01x38 - Yes, Galen, There Is a Herman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.
1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
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01x38 - Yes, Galen, There Is a Herman

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, goody, hopscotch.


- [Laughs]
- Hello, mister.

Oh! Hi there, young fella.

Is that some sort of game
you're playing?

No, it's not a game.
I've got my head stuck in here.

Oh, my. Well, uh, in that case,
you should summon assistance.

- Huh?
- You know, call for help.

But I don't wanna do that,
'cause people would come
and laugh at me.

And then my parents would find out
and yell at me for being dumb.

Oh, yeah, I know.

That can be annoying.

Allow me.

There you go.

That was real neat.
You must be the strongest guy
in the whole world.

Well, with the possible exception
of Li'I Abner.

- What's your name?
- Uh, my name's Mr. Munster.

But you can call me Uncle Herman.

My name is Galen Livingston Stewart,
but you may call me Gale.

Oh, thank you.
Pleased to meet you, Gale.

It's been a pleasure
saving your life.

Do you come by here every day?
Yes, I do.

- Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
- Oh, that would be real boss.

Uh, that means "keen."

I just can't wait to tell my parents
about you, Uncle Herman. Good-bye.


So, uh, Eddie,
I said to Queen Isabella,

"Why not give
this Columbus cat the jewels?

"I mean, after all,
they're not doing anyone any good
lying around in the top drawer.

And besides, he might take a cruise
and find something good."

And that, Eddie, is how
Columbus discovered America.

Gee, Grandpa, you've had
a lot of neat adventures.

Oh, yes, Eddie,
over the centuries,
you can say I got around.

A very interesting thing
happened to me on the way home
from work today.

Oh, that's fine.
Eddie, Eddie, don't just sit there.

Wolf down your food.

I was walking along
the street today...

Grandpa, would you slice me
another piece of meat?


Thank you.

It just so happens
that today...

I saved a boy's life.

Mm, that's fine.
Oh, Grandpa, you're not eating.

Well, doesn't anyone want to
hear about my heroic deed?

All right, Herman.
What did you do?

Yes, Herman, we're listening.

I just might not tell you now.

Pass the brussels sprouts, please.

Now wait a minute.
I'm gonna tell you what happened,

and my whole family's
gonna listen!

my rotten ol' father-in-law.

Okay, Pop, how did you
save a boy's life?

Well, this boy had his head
through an iron fence,

and I unbent the bars
and let him out.
Big deal.

Well, if I hadn't,
his bones would have rotted
right there on the sidewalk...

and hurt the neighborhood...

and brought down property values
and everything.

So there!

Herman Munster,
you are a plain, ordinary man...

in a plain, ordinaryjob.

Now why must you insist
on these fantastic stories
just to get attention?

But it's true, dear!
It-It's true.
I did save his life.

And his name is
Galen Livingston Stewart,
and he's my friend.

And I'm gonna
meet him there tomorrow.

Herman, you and your stories.

Sometimes you act so childish,
it's hard to believe you're years old.

Galen Livingston Stewart,
you and your stories.

Sometimes you act so childish,
it's hard to believe
you're nine years old.

But it did happen, Mom.

He did save my life,
and he told me
to call him Uncle Herman.

Just what did this Uncle Herman
look like, son?

Well, he's about nine feet tall,
and his head was flat.

He had these things
sticking out of his neck.

His hands
were sewed on to his wrists,
and he's all green.

Galen Stewart,
you get upstairs
to bed this instant.

But it's true, Mom.
There is an Uncle Herman.

All right, upstairs, young man.

And I've warned you about telling
these fantastic stories before.

Excuse me.

I ask you, John,
where would Galen
get these ideas...

about these weird-looking,
frightening creatures?

I don't know, dear.
Maybe he spent too much time
with your relatives.

There we are.

Hey, that looks pretty neat.
What is it?

What is it?
It's my old movie projector.
I got it out of the attic.

I'm gonna show
some of my home movies.

I put a new motor in it.
[Door Creaks]


That's great!

That's a -cubic-inch squirrel
with overhead cam
and hydraulic lifts.

How long have you been
taking home movies, Grandpa?

All my life.

As a matter of fact,
I was taking movies years
before the camera was invented.

- Gee, that must have been hard.
- Of course it was.

And I'll tell you something else.

There wasn't even a drugstore
to develop the film.

Grandpa.! Eddie.!
Is Herman down there with you?

No, Mom. Grandpa and I
are just goofin' off by ourselves.

[Door Creaks]

Uncle Herman
should be home by now.

I know. But, you see,
down at the parlor,

they put him in charge
of the complaint department.

He may be working late,
straightening out a customer.


Boy, Uncle Herman,
I really scared you, didn't I?

Oh. Oh, it's you, Gale.

I almost jumped out of my skin.

And in this cold weather,
that can be very uncomfortable.

Say listen, Gale,
I'm on my way home right now.

And I have a little boy at home
just your age.

How would you like to
come along and meet him?

That'd be great.
Oh, good. Come on.
It's just a few blocks.

Oh, uh, just a minute.


Nothing, really.

[Door Creaks]

Yoo-hoo, Herman's home!

Boy, this is the neatest house
I've ever been in.

Oh, you're just saying that.
Come on.

Oh, there you are.!
You have company.

Yes. I would like you to meet
Galen Livingston Stewart.

How do you...
Uncle Herman, is this your mommy?

Oh, heavens, no.
This is our poor,
unfortunate niece, Marilyn.

The rest of the family's
down in the dungeon.

Grandpa's going to show
some home movies.

Oh, that sounds like fun.
Would you like to see them, Gale?

- I think that'd be a gas.
- Perceptive little fellow, isn't he?

[Door Creaks]

After you, Marilyn.

[Projector Whirring]

Grandpa. Grandpa.

Uncle Herman's here,
and he's brought a friend.

Oh, dear. I hope it's not
another one of those stuffed shirts
from the parlor.

Grandpa, Lily, Eddie,
I would like you to meet...

the little boy whose life I saved
and who will be eternally grateful...

Galen Stewart.

Hi, Gale.

Oh, hello.
Hello, little boy.

Hiya, kid.
Now here, sit right down here,

and don't make any noise
during the movies.

[Plastic Crinkling]


[Loud Crunching]

Herman, please!

[Projector Whirring]

That's when I played
the Loew's Palermo
with my magic act.

I brought the house down
every night.

Oh, I remember that.
That's the time with
that backyard barbecue at Pompeii.

Things went a little
out of hand.

Oh, look, Grandpa.

Those are the shots
you took of King Arthur.

Yeah, he was mad
at the Saxon g*ng...

for stealing the hubcaps
off his chariot.

Boy, there was some rumble
down at the old stone bridge.

A lot of water
went under that bridge.

Yeah, and a lot ofknights too.

Oh, there are
those two fun fellows,
Burke and Hare.

I remember we were going out
on a party, and they were trying
to dig up a couple of friends.

There we are.
Typical Sunday traffic
on the Appian Way.

L-I think the fellow on the left
is looking for the off-ramp.

He never did find it.

Well, well, well,
the old homestead.

Gale, that's where I spent
most of my childhood,

in three different jars.

Oh, dear, look.!
There's my old music teacher...

before he went
with Guy Lombardo.

Hejust disappeared.

No, I think he just took five.

And the house has trapdoors
and secret panels.

And their little kid Eddie
has fangs and pointed ears.

And his grandfather's
about years old
and looks like Dracula.

I've never heard anything
so ridiculous in my life!

And the mother has long black hair,
and she's green like Uncle Herman.

And they've got
a real, real neat pet,

who lives under the stairs
and breathes f*re and smoke.

And they showed home movies
of the burning of Rome...

and all that kind of stuff.

I said out!
You get up to your room...

and don't you leave it
until you're told.

But what if I get hungry?

Well, maybe
your green Uncle Herman...

will come on over
with a nice big, fat, juicy
Dracula burger.

Charcoal-broiled by that pet
that lives under the stairs.

Yes, sir.

John, what are we
going to do about Galen?

His imagination is just fantastic,
those ridiculous lies.

I don't know.
I think it's getting serious.

I think I'll have to take him
to a good psychiatrist...

and see if he can't
get to the bottom
of these weird fantasies.


Did you make up wild stories
like that when you were his age?

Certainly not.

Well, I made up stories
about Indians and people
getting scalped...

and guys being eaten by cannibals,
but I had a perfectly normal childhood.

?? [Humming]

What are you doing,
Aunt Lily?

I'm filling the wastebaskets,

Oh, dear. I hope I have
enough trash to go around.

Well, the trashman
will be here tomorrow.

I'm sure we can
get by till then.

Hey, Mom, is Pop home
from work yet?

Not yet, Eddie.
He'll be here soon.

Well, I want him
to help me to find Spot.

He got out of his yard again.

Oh, dear.

The last time he got out,
he went over to Grant Avenue...

and ate all the tops
off the telephone poles.

[Door Opens, Closes]

Oh, Herman,
there you are, dear.

Hey, Pop,
have you seen Spot?

No. And I didn't see
Gale either.

I waited for him a half hour today,
but he didn't show up.

I had to play two games
of hopscotch by myself.

Well, may-maybe he had to
stay after school or something.

No, dear, I'm afraid not.

I haven't seen him
for three whole days.

I'm afraid he just doesn't
want to see me anymore.

Oh, Herman.

You can't expect to be a big hero
and save a boy's life every day.

Normal people like us
just don't have exciting adventures
all the time.

Well, my life
is duller than most.

The most exciting thing
that happened to me before this...

was years ago, when a man
stopped me on the street...

and asked me if I was voting
for Alf Landon.

Well, d-don't worry
about Galen, Herman.
You'll see him again.

He's probably at home now,
playing with some friend...

who's more on
his own age level.

Sure, Pop. Come on
and help me find Spot.

I think he'll come
if you whistle for him.

All right.

Spot! Here, Spot!

[Foghorn Blasts]

[German Accent]
So, this, uh, playmate of yours,

this Uncle Herman,
is nine foot tall,

he's all green in the face.

Und on top of his neck,
his head is bolted on, ja?

Yes. And he lives in
a neat old haunted house
with a dungeon.

And they have a real neat pet
who lives under the stairs
and breathes f*re.

You see, Mr. And Mrs. Stewart,
you have here a very intelligent boy.

He remembers all the details.

Now, young man,
if you'll be so nice, you'll go
upstairs to your room and wait.

Ja? Good boy.

Stay away from the windows.

Uh, what do you think,
Dr. Leinbach?

What do I think?
Well, I think...

Well, I think that the boy
has obsessive juvenile fantasies,

coupled with
an overstimulated psyche.

In other words, he is creating
a fantasy world of his own.

See, of course, in reality,
we know that there is
no nine-foot giant.

There is no haunted house.
There is no dungeon.

- You mean he makes it all up?
- Ja.

You see, the little Kind
looks at nothing and sees something.

Looking at nothing
and seeing something...
oh, oh, oh, that's bad.

Of course, looking at something
and seeing nothing,
that ain't so good either.

Well, what should we do,
Dr. Leinbach?

Well, the first thing
you've got to do
is to get him to a doctor.

Well, that's why I called you.

Ja. Now let me see
if I can think of somebody.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What are we doing here?

I'm a doctor.

I'm a doctor.
I forget sometimes.

Uh, what do you suggest?

Ah, well, I think
we have to rid the boy
of these illusions...

by exposing them as false.

You see, now I, myself,
will take little Galen personally
by the hand...

to this fictitious house
with these fictitious people,

and then when he sees
the reality that there is
no such house...

and there is no such people,
he's cured, ja?

Now, please, the boy
from the room, call down.

Call Galen.

Galen, would you come down now?

Yeah, come on down, son.

You and me,
we're going to take a little walk...

and meet your Uncle Herman



Now none of that, Spot.
Sit! Stay!

Now, Spot, cut that out.

That Spot.

Thanks for helping me
find him, Dad.

Oh, that's quite all right, Eddie.
But you must remember
to keep him chained in the backyard.

And we've got to break him
of that habit of sneaking down
to the wrecking yard...

and begging for leftovers.

Yeah. Last week he got ahold
of an old Edsel,

and he was sick for three days.

Hey, Grandpa's taking his nap.
Would you come down in the dungeon...

and run some more
of his home movies for me?

Sure. Which ones
would you like to see, Eddie?

Oh, how about the track meet
in Transylvania you were in,

when you were a young guy?

Oh, you mean
that cross-country run?

You know, Eddie,
I was so far ahead of the pack,

the crowd had to
run after me with torches
to show me the finish line.

Come on.

[Wolf Howling]

See, Dr. Leinbach,
there is too such a house.

Ja, ja, I see a house.

But I also know little boys.

You see an old,
broken-down house,

and you imagine
that it's haunted with green men...

and dungeons
and all sorts of crazy things.

But this is where
Uncle Herman lives.
I want you to meet him.

Sure. Sure.
Meet your Uncle Herman.

Go on.
We'll knock on the door.

[Knocking Echoes]

Eh, nobody comes, see?

So I prove to you
it's an empty house,

and you forget
all of this nonsense
and we go home.

You forget all about it.
All right? Come on.

[Footsteps Approaching]
Quiet. Someone's coming.

[Door Creaks]
Yes? May I help you?

Excuse me, lady. Uh,

you live here?

Well, yes.
We've lived here for years.

Oh, why hello, Galen.

How are you?
Hi, Marilyn.
I brought a friend of mine over.

He wants to meet
Aunt Lily, Grandpa,
Uncle Herman and Eddie.

Oh, that's just fine.
They're all home.
Won't you come in?

If you'll wait just a minute,
I'll tell Aunt Lily you're here.

Aunt Lily! Aunt Lily?

You see, such a nice lady.

You wanna meet Spot?

Spot? Spot?
What is a Spot, what?

Their pet who lives
under the stairs.
I told you about him.

Oh, sure, sure.
Him I gotta meet.


you didn't see an animal.

In reality, you saw
a gas pipe with a leak.
You understand?

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Whoever saw a gas pipe
with eyes and teeth?

Uh, may I help you?

Hi, Aunt Lily. I brought
a friend of mine over, Dr. Leinbach.

Oh, how do you do?

Oh, excuse my appearance.
I was just getting some olives
out of the jar.

If she was getting olives,
I'd hate to see the martinis.

Uh, Marilyn said
you wanted to meet the family.

Well, Grandpa's right in here
taking his siesta.

Let me wake him up.

No, no, no, no, no!
Please, please, don't disturb him.

Oh, all right,
but I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

He hangs around the house
like this all the time.

Isn't this a neat place,
Dr. Leinbach?

Where's Uncle Herman
and Eddie?

Oh, well, they're both
downstairs in the dungeon.

I'll get them.

get a grip on yourself!

You're seeing things
the kid made up!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I know what it is.

I didn't wake up
this morning.

I'm having one of them
Freudian dreams.

Look at him.
Look at him.

Look at him
hanging there like a bat.

He can't be real.
I'll pinch him.

[Squeaks Like A Bat]
No! No! No! No! No!

Oh, now here are
my two boys now.

Hi, Gale.
Hi, Eddie.

Oh, hi, Gale.
How are you, son?

Oh, and who is this
you brought with you?

Uh, Herman,
this is Dr. Leinbach.

Oh, how do you do,
Dr. Leinbach?

You are Uncle Herman?

- Oh, you're German?
- Ja.

Oh, by any chance, did you know
my family doctor in Germany...

Dr. Frankenstein?

He made me what I am today.

Come on. Come on, Leinbach.
Don't go to pieces.

Remember your training...
years in Vienna.

Now you know that
what you are seeing over there
doesn't really exist.

It's all in the mind.
It's nothing.

So, please, you're going to
turn around...

and walk right through
that Uncle Herman
as if he was air.

That way you'll prove
that he's nothing.

So come on, Siegfried,
you can do it, huh?
Come on.

Oh, good heavens!
What happened?

That is the hardest hunk
of nothing I ever saw.

Uncle Herman, I think
I'd better take him home.

He looks like he might
get carsick in the house.

- Oh, that's a shame.
- Stick with me, kid.

I'm a sick man.

Drop in anytime.

[Door Opens, Closes]

I don't know what kind
of a doctor he is,

but, you know,
he oughta see a psychiatrist.

That's right, Mom and Dad.
We went over to that
neat old haunted house.

Dr. Leinbach met Uncle Herman
and the whole family.

Oh, now, Galen...
Now please, dear. Please.

Galen, we believe you.

We believe that he met everybody
and saw everybody.

He met and saw the pet
that breathes f*re,

and the grandpa
who sleeps upside down.

And the little boy with the pointed ears.
And especially green old Uncle Herman.

We believe you.
Now, you've had quite a day.

Why don't you go upstairs
and take your nap.
Okay, Pop.

And thank you for believing
about Uncle Herman.

That's all right.

John Stewart,
what did you do that for?

Now he'll go on believing
in those stories he made up.

Oh, look, honey.
Today, a kid hasn't got
very much he can believe in,

in the way of fairy stories and giants
and knights in armor.

Now if he's got
a little Uncle Herman
to believe in,

let him hold on to it
as long as he can.

Maybe you're right, dear.

Oh, by the way, Dr. Leinbach
sent his nurse over today
with his bill.

Well, he didn't waste
any time, did he?

No. But it's a funny thing.

A well-known doctor like that,
writing his bills with a crayon?
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