02x10 - The Razor's Edge

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
A horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one
Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage-- *

[g*nsh*t]

I'm so excited!

Steve's been gone
for five days.

That's the longest
we've been apart

since we were married.

Well, you know how it is, Peg.

What would you do
if Al was gone for five days?

Cash in his insurance policy,

give the kids to my mother,
and travel.

[CAR APPROACHES]

There's Steve now.
Get ready.

Al, did you
have to come home?

Well, the summer place
is all closed up,

the yacht's in dry-dock,

so I thought, "What the hell?

Let's spend the night
at the ghetto home."

What's going on?

We're having a welcome back
party for Steve.

So the bucket of death
wasn't really meant for me.

Why aren't we having
the party at her house?

Was it because
all Steve's friends

couldn't fit in there?

No, you see,

when Steve comes back
from these trips,

he comes back...ready.

If we have the party
at our house,

there's be such a mess,

and Steve has trouble
getting aroused

if the house isn't clean.

Hmm. Maybe if
I cleaned up,

Al would get aroused.

It's not worth
the gamble.

Steve loves
his river-rafting trips.

I went with him once.

You can't imagine what it's like

to ride something
so wild and uncontrolled.

Yes, I can.

[CAR APPROACHES]

That's him!

Hurry!
Everybody hide!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Get the door, Al.

I can't. I'm hiding.

Surprise!

Hey, this is great!

Steve, I missed y--

What's that
on your face?

It's a beard.
Like it?

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Oh, ho ho. The stories
I have to tell.

The very first morning--

Ha ha. Well, all's well
that ends well.

Let's get some cake, huh?

Aw, I don't know,
Marce, uh...

kind of tired,
you know?

Really tired.

Bone...weary?

Oh.

You know, Steve,
I'm kind of pooped too.

Why don't you go home
and shave.

I'll put together
some little sandwiches,

in case you want
to snack between...naps.

Actually, I was thinking
of keeping the beard.

Oh, you can, Steve.
After you shave,

You can keep it
in a little box.

No, I'm serious.
I like it.

Oh, look, Al.
They're going to fight.

Yeah. Good.

Hide the cold cuts where
the kids won't find them.

Now, come on, Steve.
Go on home and shave.

No.

No? No? I must have
misheard you, Steve.

I thought you said "no."

I also thought
all of our decisions

were going to be
joint decisions.

A beard is a decision.

Fine. Next time you want
to grow a beard, do it.

Don't think I won't.

The beard stays.

It's gone.
I'll see to that.

You have to sleep
sometime.

Try it, Marcie.
I sleep like the owl.

A beard, huh?

It won't work, Al.

I don't look
at your face anyway.

Everybody like their cake?

Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

You know, Mom,
I swear I smell cold cuts.

Do we have some?

We don't have any.
No. I wish.

Hear Steve
and Marcie

fight last night,
kids?

I'll tell you
this--

when I get married,

my wife's not going to
tell me when to shave.

No, she'll just
be going "baaaa."

Sure. Everybody makes fun of me

because I'm the only virgin
in the house.

Oops.

He's lying, Dad.

Naaah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Damn.

Come on, now, kids.

Is that the way we talk
at the breakfast table?

Nope, sorry, Tex.
No chores for you today.

Maybe we'll have you

chop a little wood for us
tomorrow.

Ha ha.

I'm not really in the mood
for this, Al.

I just came over
to say I'm sorry

if the noise kept you
awake last night.

Oh, don't worry.

We didn't hear a word,

especially
when Marcie said,

"I don't care
how sad Mr. Mike is.

There's no room
at the inn."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

If it's that woman,
I'm not here.

He's over there.

Steven Rhoades,
don't you dare think

you can walk out
of this argument.

What argument?

Do you see
an argument?

No! All I see
is an innkeeper

who doesn't
honor reservations.

Shave the beard!

Okay, I'll just have to go
where my beard's appreciated,

somewhere where
looks aren't important...

Oh, no.

With my friends,
the Bundys.

And I will remain here

until you accept this beard
and all it stands for.

Fine. You can stay here
as long as you want.

How long will
that be, Steve?

Till hell freezes over,
if need be.

She's got to learn
that a man's face...

is a man's face.

You think I'm right,
don't you, Peggy?

I don't look at Al's face.

All right, Steve.

If you want to play out
this macho charade,

go ahead.

You can come home
when your face is back

to the baby's behind
I fell in love with.

Where do I sleep?

[WHISTLES]

Hi, hon.

Ahh, what a day.

Get me a beer, will you?

You know, every broad
that came in the store today

was complaining their husbands

don't pay enough attention
to them.

You smell
good today, Peg.

Not tonight, dear.
I have a headache.

Steve, what the hell
are you doing here?

I live here.

But I want you to know, Al,

I am not going
to be a bother to you,

so if I do anything
that gets on your nerves,

don't hesitate
to tell me.

Don't put your feet
on the coffee table.

I just cleaned that.

And don't scrunch up
the pillows.

I have to sleep there.

Oh, and if you're
going to watch TV,

remember, I go to bed
at : sharp.

: ? That's when
Peggy goes to sleep.

That means I have
to go up with her.

Well, I hate
to punish Peggy,

but I need my sleep.

Well, how about this, Steve?

Shave that bird's nest
and get the hell out!

What...
what's that smell?

It's food, Al.

Well, how'd you get the stove
to work?

Peg said it's been
broken for months.

Nah, I checked it out.

Somebody just
cut the cord.

Hey! Mr. Rhoades
is making food!

Yeah, and look!

He's using
the bottom thing!

It's called an oven.

Wow...

You know, kids, we've
eaten before, but...

we've never
really eaten.

Kids, thank your mother
for that terrific meal.

Thank you, Mr. Rhoades.

I set out the napkins.

Mr. Rhoades, do you know
anything about algebra?

Well...

I have been known
to juggle a few numbers

down at the bank.

I thought I was going to
help you with your homework.

Why not pass if you can?

What a show-off.

All four burners
going at once.

Well, I saw, Al.

He only used three...

and that bottom thing.

Just wait till our
electric bill comes in.

It's gas, Peg.

Oh...who cares?

The point is I think
we have made a big mistake

by letting Steve stay here.

KIDS: Ha ha ha!

And I don't think
it's good

for the children,
either.

I'm going upstairs

and putting a stop to
this nonsense right now.

You'll get rid of him
in the morning, won't you, Al?

Sure.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi. Is Steve here?

I thought maybe we could...
Talk?

No!

Good morning, Steve!

Hey, Peg.

Steve, you look great.

I especially
like that beard.

Hey, let's go out tonight,
buddy.

Bowling, a movie?

Hey, let's go shopping.
I'll buy you something.

Thanks, Al, but I won't
be home tonight.

What's the matter, buddy?
You upset about something?

Is it Peggy?
Did she say something?

Because let me know.

If she did, she'll be
out of here by night!

Nope, Al,
it's not Peggy.

I've got to go to a
banker's banquet tonight.

Marcie and I both
have to be there.

But you're not going to...
talk to her, are you?

No, no, but we agreed
to go together

for appearances' sake.

This banquet's important
to both our careers.

It would be really
uncomfortable

for me to be there
with her.

I mean, I haven't
seen her for five days.

I haven't touched her,
smelled her,

I haven't buried my face
in her--

Steve!

Remember
what's important here.

You have a beard and
a family to take care of.

Al, I'm horny!

I'm thinking
of shaving.

Yes!

No!

Al, calm down.

Can we go someplace
private to talk?

Sure, buddy.

Peg, get out of here!

Fine.

I think I'll go upstairs

and look through
the photo album.

You know, I think I have
a picture of Marcie...

last summer,
washing the car...

You know, when she
got her t-shirt wet,

and you said something about...
taking her for a little spin,

but you didn't use the car?

You know. That picture?

I'm shaving, Al.

I've never seen
a t-shirt that wet.

Sit down, Steve.

I can't, Al.

Steve, I'm going to
tell you a little something

I learned about life.

Oh, good, at the feet
of the master again.

The way I see it,

Nature played
a cruel trick on us.

Well, it did move us
next door to each other.

All right, two tricks,

but I'm talking
about the one

that keeps us men
from ruling the Earth.

See, nature gave men the urge
and women the answer.

Sure, it's not much,
but it's all they need.

Gee, I wish nature
gave us everything,

like the worm...

or like that guy who works
down at the antique store,

but...nobody asked me,
and now it's too late.

God, that was
a wet t-shirt.

Steve, think dry here
for a minute, will you?

See, the problem is...

women know
we have these urges,

but they have
the same urges we do.

They just don't
show it because...

Well, that's how
spiteful they are.

But, Steve, they need us

just as much
as we need them.

Why? Because we
can do the job,

and you can't
take a battery home

to meet your mother.

There.
I've said my piece.

Now, what are you going
to do about it, buddy?

I'm going to shave
and rock the house.

The beard itches, Al.

I'm sick of it,
and I look stupid.

Well, I know you do,
Steve,

but at least you've
got your pride.

Oh, a guy like you

can get sex
anytime he wants to,

but it's pride that
keeps our pants up, Steve.

Just say "no."

You know something, Al?
You're right.

Evolution may
have passed you by,

but you're right.

I know I am.

I'm making a point
here.

I'm fighting
the good fight.

You're right, Steve.

Steve, when you get back
from this banker thing,

I'll still be up.

Do you suppose

you could make those
little brown potatoes?

I love those.

I waited till they left.
What's the big news?

Steve is horny.

I can tell.

Your house is clean.

Is he ready
to shave the beard?

Almost, but of course,

we have
the usual obstacle.

What's Al doing?

Making Steve hold out
until you give in.

Ha ha ha.

It will be
a cold day in--

Oh, God, I need him.

Calm down,
Marcie.

Ohh, this is one
of Steve's socks.

Yes, but Al's
been wearing it.

Oh, Peggy, what am I
going to do?

I don't know how much longer
I can hold out...

but I will not give up
my principles

for an hour and a half
of pleasure.

Look, you don't have
to give up any--

An hour and a half?

If you add up
all the sex

Al and I
have ever had,

it still doesn't come to
an hour and a half--

at least
not of pleasure.

Oh, well. Look, you can
keep your principles

and still have Steve.

Marcie, I only
want your happiness,

preferably
at your own house,

because, you see,

now I have healthy kids,
a happy husband,

and it has just
got to stop.

So why don't you
do this?

Tonight, when you pick up
Steve for this banker thing,

why don't you wear
the sleaziest,

sexiest, sluttiest
outfit you can find?

I'll loan you
something.

I couldn't do that.

Our relationship
isn't based on that.

Oh, please.

Then what does it mean

When you're screaming, "Oh,
God! Oh, God! Oh, God!"

yet you never
go to church?

Marcie, let me
tell you

a little
something about men.

You see, nature played
a very cruel joke on them.

It gave them
a source of pleasure,

but in order
for it to work,

the blood has
to leave the brain,

and, you see, it
leaves them confused...

disoriented...

and eager to enter
into negotiations,

because the brain
wants that blood back.

You see, it needs it
to go to work

to pay for
all those things

it agreed to
only moments before.

You see,
Marcie,

we may not have
upper-body strength,

but we do have
sexual kryptonite.

Use it, Marcie. Have him
shave that beard.

Aw, hell. Have him
shave his head--

for me.

No. I will not
stoop as low

as to use sexual bartering
in our marriage.

I'll appeal
to his intellect.

We'll have
a rational discussion,

and he'll shave

because he'll see
I'm right.

Do you have
any batteries?

I hate this beard!

Just say "no."

I don't think I can, Al.

Marcie's going to be here soon.

I was looking up dresses
at work today, Al.

Perfectly natural.

It's natural in your business.
You're a shoe salesman.

A bank manager has to put
the security cameras

on the floor to do that.

I did that today, Al.

I'm going to cave.
I just know it.

I know you are, too, Steve.

That's why
I have a gift for you...

a very special gift.

I didn't want to do this

until it was
absolutely necessary,

but, uh, sit down.

Clear your mind...

think of Marcie...

and take a look at...

my mother-in-law!

Aah!

Everybody says that.

Yep. Look at her,

bending over
at the beach.

Summer of ' .

Notice
the perspiration

percolating in the folds
of her flesh.

You may wonder why her
upper arms are blurry.

There was a breeze...

and we caught them
in midflap.

Thanks, Al.
I'm okay now.

Steve, take it,

and if you should get
the urge at this banquet,

take at look at it.

It's also good
for dieting.

Marcie.

Steve.

Your hair. You changed it.

Yes. Like it?

Not really.

Are we ready?

All right, Steve.

But first,
I have something to say.

With regards to your beard,
though it is your face,

it has affected both of us.

It does not enhance
your business persona,

and it makes me
terribly unhappy,

so I appeal to your
intelligence,

sensitivity, and good judgment

by asking you to please
shave the beard.

No.

In that case...

[BUZZ]

Peg, you know those
little brown potatoes

that Steve makes?

Can you do that?

Al, you know
about making love

for an hour and a half
like Steve does?

Can you do that?

Burger King?

Yeah.

[***]