my guest.
Go ahead, Herman, for
Eddie's sake? All right.
[Sighs] Hmm.
Uh, let's try the Old
Soft Shoe. Good.
There always was a little
Gene Kelly in me. [Chuckles]
Where they got it from, I'll
never know, but there was.
Put the other foot on,
please. Thank you. [Chuckles]
A little Soft Shoe.
[Chuckles] There you are.
Hurry, Grandpa, I'm so excited.
You know, I think I'll sprinkle a
little Indian Rain Dance powder on.
We've had a dry spell lately. Might
as well k*ll two birds with one stone.
"Heel and toe it,
make us know it.
Strut your stuff and
really show it." Whoosh!
Uh! He's doing the ballet.
Holy mackerel! That's not "Soft
Shoe." I used the wrong powder.
[Crash]
Oh, dear! He can't stop!
Grandpa, do something.
[Laughing]
Oh, this is terrible! How
long will he keep on dancing?
Oh, two, maybe three hours.
Well, there's one consolation. At
least he'll be home in time for lunch.
[Thunder] Oh, well, it's not a
total loss. It's started to rain.
[Hissing]
Ooh. Oh, that feels good.
[Hissing] Ahh.
Herman. Herman,
will you listen to me?
Look, all I have to do is take these shoes
to the shoemaker, have them resoled...
and then the night of the talent
show you'll be in business again.
Uh, no, no,
Grandpa. It's no use.
When it comes to talent, Herman
Munster is a complete washout.
I'm just gonna have to tell my little boy
that his daddy is a great big stupid lox.
No, dear. You're a
great big lovable lox.
Pop! Pop! Hey, Pop!
I just talked to my teacher
again about talent night, Oh, uh...
And you won't have to sing or dance
or juggle or any of that corny stuff.
Oh, good, because... 'Cause I
volunteered you for the best spot of all.
I said you were the
world's greatest magician.
[Laughing]
[Grandpa] Oh, boy!
Well, Herman, the
world's greatest magician.
Uh, what do you
have to say to that?
Bibble ibble ibble ibble
ibble ibble ibble ibble.
♪♪ [Organ: Carnival]
There.
I shall now make a few
passes over the hat...
and I shall proceed to pull a live
chicken from the hat. [Chuckles]
- Oh, Herman, you're so clever.
- Please, dear. Don't egg me on.
[Laughing]
[Crunching]
This is the loosest
chicken I ever saw.
If you'll just allow me a few
minutes for a little bit more practice?
Of course, Uncle Herman. Now
you just call us when you're ready.
Fine. Fine. I'll be
ready. [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
Brawwk! What's up, Doc?
Uh, I seem to have
run out of eggs.
Uh, do you think
you could oblige?
Don't look at me, buster.
My name's Charlie. Brawwk!
At least he could
have made an effort.
[Blows Raspberry]
[Sighs] Please, Grandpa.
You've got to do the
magic for Uncle Herman.
Oh, but you mustn't let him
know. It would just break his heart.
I'm sorry. I helped him with the
dancing shoes. I'm not gonna try again.
Grandpa, how can you act like that
after all Herman has done for you?
Why, if it wasn't for him,
you'd still be back in the
Old Country, hanging
around in some damp old cave,
scratching fleas out of
your wings and wondering
who your next square
meal was coming from.
I guess you're right, Lily.
In the hustle-bustle of
daily living, we're inclined
to forget those golden
moments of kindness. I'll do it.
Where is the bum?
Now, here we are.
[Sighs] And now, without
further ado... [Chuckles]
I shall proceed to pull a
live chicken from the hat.
[Chuckling]
[Clucking]
I did it! I did it! I did it! I
did it! I did it! I'm a magician!
[Laughing]
[Laughing Continues]
Oh, boy!
Lily, this book... how corny can you
get? It's got jokes with the tricks yet.
Never mind the jokes, Grandpa.
When Herman does those tricks tonight
at school, are you sure they're gonna work?
Lily, with me in the wings, he'll look
like the greatest magician since Merlin.
Why, there's not a trick in this book
that I can't do with my eyes closed.
Oh, Marilyn, lunch is almost ready.
Have you seen Herman and Eddie?
Oh, yes. They're
down in the lab.
Uncle Herman wants to practice his magic
act, so he'll be all ready for tonight.
He's so proud thinking he can do
magic. I hope nothing goes wrong.
How can anything go wrong? If
he sticks to the tricks in this book,
there's not a chance of him
making a boob of himself.
♪♪ [Harmonica,
Bells, Percussion]
Well, Herman, you're on next.
This is your chance, Herman.
Grandpa, Grandpa, Grandpa.
Calm down, calm down.
Anyone would think
you were performing.
Just stand in the wings
and watch. [Chuckles]
Yes. Uh, thank you very
much, Teddy Branston's father.
[Applause]
Now I'm sure you all recognized
"Clair de Lune" too. [Applause]
Now, uh, according to our
program here, we're in for a real treat.
Uh, we have magic, uh, as
performed by Munster the Magnificent!
♪♪ [Carnival] [Applause]
[Murmuring]
Now where did that come from?
I get it. It's a gag.
He's a clown magician.
Yeah. What a getup. Gee,
look at the size of that guy.
Wow! Looks like there could be
two fathers inside that costume. Yeah.
I'd like to introduce myself.
I'm Herman Munster, and my
family's in the iron and steel business.
My mother irons
and my father steals.
[Applause] [Laughing]
- [Whistling, Cheering]
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Oh, oh, please. Oh, oh,
you're too kind. Thank you.
[Clears Throat] Tonight, I have
some amazing magic in store for you,
but first, I would like to introduce
my assistant, Marilyn Munster.
[Cheering, Applause]
[Snaps Finger] ♪♪ [Carnival]
[Tapping]
[Applause]
Five, six, seven, eight...
[Applause]
Now you know what's
been holding up the act.
These aren't mine. They
belong to my brother-in-law.
But he doesn't need them. His wife is
the one who wears the pants in his family.
[Laughing]
Grandpa! Wasn't there
a rabbit in that hat?
I got it out just in
time. The big goof!
And now, miss,
if you would permit me to
place this egg on your head.
And now, if you will
watch my assistant closely.
[Squeaking]
[Applause]
I guess she must have
had bats in her belfry.
The last time I saw a ham that
big, it was in a butcher's window.
And now for the grand finale.
My wife is standing
in the wings.
I'm going to ask my wife
to come out here on stage,
and I am then going to proceed to
make my wife disappear. [Laughing]
A trick which any
husband should appreciate.
Make me disappear? What is this?
I don't know. Th-That
trick wasn't in the book.
[Audience Murmuring] Excuse me.
Come on, Lily, we're on. But,
Herman, you can't do that trick.
And just why can't I? 'Cause it's
not in the book, and I don't know it.
Who cares whether you know it or
not? I'm doing the magic. [Chuckles]
Come on. No. Herman,
I have news for you.
Uh, well, Grandpa's been
standing back here in the wings...
making all your
tricks work for you.
That's right. I've done
every one of them.
Oh, I get it. I've been
out there doing magic
and making a big hit...
[Audience Stomping Feet]
and you want to stand here in the
wings and get all the credit. [Chuckles]
[Stomping Continues] Uh, be
right with you, folks. [Chuckling]
[Applause] Hear that? Hear that?
That proves I'm a
better magician than you
are. Hear that applause?
Those are my people.
Come on, Lily. But, Herman...
Lily, dear, come on.
They're calling for us.
The show must go on.
[Applause]
Ladies and gentlemen...
Mrs. Munster.
[Applause]
I want you to take a good look at her,
because she's not gonna be here long.
[Laughing]
I wish you now to
observe this cabinet.
Solid on this
side, solid in back,
solid... solid...
solid all the way
around. [Chuckles]
And now, Lily, dear,
if you please. ♪♪ [Piano]
[Chuckling]
Isn't that just like a woman?
She doesn't want to go anywhere
where she can't spend money.
"Alakazee, kazi, kazeer.
Woman in the
cabinet, disappear!"
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. ♪♪ [Rim sh*t]
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
uh, for a more difficult trick...
and to me, a more painful trick.
I will now make my
wife reappear. [Laughing]
"Alakazee, kazi, kazeer.
Woman in the cabinet, reappear!"
[Applause] Thank you.
Not now. [Applause Continues]
Marilyn, not now
during the bows, dear.
Not during the applause, dear.
[Whispering] [Chuckles]
Lily, where are you? Lily? Lily?
Uh, where are you, dear? Lily!
Lily! [Chuckles]
Lily! Come back, Lily! Lily!
Lily! Uh-Uh-Uh,
Grandpa, help me!
"Alakazee, kazi, kazeer!" Lily!
Lily!
Uh, listen, Eddie, uh,
about your mother...
Pop, we've looked
for her a million times.
She isn't there.
She's disappeared.
Yes, well, I wanted to
talk to you about this.
Uh, just come over here. I
want to, uh, tell you something.
What is it, Pop?
Eddie, I've just
discovered something.
What?
I'm a widow and
you're an orphan,
and it's all my fault.
Hi, Herman. Oh, Grandpa!
What's new? Grandpa!
Grandpa, you've got to help me!
You've got to make Lily reappear!
Me? You're the big magician.
All I do is stand in
the wings and watch.
Oh, Grandpa, Grandpa.
I'm sorry about that.
I don't know what
happened. The trick backfired.
Well, how could
that have happened?
Well, all I did
was... I'll show you.
I put Lily in the cabinet...
I pull the curtain,
I said a few magic words,
and I push the button...
and then I open the
curtains and she was gone.
Grandpa, you've got to help me.
Lily! Lily, you've... you've
come back! [Laughing]
Hi, Mom. I'm glad you're
back. Pop was really crackin' up.
Oh, was he, Eddie? Oh,
thank you, Grandpa, thank you.
Lily, sweetheart, I will
never do magic again.
I shall be humble
and contrite and...
Oh, Lily, I don't know
what I'd do without you.
Believe me, Lily, I don't.
Do you really mean
that, pussycat?
Of course I do, sweetheart.
Besides, your-your name's
on all the bath towels.
And if I ever got married again, I'd
have to find someone named Lily.