02x04 - Buck Can Do It

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like *

* A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute *

* You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

Peg! Kids!

Time to t*rture me.
I'm home.

Let's hear the pitter-patter
of little feet,

the thrusting
of greedy little hands.

What's this?

"Dear Al, the kids are spending
the night someplace

"and I'm going out
for a few hours.

"Peggy.

P.S. Dinner's on the table."

Yeah, nothing says loving like
something from the oven.

I'm a B-B-B-Bud man
and a C-C-C-Cub fan.

Ah!

Got the whole
house to myself.

It's like I died
and went to--

Hi, Al.

Hell.

How was your day, honey?

Up till now, great.

Today will go down
in history

as the day
that nothing went wrong.

First, I caught all the green
lights to and from work.

Then, I heard three good songs
in a row on the oldies station.

Best of all, some fat woman came
in the store and yelled at me,

then she went out
and fell right on her ass.

And tonight, the Cubs,
and you, you're going out.

No, I'm not.

We were going to have
a Tupperware party

over at Mrs. Zimmerman's house,

but the store was out of x-rated
tapes, so I came home.

You know, Al,
since the kids are both gone,

I was thinking maybe
we could fool around.

Peg, if we do that now, your
birthday just won't be special.

Come on, honey.

Ah, I got to say no,
but here's an idea.

Get me some chips.

Got to say no,
but how about this?

Sex for potato chips.

I got to say no.

I'll give you bucks.

Well, what the hell.

This'll last longer
than sex, anyhow.

Where's the chips?

Probably at the store.

Ah, what the heck.

Still a good day.

I got my game,
got my beer.

Got my gal.

Well, at least
the kids are gone.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mom.

I thought you were
staying out someplace?

Well, I was, but Robby's
mom came home in a bad mood.

She said something about
"no movies, no Tupperware."

Skooch over.

How was work?
Ah, who cares?

How's school?
Who cares?

Good boy.

Now, shut up, Bud,
the game's gonna come on.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

I thought you were
spending the night out?

I did.

Skooch over.

Oh, guess what.

You know Billy's dad,

you know, the one who goes
through his own garbage?

He just won a Porsche

for being the th
caller on the radio.

Isn't that great?

That is the third Porsche
on the block.

I can't believe
our neighborhood.

Porsche, Porsche,
Dodge, Porsche.

Yeah, we also have wage earners,
wage earners,

leeches, and wage earners.

Kids, I think it's time
to thank your father

for bringing home
minimum wage.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

Yup, I had a life once.

Any more good news?

Yeah, we learned in school today
that by the time you retire,

social security
won't be there anymore.

You're not gonna come live
with us, are you, Dad?

Did I tell you kids
that I love you today?

No, Dad.

Well, think about that
on your way upstairs.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Gee, I wonder who
that could be?

That's Steve and Marcie.
Don't answer it, Peg.

Oh, look, it's Steve
and Marcie.

Hi.

Hey, Al, ask me
what happened today.

Peg, ask me how I'm doing.

How are you doing?

You're looking at
the new manager

of the leading
bank of Chicago.

Steve got promoted.

Well, congratulations.

Did you hear that, Al?
Steve got promoted.

Gee, that's great.

What grade's he in?

Oh, Al.

You know when Marcie got
that spot at Kyoto National?

Her job at our
bank opened up.

Steve's going to be making
a lot more money now.

Guess what I got
under my arm.

Nair burn?

A lot more money, Al.

Anyhow,
I brought some brochures.

We're gonna get a new car,

you know, one that makes
a statement that says

"Why is he living
in this neighborhood?"

I'm so proud
of my man.

Come and tell me
what it's like, Marce.

Anyhow, Al,
you know about cars.

I've narrowed it down
to the Volvo, the baby Benz,

and the BMW three series.

Which would you get
if you had any money at all?

Well, the BMW
is a driver's car,

but if you should happen
to drive into a wall,

the Benz has air bags,
so, uh...

I'd go with the BMW.

What's the matter, Al,
bad day?

Nope, because I'm gonna
watch the Cubs.

Yep, I'm watching them pull
the tarp over the field.

TVANNOUNCER: ...and the game
is called due to rain.

Stay tuned
for something boring.

Well, it's kind
of hard to describe.

You know, it's the kind of
feeling of being happy

to be married to him,
admiring him,

looking forward
to him coming home.

Marce, look at Al.

Would you look forward
to him coming home?

I'm sorry, Peggy.

Anyhow, Al, I can't
decide about the colors.

You see, I'm leaning
towards black.

That'll attract the women--
Make them what they can't have.

Let's go, Marce.

Ooh, Al-- by the way, Marcie
has to go away this weekend.

Her mother's thinking
of remarrying,

and she's driving up to run
a quick credit check.

Can you give me a lift home
from work tomorrow?

Why don't you ask a friend?

I don't want
to put any of them out.

Let's go, Marce.

Let's go buy something.

Ooh...

I just love it when
you talk spending to me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't believe it.

Everybody in the world
is making money.

Aw, honey, that's not true.

You're not.

You're my rock, Peg.

And you are
my albatross, Al.

Look, honey,
you're still a young man.

And there's plenty
of chances to make it big.

That's sweet of you, Peg.

A fella couldn't ask
for a better wife.

[SNORING]

It's okay, Wyatt.

I'll get it.

Hi, Al.
Be right with you.

Gee, I've never been in
a bank that was closed before.

Yep. This is where
it all happens.

You know this is my favorite
time and my favorite place.

Yeah, some people
like Hawaii at sunset.

Me?

Give me a bank
after hours.

It's the cathedral
of capitalism.

Can you hear it, Al?

It's the sound
of interest accruing.

I'll be with you
in a second,

just a few last minute
managerial duties.

Tomorrow's a really busy day,

so I have to put out these
"next window, please" signs,

because we're only gonna
have two tellers working.

And I got one more
car loan to approve.

Come on,
hurry up, Steve!

It won't take long.

It's mine.

Yes!

Ok, Al...

I'm ready.

Al?

I'm in the vault!

Oh. The vault!

Al, are you crazy?

This is a federal offense.

I was just looking.

Okay, I'm ready to go.

Al, you can't
touch this.

This is money.

Only the bank president
and his squeeze

are allowed to play
with the money.

Steve...

smell this.

Tell me we don't have
the same rights

as a bank president
and his squeeze.

I'll see your ,
and I'll raise you...

this gold bar.

I...call.

Read them and weep.

Jack high.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Deuces, Al.

Two of them.

Hey, Steve-- Indianpoker
for this guy's mortgage.

I don't feel like it, Al.

Is it unnatural for me
to be horny?

Not at all, Steve.
Money is love.

This is a car.

This is a house.

And all this is a blonde.

Look at these bonds, Al.

This little piece
of paper is worth $ , .

[WHISTLES]

Steve, I'm gonna just
throw something at you.

What say I pull
the car around back...

we load it up...

And head for Canada?

Where the dollar
means something.

Call the girls
in about years.

I can't.

Why?

I don't exactly know.

Come on, Steve!

They sell Mercedes
in Canada-- big ones!

And they come with hookers
dressed like college girls.

Come on, Steve.
Get some bags.

I'll toss out
Peg's dry cleaning

and we'll make rooms
in the trunk.

It's not like we're never gonna
see the girls again, right?

Right!
Okay, I'll get the car!

If Wyatt wakes up,
k*ll him.

Wait a second.

Al, this is insane.

It's wrong.

It's illegal.

Ooh, that's it.
It's illegal.

Aw, come on, buddy.

We've had our fun.
Let's go home.

All right.

You're right.
You're right.

It's all coming back to me now.
Ungrateful redhead, rotten kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm back now,
but what a beautiful memory.

I wish I had
a picture of it.

So I could show my grandchildren
I had all this money,

but their grandmother
spent it all.

I know.

But...

we got our memories.

Let's go, buddy.

Well, I think we should
be proud of your daddy.

He just cost us the only chance
we'll ever have for happiness.

I'll tell you this much--

the man I marry would
have taken that money.

Hey, leave Dad alone.

Don't you think he knows
he made the biggest mistake

of all our lives?

As I said to Steve,
it's illegal and wrong,

and I'll have no part of it.

Al, tell me something,
honey.

When you were in there
with all that money,

what did you
think about?

Well, Peg, I thought
if I did take it,

you and me and the kids
would drive up to Canada

and live the life
we deserve.

Aw, honey.

I know.
I know.

All right, Al, there's
a million dollars missing.

Where is it?

Oh, Al!

All right, Dad!

I can have
everything I want.

I love my daddy!

We all do, dear.

Al, you are scum.

But he can buy
and sell you, buddy.

Steve, listen, you know
I didn't take it.

Now how could I carry
a million dollars?

Those security bonds.

Ten stinking pieces of paper.

You could have put them anywhere
while I was out of the vault.

Security bonds.
Brilliant, Dad.

Those are good in Canada,
aren't they, Al?

A cashmere sweater,
a CD player,

David Lee Roth
chained to my bed.

Listen, Al, Monday when
they check the duty roster,

one word is gonna come
from above: Rhoades.

I'll have one word
for them: Bundy.

Listen, Steve,
I didn't take it!

Al!

We're talking -
with chain saw K*llers.

And don't think I'm serving
time alone, bunkie.

If I'm going to be playing
in the showers with maniacs,

you're gonna be
passing the soap.

I did not take it!

Hello, Debbie?

Remember saying you
wouldn't go out with me

for all the money
in the world?

Let's test that theory,
shall we?

I'll tell you what
I'm going to do.

I'm going to go home,
drink moderately, and pass out.

And when I come to, you're
gonna give the money back,

because I believe, deep down,
that you are an honest man.

So...here I go...

walking through
the door...

to leave you alone
with your conscience.

Peggy, I'm depending on you
to make him do the right thing.

Steve, if Al said he didn't
take it, he didn't take it.

God, I love you!

Oh...sure, my husband
shows me no affection

and has a go-nowhere job,
but daddy is really taking care

of his family now, kids!

Yeah!
All right, dad!

Peg, listen to me
for once in your life.

I don't have the money.

Now don't think you're
holding out on me, Al.

Uh-uh.

I've made your breakfasts.

I've had your children.

I've even gone
to the bathroom after you.

I've paid my dues, Al.

I've earned that money just
as if I'd taken it myself.

Half of it's mine.

Unless you go to prison,
and then it's all mine.

So where is it, snookie?

Don't know.

Okay, Al.

I believe you.

I know what you're thinking.

"How can I serve my daddy?"

You can fix me breakfast.

What's in it for us?

Right. Why should
I make breakfast

for a man who won't
even cut us in?

Well, okay Peg,
but I'll tell you this,

if a guy did have
a million dollars

he sure wouldn't
share it with someone

who wouldn't fix
his breakfast.

It's not golden brown
enough.

I knew it!
I knew it!

I'm sorry.

The harm's done, Bud.

Daddy's upset.

Don't badger
your father, kids.

Juice, Al?

Why not?
I squeezed it myself.

Tell us again
about Rio, honey.

Okay.

We'll all be there,
laying in the sun.

Pulp.

The palm trees
will be swaying in the breeze,

and the cabana boys...

Ohh...

They live to serve you.

Kelly, move it
with Daddy's juice.

And the surfer boys in their
tiny little bathing suits

will be riding the waves.

Tell me again
about their bodies, Al.

They're tight, Peg.

Young, tight, and tan,
still glistening from the surf.

Would you like another rubdown
with your breakfast, Al?

Peg, I'm raw, I'm full,
and I can't go on.

Leave me alone.

I don't have
the money!

Yeah, right, and I'm don't
have a date with Debbie.

-year-old Debbie?

Money talks, Kel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that, dear.

* Rio de Janeiro
Where the boys swing *

* Their derriere-oh *

Well, it's Monday.

Right about now
they should discover

there's a million
dollars missing.

They think back--

"Let's see, who was the last
person in the bank on Saturday?

"Who had the opportunity?

"Why, it was Rhoades.

"No wonder he called
in sick today.

"Well, let's turn down
his car loan

and give him years
to life."

Of course,
I'll turn you in.

And soon as we're
both behind bars,

I'm going to k*ll you.

If I can't do it myself,

I'll make sure my boyfriend's
bigger than yours.

Don't let him scare you, Al.

You could do years
standing on your head.

Yeah, Dad, and we'll
be waiting right here for you

when you get out.

Look, Al, I can see
why you wouldn't mind prison,

but I like my home life.

Nice welcome home present
for Marcie.

What's she going to say

when I don't show up for dinner
for the next years to life?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There's the long arm
of the law!

Nope, it's the frog legs
of your wife.

Hi, Steve.

I missed you so much.

She's wearing red.

That's how
they got Dillinger.

Are you feeling okay, Steve?

I went by your bank,
when I got back to town

and they said
you were sick.

Uh...they happen to mention
anything else about me?

Well, no, Steve,
but you're going to love this.

Your bank lost
a million dollars!

Oh, I get another job,
and things just fall apart.

I mean, how do you lose
a million dollars?

They were in a panic.

The computer made a transfer
of funds to Munich,

but the telex confirmation-- had
the -hour international delay.

Of course!

Well, I'm sure
you would have caught it

if you hadn't
been out sick.

I'm better now.

Isn't that something?

I'll bet some idiots down at the
bank thought somebody took it.

We are banking
professionals, Al.

Come on, Steve.
Let's go home.

Just a minute, Marcie.

Uh...Al?

Yes, Steve?

Keep your kids away
from my Mercedes.

The funniest thing is,
with that telex delay,

somebody could have really
taken that million dollars

and been well into Canada
by the time they caught it.

We don't have
a million dollars, Al?

Peg, I've been trying to tell
you that for two days.

You know I never
listen to you.

Well, we're broke
again, kids.

Thank your father.

Thanks, Dad.
Thanks, Dad.

Ah, what the hell?

We're rich in other ways.

We've still got each other.

Well, I'm going to work.

And I'll tell you what I'll do:

I'll stop off after work
and get us some sugar pops.

See?

We're not too broke to eat.

Well, life isn't so bad,
is it, kids?

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
And on a local note,

tragedy was narrowly
averted moments ago

when a sobbing woman and her
two hysterical children

weretalked down from a ledge
on the Sears Tower.

It's believed to be the first
family su1c1de attempt

inChicago history.

The woman was quoted
as sobbing,

"Shoes.He sells shoes."

I'm home!

[***]