02x14 - Guys and Dolls

[bunniefuu]

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* Go together like
a horse and carriage *

* This I tell ya, brother *

* You can't have one
Without the other *

* Love and marriage *

* Love and marriage *

* It's an institute
You can't disparage *

* Ask the local gentry *

* And they will say
It's elementary *

* Try, try, try
To separate them *

* It's an illusion *

* Try, try, try
And you will only come *

* To this conclusion *

* Love and marriage **

What's the matter, Kel?

Are the contractions
five minutes apart?

What's the matter, Bud?

Puberty five years away?

Come on, Kel.
We're blood.

If you've got a problem,
maybe I can help.

Well, Mom and Dad are
at parent/teacher night,

and I'm scared.

You know, Mom and Dad
make me sick.

When are they going to
realize you're stupid

and leave you alone?

Yuk it up, malignancy.

No, I've got to
start doing better.

I've got this
book report due,

and I haven't even
read the book.

It's called
Robinson Crusoe.

Oh, I've read that.

I can help you...

For a small fee,
of course.

Okay.

Robinson Crusoe was
marooned on a desert island.

The only people there
were him, Friday,

The Professor,
Mary Ann, Ginger...

And the rest.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Slow down. Slow down.

The Professor...

Right.

Now, in the
first chapter,

they had to get
around the island.

So Gilligan--
I mean Robinson

and The Professor
built a car

that ran on coconuts.

Oh, cool.

You know,

Robinson always sang
this little song

around the island.

You may want to do it
in front of the class.

It shows
you read carefully.

* Just sit right back
And you'll hear a tale *

* A tale
Of a fateful trip *

* That started
From this tropic port *

* Aboard
This tiny ship *

* The mate-- *
Now, that's Robinson--

* Was a mighty
Sailing man *

* The skipper
Brave and sure *

* Five passengers
Set sail that day *

* For a three-hour tour *

* A three-hour tour **

Twice?

It's important.

[CAR APPROACHING]

That's Mom and Dad.

Come on,
we'll finish this later.

Tell them that
I'm upstairs

working really hard
on my report.

I'm finally going to get an A!

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.

Kelly said she's upstairs

listening to the radio
and dancing.

Ooh, you two
look pretty mad.

But in Kelly's defense,

wait till after she's turned in
her book report.

We owe her that much.

Kelly is not
the problem, Bud.

She has moved up
to a good, solid D.

Now, you're the one
who's in trouble.

We went to your school and saw
your social studies report,

you know, "Brazil, Land
of Rubber and Sunshine."

Would you care to explain

this picture of your sister
in a bikini?

Well, it illustrates
the easy sex in Brazil.

So how did I do?

Like your father,
in life, you failed.

Now, Bud,

I want you to go upstairs,
and do not come back down

until you figure out something
else to do with your time

besides torturing
your sister.

Why don't you just ask me
to stop breathing?

It's what I am.
It's what I do.

I tell you what, I'll help Kelly
with her homework.

Good boy.

[HUMMING
GILLIGAN'S ISLAND THEME]

You know, Al,

I think I know
what the problem is.

He just has
too much free time.

Now, what can we do
about that?

Well, we could
get him a wife.

I meant
like a hobby--

you know,
a father/son thing,

something he could
learn from you.

Let's see.
You can't teach balding.

He already knows how to go
to the bathroom,

and he's too young
to drink.

Gee, Peg, if you
wanted a hug,

why didn't you
just ask for one?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's us,
Steve and Marcie.

Hurry!
It's important.

Excuse me, sir.
Do you know these people?

No.

Al!

Please.

We picked them up
for soliciting

at Joe's
cocktail lounge.

I told you, officer,

we were
just role-playing

to spice up
our marriage.

We lost our ID when we
were running from you.

It's all a big mistake.
Tell him who we are, Al.

Yeah, it's the neighbors--
the hooker and the sailor.

I see.

Just a little
yuppie game play, huh?

Well, let me tell you
something about police.

We don't like it
when you jerk us around.

I could be out there
scaring kids

or driving
with the siren on.

So next time you want to put
some fun in your marriage,

do what me and my wife do--

cheat on each other.

Oh, Marcie,
that's a nice outfit.

Can I borrow it?

I have a wedding to go to.

May I use your phone?
I have to call a locksmith.

I lost our keys
when Steve knocked me over

running from
the squad car.

So, what's new
with you guys?

Well, we were just trying
to figure out a hobby for Bud,

you know, to keep him
out of trouble...

something
he could do with Al.

Well, you guys

could come over together
in the morning

and steal my paper.

No, my mornings
are for me.

How about flying or polo?

How about collecting
original Picassos?

Hell, I make minimum wage.

We can start with one
of his bad ones.

They'll be over
in an hour.

I'm sure
it will just fly by.

You know, a hobby

doesn't have
to be expensive.

As a kid, I collected
baseball cards.

You too?

Yeah, I had
some great ones,

but my mother
threw them all out.

Yep. Mine too.

Women.
Women.

Greatest hobby in the world,
and women just don't get it.

No, Al, what I just
don't get is sex.

That's going to be
Bud's new hobby.

Sex?

No, baseball cards.

Bud, come down here.

Why don't you find Bud
something more cultural

and intellectually
stimulating?

Marcie, they're men.

To them, something
intellectually stimulating

is comparing
today's Elmer Fudd

with the original,
fatter Fudd.

Hey, he has lost weight,
hasn't he, Steve?

It's like a totally
different Fudd, Al.

Let's get some coffee,
Marce.

What's up, Dad?

Bud, I want to talk to you
about your new hobby.

What's my new hobby, Dad?

Collecting
baseball cards.

How long have I had
this new hobby, Dad?

About two
minutes, son.

Do I like it?

But you know
something, Bud?

The players today
are kind of boring.

When Al and I were young,
they were great.

Yeah, and see, that's what
you're going to do, Bud.

You're going to
collect cards

from when we and Steve
were kids.

You are going
to collect

the all-time greatest
Cub team ever.

Oh, man.

Look at them over there.
Men are such idiots,

and I married
their king.

Baseball cards.

I mean, what is
the big deal, anyway?

It's just a bunch of guys
holding their bats.

They ought to show
pictures of them

the way they really are--

Grabbing their privates,
spitting,

and patting
each other on the butt

for "good luck."

I hate baseball.

All the boys at school
loved baseball.

I can still
hear them talking--

"Baseball,
baseball, baseball.

"Gee, there's Marcie.
Let's throw a rock at her.

Baseball,
baseball, baseball."

I hate men.

They're stupid,
ignorant animals

with stupid,
ignorant hobbies.

They hated me...

but I didn't
need them.

I had Barbie.

And I had a very special
bathtub toy.

Who's Barbie?

Who's Barbie?

America's favorite
teenage fashion model,

that's who.

Oh, you mean
a Barbie doll.

Yeah, I had one of those.

I gave it
to my boyfriend Keith

as a symbol
of our love.

He was gay
as a debutante, you know?

I still have
my Barbie.

She's been wrapped up
safe and sound

in her original box
for years now,

just waiting for the day

when I can pass her on
to my little girl.

Kelly had a bunch
of that Barbie stuff,

but to tell you the truth,
I never understood

the fascination
with Barbie.

But I could sure
strip Ken with my teeth.

Yes, I'm sure.

But I loved Barbie.

It was a way to escape.

The whole idea was for
Barbie to live the life

you wanted
for yourself.

You know,
this really is fun.

Hey, is there
such a thing

as an old,
rich Ken doll

that's about
to kick the bucket?

That way my Barbie wouldn't
have to hide these Kens

at :

when the Al doll comes
home from the shoe store.

Barbie was meant to be
dressed beautifully

and properly
accessorized,

not to be lying around

rubbed by a bunch
of horny Kens.

Well, you've got
your accessories,

and I've got mine.

Hey, let's go downstairs

and see what else of Kelly's
we can play with.

Okay.

And after we disinfect
your Barbie dream house,

I'll get out my Barbie.

I hope your Kens
can handle it.

I can't believe it.

Those old cards
are really expensive,

but I sold everything
I could...

but we got seven
of the nine all-time Cubs.

What a great
store, huh?

And a great
afternoon.

Think we should have
taken Bud with us?

Why? He'd only
get in the way.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, all he needs is
Ken Hubbs and Ernie Banks,

and they're
pretty expensive.

Great move, you selling
your wife's old doll.

What, the old Barbie
in the basement?

She'll never even
miss it.

Bud, here's
the crowning jewel

of your collection.

I just got it.

Don't touch it!

Now, all you need
is Ernie Banks.

I'm proud
of you, son.

Well, I'm proud
of you too, Dad.

You men
are such children.

Now, where's
Barbie's pumps?

I guess I'm the man
of the house now, eh, folks?

Bud, I am going
to k*ll you.

Oh, yeah, today
was book report day.

How'd you do, Kel?

How did I do?

I had a meeting
with the principal,

a three-hour meeting.

A three-hour
meeting.

You see, Bud,
you innocently mixed up

Robinson Crusoe
and Gilligan's Island.

I told them that,

but the principal
didn't believe me.

He just said,

"Even you, Miss Bundy,
are not that stupid."

But he was wrong,
wasn't he, Kel?

Well, to make
a long story short,

I'm a laughingstock,

you are
going to die,

and I'm suspended
until I do a report

on all the work
of some guy named Poe.

You mean like
"The Tell-tale Heart"?

Yeah.

You really
know that one?

Well, sure.
It's the one with Cousin Itt.

Really?

Yeah, come on.

I'll tell you
all about it.

There really is
a song in this one.

[SINGING THE ADDAMS FAMILY
THEME SONG]

She may not graduate.
You know that, Peg?

Steve, we've been robbed!

They took my Barbie!

Not the one you were saving
to give your daughter.

And it was someone we know.
They went right for her.

Steve, find them.

Find them
and k*ll them.

No, don't k*ll them.

Bring them to me.

I'll k*ll them.

But not at first.

First
I'll take a hammer

and smash their toes,
little to big.

Then, if it was a man--
and I know it was a man--

I'll turn
the hammer around.

Al...

Steve, get the cops.

Show them this.

I dug up
this picture of her.

It was taken the night
of her first date with Ken.

Marcie, why don't you
come upstairs,

lie down, and have a good cry
on my bed?

God knows,
it's used to tears.

Both sides, Peg.

I'm in big trouble, Al.

She'll never know
it was you.

Steve,
they left a clue.

I found a hair.

It's just like
a fingerprint.

No two are alike.

We'll find him.

We'll find him.

Oh, yeah.

I got to get
that doll back, Al.

I'm going to call the guy
we sold it to.

Remember, Kel--
"Quoth the raven...

You rang?"

Dad, you know, I haven't given
this baseball card thing

a fair chance,

so I'll have my friend Teddy
come over and check it out.

Go ahead, Bud.
That's what they're here for.

Like hell.
Get your own hobby.

Al,

The store was robbed.

Barbie's gone,
and I'm a dead man.

Oh, well.

Here's a question
for you--

In , which Cub
had a -game hitting streak?

Al, don't you understand?

If I don't get
Marcie's doll back, I--

games?

' ?

Billy Williams.

Ron Santo.

I was going to say
Ron Santo! Damn!

Anyhow,

the way I figure it,

somebody
from the neighborhood

broke into that store,

which means that Barbie is
probably still in the area.

Steve, you're not telling me

that we're going to
comb the streets

looking for a stupid
Barbie doll?

[***]

Well, some of
my teeth are loose,

but we got her.

Oh, Steve.

That's not my Barbie.

My Barbie has a little
crescent-shaped cut

on heel
of her left foot.

She got it jogging
on the beach with Ken.

You don't love me!

Al, those motorcycle
guys hurt me.

I know they did.

[***]

Steve, you're the most
wonderful husband

in the whole, wide world.

Let's go home.

Marcie, I think
I need a dentist.

I'm seriously hurt here.

Thank God
you're all right.

What say tomorrow

we dress you
in your red linen suit

for the busy gal?

Speaking of red,

I'm bleeding
internally here.

I'm so glad you're okay.

I don't think they should
have children, Al.

I don't think
anybody should.

Mom, Dad, tomorrow
I'm turning in my report

on Poe's
"The Raven Family,"

featuring Morticia,
Gomez, and Thing,

but I've been working
really hard on this,

so let's say that if I get an A,
can I get my own car?

Any kind you want,
sweetheart.

[***]