02x02 - Poppy's by the Tree Pt. 2

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

* And at dinnertime
We stopped and walked back *

*To the house to eat *

* And mama hollered out
The backdoor y'all remember *

* To wipe your feet *

* And then she said,
I got some news this mornin' *

* From Choctaw Ridge *

* Today Billie Joe McAllister *

* Jumped off
The Tallahatchie bridge *

Harold,
this place stinks.

I don't know
why you took me here.

The air conditioner
isn't working,

the room service
is terrible,

and will you listen
to that radio?

[TURNS RADIO OFF]

This place is a disgrace!

It's a disgrace.

And what about
the towels?

I asked for towels.

How come they don't
have towels in this place?

This place
is a disgrace!

It's a disgrace.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Hmm.

Finally.

Come in.

A disgrace.

Where are the towels?

I don't see any towels.

Wh-what is that
behind your back?

What-- Hey!

Aah!

Okay, it's vacation time.

Peg, kids, we're going
to Poppy's by the Tree

in picturesque
Dumpwater, Florida.

Show some excitement!

Well, I guess
it's up to me.

Dad?
Yes, Bud?

I thought we all
voted on Hawaii?

That was just a vote, Bud.
Didn't mean anything.

Al, honey,
you promised this year

we could take
a real vacation.

You know, someplace we don't
look out our windows

and see chain
gangs working.

Come on, Peg.

We still sing those songs
we learned down there.

But this year I found
something really special.

Look at this brochure, Peg.

This place has
everything Hawaii has.

It's got sunshine,
a palm tree...

uh, quicksand.

But the best part is,
it's in the United States.

So are the sewers
of Manhattan, Dad.

Or am I spoiling
next year's vacation?

Al, we all appreciate your
efforts at finding

the cheapest places in America,
but Dumpwater, Florida, Al?

You're gonna judge a place
by its name?

If we did that, we never
would have experienced

Six Toe,
Arkansas.

Remember that soup,
kids?

And don't forget those
underground fires.

Dumpwater's gonna make
Six Toe look sick.

And the best part is,
it's only $ a night.

See that'll give us plenty
of extra money to...

Well, let's see...

I don't know, but it'll
leave us plenty of money.

My decision is made.

Now, if people don't want
to go to Poppy's,

we can use that money
to buy one of those

soft toilet seats,
and make every day a vacation.

Poppy's.
Poppy's.

Well, kids,
it is near a nice tree.

You betcha, Peg.

And the best part is--

We're taking the family car.

You betcha.

And that way, we get
to see all the sights.

You mean like the house
that defies gravity?

That's our first stop.

That was supposed to be
a surprise for the kids.

You didn't hear that, kids.

Uh, yeah, we did, Dad.

Actually, Dad,

can we listen to the oldies
station all the way down?

Please?
We can.

Do we get to stop at Howard
Johnson's for Pez?

We do.

And all the way
through speed-trap country,

do I get to pretend
I'm in labor?

You do.

Now, kids, I want you
to go upstairs,

lay out all the clothes
you want to take,

and keep this in mind--

the first Howard Johnson's,
the Pez is on dad.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be
Robin Leach.

Can I get some
help here?

Well, here it is.

But please be very careful
with our luggage.

We just got it.

We'll treat it as
if it were our own.

Then I can't let you have it.

Hey, she brought
the camera.

Oh, now,
Steve loves this camera.

Please be very careful
with it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, guys.

I was just cleaning out the
garage and I found our luggage.

It's not the greatest,
but it's all we've got.

Someday we'll get good luggage,
but right now,

it will have to do.

And you're more
than welcome to it.

Now, here's our camera.

It's not much,
but it's all we've got.

You're more than welcome to--

Marcie, that's
our good luggage.

You gave them
our good luggage?

Smile!

God, I hate them.

So, where are
you headed?

Well, where's
the one place you would go

if you could go anywhere?

Greece?

That's right, we're going
to Dumpwater, Florida.

U.S. of A.

Dad, our clothes are all
ready for Stinkwater.

That's Dumpwater, kids.

Come here.
Peg, you, too.

Now, I know this is not your
first choice for a vacation.

Does it show, Dad?
Shut up, Bud.

I'm trying to explain something
important to all of you.

Now, we're poor, so we're going
to Dumpwater, Florida.

But let's look
at the positive side.

It's a week where you
don't have to go to school.

It's a week where I don't
have to go to work.

And Peg...

well, every day's
a vacation to you,

so what am I talking
to you for?

Now let's see some smiles,

because tomorrow,
the memories begin.

[CAR ENGINE RUNNING]

AL: Who wants Pez?

BUD: Aw, leave us alone.

AL: Well, there it is-- The
biggest sinkhole in the south.

We're really seeing
America now, eh, kids?

BUD: Aww.

AL: What's wrong
with you people?

AL: Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream--

Everybody!

PEG, BUD, KELLY:
Leave us alone.

[POLICE SIREN]

PEG: Yes, officer, I'm due
to give birth any minute.

No, an escort to the hospital
won't be necessary, officer.

We want our child
to be born in Florida.

Dumpwater, Florida.

PEG:
Where are the kids?

[TIRES SCREECH]

Hot.

Hot.

Hot.

Who you think's gonna
get k*lled this time?

We're here!

Let the good times roll!

Looks better than the brochure,
doesn't it, Peg?

Hey, Jethro.

You wanna get a picture
of me and the family?

Yeah.

They'll be wanting one
for the paper.

Just say, "gator bait."

Ah, smell that air.

I'll open a window, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, in your brochure it said
that you have a TV.

Yes, ma'am,
but not in the rooms.

We meant the town has one.

Aw, gee, Al.

No TV.

I guess that means
we'll just have to...

entertain ourselves
at night.

Well, who has it,
and how far is it?

Where do we sleep,
out behind the still?

She must of been mighty
scared once,

for her hair to have turned
white at such a young age.

Right through this door.

Aw, hey. I asked
for the twin beds.

Dad, I don't think these
are exact twins.

One has a lawnmower
on it.

Well, enjoy your stay, folks.

And remember our motto:

"If we don't have it, you should
have brought it with you."

And remember our motto:
"We don't have it."

Well, kids,
what do you think?

I think that if I can get
a rope over that beam,

that I can hang myself.

I'll help you find one.

[DOOR SLAMS]

What's the matter
with everybody?

We're all mad at you, Al.

We wanted to go to Hawaii.

Ah, what's so great
about Hawaii?

The sun shines down here too.

But look what it lights up.

It's--
It's just different.

It's...

It's $ a night, Peg.

Couldn't you learn to like it?

Well...okay, I'll try.

But you know you got to admit

there is something weird
about this place.

I mean the people,
the way they look at you...

like you're dinner.

That's ridiculous, Peg.

There's nobody looking at us.

I tell you,
this place is fine.

Your problem
is you're a city girl.

You don't know
how to unwind.

Or keep house or get a job
or bring any money home.

Now, eh, let's look
at our complimentary

Dumpwater Floridian and see
what the town has to offer.

Uh...where's
the entertainment section?

Ah.
Page two.

Here we go.

Oh, look.

There's a two-headed pickled
goat down by the courthouse.

Oh, Al.

Let's do something
we can't do at home.

Fine. How about looking
for a good meal?

Let's not argue.

As pathetic as it is,
you are my husband,

and this is
our vacation.

That's the spirit, Peg.

Ah...look here.

Tonight at the high school--

"Meet the man
who met Andy Griffith."

Are you that jaded, Peg?

Hi.

I brought you some towels
and some T.P.

Didn't you see the
"Do not disturb" sign?

Oh, we just put that out
as a nicety.

I mean, nobody
here's gonna disturb you.

I'll just put the T.P.
in the B.R.

No, no.

Not over there.

Could you put it down
over there?

You look like a nice couple.

Oh, you too.

I picked this towel
special for you.

Don't tell anybody
that I gave it to you.

Is there anything else
I can do for you?

Gee, I don't know.

Al, you want her
to bend over again

you know, to pick up
your tongue or anything?

Peg, just stand there and age.

I'm busy.

Let me get the door
for you.

Your husband really
is sweet.

Hm. That must be why
the flies love him.

Don't you forget to use
that special towel now.

She's out the door, Al.

Gee, this is nice here.

Let's move here.

Well, you just keep pulling
in those big bucks,

and in years, maybe we can
afford a shack just like this.

You're jealous because
you don't have a special towel.

Oh, why don't you
take a shower

and wash off
that special odor.

You know, Peg, I don't know
what's so special

about this towel.

We'll steal it anyway.

" a.m."

" a.m."

Damn, I had a.m.
last time.

Hell, we always find
the bodies before a.m.

Here's my dollar.

All right!
Midnight.

ALL: Ooh.

Hey, Becky.

You want in?

Still a couple of times
left in the lottery.

No!

I think it's terrible you
betting on what time

that poor obnoxious
family's going to get chopped

into little bitty pieces.

And for what, $ ?

It's up to .

I'm in.

Show us.
What you got?

Shh!

It's the youngun's.

That poor little
white-haired girl.

You'd think she'd
throw some dye on it.

Can I help you?

Yeah, is there
any actual food here,

or do I just stand by a bug
light with my mouth open?

Hey, even bumpkins
have feelings, Kell.

What do you want?

A bus ticket
and a real family,

but for now, I'll settle
for a couple burgers.

Two burgers, Beanie!

How about you?

Is he the cook?

Yep.

I'll have a coke.

Unopened.

Well, Bud.

Here we are.

Another great Bundy vacation.

You know, other kids, they get
to go to Europe or Hawaii.

No.

We get to go to Hee-haw.

There's not another
human being for mi-- Hello.

See you in a week.

Where are you going?

To get buns for my burger.

Hey Kell, Mom and Dad said not
to wander off without them.

Mom will understand.

Thanks, Kell.
That's real nice.

Leave me
with the tree people.

Your drink's ready.

I'm going to go ax
the burgers now.

Fine.

There won't be any screaming,
will there?

To Dixie!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

I wasn't scared.

It was a...reflex
action from the w*r.

Sit down.

So, uh, you don't smell like
everybody else around here.

Well, thank you.

They say you're
from Chicago.

Yep. Chicago.
Chi-town.

The Windy City.

My kind of town.

It must be exciting.

Well, it is for me.
I'm a cop.

Bundy.

Bud Bundy.

Chicago Vice.

Really?

I'm also a millionaire.

See, I made my money--
There he is.

Oh, Bud, did you take
your milk of magnesia?

He didn't.

Bud.

How do you expect to get rid
of that constipation

if you won't
take your laxatives.

Hey, Bud, you made
a little friend, huh?

Yeah, and you can help.

You got any pictures
of me on the potty

you'd like to show her?

Well, excuse us,
Mr. Sensitive.

Have you seen
your sister?

No, thank you.
I don't drink.

Mom, Dad, I didn't know
you guys were here.

[BURP]

What's going on?

Well, we were
gonna go for a walk,

but we heard
on the radio it might rain.

Hey, goob,
that radio upstairs stinks.

Now I'm paying $ American,
all right?.

Get one of these guys
out of the pigpen

and let's get
that thing working, huh?

Hey, who wants
some down-home cooking?

Hey, Elmo, vittles
for the family.

Uh, Al, honey, maybe you
should be a little nicer

to these people.

I don't think
they like us.

Hey, Peg, I get
yelled at all year long.

Now this is my money
and my vacation.

My turn to be
the customer.

But Al, it's obnoxious.

So what?

What can they do,
k*ll us?

ALL SINGING:
* I got a shotgun, a r*fle
And a four-wheel drive *

* A country boy can survive **

You know I have to admit,
Al, you were right.

Treat people like scum, and they
just can't do enough for you.

I mean, everybody
was so friendly to us.

It was as if tonight
were our last night on Earth.

[THUNDER BOOMS]

You're starting to like
it here, aren't you?

ALL:
Yeah.

Dad, can we go down to the
high school tomorrow night

and meet the man who met
Andy Griffith?

Since when do you
like Andy Griffith?

Since Gloria
wants to go.

Bud's in love.

I am not.
He's blushing, mom.

She's pregnant, Dad.

Am not!

Well, then I guess
it's just your beer belly.

Now, kids, we can
do this at home.

Go to bed, and then we'll
decide what to do tomorrow.

[THUNDER BOOMS]

Oh, Al, our kids are really
growing up fast.

Soon they won't need us
for anything.

How soon, Peg?

Not soon enough.

You know, honey, it really
is kind of romantic here.

With the rain beating
against the window,

the wind whistling
through the trees.

Uh-oh.

Comfortable, Al?

Does it matter, Peg?

Not really.

Aw, Peg, this was supposed
to be my vacation.

Get to work, Al.

All right.
Get my Dramamine.

Aah!
Aah!

[***]