02x07 - For Whom the Bell Tolls

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one *

* Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try *

* And you will only come
To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

NARRATOR: Last week
on Married With Children...

I saw one of those
in college once.

I used to jog
behind her for hours.

I ran a marathon once
and didn't even know it.

The girls
caught the guys ogling,

and figured
what's good for the gander

is good for the goose.

Peggy! This is
a strip joint!

Oh, really?

Gee, I didn't know.

You know, I've passed
by dozens of times,

but I've never
actually been in.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Bundy.

At first, Marcie didn't
think she'd like it, but...

It's always
the quiet ones.

Peggy, I've lost
my wedding ring

down Zorro's pants!

And now
Married With Children
continues...

All right, ladies,
let's hear it!

That was Zorro!

He's got my ring.
What are going to do?

Uh... treasure hunt!

Hold it right there, ladies.

Listen, we've got
to get backstage.

We've got to get something
out of Zorro's pants.

That old story again,
Mrs. Bundy.

But this is
an emergency.

Yeah, right.

Look, lady,
we used to let women backstage

until the big riot.

Now nobody's
allowed back there.

We call it
"The Bundy rule."

It's my wedding ring.

I want it back,
or I'll see you in court.

I don't think so.

You see,
"Troy's is not responsible

for valuables lost
in any part of a dancer."

Once again,
"The Bundy rule."

What are we
going to do?

I know! I'll write
Zorro a note.

That's it!
He'll read it,

He'll find my ring,
bring it over tomorrow,

Steve will answer
the door, k*ll me...

No, that won't work.

I'll write a note,
but I'll give him

your phone number
and address--

that is,
if you don't mind.

Sure, I don't mind,

as long as he comes over

before what's-his-name
gets home from work.

Ooh!

Oh, thanks, Peggy.

You really are
the very best friend I've got.

WOMEN: Share! Share!
Share! Share!

Al...

Wake up, honey.
It's... that time.

Al...

Aah!

Oh, good. You're up.

Are you in
the mood, honey?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.
But first...

PEGGY: Yee-haw!

* I've got spurs *

* That jingle jangle jingle **

Mom, was there a little
earthquake here last night?

because the walls were shaking
and I heard Dad screaming.

Well, he scares easily.

I slept through it.

Must have been
a short one.

Several short ones.

Are you ready
for Grandma's, kids?

You got
your room deodorizers?

Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.

Toilet seat covers?

Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.

Flea and tick spray?

Yes, Mom.
Yes, Mom.

Well, then you're ready.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh, there's your taxi.

Please, Mom.
Don't do this!

Bud, honey,
be strong.

I'll see you in a couple
of days.

We love you, Mom.

But not today.

Oh, and kids, remember!

When you say hello,

Grandpa is the one
with the hair.

Any sign of Zorro?

No, but I think I slept with
Speedy Gonzalez last night.

Steve is going to go crazy.

My wedding ring's
gone forever.

Oh, Marcie, calm down.

Men don't notice
things like that.

Not Steven.

He notices everything.

Do you know what we do
in bed sometimes?

Yeah, Bud tells us.

Oh.

Well, anyway,

Steve and I lie in bed,

put our ring fingers
together.

We stare at
our wedding bands,

then kiss.

So Bud made that up

about Little Bo Peep
and the cop?

Yes, he did.

Oh, what's the difference?

Steve will never
pull me over again!

How can I tell him
I lost my wedding ring?

It's an irreplaceable symbol
of our love everlasting.

Buy a cheap copy.

Yeah!

* I am woman
Wife and mother *

* I earn money
Like no other *

* I give him back rubs
Do his laundry *

* And have dinner on the table
When he's hungry **

Impossible Dream Pantyhose...

for the self-deluded.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

How you doing?

I'm sorry, Kelly's
at her grandmother's.

Actually, I'm looking
for Marcie Rhoades.

She live here?

Practically.

Who wants to know?

I'm Raul.

You know, Zorro.

Yeah, I'm Al.
You know, suspicious.

Al? Al Bundy?

You're married
to Big Red,

the rich woman
with the sharp nails?

Who are you?

I'm an exotic dancer
at Troy's.

Gee, that's great.

Listen, I'd invite you in,
but instead,

I'll just kick
the crap out of you.

Oh, then perhaps
I'll just deliver

my message and run.

Your wife's friend,
Mrs. Rhoades,

the one we call
"The Tentacle,"

she lost her wedding
ring down my pants

during the show last night,

and I'm just
dropping it off to her.

Come in.

Raul, is it?

Well, actually,
it's Wilbur.

But I think I'm
too good-looking

to be a Wilbur.

Yeah, you betcha.

Listen, exactly
what was Marcie doing

when she lost
her ring down your, uh...

underpants, was it?

Yeah. She was tipping me.

Could you see to it
that she gets this ring?

As much as you believe
you're too good-looking

to be a Wilbur,
believe she'll get it.

Thanks, Mr. Bundy.

Thank you, Raul.

Oh, by the way, if my wife
should happen to lose

anything down your pants,

so will you.

Hasta luego,
Mr. Bundy.

Right back at you.

"To our everlasting love.
Steven."

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Gee, I hope that's Steve.

Hi, Steve.

Hi, Al. Who's the guy
in the black Porsche?

Santa Claus.

Come on in.

So Steve,
how's Marcie doing?

Is she still mad
at you, buddy?

Oh, I don't know.

She said she forgave me,

but I could tell
she was still tense.

She just sat there
with her hands in her pockets,

staring at the floor.

I feel like dirt, Al.

We'll get back to that later.

But first, let me tell you
something about women.

Uh-oh.

See, women love us

to look at them
like slabs of beef.

You think they wear
those tight-fitting clothes

just so some other
broad can say,

"Gee, your hips
look succulent"?

I mean, some do,

but they become
gym teachers,

and I'm talking
about women.

I mean, let's
face it, Steve,

until they get married,
they care how they look.

But what else do they have?

Brains? Wit? Ech.
Forget it.

The good-looking ones
know we're looking.

They love us
to be looking,

and God bless them,

they're carrying
the rest of their sex.

Al, I'm an educated man.

Don't you think
I know all that?

It's just that
I feel so guilty.

Every time I look
at Marcie's face,

all I can see
is that girl's hiney.

It's wrong, Al.

I feel unworthy
of someone like Marcie.

Yeah. She is
a special person.

By the way,
here's her wedding ring

that she lost down
some guy's jock

at a strip club
last night.

Anyway, how do you like
those Bears this year?

Oh, wait a second, Al.

What's this about

Marcie losing
her wedding ring?

Oh, yeah, yeah, here.

Yeah, I got it
from the guy

whose underpants
they were wedged in,

but I wouldn't worry
about it, Steve.

He's just some stripper
named Zorro,

and I'm sure
it was nothing--

you know, no affair
that was important

or anything like that.

In fact,
knowing Marcie as I do,

she probably lost it
with dignity

because as we all know,

we're dirt
and she's evolved.

I can't believe it.
My wife's wedding ring.

Steve, if I thought
you were going to be upset,

I never would've told you.

What I'm giving you
there is a present.

See, that's more
than a wedding ring.

What you have there
is what I like to call

a get-out-of-jail
free card.

See, you can hold it,

save it,
use it for anything.

She's got all this,

and she goes
to a strip joint?

Hey, you could've knocked me
over with a feather.

But getting back
to something more important--

how do we make her pay?

I got it.

The next time she holds
one of those

women's group meetings
over at her house,

you stroll in, you say,

"Hey, eight women in the house
and I got dirty dishes?"

Let them get mad,
pat the ring in your pocket,

make the mark
of the "Z."

Al, I am going
to have a Stepford wife.

Attaboy!

Do me one favor.

When you strip away
every ounce of humanity,

every shred of pride
she has,

just when she's bending down
to kiss your feet,

tell her
you got the ring...

from Al Bundy.

Hey, I've done a good thing.

I deserve a reward.

And now, ladies,
the shoe salesman!

[GARGLING]

Hi, honey.
I was just going to tuck you in.

Well, go ahead.

I don't feel
like it anymore.

Sit down,
sweetie puss.

Honey...

What's Troy's?

Uh, well, uh...

You know, it's this place
where I go with the girls,

and we sit and swap recipes
and talk about the kids.

And put dollar bills
down guys' underpants.

Well, that too.
I'm going to turn in.

It's a funny thing, Peg,
but the other day,

I went to pay
the repairman,

and when I looked
for my money--

darned if every cent
wasn't gone.

Oh, those kids!

All right, Peg.

Just how much of my money
has found its way

into the crotches
of dancing, oily men?

How would I know, Al?

I don't count it,
I just shove it in.

Well, that's that, then.

Oh, uh, Big Red...

you know,
I've been thinking.

Remember
about a month ago,

one night you came back
from swapping recipes...

strangely,
how could I say,

horny as a toad.

That day I gave you
some money

to have the brakes
on my car fixed.

Do I have any brakes
on my car, Peg?

No, Al.

And remember you told me

that the kids needed money
for a school project?

We don't really sponsor
a Korean family, do we, Peg?

No, Al.

And Kelly's
contact lenses?

Uh...

So the big frost
didn't really drive up

the price of Tang?

But we still do have
the Bundy funeral plot?

Um...

Well, how about
the kids, Peg?

Did they really go
to your mother's house,

or do they belong
to Arabs now?

That really hurts, Al.

I can't believe
you don't trust me.

Okay, Peg.

From now on, I want your
shopping receipts notarized.

From now on, I check eyes,
teeth, vet bills, school books.

Oh, and you know
our joint checking account?

I want to know
what bank it's in.

Well, in my defense, Al,

these are superb men.

Don't push it, Peg.

Now, I'm going to bed.

I don't want you ever
going to Troy'sagain.

From now on, you
and Troy'sare history.

Good night, Al.

Al--

No!

* Da da da
Da da dum *

* Da da ta ta *

* Dum dum dum *

* Dum dum dum *

* Dum **

Al, your breakfast
is almost ready.

Hey, is everybody happy?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, God, yes!

What a dad!

I don't want you thinking
about Troy's,either.

Yes, dear.

No, Marcie,

I don't think the floor
is clean enough.

Wash it again...
with your hair.

MARCIE:
Steve, I'm home.

Hi.

Hi. Where have
you been?

Out shopping with Peg.

Gee, that's
the second night in a row

you've been out
with Peggy.

Oh, well, I guess
you're a good example for her.

Hmm? Oh, well,
I try to be.

You know, Steve, I think

I've been too hard on you
these past two days.

Oh?

Yes. I mean,
there's nothing wrong

with looking at
another human being

and appreciating
their form.

Oh?

Yes. I mean, I was wrong
to yell at you

for looking
at that girl.

So you forgive me?

That's big of you.

Oh, Steven...

you're the most
wonderful husband

in the world.

I'm the one

who should
apologize to you.

There's nothing wrong

with a little
physical attraction.

After all, that's

what first attracted
me to you.

Well, I guess I am
sort of

the whole
ball of wax.

I remember the first
time I saw you,

running that marathon.

Your arms were tense,

your chest was heaving.

there were tears
in your eyes,

but still
you tried to catch

that woman in the lead.

I love you, Steve.

Do you forgive me?

Of course I do.

Oh! Um...
this came for you.

Somebody dropped
it off at Al's.

What is it?

I don't know.

It was for you.

MARCIE:
All right!

[TOILET FLUSHES]

So what was it?

Oh... coupons.

From Peg.

So I tore them up in little bits

and flushed them
down the toilet.

I love you, Steve.

I love you, Marcie.

So you lost your ring
down Zorro's pants, huh?